RHODC: Every Which Way But Loose

Recaps

By bBitz | Tuesday, September 21, 2010 | 3:30 pm | 52 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Real Housewives of DC, Recaps

Welcome back everyone! The bitches are back and there’s not an act of Congress that can stop this bubble from bursting! And why hasn’t anyone enacted a law against their insanity?! Cause they’re “The Real Housewives of DC” and we voted them into existence!

We begin with Cat paying a visit to Mary. They’re having a wine and cheese night!

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Glass #1 of 12. It’s a shame all that cheese is gonna go to waste.

Cat starts telling Mary about how she feels guilty about being a single mother (because Chaaaaahles is away so much) and it’s not easy…

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Love that Bravo finally gave up and started giving her subtitles. I do NOT want to use any effort / brain functions while watching this shit.


Mary goes into her dilehmma of trying to keep Lolly out of her closet. First of all, with Lolli’s husky voice and broad shoulders you’d think Mary would be happy to keep her in the closet. However, even though she has a bio-metric “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” lock on her closet – Lolli still gets in. Mary’s so out of it half the time I wonder if she doesn’t realize there’s a back door in the closet. It drives me NUTS that she bitches about this. Ya know what works? TELLING YOUR DAUGHTER TO BACK THE FUCK OFF OR SHE’S GROUNDED/KICK OUT.

Cat of course eats this up and calls Mary useless. I love that this Lolly-problem is brought up the week after she was accused of stealing. “My daughter would never steal! She only breaks into my locked closet and takes things that I’ve asked her not to! I’M A GOOD MOMMY!!! WHERE’S THE @$#% WINE?!!”

Mary then reveals that she has a sister that’s the same age as Lolli! UMMM white trash says what?!

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“What?”

Next up we join Stacie while she’s working at home and she gets a call from Mic about buying a house! Turns out she and the Salami wanna buy a house in the millions! Oooh! Stacie! Aren’t you excited?! You get to play…

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SO FUN! Regis Philbin himself tears up your real estate license in front of you!

Stacie says she’s all business and will handle this professionally.

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Clearly she’s professional. Because anyone else would’ve blurted out “How do you feel about bars on the windows?!” after Mic said that.

Mic says the last time they looked for a home, the Salami’s got slapped with a lawsuit by his own mother and had to postpone. I sooooo wish that Mamma Salami was on this show! It’d be great to watch her in action.

Now it’s time to check in with Lynda! She’s getting a new house and is concerned that Ichiban won’t be able to protect it! So she’s thinking about getting a German Shepherd. WHAT?!

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You know who could kick a German Shepherd’s ass AND Chuck Norris’ ass?! MOTHER FUCKIN’ ICHIBAN!

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“I SMELL…FEAR… and Purina!”

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But after while they simmer down and get to know each other…

Over at the Four Seasons, Stacie arrives at the Salami’s “apartment aka city home aka they’re probably squatting” and is super impressed by it. I’d just be impressed if someone doesn’t walk in and say “What the fuck are all of you people doing in my room?!”

It’s really funny watching this all play out when we already know what dirty, rotten, scoundrels the Salami’s are.

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“May I go to the bathroom please?…..Thank you.”

Stacie, bless her heart, is actually trying to get the Salami’s to tell her where they get their money from since the vineyard is obviously defunct.

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By the looks of that pearl necklace, I’m gonna say porn. ZING! (I get one of those per recap, right?)

So of course the Salami works his way out of answering that question and tells Stacie they’re looking for everything from a giant mansion to a condo. Mic is not happy about the condo reference and says “I’ll stay right here at the Four Seasons instead!” and then does that same dopey ass mouth-open look without saying anything…

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Does it remind anyone else of something when she makes this expression after making a joke?

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Now does it?

The Salami says size is very important because of the amount of bamboozling– er “entertaining” they do at home. Stacie says their needs are way out of line with DC. Also probably that the house will need to be purchased with real money and not empty promises. Speaking of, the Salami explains how he intends to buy the house…

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“Well there’s the usual things. Flowers, chocolates… promises I don’t intend to keep.”

Stacie says she needs two things from them. I’m hoping she says, “grip on reality” and “one honest fucking sentence” but instead she asks for their time-line and price-range. Mic comes out with “anything between 100K and 12 million. That might very well be the stupidest thing she’s said all season. Then the Salami says they plan on funding it through the “business”. OH FOR SHIT’S SAKE. RUN, STACIE, RUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!

