RHOM: Certified Fug

Previously on Real Housewives of Miami, Cristylike went to Lea’s Gala without paying, forcing Lea to block Cristylike from Miami’s facebook page. Also, Lea squawked like a chicken a lot and even did a chicken dance after seeing a picture of herself with lines painted all over it.

How fun is THAYUHT?!?

We open with a shirtless Pippen. Rar! I think the editors are feeling a little guilty after showing so much of this face:

Does Pippen have an accent? Cuz he sounds like a drunk frat boy doing Jamaican voice and they’re adding subtitles. Also, before I can even tell what’s going on, I have to point out Larva’s square boobs. Aren’t you, like, the richest bitch in Miami according to yourself? Your boobs are square, woman!

Larva starts off by telling us that her kids are obsessed with pets, so every time they do well in school she gets them more. Hey. That’s what poor people do. Rich people get them servants and cars. POOR! This time, the kids got a tortoise, a bunny, and some other nasty thing that should be pooping outside. When she said tortoise, I was waiting for her to whip a new nanny out of a shopping bag. I hope she names that thing creatively, because if she shouts “tortoise!” through the house, a flock of really scared and slow nannies are going to show up waiting for their pink slips.

Pippen loves his kids and whatever they want they get! As long as it’s under ten dollars at PetSmart. That guy is a cheap bastard. Square boobs. Can’t get over it. I’m trying to move on but those square ass sacks keep jiggling onto the screen and I can’t help it. Larv says that it’s good for kids to have pets, cuz it teaches them to pawn off responsibility onto the nannies at a young age. I would judge her, but Romana’s reading the Spanish Turbo Tax guide to do my taxes late as we speak. At least I don’t ask her to pick up my poop. Cuz I have lines I don’t cross…LARVA.

Hicky clown music is playing. That must mean it’s time for Busted Face Barbie! She’s on her way to visit Alec Baldwin’s daughter.

Sorry Alec Baldwin calling his kid a pig thing is really old news but it still makes me laugh. She’s meeting her hot husband at some pig farm dressed like Shakira’s body double. I can’t really explain the diaper bag, but I think she’s using that cuz it’s thinning. Well done! Before Bag:

After bag:

Busted Barbie is at the pig farm to pick a pig for her cooking party. So gross!! Roast Larva! Barbie is grossed out by the smell and makes the farmers promise that the pigs won’t smell up her house. How they’re gonna come through with that? I have no idea. Like any good pig salesman, they promise her it won’t stink and just try to get her the hell out of there. I wish I was in Miami so I could invite the ladies to a screening over at my place before the big dinner.

Barbie makes Herman sanitize his hands after touching the pig, and he asks what the point is. He slaps her butt and says that she doesn’t make him wash up after that. OUCH. She giggles “yeah but I’m not a pig.” Silence. These two? Are gonna last FOREVER.

Marysol is out to dinner with Frenchy. The restaurant he picked is empty, which makes her suspicious. The Olive Garden is always full for a reason, and Marysol wants her breadsticks. He went to talk to her father, too, which is also suspicious! OMG! He’s gonna propose after meeting Elsa? That’s pretty impressive. When a man accepts that big of a danger sign, he’s got something wrong with him that he is hoping you’ll forgive, too. Make sure he doesn’t have Hepatitis or something. He’s hiding!

Did you go see Marysol’s dad cuz of his surgery?? No, silly, he was asking Dad how many goats he would get if he married your giant scary non plastic surgery face. He asked for his daughter’s hand. The dad said maybe it was happening too fast, but hey, after forty there is no such thing as too fast. Meet someone at a bus stop, make sure they can pay for their own ride, boom. Marriage. Get it while the gettin’s good, yo. The ring he bought is gigantor. It’s either fake, or he’s a rich mofo. Elsa can’t say Marysol’s not rich enough to pull that diamond off if she actually marries the diamond, right? Suck it, mom!

Yes, giant diamond. I will marry you. Just please ask the French guy to trim his body hair a little and not use rocks as deodorant.

Elsa helped pick the ring, which means it probably has a tracker in it or some shit. Or like a tiny little speaker system so Elsa can start shit wherever Marysol is. They’ll be standing in front of the preacher and that ring will turn on and shout “Why you have to washj jor hayndz? Eez eet begauze jew are Fraynche?” Marysol says yes, of course. Love is wonderful if you’re involved in it, but if you’re not it’s grosser than the pig farm scene. F this noise. Let’s head over to Busted Barbie’s Dream Garage!

