Well, here we go, the last word on the OC wives for season 6. This reunion was split into two parts and one wasn’t better than the other, in fact the reunion matches the vibe of the entire season. Overall kinda mundane with a couple of moments of sweet chaos.
Things open with “teams” on opposite couches. The NY wives are called blonde and brunette. With this sea of fake blonde extensions Barbie hair, orange-glo tan, fake lashes, fake boobs, fake lips and frozen faces I’m going to call them Dumb and Dumber (the ladies can belong to either team at any given time). There aren’t as many screen captures this time around because every photo looks the same, some weathered straw haired hag sitting on a couch. Seen one, seen them all.
One of these things is exactly like the other
Andy Cohen looks like he dressed for an Easter parade in his pastels and he sets us up for an action packed hour that reflects the drama and heartbreak of the season and jumps right in…Alexis why do you pronounce Amex the way you do? *cricket*cricket* Yeah, that’s some hard-hitting stuff there Andy. Potato, potawto, who cares, move on.
Melissa from Miami wants to call Alexis out for being a joke of a “fashion designer” who doesn’t know what couture means. Alexis looks a bit embarrassed and says she won’t be getting into Mensa after her blunder on the definition of couture (otherwise she’s a shoo-in…of course she doesn’t know what Mensa means either). Andy asks her to clear it up once and for all and show everyone that she does know what it means…and she fumbles around again, struggling to explain the word ‘couture’. And this time she studied and she still can’t get it right!!
Things take a disturbing turn when it is revealed that Vicki doesn’t like the word vagina, it’s not a nice word and I guess it’s the letter “v” that makes it bad because she will substitute the word Bagina with no problem or even refer to her bits as “pink parts” *shudder*
Oh Gawd, did you really just call your lady bits pink parts?
Tamra’s in love and lust and proud of her rather cliche mid-life crisis. We are treated to a montage of the best of Eddie and Tamra making out and just when you thought you may have worked through your nightmares brought on by infamous porn tub scene, we are subjected yet again to flashes of tits, ass and as Andy says, a tub with waaaay too few bubbles.
Tamra’s divorce will be final in a couple of weeks but she’s doing alright, it’s been soooo hard for her, but she’s trying to be strong and thank goodness love, support and lower extremities of Eddie….huh, what was that? The kids? Oh yeah, they’re doing good, got them in therapy.
Could the need for therapy be a confirmation that they’ve seen the show and are humiliated, shocked, embarrassed, and constantly taunted and ridiculed at school that their mother is proud to present herself as the town bike (everyone gets a ride) despite’s Tamra’s insistent denials that her kids don’t watch Bravo)?
The two teams are divided about the porn in question. Team Dumb thinks it’s tasteless, tacky (and typical?). Team Dumber thinks it’s a beautiful artistic expression of love. So Vicki won’t say ‘vagina’ because it’s vulgar and unladylike but considers discount porn for the world to see a work of art?
Tamra is what a mean girl looks like after 40 and it ain’t pretty. She’s inherently vile, and the acidic bile inside eventually sucks every bit of moisture from the body and fills the empty parts like her head (and heart?). Her response to any criticism is to point at the bigger mistakes and indiscretions of others. I may have put on a sex show on national television and positioned my children for ridicule and shame, but Alexis’ kids rolled into a pool while strapped in their stroller because she and her asshole husband were busy doing shots. And Gretchen spread her legs on the internet with lube in one hand and a vibrator in the other. I may be trash but the other ladies are trashier.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I’m a bitter bitch
Speaking of trash and love and other things like it, Andy takes us down memory lane with a look back at Vicki’s disintegrating marriage. Vicki weeps some more, and whines about how hard it is on everyone including the kids, who are living at home with her while she goes through this rough time (yeah, Michael’s not going anywhere…ever). Both of her kids claimed they only wanted her to be happy and supported her in her decisions, but now Briana has turned on her and is being mean and disrespectful and is saying nasty things to her. Awww, poor Vicki, always the victim. But it’s not all bad news, because she is dating and her love tank is now full. Yuck. I could have lived without knowing that.
