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Welcome back everyone!!! After many episodes of banging our heads against the wall and praying to Jesus and Ms. Andy that something, ANYTHING, interesting might happen (motherfucker I WATCHED what happened… next to nothing!), we got one slam bang of a finale and then ditched off in the middle of the night like a DC hooker (compliments of Ms. Lynda of course). But now Bravo, having realized it played their first stale hand of housewives, has blessed us with not one, but TWO reunion specials (fucking shoot me). Whether it’s finally going pay off or not – shit’s going DOWN – either on their end (I hope) or on our end (I throw a bag of poo at the main office of Bravo). Either way – it’s armageddon in DC and we’re all invited – even the Salami’s this time! WHY?! ‘Cause it’s the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DC!!!
Coming to you live from the Historical Society of Washington, DC! As if ruining the Housewives legacy wasn’t enough. That building’s gonna be nothing but crumbled brick and burning ash when this is done.
We start off with Ms. Andy saying an awkward/fake hello to all the housewives while they each “shit-eating-grin” smile back at him. Ahhh… the calm before the storm. I kinda wish Cat would’ve just gotten up in the middle of the pleasantries and backhanded Mic.
Speaking of, I love Cat’s body language. She’s already checked out.
First Ms. Andy asks all the ladies what they’re registered as: Lynda says “Republican… but I voted for Obama” (alright I’ll let it slide lady!), Mary says “Republican but I vote for issues and people” (AKA closet Democrat), Cat says she “might” become a citizen yet, Mic says “Democrat” (unless she’s in a room of Republicans I’m sure) and Stacie says “Democrat” (except of course when it comes to DOMA).
Ms. Andy asks Mic why she chose now, after everything that’s happened, to tell everyone that she has MS. I swear I’d forgive her for everything is she just flatly responded, “Sympathy vote”. Instead she babbles on about her weight and coming out before the media told everyone. Lynda then fires back that it sounds like it’s more BS then MS. AAAAAAND WE’RE OFF!!!
Mic tells Lynda that instead of “blessing your property, you have to bless yourself within”. OH HELL NO! And then Lynda’s all “I do bless myself within!” And she’s all “Bless YOU!” and we’re all “NO BLESS YOU!”
And Whoopi’s all “BLESS YOU!”
And then everyone begins Round #1 of #52 of “I was talking – don’t interrupt”. Fuck me this is going to be a long hour.
Meanwhile Ms. Andy’s just wondering how the fuck he’s gonna stretch this shit show out for 2 hours.
Holy shit. They all start yelling at once and I can’t even begin to make sense of it.
Basically I’m seeing this…
And I’m hearing this.
Although I think the best part of this shit show is Cat just keeps yelling whatever she wants like Mary Poppins with Tourette’s. She just yells, “Plead the fifth!” at one point and then “Burger and fries!” and “Danger Zone!” when they talk about Lynda accusing Cat of an eating disorder. Cat makes “not giving a shit” look like incredible fun.
Ms. Andy then asks if any of them believe Mic has MS and there’s dead silence… until Stacie’s BS PC kicks in and she says, “I’m not in a position to judge” (“…unless Mic is gay.”) Mary tells Mic that she just hope she uses it as a platform and Mic counters with “I have for twelve of my lives!” What?! OMG! We’ve discovered who Mic really is!!!
And because she’s “Ms DC” she was given 3 extra lives. (Is that smile spot on or what?!)
Mic says that the only people that believe she’s not sick are the ones sitting in that room. Ummmm… unless the Historical Society of DC is currently housing 99% of the Housewive’s viewing audience and myself – that’s a lie. Stacie tells Mic that’s a “delusional world”. Point Stacie!
Mic tells Lynda that she has a “hate vendetta” (How exciting! That must really fill up a schedule!) and that she’s angry at her for being sick. Lynda’s all “Yeah you are! Sick IN THE HEAD!” She’s on her “A” game. Stacie, meanwhile, does a good job of speaking plainly to Mic and explaining to her WHY the whole world probably thinks she’s making shit up. AKA you’re the girl who cried wolf. Or the the context of this show…
The girl who cried, “Mother fuckin’ Ichiban!!!”
Ms. Andy decides to steer them away from total annihilation (since we’re only 7 minutes in) and talk to Cat about how people couldn’t understand her slurry speech. I wish Cat would’ve said “ME?! Mary slurred more than an Rejected AA Members Convention!” but instead she just admits to it. Good for her! Aaaaand now a montage of “Cattitude”! It’s basically a long shot list of Cat telling everyone to fuck off and she doesn’t care. I fear that when my life flashes before my eyes at some point – it’ll be very similar to this.
