***Please welcome ZipTheRip with Real Housewives of Orange County!
Another day in OC, another trip to the plastic surgeon!
This time it’s Peggy who is in need of some boob maintenance (turns out the left one has gone awol and won’t stand at attention with the right). Her husband Micah is a doctor? Oh wait, he’s not. Turns out he’s just tagged along on this appointment and he won’t shut up. He gets right in there during the examination and helpfully points out some flaws and dents that, in his expert opinion, need to be fixed . He takes a stab at comedy with some weak jokes about using his wife’s new rack as a table and keeping the old implants for his juggling routine. The real doctor tolerates him (he knows who’s paying) and basically says he doesn’t care if Micah wears the old implants as a hat, you bought ‘em, they’re yours.
That dented one on the left looks kinda shifty to me.
Over at the house that gold-digging built, Gretchen is chortling away and working her zany blonde routine again. This time that crazy kid is taking her sidekick blonde assistant (is she really her assistant, didn’t she say she ran an internet business?) and breaking into her parents house (not really breaking in if you have keys, more like sneaking in).
She needs to nab a dress of her mother’s to use as a guide when she whips her up a new wedding gown for the upcoming 40th wedding anniversary extravaganza G is planning (is there anything this self-made mogul can’t do? I didn’t know the Gretchen Christine Beaute line was offering discount wedding dresses now. G bumbles around teetering on her hooker heels, gets distracted by her reflection in the mirror and the task of figuring out how to raise the mini blinds just about derails the whole master plan. Gretchen wants to believe that they are like some sort of Charlie’s Angels or something but in reality they’re not even a low-rent version of Laverne & Shirley.
We can do this just stick to the plan.
Dinner time at Vicki’s and as you would expect it’s a nice, calm, relaxing evening. Yeah, right.
There’s not enough wine in the world…
As usual Vicki is micro-managing everything from relaying exact instructions to be followed at the grill to the execution of popping a cake out of a pan (because there is a very specific way to turn a pan over).
Give me that, you’re not doing it right
She goes on about how much she cherishes her family time and having everyone together for dinner is so special now that her kids are grown. She barely sees them anymore because Brianna has escaped and lives on her own and Michael doesn’t get in at nights until 12 or 1 and she is usually still at the office at that time. Really? I know Vicki works, I got the memo on that one but does she really have to put in sixteen and eighteen a day, every day? She must suck at what she does if she can’t accomplish things in a 40-50 hour work week.
I need a buzz to get through this family dinner
The next day we are at a photo studio with Tamra and second-string housewife Fernanda who are going to pose topless together as part of the NoH8 campaign. Things start off with Tamra in a little pink apron-thing that she seems to have brought her own slut-wear collection at home and I have to say girl is looking good. Then she and Fernanda get in a topless clutch and mash their boobs up against one and other.
Holy cow Tamra has some enormous cans, wasn’t she supposed to have had those things reduced a season or two ago? Yikes, if this is the edited version how large were the originals? I’m not sure if Tamra quite gets it. She giggles and flirts and loves the validation she feels knowing that Fernanda the lesbian is attracted to her (see, I’m so hot women and men want me). But unlike Tamra who is playing around and dipping her toe in the lady pond, Fernanda is an experienced diver in that pool and may be reading more into things.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful
Meantime Peggy wants her two little girls to get into modeling because she was a model once. Ok, good a reason as any I suppose. She is off to push 3-year old London on Brand modeling agency which according to Peggy is the agency to belong to. Never heard of them, did London get rejected by Elite and Ford? You just know Janice Dickinson won’t even consider her until London loses at least 10 pounds. Agency owner Patty Brand is there to evaluate London and London is having none of it.
I’ll cut you
First she is encouraged to “walk like a diva” so instead she stands there like a bump on a log and stares blankly, and when she is supposed to be still so the photographer can snap a picture London starts jumping around. Quick, get Mackenzie from Toddlers & Tiaras on the set STAT so she can school this kid on how to own a room.
You bitches are standing on my last nerve
Agency owner Patty is nonplussed and sneers that a model has to be able to hit a mark and stand still for a photo. She’s too busy for this crap and pushes Peggy out the door with the hope that little non-starter London will follow her.