Back over at the British invasion household, shit’s getting real. Cat gets a phone call that one of her close friends passed away. Which is of course really sad and also shocking that Cat’s registering emotions that require heart/sympathy. Maybe the Bravo producers killed the guy to make Cat more likable. I know – that’s awful to say. This is Hollywood. That would never happen. I’m sure it was “an accident”.

She then relies on her girls for support because Chaaaahles is God-knows-where. Mary makes a call to her and offers support as well. That’s nice. It was actually a sweet moment. Very touching. Let’s see how fast we can escape from this “real” moment…

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Cut to: Lynda bringing an astrologer to her house to rid it of evil karma with burning sage. Done and done.

Oh Lynda. You’re a surprise at every turn. Who would’ve thought she’s so spiritual and witchy. Well… spiritual anyways. She ends up walking around her new house with burning sage and waving it and smudging it everywhere. Riiiiiight. She waves it in front of her fridge so she won’t gain weight. You weight like 12 pounds Lynda. Maybe think about waving it around Ichiban’s dog dish instead.

Lynda then does a Jewish house blessing outside because, although she was raised Southern Baptist, she converted to Judaism when she was 20. Well that makes total sense – she’s funny, loves food and guilt trips. Wait… but she also loves BACON. OY THE INSANITY! And then she throws holy water everywhere. LOL. WTF religion are you?! Let’s just go with “Religious Mutt”.

Speaking of mutt’s…

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I’m pretty sure Ichiban blessed the house first.

Back over with…

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It’s a white limo. Do I really have to tell you who’s inside it?

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Here’s your hint.

So Stacie joins the Salamis in their white chariot from the 80′s and they start touring around to look at possible living places. Which is pretty fucking pointless it seems because they’re just pointing at random houses as they whiz by. That’s odd. Is it because no one wants them on their property?! To be fair it’s only because those people didn’t have enough time to hide their silverware.

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Why is he always wearing those friggin’ jackets?! Is he working as a concierge part-time?! Although, that wouldn’t be the worst idea. Probably should start making money some how.

While Mic keeps pointing at houses that are about 600% over her price range, Stacie blatantly says “We need you to present documents of your income to make sure you pre-qualify to see these houses.” Good for her!!! Keep it real!

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If she holds them to it I’m pretty sure this will be the only house they’ll be able to afford.

Stacie even asks them about the vineyard and what all the rumors are about. The Salami ADMITS the rumors are true about his mother suing him over it! WOW. Stacie says she hopes he can heal those wounds and the Salami pretty much says his mother can eat shit. Stacie is appropriately horrified in general and really wants nothing to do with this.

Over at the Mary and Mr. Mary household, they’re discussing the “free mall” that is Mary’s closet. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??! GET OVER IT!!! Is this really THAT big of a deal or are the producers digging that deep for a story with this family. Luckily Mr. Mary is as over this subject as we all are.

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“Remember when I found you interesting? That was fun.”

At Stacie’s house, she’s making dinner (have we seen Mary make one meal other than wine and cheese?) and Jason walks in from work and starts asking her about her search for her real father. Ugh. I hate it when it’s so obvious that the producers said, “Jason – walk in and ask her about her father and discuss.” They should’ve said, “Jason, Stacie was banging the Salami today, go discuss.” It’d be so much more interesting.

Jason wants Stacie to let him contact her real brother on Facebook and fill him in on the whole “Guess what?! You have a black sister!” thing. Oh Facebook. Does your fantasticness know no end?! I really hope he does it by posting it on his wall. And I really hope her brother doesn’t have the group “Mel Gibson is right!” liked.

At one point their kid makes an appearance and they quickly shoo him away. I have a feeling they don’t want the kids anywhere near the cameras which is a pretty great idea. Just like Mary and Cat! (note sarcasm)

Back at Lynda’s apartment, she’s sporting her “Pretty Woman walking through the lobby” trench coat and using KC (resident slave) to help her get dressed and “poof” her.

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It looks to me like she’s doing a fine job “poofing” herself.

She actually says (in reference to her jacket), “Every time I go to the ladies room I think, ‘Gotta poof!’” REALLY?! Oh Lynda. You do the work for me. Now she just told her sons to make sure they “poof <her> throughout the evening!” Hysterical. I just poofed.

So Lynda, Cat and Mary all attend the “Men Against Breast Cancer” event that Lynda helped put together. Awesome! Good job Lynda! Wow – everyone’s really becoming human in this episode. I feel like it’s that point in every movie where everything is starting to go well so that you just know the shit storm is right around the corner. (Speaking of, has anyone seen “The Road”? That movie was that feeling for 2 hours except it actually did get worse and worse. I almost used a the last bullet on myself.)

