Well, this is it, the finale of season 6 and the big fight between Tamra and Jeana that Bravo has been teasing all season is on…but not yet. Bravo milks that moment right ‘til the end and we don’t get to see it go down until the last ten minutes, so until then…
Vicki is home from the hospital and now her heart (instead of her bum) is bleeding because she served Donn with divorce papers for not loving her the right way. Seeing Donn’s clothes in her closet is making her sad. Her colon has ulcers and they are probably Donn’s fault and now she has to put on a happy face because she’s been planning a “Fall Party” for weeks and the show must go on. Luckily she happens to have some Preparation-H on hand that she slaps around her eyes to take down the swelling from her self-serving weeping.
It’s not just for ass ulcers, it’s for ass face too.
Vicki is seeking life advice and guidance from some random make-up artist who is there to tart her up for the party. In between announcing how sad she looks, heavy sighs, warnings of crying jags that could happen at any moment and asking aloud ‘how do you know you do the right things when you do them?’, she interviews with that Donn is not returning her calls (he’s got some nerve doesn’t he?) and that he obviously doesn’t want to communicate.
This woman is a piece of work. She had him served with divorce papers and now she’s getting pissy because Donn’s not…what? Begging to see her and talk, acting the broken man in front of her, desperate to work things out? She actually says she realized that Donn doesn’t love her the way it takes to stay married after she had him served. After? She may have overplayed her hand one too many times. Run Donn run!!
Tamra is at Eddie’s getting ready for the party and uh-oh she’s in the bathroom with Eddie and there is wine involved. Pleeeease don’t go near the tub, one porn session with these two was damaging enough.
Hey, you just turn yourself around and march that wine back out the door.
One scarring porn display is enough for a lifetime
Tamra is pissed, because despite her telling Jeana to stay out of her business and keep her trap shut to the media, a quote from Jeana regarding Tamra and Simon’s divorce has shown up again in another tabloid and Tamra’s not having it. For the umpteenth time this season, Eddie tells Tamra not to sweat it, keep her cool, who cares about (insert name of whoever T thinks doesn’t have her back). Meh, Tamra’s not having that either.
At Gretchen’s house it’s time for omelets in bed with douchebag Slade. Side note: does this drag queen ho go to bed at night with a full face of stage makeup so it will rub off and be her daytime fresh look by morning?
Fresh faced morning beaute
G has had a change of heart and doesn’t want Vicki to be sick and when she was bitchy and snide with her previous comments that it was “ironic” that Vicki’s ass started bleeding on the same day as Alexis’ fashion show it was because she was just emotionally coiled and had pent up issues towards the women (that they brought upon themselves) because no one seemed to care when her Jeff was in the hospital but everyone was supposed to drop everything and tend to Vicki when she was sick. Uhm, guess what G, they like Vicki more or you less or something like that, and OMG, self-involved much? When she discovered that Vicki was actually ill (and her bitchy won’t play well for her pr) she high-tailed it to the hospital to tell Vicki she cares. Vicki doesn’t give a shit but you never know when G might need some insurance so what the hell, hugs all around.
And btw G, this is what ironic is. Douchebag Slade offering his sage and supercilious take on the breakdown of Vicki’s marriage and how it was mainly Vicki’s fault and she treated Donn like crap and basically karma’s a bitch and so is Vicki. Stfu Slade, you may be right but you’re a douchebag loser, deadbeat dad, a wannabe hanger-on sycophant who has become a desperate shadow of your delusions of grandeur reduced to Girl Friday status for your tricked-out pimp mama (the only one more desperate than you and who thought that was even possible?!). You gots no bizness saying nothing ‘bout nothing. Now shut your mouth tubbawubba and go haul some bags in from the car.
Gretchen wants to go to Vicki’s party and she wants Slade to go with her. G sees this as a great opportunity to show everyone who slagged on her and Slade’s relationship (you know, the same ladies who are divorced or divorcing), to see that she and douchebag are what a real committed relationship looks like, (insert raspberry here, na na na na na na).
