And upstairs, Gretchen seems to have woken up PAINTED in blue eyeshadow and ready to hear Slade shower her with compliments both on her performance and for her birthday. He also tells her she is a born performer and that if she just does what she loves she’ll never work a day in her life. Then he gives a quintessential Slade quote: “I truly feel like I have been blessed – my entire life I’ve never worked.”
“And the child support judge can quote me on that!” BINGO! I know he meant that he so loves being Gretchen’s manager that it doesn’t FEEL like work, but of course the truth is that Slade really doesn’t work! He LOVES leeching so much that it doesn’t even feel like work anymore! Gretchen says she’s the luckiest girl in the world and no amount of money could ever, ever, ever change that. HA! I love that she hid a reminder that Slade is broke inside of a compliment. I also love that she thinks she’s lucky.
Back in Orange County, Vicki and Brooks are walking through a house that Vicki rents out. I guess she’s selling it due to the divorce. She keeps pointing out all the fabulous features to Brooks and you can see the wheels in his shady mind turning. We have flashbacks to previous seasons to remind us that Jeana sold Vicki this house and promised her it was a great investment and she’d never lose money on it. After that, SLADE was Vicki’s tenant until he started living off of Gretchen. And back to the present, when this house is worth a million dollars less than Vicki paid for it. Oops. Brooks comforts Vicki by telling her that a house is just a house, but she makes it a home. What? How does that help her feel better about losing a million dollars? I guess it doesn’t because Vicki sobs.
Doesn’t Hallmark make a “Sorry You Lost A Mil” card Brooks? She says that she and Donn were going to sell their main house and move into this one for their retirement. Brooks keeps the cliches coming. Embrace the past, but don’t look to it – learn from it. Was that today’s affirmation? Or was it that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond? What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. A stitch in time saves nine. In for a penny, in for a pound. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a… wait, that one doesn’t help Brooks.
Let’s see what Alexis is up to. It looks like she’s gone against Jimmy the Chin’s advice and hired herself a coach. She says that she and Jim prayed hard about it, but sometimes they come up with different answers. Oh, is that how it works? Anyway she starts off by telling her coach – Terry – that she knows she’s no Katie Couric (still pronounced “Cure-ick”), but she’d like to see where this can take her. Terry tells Alexis that she has a lot to work on, starting with the slutty outfit Alexis wore to do a segment about the sexualization of children.
“Basically hon, you looked like an imbecile prostitute.” Terry says that live television is like a bus and as a presenter Alexis has to drive the bus and right now she’s only qualified to be a passenger. In real life Alexis is also only a passenger in her own cars as well, which she has her assistants drive. What does that tell you? Terry has Alexis practice by presenting a news segment on a family home that is burning down. HA HA! AS IF Fox would ever entrust anything important to Alexis. I guess the theory is that if she can master this she can certainly tell you which fruit your butt is shaped like. Needless to say, Alexis is awkward and inappropriate, beginning each take with, “Hi!” even though Terry keeps telling her not to. She even says it makes Alexis sound like a bimbo. I’m starting to like Terry until she tells Alexis she might actually have a future in this.