Thanksgiving was a binge blast over at my place, and I was very sad to realize after I’d bought an entire bucket of chicken and some frozen Milky Ways that I was sitting down to a repeat of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. WTF? How I am I supposed to be thankful? I didn’t have turkey, so I was planning on Camille’s turkey neck to save the day. And I was left in the dark. So I didn’t eat the chicken or the Milky Ways. KIDDING! I ate til I blacked out. Point is, welcome back!!
For some inexplicable reason, the DVR didn’t record this episode. Thankfully I had the computer recorder on so I just missed the first minute. I assume it was filled with Camille acting like an asshole in some way. When MY episode starts, it’s with Kyle taking Kim to get an extreme facial that’s supposed to be as good as plastic surgery without getting actually rubberized. Meh. Not having the threat of a facial melt near an open flame takes all the fun out of paid beauty.
Kim is nervous, cuz the last time she went to the doctor he duct taped her to a chair to try to get her to stop twitching. It was traumatizing and didn’t even work. “Will this hurt?” “Will there be duct tape involved?” “Will I have to get naked?” Just shut up and let the quack toiletpaper you, Kim!
It worked! You look like Carrie Underwood right now!
Wait a second. This surgery-less surgery is starting to look kinda painful.
Once we get that piece of gum you swallowed in the fifth grade out of you, your life will change. Now bite down on a pillow and hum “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”
I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I’ve never heard of a facial that requires covering you in wet washcloths and then turning on electricity. Isn’t that what they do to crazy people now instead of lobotomies?
Are you a witch, yes or no? CONFESS
Kim tells us that Kyle has turned into the big sister because Kim’s always single and needy (of a drink). She wants a man, but she believes it will happen if it’s supposed to. She’s not gonna go driving around in her car picking up strays. She doesn’t believe in miracles. Involving men, at least. She does check under her seat every so often to see if Oprah’s left her a free iPad or something, though.
Nothing. Opes is a stingy bitch.
She went in as Kim and is leaving as Kenny from South Park. I’d say it was worth the cost.
You’re gonna get laid like a rug.
Poor thing. She’s been turned into a walking glory hole. Whatever the hell just happened, it was worth it just to see Kyle and Kim do their weird tribal sister dance in front of the mirror.
Lisa’s invited some old used up tired chainsmoker over. Why? To talk into dating Kim, of course!
The Bachelor: Season 136
Lisa tells Martin that she knows he’s a shallow slut and Kim doesn’t look like any of the prostitutes he normally pays to be around him and she knows that he hates kids and twitches, but…put it all aside cuz you’re old and alone and two desperates always make a great relationship. When she tells him Kim has four kids, he says “does she have any other hobbies?” LOL. He’s hilarious. And horrible.
She seems to be really trying to help Kim, even though she thinks she’s nuttier than a Pay Day. She married an old dude and she’s happy, so maybe it will work out for Kim too. This guy is gross though, and she knows it. It’s like she wrapped herpes and warts up in a nice basket and put a bow on it for her new friend. Awwwww! What must Rosia be thinking?
Por favor, no deje que le agarra el culo de nuevo. Es un hombre monstruo aterrador.
Old Fartin agrees to come to the dinner to meet Kim. After all, Lisa just told him he was desperate and had nowhere to go but up, which is very hard logic to argue with.
Taylor is taking Kennedy to the doctor. Uhoh. It is possible to be too young to get your face blown up like a pair of floaties, Taylor. Oh wait. It’s the vet. She’s gonna have Kennedy put down!!
Don’t worry honey. You’ll be with Satan soon and I’m gonna send a random maid with you to take care of you until Daddy starts getting affected by the small doses of arsenic I’m putting in his coffee.
The real problem is the dog. Taylor points out little rashes on Kennedy and mentions that her eyes are sealed shut every morning with nasty eye boogars. You know she pinched her before they walked into that office and put super glue on her lashes just so an outsider would tell them they have to get rid of the dog. Smart move. I wouldn’t want to have to tell my kid I was getting rid of the only thing in her life that didn’t a. have the personality of a serial killer or b. didn’t look like the entire cast of Finding Nemo squashed into one face.
Sorry, honey. We’ll be injecting your friend with Raid. Here’s a lollipop to make it all better.
Taylor’s so busy trying to con the doc into giving her a little shot of somethin’ somethin’ for her tear ducts that she doesn’t see that Kennedy has spelled out “Fukk u u not my mommee” in blocks.
While we’re on the subject of toxic shots, do you have anything to make my left eye a little more like Deidre Hall’s?
Odd. I can’t find a heartbeat and she’s not breathing.
