RHOC Recap: More Wine & Whining

Yuck, what a way to start an episode.  A screen shot of Tamra with her creepy pedophile-ish oldest son Ryan greasing things up in the background.  Why is he in her intro?  I know Simon won’t allow his kids to be taped since he’s no longer getting airtime but couldn’t she get a dog or something to fill the spot or how about Eddie?  I hope it’s not a signal that creepy Ryan is going to show up at some point this season.

A slightly less creepy visual than Ryan

Anyway, Tamra is meeting up with Lynn (?) which is kinda random but I guess the ‘kiss’ story needs to be pushed along from somewhere and Lynn is so stoned/pilled-out gullible she just shows up where she’s told to and believes anything (and if she gets paid all the better!).  Today she wants to know about Tamra and Fernando’s smooching and when did Tamra realize she is a lesbian.   I love how Lynn refers to Fernanda as Fernando.  Tamra assures Lynn that it was simply a case of her being fall-down drunk in the middle of the afternoon one day at the neighbourhood bar and making out with the first tongue she came across.  No big deal, just another Wednesday.  Besides, there wasn’t any nipple tweaking so how could it be interpreted as anything else than a friendly hello?  Lynn’s still confused but has the clarity to feel relieved that she wasn’t the one who wandered into the bathroom that day instead of Fernando.

Alexis has invited Peggy over because she’s not finished telling her how disappointed she is that Peggy didn’t “have her back” (the all important having of the back) on the night of the dinner party.  Alexis wants her to know that it was very difficult to attend the party without her husband and she didn’t appreciate that Peggy didn’t ignore all of her guests and stop the party to focus everyone’s attention on Alexis who was having a hard time.  I mean Alexis had to stop the party herself and make that announcement and what kind of a hostess lets their guests work that hard.

Peggy likes to spar with Alexis so she calls her out for lying and saying that Jim was working and that’s why he couldn’t come to the party, and everybody knows Jim ain’t got no job ho so don’t be calling me stupid and make a better effort and come up with something believable if you’re gonna lie.

C’mon Alexis, like anyone believes that Jim has a job

Alexis likes to have a go with Peggy too and points out that if Peggy expects Jimbo’s attendance she can’t invite other people to her party that he doesn’t like.  Wait, is that a mutual option?  Do the others get the choice of having to be within ten yards of King Jim?  Anyway, God forgives Alexis because that’s what God does (according to her…and King Jim I’m sure).

And believe it or not this argument actually gets stupider from there.  It shifts to some ridiculous one-upmanship around whose husband has more Lamborghini’s.  Let that be a lesson to the ladies.  Buy the Tahoe ‘cause a Lamborghini doesn’t have a lot of space when you’re living in your car after your house is foreclosed on (Peggy being the latest housewife to be going through a ‘loan modification’).

Next up is a painful scene with Vicki and Donn in the calienta kitchen…but nothing but cold shoulder being served here (thank you I’m here all week, please tip your waitress).  She’s pissed that Donn drank too much at Peggy’s party and had the liquid courage to tell her to go fu*k herself.  Donn takes it like a man, a man with a hangover who doesn’t want to engage and make it worse.  Vicki starts to drone on about the state of bliss and fulfillment Tamra found through her divorce and good on Donn for accepting her passive aggressive challenge and passively smashing one back across the net by suggesting they double date with the quixotic Tamra and Eddie.

You stay on your side of the kitchen and I’ll stay on mine

Vicki ignores him completely and accentuates her martyr act with noisy sighs.  Poor Donn.  He’d be happy to keep things status quo, he’s a man who’s beat down and he’s become conditioned to being unhappy.  Stockholm syndrome after sixteen years under the Vicki regime

Quick cut to douchebag Slade (who is really Gretchen’s assistant) and he is packing up a couple of garbage bags to haul some G Beaute product to Texas so it can be hocked on a cable public broadcast channel or something.  He calls in to the boss to let her know his great idea to ask her friends to load her crap in their luggage so G won’t incur any extra shipping fees.  G tells Slade no one asked him to attempt thinking and he’s only paid to carry her stuff.  And stay out of the fridge Tubby because there will be a weigh-in when she gets home.

Vito has the right attitude, he’s over it.

