RHOM: Ronald Reagan Gets Some

Previously on Real Housewives of Miami, Larsa came out of her Larva to become a true reality asshole, Adriana left her kid at school so she could eat guacamole out of a can, and Cristylike pissed off Lea the Criminal Collector and made this face a lot.

Third episode, and third time I have randomly paused on the same still of Pippen. It’s starting to burn itself into my brain.

Rico Suave

It’s the day after the big charity event, and Lea, Adriama and Marysol lounge around, recuperating. Marysol and Adriama tell Lea how gorgeous and refreshed she looks after all that work.

You should always keep your hair pulled back, girl. You look like a different person.

Wasn’t that party fun?!? Adriama drank her face off and says that she lost count after five glasses. And we didn’t see any of it. I hope there were some camera men who were docked pay for this, because that’s a travesty. Anyway, wasn’t the whole shebang a blaaaaast, Lea? She doesn’t drink, so no. No it was not fun. It was pure nightmarish working hell. But it’s over now and she doesn’t have to try and do her hair again for another few months.

Adriama brings up the Cristylikesituationkindalike. Lea, who looks kinda headmistressy today as it is, calmly but sternly explains that Cristylike not only didn’t have tickets, she brought friends who didn’t have tickets either and then lied to the doormen about being a big celebrity so she could get in. Was that a lie, Lea? Everyone knows Cristylike! She’s got ATTITUDE!

Hi my name is BIG CELEBRITYlike, k? Don’t look me in the eyelike.

Great security there, Lea. You were on top of them like the cameramen were on top of the quite possibly brilliant shots of a shitfaced drunk Adriama grinding her jay up against unsuspecting young gala attendees and rolling around smearing peanut butter all over her face. Maybe it happened, maybe it didn’t. Point is, we’ll never know. Lea squawks that maybe there are big galas that fake celebs pass security for free, “but this ain’t one of em!” Then she lays an egg.

Well Lea’s not taking this sitting down! She’s invoicing that little bitch Cristylike. Adriama is so shocked by Lea’s battle cry that her horns spontaneously pop out of her neck.

Dios mio!!

Adriama says that you don’t mess with Lea Black in this town! Cheel grusjh you een a meenote! Unless you’ve been arrested for murder, carjacking or drug trafficking. Then she’ll throw a gala for your ass.

Since she doesn’t know she’s about to get a ten million dollar bill in the mail, Cristylike is out partying with Larva and some girls at a superliketrendy place. Cristylike likes to you know like check out new like places? Cuz nothing lasts for long so you should like eat at a place before it closesliiiike? Cristylike makes the shitty economy sound like a super fabulous trend. Things open and thentheylike close againit’saaaawesomelike.

People are like living out of their carslike. Cars are fabulous.

Larva asks about the charity event immediately since she was too busy firing half the staff of Disney World to make it herself. Cristylike showed up late cuz of a stupid potbrowniehole and then her unlucky friend Luqui hailed tham a nastylikestinkylikecablike and then they had to drive there and then it was packed so they likedidn’t eat or anything justlike said hi and mingled and spread likes aroundlike. And Cristylike putting on a dress and showing up to your event is a good deed, k? I don’t know if your security man told you, but she’s a Big Celebrilikety. She was doing you a favor by showing her face at your damn party, biatch! Lea should be paying Cristylike for what she suffered through at that dripping ball of lame Lea calls a gala.

You’re acting just like The Turtle right now.

Larva squints, but then she’s all smiles. It’s hard to tell if Larva loves you or hates you. She says that Cristylike is really sweet for making the effort to crash the gala after suffering a flat tire. A pothole would have just wrecked Larva’s spirit for the night. You see? Cristylike’s totally polite you guys and totally driven to succeed. But enough of that! IT’S TIME TO PARTYLIKE! They have no chooooice! WOOOOOO!!! We’re yoooooounglike! Cristy no likey Larva’s Turtle judgement gaze, so it’s time to dance. When Larva dances, the hips lead. For Cristy, it’s the mouth. That thing controls her.

like

Girl’s Day! It’s Adriama’s turn to have a party. She doesn’t bother with a Telemundo chef cracking guac out of a can. That’s a lot of work and she only likes in shape gays and they can’t cook. Hell, she barely bothers showing up. The other women sit there and play a game of HangMan while they wait for Adriama. I think they’re trying to spell FLAKE, but Busted Barbie set up the answer and who knows how the hell she would spell that? In the meantime, she gives a right and wrong speech about how rude it is to be late for your own lunch. Well, maybe she’s off trying to be good mom or something. LOL I’m just kidding. The one really needed at that table is there, so that’s what’s important.

