Alert the press! Vicki is going to take a day off work. Things begin with Vicki letting us know that she has listened to her family say that she is never at home so she has decided to take a day off work and spend the day with her family…a clear example of what the saying ‘be careful what you wish for’ means. They all pile into a rental boat (remember the glory days when Vicki wanted to buy a yacht? My, how things have changed) so they can cruise around the marina for what is surely to make the Titanic seem like a Funtime Cruise. Baby steps there people, I don’t know that being stuck in a confined space with Vicki is going to be a good thing for anyone.
The drinking starts immediately (a common response to spending time with Vicki) and cheers all around. Here’s to the family and cheers to the couple of random people Vicki brought along from the office. Wha?! What are they doing there? Way to commit to family time Vicki.
How much longer do I have to pretend to want to spend time with you people?
Fu*k, I could be working
Tamra and sex-toy Eddie are off to Spain. Someone call Spain and let them know or apologize ahead of time because I have the feeling these two are going to give credence to the term ‘ugly American’. Tamra has dumped her responsibilities (aka her kids) on her mom and she’s not telling that mean ol’ Simon that she’s leaving the country because she’s a free bitch now. In the limo on the way to the airport she starts to tattle on Alexis getting ticked off that Tamra tried to make a joke about bringing mace to the Botox party and she said this and then she did that and I said this…omg, these women are 12-years old. Even sex-toy Eddie, who is not the brightest crayon in the box, knows this is stupid girl stuff.
Just shut up and blow me
Back at Gold Diggers Den, Gretchen and Alexis settle in to talk more nonsense about nothing. Alexis is soooo tired of getting caught between Tamra and Gretchen’s on-going feud. And I am soooo tired of hearing about it. Seriously, are these women’s lives that small that these little moments of nothing are all that they have going on? Gretchen is on board agreeing with Alexis that Tamra was so out of line bringing mace to the party until Alexis points out that it is the same bullsh*t as her doing the whole evil eye hat trick at Tamra’s party. Well, hey, hold on there G says, the difference is that when G does it its funny. Yeah, not so much, you’re both idiots.
When I make mean spirited jokes it’s funny and don’t you forget it
And btw, what the hell is G wearing in her interview footage? Did Miss Kitty have a yard sale? That is some bordello ho-wear she’s sporting. Something from the Gretchen Christine Beaute line probably.
Back to the boat and so far no one has tossed Vicki overboard. Everyone except Vicki and her staff are having a few cocktails (although the staff looks like they could use a belt or two) and generally having fun (again, except for the staff that were forced to come along).
Checking for a pulse…damn, I’m still alive. I better be getting paid overtime for this shit.
Vicki continues to be a buzz kill and she wants to lead a discussion about the joys of insurance. In between those scintillating sound bites she screeches at her kids not to drink too much because their father is a good-for-nothing raging alcoholic and they are turning out just like him. Uhm…thanks mom? What the hell is that? Remember the good ol’ days when Vicki was the biggest lush at the party?
Remember Fun Vicki? We’re a long way from Lake Havasu now
Vicki thinks that her family doesn’t get her but the people at work do. No, your family gets you, they just don’t like you. And the people at work are paid to put up with you.
Spain is beautiful. Too bad Tamra is about to mar the landscape. Nah, I kid. I’ve always found Tamra to be kinda hard and tight and plastic…but I have to say that the happiness she’s feeling on the inside is showing on the outside – I know, YUCK… but it’s true, she looks better or softer or something this season. And I like her genuine awe and appreciation of travelling. Now if she could just keep her trap shut.
Gretchen is putting the finishing touches on her parent’s 40th wedding anniversary extravaganza. She’s bedazzled an old nightgown and added a lace doily for her mother’s dress.
Bedazzle & Behold
And then she rambles off a list of things to do for d-bag Slade. He looks horrified at the thought of work.
You’re kidding right? That sounds dangerously close to manual labor
Then, because Slade is a marketing genius (remember how he made Jo a superstar?), he comes up with an idea about buying boxes of tissue and MacGyvering them up with some homemade label on them with some stupid saying like Happy 40th Cry Baby. With ideas like that it’s hard to believe Jo is waiting tables now.
STFU, I’m the brains in this operation
It’s new boobs day for Peggy! As she getting prepped for surgery one of the nurses makes small talk and asks how old her kids are and I love it how people always have the rather astonished reaction about how young they are…translation = you’re kidding, an old bag like you has babies? What did you have, a surrogate? Ha!
Yikes, did I really need to see that shot of acrylic boob juice? What is this CSI: OC?
Dr. Micah scrubs in to give his expert opinion before the surgeon closes things up. Really? I guess Dr. Plastictits really does know who’s paying the bills. I don’t know if a man should ever be given the power to make the decision about size. That’s how you end up with these.