Cat also makes note that “bollucks” means testicles and Bravo never edited it out. I bet Bravo thanks you for the bajillion dollar fine you probably just earned them from the FCC.
Stacie then confronts Cat about how she was a shitty guest at her aunt’s house. I kinda blame Stacie though – Cat’s like a vampire…
If you invite her in, the ensuing destruction is your own fucking fault.
But Stacie says she’s learned that Cat’s actually gentler than she first thought – although Mic disagrees. Cat tells Mic, “at least whatever I said I always said it to your face” and Mic shuts it because Cat’s actually right. She shoots from the hip – and she’s not shooting blanks.
Ms. Andy then says that “Jennifer from Boca Raton” (AKA Ms. Andy from LA) wants to ask Cat if she’s actually getting a divorce. Cat’s response is “Not yet – but I’m looking forward to it.” Apparently Chaaaaahles flew the coop in May and never even said goodbye to the children. Nooooo!!!!
In his defense he was afraid they’d gut him for leaving their preeeeecious!!! (I know, i know – I get one throwback per season!)
Mic decides this is a perfect time to kick Cat while she’s down and says that she never thought they made a good couple. Ms. Andy asks if it was the show that fucked things up and Cat answers with a definitive, “@#%!%”. So that’s a “no”.
After commercial, Ms. Andy introduces us to Lynda’s montage and follows it up with a question about her age, Ebong’s age and if she’s a COUGAR!!! Holy shit, if she was a cougar Ms. Andy’s about to lose the right sight of his face. Lynda just responds that she’s a lady with taste. So true. A taste for young flesh.
Next up, a “race relations” montage highlighting Cat’s horrific “Tyra impression” and Mary’s slurring slur about Stacie and Ted(?) being great friends because they’re both black. Awww memories! Stacie backtracks and says she just feels Cat isn’t great in “certain” situations (not specifically because people are black) and Cat puts her on the spot asking her to clarify that she’s not a racist. Stacie comes back with a too-perfectly placed argument saying that she should’ve just said she was rude. LOL. Oh these ladies. The only way this “she said / she said” is gonna get settled is if it Ms. Andy brings out a giant pit of Jello and they wrestle to the death in it. And if it’s Merlot-flavored Jello, even better.
Stacie then jumps on Cat for using the word racist when she was joking. Ugh. So annoying. Cat was clearly joking because she was teasing Paul about her being afraid that he was “Gay and colored!” Stacie’s just clinging to it to prove an empty point.
Ms. Andy then brings up Mary’s drunken “salons should integrate!” comment and she admits to being wasted. Awww! How did this not then turn into an intervention?!
Time for another commercial…
So that Ms. Andy can show us where he stuffs the dead corpses of his male escorts after every Bravo awards show.
Back from commercial, we’re treated to a “Who’s yo daddy?!” montage of Stacie. We find out that she has found her birth father and it’s all because her husband, Jason, snuck into the Nigerian Embassy with a pizza delivery guy. So… it’s pretty much an 80′s comedy. And she’s going there to meet him! National Lampoon’s Nigerian Vacation! Oh and when she goes Jason has to pay a dowery so that they can “officially” be married. Seriously?! So she’s against gay marriage but is totally cool with being paid for like a piece of meat? Makes total sense. I hope the dowry’s a pack of cheap beer and a broken condom. Ya know, symbolic of her beginnings. BAM!
Ms. Andy also grills Stacie about Erica’s bitchiness and the rest of the ladies join in. It turns into an Erica-bashing except for Stacie who tries to stick up for her. When the Cat vs Erica fight gets brought up, the best part is that Mic quips that “maybe it’s just because two similar people met each other.” The look on Cat’s face is PRICELESS. I swear if Andy wasn’t sitting there she would’ve gotten up and beaten the MS out of Mic.
Mic then tells Cat that she’s made many people cry, including herself…
And the crocodile tears come flowing, drowning everyone within a 3 mile radius.
As quickly as they come though, they’re gone again as she reaffirms that Cat’s made MANY people cry. Then after Cat asks her 13.6 billion times WHO she’s made cry other than Mic, Mic just putters out with a “Well…ME!” and should’ve added “BUT I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS IN MY WORLD! EVERYONE IS MEEEE!!!!” She must live everyday like “Being John Malkovich”…
This is totally Mic’s view of how the show looked.
