RHOC: Smackdowns & Breakdowns

Things start off this week with Vicki stopping in to see Tamra now that she has returned from Spain.  We get to see Tamra’s new house and while it is very nice, I have a feeling it is outside the lauded gates of Coto de Caza.

Vicki is delighted that her ‘friend’ has fallen beneath her on the real estate scale and since she can only manage relationships in which she gets to feel superior, this Tamra/Vicki reunion might just work out.  Vicki calls the new house little and cute and pretty much pats Tamra on the head and says, “That’s ok, it’s the best you can do”.  Tamra doesn’t mind, she knows what her role is here and she likes it that way too.

‘cause you and me is pals, right?

Gifts all around!  Vicki has brought Tamra a housewarming/birthday gift (rip off!!! Can’t she afford two separate gifts?  She works after all).  Anyway, it’s a bedazzled cross.  With the exception of Jesus Barbie (thank you Tamra) I’ve never noticed any of the OC ladies taking an interest in feeling closer to God, although Vicki has adopted the annoying tendency to flap her arms around in a sloppy attempt to cross herself a lot this season.  Tamra loves the gift (she probably thinks it’s a pendant to wear as jewellery) and whips out a souvenir from Spain for Vicki in what looks like a plastic container from a gumball machine – do they still exist?  I bet they do, at the airport!  That Tamra is so thoughtful.

Vicki accepts the offering laid before her (I wonder if gifting is required as part of Tamra’s penance for the whole not having Vicki’s back-thing last year).  “Oh, is it a rosary?” asks Vicki…uh, yeah, yeah, it’s a rosary T responds (I bet Tamra thought it was a necklace).  Vicki loves it and she treasures the gift and gesture so much that she promises to keep it in her car.  Huh?!  ‘Cause that’s where you do  your praying?  Are you going to hang it off your rear view mirror or throw it in the glove box with wadded up napkins and other assorted garbage?

How’s the kids? Blah, blah.  Simon is controlling, blah, blah.  Vicki’s going to be out of town for six weeks, (insert Vicki’s bug-eyed response to the question, is Donn going? Wha? Of course Donn’s not going, why would he go?  He wasn’t even invited).

Wha?  Bring Donn?  You’re kidding right?

Vicki has way more important things to do and has to go (again with that work thing), but wait!  Oh there is always time to gossip and slag on the other ladies.  Oh geez, here we go, Macegate!  No one cares!  It was a stupid joke and a stupid reaction to the stupid joke, but you go ahead Tamra and make a molehill out of a mountain (insert nutso Kelly B. reference).

Heeheehee, and then the girls stretch their claws a bit…well, rumour has it that the Bellino’s are going to lose their house to the bank and maybe if Alexis didn’t spend her whole day looking in the mirror and spending all their money on botox and facials and manicures and pedicures, maybe if she took her lazy ass out and got a j-o-b and what is that husband of hers doing, he should get a j-o-b too, and Jesus Barbie has some nerve getting all preachy when she is doing what she’s doing, she’s stupid, she’s stoopid, and she should work, why doesn’t she work, why doesn’t he work, everyone should work, anything else, ok, job done, peace out…and Vicki vibrates out the door of the lil’ Tamra house.

Side note – I kept getting distracted with Tamra’s wonk-eyed make-up job.  She’s usually flawless. Overdone, but flawless nonetheless.  You know Vicki made her get up early that morning.  Just to flex, with a dash of bitter punishment for being younger, hotter, and happier.

That one on the left isn’t lining up, someone get Dr. Micah in here

Well, look what the toilette coughed up.

 

a pile of Slade (blech, doesn’t this guy wash?)

All of the males in Gretchen’s life are fat and she’s sick of it.  Her dogs are fat because her ex-husband feeds them too much and Slade is fat because he’s a lazy ass (I added that last part).  And sharing custody of the dogs?  That’s ridiculous.  I get the whole pet-love thing, but really?  Why keep those ties, they’re pets not children.  Get another dog and move on.  Gretchen got the combo-platter dog/man-child when she landed herself douchebag Slade.

Vicki and Donn are off to the spa for a massage.  Hey, how did he get in here?  Does Vicki know he’s here?  Vicki wants to have the perfect marriage but then there’s Donn messing it up and wanting to spend time together and getting in her way.  Vicki finds his incessant chatter about things that don’t matter to her like her daughter’s move and Donn’s untangling cords and some sh*t to be a complete waste of her time and she can barely stomach listening to him.  Yes, Donn is a bit simple sometimes but he’s a sweet man and he seems like the type to do his best no matter the task, hence his detailed account of the moving of the entertainment unit.  Vicki can’t wait to bolt and get away from him and into a private room where someone is paid to be quiet, massage her back and mumble the occasional `hmm` while Vicki goes on and on and on about how hard she works, how driven she is and how much she loves what she does.  Donn may think he’d like to spend time with Vicki and that a couple`s massage would be nice but he got the better deal.  Peace and quiet, a massage and some wine (again, notice the need for alcohol in combination with Vicki).

