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Last time on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, well…not much happened. But we did learn that Camille could dance without being on someone’s lap, so there’s something.
Shouldn’t you be sitting for this?
Also, Camille was an incredible asshole.
Ur fat frnd lks lyk me b4 pelateez & doktrz
We open at Lisa’s. Leech is lounging by the pool, sipping on champers in a padded swimsuit. For those virgins out there, penises are not shaped like softballs in real life. Glad I could teach you something.
Lisa’s cutting roses, and Ken’s getting a little sun.
Ken’s in a mood cuz Leech took his Jeep out again and left the tank empty. He wants Lisa to talk to him and make him do some chores or something, but Lisa just kinda shrugs him off. It’s hard to take a man seriously when he’s matching the dog.
UGH he smells like peppermint and ass. JUST DROP ME.
Lisa and Ken have never ever had a fight unless it was about Leech. Well that’s just ridiculous. Who marries someone they can’t fight with? Those dishes aren’t gonna break themselves. When I was a wee bebeh my mom told me that she and daddy fought because they loved each other. My dad limps now. And it’s fucking ROMANTIC.
AW! Happy Anniversary!
Ken’s not giving this one up, but Lisa’s not either. When he asks for a kiss, she suggests he ask Leech to do it. Be careful what you ask for, girl.
Over in Malipoo, Camille poses for a completely impromptu unplanned scene. She’s calling someone, and…straight to voicemail. Poor Shlemiel. Does anyone ever pick up her calls? It wouldn’t matter if they did, cuz she doesn’t know how to use the phone too good anyway.
That wouldn’t have gone to voicemail if Frasier was here.
She’s inviting some girls over to play tennis. She’ll be rubbing her junk up against Tennis Ho before the first point. She’s quick to mention to Ad’s voicemail that she’s sorry Frasier can’t be there. I’m sure he is too, sugar. Adrienne’s vm hears that Frasier won’t be there and hangs up on poor Shlemiel.
Next call is to Kyle. You can tell cuz horror music is playing. She doesn’t hear Shlem at first, which is awesome cuz Camille has to figure out if this is another trick voicemail thing. Even in scenes she’s not in, I love Lisa.
My hzbnd or I will note be dng biz w u anymore ifone
Camille is visibly nervous talking to Kyle. Her hands are flapping all over the place and it’s really funny to watch. It kind of looks like her dancing, but with less vagina. The girls are all fakey bakey with each other. Kyle says that they still haven’t discussed if Mauricio is cut off from the Frasier trillions, so she’s skeptical of this truce. Camille is skerd, but she’s the kind of girl who likes to just move on and accept apologies. Um….no one apologized to you and how is it moving on after we’ve suffered through TEN WEEKS OF THIS?!?!? Wait. I need to stop trying to justify what comes out of this ho’s mouth or we’ll be here til next week. She’s a an endless fount of poo in every way. From now on let’s see what it will be like to take her at her word. It’s actually a really refreshing way to look at it.
I heard what you said about me at the airport, and so did my husband, Jesus. He will NOT be leaving a sack of grain at your grass shack. Stupid skank.
Kyle immediately calls Kim to ask her what she thinks of Camille’s invite. Kim’s face says it all.
I hate moisturizer and shots in my face, that’s what I think.
She doesn’t understand why Kyle would even put herself in that position. Cuz you’re on a TV show, dumdum. Kyle assures her that it will all be different with Mauricio and the kids there. I’d make Portia taste all the food before you eat it. Take one for the team, brat! Kim refuses to pretend this is a good idea, so Kyle changes the subject and brings up the white party they’re gonna throw. Oh lord I can’t believe she just admitted to having a white party on national TV. I’m from the south, and if I’m invited to a white party it’s usually cuz I’m Lebaneze and they need a pinata.
Hit him hard enough and candy will fall out!
It’s Pandora’s birthday, so Lisa and the family gather for a dinner party. I hope tonight’s the night that Pandy’s old enough to get that fucking poof burnt off.
Kyle shows up, thank God, cuz it wouldn’t be a proper dinner party without someone asking Leech whether he shaves his wee nutz. He claims he doesn’t, he’s just never grown hair down there. He’s officially the luckiest queen ever born. Or a liar. (suspicious foreshadowing music in my head.)
