RHOC Recap: Lucky Seven Begins

Recaps

By Honey Gangsta | Friday, February 10, 2012 | 9:26 am | 50 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Real Housewives of Orange County, Recaps

Hello Beloved Readers!  I am thrilled and honored to take on the seventh season of the Real Housewives of Orange County!

How did another brunette make it onto the show?

I’m going to start off honestly with full disclosure:  I’ve never watched this show.  I’m a devoted RHONY viewer, but the closest I got to RHOC was recapping the epic failure Date My Ex, featuring Jo de la Rosa and Slade Smiley.  Luckily for everyone, Slade is still sponging desperately off of this franchise, so he’s still here to annoy me.  And luckily for me, Bravo saw fit to show marathons of seasons past all this last week, so I hung out on my couch and got to know the Orange County Housewives!  My opinions were formed quick and dirty, so they may not be the consensus, but here’s what:  I LOVE me some Tamra!  Yes, she’s shallow and built with fake parts, but girl cracks me up.  She has a sense of humor about all of this and I tend to side with her on all of the fights she gets into.  I also like Vicki, even though she’s the mayor of Compulsive Analville.  Gretchen is a nightmare.  She is a loud annoying steamroller with a long torso who is dating the world’s biggest joke of a man.  However, she does tend to make good points in reunion settings.   And Alexis is just plain ridiculous.  The funniest thing about her is that she is actually convinced that people are jealous.  LOL!

So there you have my preconceived notions.  Let’s head to Orange County!

Since the dawn of time Gretchen and Tamra have been at each other’s throats.  Mostly because various people kept calling Tamra to give her dirt on Gretchen and then Gretchen would be mad when Tamra would throw it in her face.  But something happened in last season’s finale when Tamra got a taste of someone getting into her beeswax – it was former Housewife Jeana, who gave the press all kinds of copy about Tamra and her horrible marriage.  It made Tamra feel really sad.  Then mad enough to scream at Jeana, personally serve her with a “cyst and decease” letter from her lawyer, then throw red wine in her face.  All at Vicki’s party, of course.  What would be the point otherwise?  Post blow-up, instead of offering Tamra her sympathies, Gretchen asked if Tamra liked how it felt to have people talking crap about her.  Tamra had an ah-ha moment.  I bet Oprah was proud.

This evening we join Gretchen curling and re-curling the same three locks of hair while she explains to her useless leech of a boyfriend – Slade Smiley – that she’s going to lunch.

“Does my hair look curled to you?”

He wants to come along because it’s not every day he can mooch lunch off of Gretchen in an actual restaurant, plus the cameras are here.  Gretchen shuts him down since today’s lunch is with Tamra, Slade’s mortal enemy because she knows the truth about his refusal to pay his ex-wife child support, and she isn’t afraid to say it to everyone.  Gretchen and Tamra have decided to make an attempt at being adults and being nice to each other.  Slade isn’t down.  He needs Gretchen on his side or his meal ticket is gone.  But Gretchen’s out the door with her enormous purse, saying, “Slade does not control me,” which is nearly the title of (Slade’s ex) Jo de la Rosa’s horrendous single, released while she was under the management of one Slade Smiley.  Coincidence?  You decide.

So at the end of last season Vicki decided there was way too much stress in her life so she cut way back on the time she spent selling insurance and concentrated on bettering her marriage. Kidding!  She kicked her husband to the curb and got that pesky marriage off of her plate.  More time to focus on insurance!  But a byproduct of getting rid of her husband is that fact that now she also has to get rid of the house she can no longer afford.  That’s big of her – most of the people on this show don’t seem to think that whether or not they can afford their houses is a relevant factor in owning them.  Someone’s coming to see the house so Vicki is all over her son Mike to help her get it in viewing order.

“Mike, the gold stripe has to face east. Mike. Mike!”

Vicki’s kids crack me up.  They seem to regard their mother as a harmless lunatic who is best tolerated with calmness and amused smiling.  Mike maintains composure while aligning stripes on bedspreads and plumping couch cushions.  During this charming montage of house-straightening, Vicki tells us she’s dating a guy named Brooks who she met at an insurance conference.  Insurance conference?  Their relationship must be one crazy adventure after another.  But he fits perfectly into her busy life – three thousand miles away.  PS:  Soon-to-be-ex-husband Donn is still living in the for-sale house.

