SexyPanda is unable to continue the season of Real Housewives of Orange County. Boooooooo!!! So until I find a replacement, you’re stuck with me suckas! We are currently in the middle of Auditiongasm. Round one has begun and we are going through all the submissions now to choose the people moving on to Round Two. If any of you wanna take a crack at it, send an email with the subject RHOC AUDITIONGASM to email@example.com. This ends the public service announcement. Thanks for listening.
Let’s start with Fethchen!
It’s bright and early. The camera crew has just arrived, which of course means Slade immediately takes off his clothes for a glass shower shot. It might seem shameless and needy of him, but I like to see the good in people and hope for a moment that he’s whoring himself out to this show again to pay his child support. With his ass. Not sure how yet, but this shot screams responsibility to me.
Slade tries to get Fetchen out of bed by talking to her like she’s a two year old, which is a bad sign for future attempts at getting any kind of alimony. No money from Slade for children.
But I’m tiiiiiiiired!
Fetch and Slade have been together for a year and a half, and if you’re sick of hearing how much Fetch loves her bone then TOO BAD! He’s helping her with her handbag and makeup collection and not getting compensated. Listening to Fetch try to pronounce words over three syllables is becoming one of my favorite hobbies. Slade as a business partner isn’t the worst idea in the world. He seems to have a talent for taking something all fake and plastic looking and turning it into cash flow.
He’s giving her shit about what she’s wearing to work, but she shoots him down immediately and reminds him that she’s the boss and he’s her bitch. She also complains about his breakfast cooking skills. Love it. Slade’s a notoriously controlling assclown, so I am loving watching Fetch slap him down. It’s gonna be a super busy day! She has to have her assistant fill all those orders that came in over the weekend! Guiding someone else on sending out your eBay packages? Sixty hour week. By the end of the season I predict Fetch will be working at Hot Dog on a Stick and Slade will come by every hour to take change out of her tip jar.
Shawna, Fetchen’s assistant, comes over to talk about eBay selling policies. Fetch tries to laugh off her behavior at Tamra’s party, but Shawna no laughy so Fetch tries a different tactic. “Sorry you had to be put in that position.” HAHAH. I love non apology apologies. Sorry you walked in front of my car while it was driving through a crosswalk, MORON.
Fetch tells Shawna that they were friends before Shawna came to work for her, and it’s important that they stay friends. And they will as long as Shawna sticks up for her and tells people off when they call her a princess. This again? Let it go! The rest of the country is calling you an old rich man blood sucker, which is way worse. Shawna stays calm and explains that she wasn’t about to tell Alexis Christits off because they’re friends and she didn’t wanna make future awkwardness. Shawna? Way too nice for this show. Fetch makes it very clear that when she goes into a drunken senseless tirade and makes an ass out of herself in front of the entire neighborhood, she expects her friendployees to have her back. They hug it out and break bread together.
Fernanda the lesbian trainer comes over to Tamra’s house. Tam is SingleBitch! now so she is all about flirting. She hands Fernie a big phallic buzzing thing, but it turns out it’s just a wine opener. Wacky SingleBitch! She’s being very sexy right now you guys. Turned on?
The faiL Word
Fernie says that of course Tamra flirts, but flirting is different when you’re gay. I don’t know what that means. Is that true? Cuz I’m gay and I’ve always thought my flirting was totally normal. If I like someone I google their address and watch them for a few weeks and then kidnap their pets and pretend to find them again to get a leg up on the competition. How do straight people do it?
SingleBitch turns the convo immediately to her most recent nonsensical fight. The old SingleBitch would have cut Fetchen with a broken beer bottle, but the new SingleBitch is all about happiness and a positive attitude. LOLie! I like that SingleBitch is starting a new season on top of a mountain, cuz watching her fall down it is gonna be fun. Fernie brings up SingleBitch’s new face. Oh no she didn’t! Wait. She meant the new boyfriend. Thank God. I’m not sure I’m ready to know the details about what SingleBitch has done to her actual face.