Pandy’s boyfriend makes a toast and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, but he doesn’t propose. HAHAH. Pandora doesn’t mind, cuz he does this every year and it irritates her parents so it’s fun for her. Do Lisa and Ken get irritated with hair poofs? Cuz I need a reason that that thing is always on the top of your goddamn head. Mid proposal, Leech looks kind of annoyed. I think he wants to bang boyfriend.
Did you not hear me just say I have naturally hairless nutz?
Late in the evening, Kyle decides to pry into Leech’s brain and ask about his troubled childhood. Let me guess. A mean uncle burnt off your ball hair and sewed doll locks onto your skull. Damn. I hate when I’m wrong.
He was born in Paris to a hooker mom. He was homeless and beat by his mom’s boyfriends. Then they were homeless and he would have to sleep next to mom on the street while she got raped by homeless people. She left him by a phone booth and never came back. Then he was taken in by this dude named Fagin and forced to be a child criminal and beg for gruel. He made the line “Please sir, can I have some more?” famous and…wait a second. That’s the plot to Oliver Twist. Kyle’s not buying it either.
Let’s check in with Taylor. Biggest sucker of the year! Look who’s still alive!
Oh sorry wrong pic. I meant
Snowball escaped lethal injection! They’re probably saving that for the finale. Kennedy isn’t allowed to touch the dog so she won’t get an allergic reaction. When she gets weak and wants to cuddle, Taylor shows her how swollen and scary she will look if she even tries it.
Don’t let this happen to you. Just wave at the damn thing and go to school.
As Taylor ruminates on her loveless marriage, we watch the family have breakfast. Russ only speaks to the kid and Taylor stares all dewy eyed off into the distance. We know what’s going on her mind, but Russell has no idea. He probably just thinks she changed her meds again.
Whoever is right or wrong, lovelessness is sad. Ah well, it’s a nice kitchen so YAY! It’s not like you married the guy for his charm. You committed to granite countertops and you got em. Congrats! Maybe she’s having regrets after seeing how large some of the other ladies are living. Her mail box is almost as big as her house.
Kyle and Mauri arrive at Camille’s in a rented limo with the kids. A word of advice, buy the limo. Rent the kids. It works out to be about even and limos don’t poop on you. Cam is fake and nervous, and Kyle is just calmly keeping the fork in her pocket ready to stab a ho if need be.
Adrienne and Paul show up too, but that’s it for cast members. The rest are paid hangers on. Tennis Ho shows up with a wig and kisses Cam on her lips. EW. Kyle says if her husband lip kissed Cam he’d be dead. The wife doesn’t seem to mind though. You can practically hear the calculator in her head whirring.
I’m charging her for that.
Kyle scowls when Mauri kisses Cam’s cheek. LOL. She says that he’s easier going than she is, and he agrees. He likes Camille and all the Frasier cash she doles out, the end. Kind of a pussy, but he works out and buys Kyle whatever she wants. I think that deserves a pass.
I know that some of you are upset at his not standing up for his woman to Camille, and I can see where you’re coming from. But to me, he knows after watching Kyle and her sister interact that bitches be crazy no matter what you do and that’s no good reason to lose a giant part of your income. He’ll punish Camille by feeding his happy family with her sad marriage money. There’s really no better revenge.
OOoooh! AAaaah! You’re adooorable! Thank you for coooooming! Frasierfrashieeeeeee! YAY TEEEENNNIIIIISS! AGH. This woman talks like a car alarm with a low baaaatteerrrryyyyyyy. Adrienne tells us how nice it is to see the girls getting along and she hopes it can always be like this. I sure as shit don’t.
Over a lunch prepared by the ginger version of Mister Belvedere, Ad complains about Paul’s snoring to everyone. He just got his nose re-broken by one of the kids. LOLOLOLLL. Ad thinks it’s hilarious, too. You see? THAT’S marriage. She just wants Paul to turn over on his stomach, shove his double broken nose into the pillow and STFU. Those two? Are gonna last.
Camille says it’s super nice to have Frasier away cuz he snores, too, and it makes it hard for Tennis Ho to sleep in their bed. Then she brags about her “real crystals!” on the muffin platter and talks about going to the Tonys. Kyle, who’s been quiet and pissed the whole time, tells Ad that the play was good but she should be glad she missed the NY trip. Oh lord here we go. I say that in a “God bless her” tone, though, cuz I was just about to press stop and pick my toenails for awhile.
