RHOC: Cabo San Puke-ass

Hi again, Gasmi!  I had so much fun filling in here last week that I asked Flipit if I could sub in again.  After all, what else do I have to do besides recap?  Okay, it’s true, I do have other things I should be doing (taking down Christmas decorations being one of them) but I’d rather be dishing about these skanks with you than cleaning, or organizing, or yes, finally taking down the Christmas decorations.

I keep my decorations up ALL year!

Thanks for the support, Buddy.  I’d like to say there’s something more than laziness going on there, but honestly?  There are about a billion things I’d rather do than take down Christmas decorations.  I love putting them up, but notsomuch with the taking down.  Maybe next year I can pay someone else to take them down for me.

Anyway, we’re not here to talk about my Christmas decoration laxness, we’re here to dish on the Real Housewives of Orange County!  So let’s get to it, shall we?

Last week Tamra nearly succeeded in burning out my retinas permanently, Crackie showed she no speaky Spanish-o, Gretchen was a bitch to a dick, Peggy had rusty pee, and Alexis catered to her king and got rewarded with the gift of watching him buy shit for himself.  Good times!  I can’t wait to see what fun they have planned for us this week!

We start out this episode with Tamra (fully clothed THANK GOD).  She’s heading over to pick Crackie up for their trip to Cabo and gives Eddie a quick call.  I’m guessing he’s in the waiting room of his psychiatrist to discuss the bathtub trauma Tamra put him through.

Tamra reminds us that she wasn’t really there for Crackie last year and the show editors helpfully provide a clip of one of the many times Tamra said crap about her behind her back.  But none of that matters now; they’re going to have a great time and get back on track.  In fact, Tamra went all out and booked them into a really nice place.

Okay, ya got me; I called Miss Andy and he took care of all the details.  I hope they have franks n beans where we’re staying!

The limo arrives at Crackie’s house and she tells us that she really thinks Tamra needs to apologize to her for how she made her feel.  She says Tamra needs to court her for her friendship.

And then she needs to get down on one knee and present me with a friendship ring.

Crackie wonders why they are always wearing the same thing.

I wonder why Tamra refuses to wear pants.

Of course Crackie has to work while they’re in the limo and makes a point to tell Tamra she’s gotten ten e-mails in the last two minutes.  She’s sooooooooooooo busy you guys.  Tamra impressed that she didn’t bring her laptop.  Oh, but she did; she just happens to be using her phone instead of her laptop at the moment.

I’m so busy I don’t even have time to take out the laptop.

So Crackie keeps working, talking to a couple of people on the phone until Tamra calls her on the other line.  Okay, that did actually crack me up.

I’m too busy for your shenanigans!

Back in OC, Gretchen and Alexis are meeting for lunch, but Alexis almost didn’t make it because she got lost.  She comes to this place all the time but she doesn’t know where it is because her husband always drives.  Okay.  So I was going to make fun of that, but I really can’t considering the same thing happens to me on a regular basis.  I mean, I would like to think I’d know the way to a place I go all the time, but when you’re not driving you don’t really pay attention.  Or at least I don’t.  Anyway…..

Gretchen’s parents will be celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary this year, so she’s decided to throw them a big surprise bash.  It’s been interesting for her because she’s been struggling with the whole marriage thing.  She thinks the quick failure of her first marriage is why she’s so hesitant with Slade.

I think it’s because he can’t afford to buy her a dress that actually covers her bra.

I mean, let’s get real here.  She didn’t seem as opposed to marriage when Jeff was the other party, did she?  No way that had anything to do with his money, right?

Alexis thinks there’s just nothing like being married. You have this one person you’re going to die with.  She thinks Gretchen needs to get past her fear of getting divorced again.  It could happen.  Hell, it could happen to her and then she would go to hell.

Alexis tells us that biblically you’re not supposed to be married and divorced, but God is forgiving, and if she waits on Jim hand and foot for the rest of their lives together maybe just maybe she’ll get into heaven after all.

But then I get a vacation, right?

That Alexis is so silly, isn’t she?  Gretchen says she really wants to have kids and since she’s thirty two she really needs to start thinking about these things.  Her mom would just kill her if she had a baby out of wedlock.  But she’s okay with her having a baby with a dirtbag?