Over to lunch with Tamra and Gretchen.  And here is another RHOC oddity:  actual eating when going to lunch is up for debate.  “Lunch” to these women often just means alcohol.  But today Tamra and Gretchen decide to be super naughty and have an appetizer with their booze.  The make-up conversation begins and Gretchen says that Tamra might really like her if she’ll just get to know her.

“I might even let you borrow my white eyeshadow.”

Based on my RHOC crash course, that’s a big negative.  But Tamra claims to already like Gretchen for being totally fun, it’s just that their relationship has been ruined by outside forces.  I guess that’s true if outside forces means themselves.  But they’re ready to forgive, forget and move on!  To prove it, Tamra brought Gretchen a bracelet made of pink beads with a key charm on it to lock away their past and unlock their future.  Awwwwww!

“So where’s your present for me?”

Tamra’s scared to tell Vicki about this new friendship and Gretchen is scared to tell Alexis.  Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy.  Side note:  Why does Gretchen wear stuff in her hair that is meant for toddlers?  Does Slade convince her to shop at Gymboree for accessories?

Speaking of Alexis, she seems to have gotten rid of her “pocket gay” assistant and hired Christina, whose pressing task at the moment is to fill sippy cups with the correct ratio of juice to water.

“Here. Take my pen and WRITE IT DOWN.”

Alexis is up super duper early so that she can drive to San Diego to appear in a two-minute segment of a local morning show – a weekly circumstance that has become career number two.  Number one is, of course, her fashion line of silk pillow cases with arm holes known as Alexis Couture.  Her plate is so totally full, people.  She also has her new house to run (old house foreclosed on), her kids to raise, and her husband’s alarm to set.  Something’s bound to slip through the cracks!  Even with Christina filling sippy cups!  Today it’s setting Jim’s alarm.  Alexis totally forgot to do it which will set off a chain reaction of household failures, resulting in the end of civilization as we know it.  Jim can’t only not set his own alarm, but he also can not answer his cell phone.  Or tell his wife the number to their house phone, so Jim will slumber on in blissful oblivion while Alexis goes to pieces in the car that Christina is chauffeuring.

We must be on a different day now because Tamra is showing up at Vicki’s office with lunch – and today that’s actually food, not just code for cocktails.  Vicki has to stay sober for the insurance that isn’t going to sell itself, you know.  Tamra is scandalized to learn that Donn is still living with Vicki because her ex-husband only shows up to throw things at her, then he’s out the door.  They talk about their respective boyfriends – both of whom are five years younger than the ladies – and Tamra wants to know if Vicki is having five-hour sex with Brooks yet, like she did with Eddie (her boyfriend of questionable sexuality – which could explain why something seemingly simple took him five hours).  Vicki won’t say.

“This is my work, Tamra. Don’t disrupt my serenity.”

Guess what.  Vicki must miss having obnoxious fighting on her property so she’s throwing another party!  And she wonders if she should invite Gretchen.  Tamra gulps. Her new secret bff might not stay secret for long!

Continuity is apparently a moot point here because it’s yet another day and Tamra is taking an opportunity to participate in her job as a real estate agent by showing a 5 million dollar empty lot to this season’s new Housewife, Heather.

“Only 5 million? That’s precious. Now where’s the real property?”

The lot overlooks the ocean, but Heather is annoyed that she can see rooftops on the horizon.  It’s really intrusive of other people to have the nerve to live in the same vicinity.  Plus there’s a shopping center way too close, which means even more people breathing Heather’s air.  Heather’s here because the first mansion she and her husband built does not include a suite for the surprise baby they accidentally had, so now they have to scrap the whole thing and start over.  Tamra wants to befriend Heather because her legitimately rich plastic surgeon husband will make Alexis insane with jealousy.  It’s fun to make new friends!

And back to whatever day Alexis was on, we’re now in San Diego to shoot Alexis in a serious news segment with a man named Dr. Booty.  Today they will be discussing the risk factors leading to colon cancer.  Hahaha, no they won’t!  It’s a much more important topic – which fruit is your butt shaped like?  The people of San Diego are dying to know!  This will involve spinning a wheel to land on a particular fruit-shaped butt, then turning to Dr. Booty to learn which exercises will benefit that fruit.  Clearly this is not a man who studied medicine.  Alexis explains her passion for this segment since her husband likes a little booty.  Whatever that means.  Alexis wanders off to refresh her lip gloss and the segment goes live, forcing her to rush back to her mark and deliver a ridiculously muddled spiel.  She’s so flustered she barely makes any sense.  This is following her lecture to us about the perils of live TV and the necessity of being poised and prepared.