No one is glad that Kyle is reigniting the drama flame except me. She says that she and Cam are different, and they’re learning to “speak each other’s language.” Kyle speaks abrasively and too truthfully, and Camille speaks in bikini. For example, when she says “come in the pool, Kyle!”, she means
Get right next to me so your husband can see your flabby baby making womb next to my saline jugs and flat stomach before I sit on his face. Did you have a cupcake?
None of the women brought bathing suits, so guess what Cam chalks it up to? The economy. Kidding! Jealousy! Kyle knows that Cam is being a show off slut, but what can ya do? Her money bought Kyle the large dark expensive sunglasses she’s hiding her death stare behind. She jumps in the pool fully clothed like a good sport. Paul pushes in Ad, too, and everyone’s laughing and laughing as I press FF.
Now it’s time for another party! GOD. You know what would be kind of awesome? A show that really was about real housewives. You’re up at six for a job you hate, your kids are doing drugs and masturbating constantly, you’re fat and you don’t know why, you cry in elevators and pray for an early death. Ew. Poorness is gross. Well, I guess I just ruined my own idea. Sorry. Back to the white party. I think Camille is invited, cuz it seems like Kyle has brought in a special “fuck your crystal cupcakes and your bikini” just for her.
This is also gonna be Mauri’s 40th bday party. Poor husbands always get the shaft. My sister married her man on his birthday to save on gifts. Not. Kidding. Guests start showing up, ooh and ahh at each other, and jokingly ask where the black people are. Taylor’s excited about the dancing, cuz there’s nothing funnier than white people dancing at a party. As Lisa enters, she says “there’s a guest house, Cedric, so don’t get excited!” HAHAHAHAHAH.
Lisa’s told Old Fartin to come, and Kim’s kinda mortified cuz he never called her. The man should call the woman!! In a perfect world, yes. But in real life, you follow them and leave them threatening messages on their car until they’re scared enough to marry you. For example, right now I’m “dating” a checkout guy at Whole Foods and couldn’t be happier. When he woke up to the smell of gasoline in his house this morning he started sobbing uncontrollably and screaming WHYYYYYY?!?!? as I stood outside his window and air hugged him. I think this one’s the one, you guys.
Ken’s chatting with the girls about how Leech probably let the dog out on purpose one time. HA. Love him. Now let’s watch Taylor unhinge her jaw and eat a hamburger!
There is a slideshow of all of Mauri and Kyle’s memories playing on a big screen, and watching it makes Taylor sad. She tries to come on to Russell by eating a fry, but he winces and throws up a little bit of hamburger.
Maybe just…buy him a card or something. Yikes.
They are bored as hell with each other, which Kyle takes notice of. Taylor says that she doesn’t know what’s going on lately…oh come on. Was he EVER exciting? I’d bet no. You married a boring guy and now that you have a little extra Bravo money coming in you’re trying to find an excuse to dump his ass. Don’t feel guilty about it. It’s the Housewives way. NeNe did the same thing a couple weeks ago over on Atlanta. She was just more fun about it. Ugh. I wish this was a black party.
You done me WRONG, GRAYG!
Lisa tells us that she doesn’t like to play matchmaker, but Kim’s a desperate needy twitchy situation so she’ll do her best. Enter Old Fartin! He’s in the same gay hooker shirt that Leech is wearing. His boobs are way bigger though, so point for Fartin.
Yes, I grow hair on my nuts. And my back. And my butt crack. And my ears. And my….
Things are awkward. He asks her if she wants a drink. She declines. They laugh uncomfortably and he just kinda wanders off. HA. I hope they go on a double date with Russell and Taylor at some point.
Camille shows up a couple hours into the party and Lisa congratulates her on Frasier’s Tony nom. “Thaaank yoooou!” I’m gonna start saying thank you to random stuff I had nothing to do with, too. Next time someone says it’s a beautiful day outside, I’m gonna say “Thaaaank yoooou!” Loved Natalie Portman in Black Swan. “Thaaaaank yoooooou!”
She tells Lisa that Frashe has cut back their communication to almost nothing. They used to talk like ten times a day and she misses the sound of his voice saying “please stop fucking calling me. I don’t wanna have to change my cell number again.” Well we know where this is going cuz a commercial just came on and told us, but we’ll get to that next week.
