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Friday, April 6, 2012
1:09 am
41 Comments
Wow – I can’t believe it’s been two whole weeks since we last checked in with our housewives! We got to watch Heather and her trophy-wife friends make plans to piddle away mountains of money, and see Vicki have major hysteria over the effect her daughter’s surgery was having on her. Also, Alexis hired a nurse to put frozen peas on her face.
And speaking of throwing away tons of money, we join Heather taking her husband Terry for a wardrobe makeover. Oh for crying out loud. They’re visiting a guy who makes custom suits for men, and they’re here because their “friends” wear suits from this guy. Would these be the other suckers financing Project Restaurant Fiasco? Well by all means, if they get their suits here, let’s get Terry measured! Heather starts off by telling everyone that Terry is not a suit guy. Good call bringing him to a suit maker, then. Heather tells us he has the style of a doctor, indicating that it’s non-existent. I just have to say quickly that my dad is a doctor and he goes to work in a suit every single day. But that’s enough real life for one episode. Back to Billionaire’s Row! This exclusive male “clothe-ee-ay,” as Heather calls him, instructs Terry on just how many suits a guy who never wears suits needs. It’s several. Including a tuxedo, LOL. Heather keeps lecturing us on how important presentation is. That’s why she’s so stylish, and just now getting around to dressing her husband.
“I’ll take everything you’ve got! And if I never wear any of it? Whatever!”
After measurements and fabric choices, Mr. Tailor announces that this will run Terry about 50 grand. Then with “accoutrements,” meaning I guess ties and cuff links, it will be around 65 grand. 65 THOUSAND DOLLARS on suits for someone who wears scrubs to work and jeans at home. And how many freaking ties is he planning on buying? Eight or nine hundred? Sounds like money well spent. Heather throws her head back and laughs heartily when she hears the total. She says they’re just lucky SHE’S not making over her wardrobe, which could probably feed an African nation. She really has no clue, does she?
Let’s move on to a poorer couple. Tamra and Eddie are hitting the gym. The public gym.
Gaydar going berserk.
Working out helps Tamra get through her divorce. Well that and Eddie standing there saying how hot she is. She tells us she’s thinking of opening a “fitness studio.” Oh boy – another ill-advised venture backed by zero experience and even less knowledge. She also announces that she’s scheduled her boob reduction. Eddie doesn’t seem too sad about it because she’s keeping her butt.
At Vicki’s house the mood is still somber. Vicki feels very sorry for herself and this super hard time she’s been having. Briana calls with big news: all of her tumors were benign and she’s going to be just fine. That’s wonderful news for Briana, but all it does for Vicki is eliminate a sympathy ploy. I don’t know how long she can play the “my-daughter-almost-had-cancer” card.
“You’re killing me, Briana. You have no idea how vulnerable I am now.”
Some other day Tamra’s ready for another workout and this time she heads solo to Heather’s mansion. After stroking Heather’s ego about the magnificence of her home, they head into Heather’s dark wood home gym to lift dumbbells and talk about how fit they both are.
“All of our friends had custom dumbbells molded, so we did too. These are from the country’s finest dumbbell-ee-ay and cost ten thousand dollars each. Feel the distinction?”
Also it seems there is a Mud Run for charity coming up and Tamra and Eddie are inviting everyone to participate. Vicki isn’t going because her daughter almost had cancer. Alexis is still stuck at home with her nurse and frozen vegetables. But Gretchen and Slade are coming! I wonder how much Slade charged for his participation in this charity event.
Gretchen stops off to see Alexis with some flowers and Alexis is annoyed that it’s taken her five days to come over after her life saving surgery. When Gretchen walks in Alexis is wearing a SARS mask, which makes Gretchen wonder if she’s also had her lips done, but it turns out Alexis is just vain and doesn’t want her bandages to show. A huge white mask is much better.
“This way no one knows I had anything done!”
Alexis goes on and on about how painful this has been and how she would NEVER have done this if she had known how horrible it was going to be. But then she might have suffocated. As soon as Alexis can take her mask off she’s going to invite Tamra to lunch and demand to know why Tamra’s never liked her. She’s mad that Gretchen and Tamra are friends now, so she can’t just sit idly by. There are fights to pick now that Alexis can finally breathe!
Later Tamra comes over to Vicki’s house to watch her select clothes to donate to charity. What a charitable episode this is turning into! Maybe Terry can donate his new suits after he runs through mud! A bunch of Donn’s clothes are still in Vicki’s closet and she starts complaining that she’s never lived alone like this because she moved from her parents’ house right into her first marriage. Now that marriage number two is finished, she only has the three or four cards Brooks sends her every day to snuggle with. Three or four cards a day? No wonder he can’t afford child support. Tamra is suspicious about all the attention Brooks is showering on Vicki, but really, it’s the least he can do after Vicki bailed him out of jail, paid his back child support and bought him all new clothes.