The event is a men’s fashion show. But don’t tell Mary that…

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Six glasses of Chardonnay down and she’s convinced she’s at “Thunder Down Under”.

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And look who made it!!! It’s “Queen of the Night”Paul!!!

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I mean seriously. This is right out of “The Bodyguard”.

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DO…I…LIE?!

Then suddenly Mary sees Lolly across the room with HER clothes on! What?! First of all, WTF is Lolly doing there without Mary or without Mary seeing her beforehand? They just went to this event separately? Odd. Secondly…

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How awesomely hammered is Mary right now?! She’s got a Chardonnay IV drip.

Cat thinks the whole thing is laughable and for once – she’s right. OVER IT!

Just when everyone’s having a grand ol’ time, a friend of Lynda’s comes to visit the table. Unfortunately he’s a look-a-like to the friend of Cat’s that just passed away and she gets really upset when she sees him.

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OMG. Did Wes Anderson die?!

Luckily the Wes look-a-like is really sweet and not all too creeped out. All ends well.

Later on in the week, Lynda sits down to have dinner with her family. The subject of America’s drinking age gets brought up and Lynda’s daughter babbles on about how the law should be changed to lower the drinking age…

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“Blah blah law blah smart talk blah blah clandestine.”

But I think Lynda’s son makes a compelling counter-argument…

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“FOOD…EAT…GOOD.” Brilliant.

Then Lynda adds, “And while we’re at it – let’s legalize pot.” First her love of bacon, then Ichiban, NOW THIS?! FAVORITE HOUSEWIFE EVER!!! DONE. Seriously. I want a Lynda talk show when this is all done.

Over at Chateau Britannica, Cat’s children are playing therapist for her. You would think that dumping raw emotion and the subject of death on an 11 year old would be messed up but her kid handles it like Oprah and just listens quietly and asks poignant questions. What the what?!


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“Mmm hmmm… And how does that make you feel? And don’t say bitchy, Mummy. We know that already.”

Her kid is seriously a 40 year old woman in a child’s body. She literally gives the advice “Just go with your gut instinct.” I’m confused. Does this mean Cat’s a good parent?! What is up with this episode?! I can’t handle it! Can someone please flip a fucking table already?!

We then visit the Mary family while they host the Stacie family for dinner. Mary and Mr. Mary applaud and thank Jason for his defense of Mary during the wine dinner shit show. She compares him to a rooster…

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I have to check but I’m almost sure TVgasm paid her for moments like this.

(Most shocking though is that Mary made a meal!!! Which of course means the trash is filled with take-out containers.)

Stacie then talks about how she’s surprised at the Salamis and how they’re different from what she first thought. Mary then fills her in that they’re nothing like what they appear to be, have an awful track record and the Salami was a “punk” when he was younger. Uhhh – and this is just getting brought up now?! Bitch you went horseback riding at their house a month ago! On the other hand, Mary sticks up for Mic and says she’s in a co-dependent relationship. Yeah. With his “money”.

Speaking of… the Salamis are off to “their” vineyard to pay a visit. Mic says that it used to be the “happiest place on earth”.

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I can see that actually.

Mic then tells us all about the tragedy of the Salami family and how everyone argues and it breaks her vapid lil’ heart. And she’s really hoping for a better future at Oasis with— cue sirens aaaaaand…

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“LUUUUUCY! I”M HOOOOME!!!”

Turns out the Salami’s mother called the cops and sent them over there to arrest them for trespassing. OH HOW I WISH SHE WAS ON THE SHOW!!! But until then, this is how I imagine her…

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“GET OFF MY LAWN!!!”

And although the Salami is no Clint Eastwood, Mic is pretty close to being his monkey…

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“Everyone has to get along or I’ll never get my 12 million dollar mansion… BWAHHHH!!!!”

I think “Every which way but loose” is a great way to describe these two slippery suckers! Ironically Mic asks what people get out of making fun of others. May I suggest a job at TVgasm? It’s quite fulfilling and you might finally be able to afford that shithouse!

And that folks – is it! What did everyone think?! Yet again not much happened (FML) but it looks like next week’s episode has things firing up! So hollah back y’all! Let me know what you all think – of the shit show, the desperate housewives, the recap… and maybe not so much what you think of each other. Let’s all be real housewives and save that for behind each other’s backs. The way Jesus intended – just ask Lynda. KISSES!!!

