Welcome back everyone! The shit show returns! Last week was just the beginning and the ladies are quickly going from “Besties 4EVA!” to “I’ll shit on your grave”. Why these bitches be so crazy?! ‘Cause it’s “Real Housewives of DC“!
We begin with Mic (Michaele) because it’s her birthday! She informs us she’s much older than we think! 104? No! 44! Oh. Yeah. That’s about how old I thought you were.
No. No, you won’t.
So of course Mr. Salami wants to shower her with gifts for her birthday so he gets her…
Oh. Nevermind. It’s a gay that has a bunch of shoes and purses and crap that she gets to “choose” from. Mic has a tough time trying to decide and convinces the Salami to let her pick several tacky things instead of just one. And then there’s one last surprise…
“Is it a car?! A life-time supply of Alli and cocaine?! A will to live!? Tell me!!!”
“I don’t get it. Am I suppose to eat it?! You know I don’t eat on the weekend! WORST BIRTHDAY EVER!”
So Mic climbs aboard her birthday present and after what seems like 10 minutes of racking her brain, decides upon the name “Sparkle!”. Which is hysterical since that seems to be the reason she can’t concentrate on anything – “OHHH! SPARKLES!!
And as for “Sparkle”…
And now we’re off to Lynda! She’s working away with her slave, KC. KC is also Lynda’s son’s girlfriend. Apparently KC is also a glutton for punishment. They’re reviewing houses for Lynda because her apartment isn’t big enough for the whole family. UMMMM… you live in an APARTMENT and you’re on this show?! Ew Lynda. Just EW. And she’s thinking about Virginia?! OHHHH MYYYYY GAH! Trash!
This is Mary’s maid, Rosa. She’ll be important later on when we find Mary’s dead body crammed into a closet with a dust buster up her ass. Luckily for her there’s not a jury in the world that would convict her.
Mary is proud to say that in order to communicate with Rosa she speaks “Spanish”. It gets kind of confusing.
So while Bravo puts up the subtitles of what Mary’s saying (in broken Spanish) I’ll go ahead and translate what Rosa’s THINKING…
Mary’s upset because her daughter, Lolly (if that’s her real name, Mary should be prosecuted), has moved back home and brought her giant dog with her.
Lolly says her mom’s upset because “she’s big, hairy and she poops everywhere…”
And she has the same issues with the dog! ZING!!! Good night everybody!
Time for everyone’s favorite uppity-bitch, CAT! She’s filling her daughters in on the polo match she attended and breaks the news to them that she “pinky-swore” to go horseback riding. One of her daughter’s is NOT pleased…
Loved her work in “Harry Potter” by the way.
Side note: You know there’s nothing but Marmite and herring in there. I’d cover my mouth too, kid.
The kids are shocked that Mummy’s going to ride a horse. How’s she ever supposed to do that with that giant burr up her arse already?! It’s going to hurt your bum, Mummy!
Cat then ditches the little rugrats and heads out to lunch with Mary. She tells Mary that she’s going horseback riding with Mic and asks her to join. Mary seems reluctant to join but when she realizes it means more camera time, SHE’S IN!
Mary then introduces Cat to Lolly, who’s working at the restaurant they’re in. Mary fills Cat in on Lolly’s dog and Cat comes back with, “I’m looking forward to when my daughter’s leave home!” OMG! They’re like 8 years old!!! HAHAHAHA… what a bitch.
She then goes on to say that if they stay home too long she’ll say “Excuse me! Time’s up!” Awww… she’s going to say “Excuse me”. She’s so polite. I hope she pre-paid for therapy for the kids.
And could you believe it when this bitch pointed to the bottle of wine and asked for more instead of just pouring it HERSELF?! This guy and Rosa should hatch a plan.
Cat takes an opportunity to lecture Lolly about taking care of her dog in front of Mary and it’s aaaaaawkward! I mean, I HATE saying this, but Cat’s totally right. BUT she definitely shouldn’t say something. It’s not her place. Instead she should just invite herself over and make rude comments about the dog hair and the dog shit. Give it time. Give it time.
Time to catch up with “Mrs. Sparkle” and her main-gay, Paul! Mic tells Paul what she named her horse…
“That horse is gonna get its ass KICKED out on the playing field.”
God his hair is AWFUL!!! I know someone pointed out that he’s not a hair stylist but come on. Boy looks like Lindsay Cok-han in the slammer. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I like my gays cute and coiffed from head to toe. ESPECIALLY if I’m paying them to advise me on style.