“It’s Booty Awareness Day… again. And as such I’m Katie Couric. Bringing you this special… thing.”

Later Alexis informs us that she doesn’t have any journalistic training.  You don’t say!  But she can do anything she wants, ok?  Including fly to the moon.  Is crazy liberal America letting women do that now?

Let’s jump back to Tamra’s wonky timeline where she’s now having tea with Heather (yes, on yet another different day).  Tamra’s mostly here to pump Heather for information she can taunt Alexis with, so she starts asking about Heather’s husband.

“And how many Lamborghinis does your husband own? More than 4, I hope.”

Heather seems awful, like she thinks she’s way more sophisticated than all of this rabble, when actually it’s the rabble who are paying for her forthcoming new mansion.  New boobs, noses and faces aren’t free, you know.  I doubt Heather’s husband is running some sort of Doctors Without Borders plastic surgery clinic.  Where would Heather be without the serfs?  Tamra invites Heather to Vicki’s party to meet all the girls and Heather wants to know which peasants will be in attendance.  Tamra lists them off, telling Heather she’ll have to decide for herself what she thinks of Alexis.  I’m totally with Tamra on this shoving of Heather into Alexis’s face.  She’s right when she says that Heather is everything Alexis WISHES she was.  And I’m sure the same goes for Heather’s husband.

We get a brief little scene of Alexis making dinner for her kids.  Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.  And that’s all I have to say about that.

“Hurry kids. Being this close to carbohydrates is bad for mommy.”

Ah, here we are at Gretchen’s house, where Alexis is arriving to head over to Vicki’s party as a team.  She brings Gretchen a gift of an Alexis Couture dress, so Gretchen thanks her with some Gretchen Christine Beaute lip gloss.  Just kidding, she doesn’t.

“Wow, that’s great. I’m not giving you any free product.”

They talk about the party and Alexis is nervous to see Peggy since her goal in life last season was to one-up Peggy and then she found out her husband used to DATE Peggy.  I mean, where do you go from there?  Alexis got owned.

And speaking of Pegs, she’s arriving in Tamra’s time warp, which has now landed on the same evening as the other girls getting ready for Vicki’s party.  They discuss Alexis and the fact that she’s out of her mind, then Tamra wants details about Peggy dating Jim.  Apparently Jim has always tried to date young hotties and he made the rounds around Newport Beach.  Fascinating.  Tamra doesn’t get the appeal.  Cash, Tamra.  Or pretending to have cash while actually being foreclosed on.  Fake boobs tend to fall for that.  So Tamra and Peggy head outside where Heather is waiting in a limo.  Party time!  They talk crap about Alexis all the way there and Alexis and Gretchen talk crap about Tamra in THEIR limo all the way there.

“You’ll decide for yourself whether you like that evil whore or not.”

Vicki has chosen a cajun theme for her party in honor of her new southern boyfriend – who is nowhere around.  Vicki tells us she’s hoping for a peaceful night with no drama.  You know what that means!  Big drama ahead!  Super dramatic music plays as all of the women file into Vicki’s backyard.

“Uh oh. The new girl has a better nose than mine. I wonder who her doctor is…”

And we’re out!  Cliffhanger!

This season we can expect to see:  Gretchen still trying to make her music career happen, Slade trying his hand at stand-up comedy (seriously?), Alexis getting a nose job to try to keep Jim interested, Eddie getting mad at Tamra, Brianna getting mad at Vicki, Heather acting superior, and lots and lots of fighting.

So what does everyone think?  Excited for the new season?  Any favorites?  What do we think of Heather?

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Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Late one afternoon in 2005, Honey Gangsta received an invite to join a two person blog set up by her former roommate who had recently ditched LA (California knows how to party) for the bright lights of NYC (these streets will make you feel brand new, the lights will inspire you). The purpose of the blog was to continue their nightly ritual of ripping on reality TV, which could no longer be done in person. Since Honey Gangsta was still watching 18 hours of TV a day and had nothing else to do, she agreed. 10,000 hits later, HG was inspired to submit a Bachelor recap to TVgasm - no one was reporting on Officer Mayo and his time traveling DeLorean - and the rest is history. It's been said that she writes what you're thinking. It's been said she is a genius - a Blogger Laureate of her time. It's also been said that the earth is flat and no one landed on the moon, so you just never know. With her keen observations, and colorful commentary, Honey Gangsta is beloved the world over.

