Hi Gasmi! This time around I’m subbing in on Real Housewives of Orange County. Woo hoo! I’m so excited to be here. Are you ready to see what the househos are up to this week?
I’m a free bitch!
That’s so last week, Tamra. This week’s phrase should be “I’m a sad, desperate, skanky ho!” Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself here; let’s start at the beginning of the episode and work our way to sad, skanky desperation.
We start out this episode with Alexis knocking on Gretchen’s door. Gretchen answers wearing a fucking tiara.
Hahahaha! I’m still pissed about you calling me a princess so I’ll be all passive aggressive about it! Heeheehee!
Good lord. Let it go already. Alexis is with me (never thought I’d say that) and tells us she thought all the princess crap was done. Nope. Wrong, Alexis. Gretchen also doesn’t think it was cool that Alexis blamed her overreaction on the drinking. Those are her emotions, okay? The pickling just makes them last longer, DUH.
So they’re heading out to meet the newest househo, Peggy for an afternoon of shopping. Gretchen’s driving!
The fact that she went to the trouble to make sure she had this on her car when she knew Alexis was going to pick her up is just ridiculous. But she’s right, she’s not a princess. She’s a spoiled little baby brat. I can’t believe I used to like her.
Peggy arrives at the shoe store first and starts in on some champagne. Alexis and Gretchen are right behind her and soon they’re all trying on shoes and boots and making snide remarks about each other.
Grannies shouldn’t wear thigh high boots, Peggy!
Yeowza, watch out there Gretchen; you’re starting to look a little haggard yourself. She then makes some crack about Slade saying she shouldn’t get ballerina shoes because they remind him of Jo. Given his life with her (as we’ll soon see) he probably cries himself to sleep at night thinking about how good he had it with Jo.
Who the fuck is Jo? And why does he wear ballerina shoes?
Time to see what Crackie’s up to. We head on over to her house which is in the midst of an extensive renovation. She grills her general contractor about some bill, and then walks through commenting on the work that’s been done.
Before long a noise draws her into the foyer where a couple of the workers are installing the banister for her staircase. She wants to know if they’re going to finish today. Nope. No? Por que? Vickie no likey, telling them that they were late today and cautioning them….
“No scratchy the new woody.”
But my goddamn back itches like crazy!
Her contractor looks at her incredulously saying, “Excuse me?” And she asks him to translate to Spanish. I wish he would have said “Esta perra de mierda es una locura.” Sadly, he does not. Orders given, Vickie leads her contractor away to discuss more pressing issues.
Time for milk and cookies!
Did she really just lead him away like he’s three years old? He doesn’t mind as long as she keeps on writing him checks. She wonders how much value she’s added to her house with all this work and the contractor tells her 200-250k. Vickie likey. Of course, she’d have to find someone to buy the house in this economy, but hey that’s just semantics.
She tells us that Donn doesn’t like change, but she needs a change. Guess whose needs she’s putting first?
One of the workers decides to get back at her by walking through her screen.
No walkie through the screen door-o.
I have to admit, him walking through the screen door had me cracking up. You see, when I was in college I dated a guy that did that very thing the first time I brought him home to meet my parents. Except he actually leapt through it and had screen marks on his forehead for the rest of the day. Talk about an ice breaker! Actually, my dad still speaks fondly of him to this day. Weirdo.
Back to serious business. Crackie knows Donn loves living there, but it’s her life and if she decides to sell the house she’s going to sell it. She doesn’t care what people think. Even if she’s married to them.
Let’s rejoin our shoppers. They’ve worked up an appetite what with all the shoe trying on and all, so they’ve decided to stop for a bite to eat. Over the meal Alexis tells them Miss Andy is making her she wants to have a party next week; Peggy is excited to meet everyone.
Note to self: bring gun to party.
She already knows all about Crackie from her pal Alexis so you just know she’s going to be super excited to meet her. But Alexis doesn’t know what happened with her and Tamra because she’s never said she’s not Tamra’s friend. You have too, Gretchen tells her. Nu uh. Uh huh.
Damn, I wish I had that gun with me now.