“So wait. He sends you e-cards because he can’t afford postage?”
“The important thing, Tamra, is that he’s ALL CAUGHT UP.”
Mud Run time! Each couple is wearing t-shirts with clever titles on them. So Tamra’s says “Cougar,” and Eddie’s says “Boy Toy.” Tamra’s adult son, who is probably about Eddie’s age and dying of embarrassment, is here wearing a shirt that says “Big Boy.” This is a disturbing trio. Slade has been arts-and-crafting again because Gretchen is wearing another rhinestone masterpiece that says “Naked Wasted” and it looks like Slade has used crayons to write “Comic” on his. I guess he’s still hanging on to that delusion.
“Two bucks at Michaels!”
Heather’s says “Fancy Pants,” which is the least offensive thing she’s done so far, and Terry’s – OF COURSE – says “Dr. 92660.” Heather must be worried that we’re going to forget what Terry does to pay for her lifestyle. The race begins and immediately the runners have to crawl through a pool of mud. Terry makes it through and announces, “I’m a doctor, not a mud wrestler!” He must be worried about us forgetting as well. But just as things get going, Gretchen hurts her ankle and everyone gathers around to decide what she should do. Thank goodness there’s a doctor on this team! He advises her to stop running if it hurts. And he’s board certified, people. Some medics come and take both Gretchen and Slade away on a golf cart. Slade’s thrilled to get out of the race without actually getting hurt or exercising.
Meanwhile Alexis is back to see Dr. Boobies for her next nose check. I mean sinus check. She refuses to rest for the next two weeks because she has so much to do, like fight with Tamra and give her assistant instructions, so Dr. Boobies tells her if she starts hemorrhaging at three in the morning she better not wake him up. Just go to the ER.
“But I’m not allowed to wake up Jim if it’s after 11.”
Then Alexis screeches and cries while Dr. Boobies takes her nose cast off. What should take ten seconds ends up taking about 20 minutes through the wincing and whimpering. Luckily the private nurse is putting her skills to good use and holding Alexis’s hand through this horrifying ordeal. When she finally gets to see her new nose, she is elated to discover it’s not too skinny and goes on and on about it, then hurries and remembers to tell us how much easier it is to breathe now.
Back to the Mud Run. Eddie tries to go across some monkey bars and falls into mud, breaking a finger in the process. Dr. 92660? What say you? Terry recommends breast implants, so Eddie pops his finger back into place by himself.
“My work always looks completely natural. Did I mention I’m a doctor?”
When Gretchen reaches the finish line via golf cart, she frets that her hurt ankle may impede her upcoming performance with the Pussycat Dolls. It’s necessary to put weight on both ankles in order to effectively flash your crotch to an audience. Tamra tells us she’s really good at this race because she was on the track team in high school, and she’s really just a boy with a vagina. Aaaaaaaand the question of Eddie’s sexuality continues to come together one tiny piece at at time.
Group showers just ahead, Eddie!
In this week’s mini-scene, Terry sprays down mud-covered Heather and Tamra with a hose and he spends a little too much time ogling Tamra. Heather is oblivious because she’s preoccupied mentally squandering more money than most people make in a year.
And our triumphant charity runners head to a pizzeria for some post-race carbs. Everyone is in sweats except for Heather, who is in an evening gown. Presentation is of the utmost importance, you see. And she keeps making it a point to tell us that she can get down and dirty. Mud is nothing compared to dirty diapers. She’s a joiner. When she puts her mind to something, blah, blah, blah, we get it. Your husband is a doctor. Slade starts talking about biking and he goes off about how he was the state champion in high school and trained with the olympic team. Wow, have you done anything in the last 20 years? No?
Aw, look who’s having Date Night, it’s Vicki and Brooks. He must have helicoptered in from Mississippi. Vicki attempts to tell us what Brooks does for a living and it’s suspiciously vague. She says he’s an entrepreneur, can work from his phone and his computer, does not have just one title, and is basically a consultant. A consultant to whom? On what, exactly? Didn’t they meet at an insurance conference?
“But I’m realizing my true calling in life is comedy…”
After everything Vicki has said about what a loser Slade is, I wonder what a psychiatrist would have to say about her relationship with an older version of her mortal enemy. As Brooks makes a speech about his love for Vicki we get a closeup of these two holding hands across the table and I’m blinded by all of the diamonds in the ring that Donn gave Vicki. LOL, editors. Brooks ends his romantic soliloquy by saying he wants to flip the table over and bed Vicki down. What a southern gentleman.