Woo hoo, let’s go and be all pathetic superior and stuff
Ding-dong Dylan’s here to take part in the play in Alexis’ head where she is someone of wealth, sophistication and substance…and someone who requires an assistant. Dylan helps to keep Alexis from wearing a couture thong and bustier to Vicki’s party and vetoes the Barbie, Elegant, Princess and Jimbo dress choices and gets Alexis in a orange satin pillow case, you know ‘cause orange is a fall color and it’s a fall party and who doesn’t want to be matchy-matchy. That Dylan is worth every cent.
Alexis has invited her hottest girlfriends to accompany her to the party because that’s the way she rolls. And also Jim won’t go. But that’s ok because she and Jim have a marriage that works (take that Vicki and Tamra) and holy crap now Alexis is going to pontificate on her views on marriage and in her tiny little mind things have pretty much gone downhill since women got the vote. That kind of liberal thinking and equal rights for women is what has contributed to the breakdown of the American nuclear family and she was created from her husband’s rib (probably had it removed by now to get a smaller frame) and she wants to be his wife and his cherish (?) and divorce is not a word that has come up yet. *lol* She said yet. Freudian slip perhaps?
Tamra and Eddie are rolling in a limo (what’s with all the limos, all these broke hos take limos…at least they don’t drink and drive, just drink and debt load I guess) to Vicki’s party. Tamra spends about one minute commenting on her bff Vicki and the hard time she is going through right now and another twenty minutes on herself and the horrible Jeana. Eddie advises her to keep cool and Tamra says she will but in the same sentence says when she sees Jeana at the party she intends to serve her with a cease and desist letter from her lawyer (yeah, good timing, very classy and why would anyone have anything to gossip about when you’re conducting your business so publicly) and maybe a well deserved slap in the face. Yeah, that sounds like calm and cool behavior.
Eddie often makes this face when he looks at Tamra, the wtf, are you for real face…
and in the words of the legendary Judge Judy, you picked her!
The party is starting at Vicki’s and her backyard looks pretty gorgeous, lots of colorful lanterns and baskets of leaves and fall colors that match Alexis’ couture dress. When Tamra arrives she immediately takes a drink up to Vicki who is still holed up in her bedroom and fawns over her a bit, telling her how great she looks (she does). Vicki says she doesn’t want her divorce to be a topic of conversation and then proceeds to talk ad nauseum about it. She’s still whining that she hasn’t heard from Donn. What was the serving of the papers to her, a pseudo bullshit cry for help? The divorce papers are some sort of a jumping off point for discussion? What she really meant was let’s talk, she just wanted to get his attention? And now Donn’s not responding the way she expects him to. I’m reminded of the age old story of the boy who cried wolf.
There is much airtime taken up with Vicki boo-hooing about how sad she is and Tamra screeching at her not to cry because it will ruin her make-up and offering to feel her up to make her feel better (make her feel better? Really?). Tamra steps out for a minute to recruit Peggy to help her get the word out to party guests that no one should mention the word “Donn”. Man, these women are annoying. Seems to me the best way to not talk about something is to…not talk about it!! And if someone brings it up you say you’d rather not talk about it and move the conversation on. But where is the drama in that? And besides this kind of focus and attention is all Vicki has ever wanted. Peggy does her duty and stumbles around (she is drunk to the point of mildly slurring her words) and delights in being the one to announce to all that as the bff of choice she has been tasked with asking everyone not to mention the D-word in the presence of the delicate Vicki. Then all the housewives tromp upstairs to Vicki’s room to rally around Vickster and offer their support. Hey, how the hell did Fernada get in there?
Meantime, the ghosts of housewives past have shown up at the party; Jeana with a pocket gay or two of her own, sloppy drunk Tammy (who later spills her drink on Vicki) and Quinn (or her alter ego?) who is wearing the latest wig from the Kim Zolciak collection.
“The Possum” from the Kim Zolciak collection
Finally Vicki makes an appearance at her own party and revels in being the centre of attention. Shout out to Eddie, he really does seem like a nice guy and he knows how to handle himself socially. He’s sweet and cheerful with Vicki and skillfully avoids being pulled into the Vicki show by deflecting her pitiful whimpers of how hard it all is (yeah, way to not talk about it Vicki).