I don’t get that.  And really, if Gretchen wants to be a mom so badly why doesn’t she look into having a child on her own?  Women make that choice all the time nowadays and it’s a thousand times better than tying herself to Slade for the rest of their lives.

She tries to sell Alexis on the lease agreement deal she been spouting, but it’s not in the bible so Alexis is not on board with that one.  She thinks Gretchen should marry Slade because he really is a great guy.

Who can pick a guy?  I can, I can!

Back in Cabo…

We see what some people will do to get away from Crackie and Tamra.

They’re staying at Casa Dorado Los Cabos in the penthouse no less.  Crackie claims the bigger bedroom because Tamra owes her a lot of apology.  Good lord, shut up already will ya?

My eyes, my eyes!

Hey, could one of you tip me so I can get the fuck out of here?

Poor Tamra probably thought the woman was going to tip her for showing off her panties.  They sit down to do tequila shots and realize that both of them are dumbasses.  Is it lick it, suck it, slam it?

Nope.

They try again: slam it, lick it, suck it.  Still wrong.  They finally do it right, but Crackie doesn’t like that order and Tamra makes yuck faces.  I find it hard to believe that Tamra doesn’t know how to drink tequila shots considering the fact that Simon had a tequila business.  Whatever.  They’re just not drinking any more o the, mmkay?  Put a cork in it.

Yes, I meant your mouth.

Let’s check back in with Alexis who has decided to start her own clothing line.  Oooooo, Excrement by Alexis!  Sheree will be so jealous.  She meets up with dress designer Tal who has been hard at work

Playing with her fashion plates

And putting together some samples for Alexis to see.

Before she got married Alexis was a career woman her whole life.  And then she stopped working for six years to have kids and raise her husband.  Now she’s ready to strike out on her own.  As long as it doesn’t interfere with her raising her kids or waiting on her husband.

About fifteen percent of the time she takes the clothes she buys to a seamstress to shorten to cooch level, bedazzle, you know, hoochify.  So she thought since she’s spending so much money changing outfits, why not design them?

Remember that dress I wore to the place that time?  Let’s make that one!

Jim is super supportive of this dress line.  In fact, he is fronting the money for it.  Awwww, he believes in her.  But wait.  They have an agreement that the minute that the dress line starts to interfere with her family and her ability to cater to their every whim, the dress line will be gone.  So he’s investing in a business that he really has no desire to see succeed.  I’m at a loss for words.

What’s the deal with the pearl hangers?

Over at Peggy’s house she’s been asked to be a part of a documentary on a subject that’s really important to women.

Post Bad Boob Job Depression?

No sillies, it’s about post partum depression.  She tells the documentary crew that the post partum started right after her child was born.  And by right after she means in the hospital when they brought the baby over to her.  And when she was pregnant with her second child she thought about throwing herself down the stairs to end her pregnancy.  Uh, and they have guns in their house?  Seriously?

I mean, I’m no expert on post partum, but does it seem reasonable to anyone to have guns in a house with someone suffering from any sort of depression?  Instead, Micah and his mom did a holistic intervention.  Yeah, I’d totally leave my kid with her now.

That teddy bear looks terrified.

Back to Cabo.  Tamra and Crackie are out to dinner and Crackie actually makes Tamra pull her chair out for her.  You know because she’s wooing her back to being friends again.  Their poor waiter just wants to take their goddamn order, but first Crackie has to tell him what a bad friend Tamra has need to her.

Once they order their salads, Crackie has something she wants to say to Tamra.  She was thinking it would be great if they did something really special tomorrow.  And by something special she mean Tamra kissing her ass some more.  She would like Tamra to write out what friendship means to her and what she wants from a friend.

Friendship means always having a back to stab.

Tamra laughs but Crackie is serious here.  She wants some friendship vows.   Tamra wants to know if Crackie’s writing friendship vows as well.  No!  She wasn’t the bad friend who was a back stabber and a horrible friend and running over and under bus throwing and back stabbing.  That was Tamra.  So Tamra must pay the price.

Once the subject of vows is out of the way Crackie tells Tamra that she seems much happier this year than she was last year.  She is, she is.  Tamra thinks Crackie was in a bad place too last year; her feelings were hurt so easily.

That’s what happens when you STAB THEM IN THE BACK.

