RHOC Recap: Vegas Confidential

Recaps

By Honey Gangsta | Friday, May 4, 2012 | 2:19 pm | 25 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of Orange County, Recaps

And upstairs, Gretchen seems to have woken up PAINTED in blue eyeshadow and ready to hear Slade shower her with compliments both on her performance and for her birthday.  He also tells her she is a born performer and that if she just does what she loves she’ll never work a day in her life.  Then he gives a quintessential Slade quote:  “I truly feel like I have been blessed – my entire life I’ve never worked.”

“And the child support judge can quote me on that!” BINGO!  I know he meant that he so loves being Gretchen’s manager that it doesn’t FEEL like work, but of course the truth is that Slade really doesn’t work!  He LOVES leeching so much that it doesn’t even feel like work anymore!  Gretchen says she’s the luckiest girl in the world and no amount of money could ever, ever, ever change that.  HA!  I love that she hid a reminder that Slade is broke inside of a compliment.  I also love that she thinks she’s lucky.

Back in Orange County, Vicki and Brooks are walking through a house that Vicki rents out. I guess she’s selling it due to the divorce.  She keeps pointing out all the fabulous features to Brooks and you can see the wheels in his shady mind turning.  We have flashbacks to previous seasons to remind us that Jeana sold Vicki this house and promised her it was a great investment and she’d never lose money on it.  After that, SLADE was Vicki’s tenant until he started living off of Gretchen.  And back to the present, when this house is worth a million dollars less than Vicki paid for it.  Oops.  Brooks comforts Vicki by telling her that a house is just a house, but she makes it a home.  What?  How does that help her feel better about losing a million dollars?  I guess it doesn’t because Vicki sobs.

Doesn’t Hallmark make a “Sorry You Lost A Mil” card Brooks? She says that she and Donn were going to sell their main house and move into this one for their retirement.  Brooks keeps the cliches coming.  Embrace the past, but don’t look to it – learn from it.  Was that today’s affirmation?  Or was it that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond?  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  A stitch in time saves nine.  In for a penny, in for a pound.  A woman needs a man like a fish needs a… wait, that one doesn’t help Brooks.

Let’s see what Alexis is up to.  It looks like she’s gone against Jimmy the Chin’s advice and hired herself a coach.  She says that she and Jim prayed hard about it, but sometimes they come up with different answers.  Oh, is that how it works?  Anyway she starts off by telling her coach – Terry – that she knows she’s no Katie Couric (still pronounced “Cure-ick”), but she’d like to see where this can take her.  Terry tells Alexis that she has a lot to work on, starting with the slutty outfit Alexis wore to do a segment about the sexualization of children.

“Basically hon, you looked like an imbecile prostitute.” Terry says that live television is like a bus and as a presenter Alexis has to drive the bus and right now she’s only qualified to be a passenger.  In real life Alexis is also only a passenger in her own cars as well, which she has her assistants drive.  What does that tell you?  Terry has Alexis practice by presenting a news segment on a family home that is burning down.  HA HA!  AS IF Fox would ever entrust anything important to Alexis.  I guess the theory is that if she can master this she can certainly tell you which fruit your butt is shaped like.  Needless to say, Alexis is awkward and inappropriate, beginning each take with, “Hi!” even though Terry keeps telling her not to.  She even says it makes Alexis sound like a bimbo.  I’m starting to like Terry until she tells Alexis she might actually have a future in this.

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Late one afternoon in 2005, Honey Gangsta received an invite to join a two person blog set up by her former roommate who had recently ditched LA (California knows how to party) for the bright lights of NYC (these streets will make you feel brand new, the lights will inspire you). The purpose of the blog was to continue their nightly ritual of ripping on reality TV, which could no longer be done in person. Since Honey Gangsta was still watching 18 hours of TV a day and had nothing else to do, she agreed. 10,000 hits later, HG was inspired to submit a Bachelor recap to TVgasm - no one was reporting on Officer Mayo and his time traveling DeLorean - and the rest is history. It's been said that she writes what you're thinking. It's been said she is a genius - a Blogger Laureate of her time. It's also been said that the earth is flat and no one landed on the moon, so you just never know. With her keen observations, and colorful commentary, Honey Gangsta is beloved the world over.