Their tiff doesn’t last long though and they move on to other topics of discussion, starting with Slade’s penis. GROSS. Gretchen, Queen of TMI, tells the other ladies that Slade’s penis is so talented that it gets harder or softer based on her mood. Ewwww, so Slade’s penis is like a mood ring? Excuse me while I go scrub my brain out with bleach.
Not wanting to be the only one to gross out the entire viewing audience, Gretchen asks Alexis and Peggy how they manage to have sex with their kids around. Peggy says you have to get creative; why last week she did it in the closet with her husband. I bet that was confusing for her cleaning lady.
Why does the closet smell like a clambake Miss Peggy?
Not to be outdone by Peggy, Alexis tells them she and Jim do it in the closet like all the time. Cue eye roll from Peggy who wonders to us why Alexis is making everything between them a competition. Not only do they do it in the closet, but Alexis likes to tie Jimbo up with her silk scarves and give it to him good. And……barf.
After a quick commercial break and a call to my therapist, we join Tamra and Crackie for lunch. Hopefully neither of them will be discussing penis talents or closet fucking.
Tamra admits she said some pretty mean things about Crackie last year, so she wants to get together and not apologize for any of them. Instead she sits and nods sympathetically while Crackie moans about her $900 electric bill and the fact that she can’t remember the last time she went swimming in her pool. Wah, wah.
Talk quickly turns to Tamra and her divorce. Poor baby is having panic attacks. She thinks what really went wrong is that she’s so upbeat and happy while Simon is so………rigid, Crackie helpfully provides. Yeah, upbeat and happy is totally what comes to my mind every time I think of Tamra.
Sorry, I thought she said harpy.
She does perk up as she tells Crackie about her planned trip to Spain with Eddie. But she’s not telling Simon because it’s none of his business. Um…..what if something happens with their kids? Shouldn’t he know how to reach her?
Enough small talk. Crackie wants Tamra to know she was really hurt by the things she said last year. Tamra excuses herself saying she was going through a really shitty time last year and STILL does not apologize for putting her in the middle of all that crap. What a hag.
From here we travel over to casa de foreclosure where Jimbo and Alexis are getting ready to head out on a trip to San Diego. But not before Jim BLESSES each and every member of his family. I think God puked when he saw that.
You know who doesn’t get a blessing? Their nanny. I guess it doesn’t matter to Jim if his nanny burns in hell or whatever he thinks would happen to them if he didn’t kiss and bless his wife and kids. I’m sure she’s considering herself blessed to have avoided Jim’s lips anywhere near her face.
Jim Jr. wants to ride in the car with his dad, but Jim quashes that right away since he is transporting the bags. Seriously? You can’t move some bags around and spend some time with your son? What a dick.
I hope the bag they left behind has his shit in it.
So Alexis heads out with all three kids and the nanny in her car, while Jim and the luggage travel separately. The universe also thinks he’s a dick for not letting his son ride with him and punishes him with a Bluetooth malfunction.
“Would you like to call Stan?”
“Would you like to call Nick?”
“Would you like to call Jim?”
Bwahahahaha! I love it. Although I do have to admit that my Bluetooth does that to me all the time and I lose my shit. How the fuck can it confuse the name Amy with Dave, Michael and Karen?!?!? They sound nothing alike.
Jim continues down the yellow prick road by speeding up when Alexis pulls alongside him. Jeesh, you can’t take a fucking second to turn and wave at your kids? He really is a douchenozzle.
Is this how you flip someone off, Mommy?
Over at Peggy’s house she’s doling out the daily dosages of multivitamins and fish oil. Yuck! She knows this works because her one year old and two year old have only been sick once their entire lives. I’d be more impressed if that were the case and they were in daycare with all the other germ monkeys.
I feel sick Mommy!
No you don’t! Have some fish oil.
I’m surprised those kids don’t throw up on a daily basis. Not only is Peggy into all the vitamin crap, but her mother-in-law also happens to be some sort of holistic voodoo doctor. She comes in telling Peggy that right now she is treating her skin with stem cells from an apple in Switzerland.