Taylor says that this is karmic because she told Russell not to get the dog in the first place and she can’t believe Russell’s done this. Um that’s not karma. Karma is marrying a rich homely guy for his money and then having to silently put up with random trips to Scottsdale. There’s something fishy here with this whole allergy thing. Don’t worry, it’s not a face joke.
I know it’s not cool to get a dog for your kid when mommy said no, but she spent sixty grand on a tea party that was basically for herself. I don’t think the dad trying to buy love on a much lower budget is really that terrible, especially when you’re the one paying for the staff that has to feed and water it. Sorry. Logic. Point is, either the dog dies or Kennedy dies. Let’s wait to see what Taylor decides. Taylor? Taylor why aren’t you answering? This is getting awkward. Taylor you’re gonna save Kennedy, right? RIGHT? Crickets.
Kim has a cute lunch with her daughter, who begs her not to act like an ICON and send everything back to the kitchen just to feel like Julia Roberts for a day. The convo turns to Kim’s dating, of course. Kim is so excited to meet the guy Lisa’s picked out for her. She’s convinced Ryan Phillipe will be showing up at her doorstep in a thong any second. Poor thing. I can’t wait to see her face when she sees Fartin. Kimberly, the daughter, says that she wants her mom to get a life and stuff. But in a sweet way. Well, in the sweetest way possible when you’re telling your mom to get a life. She promises not to antagonize the boyfriend this time like she did the time she “accidentally” threw a burger in a guy’s face. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Love it. Kim is definitely ready for a man, but whoever it will be will be a family decision. Or she’ll end up with the first guy who doesn’t run or flinch whenever she twitches.
Camille is going with her bestie to buy a dress for the Tonys. By bestie I mean highest paid employee.
Remember that time I made you clean up dog poop and then you ate a fajita pita without washing your hands? God we have so much fun together. Now bang your head against the wall until I say stop.
Shopping for a dress is, predictably, super hard work for Shlemiel. Frasier was nominated for a Tony, so as far as Shlemiel is concerned, she was nominated too. Well, you both look ridiculous trying to look like pretty women so there’s that correlation. Otherwise? No. No Shlem no. When she sees one of her old besties, she squeals like a train trying to avoid hitting a toddler on the tracks.
Remember that time I put a bag over your head and made House Manager walk you around the Frasier set on a leash? We had so much fuuuuun togeeeeether!
You go to the stylist who was in charge of making Frasier look like a stuffy old prune on Frasier? Why? Girl, get some contacts. It’s a big town. There are people there that don’t work for Frasier in some capacity. Maybe you could call Niles and see if he knows someone. When this girl’s done styling you you’re gonna look like Fartin.
Last time she went to NY, she got told that she needed to go to therapy. Well, Kyle, here’s my therapy! I’m gonna spend tens of thousands of dollars I never did shit to earn! You go, girl!
Why would that dress want you to wear it without Frasier around?
Her paid besties ooh and ahhhh and tell her that the extra padding in the back for her IBS doesn’t look like a wet roll of paper towels at all.
Why would those diapers want you to wear them without Frasier around?
Shlemiel has been to tons of awards shows. No, not for herself. There isn’t an awards show for slutspaztic saline sack jiggling. Yet. She’s been with Frash though. One time he lost and got real mad. “It’s not fun being on the loser cam.” And yet here you are.
She takes the most expensive one, of course. The only shock here is that she doesn’t wear the price tag as a piece of jewelry.
You are going to look fantastic while you get dumped, and even better when Frasier’s limo races away and splashes your stupid ass with a mud puddle. Red and brown? Classic color combination.
It’s Paul and Adrienne’s eighth anniversary, so Paul’s having the chef cook them a fancy meal. Ad wanted to go out, but getting yelled at and berated in private is just so much more romantic than at a restaurant. There, the waiters misunderstand and call the police and stuff.
He tells us about meeting Ad for the first time and getting completely blown off. Not in the Shlemiel way. There was no oral. Ad just didn’t pay any attention to him. Which made him love her. Her utter annoyance has kept this marriage strong. Where can I find a man like this? “You’re mean and horrible. Will you marry me?” “God you’re an idiot. YES!” Watching them banter is super adorable and makes me believe in twisted love again.
Paul’s brought in a harpist. LOL. He also brought in some good wine that Ad needs to argue with him about. Bernie’s made fondue and tells Ad to forget the diet tonight. She doesn’t beat him cuz she’s on TV, but she doesn’t eat that melted cellulite, either. Tinkly clown music plays as Paul tells us that as the years go on, his marriage gets easier. Probably because his hearing gets worse.
