RHOC: Get Your Bull On

Howdy y’all.  They say everything’s bigger in Texas so it makes sense that the big boobed, big haired, big idiots would find their way south at some point.

A select few of the ladies have accepted an invitation from Gretchen to visit her in San Antonio where she is on a road tour and pushing her exclusive Gretchen Beaute crap on public television.

Alexis is very excited to have a weekend pass from King Jim and she is allowed to go because it is a group of women he approves of and it is understood that there will be no dancing with boys.  She can’t wait to finally have a little “me” time because she doesn’t get a lot of that what with how busy she is with…uhm…working out…uhm, figuring out what Jesus would do and uhm…well the girls have two dance classes you know!  Anyhoo there’s never a bad reason to go shopping and spend money you don’t have and this time she needs cowboy boots, you know so she can blend with the locals when she’s in Texas.  What would have happened if she went to Holland, wooden shoes?

She shows up in the mall with her “assistant” Dylan (what does he assist with?) at Boots R Us and pouts that none of the hundreds of pairs of boots are sparkly enough or pink enough and none have the regulation cfm heel height of at least 6”.  What’s a girl to do? Alexis ponders.  Well, you may be surprised to know that despite her midwestern origins she is at the whole other end of the cow when it comes to understanding anything countrified.  Huh?  What does that mean Alexis?  Don’t worry, you are exactly the end of the cow I always thought you were.

What do you mean you don’t have Hello Kitty boots in my size?

Next we get a glimpse into Vicki Inc. and oh sh*t, it looks like she’s taken a shine to Walter and now he’s trapped.

Donn, where are you?  Walter needs you!  Does this look like a happy buddy to you?  Save Walter!

Save Walter!

Ewwww, Vicki is threatening spankings to anyone who doesn’t get their work done today and grossmeout that is wrong in so many ways.  She takes time out of her busy schedule to blether away on the phone with Tamra and get the inside scoop on her latest self-promoting antics.  This time Tamra is defending her life against the sinister Simon who threw a dog leash at her in frustration (from dealing with her) and then she had him arrested and he spent the night in jail while T works the cameras, the assault charge and a possible restraining order and did I mention the cameras?  More to come on this fiasco…

The porn rodeo rolls into town and G picks up Peggy, Alexis and Fernanda (why is she here?) at the airport in the Bunny Ranch limo and gets this ho-down started with a liquid lunch.  The topic of discussion over lunch (seemingly to assure either a loss of appetite or vomiting) is how does Gretchen ever begin to figure out if the complex Slade is the right man for her, does he have good character, what do the other ladies look for in their life mate?  Peggy says a man who has his own house (sans room mates) and owns his own business so he can play hooky whenever he wants to whisk her away for a dreamy weekend is the definition of character.  Alexis, naturally, has way more things than Peggy on her list and talks about the importance of shared views on child rearing (agreeing on the number of nannies I guess) and how a strong bladder was a deal breaker for her and Jimbo.  Apparently Jim has no patience for women who waste time going to the bathroom.

One of these things is not like the others

Gretchen kinda sniffs at the women’s advice and feels superior in her ability to recognize integrity and it has nothing to do with material things or how much money a man makes.  Newsflash Gretchen.  There is a flaw in your screening process.  You are living with a douchebag loser who not only doesn’t have a house (he mooches off you) or own his own business, he doesn’t have a job (again with the mooching), he’s not looking for a job and he’s abandoned his young child with the brain tumour (except for an occasional photo op) and withholds desperately needed child support (imagine the medical bills alone) and even his time (of which he has a lot since he doesn’t work).  If gossip and tabloids are to be believed G even routes random monies Slade manages to scrap up by having payments made to her so his dollars can’t automatically be deducted.  Maybe Alexis has something in her advice to find someone who shares the same moral code.  G and d-bag Slade may be a match made in reality heaven.

Back in the OC Tamra is getting ready for her close-up at the courthouse.  It is time to submit evidence against Simon and the leash is tagged as Exhibit A.

Exhibit A, the retractable leash of terror

Eddie drives Tamra to court and she cracks the window and leaves him in the car for three hours while she gathers the strength and courage to face a court and do what she can to protect herself and obtain a restraining order against Simon.  Big surprise that the court dismisses charges due to lack of evidence but still a payoff for Tamra as long as someone takes her picture and writes about it.

So tell me what to expect, where will the cameras be?

Back at the ho-down the ladies are tarted up and looking to be drunken spectacles.  It starts at a meat trough where much fun is had simulating eating and downing what Alexis squeals are tumbler sized shots of vodka.  Yee haw bitches Alexis is kicking up her heels.  Well, actually since she wasn’t able to find the cowgirl drag queen boots of her dreams she’s had to going pantless to offset her ugly boots.

I hope no one notices that my boots aren’t bedazzled

Alexis embraces her liquid courage and delights in dancing with Fernanda who may or may not be going to hell because she is a lesbian, and spouting off truths of her unrest in her disappointing marriage and oh yeah Peggy your lips are big.  Ha!  Peggy’s not amused by that at all.  She’s pretty sensitive for someone who likes to throw the odd jab or two.

My lips are natural and if you say any different I’ll cut you bitch

That double-date that Donn suggested is happening and Vicki and Donn arrive at a restaurant to meet up with Tamra and Eddie.  Vicki hates the moments she has to fill when she gets stuck alone with Donn so she rambles on about being honoured as a business woman or something by driving the zamboni at a hockey game between periods (illustrious honour for sure).  Tamra and Eddie arrive and Eddie quickly excuses himself to go to the bathroom because he has the trots from all the stress he’s feeling being in the vicinity of Tamra’s desperate attempts to be relevant on tabloid blogs.

Hehe, ‘scuse me, I have to go to the bathroom, hehe

Despite Eddie’s obvious discomfort with the constant talk of Tamra’s latest drama with her ex and a request to change the subject, Tamra grouses about how much she is going through and not only is Simon abusing her but vintage OC housewife Jeana is poking her nose in where it doesn’t belong and defending Simon and counselling Tamra to stfu and take it like the low-rent ho she is.   Tamra ends up meeting with Jeana the next day to cry crocodile tears and ultimately to tell her to back the f*ck up off her business.  Jeana laughs as she does at every insult or slight that is tossed her way.  I love how Tamra is outraged that Jeana doesn’t understand that “meddling in someone else’s business is not her business”…uhm, sorta like having a public opinion about Gretchen and her various foibles?

Tamra goes home to play delicate flower for Eddie who promises to be strong and manly and be there for her as she dabs her eyes and sniffles.  Aw, he almost had me but then he said “I’ll be right here for you” so many times and in such a timid soft voice that it became a bit nauseating.

Next week Vicki wonders what Jesus would do because God hates divorce but that’s where she is again…

What would Jesus do if he had to work and put up with Donn?

Thoughts on the ladies this week?  Do tell…