RHOC: Whine & Dine

What a clowncarcircusfreakshowmess the RHOC was this week, finally an episode worth watching!  Let’s jump in…

It’s the day of Peggy and Micah’s Extravaganza and Micah, when not polishing his Breitling watch or choosing a prtty Gucci jacket, is busy overseeing things in the kitchen and getting his Martha on to set the table and arrange flowers for the party.  He’s a real renaissance man isn’t he?  Gotta say though, girl sets a mean table.

Fauncy

Peggy is primping and getting her hair did by someone she refers to as a sister.  Hmmm I don’t recall seeing this ‘sister’ later at the party.  Maybe they really are related.

Hurry up and get my hair done you have to be out of here before any guests arrive and see the help

Across town Gretchen is getting her roots bleached and as always taking any opportunity to rag on Tamra (not that she ever talks about Tamra, its Tamra who talks about her!).  This time, in a classic tale of pot calling the kettle black, G is likening dating Tamra with setting yourself on fire.

Speaking of dating, Victor the friend/hairdresser (side note: what’s with the close relationships with these ladies and their hairdressers, they have to be elevated to family and friends?) wants to know when G and Slade are going to get married.  Teehee, check out the look on Victor’s assistant’s face when he asks.

Ha!  Good one Victor

Gretchen goes on at great length about how complicated the whole situation is what with Slade getting found out for being a deadbeat dad and now that’s reflecting poorly on her and what’s she ever done to deserve such a hard load to bear?  Aw, bless her gold-digging little heart, she does have it rough.

Its Eddie’s coming out party (insert your own joke here) and he gets to meet everyone including Vicki at Peggy and Micah’s Extravaganza.  Tamra tries to prep Eddie for the meeting by letting him know that Vicki’s crazy and she’ll either be rubbing up on him or abusing him (same thing really) but either way there will be much yapping and eye popping.

The ‘meeting’ itself is uneventful.  They stop to pick up Donn (who is two sheets to the wind as per required when spending time with his wife) and Vicki on the way to the party and Vicki gives Eddie a quick once over and decides he’ll do.

At the Extravaganza people start to arrive and Gretchen shows up sans Slade but has brought her gay as a seat filler.  His name is Jack (Victor was busy?) and he would like to be noticed by Bravo and tries hard with one-liners and snarky comments throughout the night.  He does have some rad shoes though.

Fabulous

Gretchen is suitably wowed by the décor and is struggling for words to describe her awe and appreciation.  And in this moment I am reminded of why I liked G in the first place (and she dresses like Jessica Rabbit too).

Peggy is wearing her new smackerdoodle earrings that she was rewarded with as part of the nightly blowjob/new boobs arrangement and G just got schooled.  I’m sure Jack will explain that to her later.

Smackerdoodle Earrings from the Tori Spelling collection, QVC $9.95

Alexis sweeps in wearing the latest Alexis Co…uhm, cow, uh cotru, uhm something and she has brought her gay Dylan with her because Jim is a very important business man and didn’t want to come but she came and that’s what’s important and don’t you forget it bitch.  You just know she and Jim were fighting and he’s pitched a fit, stomped his foot and refused to come.  They both probably wanted to wear the same dress and Jim lost.

Does this zebra make my ass look big?

The short bus rolls across the tracks and Tamra & Eddie and Vicki & Donn arrive.  In perhaps the best advice ever Tamra elegantly (eloquently?) cautions Vicki to not ‘show beef’ when she’s stepping out of the car.

Please wear pants.  This has been a public service announcement.

Peggy quickly catches the girls up and lets them know that Jim is not there because he and Alexis are fighting, and Slade is not there because he is a deadbeat dad who was raked over the coals in the media today and he doesn’t have the balls to face anyone tonight…but don’t tell anyone.  And btw, for your listening pleasure, I introduce to you, my friend, she’s like a sister, Sade.

 

Times are tough, a girl’s gotta eat

Tamra has never seen a stage she doesn’t want to hog so she takes advantage of a captive audience and pulls Eddie in front of the singer to show everyone how young and vibrant and hot she is and she can get a pretty man and look…insert tongues and mauling. *cringe*

The dinner bell rings and its time for Course 1, or should I say…

Scene 1 – Empanadas (?)
G’s Jack starts things off by calling across the table to Tamra as they’re all sitting down and asking her how much she is paying for Eddie’s services.  Now Jack, you are never going to get a job as a housewife if you don’t learn the difference between aggression and bitchy.  Anyone can slag on someone.  Bitchy is an art form.  Amateur.

But whatever the catalyst, it is on like donkey kong!  Tamra immediately turns to her right and tells Vicki that Gretchen called Eddie a Mexican whore and Vicki gets bug-eyed.  She turns to her left and tells Eddie the guy is ripping on him and Eddie says who cares?  She goes back to the right.