About

Bbitz grew up in a small town with big values and moved to a big town with small values. This has a created a bitter, sarcastic and threatening tone that makes his recaps a delight for all to read. Bon appetit!

52 Comments

  1. 1
    jiggyrodents
    Posted September 21, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    Every time Stacie gingerly danced around the “financing” issue with the Salami’s, I kept wanting to yell at the screen, “RUN, THEY’RE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!”

  2. 2
    urfavegirl
    Posted September 21, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    This show must be bad when I forget to watch & don’t even realize I missed it until the recap is posted!

  3. 3
    sheesh
    Posted September 21, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    I almost “poofed” my pants when I saw the eyepatch on Tareq. Great recap BBitz.

  4. 4
    Bahu Rupiya
    Posted September 21, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    I dumped a massive rant about this show on the forum here in the General section, (which seems to have mystically transmogrified into the DC section) but don’t bother reading it. It is nowhere near this funny.

    Oh, you know who else does that “dopey ass mouth-open look without saying anything?”

    Fergie the Duchess of York, that’s who! I bet you a mess of Genuine Swarovski Glass Pearls that Michaele’s dopey ass mouth open gambit was inspired by the Duchess.

    Speaking of pearls, did no one ever tell her the Rule of Strands? Until you’re thirty, it’s one. Between Thirty and Sixty, you may wear three. Only after your sixty-first birthday may you wear five, and after your seventy-sixth birthday, you may wear seven, but only to go to the opera.

    Of course those frumpy Windsors trash this Rule all the time, which is further proof that Fergie is Michaele’s facial expression role model.

  5. 5
    whoochile
    Posted September 21, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    “You know who could kick a German Shepherd’s ass AND Chuck Norris’ ass?! MOTHER FUCKIN’ ICHIBAN!”

    you are brilliant! this was amazing! all the little extras, like the mouse ears and bow tie, the eye patch, I think I love you. I also love your love and respect of Ichiban and Lynda. Please, we must have more of them. How about only shots of drunk Mary, Ichiban and Lynda and nutso salamis, I can do without stacie, but I do appreciate cat. Ok more Cat. How can anyone not love this show?

  6. 6
    ninad
    Posted September 21, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    anyone else think the whole Mary’s closet issue keeps getting brought up because Mary loves to talk about how she’s the same size as her young daughter?

  7. 7
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted September 21, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Great, great, great recap, Bbitz! I loved the bowtie and mickey mouse..hilarious!

    I am also enamored with Ichiban and am a religious mutt just like Lynda. I practice candomble, douse myself in potions blessed by santeria priestesses, read my horoscope AND rising sign, and can’t resist a good tarot reader. I’ve been lax as of late, but whenever there is a big decision or I need a little direction, I consult every source I can. I also was raised Southern Baptist, if that means anything.

    Enough with the biometric lock! I said on last ‘cap that maybe Mary didn’t jump to her daughter’s defense because she was like, “Well, she does like to take things without asking..” Plus, there was that facebook status heard round the world. So, what do we know, exceot how tired we are of hearing about the lock? especially when Mary then forgets to close the door! It’s like that stray cat in the backyard you occasionally throw scraps to, but you can’t ever leave the door open or he’ll sneak in and blow diarrhea everywhere. Not that I would know, or anything…

    Didn’t we love when Stacie asked for a range and Tarq said “Up to 8.” Haha..she’s thinking $8 million, but he couldn’t even afford $800,000. Let me tell it, he meant eigtht-ee. Yep, he was looking for a house for less than a hundred bucks and looks like BBitz found it!

    The Four Season suite…gimme a break. Didn’t Paul Wharton also have his bday party there? So, now we know who is paying for less than subtle product placement this season. The way they shot that suite was unlike any scene shot in the ladies’ homes, it was like a virtual tour. So, kudos, Salamis..Bravo finagled a way for you to appear rich while also allowing every consistency in your story to be broadcast to the world. Jokes on you!

    BONUS: I found a pic of Corrine Salaha: Mother Dear
    http://media3.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/photo/gallery/091221/GAL-09Dec21-3402/media/PHO-09Dec21-194702.jpg

  8. 8
    Bionic Television
    Posted September 21, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    OMG THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS REFERENCE IS GOLD

  9. 9
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 21, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    I also loved the “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” reference @ Bionic Television, especially because I actually really do think of that movie when watching the Salami’s maneuver yet another “hosting” gig.

    I so LOVED that your screencap captured the janky dinged up limo. I’m betting there was still Junior Cotillion puke drying under the floor mats from the night before.