He’s got a big surprise for her and makes her close her eyes. She just asks that he doesn’t lead her into a door frame. HAHAHAH. God I love this couple. One year, Paul bought her a purse in the shape of a champagne bottle, but he made it up to her by buying her a face shaped like a jack-o-lantern. AW!
He makes me crazy, but I love him. Without him, there would be no light behind my eyes and I would just look like a regular pumpkin.
Paul had trouble finding the richest woman he’s ever met something she’d like, so he got her a dog. Cuz that’s what rich guys do to show their love, according to this show. Buy employees. They don’t get hair on the couch and they come already knowing how to roll over. This is no regular dog either. That’s a police dog or some shit. Perfect dog for Ad, no? Paul had the dog flown in from Germany, which means it should listen to her about as well as her kids do.
Let’s make this real fun and go to Taylor’s house to see if we can make Kennedy break out in something or cry.
Taylor has bought some new patio furniture, so she lights some candles for a romantic wine and cheese session with Russell. He agrees to five minutes of this crap before he has to fly out to Scottsdale for some pussy meetings. He’s already complaining that the new outdoor couch looks too nice to be outside. HA. We can look at this two ways: 1. Russell knows how to ruin any moment ever invented or 2. Russell knows that his wife is lighting candles and feeding him, which means she either wants a bigger allowance or is about to bust his balls in some way. He didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.
Obviously, it’s 2. She wants to talk about the about to be dead dog situation. The dog is making Kennedy sick! Answer: Nuhuh. Well that was a good talk! He doesn’t wanna get rid of the dog and looks like he’s gonna stand his ground, but breaking the dog’s neck himself would be easier than watching what happens to Taylor’s face when she tries to cry, so he agrees.
OH GAWD fine we’ll kill it just stop making that face. You look like a skin suit from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Kim is super nervous for her date. She looks really pretty. I want that lobotomy facial! NO FAIR! She calls up Lisa to get some scoop on her date, and Lisa seems like she’s gonna flat out lie at first.
But then she remembers that she’s the good guy on this show and decides to be a little more truthful.
Lisa says that Fartin is age appropriate, but remember Lisa has been making jello for her husband since their second year of marriage, so her appropriate threshold is a little off. Kim knows that she’s gonna have to take what she can get at this point, and when she asks Lisa his name, she is refused so that she can’t Google him. LOL! I don’t care who you are, that’s a really bad sign.
The girls all start getting ready for the party. Kyle has a stylist help her. Still completely confounded as to how I don’t hate her yet. Taylor’s still mad about the dog, but she’s gonna just pretend she’s not and smile anyway, “cuz that’s what I do!” Oh poor put upon Taylor. It’s a dog. Count your blessings. It could be a job in retail, which is what it could turn into if you don’t shut your face. Just pretend the dog’s name is “Didn’tsignaprenup” and love it like it came out of your womb.
The party is for Lisa and is being thrown at her friend Mohammed’s house. This is gonna be rough. I don’t wanna make fun of him or West Hollywood will get bomb threats. Lisa says he’s way richer than her and his house is four times the size of her own. But does he have his own little Rod Stewart in twenty years to run around the estate dressed in outfits that match his little gay dogs’? No. You’re richer in hilarity so you win.
Mohammed is an old dude with a twenty five year old wife. Lisa is going out of her way to make the shlubby rich guy with a younger woman thing look fashionable so Kim can’t yell at her later.
Sweetie, is that formula on your breath? Let mummy mash up some nanners for you before the witch from Hansel and Gretel shows up to put you in the oven.
Lisa says that she felt pretty until she saw the fetus, and now she feels like she’s waddling behind her. HAHA. Lots of shots of the giant home and the diamonds people are wearing and stuff. It all looks so easy to have, doesn’t it? I think that if we all just change the way we think, we can be rich too. Just accentuate the positive and believe in yourself.
Someone’s been shopping! See? It’s not hard.
Taylor beelines straight to Lisa to find out the dirt on Old Fartin. Can he hold his own? Lisa says he won’t have to with Kim around and he’s….a funny guy. She doesn’t use rude adjectives cuz she’s a lady, so she calls Fartin over so the rude adjectives can fill Taylor’s head on their own. He’s psyched and slimy when he thinks Taylor’s his date and asks “can we change your name to Kim?” HAHAHAH. This guys’a class act all around. CAN’T. WAIT.
Kyle is the next to arrive, and she’s glad Shlemiel won’t be here to make up stuff she said. I’m not glad. Not glad at all. I’m leaving this dump. Kim is late, cuz she has to make an entrance. And make an entrance she does. Fran Drescher died her hair!
