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Things begin this week in the house that awkward built when Vicki and Donn are required to fulfill a contractual obligation to Bravo and tape a scene together. Trouble is they are not only trapped in each other’s company but with their nest all but empty there is no one around to act as a buffer. Even Walter has taken shelter for this mess. Vicki is making busy in the laundry room and won’t come out, Donn is agitated and doesn’t know what to do when forced to be in the same vicinity as his wife who he now seemingly loathes. There is no veneer of pretence, he’s done and now Vicki is reacting with mild shock at his anger, she’s the kicked puppy.
Get used to this site Vicki, its Donn walking away. You lose.
Gretchen is home from San Antonio and has Slade schlep her 1000 pounds of bags in from the car and manages to thank him for his help and berate him for being fat, worthless and indigent in the same breath. She continues to be troubled by how this piece of shit boyfriend of hers could reflect poorly on her public image and it’s hard for her you know?
On to the happy housewives. Peggy and Micah are going to Vegas for the weekend to celebrate Micah’s birthday and have invited new BFFs Tamra and Eddie because Tamra is a sun sign and you just can’t fight that kind of fate. Some other random blonde and her man are coming along to make up the three-way and Alexis and Jimbo are dead to the Tanous’ because Alexis is crazy if she thinks Peggy’s lips are bigger than hers and bitch created a scene at their party.
Over lunch Micah is once again a portentous ass who wants to be the centre of attention and pontificate at great length his ideas and opinions about everything. Good footage of him sermonizing about phonies and wantabes and the need to be real and live within your means. Cut to the latest headlines of the Tanous’ home foreclosure.
Loan Modification – it’s the new black.
Gretchen arrives home from work to a clean house and dinner cooking. She lets Slade out of the kitchen long enough to tell him (again) that she is the one taking care of him and all expenses, he’s a deadbeat douchebag who makes zero money and owes over one hundred thousand in child support and frankly the whole situation with that sick child of his is bothersome and G doesn’t want to saddled with someone else’s money trouble and she doesn’t want to pay his debt and yeah the sex is good but she wants a baby and her clock is ticking and she’s not making money to spend it on someone else’s kid. Slade takes it and asks for more. What else is he going to do? He certainly doesn’t want to change things, he has no where to go and will ride this grift for as long as he can. Side note to Slade: Shave! Wash!
Someone buy this guy a bar of soap.
Poor G. Good help is hard to find, but it doesn’t add up and Slade is just not a good buy, not even as an investment (face it, this asshole has no potential, he’ll never pay off). She’s gotta do some thinking (chore!) about her future. Damn, I hope there’s no Date My Ex2: the Gretchen & Slade edition in the works.
It’s Vegas baby and Micah is playing pool like a pro (naturally) awaiting birthday gifts from Peggy. The silver package intrigues him (its shiny!) and before he can be too confused to discover it is a book, Peggy flips it open and shows him it’s a picture book, no reading required. Whew! Close one. It’s an album of boudoir shots of Peggy and her new boobs. Micah likey.
Vicki is at home, heaving big sighs and wanting us to believe that she is lonely and doesn’t like to eat by herself (didn’t she just say at Peggy’s party that she eats without her husband all the time). Why is she at home? Doesn’t she work all the time, isn’t that what she always claims? Cue the montage of Donn being a dink and saying mean things (this season) and a couple of nice things (other seasons) and Vicki prays (or falls asleep?) thinking about how horrible her life is with Donn. Later at lunch with Tamra she boo hoos some more about the death of her second marriage and her pain, anguish and feelings of failure. Vicki is a colossal, bossy, schreechy pain in the ass but you had to feel for her in the moment, she is clearly in pain.
Alexis Cloture is ready to launch with an exclusive preview fashion show in a backroom of a pub brasserie for a few of Alexis’ closest extras friends. She is giggly with excitement over the event and tries to explain something about her being a perfectionist but as a perfectionist you have trouble saying you’re a perfectionist…uhm, I don’t get it. Why not just say you’re stupid, we all get that.
Ouch, thinking is hard.
The stage is set at the restaurant and taking a page from the She by Sheree book of fashion shows, Alexis has displayed some blown up photos of herself from her recent photo shoot (any shots of smoke filled rooms with sprinklers being set off from the infamous smoke alarm incident?). After art directing the fashion show and the models (walk in with lots of hip action and then exit) she is off with her Pocket Gay (thanks Tamra) to greet her guests and take complete credit for design and sewing of all the dresses when in fact her creative contribution to the effort was to cruelly hack the sleeves off a dress in front of the real designer and pose awkwardly for a few photos and oh yeah, the whole setting a hotel’s smoke alarm off due to the ever essential fog machine on said photo shoot.
The extras that were called to the set include housewives past Lynn and Fernanda. Alexis looks to avoid any evil eye or mace incidents by keeping Tamra, Vicki and Lynn at one table and herself, Gretchen and Peggy at another (side note: Pocket Gay Dylan introduces the Alexis Bellino Couture & Casual Collection. Is that even possible? Do those two things belong in the same sentence?)…but where’s Vicki? That rude bitch, she can’t stand it when it’s not about her, she’s so selfish trying to steal Alexis’ shine and bring attention to herself. But the show must go on and Alexis must meet the needs of her public, the fashion starved every day woman who wants to wear something that is long and short, flowy and tight, with fit and styles that look good on every body type.
Alexis Couture, from the Porn 2011 collection
Tamra gets a text between courses letting her know that Vicki is in the hospital hemorrhaging from her ass and is going in for emergency surgery but don’t miss the soup, come after the fashion extravaganza is over. Wise and sage Lynn advises Tamra not to worry about her friend because worrying only causes wrinkles and from the sounds of it those wrinkles are going to be with you a lot longer than your friend Vicki so chill out, pill out, and light up, be Zen girl, your face is worth it.
Gretchen gets wind of the hospital drama going down and immediately calls bullshit and provokes Alexis with snarks about Vicki and Tamra conspiring to steal her thunder on Alexis’ big day because who needs to go to a hospital on a Thursday after all? Huh? Wtf Gretchen? Dylan comforts Tamra with the assurance that one time (at band camp) he knew someone who knew someone who had some sort of a surgery and they were fine.
Gretchen wants to know if Tamra thinks it’s ironic that Vicki is having this health crisis exactly at the time of Alexis’ fashion show and therefore diverting attention from the show to Vicki. No, you dumb bitch. Ironic is you and Alexis accusing someone else of being jealous of others and desperate to be the centre of attention while questioning someone’s internal bleeding and emergency surgery as a conceived plot to take attention away from the oh so important fashion show. Self-involved much?
What’s the big deal? Vicki was complaining that no one touches her,
you’d think she’d enjoy a little ass surgery.
Long lost Fernanda makes a sensible comment and wonders why they are even talking about anything except the fashion show and Alexis’ wonderful achievement. Now Fernanda, it’s good sense and good humour like that that got your ass shown the door.
Who are you again? Oh yeah, a housewife with something nice to say
…no wonder no one remembers you.
Next week is the finale (yippee…this has been a sorta drag of a season) and the showdown we’ve been waiting for is coming. Tamra vs. Jeana. There is a pool mentioned and one can only hope for something epic…
What did you think of this week’s episode?