    Awesome, awesome recap BBitz, I’m going to bed laughing and that’s a good thing! Thanks for sticking with us! :)

  10. 10
    marijai
    Posted September 21, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Great recap BBitz! :-)

  11. 11
    kdfinjpn
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 2:37 am

    My fav was the Beauty and the Beast reference!!! Love it!!! Great recap.

  12. 12
    Wasabipeas wasabipeas
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 4:39 am

    AWESOME-EST RECAP EVER!
    Laughed ’till I cried!!!
    UR A GENIUS!!!

  13. 13
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 5:27 am

    So, I’m sitting in the airport board and decided to peek into a few mags I have no intention of paying for. Teresa was on the cover and addresses the ‘love child’ rumor but she says the rumor was that Juicy had a child with her sis-in law! I never heard that one! Well, she went on to say she would never accept cheating and the last time she was cheated on by a bf, she gave the girl a black eye! (of course, the boy remain unscathed) there is a pic of Tree in kindergarten and I swear, if this pic wasn’t taken on Ellis Island…

  14. 14
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 5:30 am

    Oh, and just read on bside that tamra had Simon arrested for domestic violence because he tossed a dog leash at her. Seriously?

  15. 15
    Baxter
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 6:09 am

    bBitz awesome recap!!!! I don’t watch the show anymore but always enjoy your recaps. The captions are amazing. Love the salami pic.

  16. 16
    skatt
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 8:02 am

    Sarcasatire: Maybe Tamra was offended by the overly-symbolic nature of it.

    Great job Bbitz!!!!

  17. 17
    jaimesommers
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 8:16 am

    That GSD puppy was soooo cute.

    I would watch a show featuring JUST “Ichiban-Ripley cam” for hours–who’s with me???

  18. 18
    LAC
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Laughing like a MOFO in my office with this recap. Every picture is inspired, especially of the Stilloweme’s and of “Mary, Mary, why you drunk, girl?” (cue my 80′s hip hop music). Does that child ever not have a glass of wine in her hand? She makes Kim of RHOA seem sober. And still loving the Lynda – I want to eat bacon with her, burn sage while drinking bourbon with her…I got a girl crush on this lady. Having lost someone dear to me a few months ago, I feel for Cat – especially when you see someone that looks like them. It can be like a punch to the gut.

    Poor Stacie – Lawd, chile…RUN!! She was so sweet and professional, being driven around by Mr. and Mrs Grifter, trying to get them to state where the money is coming from. My question to them would be: when the rich whale checks into the Four Seasons, who is going to play the royalty in hiding who needs funds for to get back on the throne so wrongly taken from them? Because that is where the funding is coming from…

  19. 19
    skatt
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 9:35 am

    I liked the part of the interview where Mic referenced Corrine as “The Mother”. Also, when The Salami is with the Police, he says something to the effect of, “She’s just jealous/ she’s jealous”. These people are, to quote Mensa-Member, Super-Model,Writer, Photographer, and Mother, Kelly Kelawhatever BeneIforgethowtospellit: CREEPY.

    Poor Stacey. I hope the Salamis quit with the “House Hunting” . I know it makes for freakin’ awesome television, but she has to deal with the professional end of being the one that lets these douchebags in peoples homes. And if anyone ever had “kleptomaniac” written on their foreheads……….

  20. 20
    Alison Z
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Great recap as always BBitz! What is up with the housewives and smudging? I almost pissed my pants when Lynda broke out the Holy Water! But I do have a questions-why would a practicing Jewish person, have Holy Water?? I still F-ing love her house!!

    Ok Mary, if you don’t want Lolly taking your clothes, shut the fucking door dumbass! I mean, come on! You bought that expensive biometric lock-which actually do not work all the time-used to have to use one in the pharmacy-you even told Rich you forget to close the door, and that is how she is getting into your clothes!

    I felt so sorry for Stacie this episode. She looked like she wanted to jump out of the limo! I am not so sure how I feel about contacting her brother via facebook though….I would seriously have to think about that one, alot.

    Oh, and I hate the Salami’s!

    I also felt for Cat this episode! I know what it is like to loose a person very close to you, unexpectedly. I also know what it is like to be intorduced to someone, that looks exactly like a loved one that you lost. Sometimes those emotions just hit you, and call you can do is cry.

  21. 21
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 10:04 am

    @Bbitz, Awesome recap!!! The Beauty and the Beast reference is priceless.

    I am glad they started with the subtitles for Cat. It always sounded like she had marbles in her mouth. I wonder what it sounds like to the Brits.