Why’d we have to get the pig with hemmorhoids?

Herman wants Busted to cut the pig up, but she refuses. He starts getting all competitive dad on her. Throw the ball! JUST THROW IT GODDAMIT! STOP BEING A PUSSY!! He tries to coach her on how to properly spread open the pig’s legs.

It’s like our wedding night. You can do this!
Please tell me you didn’t just call me a pig again.

 

She’s mortified, and says that if she had to kill her own chicken caesar salads she would never eat them. Well, duh. You can’t just go around killing Caesars whenever you’re hungry. It’s called murder, stupid. She’s playing into all the vegans’ hands with that argument. Would you take a life? No? Then don’t eat meat! Well, I wouldn’t knock up a Mexican teenager, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have the right to love my maid. Suck it, vegans! Do you know how many deductions this bitch just got me? Five hundred and forty dollars for back wax, cuz I’m a hooker for pasty bald fetishists at night and it’s a work expense. Brilliant!

Lea’s shopping with her “team”. She needs someone with her in case an ambulance passes by while she’s in the dressing room to chase that shit down. Always working, this one. She’s meeting up with her “friend”, or as the rest of us would call her, a store clerk, who is always telling her to stop dressing like Mrs. Peacock from Clue. I put friend in quotes, cuz if the clerk was a real friend she would smack Lea for even picking this up.

Friends don’t let friends drive fug.

Lea squawks that she she normally is very simple and just likes to wear jeans, a t-shirt, a dead crow or two and maybe some mosquito netting when she goes out. She doesn’t get all this putting effort into your appearance to avoid looking like a crazy person thing. Larva agrees that Lea needs to squawk around town in better clothes, cuz she’s hanging out with fashion forward women who dress like hookers now that Bravo’s come a callin’. I hate to be the one to point this out to Larv, but Miss Piggy’s been wearing her “fashion forward” dress since the eighties.

Lea’s sense of style is something Cristylike can’t understand. Like big words. Or prenups. Or telephones with cords on them. Or cafeterias. Or those airplanes that write stuff in the sky. A. how do they make things fly? and B. more words. These “friends” aren’t helping at all. Poor Lea looks like an old chicken lady someone threw in a pot of melted crayons. And is there one freaking comb in Lea’s vicinity? Her team has the same mess on their domes that she does.

Birds of a feather refuse to groom together.

Lea spends a thousand bucks for her latest travesty. Making a whole room of people laugh behind your back? Priceless. Let’s go to busted Barbie’s party! The martinis are HUGE, and we all know what that means!

Herman’s cooking up Babe, and Busted Barbie says Lea’s gonna freak cuz she doesn’t eat meat. She’s right. Lea takes one look at the carnage and walks away.

I combed my hair for this?

Lea won’t stop bitching and saying “I’m done!” She calls the pig roast barbaric and says she won’t eat anything with a name. Well shit we can’t Julienne you carrots either, you picky heifer. Larva thinks Lea’s being kinda rude. Larv doesn’t eat pork either, but she’s not gonna ruin Barbie’s party over it. She’s gonna wait til she’s alone in the car with some cameras and Barb tacky, poor, and fugily dressed. Cristylike just chalks Lea’s tackiness up to white lady ignorance. In Cooba people roast pigs all the time. Well, in America we have a lot of ignorant white ladies. Accept our culture and we’ll accept yours, skank!

When we come back from break, Lea’s still having a fit. She’s never seen a murdered pig splayed out on on a table before. Imagine how your masseuse feels. Herman starts hacking into the pig just to make Lea squeal like one. And squeal she does. Squealsquawk. She doesn’t seem too happy to be sitting next to Frenchy, either.

Squawk!

Herman apologizes to Lea in his toast and she says he can make it up to her with something furry. He’s a nice host, cuz I would have told her to scratch her back if she wanted something furry and kicked her ass out of my house. Time for Marysol’s big news! Lea: “You’re pregnant?” HAHAHA! Every single thing that comes out of her mouth is so fucking rude! I love it. In two words, she called Marysol trashy and fat.

Frenchy has proposed! Busted Barbie is impressed that Frenchy can be with a strong successful woman, cuz Latin men insist on wearing the pants. That’s the sweetest way of calling your friend’s husband a pussy that I’ve ever heard. Aren’t you cute, being the weaker poorer limp dicked loser in a relationship? AWWWW! Cheers! And Barbie’s point is kinda valid. Women do give up some power if they marry old ugly dudes just for their money. You think old ugly doesn’t KNOW why you’re marrying him? To him, you’re an employee, in a way. And NO ONE takes orders from a maid. BRB. Romana needs help with decimals.