Peggy, as it turns out, is kind of an ugly drunk, stumbling and slurring a bit. Tammy’s wasted too but she’s a goofy drunk who wants to giggle and have fun. Peggy’s one of those types who gets all serious and wants to have big discussions and shit. So now is as good a time as any to take a run at Alexis and let her know that she doesn’t appreciate anyone calling her lips big. Alexis acts all shocked and says she has no recollection of calling anyone’s lips big and the ever helpful Gretchen chirps in that she doesn’t know about lips but she’s noticed that they definitely have tension between them and what’s up with that? Yes, very helpful Gretchen, lol, what a shit disturber.
Blech, then Alexis and Peggy go at it with the intensity and drama of tween girls bleating, I don’t knooooow, what is wrooong with you, you’re attacking me, no you’re attacking me, your man was mean to my man, don’t you talk about my man, you’ve changed, no you’ve changed…these two are particularly stupid, they make my head hurt. Then, feeling cornered, Alexis goes off saying, I love my lips, I love my boobies, I love myself, I love my King and I don’t care if we’re friends or not. Well, finally, she should have started with that.
Ewwwwww, Tamra’s oldest (and most disappointing) son Ryan has showed up. I guess we can be thankful that this is his only appearance this season and it’s a brief one.
Peggy has now stumbled over to Jeana to let her know that Tamra is her friend (that’s what makes this Peggy’s business?) and she wants to know why Jeana is doing things that make her friend upset. Some arbitrary “Tamra Friend” named Ricky (does T have pocket gays too?) joins in and the two of them start to interrogate Jeana, wanting to know what she is claiming happened with the media and if she thinks having a heavy leash (not just a leash, a heavy leash) thrown at you is abuse. Jeana’s a bitch but at least she owns it. She doesn’t apologize or try to mollify her audience, she answered a question the media asked her and she can’t help it if they twisted her words. She doesn’t believe Tamra was abused, she said what she said and she’d do it again. Piss off.
Peggy motions Tamra to come and join this little chatter group (wtf Peggy?) and tells Tamra she thinks she and Jeana should talk because she says so (next up for Peggy is world peace. Drunks should rule the world. They get stuff done). Again, you gotta give it to Jeana for being authentic, she doesn’t back down. She looks at Tamra like she’s something gross on the bottom of her shoe, but she doesn’t raise her voice. She talks down to Tamra like she’s a slow-witted child, which of course sends Tamra from zero to sixty in a heartbeat. Suddenly Tamra is shouting and swearing at Jeana and the crowd is swelling around the ladies (fight, fight!), ooooh, blood in the water, and the ever articulate Tamra throws her “sis & decease” letter in Jeana’s face.
I hope that “sis & decease” letter isn’t as heavy as a leash.
Well, Jeana has a breaking point too and she puffs up and looms forward, saying Tamra better back off or she’ll throw her skinny little ass in the pool (awww, a compliment, she called her skinny). Tamra’s all bravado double-dog-daring Jeana to try to throw her in the pool, but she’s backing up as she says it. Then T’s mom jumps in telling Jeana to get away from her daughter. With Jeana momentarily distracted by mom, Tamra throws a glass of wine in Jeana’s face and calls her a bitch.
Yee haw, it’s on! Jeana is blinded by the wine and while wiping her eyes she throws her glass of wine at the nearest blonde, probably thinking it was Tamra. In the OC, one can’t trust the blurry sight of blonde extensions, orange tan and big boobs. It could be anyone. As it turns out, the unintended target is some chick with anger management issues named Mishel (maybe she’s angry at her parents for spelling her name so stupidly). Mishel lunges at Jeana, who is stumbling towards the bar still blinded by her wine wash, and shoves her hard from behind, sending Jeana into the chairs. Oooooooh, gasps all around from the peanut gallery.
Take that beyotch, oh it’s on!