She has loneliness and scaredness and not enough time for her unless she forces herself to take it.  Well whose fault is that Ms. Workaholic?  But her relationship with Donn is better right, asks Tamra.  Nothing is perfect, says Crackie.  They just don’t spend enough time with each other.  Well the solution to that is certainly to go away without, isn’t it?

Their salads arrive looking very pretty and I think we can all see where this is going since neither one of these ladies has any taste for fine dining.

Yup, Crackie asked for no crouton on her Caesar salad but neglected to tell them to hold the anchovies.  Bwahahahahahahaha! When their waiter comes over to check on them Crackie says again that Tamra owes her a major apology.  Again!?!?!

Odio mi trabajo.

Gretchen and her dad are having lunch together.  Her dad does that dad thing where they act all weird to the waitress and embarrass you.  My dad does it all the time and it’s fairly horrifying because he thinks he’s being cute while my sister and I would like to crawl under the table or press a mute button to shut him up.

He wants to know about her plan, but she tells him it’s a surprise and he’s not getting it out of her.  She tells us that she’s planning a big surprise renewal of their vows for them.

So is now a bad time to tell you that your mom and I are getting divorced?

He doesn’t really say that, but could imagine how awkward that would?  Anyway, they’ve done so much for her over the years, going to so many cheerleading games.  Her dad just thinks it’s fun when his kids pay attention to him.

I think that’s really cute and pretty spot on for a lot of parents.  I know my parents are always touched when we do something for them because even though we’re adults, we’re still their kids and so they don’t really expect it to be all about them.  So when it is, they really appreciate and enjoy it.

Gretchen’s dad wants to know what the dealio is with her and Slade; are they heading down the path to be more serious or what?  Well…….would he be okay with it if they were to get more serious?

He says he thinks the jury is still out, but that face says something different.  He points out that he doesn’t have to be with the guy for the rest of his life, just temporarily when they come visit.  She brings up the whole kid thing again, but also says if it were her choice she wouldn’t be married again.

She wants him to say it’s okay for her to have kids with Slade without them being married.  UGH.  I think he needs to tell her to have kids on her own.  She certainly doesn’t need to bring anymore kids of Slade’s into the world; he’s already not paying for the ones he has.  Her dad tells her that having kids is not a responsibility to be taken lightly.

The thought of you having kids with Slade makes me want to stab you with my fork.

Gretchen’s dad wonders if Slade wants to have kids; does she even know if that’s what he wants.  He says he does.  Well, be careful of guys her dad cautions her; they’ll say whatever it is they think you want to hear.

Well, if Slade came to him tomorrow and asked for her hand, what would he say.  Without any hesitation her dad answers

Absolutely Not.

Not the answer she was going for.

He loses points immediately though because he backtracks saying he’s kidding; he would have to discuss it all with her before giving Slade an answer.  Obviously her dad’s opinion means a lot to her so I wish he had stuck to his guns there and told her she should dump him and run as fast as she can.  That’s what my dad would have done.

At the pool in Cabo, Crackie and Tamra order drinks, but I am distracted by a lady in the background.

Does she have a five o’clock shadow, or am I hallucinating?

After about two seconds of small talk, Tamra jumps right into talking about how much sex she is having.  He’s sooooooooo hot; she’s ready for him the second he takes his shirt off.  The first time they did it was five hours.  Five hours!  To Lady Gaga.  So I guess she’s counting the four hours and fifty eight minutes it took for him to get it up, right?  And for once Crackie and I are on the same page about hearing about Tamra’s sex life.

Crackie doesn’t think you can have sex for five hours.  Tamra swears to God, five hours!  She was walking like a cowboy.  Oh Tamra, that only happens when you don’t use enough lube.

Now that she’s single Tamra is wondering if she needs vaginal rejuvenation.  A little loosey goosey there, huh Tamra?  Why am I not surprised?  Crackie is predictably grossed out by this line of conversation and does not want to talk about vaginas because that is weird.  Well, now we know why it took five hours for them to have sex.  Poor Eddie; first he can’t get it up, then it keeps falling out.  No wonder they went the cowboy way.

Let’s check in with Post Partum Peggy.  She, Micah and the girls are heading out to Palm Springs in her push present.  For those of you who don’t know what a push present is, Peggy tells us her girlfriends first told her about it; it’s a gift your husband gets you for pushing the baby out.  So, I guess no gift for a C-section?

