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Tuesday, May 24, 2011
3:33 pm
19 Comments
Tagged: real housewives of orange county, reality, recaps, RHOC
Things begin this week in the house that awkward built when Vicki and Donn are required to fulfill a contractual obligation to Bravo and tape a scene together. Trouble is they are not only trapped in each other’s company but with their nest all but empty there is no one around to act as a buffer. Even Walter has taken shelter for this mess. Vicki is making busy in the laundry room and won’t come out, Donn is agitated and doesn’t know what to do when forced to be in the same vicinity as his wife who he now seemingly loathes. There is no veneer of pretence, he’s done and now Vicki is reacting with mild shock at his anger, she’s the kicked puppy.
Get used to this site Vicki, its Donn walking away. You lose.
Gretchen is home from San Antonio and has Slade schlep her 1000 pounds of bags in from the car and manages to thank him for his help and berate him for being fat, worthless and indigent in the same breath. She continues to be troubled by how this piece of shit boyfriend of hers could reflect poorly on her public image and it’s hard for her you know?
On to the happy housewives. Peggy and Micah are going to Vegas for the weekend to celebrate Micah’s birthday and have invited new BFFs Tamra and Eddie because Tamra is a sun sign and you just can’t fight that kind of fate. Some other random blonde and her man are coming along to make up the three-way and Alexis and Jimbo are dead to the Tanous’ because Alexis is crazy if she thinks Peggy’s lips are bigger than hers and bitch created a scene at their party.
Over lunch Micah is once again a portentous ass who wants to be the centre of attention and pontificate at great length his ideas and opinions about everything. Good footage of him sermonizing about phonies and wantabes and the need to be real and live within your means. Cut to the latest headlines of the Tanous’ home foreclosure.
Loan Modification – it’s the new black.
Gretchen arrives home from work to a clean house and dinner cooking. She lets Slade out of the kitchen long enough to tell him (again) that she is the one taking care of him and all expenses, he’s a deadbeat douchebag who makes zero money and owes over one hundred thousand in child support and frankly the whole situation with that sick child of his is bothersome and G doesn’t want to saddled with someone else’s money trouble and she doesn’t want to pay his debt and yeah the sex is good but she wants a baby and her clock is ticking and she’s not making money to spend it on someone else’s kid. Slade takes it and asks for more. What else is he going to do? He certainly doesn’t want to change things, he has no where to go and will ride this grift for as long as he can. Side note to Slade: Shave! Wash!
Someone buy this guy a bar of soap.
Poor G. Good help is hard to find, but it doesn’t add up and Slade is just not a good buy, not even as an investment (face it, this asshole has no potential, he’ll never pay off). She’s gotta do some thinking (chore!) about her future. Damn, I hope there’s no Date My Ex2: the Gretchen & Slade edition in the works.
It’s Vegas baby and Micah is playing pool like a pro (naturally) awaiting birthday gifts from Peggy. The silver package intrigues him (its shiny!) and before he can be too confused to discover it is a book, Peggy flips it open and shows him it’s a picture book, no reading required. Whew! Close one. It’s an album of boudoir shots of Peggy and her new boobs. Micah likey.
Vicki is at home, heaving big sighs and wanting us to believe that she is lonely and doesn’t like to eat by herself (didn’t she just say at Peggy’s party that she eats without her husband all the time). Why is she at home? Doesn’t she work all the time, isn’t that what she always claims? Cue the montage of Donn being a dink and saying mean things (this season) and a couple of nice things (other seasons) and Vicki prays (or falls asleep?) thinking about how horrible her life is with Donn. Later at lunch with Tamra she boo hoos some more about the death of her second marriage and her pain, anguish and feelings of failure. Vicki is a colossal, bossy, schreechy pain in the ass but you had to feel for her in the moment, she is clearly in pain.
Alexis Cloture is ready to launch with an exclusive preview fashion show in a backroom of a pub brasserie for a few of Alexis’ closest extras friends. She is giggly with excitement over the event and tries to explain something about her being a perfectionist but as a perfectionist you have trouble saying you’re a perfectionist…uhm, I don’t get it. Why not just say you’re stupid, we all get that.
Ouch, thinking is hard.
The stage is set at the restaurant and taking a page from the She by Sheree book of fashion shows, Alexis has displayed some blown up photos of herself from her recent photo shoot (any shots of smoke filled rooms with sprinklers being set off from the infamous smoke alarm incident?). After art directing the fashion show and the models (walk in with lots of hip action and then exit) she is off with her Pocket Gay (thanks Tamra) to greet her guests and take complete credit for design and sewing of all the dresses when in fact her creative contribution to the effort was to cruelly hack the sleeves off a dress in front of the real designer and pose awkwardly for a few photos and oh yeah, the whole setting a hotel’s smoke alarm off due to the ever essential fog machine on said photo shoot.