It’s a liquid lunch for Vicki and Peggy (and a day like any other for Tamra) with a vineyard tour for the ladies.  They all pile in a limo (at least they don’t attempt to drive…well, not on camera anyway) and Peggy doe her best to bow and scrape to Vicki.  I’m not sure why she wants to win over Vicki so badly but it all works out because Vicki is high maintenance and needs constant attention and reassurance.  Things start off well enough with wine-o-plenty and Vicki proclaiming that Peggy is the best new housewife yet (present company excluded right Tamra b/c while you are certainly old you’re not an original RHOC).  More wine, more whining, Alexis is a bitch who’s married to a Neanderthal, she ruined my party, she wants to roll around in Peggy’s sheets…and since that comment came from Tamra I wouldn’t advise taking any trips alone to the bathroom with her.

I’m drunk.  Do you think I’m sexy?

Peggy wants to know everything about Vicki and why she and Donn didn’t have any ‘beans’ (aka children) of their own and how wonderful that Vicki has been married to such a funny guy for so many years.  A drunken Vicki doesn’t appreciate the buzzkill of Donn conversation so she manically recites that she’s perfect, everything’s perfect…shouldn’t she be at work?

My love tank is empty and the tires are flat.  (what’s with the car metaphors?)

And just when you think things couldn’t get any tackier (so far Tamra has praised riding the baloney pony and let a screeching woo-hoo announce their entrance to what had previously been an elegant looking winery) Vicki expresses her horror at Tamra’s flirting with the Mexican sommelier (actually he’s Puerto Rican but all Vicki knows is that he is ‘dark’).  *insert blank stare here*  I have no words.

No one is more stunned than Tamra that someone else has less class than she does

Slade’s mom has come for a visit.  Is this the same woman who Slade says was his mother when she came to visit in season 1?  She looks a lot different to me.  I wouldn’t put it past douchebag Slade to have pulled another mother from central casting.  I think he’s orchestrating this whole story, just a guy who used to have it all and lost it and now he’s rebuilding his life and here comes mom to give him a good old-fashioned kick in the pants.

Is this even the same woman?  I thought people shrunk as they got older.

Meh, whatever.  I like this mom whoever she is.  I like anyone who sends G to fetch her more wine and asks dbag point blank what the heck his job is and tells him that he needs to get off his ass and go to work and quit sponging off his airhead girlfriend (and btw it’s no wonder her parents don’t like you).  Yeah mom, please come again soon!

Tamra meets up with Fernando for more wine and to break-up with her.  A drunken kiss is just a drunken kiss and it happened a year ago so STFU and get over it and over me and find your storyline somewhere else.  Not much else to say about this, Fernanda is boring and as hard as she tries she can’t get a decent plot going so she should prepare to be another discarded housewife who occasionally appears as filler (Lynn, Tammy, Kimberley, Quinn, etc.)

It’s photoshoot day for the Alexis Couture line, the most important part of her entire ‘baby’ (as she refers to her line).  It’s the most important in her mind because it’s the only thing that really involves her and the only thing she can understand.  Her gay Dylan is there (supposedly her assistant) and she’s pissed that he can’t cater to her every whim all day long because he has to get to class in the afternoon.  She tries to coax him to skip class and tells him that she is providing an internship (yeah, right) and that she is giving him all the education he’ll need…yeah, if he’s going into psych.!

This Extravaganza is taking place at the St. Regis Hotel because Alexis says it’s classy and that’s what her dresses are.

Nothing says classy more than a scrap of fabric that barely covers your musn’t touch it

Poor put upon Tai (towel? what’s the designer’s name?) is there probably to make sure Alexis doesn’t take the scissors to any more of her work.  Alexis is a hot mess.  Trout lips, ass out, smize…nuthin works.  Thankfully King Jim shows up to execute his vision and like the porn kingpin he wishes he was he instructs Alexis to stick her butt out more and squeeze her jugs together.  Class all the way.  Some genius has thought of running a smoke machine INSIDE to create a sexy smoggy (?) atmosphere and they end up setting off the smoke alarm in the hotel.  Yes Alexis keep flapping that piece of paper like you’ve burnt a tv dinner at home, that should clear up the smoke and turn the alarm off, that always works.

Shoo smoke

And that’s it this week, a bit of a let down after the drama that was the last episode…what did you think?