Mic asks who Paul wants to invite to his birthday party and he says he’s excited to decide who NOT to invite! Mr. Salami and Sparkle would be at the top of my list – but that could prove awkward. Maybe just tell her there’s going to be tray-passed appetizers and she’ll run screaming.
Over at Stacie’s house, she decides that the Sunday dinner she’s supposed to be hosting would be better at her Aunt’s than any other place. Yes. That’s a great idea. Invite Cat, who you already know to be insulting, over to your sweet Aunt’s house. Can’t wait to watch this train wreck! Stacie insists that it’s a good chance for the girls to see “where she’s from” and “enjoy a down-home black family sunday style dinner”.
If there’s a God, this is going to be Stacie’s Aunt.
Stacie says that she hopes Cat doesn’t come with her “English attitude”. Stacie, you have a better shot at asking her to leave her children in the car with the windows up than you do asking her to leave her attitude.
Mary and Cat are driving over to the Salami’s when Mary tells Cat that Mic used to be a make-up artist! WHAT?! GASP?! They’ve been… fraternizing…with….the HELP?! EEEEEK!!!! Cat’s totally slap the lower class right out of Mic when she sees her. Speaking of…
Good call. I hate it when my boots and chair-feet get dirty with grass. I declare! PS – Nothing says “Why did you invite Mary?!” like only setting out one extra chair!
Cat and Mary are LIVID that Mic is all snazzed up and they’re only wearing jeans. What a bitch! This could only get better if Mic invited “Vanity Fair” to come and do a photo shoot of their day. Mr. Salami comments that even when they went “riding with Prince Charles”, Mic insisted on wearing her “jumpers” even though she wasn’t riding!
(spits out tea) I WENT RIDING WITH… A FACE-PAINTING COMMONER?!
BTW – Way to be subtle when letting a fart rip, Cat. Ugh. Classless.
So everyone saddles up and Mr. Salami starts to teach them how to play Polo.
“First step. Shove your pretentious head so far up your own ass that you lose all sense of reality.”
Luckily all the ladies are masters at this and then get to the hard part. Cat gets a very calm horse which sucks because I would’ve loved to see a horse buck her back over the pond to where she came from. Mic, on the other hand…
Raise your hand if you have no fucking clue and love every minute of it.
After some rough riding, Mr. Salami brings out some “barrel-fermented chardonnay” for the ladies to try. That sounds gross. I can’t look at him and think of the word “fermented”. ICK. The girls all take a drink and Cat practically spits it out. Apparently there was no wine to be had so he served beer. Either that or it was…
I hope it was Mr. Salami’s fermented urine.
Time for some Paul Party Planning! Mic show’s up at a fancy place in DC and gets to work planning the event. Paul’s publicist starts off by saying it’s gotta be even better than the AMAZING party Lynda threw. Stakes are high Mic! As Paul would say…
“DON’T FUCK IT UP!!!”
Hmmm. Paul’s hair looks better than usual there. Anyways…
Mic’s taking the job, like, super seriously.
Over at Lynda’s, her slave is fetching just the right things for Lynda to wear to the dinner…
“See that purse on the very top shelf next to the live rattle snake and the jar of scorpions? Fetch it. NOW. Wait. Let me grease the steps of the ladder first.”
Everyone starts arriving at Stacie’s Aunt’s and…
OMG. I need to be invited to Aunt Francis’ house!!!!!!!! My ass just swooned.
And luckily for everyone – Cat is the first to arrive! And what does she do? FIRST thing out of her mouth – “I’D LOVE A DRINK… PLEASE.” Oh Cat. Really?
“This bitch has got SOME nerve. Imma cut her.”
Paul then arrives (because he’s clearly the 6th housewife) and Aunt Francis greets him while drinking scotch! THIS LADY NEEDS TO BE MY AUNT! No wonder Stacie wanted to have the party there!
Once Cat gets her booze she makes a crack to Paul about the wine being shit and then Stacie CALLS HER OUT ON IT! Officially love Stacie, officially hate Cat! Cat says she didn’t want to make herself “ill” by drinking bad wine. Bitch the only way wine would make you ill is if it came from the cup of Christ and it burned you all the way down.
Cat after she drinks from the cup of Christ. True story.
Next up, Lynda arrives with Ebong and all the ladies eat him up! And Mary arrives with Rich who looks like he’s going to eat everything up.