25 Comments

  1. 1
    Stacey
    Posted May 4, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Have always loved Brianna and dropping the marriage bomb on Vicki in front of the cameras vaulted her to the top of my favorite person of all time list! While Vicki sat there speechless I was laughing so hard I peed myself, and I didn’t even care! Sadly Vicki will never understand that her own actions and personality brought the level headed Brianna to this public f**k you. But we all get it Brianna, and we bow down to your awesomeness!!

  2. 2
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted May 4, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Ok. So I guess I now know how my parents felt when they found out the Mr and I got married at the court house. But I can totally see why Briana did what she did… Her bf/husband had been deployed twice, she went throught his cancer scare with him gone. Yeah I would be all for going to Vegas as well. –Mr was supposed to be deployed for a year, he said, “I want to marry you. Why not do it now, instead of waiting for when I get back? I have watch these nights, you work these nights. Lets pick a day when we are both free.” That is what we did! We will Celebrate 8 years in July.

    Briana is totally when, your heart what your heart wants. When it is right, it is right. Now for the drive thru. Yeah, I would have gotten out for that. But that is just me!! Vicki, you stoopid cow. No, this is not all about you. This is about her and Ryan. Get over yourself…

    I thought the best part of this episode was when Slade said to the table ” I am everyone’s favorite Douche!!” I had to giggle at that!!

  3. 3
    labowner
    Posted May 4, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Quickly before I leave work. It wasn’t a drive through, they got out of the car. Got their license and then walked across the street for the ceremony. There are photos of them on line somewhere after they officially married.

  4. 4
    moonshine
    Posted May 4, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    Thanks HG, very funny. Whilst i don’t want to support Gretch the Wretch’s music career I will just say that Bravo can be a little mean with their editing as her music track was stripped away just leaving her solo voice with some weak instrumentals providing no support. In the club itself the music track would have been soooo loud that Gretchen would barely be heard and sound, consequently, kind of o.k. which is why the usually soooopah critical ‘girls’ actually congratulated her. believe me, if they had heard what WE heard, they would have all be cackling like Burnham Wood was approaching Dunsinane!

    Alexis also was given the Bravo chop and made to appear even more idiotic than usual on her tv segment – IF one could bear to view the whole piece in it’s 5 or 6 minute entirety, it wasn’t as horrendous as portrayed. Bad but not laughable. Mean of Bravo but i am sure as hell glad they do it! haha.

  5. 5
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted May 4, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    Ok. Briana did say they went to the courthouse in OC and drove out to Vegas. She also said at dinner that they went to a drive thru wedding chapel, so I am going by what I saw/heard from tv. But I still don’t blame her! Our view from the Judges chambers over looked Downtown Seattle and Elliott Bay. Our witnesses were a friend that was in Pharmacy Tech school with me, and the Judges’ Bailiff, Luigi Columbo..I shit you not, that was his name! Luigi Columbo :)

    Next week looks like it is going to be all about the Vickster, again….

  6. 6
    Joy1333
    Posted May 5, 2012 at 5:31 am

    Wasn’t Briana’s storyline with Cody that she was saving herself for marriage?

    Maybe that was a factor behind her elopement.

  7. 7
    jillian
    Posted May 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Macbeth joke yay!

  8. 8
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 5, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    @ Stacey—”Brianna Love” is a flowing– loved since the beginning and love her more now—Hey Vick-ster: she didn’t want to have her wedding on TV–plain and simple. I think a new catch phrase shall be instead of “Roger that” its now “Brianna that”– I like it.