And bright and early the next morning, Tamra takes two bites of Greek yogurt (no carbs!) and heads out to her attorney’s office to sign her divorce papers. She calls Eddie on the way to plan a celebration for later, but as soon as she sits down in the office she bursts into tears. It’s just now occurring to her that she’s let her kids down and is splitting up their family. It’s been two years, Tamra. Have you just avoided thinking altogether?
“Well I HAVE avoided carbs altogether. Doesn’t that count for something?”
We have a montage of Simon being a jerk and then a montage of Simon being sweet. Do you see how torn Tamra suddenly is? Sure, Simon was a controlling bully, but he did buy her expensive jewelry. And really, how important is respect in a marriage? And let’s factor a Rolex into that equation. Ultimately deciding to cut ALL ties – except for those pesky children they had together, Tamra is waiving spousal support, so I guess Bravo will be financing her fitness studio. And with the stroke of a pen, Tamra is legally single. She goes outside and calls Vicki to tell her how sad she is. While she sobs and regrets everything, Eddie is waiting at a restaurant with champagne and balloons, ha ha ha.
Next week! Alexis blows another morning show segment, Jim wants her to quit working, and Gretchen horrifies America by singing on camera. There’s also another fight involving Vicki. Someone must have forgotten that Briana almost had cancer.
I’m suddenly dying to go out and blow my salary on a bunch of clothes I would never wear. How about you guys?
To watch Flipit’s Redub: Next Week On: RHOC click here.
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Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta
41 Comments
Am I the only person who found the exchange between Brooks and Vicki disturbing? It was weird and demanding and borderline kinky. I also see the red flags of a grown man with tons of baggage sending four cards daily and jumping all the crazy hoops VIcki thinks make a person loved.
2nd’d on the gay vibe for Eddie but I do like to see those two laughing, they seem really to have fun together.
I hate Alexis but with Jim cut out and her being a snooze-fest I can only work up a mild loathe for her this season, I say we should throw Aubrey O’day into the mix and sit back and watch…
Great recap! Thanks!
Getting ready to read the recap but had to comment on something I saw on another site earlier this week. I was going to have Flipit send it to you, Honey, but I could not find any other confirmation and I did not want to potentially lead you astray. Anyhoo, one site that has been fairly reliable in the past, posted Bravo’s shows in development. One was a show about several groups of friends trying to start restaurants. I kid you not. Makes me suspicious that the helicopter meeting was a segue into this new show. Again, have not seen any other confirmation and the guy did something with April Fool’s that messed up his previous articles, but it makes sense if you think about it….
Awesome recap, Honey! I, too, find it simultaneously disturbing and hilarious that Vicki is dating an older Slade. At the last reunion did Wretched and Slade insist that he did, in fact, have a job and its title was CONSULTANT??! No wonder Brooks has so much time to waste sending vacuous cards all day. That’ll last just about as long as it takes the ink on their no-prenup wedding license to dry. But, of course, Vicki is too preoccupied to see this since Briana almost had cancer.
I liked how Briana’s prognosis went from “It’s not good. If you have anything to apologize to your daughter for, I’d say it soon,” to “everything’s fine, except for Vickie’s damaged calm”. I s’pose the producers could always restart a cancer plotline if things get too quiet.
My mud run t-shirt would have said “Fuck Bravo right in the eye.” (That ought to have gotten me out of having to appear in the scene. That and the flaming effigy of Bobblehead that tend to carry around.)
* And for those of you with a pathological need for complete clarity through add on post explanations and corrections, by flaming, I meant “undergoing combustion, a rapid chemical change producing heat, light, and gases”.
Ok. I don’t want to call Alexis a liar, how unchristian of me, but check her pants cuz they are on fire! I had a nose job/sinus surgery/I had difficulty breathing…. Whatever you call it, I had it. AND getting the cast off was the LEAST painful process of the whole thing! Ugh well I guess now she can interview ” survivors of nasal surgery ” during a very special hour of fox 5.
I agree, Mia. Brooks really weirded me out when he was demanding Vicki kissed him, even though she hates PDA’s. Don’t get me wrong, I think Icki is a mess and can’t stand her, but there’s something really off about this guy. She should just be a slut for a year and see how that feels. I miss Donn
.
Great recap, Honey!
You can see the segue at the reunion now, can’t you?
“So. Vickie. Pretty upsetting medical situation with Briana, huh? How are you dealing with it?