The men all take a break from the party and go downstairs to discuss Stacie’s husband’s idea for a “penile measuring device”. WHAT THE FUCK!?? A) Why would a grown, married man need this?! B) It’s called a fucking ruler.
“I just use a thimble. My penis is 4 thimble’s tall. What?! That’s a LOT of thimbles!”
Rich, of course, looks like he wants to shrink (pun intended) into a corner and die while the two giant black guys have a good chuckle. Meanwhile, Rich is locked down in a basement where no one can hear him scream.
Methinks this evening will not end well for him.
Back up at dinner, everyone’s enjoying themselves – except of course for Cat. Who is HORRIFIED when Lynda teaches her about the wonders of reusing oil to make other food, etc. Ok. Lynda just scored like 3,000 awesome points for doing that AND admitting to it. I totally hide my bacon grease in the back corner of my fridge. You’ve inspired me, you delightfully frigid bitch!
Everyone notices how Cat’s being such a bitch and then she even gets up to LEAVE EARLY! Umm – there’s peach cobbler for dessert!! WTF is wrong with you!? Oh – cause it’s not spotted dick?!?!
She’s a witch! BURN HER!!!!
Stacie wants to know what kind of stuffy, mean British home Cat was brought up in.
I can think of one.
Stacie says Cat probably feels uncomfortable because she was the minority in the crowd. Bullshit. Cat’s just a bitch. She’s not racist. She just hates everybody. So it’s only fair that we all return the favor.
The next day, back over at Mary’s…
The plot thickens…
It’s time for Paul’s party! And he’s getting ready over at the Four Seasons!
Fantastic. They hired Slash to do Paul’s hair.
HE SERIOUSLY JUST DOES THE MANY PHASES OF WHITNEY!!! Meet “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” Whitney!
Paul is frantically calling Mic trying to figure out where the fuck she is since his party’s starting soon. That’s weird. She seems so dependable.
Over with Lynda, she tells us that she believes in her “business” and that when you have a bad year, “you get down on you hands and knees and—” You know what, Lynda? I’m gonna stop you right there. There’s been enough rumors about what you do and I don’t want you incriminating yourself. And you’re certainly not making friends with the models that you just said “needed to have their teeth filed down.”
Lynda talks about going to Paul’s big birthday bash and how she’s a little nervous about there being “so many people”. But Paul has assured her that she’s sitting at a “really good table”.
PLEASE OH PLEASE let Lynda walk in to the party to see these are the people seated at her table!!!
Everyone starts to arrive at the party but Mic is still missing! Oh but wait! Here she is in a white stretch limo! Whew! Apparently she had to travel all the way from 1989. And there was a police escort! Wow. Certainly not the last time THAT’S gonna happen.
Paul arrives shortly after Mic and gives her a guilt trip for not being there earlier. But Mic says she had A LOT of things on her mind that day…
I’m guessing it looked something like this.
Stacie arrives and gives the well-deserved cold shoulder to Cat. Cat doesn’t understand why. Cat should probably watch the playback of this show when she’s cold and lonely one day in the near future.
The Salami’s decide to kick the party off by chopping off the top of a champagne bottle. And who do they aim it at?! LYNDA!!! Of course! Ugh. They totally should’ve aimed for Cat. Although I’m almost sure if they blew her head off it’d grow back with an even thicker accent.
Lynda! Where do you want them to shoot it?!
Just one “c” from being the most awesome subtitle ever.
So the Salami’s spooge all over Lynda and she’s livid but plays along mostly. Paul makes a nice toast about friends and how important they are to him. Awwww…. aaaaaand cue fight between his friends!
Lynda asks the Salami’s if there’s any such thing as “good Virginia wine”. ZING!!! What a bitch! Mr. Salami’s totally gonna make her drink his fermented “chardonnay”. So then Mic confronts Lynda about telling Paul that she has an eating disorder. UH OH. Happy Birthday Paul! I hope you wished for two bitches to play blood sports in the middle of your dance floor!
Lynda is completely wrong but sticks with it and tells Mic that she can say whatever the hell she wants. Gotta love her for that! And now she’s on a WARPATH OF REVENGE!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAUL!!!
And that’s it! What an episode! This season is off to a great start!!! What does everyone think?! I know there was a shit-ton of discussion in the last recap. Loved it! Hope I’m doing it justice for you all! Now let’s all talk trash about trash! Come on kids and DISH IT!