  22. 22
    tvaholic
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Great recap BBitz!!

    Did anyone else find it odd that the Salamis drove Stacie around? Shouldn’t the realtor do the driving since she knows where the available houses are? Then again, I think they must drive around in the limo until another hotel suite opens up they can break into, a la table-jumping at the Black Caucus dinner.

  23. 23
    LAC
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 10:49 am

    tvaholic…riiiight? I know, what is with that “Prom Night” shit with those two? I think you are right about using that limo to pop out of and bamboozle some hapless desk clerk into giving them a suite…

  24. 24
    skatt
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    LAC/tvaholic: Last week, someone posted that Washington Post weekly blog on our ladies that said the Salamis “used to” own a Limo service. So, I’m guessing that’s where The White Limo O’ Luxury (I named it something else last week and have already forgotten) came from. I know whenever I run a company into the ground, I like to make off with a little something to remind me of all my hard work.

  25. 25
    ohralphie
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    I understand Stacies curiosity about her birth parents — but I can’t get behind her contacting her biobrother against her bio mothers wishes. What good will it do? The biobrother won’t know the identity of her biofather. It seems that this is more of a tactic to punish the biomother for not telling Stacie who her biodad is/was.

    I see both sides of this story, but can’t help but to wonder where does one persons right to privacy end to accomadate someones elses curiousity?

  26. 26
    LAC
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Skatt: Who doesn’t like a memento of financial ruin? Good thing they didn’t own a charter plane business, or you would be treated to exterior shots of a single engine plane landing in front of the W and those two idiots sauntering into the lobby, in their matching Ameila Earhardt outfits.

  27. 27
    tvaholic
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    @ohralphie-it’s going to be a bioHAZARD!! Ar ar ar!! (But I do agree, bad idea)

    @skatt-true, and all the grapevines are done dried up. Too bad they didn’t have one of those limos with a hot tub, then they’d have their indoor plumbing for their new home. And was it the Beverly Hills 90210 limo, or was a different poster?

    @LAC-Haha! I could see it now, a little 4-seater landing at the Four Seasons!

    They should sell T-shirts for money-”I ran my family business into the ground and all I got wasthis lousy white limo!”

  28. 28
    truthsquad
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    Did anyone else notice how scratched and beat up the limo was? I suspect that most of their belongings are a little “well worn” and close ups are best avoided. In a genre populated by wanna-bes and delusional fame whores, they stand out as being the worst offenders of all. Yuchh!

  29. 29
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 4:18 am

    In Hong Kong airport and I got 30 mins free internet with my food purchase. Score!!

    @truthsquad: speaking of ‘well worn’ did anyone notice how withered Mic looked in those Four Season shots with Stacie. Her face was a myriad of fine lines, cracking deeper and deeper with every forced smile. Eeewww…

  30. 30
    Robin Robinez
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 4:58 am

    Love,Love Loved it bBitz :-) Thanks too much :-)

    Did anyone else beside me notice all the dent’s in the Salami’s Limo?

    TC,Robin

  31. 31
    kdognatl
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 5:10 am

    Excellent recap BB! Hilarious! I too fell in love with Lynda this episode after she said they should legalize pot, to her kids, lol.

    @ Ohralphie totally agree about Stacie contacting her brother on facebook. Not the right way to do that. It’s sad her mother will not tell her, but contacting the brother couldn’t possibly help.

  32. 32
    ohralphie
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 5:44 am

    Yeah bio hazard is right. Stacie should remember that these people are not her mother, brother or father. She has a family and that would be the people who raised her, lived with her, love her.
    Using Facebook as a way to be punitive….way to be Salahi, Stacie!

  33. 33
    skatt
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 7:54 am

    AlisonZ: The whole Mary’s closet thing bugged me too. Although, I have to take up a bit for ol’ Lolli-Pop. If my Moms closet was a Holy Grail- like assortment of every awesome store known to man, I’d stage a Oceans 13 style heist on it too. But, it’s a long way from taking your Mom’s clothes to La Grande Theft Auto. Which as The Salami told us, “Is VEEEEEEry Serious”- he totally sounding like Elmer Fudd when he said that.

    That said, put a Spring- closure on the damn door, and it will close itself. Done.

  34. 34
    chemgal
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 7:56 am

    @ohralphie, I’m wondering if that scene between Jason and Stacie was planned as a way of sending a message to the birth mom. They seem to classy to really approach the brother that way and I’m thinking they knew while taping that this was her “storyline” and that by letting the birth mother know how easy it would be to disturb her life if they were to choose to do so, she may rethink her stance on denying Stacie’s existence.