“[Sniffle. Dab eyes] I’m a mom, Andy, and when you’re a mom, you worr…”
“Totally. Well, malignant lymph nodes weren’t the ONLY medical drama this season!!!!! Let’s talk about sinus goo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Alexis?”
Who’s Truffle Hunter gonna get to help her out with the “being a slut for a year” part? She’s only got this Brooks weirdo because most of the time, he keeps EIGHT STATES between his dick and her face.
I totally found it disturbing. It was so ackward. Brooks was like reading from a script ??? He is the guy who is going to fill her “love tank.” He looks like a middle-aged, bald, nerd. Team Donn.
NEVER, EVER say “love tank” in my presence again!
Tamra is due some child support with 3 kids, she should have taken it. But, I do suppose that whatshisaname probably had some conditions if she didn’t deny the support.
Vicki really is just an asshole. Period.
Gretchen, just dump whiny creepy Slade already. Aren’t you tired of everybody hating him yet? (God, she could really get a great guy if she would just get rid of him).
Alexis I like better (just a little) without Jim.
Heather I wanted to dislike due to her monetary fascination, but she actually seems like a halfway decent person. Although, she really does like to point out her good points over and over and over, just in case anyone misses them. (That’s pretty annoying).
Brooks is a total con man. All that talk about “my heart is here with you.” Of course his heart is in Orange County as opposed to Nowhere, Alabama (or wherever). And if Vicki would just help him out, get him set up with a place to live until his “consulting” gets going, she could have the rest of him with her all the time too! Vicki’s going to get BURNED.
Heather is a tool. And I thought I liked Terry but now I think he’s kind of a complacent douchebag. I fast-forwarded a lot of this episode. Maybe the most boring Housewives ep ever.
Was Vicki always this unlikeable? I’m actually waiting to see her spontaneously combust when she finds out Briana eloped. It would fucking serve her right if Brooks turned out to be an older version of Slade. He kind of gives off a skeevy vibe when I see him. Ewwwww.
And, could Jesus Barbie have been a bigger baby about the nose splint? “Oh! Owwww! No! It huuuurts!” You could tell Dr. Boobies was getting impatient with her foolishness. I was wondering how the hell this woman gave birth!
Around these parts a mother (or father) cannot waive child support because it is FOR THE CHILDREN. In essence, the children would have to waive it but they are too young to enter into contracts so the court acts on their behalves and enforces it. I thought that was universal, so that could have been a big ol’ act for the cameras (shocking, I know!).
I thought Tamra waved Spousal Support, not child support. From what I’ve read Donn is suing Vickie for Spousal Support in their divorce, it has nothing to do with the children. It is another term for alimony.
OF COURSE Tamra didn’t waive child support!
They made her look like such a martyr in that scene, but you can live quite comfortably on child support! And No Way was that not referring to alimony.
She will not SHUT UP about that, will she ? It’s become her new “Whoo-hoo!” Never did a woman define herself by her own press as much as Vicki does.
Ohhhh, okay.
That makes sense now. She’ll get the child support, but no alimony.
I mean, it sort of doesn’t make sense, but it makes sense in the way that I must have missed the ‘spousal support’ part.
I have no idea why she wouldn’t take the alimony from him. Maybe she makes more than him or something. lol.
That must have been what was taking the divorce so long to go through. She’s probably already decided to marry Eddie (hence the guilty tearful sessions with the interview camera) and she would have to give up the alimony when she remarries so she decided to stop haggling over it. I;m sure Tamra sincerely thinks of herself as an “independent woman,” but she’s that annoying type of independent woman who tends to marry rich men and discover that they’re bastards when they’re broke.
I mean, only discover that they’re bastards when they’re broke, not that they become bastards when they’re broke.
r u kidding me
I have hated icky since about the middle of season 1. yes, she is completely unlikeable and yucky and bitchy and whoohooy. She has been a condescending bitch for quite a while. I know you were blinded by the sparkle-slutiness of Gretchen and Tamara and Alexis and Lori and, and…. I would actually go so far as to say that I fucking hate that bitch “slut pig” truffle hunting, whoohooy, holier than thou (worse than jesus barbie), bad makeup/horrible skin/poor dressing, fake ass woman(?)!!!!!
She is totally unlikeable. end of story, whoo hoo
I do love you 2muchbravo!!
I just read that Brooks is only 45 years old (1967)!!! He looks like hes pushing 60 at least. He needs to put down the booze STAT!!
I always knew Vicki was childish, but when did she turn into a 5 year old? Shaking her head while at dinner (“nuh uh brooks don’t kiss me”) was so freakin werid, not to mention her constant need for “affirmations”. Who is she? Stuart Smalley? (“Im Good Enough, Im Smart Enough and doggone it, people like me!”) BARF!!!