Staple guns are scary if in the wrong hands
SingleBitch is a good mom, so she only sees the child she’s dating when her real children are with their dad. Is the divorce a friendly one? Oh hell no! But that’s part of di…WAAAAHHHH!!! Oh no. She’s crying. Have you ever tried crying without being able to squint? It’s not pretty. If it ever happens to you, get a really thick plastic wine glass to put in front of your face and save the rest of us from having to look at it.
Fernie starts spouting off her positive mumbo jumbo, which I like because the people who spout the most positive bs are usually the biggest assholes. I have hope for you in Housewives land, my little flower. For now though, ANNOYING. She tells SingleBitch to be a happy biatcha and they’ll go on a date and it will make it all better. Oh lord. Turning into a lesbian will NOT make things better. Have you ever seen a lesbian couple fight?
It’s all fun and games til you’ve got a softball glove shoved up your cooter. Has anyone heard from Marcie lately? No. Point proven.
Vicki? Is BUSY you guys. She’s a working woman! Workworkwork all the time! Today she’s going to Seattle for a conference and traveling so much is saving her marriage. Don only calls her a dumb bitch a couple days a week now! He texts her dumb bitch while she’s away, but texts don’t count. AW romance. Don’s dog got old and died, so the family bought him the same exact dog in a younger model. He thinks it’s amazing, cuz he doesn’t realize yet that Vicki’s about to trade his ass in for a younger model, too. When he gets what’s coming to him, he’s really gonna hate that dog.
Vicki’s psyched to be away from her lame semi abusive husband and her c word friends. She gets sucked into the drama in the OC cuz she’s paid to and there are always cameras around, but in Seattle it’s just her and her work friends. With cameras around. Here’s to some Insurance Agent drama! Let’s see some office people start some shit. I hope someone gets called out on hoarding staples or some shit.
Now let’s check in with Alexis Christits. She’s meeting up with her friend Peggy, who looks like the OC version of Morticia Addams. Is she 35 or 70? She keeps popping out kids to suck stem cells out of their spines so it’s hard to tell. Stem cells don’t work on necks, though, so I’m going with 75.
We already know Peg’s an asshole, cuz she’s named her kids London and Capri. Can Fog and Sun be far behind? Without them these kids are just half brands. Christits tells us that she and Peg got preggers at the same time and became friends cuz they share the same values. Banging married dudes? Plastic surgery? Bible study? Time will tell. Christian values sure have changed. If the Bible was written today, Mary Magdalene would have had a spread in Playboy and Judas would have had a gossip blog. That’s it. I’m writing the new Bible.
The moms are taking their kids to the park for a picnic. Then they talk about their kids. Ugh. The only fun part is when London realizes she’s being raised by Skeletor and tries to jump off the picnic table.
London can talk really well, but Christits’ kids are fucktards. She brags about how nice and quiet they are in class. Talk about spinning. My kid may seem odd, but he’s the best counter in school.
Peg’s set up a meeting with an agent for London. For what? Baby wigs? Please! That bitch is bald! No one’s gonna represent her! Christits got her kid an agent, too, and they really thought the kid would be a star, but he got a coke habit and they had to take him out of the biz. Peg says “coke habit” is a nice way of saying “my child has no talent” and she’s not buying it. Then the moms push the kids on swings while trying to one up each other. My kid can count to thirty. My kid can count in Spanish! My kid can say firetruck! My kid can hold herself upside down from a pole! I got news for you: your children poop in their beds. LOSERS.
Vicki flew Brianna to Seattle too, because Bri got tested for thyroid cancer and the results were inconclusive. I have no idea how that turned into a trip to an Insurance conference, but I’m not a mom so maybe I just don’t get it. I’d probably choose a more appropriate vacay. Like, I don’t know, THE MAYO CLINIC. And is Vicki really testing her for cancer or is she coming up with a bizarre reason for Bri’s weight gain so we won’t make fun of her? I know that sounds heartless, but this is Vicki we’re talking about.