Are there enough cells in that stem to cover her entire face?
I think not! She’s there to test how quickly Peggy is aging. You know your body is like a potato; as it gets older it gets discolored and rusty. And here I thought that was from all the tanning. She has Peggy pee in a cup so she can test her aging, but I think she’s more interested in checking out those testosterone levels.
See this? It says you’re a dude.
Damn you and your potato testing!
Don’t worry Peggy, Doctor Potato Head has just the thing for you – a disco snap bracelet, programmed by her laptop to tone down that testosterone slow down your aging! Phew! Thank god for disco snap bracelets!
Now that we’ve avoided a gender crisis, let’s check in on Gretchen and Slade. They’re also heading out for a long weekend, driving out to Palm Springs to spend some time with friends of Gretchen’s. They’re planning to do some bike riding while they are visiting, so Slade attaches their bikes to the back of the SUV while Gretchen nags at him, wondering if he’s doing it right. Hmmmm…..this doesn’t seem like a new topic does it? Slade doing it right, I mean.
But she’s not done yet. Once they’re on the road Gretchen chastises Slade about his crappy hair and how fat he’s getting while she munches on a cheeseburger. She laughs while she says it, but it doesn’t really seem like she’s joking. If it was anyone else I’d feel really sorry for the guy, but it’s Slade, so………
The Bible Bunch arrives in San Diego and Jim takes time to commend Alexis on her packing skills. In fact, he’s so impressed by them that he wants to line up every single piece of luggage that she brought and take pictures of her in front of it. He’s so wonderful, isn’t he?
Ah, building memories. One humiliation at a time.
I’m not going to give Alexis a hard time for the over packing since I am a chronic over packer myself. The last time my kid and I went on vacation I had five bags for the two of us. In my defense, one of those bags was all toys. Yep, that’s right; that’s my defense.
Hey, remember that bag Jim forgot to put in the car? Well it’s not his like I hoped, it’s the nanny’s. Christ on crutches! Out of all the bags they brought he forgets the ONE BAG of the nanny? Jackass. Since there’s no way Alexis will be sharing any of her clothes with the nanny, she assures her that their assistant will drive the bag down.
I hate these people.
Once in the room, Jim continues his douchenozzlery, rearranging the furniture and even having the bellhops remove some of the furniture. Once he has given his commands he heads out to play with the kids, leaving Alexis to do all the unpacking. Once she’s done King Jim decides he’s hungry and so orders her to get him some room service. Chop chop!
Alexis shows us her reasons for putting up with him.
Back with Gretchen and Slade, she’s nagging him about taking the wrong exit, and then…..the bike falls off the back of the car. Gretchen wastes no time pointing out to him that she just knew he would fuck this up and that the bike would fall off. And she paid good money for that bike! It cost her $700!!!!
They finally arrive at her friend Victor’s house and she wastes no time telling Victor and his boyfriend Robert about what a dumbass Slade is. Yet again she’s not done, telling Robert he just has to see how gay Slade looks on the bike, it’s like soooooo hilarious.
You’re so funny they forgot to laugh.
Slade tells her to cork it and she wants him to pipe down. One of her dogs hides in terror under the car. Poor thing is traumatized by them. Off they go one their bike ride, and Gretchen tells us about how Robert and Victor bring value to her life by telling her all the time how hot she is. Was she always like this?
It’s too hot to rides bikes for long; after all, no one wants to see Gretchen with her makeup melted off. Robert thinks they should go back to his place for a drink and Gretchen wants to know if he’s cooking for them tonight because he’s just the best cooker. Nope, they’re going out.
Awwwww, too bad. Gretchen tells them she keeps thinking she must be pregnant because she keeps eating everything under the sun.
Oh great. Another kid I can NOT pay child support for.
Oh no, silly. Slade reminds her that they actually have to have sex for her to get pregnant. Well they would if he and his lardass didn’t keep falling asleep all the time. Hahahahaha! And Yeouch!