50 Comments

  1. 1
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Ask and you shall receive. Thanks!

  2. 2
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Have not read the recap yet, but I love your work, Honey, so I know it will be awesome. Needed to say right at the get go how annoyingly fake the intro of the new gal was. She just “happened” to want to buy land from Tamra so she could give her financial qualifications and she just “happens” not to know who anyone else in the cast is so she has to have a powwow with Tamra to ask? We already know you are on the show (hence the cameras following you around everywhere), so we know you know the deal-io.

    I wish Bravo would quit treating us like the rest of America is as dumb as Alexis.

  3. 3
    whoochile
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 10:45 am

    I love me some honey gangsta!!

    I f’ing hate those cunts (yes, i said it, CUNTS) Tamra, but mostly Vickie. Tamra certainly stepped up from her specialty of short sale real estate. I actually could stand her from this first ep, Vickie is still a truffle hunter faced slut pig. CUNT!!! I can’t stand her… mean, mean, mean girl. Yuck.
    I would party with Gretchen any day, yes, slade is an idiot, but Gretchy seems fun. Vickie and Tamra were so jealous of Gretch, yet again, mostly that bitch CUNT Vickie.
    I know people hate Alexisis and her whole pawn preacher stupidity, and I admit she’s not the sharpest, but I’d take her fake religion over Vickies fake holier than thou fake religion any day.
    Call me crazy, but COCK!
    Also, Heather is a robot.
    and…I’m out

  4. 4
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Was actually waiting for the first one to drop “Truffle hunter”, LOL!

  5. 5
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 11:13 am

    “Truffle Hunter” is still the most appropriate nickname since “Flounder.” The premier was, what, 2 minutes in, and already they show Truffle Hunter working herself into a full on vibrating hizzay over pillow placement. Somebody that loves her needs to put that bitch down. They’d euthanize a horse that nervous (or a truffle-hunting pig). It’s just cruel to let her go on the way she is.

  6. 6
    2muchbravo
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 11:21 am

    So, did Peggy kind of confirm Pawn Preacher has a big COCK by her startled silence? Ewwwwww!

  7. 7
    Jason
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Mitt Romney should choose Alexis as his running mate. Running for Prez may be against Jimbo-Preach-hog’s religion, but not running as Veep.

    Oh, and no way is Vikki’s Donn-look-alike Southern-fried corndog only 44 yrs old. He looks more like 58. Sorry, Vicks, your face is so fried, you think that anyone with fewer lines is younger than you.

  8. 8
    sheesh
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 11:41 am

    These hos are looking wore out this season.
    I wondered how far back the camera was for Vick’s THs. Woof!
    I cannot wait for Slade’s comedy triumph…
    Gretchen looks a pageant whore.
    Tamara chose her ass over her face.
    I thought Jimbo’s “toys” were drugs because you would have to be high as a motherfucker to lay up under that.
    Alexis, Alexis, Alexis…why are you working? Isn’t women working outside of the home what’s wrong with this country? Bev Clever is shaking her head right now.
    Heather. She has a permasmug.
    Dr Booty. Hey captcha approves! It’s BNS3!!

  9. 9
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Does anyone else feel like they never stopped filming last season and just went straight through to this one? Just caked on more make up and said, let’s do this! I felt like this episode was so weird. Few thoughts:

    *Peggy wore that dress last season to a soiree, just can’t find which one.

    *Gretch has, as Howard Stern would put it, hit the wall. It’s over sister. Truffle Hunter’s face looks better than yours. Hi-def sucks for you.

    *I am going to love to hate Heather, mostly b/c any girl I ever met named Heather was a betch.

    *I am going to get cricified for this but, I feel bad for Alexis. Not b/c she is who she is but, b/c she can’t help how stupid she is and she REALLY looks like a moron. She’s pretty enough to do better than JimCock Hero but clearly her brain can’t spare a square. It’s embarassing, I cringe when she’s on.

    *Does anyone know why Vicki is a literal mouth breather? Is it a health issue?