Mister Sheeeeffield! Hnghhnghnghnghngh
She’s dressed like a cougar, which means she thinks she’s being set up with a young stud or something. I can’t wait to see her face when she realizes that she’s gonna be a kitten tonight. Kim’s dress is a bit tacky and breasty for Lisa’s taste, but Fartin pretty much just dates prostitutes so he’s fine with it. Kim thinks he’s adorable! Awwwwweeeewwww!
The girls do their best to make them uncomfortable. Kyle comes up and introduces Fartin as her new brother in law. LOL. The only reason he’s not running yet is cuz he’s waiting for Mohammed to write his asking price for his model wife down on a napkin and pass it over.
The new rich person fad. Eating food that looks the same going is as it does coming out.
Kim disappears. Kyle worries that she left and says next time she’s fitting her with a leash and one of those cones you put on dogs’ necks so they can’t chew their butts. Kim was off with some other old dude who wanted “to have a chat” with her. It doesn’t matter what age you are. Dressing like a slut works. It’s why I have cutoff spandex shorts on right now. I have to run to Whole Foods soon and you never know if there’s gonna be a rich guy shopping for pasty dimpled sag butt. Wish me luck!
Fartin jokes that old dudes with French accents always steal his dates. He’s funny. And super creepy. They’ll probably get married. Kim jokes that now she feels torn. HAHA. Then she’s served this:
Dang! When you choose an old guy you have to get straight to the bachelorette party. Every minute is precious.
Kim liked a lot of the hot old guys, but Fartin’s funny. Plus, they both like peas! Thankfully, Leech is there to make a “two peas in a pod” joke. And he’s wearing a shirt unbuttoned to his belly with an ascot. He’s like a rich hanger on version of Larry from Three’s Company.
Kim goes to the loo and Martin walks her there. Frasier should have walked Cam to the bathroom on the first date. He might have stayed the hell away from her when he heard the Vietnam war echoing through the hall. Kim and Fartin like each other, and their friends toast to their happiness. AW!!! SO CUTE! Nice work, Lisa!
Mauricio and Kyle are all over each other, which makes Taylor feels like she’s married to boring homely guy for his money. I think that’s just because you’re married to a boring homely guy for his money.
Soon, Kim and Fartin are holding hands and everyone’s telling them they have so much chemistry. Fartin’s pretty good about it, but there’s a highhat hit when Kim turns to him and says “I married my first blind date.” HA.
Scary? Yes. But it will all be worth it when she takes me to Paris.
By the end of the night, Taylor looks sloshed and it’s time to go! Lisa says the evening was magical. Um, Lisa took her dog to the party. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. She hopes that Martin takes Kim home and bangs her like a dinner bell. Lisa likes fucking with her favorite toy, Leech, so she tells him that there’s a Turkish bath downstairs and he should get naked and enjoy himself and pretend he lives there. Leech is, well, Leech, so he DOES IT. Lisa takes everyone down to catch him and says she’s disappointed to find that under all that dynamite there’s only a two inch fuse. I love this show so hard. And don’t worry, sugar. He’s a bottom. He doesn’t need a big one. There’s still a chance he’ll get out of your house before he’s forty.
The next day, Kyle and Taylor get together so Kyle can listen to Taylor whine about the dog. Taylor told Kennedy that she has a good friend without little kids and a husband who would love to love something, and Kennedy suggested they send Daddy to her. HAHA. Kennedy? My favorite TV child. Taylor starts talking about how she was into her husband at first but wants to murder him now. She does it in that “you know how you feel when….” and she’s talking to the wrong person cuz Kyle’s got this at home.
No, I don’t know how you feel. I gotta get home thanks for lunch CYA!
Kyle asks if she’s friends with Russell, and Taylor says they’re just good business partners. Is Kyle friends with Mauricio? Duh. Listen, Taylor, if you wanna bitch about your man, do it with someone with a marriage as bad as yours. Like….well yours is the worst so never mind. Complain to Rosia. She’ll nod and smile and you’ll know not to take the WTF look on her face personally cuz she won’t know what you’re saying.
Kyle talks about how Mauricio always has her back and is her biggest fan, and Taylor doesn’t feel like she’s even worth having that. AW. Kyle tells her in the nicest way possible that her marriage sucks ass. It’s sad. Taylor deserves better. She’s an open wound. Covered in rubber. Why are we ending the show on this note? And I hate being the one to complain about this, but WHERE WAS CAMILLE?! ME WANT CAMIIIIIILE!