The extras that were called to the set include housewives past Lynn and Fernanda. Alexis looks to avoid any evil eye or mace incidents by keeping Tamra, Vicki and Lynn at one table and herself, Gretchen and Peggy at another (side note: Pocket Gay Dylan introduces the Alexis Bellino Couture & Casual Collection. Is that even possible? Do those two things belong in the same sentence?)…but where’s Vicki? That rude bitch, she can’t stand it when it’s not about her, she’s so selfish trying to steal Alexis’ shine and bring attention to herself. But the show must go on and Alexis must meet the needs of her public, the fashion starved every day woman who wants to wear something that is long and short, flowy and tight, with fit and styles that look good on every body type.
Alexis Couture, from the Porn 2011 collection
Tamra gets a text between courses letting her know that Vicki is in the hospital hemorrhaging from her ass and is going in for emergency surgery but don’t miss the soup, come after the fashion extravaganza is over. Wise and sage Lynn advises Tamra not to worry about her friend because worrying only causes wrinkles and from the sounds of it those wrinkles are going to be with you a lot longer than your friend Vicki so chill out, pill out, and light up, be Zen girl, your face is worth it.
Gretchen gets wind of the hospital drama going down and immediately calls bullshit and provokes Alexis with snarks about Vicki and Tamra conspiring to steal her thunder on Alexis’ big day because who needs to go to a hospital on a Thursday after all? Huh? Wtf Gretchen? Dylan comforts Tamra with the assurance that one time (at band camp) he knew someone who knew someone who had some sort of a surgery and they were fine.
Gretchen wants to know if Tamra thinks it’s ironic that Vicki is having this health crisis exactly at the time of Alexis’ fashion show and therefore diverting attention from the show to Vicki. No, you dumb bitch. Ironic is you and Alexis accusing someone else of being jealous of others and desperate to be the centre of attention while questioning someone’s internal bleeding and emergency surgery as a conceived plot to take attention away from the oh so important fashion show. Self-involved much?
What’s the big deal? Vicki was complaining that no one touches her,
you’d think she’d enjoy a little ass surgery.
Long lost Fernanda makes a sensible comment and wonders why they are even talking about anything except the fashion show and Alexis’ wonderful achievement. Now Fernanda, it’s good sense and good humour like that that got your ass shown the door.
Who are you again? Oh yeah, a housewife with something nice to say
…no wonder no one remembers you.
Next week is the finale (yippee…this has been a sorta drag of a season) and the showdown we’ve been waiting for is coming. Tamra vs. Jeana. There is a pool mentioned and one can only hope for something epic…
Fight! Fight!
What did you think of this week’s episode?
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19 Comments
Gretchen didn’t look too good by questioning vicki’s absence. I did read on other blogs and watched on WWHL that Vicki just had a test done that day, not surgery. She apparently had the bleeding 2 months prior but waited until that day to go get it checked out. She couldn’t have been that bad if she was busy texting and taking photos of her iv. Although, IMO Vicki doesn’t normally play games. That’s what tamra & Gretchen would do. Vicki would just say there was a work emergency.
Gretchen completely jumped the shark this episode for me.
I mean, we’ve all known she’s rather shallow and self-absorbed but that conversation about Slade’s child support was just the worst. So a sick child’s bills are interfering with her relationship? Really?
And evidently Slade’s ex is a total bitch for demanding the financial support she’s owed. Yeah, her baby might be dying but still,the nerve of her!
Poor Gretchen. Life is so so unfair.
“…those wrinkles are gonna be with you a lot longer than your friend, Vicki, so chill out, pill out, and light up, be Zen girl, your face is worth it” CLASSIC! Love. It. This season has been way more of a buzzkill than I expected. I figured these hoes would be so thankful Bravo even allowed their broke-asses another season, that they’d at least give us SOMETHIN’! And I promise-next week will be even more built up than it already is by the time the confrontation occurs, it’ll be more than a yawn. Your recaps are all that has kept me even aware these bitches even exist.
Yeah, I think Gretchen was pretty much a bitch this episode. Vicki may have picked that day to go check out her condition but (no pun intended) she may have had a flare up and genuinely needed to be attended to. I think what Ducky McJesus Tits did at Peggy’s dinner was far more disrespectful.
