RHOC: Spanish Fly in the Ointment

Recaps

By ZipTheRip | Wednesday, April 13, 2011 | 10:22 pm | 26 Comments
Tagged: , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Real Housewives of Orange County, Recaps

Alert the press!  Vicki is going to take a day off work.  Things begin with Vicki letting us know that she has listened to her family say that she is never at home so she has decided to take a day off work and spend the day with her family…a clear example of what the saying ‘be careful what you wish for’ means.  They all pile into a rental boat (remember the glory days when Vicki wanted to buy a yacht?  My, how things have changed) so they can cruise around the marina for what is surely to make the Titanic seem like a Funtime Cruise.  Baby steps there people, I don’t know that being stuck in a confined space with Vicki is going to be a good thing for anyone.

The drinking starts immediately (a common response to spending time with Vicki) and cheers all around.  Here’s to the family and cheers to the couple of random people Vicki brought along from the office.  Wha?!  What are they doing there?  Way to commit to family time Vicki.

vicki 1How much longer do I have to pretend to want to spend time with you people?
Fu*k, I could be working

Tamra and sex-toy Eddie are off to Spain.  Someone call Spain and let them know or apologize ahead of time because I have the feeling these two are going to give credence to the term ‘ugly American’.  Tamra has dumped her responsibilities (aka her kids) on her mom and she’s not telling that mean ol’ Simon that she’s leaving the country because she’s a free bitch now.  In the limo on the way to the airport she starts to tattle on Alexis getting ticked off that Tamra tried to make a joke about bringing mace to the Botox party and she said this and then she did that and I said this…omg, these women are 12-years old.  Even sex-toy Eddie, who is not the brightest crayon in the box, knows this is stupid girl stuff.

eddie
Just shut up and blow me

Back at Gold Diggers Den, Gretchen and Alexis settle in to talk more nonsense about nothing.  Alexis is soooo tired of getting caught between Tamra and Gretchen’s on-going feud.  And I am soooo tired of hearing about it.  Seriously, are these women’s lives that small that these little moments of nothing are all that they have going on?  Gretchen is on board agreeing with Alexis that Tamra was so out of line bringing mace to the party until Alexis points out that it is the same bullsh*t as her doing the whole evil eye hat trick at Tamra’s party.  Well, hey, hold on there G says, the difference is that when G does it its funny.  Yeah, not so much, you’re both idiots.

gretchen 1 When I make mean spirited jokes it’s funny and don’t you forget it

And btw, what the hell is G wearing in her interview footage?  Did Miss Kitty have a yard sale?  That is some bordello ho-wear she’s sporting.  Something from the Gretchen Christine Beaute line probably.

gretchen miss kitty


Back to the boat and so far no one has tossed Vicki overboard.  Everyone except Vicki and her staff are having a few cocktails (although the staff looks like they could use a belt or two) and generally having fun (again, except for the staff that were forced to come along).

vicki 3Checking for a pulse…damn, I’m still alive.  I better be getting paid overtime for this shit.


Vicki continues to be a buzz kill and she wants to lead a discussion about the joys of insurance.  In between those scintillating sound bites she screeches at her kids not to drink too much because their father is a good-for-nothing raging alcoholic and they are turning out just like him.  Uhm…thanks mom?  What the hell is that?  Remember the good ol’ days when Vicki was the biggest lush at the party?

Fun Vicki 1Remember Fun Vicki?  We’re a long way from Lake Havasu now

Vicki thinks that her family doesn’t get her but the people at work do.  No, your family gets you, they just don’t like you.  And the people at work are paid to put up with you.

Spain is beautiful.  Too bad Tamra is about to mar the landscape.  Nah, I kid.  I’ve always found Tamra to be kinda hard and tight and plastic…but I have to say that the happiness she’s feeling on the inside is showing on the outside – I know, YUCK… but it’s true, she looks better or softer or something this season.  And I like her genuine awe and appreciation of travelling.  Now if she could just keep her trap shut.

