Welcome back everyone! The bitches are back and there’s not an act of Congress that can stop this bubble from bursting! And why hasn’t anyone enacted a law against their insanity?! Cause they’re “The Real Housewives of DC” and we voted them into existence!
We begin with Cat paying a visit to Mary. They’re having a wine and cheese night!
Glass #1 of 12. It’s a shame all that cheese is gonna go to waste.
Cat starts telling Mary about how she feels guilty about being a single mother (because Chaaaaahles is away so much) and it’s not easy…
Love that Bravo finally gave up and started giving her subtitles. I do NOT want to use any effort / brain functions while watching this shit.
Mary goes into her dilehmma of trying to keep Lolly out of her closet. First of all, with Lolli’s husky voice and broad shoulders you’d think Mary would be happy to keep her in the closet. However, even though she has a bio-metric “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” lock on her closet – Lolli still gets in. Mary’s so out of it half the time I wonder if she doesn’t realize there’s a back door in the closet. It drives me NUTS that she bitches about this. Ya know what works? TELLING YOUR DAUGHTER TO BACK THE FUCK OFF OR SHE’S GROUNDED/KICK OUT.
Cat of course eats this up and calls Mary useless. I love that this Lolly-problem is brought up the week after she was accused of stealing. “My daughter would never steal! She only breaks into my locked closet and takes things that I’ve asked her not to! I’M A GOOD MOMMY!!! WHERE’S THE @$#% WINE?!!”
Mary then reveals that she has a sister that’s the same age as Lolli! UMMM white trash says what?!
Next up we join Stacie while she’s working at home and she gets a call from Mic about buying a house! Turns out she and the Salami wanna buy a house in the millions! Oooh! Stacie! Aren’t you excited?! You get to play…
SO FUN! Regis Philbin himself tears up your real estate license in front of you!
Stacie says she’s all business and will handle this professionally.
Clearly she’s professional. Because anyone else would’ve blurted out “How do you feel about bars on the windows?!” after Mic said that.
Mic says the last time they looked for a home, the Salami’s got slapped with a lawsuit by his own mother and had to postpone. I sooooo wish that Mamma Salami was on this show! It’d be great to watch her in action.
Now it’s time to check in with Lynda! She’s getting a new house and is concerned that Ichiban won’t be able to protect it! So she’s thinking about getting a German Shepherd. WHAT?!
You know who could kick a German Shepherd’s ass AND Chuck Norris’ ass?! MOTHER FUCKIN’ ICHIBAN!
“I SMELL…FEAR… and Purina!”
But after while they simmer down and get to know each other…
Over at the Four Seasons, Stacie arrives at the Salami’s “apartment aka city home aka they’re probably squatting” and is super impressed by it. I’d just be impressed if someone doesn’t walk in and say “What the fuck are all of you people doing in my room?!”
It’s really funny watching this all play out when we already know what dirty, rotten, scoundrels the Salami’s are.
“May I go to the bathroom please?…..Thank you.”
Stacie, bless her heart, is actually trying to get the Salami’s to tell her where they get their money from since the vineyard is obviously defunct.
By the looks of that pearl necklace, I’m gonna say porn. ZING! (I get one of those per recap, right?)
So of course the Salami works his way out of answering that question and tells Stacie they’re looking for everything from a giant mansion to a condo. Mic is not happy about the condo reference and says “I’ll stay right here at the Four Seasons instead!” and then does that same dopey ass mouth-open look without saying anything…
Does it remind anyone else of something when she makes this expression after making a joke?
Now does it?
The Salami says size is very important because of the amount of bamboozling– er “entertaining” they do at home. Stacie says their needs are way out of line with DC. Also probably that the house will need to be purchased with real money and not empty promises. Speaking of, the Salami explains how he intends to buy the house…
“Well there’s the usual things. Flowers, chocolates… promises I don’t intend to keep.”
Stacie says she needs two things from them. I’m hoping she says, “grip on reality” and “one honest fucking sentence” but instead she asks for their time-line and price-range. Mic comes out with “anything between 100K and 12 million. That might very well be the stupidest thing she’s said all season. Then the Salami says they plan on funding it through the “business”. OH FOR SHIT’S SAKE. RUN, STACIE, RUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!