His name is Brooks and he likes to shop and work out with Vicki. When the father of four visits from the south, he stays with his new bff Eddie and they all just have so much fun together. Andy thinks that’s great and guess what Vicki, we have a special guest, Brooks come on out…insert Vicki’s look of horror here. Nah, just fooling. That Andy is jokester isn’t he? But we do have a taped interview of Donn, who was happy to sit down with Bravo and give them some insight into their broke-down marriage. Vicki still looks horrified, but now there is an expression of guilt mixed in too.
Oh crap, he’s about to expose me for the self-centered obsessive compulsive shrew I am
Donn seems resigned to the divorce, but there are flashes of anger and sadness when he talks about it. He says he the first he discovered the marriage was at its breaking point when he was served divorce papers at his office. He was shocked because he took their vow renewal seriously and wanted to spend more time together, but Vicki kept working more and staying away longer and fantasizing about emulating her mid-life crisis after her newly single friend, the oh-so-happy Tamra. Donn says Vicki handled their divorce the same way she handles everything, completely on her own with no regard for him, with no dignity or respect paid.
Vicki gulps some more, wipes a few tears and says that Donn is right. Yeah, Vicki, we all know that. But poor Vicki, she didn’t have any choice. The night of their vow renewal Donn put on his pjs and went to bed while she lay there sobbing for what may have been and yes, she worked a lot but she did that because that is where she found happiness. And she can’t take the blame for humiliating her husband by having him served divorce papers at work, that’s what her attorney told her to do.
While we are on the subject of marriage, let’s talk to Alexis, who thinks she gets undeserved criticism for her more “traditional” marriage. She wants to relay an analogy that she thinks will help everyone understand her marriage…there is a foundation of dirt and if you don’t water that dirt your roses aren’t going to grow and be beautiful. There. All cleared up. Thanks Alexis. Dumbass.
Alex is looking very Rupaul’s Drag Race in her Alexis Cow-turd ensemble
Viewers and the wives all agree that she is submissive and a second-class citizen in her union with King Jimbo but she doesn’t care what they think. She feels better when a man is running things, including her country. Plus she’s not the one talking divorce (yet) so obviously they are watering their marriage enough. Yeah, but only one of you is getting pissed on.
Andy makes sure he brings up the reports that Alexis is broke and her house is in foreclosure. They sold their house and are moving but broke people don’t pay cash for their next house now do they Andy? Huh? You short sold your house but now you are paying cash for another house? The banks usually frown on that sort of thing. Tamra smirks that she knows the score. You put the house under a business name and the business goes bankrupt but personal assets aren’t affected. Alexis just shrugs and says she doesn’t know the details because she feels safer when her man is running things.
Gretchen is up next and the focus turns to her turmoil over being in love with douchebag Slade. She’s emotional and squeaks that Slade is a good man who has been humbled by his downfall. It’s hard for him to have been so successful and to have endured such hardship and she’s so proud of him for owning it (his failure?). She was ready to marry big poppa Jeff, but now she’s not sure if she believes in the institution of marriage anymore. It has nothing to do with money (or lack thereof) that Slade has.
Tamra calls bullshit and it’s on. She and Gretchen start scratching at each other. Gretchen didn’t call T an evil bitch, she was just wearing an evil eye hat and when T asked her is she thought she was a bitch G just answered yes because that is the truth and the hat is a joke, geesh. T doesn’t care what G thinks of her and she wasn’t upset (even though she was) and when she brought out the mace that was a joke and G is obsessed with her and won’t stop talking about her. Nuh-uh counters G, it is T who is obsessed with her and won’t stop talking about her and writing about her on her blog.
Seriously Gretchen, is your ass jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?
Bing, bang, zing. You just know Tamra has been itching to drop that line, she wants to be a sound bite, she has one-liners written for her (she’s not clever enough to think up much on her own and she obviously can’t afford much talent either). As Kelly B would say, you’re not authentic, you’re being weird.