And, yes, it is horrible what Slade’s kid is going thru. I hope he makes it to adulthood. But, the financial burden is Slade’s not Gretchen’s and as much as I’ve always disliked G I think she’s smart to have that attitude. What if it were a gambling debt? Should she be responsible for it then? If she makes the money in the relationship and is the sole source of support then she’s got every right to protect it. She needs to DUMP HIS SCUZZY ASS!
Oh, and when did Vicki suddenly get all religious and start reading the Bible and praying? You’d think she and Alexis could’ve bonded over that.
So…Gretchen’s afraid that if she and Slade end up having a baby, people will make comments about his child support problem. How about having to explain who the baby daddy really is, since she made it public that Slade has been SNIPPED?!
Slade gets paid for doing these shows. Doesn’t California provide for garnishing the father’s wages to pay child support? It’s not like he’s getting paid under the table. Why isn’t the allowed 50% garnishment being taken from him?
Gretchen should worry less about Slade’s “chub” and more about his lack of hygiene. Gaaaaagg!
Lynn is getting the perfect amount of exposure this season. Too much of her is painful, but in little doses she’s hilarious.
Or maybe it’s just because her annoying daughter isn’t around? That girl makes me want to punch something.
Gretchen was a moronic jack ass this episode, but she hasn’t been endearing this season at all.
And Tamra needs to remember that the short dress that showed the model’s cooch is the same type of dress she wore to that disastrous dinner last season where Vicki stormed out with Donn. She isn’t past nearly blowing Eddie at Peggy’s dinner but that dress made her blush? Please.
OMG..this season is still on!
Donn probably got tired of Vicki’s JarJar Bink like face and thought he’d had enough. And I bet she works too hard to ever go down on him. So why bother with her nasty, boring, screechy ass?
I think Gretchen is being smart, wanting to know her rights and options. What would be smarter is dumping Slade’s ass.
I said it once and I’ll say it again. Viciki you’re an idiot, I will take Donn off your hands for you. He is just awesome!
Great recap Zip. You’re right, this is one snooze of a season. In reference to Gretchen’s snark about Vicki and the fashion show/bleeding out her butt, well, sure it was absolutely ridiculous.
What’s more ridiculous is Tamra announcing it to the ladies at all. Sure, it was a serious medical problem but a simple, “I heard from Vicki, sorry she sends her regrets….” to Alexis would have been enough. If she was pressed, she could have told Alexis, and told her to keep it on the down-low for the next….what?…two courses? Sure, Tamra appeared shaken, but probably because she was thinking how she could turn the focus back to herself. “I just got Vicki back….I can’t lose her now!” Oh please.
Did anyone else do the math on the Donn/Vicki dryspell? She told Tamra they hadn’t been intimate in two years………which means not even on the “My Big Fat Fake Renewal of Wedding Vows” in Turks and Caicos. Oh, but remember it’s Coto Insurance for all your insurance needs………geesh.
There are worse things than bleeding out the ass while laying in the hospital being sucking down happy pills.
For example, you could be laying in bed next to Slade Slimey and having to smell the greasy funk rolling off of him. Or you could be at a shitfest of slutty kur-tur, clapping as half-nekkid models ho-walk on by and wishing you without a knife to stab your eyes out with. Or you could be sitting next to Alexass while she gags over French food that she can’t pronounce, define or eat.
Worst of all, you could be sitting at home watching this bitchfest on tv, wondering how your life came to this but snickering a little because at least you don’t have duck lips and a serious alcohol problem. Well, not duck lips, anyway.
I hope Jeana and Tamra fight about the mace. They kinda let that story line die without any resolution.
@2muchbravo: Ducky McJesus Tits is my new porn name, as of right now.
@Joy1333: Totally, while Gretchen was a total bitch this episode, Tamra totally tried to milk Vicky’s thing so that she could get some attention.
Also, I’m not sorry about Vicky feeling alienated from Donn, she tried that poor guy like dirt for years and now has the gall to accuse him of not being around for her when she keeps saying that she loves being at work until midnight on most days.
As for Slade, I love that he is being treated basically like an aging trophy wife whose looks are fading so the husband doesn’t want to indulge her as much. As much as I hate G and she was awful by putting it on Slade’s sick kid, I love that someone is treating him that way. Better yet, he can’t talk back and be an ass like he was with Jo because he clearly knows that he is a kept man.
lmao this episode was BORING. all OC housewives are bankrupt, they need to breathe some money into this franchise.
I’m sorry Vicki is going through this hard time with Donn and all, but as a Catholic and as a HUMAN BEING I have GOT to ask her to stop doing that mock “sign of the cross” thing. Like, now.
@wherewordsfail — I’m so with you on that one. Doesn’t she realize that’s the religion of the “help”? The “dark” people? Someone might mistake her for one of them!