    *Lastly no one is believing this perpetual 40 year old status ladies. You’ve crossed over, own it.

    Awesome recap for not having watched HG, it was just the right amount!

  10. 10
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Yeah Honey Gangster!! So glad you are back!!!

    @whoochile, please, tell me how you really feel! :) I laughed so hard at your comments I just about peed myself!

    I knew there was a reason why I never watched Fox 5 in the morning when I lived in San Diego! I effing loved the looks that the morning show anchors gave eachother after that segment! I hope that her major fluckup was early in the show, like oh I don’t know, when it first started…What a moron! And really, how do you not know your own phone number?!? Ok, technically we don’t have a home phone number, but still, don’t you program that shit into your phone?!

    Gretchen, there is something about here that seems off…She was on WWHL with Traylor the other night…Gretch claims that she didn’t have anything done to her face….but I call bullshit!

  11. 11
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 11:54 am

    @Gypsy–I think the dress Pegster is wearing is either the same dress from the Alexis Couture Fashion Show or the end of season party at Vickie’s.

    Oh, and does Vick’s face look tighter this year?! I dont’ remember her dimples being so pronouced. Then again I watch this shit in HD, that must be my problem!

  12. 12
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    @Alison Zimmerman yes! I was thinking the end of the year party but I wasn’t sure.

    Nah it’s Vicki. I said on the RHOBH thread they all seem to get the “Michael Jackson” lighting in their confessionals.

    Note to Bravo: it’s might be time to retire the jerseys to the rafters cause, these women are looking ROUGH.

  13. 13
    labowner
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Great recap Honey.

    Gypsy – Heather could have been in the movie Heathers – great movie by the way. She is creepy like that. How many liters of injections has that face received?

    Alison – Vicki had work done

    Gotta love Alexis, stuck on stupid.

  14. 14
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    and ooops @HoneyGangsta!! spelled it wrong, but I am glad you are recapping this bitchfest!

    @Gypsy, you would think that with all the “money” that Pegster has, she would have more clothes? But then again I have a black maxi dress that I got at old navy, and I was in that thing a lot last summer! Guess if you find something that is super comfortable-huh, that is spelled right!!-Sorry, I know all about the spelling and grammar police around these parts! you would want to wear it all the time….I think it is the print that makes it look awful!

    IDK but, I heard somewhere that Pegster dropped out during the season..To bad because I loved the way Alexis would squirm when Peg was around!!

  15. 15
    mere2142
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    I’m glad someone mentioned the intro of Heather. It was so stupid – we all know she’s the new cast member – why the ridiculous set up? I really feel like Bravo is taking the MTV route and totally insulting their audience when they do shit like this.

    Glad to see you recapping HG!

  16. 16
    2muchbravo
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    I think Alexis said she got up “extra early”….like 7:30 to go to San Diego. I don’t know what time that show is on, but I’m highly sceptical that she got up at 7:30, made herself that beautifical, and rode from Newport Beach to SD in time to make a morning chat show. Unless the show was on at 10 am or something. Those CA highways suck shit!

  17. 17
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Woman puh-leez! I am the Queen of typos on this site. No need to apologize, prefeace or otherwise acknowledge them to me atleast. :-)

    I hear you, I am a heavy rotation wardrobe wearer myself. Especially in the shoes and jeans department but that dress was so dreadful the first time around I couldn’t bear to see it again. Maybe that’s why I feel like it’s one continuous season…they’re still in last season’s clothes.

    Except Gretchen who is wearing the Gem & The Hollograms/Syngery by Gretchen Christine Beaute line.

    Heather is a “Heather”! I can’t wait to see how she works out.

    What was that “fur” vest Vicki had on? Racoon? Rachel Zoe would come undone if she saw that *gasp*.

    Wow, I had no idea I hated their clothes so much this season until RIGHT NOW!

  18. 18
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    @2muchbravo-I thought the alarm clock said it was earlier, but those morning shows start early at like 5am. I know the morning news shows here at home start at 4:30 and go until 10am. The person that is doing a segmant like that is usually on every half hour or so for a couple minutes at a time…The fox news station that I watch here in the Seattle area, is kind of like that. If the news anchor flubs during one segment she will giggle at herself and then move along to the next one she does. But this person also does anchor the news from time to time, and is a field reporter also, not some ditz from the OC that is pretty much 98% fake as hell. You are so right about the highways in CA. Suck shit they do!! Even the look on her boobalicious producer was like WTF! I can’t believe that she went from trying to sell over priced dresses to a “health and fitness corrospondant” probably more like, hey your ratings are in the shitter, and if you let us film a few “segments” we will put them in some shows and get Fox 5 in the morning some airtime, you just have to put up with this bimbo for a few hours!! Also, did anyone notice that Alexis went in with some other Clothes, but she never changed? IDK, she irritates me!