Lea continues her reign of ignorant white lady terror and asks how long they’ve been together so she can calculate how long they’re gonna last. Math genius or drunk ignant bitch? Who can say? She’s not done, though. Still laughing at her super rude joke, she squawks “I didn’t know he needed a green card!” HAHAHAH what a c word! She’s snorting and cracking up. So am I. The main reason I’m such a big fan of these Housewives shows is because they really illuminate what an asshole I really am. It’s good to face the truth and know that there are other people out there like you. Moment of grateful silence.

Marysol and Frenchy aren’t laughing with Lea. Poor Frenchy. If this is gonna last, he needs to make a deal to be kept away from every woman that Marysol knows. Marysol is embarrassed by Lea’s rudeness. Is that what everyone thinks? That Frenchy’s just marrying her for a green card? And how is that fair? Every time an American marries an immigrant, people say stuff like that. Why can’t they just assume that you’re marrying an immigrant for free yard work or something? Not cool.

The ladies beg Lea to stop drinking, so she makes more green card jokes. Larva explains to us that Lea says all kinds of wrong shit but she laughs while she says it and thinks that makes it ok but it doesn’t. If Larva has something mean to say, she writes it on a nanny’s forehead in lipstick and sends her to stare awkwardly at her opponent. It’s called etiquitte, Lea! Lea insists that she’s only saying what everyone’s thinking. If that were true, you’d introduce yourself as Dame Edna and ask for some hair product.

The next day, Elsa comes to visit Marysol and congratulates her before hilariously berating her for being married so many times. When she sees the ring, she slurs “deedyou zinea paprdad sayeef youdeevorze he don’t geepeet?” Thank God for subtitles, cuz I’m at a loss here.

Elsa pretends she’s never seen the ring, but when random gay friend asks how many carrots it is, Elsa says “the centerrzdone ees atine, bud arrround ees eighd cayrote.” WTF? Did she just say the center stone is eighteen or ten? Focus, Elsa! Marysol says that she didn’t ask about the ring cuz it would be tacky and Elsa responds “Eedz only daggy to wear.” HAHAHAHAH!!! She picked out a ring for her daughter that she could mock for the rest of her life. I’m writing Elsa’s name into every election that comes up this year. Sheriff. Mayor. Dog Catcher. I don’t care I want her everywhere. Except in my dreams. Cuz that could go sour real fast.

Joo done loog reech enouvv do pool off dat ring Fleepeezolerrrr

Marysol’s ordered some wedding dresses and tries them on for Elsa and RandomGay. Elsa gets sad while Mary is getting dressed and says “Idone no what I eez goeendo do weethoud my doter.” AWWWW! You won’t be without a daughter! Besides. Kids come and go, sugar, but wine is forever!

She tells Marrryzole that she’s worried about her fallingdownda mountayn in her dress, and then laments that she wasn’t invited to the wedding, since it’s an elopement. Even if she was invited, “it tage me a copleofe weeg to gayt raydie for da plane.” That’s lots of nightgown packing to contend with. Not that it matters. Elsa loog good een averrryteeng!

Oh Jesus how’d you get this number? We can’t keep changing it. Please stop calling.

Larsa tells us that she’s perfect and she wants her nannies to be perfect too. I had to pause right now because I couldn’t stop myself from muttering “stupid c word” over and over while rocking back and forth. Does she want someone who speaks English? Yes, that would be helpful. And they have to understand wtf Pippen’s saying. Are there grunting Neanderthal nannies now? Cuz no one else is gonna get it. Mush Mouth would be confused. The Service suggests if she wants someone who could understand Pips, she should get a Jamaican. LOL! So I’m not the only one who heard that in his voice? Love it. Larsa, of course, comes up with the most racist ignorant thing she can think of to respond with:

Jamaican for “slow ass turtle bitch”.

Cristylike and Busted Barbie go to meet some designers that they are gonna model for. What the hell kind of designer would ask for these two? Oh. Ok I get it.

Was Hedda Lettuce busy?

Cristylike oohs and ahhs and says Barbie looks like a real Barbie!

Attacked by a bunson burner.

Not much happens in this scene. Cristylike like tries on tackylike dresses and makes this face a lot:

Hey, we haven’t seen any Adriama today! She’s delivering the giant Terrence Howard in Pricilla Queen of the Desert painting to Lea’s house with her son.