Anyway, Vicki’s being awarded for working so much, and her team seems to be really proud of her.
Watch yourself around stairs, Chipmunk Face.
As he announces her award, the announcer guy calls her “psychotically persistent.” She says that she took that as a compliment, but that’s not what her face is saying.
Can’t I even take a goddamn vacation without being called psycho?
Vick tells us how much her staff loves her.
She knows how to incorporate fun into her employees’ work schedule. Who wants to go to Red Lobster? Vick tells us that there’s a misconception that insurance people are boring. Shots of insurance people talking about insurance and making us want to poke our eardrums out. Briana is resting her possible thyroid cancer while Vick parties in the room. There is a misconception that insurance people are total dicks.
Honey, Rami from accounting is telling a Jew a Muslim and a Christian Walked Into a Bar Joke. Tell your possible cancer to WOOHOOOO!
Now let’s get to know Peggy. The shots of her house are pretty much what you’d expect. Top of the line Rent a Room. She tells us that she loves bling, guns, and stem cells. And like three packs of cigarettes a day. There’s a fine line between Demi Moore and Harvey Fierstein, woman. She and her midget husband are going to shoot things today, cuz survival skills are very important in the OC. I’m scared of this Peggy woman. She credits her rich husband for her survival. Then the editors tell us that he has a tiny wiener.
When Husband met Peg, he figured she was just another fake blonde with fake tits. Now she’s another married fake blonde with fake tits. More romance! Peg saw him and hit on him by sniffing him when she found out he had his own limo. This couple is fucking horrible. YAAAAY!!!! We might assume that Peggy is a stereotype who married an old dude for cash, but there is no man in town older than her and she didn’t marry her younger guy just for money, so take that, haters!
They stop at the gun store to buy themselves new toys. They’re having a fun carefree time, but I sense that they go into the woods at night and hunt for children. Their own can only take so many spinal taps.
Here kiddie kiddie
She says Husband is super manly with guns and giant cars, but he’s also into sewing and Versace. I would call him gay, but no gay guy would let his tranny out of the house in this:
SingleBitch! is out looking for houses with her partner Marco. He shows her boyfriend Eddie’s old house and she says she won’t move in there unless his ex-wife is dead. HA. Call Peggy. Tell her the ex wife has an untapped spine. The next house is more doable, and SingleBitch is ok with downsizing as long as she doesn’t have to work full time. She won’t ask for money from her ex, she’ll keep her dignity, thank you! Hey! Congrats on finding some dignity! I think I missed that episode. As she gets in the car, she’s sure she’ll get the place. “I always get what I want!” Says the divorced woman moving into a hovel. Being poor is hard for her, but it’s harder for me to watch. If I wanted to see poorness I’d turn around to watch Romana trying to get the gum I spit at her out of the carpet. SingleBitch! should be fired for poorness.
Vicki’s still in Seattle WOOing and telling one of her gay employees that men shouldn’t cross their legs. HAHAH. I love Vicki’s rules. Real men should call their wives dumb bitch a lot and not work ever. Brianna comes down from her possible sick bed and Vicki tries to hook her up with any guy that will take her. It’s hilarious. Brianna is annoyed and says that as long as the man has a pulse and job, he’s good enough for her mom. Well, you’ll understand when you hit 30. Your standards tend to go down. I’ve even let go of the job part. If you have a pulse and some form of regular government assistance coming in, I’m in. Bri’s not having it though, and Vicki trying to teach her how to perform marriage duties isn’t helping.