Gretchen is putting the finishing touches on her parent’s 40th wedding anniversary extravaganza.  She’s bedazzled an old nightgown and added a lace doily for her mother’s dress.

gretchen 4Bedazzle & Behold

And then she rambles off a list of things to do for d-bag Slade.  He looks horrified at the thought of work.

gretchen 5You’re kidding right?  That sounds dangerously close to manual labor

Then, because Slade is a marketing genius (remember how he made Jo a superstar?), he comes up with an idea about buying boxes of tissue and MacGyvering them up with some homemade label on them with some stupid saying like Happy 40th Cry Baby.  With ideas like that it’s hard to believe Jo is waiting tables now.

gretchen 3STFU, I’m the brains in this operation


It’s new boobs day for Peggy!  As she getting prepped for surgery one of the nurses makes small talk and asks how old her kids are and I love it how people always have the rather astonished reaction about how young they are…translation = you’re kidding, an old bag like you has babies?  What did you have, a surrogate?  Ha!

peggy 2Yikes, did I really need to see that shot of acrylic boob juice?  What is this CSI: OC?

Dr. Micah scrubs in to give his expert opinion before the surgeon closes things up.  Really?  I guess Dr. Plastictits really does know who’s paying the bills.  I don’t know if a man should ever be given the power to make the decision about size.  That’s how you end up with these.

peggy 1aYou just know Jim picked these funbags out

Dr. Micah still thinks that left one is going rogue, but with the reassuring words, “this is as good as I can get it” it’s a done deal.  New parts, another 10 year warranty.

peggy 3Just what everyone wants to hear from their surgeon


Eeeek!  Peggy awakes in recovery and it’s not pretty,

peggy 1


While she’s doped up Micah gifts her some giant cubic zirconia earrings and all is good in Peggyville.


Next morning Vicki is back at work where she belongs and she scurries around the office cubicles annoying people, checking out the company T-shirts and laying the groundwork for sexual harassment suits.

vicki 4Granny just felt me up

Finally, the best part of the entire episode, a shot of Walter!

vicki 5Bow down to Walter, the biggest bitch on the block


Walter has come to the office with Vicki and when Donn stops in to pick him up Vicki is an ass and is just so busy that she can barely take the time to turn her head from her computer screen to nag Donn (she is far too busy to have Walter with her so goodbye).  Run Walter run!!!

vicki 6

What kind of an operation is Vicki running?  Is it a call center or something?  They just take sections of the phone book and start cold calling to bug people to buy insurance?  Why is everyone who works for her so young?  She says the people who work for her respect her.  I think it is more like they are being paid to be around her and they’ve likely been brought up to respect the elderly.  Vicki doesn’t operate in an environment of her peers, she surrounds herself with young people because Vicki can’t manage with people her own age.  No one in their 50s (or anyone over 30 really is going to put up with Vicki’s crap so she gravitates towards those she can dominate.  Blech.  I’m over Vicki.  I want drink with her boobs Vicki back from season 2.  And if I was that poor guy getting mauled by Vicki or that girl Danielle who got a ‘spanking’ for being bad…well, I’d be getting the tape from Bravo and making an appointment with Gloria Allred.  It takes a bitch to take on a bitch.

vicki 7You’re going down Vicki

 

Back to Gretchen’s Anniversary Extravaganza.  Holy cow, how am I staying awake through this episode?  *yawn*  The anniversary is actually very nice but BORING!  Man, don’t these women get invited to anything anymore?  The storylines are so thin that this is the third episode that we’ve had to hear about this freakin’ anniversary and it’s not even for one of the housewives, it’s for a set of parents who occasionally make an appearance.  LAME.  And doesn’t G have a brother?  Wouldn’t something like this Extravaganza call for the whole family to be a part of it?  Anyway, it was very nice, blah, blah, blah.  The best part was seeing that G’s mom hasn’t changed her hairstyle in 40 yrs.

gretchen 6When you find your look you stick with it

And it never gets old watching G’s dad swat smarmy Slade around (as in, ‘don’t step in that pile of Slade’)  and equating shooting yourself in the foot to being married to d-bag Slade.


Tamra is in Spain and she is…shopping.  Way to soak up the culture there gurl.  I think she says it best…

tamra 1You can take the girl out of Orange County but you can’t take the shopping whore out of me!

Sex-toy Eddie almost has to perform the Heimlich on Tamra when she chokes on her pinot  at the mention of the two of them having kids.  But like the good desperate middle-aged-clinging-to-her-youth-ho that she is, she pats poor stupid Eddie on the head and tells him that they will have beautiful children together.  Uh, Eddie, her eggs are fossils.  She’s telling you she’s 43 but in ho-speak that means she’s anywhere from 48 to 52.  Use her and lose her Eddie, save yourself!

tamra 2Gotta reel ‘em in (look how well that tactic worked with Simon)