Keep going until you hit traffic
Gretchen stops into a jewelry store that has a ton of bars on the door and windows (obviously this store is not in the neighborhood where the fabulous Lisa Vanderpump shops). She has taken her ring from her first marriage to have the stones used in a new ring she’s having made for her mother. At first I thought ok, maybe a bit weird but she wants to give her mother a nice piece of jewelry and using the stones will add a lot to what she can afford. But then she reveals that the new ring is not just a cocktail ring or a family ring, it is a new wedding ring! Uhm, is that sort of insulting to her father, you know the man who is married to her mother? It is a beautiful ring though, a substantial four carats. *sparkle*
G gets home and can’t wait to call Daddy (who apparently knows all about the ring and doesn’t feel emasculated at all) and squeals about the gorgeous ring that she is wearing right now (and dreaming about being married to Daddy maybe?).
When I grow up I’m going to marry my Daddy because he’s so dreamy
In walks D-bag Slade and you can see him sizing the ring up and doing the math in his head and he suitably gives a “Wow, it’s amazing” reaction. If that ring goes missing before the wedding extravaganza I’d be checking out D-bag’s alibi.
I wonder how much I can get for that ring at the pawn shop
Rolling in her soon-to-be-repoed luxury vehicle, Alexis makes calls to the rest of the cast to invite them to attend another manufactured reason to create a reason to shoot scenes so she’s hosting a beauty party. Tamra encourages Alexis to invite Vicki (don’t worry she’ll be there, Bravo needs the drama and she’s contractually obligated to show up), and also Tamra wants to be assured that she won’t be verbally attacked because she is all about happiness right now. When was she verbally attacked? When drunken G acted the fool with the whole evil eye thing at the sweatpants ‘party’ Tamra had? Geesh, whatevah. I thought Tamra was tougher than that, “attacked” is a bit dramatic. Maybe it’s a new victim approach she’s using, being all innocent and timid-like. If she pulls out the word bully (ala crazy Kelly Bensimon) I’m outta here.
Moving day for Tamra and she packs up her tiny apartment to move to independence manor, her new house independent of Simon. Is anyone buying it that Tamra is choosing to do everything on her own? I figure there was nothing left to take by the end of that marriage and that the bank got everything in the divorce.
Sex-toy Eddie is there to help her and before long she is defending her stuff to him. He’s being dim-witted and immature and making comments about her old wedding dress and wedding photos, “why are you keeping that, lets through it out”. She’s keeping mementos because she has three kids with this man you moron and maybe these things mean something to them. I kinda felt a bit for Tamra for about a minute there. Finally Eddie lumbers off and Tamra can go through her stuff in peace.
Turns out moving day for Tamra is naturalization day for Fernanda as she becomes an American citizen. She is miffed that Tamra is not there for her and attending her small celebration party. She bitches that Tamra must not care to get to know more about her life. Guess what Fernanda? You’re right, she doesn’t give a crap. You are a random housewife who showed up on set one day who is a fleeting ego boost to a middle-aged woman who is desperate to be desired because it is the only value and identity that means anything to her.
I’ve still got it
Ding Dong! Avon calling…Alexis is having what turns out to be a botox party (the modern day Tupperware party). She says she’s having the party away from her house so when the brawling starts her sofa doesn’t take a hit from spilled champagne. Either that or the repo police have already been to her house and taken the furniture and they’re got lawn chairs in the living room. After a couple of obvious product placement shots and Alexis’ generous offer that all treatments were on her that day (because you know she’s not paying for anything) I figured out that Alexis actually works for CosmetiCare and if you go to their website she is featured prominently and you can even choose to ‘click here for a consultation with Alexis’.
Hi I’m Alexis and I’ll be your consultant today. You need one of everything (and I’ll take my 20% commission please)
Tamra picks Vicki up on the way to the party and winds her up by gifting her with a personal sized pepper spray.
I need this for Donn
Vicki’s eyes start rolling and she predictably starts vibrating and kvetching. When they arrive at the party Alexis welcomes them while at the same time calling them out for being a little overly fashionably late. Heehee. You know that pisses Vicki off who immediately (and again, predictably) interviews that she works and Alexis is lucky that she showed up at all.