  19. 19
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    @gypsy-Gem and the Hollograms LOL! I used to watch that when I was in the 3rd grade…then again Gretchen and I are about the same age…I just turned 32, and can still pass for 21…she is in her 30s and can pass for what 45?!

  20. 20
    whoochile
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    That CUNT Vickie is an F’ing mouth breather because she’s a slut pig that’s why!!!!!

    Actually she reminds me of a child actor that was on either Y&R or Bold and the Beautiful(forever ago), can’t remember who he was the son of (BITCH). Anyway, that kid’s upper lips were so far from his lower lips i’m sure they had to spritz his mouth every now and again or he’s dehydrate.

  21. 21
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    @ I’m not much older than you and I get knocked for looking too “young” for my profession. Good for us!

    Ya damn right 45! I think Tamra has taken back the “hottest” title relatively speaking that is.

    And I agree, driving on the 5 can be dicey any time of day, no way she got up at 7:30am for a morning show. Silly Producers, stoopit Alexis. And what was that Club MTV number she had on? SBJ!

  22. 22
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Holy shit Whoocile, both guns blazing today, flove it!

  23. 23
    whoochile
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    did I mention that I really can’t stand Vickie? I’d rather watch Ginger eat JillZarin’s nose crusties than she Vickie karate chopping pillows.

    CUNTCOCKSLUTPIG

  24. 24
    whoochile
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    *than watch

  25. 25
    2muchbravo
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    @AlisonZ Could’ve been 5:30. Dunno, I wasn’t paying a whole lot of attn (sweeping floor, wrapping presents). Yeah, our AM shows start early too. But, my ass isn’t usually up watching them!
    I think Vicki is a vile shrew. Wasn’t she going back and forth meeting Brooks before she even filed for divorce from Donn? Her whole religion thing is total BS. I’d laugh my friggin’ ass of if Tamra and Gretchy banded together and went after someone. And, I hear that Vicki gets her panties in a bunch over something Breanna does this season. Heh! It’s not a ‘nugget’ tattoo!

  26. 26
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    I’m glad someone is using slut pig. Thanks whoochile.

  27. 27
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Didn’t Breanna elope? Hope that was during taping!!!

  28. 28
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    This thread is too fucking funny. I am hearing Hiiii-ya! (whack that pillow mouth breather!) in my head and laughing like a mental patient at my desk. Good thing it’s almost quitting time.

  29. 29
    whoochile
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    don’t forget my 2 all time favorites….Goat Rodeo and here go hell come

    LABIA

  30. 30
    fancyface
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    About the whole introducing Heather via fake Real Estate shopping..it is the tried and not so true way Bravo has introduced new cast members to this show before. Remember how Jeana ‘met’ Gretchen while she was ‘house shopping’ with Jeff in her 1st season? And how Tammy was moving into one of Jeana’s rentals due to her house flooding in her 1st show? So. Ridiculously. Stupid! And no Bravo, we ain’t buying it!

    Holy crap Gretchen looks like shit! I couldn’t stand her from day one because I saw her for the fake that she is, but at least she was actually a pretty girl when she first started. I don’t know what she’s done to her face but she needs to back off and stop sticking shit in it & get a few derma peels or sand paper that hideous skin of hers!

    And FFS Alexis is a damn idiot!! “Who doesn’t want to be like Katie Cure-it” Nobody knows who that is, dumbass! Now, Katie COURIC? Rocks! And your cheap ass dresses? Not couture or cute! And your flabby ass husband? NO ONE IS OBSESSED WITH OR WOULD STALK THAT SWEATY PIG! What a flaming idiot! Ugh! As Peggy said: “Poor girl can barely form a sentence.” lol..Gosh I hate that she quit. I could watch her make that bitch squirm all season!