Alexis shows up at Peggy’s to check in on her dear friend and see how she’s doing after surgery.  She’s actually really there to make sure that Peggy’s new boobies are hideous in comparison to hers.  *lol* I love it when Alexis is a snide bitch.  Not only is it the second most interesting segment of this episode (Walter is still #1), but I think this is the authentic Alexis and I like it.

peggy 4Hey gurl, just thought I’d stop by to see how you’re doing, you look awful

Heeheehee, I love these bitches.  They hug it out like besties but Peggy interviews that she didn’t want to get gigantic cans like that Alexis because she wants people to look at her and not her chest (whatevah) and Alexis squeals about how fabulous Peggy’s new ‘twins’ look but interviews that she doesn’t want to be graphic but Peggy really should have gone to her doctor.

peggy 5I’m just saying…your boobies are hideous

And finally this episode clunks along to a close with Tamra trying to get some service at a market in Spain.  She is annoyed that she can get the service she wants immediately.  Hmmm, could it be that not everyone wants to be on camera, much less with you Tamra?

tamra 3Hey Chico, some service here now, don’t you know who I think I am?


*yawn* Yeah, I’m still here.  I will always watch my housewives but these OC gals jumped the shark a season or two ago I think…hope springs eternal I guess and maybe the next episode something interesting will happen.  The previews show Slade being a d-bag and Vicki wishing she was at work and bitchin’ about Donn…yeah, we’ve never seen that before…






About

ZipTheRip has the television viewing habits of a tween-girl with zero parental supervision.   Combining cynical wit with a flair for writing (winner of the prestigious Grade Three Best Writer in the Class Award) ZipTheRip has found an outlet for the inordinate amount of brain candy consumed through reality television.

26 Comments

  1. 1
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 12:38 am

    Walter ain’t got nothin’ on muthafuckin ICHIBAN!

    These Housewives all think they can make their maltese or chihuahua happen but I’m telling you, Giggy stole the show! Who cares if he spends his days sedated, mange-covered, and clad in a sombrero? Giggy surpasses any and every competition of a Future Foreclosure Lap Dog. Even when he slipped from the tepid grasp of an inebriated Lisa, Giggy didn’t lose his composure.

    I’m impressed.

    http://www.zimbio.com/Lisa+Vanderpump/articles/Haicj_OyKr7/Lisa+Vanderpump+Drops+Her+Dog

  2. 2
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 12:42 am

    @Ziptherip: Not only does Gretchen have a brother, I’m told she also has a sister. And while I haven’t seen the episode, I hear that at the ceremony, neither makes an appearance. Hmmm…

  3. 3
    Joy1333
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 5:17 am

    Great recap Zip!

    So, the way Gretch the Wretch built this whole “vow renewal” up, I thought it would be a big blow-out party with all her parents friends. WTF?

    Also, did you see Gretchen’s mother’s face when the Dad was giving her the ring? Looking at the Dad, all surprised and shit, like he did that special thing for her…….dont’ get me wrong, it was beautiful, and wise to reset a ring no one uses anymore, but that Mom thought that Dad did that special thing for her, there was such shock surprise and awe in her eyes when she looked at the dad in disbelief. I am sure Gretch the Wretch will never let her forget it was her ring first.

    I can’t even watch the Peggy stuff. It annoys me.

  4. 4
    sheesh
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 5:32 am

    I don’t think that Eddie (everytime I hear Eddie I think of Eddie Murphy “fuck you Eddie, you da fuckyou mahn”) is gay.
    What I do think is that he has a pussy personality and that he has tried to date women his age, but they drop him right quick because he is a pussy. So he dates older women (older superficial women) who just want to bang a good looking, younger dude. Oh I believe Tamra will marry “the fuckyou mahn” because she wants to show everyone that she can get a younger man to marry her.

    OH and another thing 3 years younger…ppphhht.
    5 years younger…I laugh.
    Those are not cougar standards. When you can pull 12 to 18 year younger dick THEN I may consider letting you know where we hold our meetings at.

    Vicki probably brought her employees so she could write the rental off on taxes.
    Jesus Christ! Poor Donn is just trying to be nice to her in front of the cameras and she just kicks him in the aggies everytime.
    She is going to get a rude awakening when Tamra gets married as she gets divorced and “the fuckyou mahn” won’t let Tamra go out with Single Bitch Vickster because he feels she is a bad influence.
    And she will be alone.

  5. 5
    Sunshine
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 5:40 am

    I was thinking the same thing about the vow renewal. Where are the friends and family? I’m sure the brother decided he didn’t like being on tv and I don’t remember ever seeing the sister. I agree with you Joy, Gretchen will probably always let her mom know it was HER diamond first. I was waiting for her to blurt it out at the ceremony. You could tell she wanted to.