Gretchen and D-bag Slade join Peggy and Dr. Micah for dinner (I’m just going to assume he’s still a doctor since his dabbling in plastic surgery is the closest thing to work I’ve seen him do).  Peggy is unveiling her new ‘twins’ and they are a freak-show, they are bigger than her head.  Very symmetrical though, good job Dr. M.

Dr. M starts to wax poetic about the joys of fatherhood and Peggy frets that Slade might feel offended and assume Micah is commenting on his public status as a deadbeat dad.  Don’t worry Peggy, Slade’s not offended, he didn’t even notice and he doesn’t care.  He thinks he’s a great dad and that is part of what makes him a professional douchebag.

Apparently Dr. M has the knowledge and the power to instantly determine the molecular structure of things simply by placing them in the palm of his hand.  And this allows him to avoid anything that he may be allergic to.  This reeks of some Jimbo laying hands on stuff sh*t.  But let`s remember who his mother is.

I’m telling you, if not for the stem cells from that apple in Switzerland my skin would be a wreck!

I like Peggy so far.  Or maybe it’s more that in the company she’s keeping she shines, but she is a big flake and seems to know it and enjoy it.  She dotes on Micah and laughs at all his jokes (and I use the word `jokes` loosely) and she’s quite pleased with herself for getting a younger good looking man and locking things down with two kids.  And his comments about her boobs and requisite blow-jobs are flattering, she must be pretty and desirable if he says things like that.

Gretchen interviews that she needs to talk to Peggy because she may be giving away too many bj’s and not getting enough jewellery back in return.  Gretchen’s gonna set her straight.  Uh, G, take a look to your left.  Hello D-bag Slade.  Physician heal thyself Gretchen.

There is some crap with Slade trying to play the “I’m just a guy”` thing, he used to have it all but now, like so many others, he is suffering the impact of current economic times.  Whatever.  You’re a slimy deadbeat dad loser douchebag, and that’s enough time wasted talking about him.

There’s a random segment of Tamra and Peggy liquid lunching on mojitos and ragging about Alexis and another one of Tamra working hard for her money and showing some house.  She keeps saying that she’s not taken a thing from Simon and she’s living independently and paying her way.  Uhm, well yeah, that’s what you’re supposed to do and I maintain that there was nothing left to take when she and Simon split.  It has nothing to do with any moral stand or decision Tamra made, more like decisions that the bank made for her.

What the hell?  Vicki is now out to dinner with Donn.  This seems like an awful lot of Donn time but maybe she wants to clock a couple of obligatory hours before she goes away for six weeks.  Dinner is painful.  Big empty silences, nothing to talk about and before long she’s vibrating again, just twitching to get back to work, anything to not have to face the truth that she has failed her marriage.  I hope Donn gets a good lawyer to do what he can’t and pushes Vicki back and Donn walks away with half the assets accumulated during their marriage.  Donn is seemingly a sweet man who deserves compensation for the trauma he’s endured over the Vicki years.

I know the scene with Gretchen and Slade was built up to look like some big spectacular fight but it wasn’t and I can’t stand talking about Slade, and G’s not much better.  She’s screeching in the park and calling him tubbawubba and he pitches a fit in a tree (?)

And I’m not coming down ‘til you say sorry

*yawn* Whatever.  Leave him there, let him walk.  You can walk too G, you both are a joke.  Vitto is the real star of this show.

And lastly, Tamra visits Alexis to clear the air over the whole mace-at-the-party/text state of affairs.  Seriously, this is still an issue?  How do they hold on to this crap?  I get outraged ten times before lunch, if you try to keep track of every time someone is an asshole how would you get anything done?  But I suppose to these ladies this stupid tween drama is all consuming and very important.  They say it’s not and it doesn’t matter but no one ever lets it go.

First a tour around the bank’s new house.  Nice digs Alexis.  Love how she brushes off the rude and direct prying of Tamra asking if the foreclosure rumours are true.

Oh sweetjesus, was this necessary?!!

omg, how am I going to bleach this image from my mind *shudder*

Yeah, I don’t know if I can go on after that, I feel a bit nauseous.

We’re at the end anyway and it’s just another catfight between girls.  I have to say I kinda like Alexis though, I like that she doesn’t back down.  She’s an empty-headed bimbo without a point to be made but that doesn’t stop her from going manolo to manolo with Tamra.  Love the masterful bitch look T throws out…

Are you fu*king kidding me?

 

Meh, the hags agree to disagree over what is funny and it’s a wrap.

Next week Jeanna’s back in town…I hope she’s trolling for Donn, remember how sweet she was on him a season or two ago?