Peggy’s push present after she had Capri was the Bentley.  You heard me right; she got a fucking Bentley for pushing a baby out of her vagina.  Personally I think the whole push present thing is ridiculous, but then again, I’m not married so it’s not like I was getting one anyway.

So off they go in the baby Bentley and before you know it, they’ve arrived in Palm Springs.  They head down to the pool where a canopied bed/open air cabana thingy awaits.  Micah heads into the pool with London and food gets delivered poolbedside to Peggy and Capri.

And then……..tragedy strikes!

BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!!

Peggy notices blood on Capri and freaks right the fuck out.  She’s asking her “Is your nose bleeding?”  “Did you get a hold of a knife?”

Bitch, I can’t fucking talk!  Let me eat this cookie in peace goddammit!!

Peggy gets more and more freaked out while Capri sits calming eating her cookie.  It looks like she nicked her finger but it can’t be cut that badly since the kid isn’t even bothered by it.  Slap some Neosporin and a band aid on it and move on!

Nope, Peggy is in full freak out mode, ordering Micah to get out of the pool, telling him there is blood everywhere.  There is not blood everywhere, drama queen.  She thinks maybe they need to take her to get stitches; maybe they should poor cold water on her.  Take her to the hospital, DO SOMETHING!!!!  Can’t you see she is bleeding to death!!?!!?!!

Dad, please go get your gun.

We leave this suspenseful scene and go back to Cabo where Crackie and Tamra are making some in-pool friends.  Tamra because she’s so hip and young and sexy wants to do shots, body shots.

Ewwwwwww.

I guess Tamra’s storyline this season is going to be all about how desperate she is to prove that she’s still sexy.  Personally, I think she’s just proving how desperate she is for attention.  You know, for someone who wants to protect her kids she sure is whoring it up in front of the cameras this season.  I mean, I’m not saying she should be a nun, but maybe she could try for a middle ground between nun and skank?

They also run into Donn’s doppelganger in the pool.

And he gets all frisky with Crackie, but I guess it’s okay in her book because he looks so much like Donn.  Yeah, I’m counting down the days until they announce their divorce.

Let’s head back to check on Capri; I hope she didn’t bleed out while we were gone.  Thankfully she hasn’t yet, so Micah heads off with her to the nearest hospital or medical center.  Not because he thinks she needs stitches or anything, but because that is going to be the only way for him to get his wife to shut the fuck up.

The Band-Aid’s gonna cost you about $500.

They call Peggy to let her know that Capri is fine and she thinks it’s always better to be safe than to be sorry.  Sometimes it’s better to take a breath and realize that she’s not going to bleed to death from a cut on her pinky finger.

Now let’s see if Mommy can drown you before Daddy gets back!

We have just enough time for one last scene and so we join Tamra and Crackie on their balcony where Crackie wants Tamra to read her the friendship vows she wrote.  Tamra didn’t write anything, so she’s just gonna wing it and try to bullshit her way through it.

I’m there for you, I’m so there for you.  Your friendship means everything to me until a man I’m boning decides he doesn’t like you and then I’ll be there for you, to stab you in the back again and again and again.

I think we all know that Tamra is THAT girl.  You know the one; she fucks over her friends for a guy over and over and over again until one day there is no more guy and no more friends.  God, I hope this show is still on the air when that happens.

And they have their kumbyah moment and fireworks explode across the sky.  Of course Tamra is like a little kid with the fireworks and keeps trying to climb up on the banister of their balcony to get a closer look.

Can I touch the fireworks, can I, can I Mommy?

Unfortunately Crackie doesn’t push her over the edge so I guess that means she’s finally forgiven her.  Too bad.

And that’s it for another week, Gasmi.  What did you think of the friendship vows?  Do you think five hours of sex was a gross exaggeration?  Were you as afraid as I was at the blood pouring from Capri’s terrible wound?

Thanks for joining me here again this week; I’ve had a great time these past two episodes filling in on this show.  My next show starts soon so I’m not sure if I’ll be subbing in anywhere else before that.  If not, hopefully I’ll see some of you over at the ABDC recaps.  There might not be all the drama over there that there is here but you also will never be subjected to talk of Tamra’s loose vag!

See you soon!

SWAK, PottyMouth