A cock. In a frock. On a rock.

They try and figure out the best place to hang the painting. The bathroom is too small, and so is the trash compactor. Maybe it can be the new floor of the pool? Adrima doesn’t care. Just write her a check for ten thousand bucks so she can get the hell out of there, k? Lea tells us that when she met Adriama, she was a rich wife. Then she got dumped cuz her man knocked up some teenager and Ad was left to sleep on the floor of her gallery, so Lea collected her like a Garbage Pail Kids card. AW! Lea’s super busy today, gott rushrushrush busybusy so BUSY BUUUUUT let’s take a few minutes out of my hectic sched so I can demean you for the douchebag sandwich you made in the first episode.

She starts by asking “what’s going on with you?” very cryptically. Oh shit. Adriama pooped herself.

Is it because I called you El Pollo Loco behind your back? Because I stole some mints out of the bowl by the front door? Because the portrait I just sold you looks like Milton Berle with drag makeup on? WHAT DID I DOOOOO?

 

She tenses up and says that she’s just stressed because of work. And….? And finances. And……? And the fact that she has to get her face repaved every week or she turns into a gremlin with water thrown on it. And……? JUST SQUAWK IT OUT, LEA! Well, Lea doesn’t approve of Driama going out til two in the morning when she’s got a decent man that she’s relying on. Don’t forget how cold cement gallery floors are, Adriama! Damn, nosy. I would say mind your own beeswax, but Lea’s invested actual money into this one, so it kinda is her beeswax. Don’t take money from nosey self important ignorant white ladies! Earn it like the rest of us. By stripping. Or bussing tables. Or both. I’m going to become a stripper busboy and make billions of dollars. Thanks, RHOM!

Adriama knows Lea well enough to not try and argue. Instead, she cries. It’s stressful having a boyfriend who won’t pay for a hundred percent of her kid’s private school! Lea coos that she’s willing to help her! Girl, you’re messing everything up! Let her be. She thought she was happy until she had some chubby spiritual arthack print out a picture of you from the seventies and paint lines on it for you. Lea changes the convo to what they can do to make the gallery work. And if she needs to have a fundraiser for her kid’s school tuition, she’ll do it and Driama needs to leave her pride at the door like Lea does when she goes out in mosquito netting.

Driama says Lea is just like family. Yeah. She interjects her opinion and makes you feel like crap all the time then smiles and calls you fat and then asks why you’re not eating. Fucking family. My advice? Move away and change your name. Worked for me!

Cristylike goes out with her likeidiotlike friend to talk about Lea’s Gala invoice. LOL. Friend asks if it was sent by certified mail. They laugh, but it was certified! HAHAHAH Lea! Friend says Lea was rude by sending an invoice, and Cristylike says that she just showed up to drink for free and stuff to show her support for poor people or scoliosis or dogs with AIDS or whatever Lea was begging for money for that week. Also, Lea added pictures of her in the envelope as proof that she was there, and she’s charging her for both friends, too. Cristy paid for herself and one of them, supposedly, but refuses to pay for the third girl. Um, there were three of you. Did you not look closely at the pics? You should have. You would have realized that you should really close your mouth a little bit sometimes, just to change things up. Cristylike thinks the letter was tacky and Lea was lucky to have herlike. What lady her age sends invoices!?!?? Cristylike is so like in the wrong here, but I’m sick of this fight. You bitches seriously need to like make somethinglike happenlike.

Marysol and Frenchy are in the mountains to get married, and they already look like an obnoxious yuppie couple that’s been married for years in their matching outfits. Oy. They’re gonna be that family on the block that starts the Christmas carol rehearsals.

Marysol is freaking a bit. She says that Frenchy is doing her a favor by rushing into this wedding before the snow can melt. It’s rushed because of her, ok? Not because he has a green card deadline. I have a feeling that Lea might be right about this one, cuz Marysol is really trying hard to convince herself and us that she planned it this way on purpose. She doesn’t know why she’s getting so panicked. She doesn’t want Frenchy to think that she doubts his love, but he can tell she’s freaking out, even though her face isn’t moving at all. It must be the cold air, cuz we know that there’s been no plastic surgery here.

And that’s it! Next week, Lea yells at Cristylike about the fucking gala. OH LORD DO SOMETHING! Also, we have this to look forward to:

Adrigina

 

EW!! Is that supposed to be sexy? Cuz I’m about to go punch my penis. Thanks so much for reading! See you next week! xo