Back over with the Bible Bunch it’s breakfast time. Alexis sits down to eat, but Jim wants ketchup. Alexis fetches it. Just as she sits down he wonders if there’s any toast. She gets up again to get it for him. Ugh, I really fucking hate that. Are his fucking legs broken? Tell him to get his fat ass out of that chair and fetch his own goddamn ketchup and toast!
But no, because Jim is her king, or whatever crap she’s sold to herself to justify her life, Alexis gets up and brings him whatever the hell he wants.
As long as he keeps buying me stuff I’ll run around for him all day long.
She tells the kids that the nanny is taking them over to the park to play. Can she go too? Nope. She’s going shopping with Daddy.
While they finish up their breakfast (or their fetching and carrying) let’s check in with Tamra. She’s driving and talking on the phone to her boyfriend Eddie. She tells us when she first met him she did not want to date him at all because he’s younger than her. Obviously she’s gotten over that. She tells him that Simon has the kids tonight so she’s all his for the evening. Poor guy has no idea what’s in store for him.
Back in San Diego, Jim and Alexis are on their shopping outing.
I sure hope he buys her some pants to go with that top.
She stops to admire some jewelry so they go into the store where he immediately starts looking at watches for himself. He likes one that’s about $22,000, but also likes another. He asks the salesguy if he can have a package deal for both. $27,000 later he has two watches and Alexis gets nada. I bet she’s glad she ran around getting him ketchup and toast!
Wait, what just happened?
But I thought they were in foreclosure? Aren’t they? Do you really think he just spent all that money on two watches, or did he go back and return them as soon as he could duck out on the cameras? Discuss.
Later that day they take the kids to the zoo and Alexis says each of them should take one of the twins. Jim says he’ll take James. ASSHOLE! They make a stop at the lions where the tour guide tells them the females do all the work. Sounds familiar to Alexis.
Back in OC, Tamra and Eddie meet up with their friend Marcos for drinks. Tamra sees Eddie and tells us “Holy Orgasm.” Holy Pukage for me YET AGAIN. She then goes on and on and on and ON about how humpable her boyfriend is. What is she, like 12?
Marcos is already waiting for them and has downed a couple of glasses of wine. I wonder if he knows what’s in store for him. They sit there and Tamra and Eddie and gross and hang all over each other and make out in front of Marcos and are generally pretty fucking gross. Marcos orders more drinks.
As do I.
Meanwhile over in Palm Springs Gretchen, Slade, Victor and Robert are all out to dinner. Gretchen starts in on Slade YET AGAIN, telling him he’s too fat to order the meal he did. Listen, I think Slade is a total fucking slimeball, but honestly I’m superpissed at Gretchen right now because she’s actually making me feel a little sorry for the guy.
They bitch talk about Tamra for a while and then talk turns to Victor and Robert; Slade thinks they should plan a marriage ceremony for them. Gretchen loves the idea, and then Slade wonders if they should plan a double wedding.
Hell to the NO!
You see, Gretchen doesn’t want to marry a man, she just wants to lease him. So, did that apply to Jeff as well? Or only to men with no money? Has she taken a look in the mirror lately, because she’s not looking new and shiny herself. When did she become so gross?
Speaking of gross, here comes the scene that I’ve been dreading since I saw it previewed. That’s right, Gasmi, Tamra and Eddie make a soft core porno.
The nauseous feeling begins……
And then Tamra calls Eddie into the bathroom.
Good god, please let me make it through these next couple of minutes……
He points out the obvious saying, “You’re naked.” Well, she never said she was with him for his brains. She wants to know if he wants to come in. Um. Uh. Okay. Just one thing first……
Wow. He downed that entire glass in one sip! So fortified, he climbs into the tub with her.
So. She doesn’t want to introduce him to her kids, but she’ll fuck him on camera? What a great mom she is.
What did you think of all this, Gasmi? Did you run right out to the store like I did, buy some bleach and immediately begin scrubbing your brain and eyes? What about Alexis and her king? Would you wait on your man hand and foot? And what the fuck is the deal with Gretchen? Was she always this nasty? Or does Slade just bring out the best in her?
I had a blast filling in over here; hope you enjoyed reading this recap as much as enjoyed writing it! Until next time….