Donn is loaded and doesn’t give a shit and laughs out loud when Gretchen says that Slade can’t be there tonight because he is spending time with his boys like the good father he is.  He gets his mean girl on and whispers to his wife that G’s make-up job makes her look like Morticia Munster.  Vicki loves it and tells Tamra who squeals with delight (when not chewing with her mouth full) and Donn keeps it going by comparing Alexis’ Dylan with Pee Wee Herman.  Ok, this poor schmuck hasn’t done anything and just showed up because Alexis made him, not sure he deserves to be ridiculed.

There is a resemblance though

Scene 2 – Sea Bass Ceviche
Alexis has had enough of people not paying attention to her and without loud-mouth asshole Jim by her side to draw stares she’s left to her own devices so with a small gasp and slight clutch to the pearls she abruptly flees the table and waits for someone to follow.  Gretchen’s not very complicated and she knows her friend is having a fight with her boyfriend and now she’s in the girl’s bathroom crying so she’s going to be there for her and now she leaves the table too.

Scene 3 – Roasted Beet Salad
Vicki and Tamra start poking Pee Wee Dylan and scolding him for Jim’s not showing up and Alexis’ histrionics.  Micah gets on board and mocks Dylan for standing in for Jim and wonders if he is his stunt double.  Yeah, not such a funny line but people are getting hammered and Donn just about falls off his chair howling with laughter and Tamra screams and claps her hands with delight.

Man, these people are boorish.

Tamra wants to go and kick a bitch when she’s down so she grabs Vicki (who does her flappy-armed genuflection thing) and off they go to the girl’s bathroom too.

God forgive me for I am about to be a bitch

So now half of the guests are missing and Peggy’s getting pissed that these ho’s can’t keep it together for one freakin’ evening.  Did she ever watch the show before signing up?  Peggy leaves the table to see if she can salvage what she thought would be a chic evening.  She finds Vicki posted on lookout in the kitchen and Tamra with her ear pressed against the bathroom door.  She shoos Vicki and Tamra away, busts into the bathroom, tells Gretchen to get back to the table and tells Alexis to get her shit together and if she can’t then go home and quit hijacking and ruining the party.  Right on Peggy!  I am liking her, but I always like them in their first season.

Scene 4 – Sautéed Shrimp & Skirt Steak
Micah starts this course with a toast to old Vicki and Donn who have been married for sixteen long years.  That leads to some discussion about making it work for the sake of the kids and how important it is to be there for your kids and take care of them.  Naturally G feels this is a dig at  her (see she really is put upon and that kid probably got cancer on purpose just to annoy her) so she leaves the table AGAIN and totters off in search of the elusive Alexis.  The talk of kids continues and Vicki whinges that she wanted kids but Donn didn’t want them…with her.  Donn has enough liquor in him to tell her to STFU…

Wha?  Now you grow a pair?

By this point Vicki’s feeling her pinot but she won’t retaliate against Donn, she only preys on the weak, so instead she screams at Pee Wee Dylan’s lame excuse to leave the table to look for Alexis by saying he needs to help her freshen her make-up.  G is still holed up in the bathroom with Alexis and with Pee Wee’s assistance they help the delicate Alexis back to the table.  Alexis makes a point to announce to everyone that she has returned to the dinner party and please go on with your frivolity and fun while I sit in here in my misery…and really, don’t mind me, I’m ok.

If I could move my face you’d see that I’m really devastated

Eddie’s reaction to this announcement is great

wtf?

Scene 5 – Chocolate Port & Tres Leches
Alexis is drunk (she didn’t eat much since she spent dinner time in the bathroom) and decides there is no time like the present to let Peggy know how pissed off she is at her because Peggy didn’t shutdown her dinner party and attend to her in her time of need.  Clearly Peggy didn’t have her back.  (insert your own wtf here).  Peggy doesn’t back down and challenges her back saying it is Alexis who has not been around or accessible.  Alexis is affronted, she’s a busy woman you know, she is down to one nanny and she has a husband and she…uhm…she…hold on…she works out.  See, I’m very busy.  Surprisingly it is Tamra who jumps in to defuse this situation and she distracts Alexis by calling her pretty.  Alexis agrees with that and then chastises Peggy for getting on to such a topic in the middle of a dinner party, highly inappropriate Pegs.

Finally things are winding down and Sade is back to take them out with a song.  Gretchen and Alexis act the fool drunkenly stumbling around and screeching and reverting to their roots by giving some girl-on-girl action.  Vicki suddenly is pious and forgets her earlier sniping and screaming at Pee Wee and looks down her nose at those stupid drunken girls.

Throw money!

Vicki tells Donn and Tamra and Eddie that its time for them to go and they split.  Gretchen wants to celebrate their departure with Alexis and announces they need to go and pick up their men and go somewhere better to party.

This was a dinner party from hell that’s for sure.  Well done Peggy, all that was missing is…

I can see how you’re going to die and I love that about me

Thoughts?  Opinions?  What did you think of the househo’s this week?