Back over at the British invasion household, shit’s getting real. Cat gets a phone call that one of her close friends passed away. Which is of course really sad and also shocking that Cat’s registering emotions that require heart/sympathy. Maybe the Bravo producers killed the guy to make Cat more likable. I know – that’s awful to say. This is Hollywood. That would never happen. I’m sure it was “an accident”.
She then relies on her girls for support because Chaaaahles is God-knows-where. Mary makes a call to her and offers support as well. That’s nice. It was actually a sweet moment. Very touching. Let’s see how fast we can escape from this “real” moment…
Cut to: Lynda bringing an astrologer to her house to rid it of evil karma with burning sage. Done and done.
Oh Lynda. You’re a surprise at every turn. Who would’ve thought she’s so spiritual and witchy. Well… spiritual anyways. She ends up walking around her new house with burning sage and waving it and smudging it everywhere. Riiiiiight. She waves it in front of her fridge so she won’t gain weight. You weight like 12 pounds Lynda. Maybe think about waving it around Ichiban’s dog dish instead.
Lynda then does a Jewish house blessing outside because, although she was raised Southern Baptist, she converted to Judaism when she was 20. Well that makes total sense – she’s funny, loves food and guilt trips. Wait… but she also loves BACON. OY THE INSANITY! And then she throws holy water everywhere. LOL. WTF religion are you?! Let’s just go with “Religious Mutt”.
Speaking of mutt’s…
I’m pretty sure Ichiban blessed the house first.
Back over with…
It’s a white limo. Do I really have to tell you who’s inside it?
Here’s your hint.
So Stacie joins the Salamis in their white chariot from the 80′s and they start touring around to look at possible living places. Which is pretty fucking pointless it seems because they’re just pointing at random houses as they whiz by. That’s odd. Is it because no one wants them on their property?! To be fair it’s only because those people didn’t have enough time to hide their silverware.
Why is he always wearing those friggin’ jackets?! Is he working as a concierge part-time?! Although, that wouldn’t be the worst idea. Probably should start making money some how.
While Mic keeps pointing at houses that are about 600% over her price range, Stacie blatantly says “We need you to present documents of your income to make sure you pre-qualify to see these houses.” Good for her!!! Keep it real!
If she holds them to it I’m pretty sure this will be the only house they’ll be able to afford.
Stacie even asks them about the vineyard and what all the rumors are about. The Salami ADMITS the rumors are true about his mother suing him over it! WOW. Stacie says she hopes he can heal those wounds and the Salami pretty much says his mother can eat shit. Stacie is appropriately horrified in general and really wants nothing to do with this.
Over at the Mary and Mr. Mary household, they’re discussing the “free mall” that is Mary’s closet. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??! GET OVER IT!!! Is this really THAT big of a deal or are the producers digging that deep for a story with this family. Luckily Mr. Mary is as over this subject as we all are.
“Remember when I found you interesting? That was fun.”
At Stacie’s house, she’s making dinner (have we seen Mary make one meal other than wine and cheese?) and Jason walks in from work and starts asking her about her search for her real father. Ugh. I hate it when it’s so obvious that the producers said, “Jason – walk in and ask her about her father and discuss.” They should’ve said, “Jason, Stacie was banging the Salami today, go discuss.” It’d be so much more interesting.
Jason wants Stacie to let him contact her real brother on Facebook and fill him in on the whole “Guess what?! You have a black sister!” thing. Oh Facebook. Does your fantasticness know no end?! I really hope he does it by posting it on his wall. And I really hope her brother doesn’t have the group “Mel Gibson is right!” liked.
At one point their kid makes an appearance and they quickly shoo him away. I have a feeling they don’t want the kids anywhere near the cameras which is a pretty great idea. Just like Mary and Cat! (note sarcasm)
Back at Lynda’s apartment, she’s sporting her “Pretty Woman walking through the lobby” trench coat and using KC (resident slave) to help her get dressed and “poof” her.
It looks to me like she’s doing a fine job “poofing” herself.
She actually says (in reference to her jacket), “Every time I go to the ladies room I think, ‘Gotta poof!’” REALLY?! Oh Lynda. You do the work for me. Now she just told her sons to make sure they “poof <her> throughout the evening!” Hysterical. I just poofed.
So Lynda, Cat and Mary all attend the “Men Against Breast Cancer” event that Lynda helped put together. Awesome! Good job Lynda! Wow – everyone’s really becoming human in this episode. I feel like it’s that point in every movie where everything is starting to go well so that you just know the shit storm is right around the corner. (Speaking of, has anyone seen “The Road”? That movie was that feeling for 2 hours except it actually did get worse and worse. I almost used a the last bullet on myself.)