Yes…no….answers G. She is confused but all she knows is that T won’t stop talking about her. No I don’t. Yes, you do. No I don’t. Yes, you do. And the squeals are reaching decibels that only dogs can hear.
Evil eye vs. mace. Both these bitches are hopeless, neither one can see that they are cut from the same cloth. Each insists that their antics are jokes but what the other does isn’t funny. And G doesn’t just want an apology from T, she wants discussion about their issues. T says fine, admit your guilt and I’ll apologize. What guilt? The fact that G was sleeping around on her dying fiancé. No I wasn’t. Yes you were. No I wasn’t. Yes you were. Hey, is this some sort of a wonky time warp acid trip kind of thing? Have we jumped back a couple of seasons? Are these two still fighting about this crap? Holy cow, get a new script, move on, this is boring.
Why can’t you understand when I’m snarky its obviously a joke
Whew, and that is it for part I of the reunion, but there’s more disorder and delusion to come…
Part II begins with a look at the newest OC househo, Peggy, and her love for guns, all things homeopathic and natural, and big fake boobs. Straight from footage of her enjoying her proficiency at a firing range, Andy wants to know about her postpartum depression and whether she wanted to turn her gun on herself (nice segue Andy). Before Peggy can reply, Alexis jumps in to assure us that she’s had postpartum depression too, in fact she had it first.
Which leads us down the Peggy and Alexis path and what’s with the competition and tension between these two. According to Peggy’s version of the story, Alexis told her that Bravo wasn‘t casting for the OC, and event if they were, they weren’t going to choose another blonde. Then Peggy heard that Alexis pitched a fit when she found out Peggy managed to get on the show and said that she would quit before she’d share the screen with Peggy. Alexis tells Peggy to get over herself, she had no input over casting and obviously she didn’t quit the show so give it up, no one is the star, the show is about all of the ladies.
Twist to the recent revelation that Peggy dated Jimbo back in the day (don’t worry Peggy, we all have a date or two that is a huge wtf embarrassment).
I definitely had depression first because I banged your husband first
Alexis doesn’t give a care, that was in the past. Besides, Jim told her eventually (when they started taping the show together she says), but if there is anyone to be angry with, it’s Peggy because Peggy was her friend so she owed it to Alexis to be honest with her. *yawn* No one has the time or inclination to tackle that chunk of delusion, so Andy wishes them peace and moves on to the new and improved Gretchen.
He’s not sure that’s she’s improved (she sure as hell didn’t look new or fresh), but Andy has noticed that G is not taking shit this season. G agrees and said she came with a resolve to speak up for herself and not to hold back because she was afraid of hurting people’s feelings.
Tamra didn’t notice anything different about G, once a beyotch always a beyotch. Vicki was very hurt by G’s comments about her bleeding butt and the implication that Vicki did it on purpose or was faking it to draw attention away from G’s friend Alexis. I used to like G but she is such an idiot I just can’t anymore. She immediately flips it back that no one cared about her when her Jeff was in the hospital, and she will not hear the sensible justification that the OC ladies had only just met G (and didn’t know Jeff) so they weren’t compelled to rush to her side at the hospital and that maybe they felt more obligated to show up for Vicki since they’ve known her for years. Vicki says buzz off, it’s too late to cry about spilt milk and what was she doing taping a tv show when a loved one was dying? G shoots back that V should have stopped taping the show so she could make her marriage a priority. That’s the same thing – not its not, yes it is…
Blech, this is stooopid. Another argument that results in a screechy shouting match with everyone interrupting and talking over one and other. Andy’s head is bouncing back and forth between the teams like he’s at a tennis match or something.
Introducing the sixth housewife…Slade Smiley is in the house. He appears to have washed for this occasion but he’s still trying to bring back the Miami Vice 5 o’clock shadow. He looks like an ass no matter what he does.