  35. 35
    chemgal
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 8:06 am

    @skatt I too am bugged by the closet. by putting a biometric lock on the door and then forgetting to shut it, Mary has made a game out of it. I understand that kids do things that seem inconsequential to an outsider, but can drive a parent crazy so the parent makes that their line in the sand (mine is my kids using our main staircase as a resting area of all their stuff) I played the game with mine for a while and yelled and threatened. They continued. So, now if its left there – its gone. I’m sure it bothers Mary that her clothes are borrowed and judging by how Lolly takes responsibility for her life and dog, I’m betting they never get properly cleaned or returned to the closet. I’m betting Mary has to go find the item and takes care of cleaning/repairing/returning it to the closet. I don’t think any parent should ever have to lock up (except for a gun) any of their stuff in order to be assured their child doesn’t touch it. There are some boundary issues there that will take more than a lock AND as the parent, its Mary’s job to identify it and fix it.

  36. 36
    tvaholic
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 8:38 am

    I too think there’s a big difference between wearing your mom’s clothes without asking & stealing a car. I think Lolly knows there are no consequences, so why would she stop? If I wore the same size as my mom & she had all that cool shit, I wonder what I would do. Okay, I would ask first, but I think now it’s turned into an infantile game for her. And seriously, you get a biometric lock & then “forget” to close the door all the time? Maybe someone should wait until 5 before she starts un-corking the Chardonnay!!

  37. 37
    lfl113
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Soooo…I’ve never said anything on the site before but I read the recaps cause they’re so gosh darn funny. Anyway, I just wanted to share that I was flipping channels today and wound up on Maury. It was one of the shows where they do makeovers for wives and who should also be on the stage with Maury as “experts”? Ramona, NeNe, and Danielle!!!! Whoa.

  38. 38
    skatt
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 9:48 am

    Tvaholic/CHemgal: I was actually thinking maybe the locks original intention wasn’t more for the safekeeping of expensive jewelry (joorey-hi Twunty!) with the added bonus of it keeping The Loli out. Then, when the show started, it just became a: “Look, I’m so R-I-C-H, that I have one of these thingies on my closest, which heavens to betsy, I can’t even remember to activate half the time because I’m so buzzed, I mean BUSY.” Busy. Yes, busy.

  39. 39
    Alison Z
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 10:27 am

    @skatt-lol! I agree with that! I mean, when I was that age, I didn’t want to wear anything of my mom’s! Not that I am old or anything. But now that my mom and I are the same size, no, I don’t think that I would want to go through her closet still! Love my mommy :) but no, now she does have a piece of joorey that I do want! and she knows it, maybe someday…For me it was always sister that kept me out of her closet/bedroom.

    @lfl–Welcome! What?!?!? How did I miss this? Ok now, I can see Ramona, but the other 2 bitches? yeah I wouldn’t take any advice from those 2! I personally think RoRo looks good for her age!

  40. 40
    thiajok
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Thank you for doing this so I don’t have to watch. Hilarious!

  41. 41
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 11:44 am

    lol @skatt! Buzz-y…

  42. 42
    LAC
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    skatt – LOL!! Maybe Mary should store her wine in that closet with her clothes – ’cause you know that shit would be locked up! She would be pacing the floor outside of it, counting down to noon, when she can start drinking wine. Lolly wouldn’t stand a chance!

  43. 43
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    Alright bitches, the pool next door had really fucking cold water – so I’m bulldozing my way back into the party. Give me a damn party hat, a bag of Tootsie Rolls, and let me jab that donkey in the ass with my velcro dart gun….

    First things first, I hate Teresa! Who’s with me?

    I am all over the biometric closet lock because I’m a gadget freak and I think that shit is way cool. Mary has some really awesome clothes, and if I were Lolly I would be all over it – I mean Andrew M from “Kell on Earth” did it with his mom, and look how great his life turned out!! I think Mary likes the closet drama because it gives her something to talk about when Rich comes home, and they cork their 5th bottle of pinot noir – you can only reminisce about Lolly selling adverbs at her Adverb Stand for so many glasses of vino, people. Anyway, I think that’s where they keep their recreational drug stash, because I KNOW they have one! Note to self: Finagle dinner invite to the Amon’s.

    I love Stacie and Jason more and more with every episode, but as I posted on the forms last week – that whole FB plan is a baaaaad idea!!! Although, I have been having lots of fun trying to come up with the most hilarious way to PM your unwitting bio-bro over FB to let him know he has a sister, and she looks a lot like mom, but has dad’s coloring.