You just know Jim picked these funbags out
Dr. Micah still thinks that left one is going rogue, but with the reassuring words, “this is as good as I can get it” it’s a done deal. New parts, another 10 year warranty.
Just what everyone wants to hear from their surgeon
Eeeek! Peggy awakes in recovery and it’s not pretty,
While she’s doped up Micah gifts her some giant cubic zirconia earrings and all is good in Peggyville.
Next morning Vicki is back at work where she belongs and she scurries around the office cubicles annoying people, checking out the company T-shirts and laying the groundwork for sexual harassment suits.
Granny just felt me up
Finally, the best part of the entire episode, a shot of Walter!
Bow down to Walter, the biggest bitch on the block
Walter has come to the office with Vicki and when Donn stops in to pick him up Vicki is an ass and is just so busy that she can barely take the time to turn her head from her computer screen to nag Donn (she is far too busy to have Walter with her so goodbye). Run Walter run!!!
What kind of an operation is Vicki running? Is it a call center or something? They just take sections of the phone book and start cold calling to bug people to buy insurance? Why is everyone who works for her so young? She says the people who work for her respect her. I think it is more like they are being paid to be around her and they’ve likely been brought up to respect the elderly. Vicki doesn’t operate in an environment of her peers, she surrounds herself with young people because Vicki can’t manage with people her own age. No one in their 50s (or anyone over 30 really is going to put up with Vicki’s crap so she gravitates towards those she can dominate. Blech. I’m over Vicki. I want drink with her boobs Vicki back from season 2. And if I was that poor guy getting mauled by Vicki or that girl Danielle who got a ‘spanking’ for being bad…well, I’d be getting the tape from Bravo and making an appointment with Gloria Allred. It takes a bitch to take on a bitch.
You’re going down Vicki
Back to Gretchen’s Anniversary Extravaganza. Holy cow, how am I staying awake through this episode? *yawn* The anniversary is actually very nice but BORING! Man, don’t these women get invited to anything anymore? The storylines are so thin that this is the third episode that we’ve had to hear about this freakin’ anniversary and it’s not even for one of the housewives, it’s for a set of parents who occasionally make an appearance. LAME. And doesn’t G have a brother? Wouldn’t something like this Extravaganza call for the whole family to be a part of it? Anyway, it was very nice, blah, blah, blah. The best part was seeing that G’s mom hasn’t changed her hairstyle in 40 yrs.
When you find your look you stick with it
And it never gets old watching G’s dad swat smarmy Slade around (as in, ‘don’t step in that pile of Slade’) and equating shooting yourself in the foot to being married to d-bag Slade.
Tamra is in Spain and she is…shopping. Way to soak up the culture there gurl. I think she says it best…
You can take the girl out of Orange County but you can’t take the shopping whore out of me!
Sex-toy Eddie almost has to perform the Heimlich on Tamra when she chokes on her pinot at the mention of the two of them having kids. But like the good desperate middle-aged-clinging-to-her-youth-ho that she is, she pats poor stupid Eddie on the head and tells him that they will have beautiful children together. Uh, Eddie, her eggs are fossils. She’s telling you she’s 43 but in ho-speak that means she’s anywhere from 48 to 52. Use her and lose her Eddie, save yourself!
Gotta reel ‘em in (look how well that tactic worked with Simon)
Alexis shows up at Peggy’s to check in on her dear friend and see how she’s doing after surgery. She’s actually really there to make sure that Peggy’s new boobies are hideous in comparison to hers. *lol* I love it when Alexis is a snide bitch. Not only is it the second most interesting segment of this episode (Walter is still #1), but I think this is the authentic Alexis and I like it.
Hey gurl, just thought I’d stop by to see how you’re doing, you look awful
Heeheehee, I love these bitches. They hug it out like besties but Peggy interviews that she didn’t want to get gigantic cans like that Alexis because she wants people to look at her and not her chest (whatevah) and Alexis squeals about how fabulous Peggy’s new ‘twins’ look but interviews that she doesn’t want to be graphic but Peggy really should have gone to her doctor.
I’m just saying…your boobies are hideous
And finally this episode clunks along to a close with Tamra trying to get some service at a market in Spain. She is annoyed that she can get the service she wants immediately. Hmmm, could it be that not everyone wants to be on camera, much less with you Tamra?
Hey Chico, some service here now, don’t you know who I think I am?
*yawn* Yeah, I’m still here. I will always watch my housewives but these OC gals jumped the shark a season or two ago I think…hope springs eternal I guess and maybe the next episode something interesting will happen. The previews show Slade being a d-bag and Vicki wishing she was at work and bitchin’ about Donn…yeah, we’ve never seen that before…