So since Cat catches her with that, Mic then randomly brings up how Cat should see people and not color. LOL. What a bitch! She’s totally mudslinging! Perfect for DC! It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not – just throw everything at your opponent and hope it sticks. I’m totally voting for the Mic/Cat ticket in 2012.
Mic then fires at Cat “Well at least I’m married and loved!” OOOOOMMMMMGGGGG!!!!
You know shit’s getting bad when Lynda looks shocked! “Blonde devil says what?!”
I can’t believe Mic just said that! BOOM! Then she calls Mary the most judgmental! Bitch is just grasping at straws on the way down!
You know Stacie is thinking “Fuck you Ms. Andy for giving me the spot next to Mic.” She would’ve crawled under the couch by now if it wasn’t for the restricting Fraggle sweater she was wearing.
And then Ms. Andy throws to commercial, looking about 10 years older than when this reunion began.
Back from commercial, we see a montage of Mary, her closet and her season long booze-fest. Mary (who is really coming off as the nicest housewife in this reunion) is surprised at how much play her closet got. Ms. Andy then asks the question (from a viewer) “Was it on purpose that wine became the 6th housewife?” Love it! I expected Mary to get up and scream, “She WAS?! Then where is she?! Get out here so I can drink you bitch!!!”
Mary says that she’s not an alcoholic and she’s not a druggie – she’s just laid back. I believe it. I think she’s just a wine-o and she has no worries in life other than what Lollie’s stealing from her closet. Ahhh the life!!! Then Lynda adds, “Well don’t ask ME if I’m on anything!” Oh Lynda. She loves being the “cool” mom. She tells us all that she’s dyslexic and has ADHD so she takes meds for it! WOW! A big reveal and she didn’t even have to! THEN she goes on to admit that she also used to smoke pot! HAHAHHHAAA!!! LOVE IT! She’s just letting it all out!
And at that Ms. Andy gives a panicked look to the producers like, “CAN I GET ARRESTED FOR HER SAYING THAT?! I’m too tender for the slammer!”
Lil’ Ms. Do-Right Stacie practically shits herself that Lynda comes out with that and has a good laugh with Mic about it. I don’t get these women. One minute they’re at each other’s throat and the next they’re sharing a laugh.
“HAHAHA!! Remember when I called you delusional?! Ahhh time does heal all wounds. And by “time” I mean 18 minutes. Besties!”
If someone called me delusional they’d be wearing their ass as a hat, not sharing a laugh with me.
Next up, a montage of Mic’s party-crashing, hug-lovin’, cheer-sucking, brain-blowing lifestyle. Mary calls Mic an anomaly in her life, impressing 99% of us I’m sure that she knew what that word was (thanks for teaching her right before the show Lolly!).
Ms. Andy then asks Mic if she ever actually was a Red Skin’s cheerleader. Mic sputters and stutters out a half-assed response about helping the cheerleaders at one point in the 80′s/90′s/make-believe-time and how she’s a dues-paying alumni of them now. What the fuck kind of cheerleader has to pay dues? Then everyone there chimes in with several different viable sources than confirm she was never a cheerleader and Mic pretty much backtracks to “Well… I’m pretty enough to be one… soooo… Look! Butterfly!” FAIL.
Lynda and Mary note how they’ve known Mic for a long time and Lynda comments that The Salami has put Mic under an evil spell. Ms. Andy asks Mic if she ever goes anywhere without The Salami and she starts crying. What the what?! Why’s she crying?! Is she really under a spell?! Is she garnering sympathy?! Or did she just remember that she forgot to feed Sparkles before she left the house?!
Ms. Andy then says he’s going to bring out “The Salami” and Lynda lays the SMACK DOWN and says there’s no way in hell he’s coming out to join them unless she’s got Ebong there to protect her! Ms. Andy says he’s strong enough to protect them – and we all have a good laugh.
Can you imagine? “The Salami” pounding the bacon out of Lynda while Ms. Andy screams “NO!!! Don’t get blood on my couch!!! Or my face! My pretty face!”
And that’s it! I have to say the reunion has definitely been on the more-exciting side of this season and I look forward to next week when everything seemingly comes to a head. I’m also looking forward to the Enola Gay flying over and dropping off The Salami. What did everyone think?! Much to snark about! Come on kids and DISH IT!!!
Awesome. Too late. I had to take a Xanax and a line of blow just to get through this shit.