Give me that mace, this bitch just called me out for being late (I told you so…)
Peggy is still new and meeting Tamra and Vicki for the first time. Peggy goes all Miss Cleo and starts talking astrology and auras and all that shizz.
These ladies auras are scary
Alexis makes a toast to fresh starts and fresh foreheads (you are a card Miss Alexis), and relaxation and rejuvenation…Tamra just perked up, rejuvenation? Well, she had wanted to take her vayjj in for a tune-up.
Time for the ladies to mingle and Fernanda is trying her luck with another blonde and can’t take her eyes off of Peggy’s chest once Peggy starts talking about her upcoming new boobs.
Hey, I like those
Alexis thanks Gretchen for not ‘brawling’ with Tamra and interviews that she has decided to forgive Vicki (for what exactly?) and move on. Tamra and Peggy start to bond over their similar taste in younger men and Tamra gets all excited and thinks she’s found a soul sister because they both have young hot men who are grounded and mature and successful and the four of them should get together and hang out and be happy and superior together. Peggy is into it because Tamra is a Virgo and all her best friends are Virgos and they both have younger hot men. It’s a tale as old as time really. Then Fernanda comes in and ruins this love-in by letting Tamra know that she is disappointed in her for not attending her citizenship celebration. This irritates Tamra (is she being verbally attacked again?) and goes off about how if Fernanda had any idea of what she was going through right now she would not be disappointed, she would feel bad for her.
What she is going through? Bitch please. Is it the independence you’ve been raving about or the body shots in Cabo or the hot sex with the hot young man you were just crowing about a few minutes ago? *lol* Tamra is like, “hello Charo” I was busy moving. She is astonished at Fernanda’s nerve to be ticked off at her, it’s not like she is dating her or sending this lesbian mixed signals by aggressively flirting and clutching on her bare-breasted and such. I don’t feel sorry for Tamra and according to her she is happier than she’s ever been so save your “I’m going through so much” libretto.
Hello Charo, back off or I will get Vicki and my mace
Alexis takes it to the face (not the first or last time) and squeals through the pain of getting botox injections because that what she needs to do once a year (*cough*bullshit*cough*) to be the fabulous hot wife that Jim expects.
Look, I totally can’t move my face
Peggy is laying it on a little thick with Vicki, fawning and feeding her just the flavour of bullshit Vicki likes, the kind where Peggy tells Vicki how she really admires her as a strong and hard-working business woman. Vicki smiles demurely and thanks Peggy for giving her the praise she deserves. Peggy is not the sharpest knife in the drawer but girl knows how to survive and instinctively bows to Vicki as the elder of the group.
She lets her know that even though she and Alexis are friends it doesn’t mean that Peggy harbors any of the “icky” (Vicki’s descriptive not mine) feelings towards her that Alexis does. Alexis is circling this encounter and detecting that Peggy may be a double agent and may not “have her back” (having one’s back is a big deal to all these housewives for some reason). Besides it’s out of Alexis’ control, it’s in the stars and since both Vicki and Peggy are Aires, well you just can’t argue with science.
In the end Alexis is happy that everyone enjoyed her “classy” event and that no one went below the belt (I guess she wouldn’t pay for that downstairs rejuvenation Tamra was looking for). It was almost a clean break but Tamra couldn’t resist pulling out her pepper spray on the way out the door and cackling that she didn’t even have to use her mace today and that everyone must have taken their meds (well maybe not everyone, I’m not so sure about Tamra). Alexis makes a face (well, sort of, she can’t really move it much) and Gretchen’s face gets red and she’s simmering and trying to ignore Tamra.
You better sleep with one eye open Tamra
Funny how when Gretchen acts stupid it’s all in fun and no one should take her seriously but when someone does the same thing but directs it at her she gets pissed and is above it. If you dish it you better be able to take it honey. The Gretchen/Tamra thing is old and boring anyway, these two need to find something else to fill their time and tiny minds with.
Next week Alexis continues to try to create a story where there isn’t one and complains about Tamra putting a buzz kill on her party and bringing Vicki along, Vicki continues to drive the people around her to drink and Tamra chokes on her wine when sex-toy Eddie mentions them having children together (does he not know how stale her eggs are?). Good times!