They go bowling and Vick is drunkified. She’s flirting with a semi hot guy, and Brianna’s getting pissed and says it’s freaking her out. The guy puts his beer on one of Vicki’s boobs to see if it will move, and Vick threatens to give him a spanking. HAHAH. She’s loving the attention, cuz it’s been a long time since Don “has been googling over me.” I googled over her and the first story was about dumping Don. Maybe that’s why he stopped Googling.
Fetch is at home working with Shawna. She needed an assistant for her projdeuct line. Or whatever that word was. This bitch is seriously stupid. She has Shawna do really important stuff like put drops in her ears.
SingleBitch ponders reasons Fetch would need an assistant. To hold Slade’s balls? Um, good one? Vicki wakes everyone up the next morning. Her assistant is in bed with the gay guy. I guess not crossing his legs turned him into a real man after all. Meanwhile, Briana’s brushing her teeth with her finger, which is why she won’t ever find a man.
Single Bitch! and Christits have a work out date. Christits shows up in ugg boots, a chanel workout bag, false eyelashes, and enough saline to wet the eyes of all the starving children in Africa. SingleBitch! is poor now, so she just shows up in sweats and the face Dr. Back Alley gave her. SingleBitch makes lots of sex jokes so we’ll buy that she’s still got it, and then it’s off to the bar. If you drink enough, you’ll throw up and you can skip the working out part. I should write a diet book. And a Bible. My week is filling up fast.
Christits wants to meet the teenager SingleBitch! is dating, but Tamra doesn’t want him in public til the divorce is final. The conversation turns to the Evil Eye party. SingleBitch has no idea why Fetchen was sooo meeeean! Christits says that yes, Fetch was rude but Tamra pushed her by wearing the evil eye hat. She’s totally right, and it grosses me out to say that. Thankfully, the scene is short.
Vicki’s Woohooing at an air show of some kind and then wooing at people on boats. Brianna doesn’t approve of taking drinks from strangers cuz drinks are always roofied. And she’s right! Vicki talked on Watch What Happens Live about getting roofied. Brianna should be so lucky. Bri wants to move away from her obnoxious mom. Not nice! She’s trying to tell people you have thyroid cancer! Other cities, people would just call you fat. Appreciate your mother, you ingrate!
Back at the bar, Christits says that her dream was to be Bev Cleaver. Who the fuck is that? And is she as hot as June? Having a job is important! But God said that He comes first, then the marriage, then the kids. Where’s the chapter in the Bible with instructions on starting a clothing line cuz you’re on a Bravo show? I’d like to think it came right between the don’t eat shellfish and the build a boat for every animal on the planet to bone on.
She insists that Jim is supportive of her getting out of the house more, but SingleBitch! and America thinks that’s bs. Christits says that SingleBitch’s divorce was super hard on her because they were all friends and Simon even went to church with Christits after the divorce! HAHAHAH! You guys, I am at a loss for words with this hypocrite. I’d like to think Jesus is up in Heaven watching this show and laughing super hard at her bs while doing lots of crunches.
Tamra says that Jim hates her, and Christits assures her that that’s not true! He just doesn’t like her behavior sometimes. Women are supposed to do everything the man says. That’s how God wants it! Jeeze. To listen to Christits you’d think God was sitting around in a wifebeater all day screaming “GET ME SOME WINGS, BITCH!” What kind of fucked up church does this woman go to?
SingleBitch! says that there are a lot of similarities between Simon and Christhusband. Christits gets offended at this and denies it. He’s kinda…controlling maybe? NO! Shots of him talking down to her because she’s showing her ass off in a short skirt and talking too loud. So he tells her what to do, who to talk to, and what to wear. How is that controlling? SingleBitch! tells us that she has a feeling this marriage is doomed to fail. Duh. Again, we’re ending an episode with SingleBitch! in the right. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Next week, we get to watch Morticia Peggy make out in a bathtub with her gay midget husband. Yay?
***UPDATE: Apparently, it’s not Morticia in that hot tub, it’s SingleBitch! They all look the same to me on this show. Thanks, Matt!