Quinn jumps in (that Kim Z wig must give her super powers) and she tells Mish not to touch her friend, and even happy- drunk Tammy gets in on it and chides Mishel for putting her hands on someone. Suddenly one of Jeana’s pocket gays (Ben) erupts, rushing to Jeana’s side and managing to throw his drink on Mishel in the process. Mish starts screeching that her fifteen-hundred dollar dress is ruined and Ben calls bullshit on that saying there’s no way her Forever Young polyester piece of crap cost that much. He hustles Jeana out of the party with Tamra following them to the curb, shrieking that Jeana is the meanest person in the world. Ben throws his glass at T, they call her a bitch and peace out bitches, Jeana has left the building. And then she goes home and quickly calls Simon to see if Tamra has had her rabies shot.
Back at the party everyone is atwitter with the excitement of it all. Briana points out the obvious: that these people are ridiculous, they’re old and should know better and even her friends who are in their twenties don’t behave like this.
Tamra is in the corner playing heaving bosomed ingénue for Eddie – uhm, T, you are twenty five years too old and waaaay too much of a slut to pull that off…but Eddie’s not all that bright so he coddles her and tells her it’s going to be alright. Tamra is so full of shit, she immediately spins the story to Jeana being a violent aggressor who tried to manhandle her and throw her to the ground and in the pool. *gasp* Oh no! Tamra you poor thing, are you okay?! Tamra is loving the attention (and camera time) and is smirking like a cat that got the cream. Ha! Then Gretchen steps in to be ‘helpful’ yet again and asks T to consider the similarities between them, does she now understand how G felt about her when T was talking to the media about G and Jeff and all that business?
*cricket*cricket* It seems like Tamra is considering what Gretchen has just said and for a fleeting moment there was a glimpse of a chance to move on. T told G she wished her all the best and she eagerly agreed to the suggestion of finally just letting the ancient history of their ‘feud’ go. But Gretchen isn’t satisfied with a peck on the cheek and letting bygones be bygones. Oh no, she still has a lot of feelings of anger that need to be acknowledged and addressed and I’m not quite sure what she expects from Tamra except that it’s something unrealistic (and unnecessary). She wants no less than a public flogging of T and then to be lionized and then maybe, just maybe, she’ll consider thinking about maybe moving on. Yeah, Tamra’s over it and with a sneer and a shrug she turns her back on G and gets back to the topic at hand…her!
Cue the music, it’s time to wrap this season up with screen shots and summaries of the wives…
Gretchen spent the entire season pondering what the impact of dating a deadbeat douchebag would have on her public image, but she’ll think about that tomorrow. For now she’s going to look for photo ops and tabloid attention by playing dress-up at the bridal salon. Will she or won’t she marry Slade? No one cares.
Tamra is going through menopause. Well, she didn’t say that, but I’m reading between the lines when she says she goes through so many emotions on a daily basis. She has introduced Eddie to all her rug rats and is about to officially become a free bitch any day now when her divorce becomes final.
Vicki is looking to get her love tank filled from a conductor or something? I don’t know, she started yammering some shit about her being on a train or getting off a train or something… Poor Briana has moved back home to be there for her mom while she goes through her divorce. *sigh* She was soooo close, I thought Briana was going to make it, but the caliente kitchen has pulled her back (btw that caliente kitchen could be yours for a cool $2.6M).
Turns out Peggy dated Jimbo before he met Alexis….well, that explains a lot of Alexis’ attitude I guess. Somewhere in the shallows of her teeny mind she is jealous of Peggy because Peggy dodged a bullet.
Peggy and Tamra are bff’s because T is a Virgo and they have made the all important vow to have each other’s backs. Peggy is so boring the best Bravo can come up with for a summary is that she continues to lead a healthy lifestyle and avoids junk food, prescription drugs and Alexis…and paying her bills according to recent reports.
And…that’s all she wrote, it’s over. Overall a pretty tiresome season, a couple of good moments of absurdity and spectacle, but the OC jumped the shark a few seasons back I’d say. But I love my OC hos and I’ll always watch them, you dance with the one who brought you…
What did y’all think? You know Bravo will stretch the requisite reunion show across at least two more episodes, but at least the reunion has some (almost) genuine and unscripted moments.