    Gretchen– Lordy girl–wow…um…nice sparkley makeup. I am sure Slade Creepy-Douche will take full credit for it.
    Terry– you are growing on me–Is there something you can do to permanently close Heather’s mouth?? I want to see her actually performing with a big band—I am from NY too so I would have seen her–
    Jim–wow–you creep me out on a regular basis and anytime you want to “stay home to avoid drama with ladies” be my guest

    Slade– please go away

  9. 9
    featherhead
    Posted May 6, 2012 at 7:13 am

    Hey – I just read on Radaronline that Brianna is 4 months pregnant. Vickie’s head is going to implode! I wonder how she’s gonna take being called Grandma?

  10. 10
    Surly Girly Surly Girly
    Posted May 6, 2012 at 11:02 am

    @ featherhead: OMG, that poor baby … with Vicki as its grandmother? I hope Brianna has the sense to move out of state.

  11. 11
    featherhead
    Posted May 6, 2012 at 11:48 am

    That’s what I was thinking, Surly Girly (luv the name btw) – Run Brianna! Actually with her husband being in the armed forces they’ll be stationed all over the place. I hear Germany is nice this time of year, lol

  12. 12
    realhousewivesfan
    Posted May 6, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    7 years i have been watching this show. Every OC housewife and this Brianna Bombshell is interesting.
    Bri- Has gave Vick a ton of storylines, her divorce is interesting, brooks is shady, must say she’s a keeper for next season in my book now! lol. last season her continuous storline about her love tank was really irking me, its paying off for bravo 2MILLION viewers averaging this season. highest ever. its usually 1.5 or less.
    I feel bad for Alexsis everyone hates on her but i like the girl and if youv been watching aslong as me you can totally predict a divorce in 2 seasons. Tamara has become so much fun, not mean and better, freedome makes her hotter. Also Heather is cool aslong as Terry is there! he’s a good guy. I’d like to see a 6th housewife or introduce “friend’s” again. Sara sucked!! FIRED. lmao

  13. 13
    Surly Girly Surly Girly
    Posted May 6, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Yup … I think Brianna is actually going to escape the choke-hold Vicki has on each of her kids. Don’t see Michael breaking away, though. He’ll be lining up the stripes on his comforter for the next 20 yrs…

  14. 14
    cloudsinmycoffee
    Posted May 7, 2012 at 6:15 am

    I almost roared with laughter (except I couldn’t, was holding my sleeping baby) when Brianna said “married!! Take a drink” and laughed nervously. Seriously that was the best moment ever!! She knew her mom wasn’t going to spaz out in front of the cameras or in front of her new son in law out of sheer embarassment. And that whole bullshit from Vicki “I’m so embarassed/what am I gonna tell my mom”, fuuuck you Vicki. You’re a grown ass woman and so is your daughter and your concern is so damn stupid. The whole I failed as a mother bit wanted to make me reach across through the screen and slap the whine out of her. Seriously??? Failed?? With Brianna??? She’s an AMAZING daughter and her patience is humbling. If she wants to think about failing, she should look at her son who’s doing what exactly?
    You know, if she’s stupid enough to entertain Brooks as her man whilst he counts her moneybags then so be it. She’s a moron and he’s a creepy ass dude. Even his hair gives me the creeps.

  15. 15
    trkaelin
    Posted May 7, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Poor Brooks sees so many greeting cards, he’s starting to talk in cliches. Nice way to comfort, big guy. Vick, you’re love tank may have been empty with Donn, but you really should have stayed with him. And it’s weird to me that Brooks is an unattractive version of Donn.

  16. 16
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted May 7, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Ohhhh Vicki! Silly, silly Vicki. There are so many strip clubs in the south, where do you even begin to start naming them all. She makes my head hurt.

  17. 17
    Yanksfan24
    Posted May 7, 2012 at 9:46 am

    At first I thought that Brianna had purely selfish reasons for running off to Vegas…because she didn’t want toplan a big wedding with Vicki as the MOB. That alone would have been reason enough for me. No matter what the reason, best wishes Brianna! Run, run fast and run hard!!