  31. 31
    annie anniedawg25
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    Because I am lazy as shit, Im just gonna copy/paste my response from BSide blog. The Bitches are Baaaaaaaack!!! I love me some haggard, OG OC Housewives

    I don’t know why, but Tamara really reminds me of a blonder, less goth Elvira Mistress of the Dark. Something about her face, hmmm.

    As for Gretchen something looks different, her upper lip sticks out a bit. I think she got some crazy new chompers that don’t quite fit her mouth. And I couldnt help but notice the entire bookcase of hair-care products by Slade in the bathroom. eek!

    Heather looks like Audrina (from The Hills) in about 20 yrs.

    Dr. Booty…sounds like a pervert who posted a Craigslist ad and someone mistakingly took him seriously. Good job, Fox 5 San Diego! That segment looked like an outdoor amateur porn shoot.

    Picturing Jim’s “toys” and minature peen…..gross. gross, gross, gross.

    Where was Donn during Vicki’s cajun party? I imagine he was locked away like Quasimoto, watching the festivities while chugging Corona and picking through a food tray Vicki slipped under the door. Poor Donn :(

    Oh these bitches are my favorite of all the Real Housewive shows….let the craziness begin!!!

  32. 32
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Peggy is off the show which is sad, but I’m hoping Heather fills the gap for making Alexis sputter and reveal the chasm between her ears on a regular basis. Apparently Peggy posted that she quit but also had tweets and FB posts talking about rejection and asking people to petition Bravo to keep her so I think she hit the snore factor and was ejected.

    I love how Heather is set up to look uber rich. I’m hoping its all BS. Very convenient that the $4-5M lot would need to be doubled to be acceptable etc etc but in the end she doesn’t buy a thing. Also IMDB reveals a rather anemic acting career but she looks familiar to me… almost like she looks like an actually famous actress maybe?

    God Gretchen. In olden times, the makeup worn by stage and silent film actors was heavy and caked and damaged people’s skin until Max Factor invented a lightweight but concealing makeup that was cream based and ushered in modern makeup. I am guessing Gretchen Bootay is made from fresh Encino mud based on how it is thickening, aging and weighing down her skin to premature jowlishness.

  33. 33
    maryedith
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    Agree with everyone about the heavy Gretchen makeup but what I really wish they would all retire is the damn mermaid locks. The split ends get longer every season. On Tamra it’s especially pathetic. Isn’t there another look besides haggard sea nymph for these poor ladies?

  34. 34
    maryedith
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    And neither Tamra nor Gretchen has changed her spots. They’ve just made a pact to betray all the bitches who stood in their corners during their ridiculous feud and keep the cameras trained on their “secret friendship.”

  35. 35
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Was Heather the girl on the Doritos commercial playing tennis?

  36. 36
    sheesh
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Oh GAWD! The Tamra and Gretchen’s “secret” friendship. How fucking old are you two!

    When Vicki finds out that Tamra is cheating…

  37. 37
    HousewivesFan
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    i miss the original Housewives. Jo. Lauri, Jeana Tammy Kniclebocker.
    Gretchen has aged due to her stage make up, Yikes! im cutting back.
    she looks 33 how old is she? anywho Tammy seems happier, must be due to her new beau. Good for her! Did we have to watch Alexsis be so awkward? Vicky is the only one that bugs me. She’s SO OLD and all she does is INSURANCE insurance, INSURANCE! get RID of her.
    Heather is pulling a Dana and overglorifying her money she doesn’t have. And they say she’s “real-money” oh please.
    she’ll be interesting enough to watch though.. and Peggy would make a good “friend” of the housewife show, where they film with her at events and parties but not her home life.

  38. 38
    someguy
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    H&G please do not get me to watch this show.Your recaps are driving me back please no.How does Alexis not rate a jet down (Lear and appove) to SD for her show.She is the one all those tens of people are tuning in to see. If the show won’t buy her one and Jim won’t hard times have hit us all very sad time. I for one will pray for her she is a natural. Watch your ass Julie Chen

  39. 39
    maryedith
    Posted February 11, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    “she is a natural” — someguy, you slay me! That is so awesomely not true in so many ways.