    I read Peggy’s blog on the Bravo website. She said that almost as soon as she signed up to do the show Alexis changed toward her. It sounds like they aren’t friends anymore. I’m guessing those interviews were done later when the gloves came off and they hated each other.

  6. 6
    Wilma Fingherdu
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 5:50 am

    Love the recap, Zip! And beautiful choice of screencap for Peggy waking from surgery – haaaah! As she’s going into surgery, I was mumbling, “Your aftermarket cans are fine, get your grey snaggleteeth fixed!”.

    What IS Gretchen’s attraction to Slade The Barnacle? If she’s trying to disprove the Golddigger label, Slade is def the way to go – but why bother? Once she sees that Tammy (oops, I mean the more dignified-sounding TamRA) has scored higher on the PimpMeter, she’ll scrape off Slade and start again.

  7. 7
    what?
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 6:14 am

    Great recap!!!! I do not understand why Alexis is so bothered that Tamra brought mace to the party. I never once thought Tamra would ever actually use it and it was not even brought up until the end of the party. I thought it was really funny! No harm no foul. These women just have to always make a big deal out of nothing.

    As for the vow renewal – I thought a small ceremony was sweet – but I was waiting for the big party after. Didn’t understand all of her “hard, extremely hard and tiring work” for what we saw. Didn’t seem that much to me. While I see nothing wrong with resetting a ring from your past…why does the world have to know exactly where it came from (especially her mom)? I felt really, well not sure if I can put it into words other than embarrassed when Gretchen kept talking about the ring being from her ex. Dumb ass needs to learn when to keep her mouth shut.

  8. 8
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 6:29 am

    @Sheesh, 3-5 years younger does not a cougar make. It’s funny they go around bragging that they have younger men that really aren’t that much younger. In my opinion if you can check the same age box then you guys are on a level playing field.

    A cougar to me is a women that is dating someone so young that it makes her adult children uncomfortable.

  9. 9
    ohralphie
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 6:32 am

    OK, I will admit that it was a stroke of genius that Gretchen got the same pastor for the vows renewal who married her parents in the first place. BUT like everyone else, I was wondering where the hell is everyone? I recall on Gretchens first season (when she was engaged to the older dying guy – funny she was the marrying kind then, eh?) she went home and was surrounded by all sorts of family – siblings, nieces/nephews, cousins, aunts and uncles. Now – pffft, nothing.
    Either Gretchy is a cheap bitch/dead rich fiances money is running out OR her family cannot stand her. Either option is entirely viable.
    And I still want to know how Bobblehead can nail Elias ass for insulting Daddy Tom on the TC franchise but still cannot ask Slade about his deadbeat dad ways to his child with a friggin’ brain tumor.

  10. 10
    Isthisforreal
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Does anyone know what bread of dog Walter is? His face looks like a pug but not the rest of his body??

  11. 11
    LAC
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Zip,thank you for the recap. As I said elsewhere:

    Amen to the “boring” call –

    Tamra and her twat talk are boring. Newsflash, a good pounding will make you think that you found your “soulmate”. Enjoy the fucking and get off my TV already. Unless that fight with Jeana is soon, I could care less.

    Vicki is vile beyond belief – you are not their mommy. You are their boss and could at least respect some boundaries. I am so tired of watching her twitching while she clicks away at the computer as if some national insurance emergency is being averted. And as for Donn, he cannot leave that truffle hunting face fast enough.

    Gretchen – boring… go back to gold digging and giggling. This need to prove that you are seriously considering Slade Slimey is a snoozefest.

    Peggy v. Alexis – it is like a batte of the idiots. Instead of a catfight, we got a kitten fight. Over boobs…really? And what is it going to be next week, Peggy? Fear of rickets?

  12. 12
    trkaelin
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 8:19 am

    WTF is with Vickie telling people not to drink and to tone it down. I remember her getting all embarassed at Tamra’s antics on their little getaway. She has by far always been the biggest embarrassment with her loudmouth and “Woo Hoos” and spanking people who work for her. I can understand her ex being an alcoholic. And it’s true….. she’s always been the biggest lush of all. Hypocrite.

  13. 13
    paganchick
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Here is what I don’t get: If Gretchen wants to have kids why is she even with Slade? Not just the fact that he is a deadbeat, but didn’t he have a vasectomy? Seems I remember something about that and it played into the storyline of him trying to make Jo be a mother to his existing children? Did I dream that?