The event is a men’s fashion show. But don’t tell Mary that…
Six glasses of Chardonnay down and she’s convinced she’s at “Thunder Down Under”.
And look who made it!!! It’s “Queen of the Night”Paul!!!
I mean seriously. This is right out of “The Bodyguard”.
Then suddenly Mary sees Lolly across the room with HER clothes on! What?! First of all, WTF is Lolly doing there without Mary or without Mary seeing her beforehand? They just went to this event separately? Odd. Secondly…
How awesomely hammered is Mary right now?! She’s got a Chardonnay IV drip.
Cat thinks the whole thing is laughable and for once – she’s right. OVER IT!
Just when everyone’s having a grand ol’ time, a friend of Lynda’s comes to visit the table. Unfortunately he’s a look-a-like to the friend of Cat’s that just passed away and she gets really upset when she sees him.
OMG. Did Wes Anderson die?!
Luckily the Wes look-a-like is really sweet and not all too creeped out. All ends well.
Later on in the week, Lynda sits down to have dinner with her family. The subject of America’s drinking age gets brought up and Lynda’s daughter babbles on about how the law should be changed to lower the drinking age…
“Blah blah law blah smart talk blah blah clandestine.”
But I think Lynda’s son makes a compelling counter-argument…
Then Lynda adds, “And while we’re at it – let’s legalize pot.” First her love of bacon, then Ichiban, NOW THIS?! FAVORITE HOUSEWIFE EVER!!! DONE. Seriously. I want a Lynda talk show when this is all done.
Over at Chateau Britannica, Cat’s children are playing therapist for her. You would think that dumping raw emotion and the subject of death on an 11 year old would be messed up but her kid handles it like Oprah and just listens quietly and asks poignant questions. What the what?!
“Mmm hmmm… And how does that make you feel? And don’t say bitchy, Mummy. We know that already.”
Her kid is seriously a 40 year old woman in a child’s body. She literally gives the advice “Just go with your gut instinct.” I’m confused. Does this mean Cat’s a good parent?! What is up with this episode?! I can’t handle it! Can someone please flip a fucking table already?!
We then visit the Mary family while they host the Stacie family for dinner. Mary and Mr. Mary applaud and thank Jason for his defense of Mary during the wine dinner shit show. She compares him to a rooster…
I have to check but I’m almost sure TVgasm paid her for moments like this.
(Most shocking though is that Mary made a meal!!! Which of course means the trash is filled with take-out containers.)
Stacie then talks about how she’s surprised at the Salamis and how they’re different from what she first thought. Mary then fills her in that they’re nothing like what they appear to be, have an awful track record and the Salami was a “punk” when he was younger. Uhhh – and this is just getting brought up now?! Bitch you went horseback riding at their house a month ago! On the other hand, Mary sticks up for Mic and says she’s in a co-dependent relationship. Yeah. With his “money”.
Speaking of… the Salamis are off to “their” vineyard to pay a visit. Mic says that it used to be the “happiest place on earth”.
I can see that actually.
Mic then tells us all about the tragedy of the Salami family and how everyone argues and it breaks her vapid lil’ heart. And she’s really hoping for a better future at Oasis with— cue sirens aaaaaand…
“LUUUUUCY! I”M HOOOOME!!!”
Turns out the Salami’s mother called the cops and sent them over there to arrest them for trespassing. OH HOW I WISH SHE WAS ON THE SHOW!!! But until then, this is how I imagine her…
“GET OFF MY LAWN!!!”
And although the Salami is no Clint Eastwood, Mic is pretty close to being his monkey…
“Everyone has to get along or I’ll never get my 12 million dollar mansion… BWAHHHH!!!!”
I think “Every which way but loose” is a great way to describe these two slippery suckers! Ironically Mic asks what people get out of making fun of others. May I suggest a job at TVgasm? It’s quite fulfilling and you might finally be able to afford that shithouse!
And that folks – is it! What did everyone think?! Yet again not much happened (FML) but it looks like next week’s episode has things firing up! So hollah back y’all! Let me know what you all think – of the shit show, the desperate housewives, the recap… and maybe not so much what you think of each other. Let’s all be real housewives and save that for behind each other’s backs. The way Jesus intended – just ask Lynda. KISSES!!!