  40. 40
    hot cawfee
    Posted February 12, 2012 at 5:11 am

    HoneyG– you got it !!!!! Slade is ridic—omgl- someone please tell him he is not a Housewife!!!
    And Tamra– girl hasn’t changed a particle since she came on the scene– she is awesome!!!!
    Vicki– ssigghhhhh– but I gotta like a gal who is a self-made millionaire.
    Alexis holster that Jesus stuff please– self-serving twaddle I call it. Will this be the year we see Jim doing the perp-walk? I know he is shady.
    back to reading

  41. 41
    hot cawfee
    Posted February 12, 2012 at 5:22 am

    Gretchen– yikes—gal needs to moisturize!!!! Maybe darker hair would make her look younger ?
    This s/be a great season— I love this franchise of Housewives–then again I LOVED the DC wives–yes-I said it.

  42. 42
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 12, 2012 at 6:52 am

    Just before my head exploded (and fortunately I have a teensy brain so Hubbycat didn’t have much to clean up) I tried to keep up with the casts of all the Housewives franchises. I put all the pics on faves so that I could be reminded who was who– and then gave up. They all look and sound and act and fight alike. Now I just read the recaps and laugh. Yours is fabulous! Right up there with the other martyrs to Housewivery. Thank you! Luv, SSC

  43. 43
    tvsnarkeling
    Posted February 12, 2012 at 8:27 am

    Tammy K was not an original HW. There was a Kimberly. She was only on one season. She loved her husband and was a great mom. The family moved because she said she feared of skin cancer for her kids which she had a scare. I liked her but don’t know how long she would have lasted with all the kitty fights.

    Tamara is plotting against Alexis. She befriends Gret just to isolate Alexis and nuetralize her soilders. It is a great plan and I thinks T sees G can be great fun. I am looking forward to see how this develops.

    HG, thanks for capping this season of RHof OC.

  44. 44
    maryedith
    Posted February 12, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Tamra is just a snake. A trailor trash snake. She has no loyalties to anyone or anything except camera time.

  45. 45
    LAC LAC
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Honey G! Good luck with recapping this show. The Ole Cunts…oops…Orange County gals are a handful and I am looking forward to your recaps as this season progresses!

    Vicki the queen of Truffle hunters is back, I see. Ok, again, camera needs to back away a good 10 feet from her. Counting weird bumps on her face is not a good way to spend an evening. And what wild boar did she kill, skin, and wear at her party? That was hideous.

    Alexis…I would say that she continues to be as dumb as a doornail but I am convinced that a doornail would graduate quicker than she would, with honors. I take it that King Jim’s appearances will be limited this season, so we can get the full affect of her stupidity. The shot of the Fox News anchors faces after her “Dr. Booty” segment was priceless.

    Does Gretchen just plunge her face into a bowl of foundation? Makeup removal must take hours with her. And her teeth were kinda weird. So now her and Tamra are secret bff’s? Well, that will be fun to watch Vicki do that twitchy face when she finds out. And what is the dillyo with that skank that came to the party with her?

    Tamra..ugh… still a granite head with split ends. Well, the shit stirring she is doing with Alexis will be fun and maybe I will start liking her little.

    Heather..a little too early to tell. But it will be an adjustment to have a brunette on the show who is not slurring their words.

  46. 46
    labowner
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 9:40 am

    @ 4 Hot Cawfee – Vicki either blew through all of her money or never had that much if she needs Don to help with the mortgage payments.

    Hopefully this subject will come up during the season or at least at the reunion.

  47. 47
    LAC LAC
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 9:43 am

    labowner – so true. Listening to Vicki rationalize the shit that she looked down her snout on with the other Ho wives will be fun this season.

  48. 48
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 10:00 am

    CAUSE VICKI WORKED DAMMIT! She can’t understand all of this sleeping till 9am and lunching at 2pm. She has INSURANCE TO SELL! WHOOO HOOO!

    Maybe she’ll be the one eating some crow.

  49. 49
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 10:04 am

    That Dr. Booty horsepucky smacked of the same “created especially for a Bravo celebtard” unbelievability as NeNe’s entertainment reporter job and Alex’s whole modeling career.

  50. 50
    Wilma Fengherdu
    Posted February 13, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    @ sheesh: “I thought Jimbo’s “toys” were drugs because you would have to be high as a motherfucker to lay up under that” – CAN I GETTA AMEN! He is beyond visually nasty, and then he opens his mouth…ewwwwwwwww. Not enough money in the world.

    I know this is TV and all, and Bravo to boot, but is this mannequin/cyborg with rooted plastic hair the norm in the O.C.? Cause I’d probably get drunk and walk up to some bimbo and just fuckupaweave…

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