  18. 18
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted May 7, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Rightttttttttt Vicki, they only have strip clubs out west. No strippers in the Bible belt. We don’t go for that here.

    Alexis is stupid. I might have to start fast forwarding through her scenes.

  19. 19
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted May 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

    @ Surly Girly…nice zinger! Lining up comforter stripes is a up and coming profession I hear. Woooohooooo Michael!

  20. 20
    LAC LAC
    Posted May 7, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Yay!! We got our spazzy Vicki, talentless Gretchen, stoooooooopid Alexis, snotty Heather, funny Tamra all in one show! And a funny recap to boot!

    I love how Vicki can take a step forward and then make a lurching fall back on maturity. Apologize for being a heiffa, but then expect an apology back because she’s VICKI!! I am giving props to Gretchen for not giving her that apology. And seriously, Vicki, what is the next assets trip with you and Brooks? The safe deposit box at your bank? I am surprised he didn’t slip on his drool while walking through the place with you. Brook’s latest daily affirmation: There is no power that is stronger than the power of attorney – I mean – love.

    Oh, Brianna – congrats! :) My God, Vicki acts as if Brianna doesn’t make decisions on her own and was dragged to the drive through by her boyfriend. No, Truffle Hunter, she just doesnt want your hyperventilating , all about Vicki, controlling, shrieker howler monkey extravaganza that would be her wedding, thanks to you.

    What will I do now that Gretchen has performed and the Pussycat Dolts are dunzo? How will that OC hour be filled again? ;)

  21. 21
    caligal
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Alexis is going to be “acting” on General Hospital, May 9th, ABC. Sounds like must see TV to me.

  22. 22
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 9:26 am

    ^ the end has come. I used to live for GH. Le puke!

  23. 23
    annie Annie
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Everytime Brooks opens his mouth, I just cringe. And I cringe even more realizing Vicki, a 50 year old woman, eats that crap up with a spoon and needs it in order to feel good about herself. Fuckin’ werid.

    Brianna got herself a pretty good lookin’ dude! and YES I was also wondering about the “saving herself for marriage” thing from a few years back with Colby. Hell, if I had a cancer scare as a 24 year old virgin, I’d haul ass to the closest drive-through chapel too!

    Slade cracks me up, his face just lights up while talking about Gretchen’s “career” and how much he does to help her. He’s like a stage-mom. He needs to be on Toddlers and Tiaras.

    I see Ryan has the whole “Homeless surfer heroin addict who can’t grow hair on this head anymore so he’ll grow it on his face instead” look going on. Im so happy he can afford his own couch…….at age 26. so proud of him!!!

  24. 24
    leslilly
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    This is the first Real Housewives (of any city) that I’ve ever watched. All I can say is….these people are fuckin’ nuts! It was mesmerizing to watch though…

    Hey, I kept wondering why Slade kept commenting on what a “good looking couple”Heather? and Terry (who is a plastic surgeon – in case he didn’t say it enough) are. Methinks Slade wanted to play a foursome…and I’m not talking tennis.

    Btw, I don’t live too far from these women – however, I live in a bad, poor neighborhood – and even being a Southern Californian, I’m stunned by how much plastic surgery these people have had. It really makes them look older.

  25. 25
    leslilly
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    And… I think Brooks is a creepy gold-digger. I think Vicki is a drama queen – remember this is the first episode I’ve ever watched, so these are my initial impressions. I come from a family of cheapies – everyone elopes. My husband and I went off to Santa Barbara & got married on the beach by ourselves. Sooo, I couldn’t relate to Vicki’s reaction re: the elopement. When I called my mother after our ceremony, she was freaking THRILLED & happy (probably mainly because she didn’t have to contribute any $$ lol) that I got married (and I’m an only child, so this was her only chance). I guess I cannot relate to the problems of the rich, but it sure is fun to watch them, ha!
    Alexis and Jim are just gross. It was shocking to see that nearly all of these women needed help selecting clothing and packing for a weekend trip to Vegas. WTF?

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