    Watching her trying to worm the truth out of the Salami’s should be written as an addendum to Emily Post, because that girl is a master of subtlety and etiquette when it comes to the Holy Grail of sniffing out grifters, “Where the fuck is your money coming from you free-loading, party-host faking, grocery-store grape-stomping, house-borrowing, horse-borrowing, hair-extension scamming mother fuckers?”

    Is it bad that I found Cat’s pronunciation of cravat the most interesting thing about her this episode? Ummm… OH! But it was funny when she was ripping on Mary at the BC dinner. I think her daughters are weirdly adult though, and I think the older one might be slightly more on the ball than Oprah (Dear GOD people, do NOT look under those seats – after last week they need some fumigation and… oh, fuck just burn the theater down after dousing it with Holy water).

    I’m into the whole sage smudging, but only because it totally wipes all evidence of a smoky-treat cheat from my house in under 10 seconds. Lavender bundles work too! Do you think Stacie and Jason will give her a Penis Measuring Device as a house warming gift? Bets? Anyone?

    The Salami’s are ridiculous, and my hero of the season is Mommy Salami. I don’t know how much more can be said about these people, other than I call total BS on the MS. Unless it stands for Mommy Salami; as in my Mommy Salami is about to annihilate my ass.

    I think I’m going to kick back and drink a Singapore Sling, and watch “A Cry In The Dark” – those nutty dingos; who knew they ate tasty, tender babies?

  44. 44
    Alison Z
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    Umm I missed the Oprah thing, and I guess I don’t want to know right?
    @Pcheez- the whole lock on the door thing would totally work if Mary shut the fucking door when she was done! I am totally with you on the I Hate Teresa!! Can I be your date with dinner at the Amos’ house? I will be the DD! I don’t drink anymore, so it will be all the fun! I’ll even take notes if Cat is at dinner :)

  45. 45
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    Mary doesn’t want the lock to work, she’s afraid if she shuts the closet door she will find Rich in there. At any rate, I don’t think her angst is really about the closet – she’s being passive-aggressive.

    You’re my date Al, but I should warn you that I’m a terrible guest – I usually drink all the wine, smoke all the pot, leave all the dishes and give the hostess’ husband a reach-around when her back is turned as she fills my glass for the 12th time. I then claim no memory, and angle for another invite as soon as possible.

  46. 46
    Alison Z
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    I did that once, smoked all the pot, and drank all the –wait I don’t drink wine, didn’t do the reach around, but I was out front puking (sp?) on the porch! And it was a work party!! I hit record on my Iphone and we can listen to it on the way home! Just warn me if you are going to chunk, and I will pull over for you, just cause I have dark interior doesn’t mean that it won’t smell in the morning!

    Yeah I can see Rich stealing her clothes before Lolly does! He did wear those blue pants to that party then went to back in the first eppi!

    Oh yeah spelling police, comeandgetmeiamreadyforyou!

  47. 47
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    Damn! I missed the DC Househags tonight!!! I need some dish!!

  48. 48
    Alison Z
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 11:41 pm

    @Pcheez- Cat and Erika got into it again! Stacie actually confronted Erika about it, but they didn’t show it! Watching Mic “cheer” was painful to watch!! You will get a laugh out of it!

  49. 49
    LAC
    Posted September 24, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Oh, Lord, I forgot about Ms. Bony cheering…apparently, this cannot be confirmed (as usual for the Stillowemes).

  50. 50
    marijai
    Posted September 24, 2010 at 11:22 am

    @Cheez and Alison…I want to go too! I’ll bring snacks for when we get the munchies! :-)

  51. 51
    Alison Z
    Posted September 24, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    @mari-I say yes! Just don’t forget the Parmesan goldfish crackers and the sea salt dry roasted almonds!! I provide the case of water so we are hydrated!! But I don’t like aquafina- tastes like shit!!

    @lac-the stillowemes want to “write” a book! Mic says that she can’t write but she sure can talk! Fucking moron! Mr douche asked for an advance!! Asshole! These people- I am at a loss for words.

  52. 52
    winks523
    Posted November 1, 2010 at 9:21 am

    I know I’m reading this way too late but I almost just cried from laughing at this:
    Just when everyone’s having a grand ol’ time, a friend of Lynda’s comes to visit the table. Unfortunately he’s a look-a-like to the friend of Cat’s that just passed away and she gets really upset when she sees him.

    That scene was just too weird! I can’t stop laughing.

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