Washed, but still a dirtbag
He goes through his regular ramble about how he used to have it all, but the downturn in the economy knocked him on his ass. He is trying hard, and when he can get a job, he works as a consultant advising clients in marketing and promotion. He’s not a deadbeat dad, people don’t know what they are talking about, if he didn’t pay child support he would be in jail and he’s not so obviously he is paying but it’s complicated and has to do with arrears owing and that amount has grown to an astronomical sum because it is based on his income before he became indigent.
Tamra is rolling her eyes and says Slade is a deadbeat and she’s had the conversation with his sick baby’s mama so she knows that Slade doesn’t pay his child support. She says Slade is lazy and won’t work to provide for his kid. G and Slade and even Alexis pipe in that Slade can’t help it if he can’t get a job, T sells houses (supposedly) so she should understand the fluctuations of the market and she’s only sold a few houses but she hasn’t marched herself to McDonald’s to get a job until the real estate market picks up. T’s like, I’ve sold as many houses as I need to, I don’t need any more money right now and Slade tells her she gets money by dropping to her knees and sucking off the OC. Not sure if he meant she’s trading sexual favours or she’s a parasite (or a combination), but T is out of there. She’s done and will not share the stage with a lying piece of crap like Slade. Then she goes backstage to call the baby mama (who I’m sure has nothing better to do, what with a critically ill child on her hands and all) to howl that Slade was just mean to her so baby mama better not be lying when she says Slade don’t pay because T just had her back and all. Baby mama (Michelle) assures her that Slade is a douchebag deadbeat dad.
Yeah, I know you’re busy with a sick kid, but you need to take time to talk to me
because this is important
Meh, I don’t care about any of them. They all drive me nuts. They act surprised that people have anything to say about their lives and actions (could it be because they are happy to put it all out there for the cameras?), they all talk shit about each other and then are indignant and outraged that they are in each other’s business, they spend a lot of time telling each other to stay out of their bizness, they don’t like it when they are under the microscope but are happy to look through the lens at anyone else.
It’s almost over (thankfully), but before we wrap it up for this season, original OC Jeana is back on the couch. Jeana is ‘dating’ the man she has moved into the house but is still married because she’s too lazy to follow through with the paperwork for a divorce. Besides, it’s all cool, her grown sons are living at home, her new man is in her bedroom and her husband is in the guest room down the hall. Yeah, it all sounds very healthy and normal and peaceful.
Flashback to the finale with the wine toss to the face and the threats that never were (according to T Jeana was the aggressor) culminating with Jeana’s pocket gay throwing a champagne glass at T. Jeana hasn’t changed her opinion of the whole thing, she thinks T is garbage. She laughs at the ‘cyst & decease’ letter from T’s paralegal receptionist, T’s a liar and a hypocrite who cries to Jeana that she had to press charges on Simon because she couldn’t have her kids thinking its ok to get mad and throw things at people and then gets mad and throws an envelope at Jeana…but that’s totally different! Jeana gets weepy and sobs that T has come between her and her friend Victoria and that makes her so sad. I thought it was money that came between Jeana and Vicki, Jeana asked to borrow some and Vicki said no dice. End of friendship.
Bitch pul-ease, you’re dead to me now that you asked to borrow money
Vicki feels bad that Jeana is upset, but at the end of the day she’s on Tamra’s side and she’s got her back. Jeana thanks Andy (for nothing) and she’s out.
And at last, the end is here. Andy would like to hear the final thoughts of the ladies…thoughts? This shouldn’t take long. Tamra is a survivor who has come through a bad time but is happy now. Gretchen is going to live in the moment. Peggy thinks doing housewives was an eye opening experience, kinda like therapy. Alexis has received a text from Jimbo telling her that Peggy was stalking him when they broke up (?). And Vicki? Well Vicki has some insurance she’d like to sell you. Now, can we get a woo-hoo?
That’s it for this season. What did you think? Do you think the ladies should come back again or should Bravo dump the OC altogether? It’s been fun following these ‘ladies’, I hope you enjoyed the recaps. See you soon!