Camille has brought Kyle a gift. A book called “How to Behave and Why”. LOL! Camille did something funny! I’ll bet Hair Friend came up with that one. Kyle doesn’t know whether or not Cam is trying to be hilarious cuz she’s never seen a sense of humor there before. Nevertheless, “she’s obviously never read this book.” HAHAHAHA!!!!
Time to get back to the Taylor storyline. I think Jiggy speaks for us all when he says
The band is playing a bday song for Mauri to dance romantically with Kyle to. (y)AWWWW(n). Taylor gets all teary, and it’s impressive to see that she still has working tear ducts. I half expected her tears to confusedly run up her face cuz they didn’t know where the fuck they were even supposed to go any more. She says that it’s amazing to see such a great couple who’ve found such a strong love. Then she looks over at Russell. He’s found the love of his life, too.
It may backfire on you sometimes, too, but it doesn’t take half your money on its way down the drain.
Camille hasn’t found an old guy to give her dollar bills, so her ass is outta there. She and Kyle say fakey goodbyes and cheek kiss and stuff and Cam apologizes for having IBS and bronchitis. Well thanks for swinging by and kissing everyone. It’s bs, but Kyle doesn’t care. As she gets into her car, Camille says goodbye in lots of languages. Kyle only needs one to say “don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya, ho!”, but she doesn’t say that at all. This is called progress to some. And extremely disappointing television to others. Push her! Choke her with a Fatburger! Ask for Frasier’s number! ANYTHING! Oh wait. No go back to that. I’m sorry I complained. Sorry, Jiggy!
Back to Taylor. She gets Lisa alone and asks about her marriage. She only knew Ken for six weeks and thought, well, he’s got about six months on him and a lot of cash so let’s get married! It turned into almost thirty years and lots of clogged drains and mystery smells. Personally, I find that story disgusting, but Taylor is touched. Then she watches all the couples dancing and loving each other and gives sad face. Well she’s going for sad face. It’s more “OMG that silly putty is looking at me” face, but e for effort.
If you press that flat down on the newspaper you can read the comics backwards.
Russ, predictably, wants to go home. Taylor, predictably, is upset about it. Flashback to him being a wet blanket a million times. You know what? He probably thought he was doing something good for Taylor when he said “yeah, going on TV will be fun for you honey” and is being a good sport by going along with any of this even though he’s shy. Now he’s gonna end up alone with a huge alimony bill. Thanks, Bravo!
Super dramatic music plays and Taylor tells him he can go home by himself. You guys, I can’t be the only one kinda feeling for Russell right now. She’s crying, but how do you think he feels? Look at him all lost and confused, like he has no idea what he did wrong. I kinda have the feeling that he’s just, well, Russell. Shlubby smart confused Russell. I just wanna hug him, tell him he’s great the way that he is, and then ask to borrow money for a downpayment on a ticket out of this dump. So he’s a little introverted. He puts up with her and she could erase an entire crossword puzzle with her face.
AW! I’ll share your money life with you! And you don’t even have to talk! Actually you’ve already said too much. Shhhh. God I hate the sound of your breathing. Get out of our house and take fucking Snowball with you before I turn it into lunch meat for the maid. HATE YOU.
Taylor cries and tells us how alone she feels. Oh shut up already. I’ve got about as much feeling for Taylor right now as she’s got in her forehead. And I like her! I just can’t listen to someone who married and ATM bitch about how unflattering that tiny round mirror camera is.
Kyle can, though! As she changes Portia’s diaper, she tells Taylor that Russ seems too serious and her husband works hard too but he’s not a Debbie Downer about it. Feel better now, Taylor? Kyle’s husband is rich AND fun. Better? OK now imagine Mauri shirtless and then Russell shirtless. Feel better? NO, KYLE. NO ONE FEELS BETTER.
Taylor says she’s gonna stay and have fun, but ends up just leaving. She can’t imagine Russell going to bed alone when it’s still not too late in the evening to call Scottsdale. As friends have a blast at the party, Taylor stands alone at the valet and pouts that she wishes her husband would celebrate life with her.
AW. OK now I kind of feel for her. No one deserves a life without love. Except Hitler. And Girl Scouts. And Whole Foods checkout guys who file restraining orders and get police protection when you were just trying to flatter them a little. I’m getting depressing. Hey Taylor, I’ve got something we can celebrate!
Next week, Camille gets dumped on the phone! May I have a what what?