But what hit the nail on the head was when she mentioned her Daddy and how much she missed him (“I miss my Daddy, I miss my daddy”) and how he doted on her and showed her affection all the time. Homegirl has serious issues…..if she’s looking for Daddy, she may have found him in Brooks, because he treats her just how she wants be treated, like a 5 year old.
Also, during the dinner scene, I got the feeling the only things Brooks knew about her was what he had seen on RHOC episodes: Vicki likes blue cheese stuffed olives, Vicki was once looking to buy a yauht….weird. It’s as if he stalked her or something, then natrually Vicki fell for him because he knew SO MUCH about her. She is totally batshit at this point.
And was it just me, or was that some serious overkill on the olives? I think there were more than six in that drink.
Why she can attend the sex parlor Don goes to and get her freak on.
I am wondering if we are not seeing some strange childhood issue rearing its lovely head with Vicki.
I am assuming because that would mean more dealing with Simon. And as we have seen, he would probably lord it over her. Best for her to move on to Eddie’s family money.
Ahhhh remember the Wooo hooo days? It was a simpler time then.
Finally caught this episode and boy, am I glad I watched it…not!!
I guess we should be glad that Foghorn Legorn has taken Vicki off the dating market for now. That saves other guys from drowning in Vicki’s “Lake Me”. OMG, does this bitch always need a gold star/pat on the head/cookie for taking a breath? Serves her right if she ends up with that con artist living in her home, “consulting” on her computer, sending “you complete me” e-cards to her, while draining her dry. Maybe he and Slade will become biking buddies. Ugh, I am so sick of her love tank yabbering.
While Heather was finding a new way this week to waste money, I kept shouting at the screen: “HE’S A FREAKIN’ DOCTAH!!! HE WEARS SCRUBS!!! WHY DOES HE NEED A TUX, YA TWAT?!! (well, in my defense, the RHONJ preview came on before, and Teresa’s voice echoed in my head) Heather is just the sort for this show, and it is nice to see some actual money, but she is no less annoying.
Jaysus, Alexis, it was a nose, not a heart. Jesus does not want you to come home to him yet, the angel of death was not hovering, you are a drama queen. And if the only thing you are scheduling post sinus/nose job is a battle of the idiots with Tamra, then clearly your clothes empire/Fox Five’s resident dumbass gig is not that vital to the economy of this country.
Tamra – I never known anyone who can make the sounds of crying, but not the tears of crying. We don’t expect you to do a jig at the signing, but all this dramatic face twisting and anguish is a bit much. He hates you, you hate him, Eddie’s hot…moving on…
Gretchen should have swallowed the mud too. With that and the ankle, this Pussycatastophe could be avoided. Hearing her sing in the previews was painful.
He’s what?????? NFW!
I believe she said earlier in the season when she and Icky (love it) were bitching about their exes that Simon wanted 90% spousal support (if that’s even possible) so I think you are correct. She makes more than him, the stellar tequila salesman of SOCAL that he is.
Thanks for the awesome recapp HoneyGangsta, hilarous! I had to fold a fitted sheet and was pressed for time to fit this episode in. Now, I don’t need to!
I was completely weirded out when Brooks was demanding that Vickie kiss him…when he started counting “kiss me 1, 2, 3″ it was like a he was talking to a 5 year old. I lost more respect for Vickie when she complied. I guess getting validation from a man is more important than self-respect.
I saw this on Daytime Confidential….. Alexis as a soap actress? No wonder that vapid bitch got her nose done!
http://daytimeconfidential.zap2it.com/2012/04/10/real-housewives-of-orange-countys-alexis-bellino-checks-into-general-hospital
i think brooks is creepy. heather could have went to walmart and saved some money. oh i fell sunday and broke mt leg and arm
Not my once beloved GH. WWSD?
@Honey Gangsta Your recaps are always good but this 1 almost caused a coffee related tragedy.
And not even from spitting which usually happens to people.
Before I had even 1 sip “dumbbell-ee-ay” made me ROFL so hard my hand shook and my coffee slopped out all over and came THIS close to falling into my keyboard.
Which would have meant accidental electrocution to me and irreconcilable damages to an important piece of computer equipment that would cost almost $11 to replace!
Anyway, I hope somebody will say that where Heather can hear it because she’ll totally start calling it that.
That girl’s money is so new it’s still got blood on it.
(yes I know I’m in the wrong wk but at least it’s the right yr. Which counts as improvement)
LOL – so glad you liked that, kthxbai!!!