  14. 14
    2muchbravo
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 9:27 am

    I in no way, shape or form like Gretchen Christine, but WHY OH WHY is she with Slade Slimey? He’s got no money to mooch off of. He, apparently, doesn’t have a big schlong [though that's no guarantee of great sex ;-) ]. He’s a scumbag who doesn’t support his sick child. ANY woman is more deserving of an honest man who’s not going to leech off of her. If he doesn’t take care of his sick kid, what makes her think he’d take care of her if she got seriously ill? Have some self respect and dump his sorry ass.

  15. 15
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 10:57 am

    @Pagan, I do remember something about Slade have a vasectomy but I don’t remember where I heard it. I also read somewhere that he has another son we don’t hear about, older than Grayson, and possibly adult aged.

    Anyone have any info on this?

  16. 16
    marijai
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 11:37 am

    I expected Tammy Sue to go charging through the streets of Spain ala Teresa Guidice looking frantically for a Neiman Marcus, but the scene of the english speaking grocery man ignoring Tammy Sue was priceless.

    And what happened to Gretchen’s make-up artist/business partner Christine? Does Gretchen have her locked in the basement smushing cheap lipstick into tubes?

  17. 17
    Katiegirl
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 11:50 am

    I personally think Gretchen gets something out of people always telling her she is too good for Slade. I think it feeds her ego.

  18. 18
    Anastasia Beaverhausen
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 11:54 am

    Peggy looks like a jacked up Terri Hatcher. And that skeleton is NOT only 3 years older than her husband, she looks like she has a good ten years on him. I want to write more because I hate every single one of these bitches, but my toddler ripped off the O, H, L and Z on my keyboard so this is a pain in the ass and these ho’s just ain’t worth the trouble.

  19. 19
    what?
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Gretchen keeps losing in court….guess maybe Tamra was right all along.

    http://www.realitytea.com/

  20. 20
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    If Donn and Vickie the Twitch have taught us anything, it’s that families that drink and boat together… don’t necessarily stay together.

    (I love that face she makes–when she presses her lips together–when her family is completely disregarding her. It makes her look like some sort of anxious saltwater fish. Wearing giant sunglasses.)

  21. 21
    ubiquitous
    Posted April 14, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    (Isthisforreal)Does anyone know what bread of dog Walter is?

    Hot? *rimshot*

    Truffle Hunter spanking her naughty employee left me speechless, but she did it to her male employee who wasn’t wearing apporved underwear.

  22. 22
    mulecitybabe
    Posted April 15, 2011 at 8:24 am

    @sarcastire I remember when Slade was with Jo he had two sons living with him. One was a teen-ager and he played the guitar while Jo “sang”. lol If you could call that caterwauling singing.

  23. 23
    Dramaqn
    Posted April 15, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    It’s a testiment to what a great dad Donn is that Vicki’s kids seem so normal and well adjusted. Watching them all on the boat, they seem to have a real bond with him and act like adult children should around their parents. At some point, parents need to trust that they did a good job and just enjoy their grown up kids as peers who are deserving of that level of respect. Vicki seems to have no use for peers, only people she can henpeck, control and then recive validation for “mothering”. Since her kids seem to have grown up just fine, it almost seems like she resents them for not needing her anymore. Cut to her hiring an army of FamPloyees whom she’s able to henpeck and control because she’s their boss. I love how she was bragging about “hand picking each and every agent”. I’m sure OC has an endless supply of early twenties spoiled mama’s boys who think nothing of their boundry crossing jittery mommy/lover/boss as long as they recive a paycheck. Any time one of her slack jawed hairless AgentSons comes to her office for permission to take a shit I’m sure Truffle Hunter soaks through her chair. Office Depot must make a fortune off of Coto Insurance!

  24. 24
    mk
    Posted April 15, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    What is with Gretchen’s face this season? I can’t put my finger on it. Is it too much botox?

  25. 25
    maryedith
    Posted April 17, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    @mk I also think Gretchen looks bad this season but I think it’s that she wears way too much foundation. In general, though, I think it’s funny that all these women spend all their money on makeup, plastic surgery and clothes just to be accused week after week of lying about their ages. I guess nipping and tucking doesn’t make you look younger after all?

  26. 26
    JeanneOh!
    Posted April 25, 2011 at 9:48 am

    I think the only reason Donn stays with Vickie is because he loves her children, and they love him.

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