Glad you could make it, Dom!

How come it’s only windy around Lea’s poor hair? She really can’t catch a break. Don’t you know who she is, wind?!?!

The wind isn’t playing by the rules! It’s OUT!

Lea says semi-affectionately that Adriama is on Brazilian time. I don’t know what that means, but Brazilian time probably has a big wiener. What? You’ve heard that too. It seems a bit odd that the women are so pissy about it, but then Larva tells us that she’s not just thirty minutes late. She’s an hour and a half late! LOL! If a nanny did that Larva would have her replacement make turtle stew for dinner.

They call her, but she’s just a torrent of badly pronounced eggsgusace. Her son needed help with homework and her old boyfriend wouldn’t leave work to do it for him, she was late to get her hair and makeup, and now she turned off the wrong exit and her boyfriend won’t leave work to pick her up and get her on the right track. The girls are like um, we get that your son comes first cuz you said that like twenty times last week after you abandoned him at school, but can’t we at least come before a makeup appointment?

Larva takes the time to innocently bring up the night she went out with Cristylike and Adriama to the fashion show and then to dinner and then dancing and…”Wait!” Lea squawks at her bberry. The girls look at her trying to figure out if she’s talking to them or the phone. Them, but she keeps looking at the phone. What an asshole. But at least her hair is looking better.

She starts questioning Larva on why she got home at 2AM. When she says the lights dimmed and they started dancing, Lea almost squawks herself right of her chair. “DAAAANCING?!?!” And there wasn’t even a drought! My, how things change. Dancing? With whooo? Squawk! Wait what do you mean Adriama was dancing between two douchebags squawk whaaaa? Well isn’t that a blaaaast? And by blast I mean SLUTRAVESTY! SQUAWK! Larva is shocked, shocked I tell you, that she opened a can of worms.

Well, Lea certainly isn’t gonna judge Adriama for acting like a tramp and throwing her relationship away. Too late! Larva tells us that Lea is like Adriama’s fairy godmother and is kind of obsessed with what she’s doing and where she’s going. Adriama is one of Lea’s collectibles and one thing collectors hate is people touching their things.

It’s against the rules. SQUAWK!

Lea gets oddly uncomfortable and starts laughsquawking about how it’s none of her business. Maybe Adriama was just drunk. No? Well, squawk laugh, ruining your relationship dancing with single guys at a bar til all hours of the morning!… HOW FUN IS THAT?!? It’s not up to me to judge but GUILTY! Lea tells us that things you do in life have…wait for it…CONSEQUENCES. Uh oh. Did that just make this lunch a charity event? Cuz she will invoice our asses.

I don’t know why Lea’s so uptight about a little dancing. She’s dancing all the time. Does she even know it?

Larva just smiles like she has no idea that she just sent Lea into a tizzy. Larva? Is gonna be gold when she gets the hang of being an asshole on TV. Embrace it, mija!

Adriama finally arrives to great applause. It was a super hard day! The makeup lady did her face wrong so she had to do it again. I wish I was their waiter so I could just walk up to the table and say “LIBYA” and leave. Lea squawks that Adriama has no problem areas on her face and she should just shut it and stop acting crazy. Then the editors show us the problem areas on Adriama’s face. OK, editors. You’re on the path to redemption.

In real life you’re very pretty, but on HD you need to bring that artist with you everywhere. Did you warn him that you’d be shooting in the sun?

Lea laughs that if she had an extra hour and forty five minutes to get ready, she might look good too. If you spent that hour and forty five with a glue gun, some plaster of paris and a strong sander maybe. Let’s eat!

Did you guys know that Miami has become a hub of art? Well it has. Adriama told me. She’s having an opening for a guy named Marcus, who’s a brilliant artist. He’s playing piano instead of getting his show set up because he needce tymedo saynter heeself spireechooly. He hasn’t finished any of his pieces. Um, don’t you have to have pieces to get a show in the first place? Or is that old school? And is he seriously printing shit off a computer and then painting squiggly lines over it? Good lord. Why aren’t I an artist? You should see what I can do with a couple boogers and some belly button lint.

ART!

She sputters out some orders, but her chubby artist guy just wants to eat. HAHAH. She’s varee strasse, ogay?! Let’s check in with Busted Barbie and her Barbie Dream Garage.

She’s making breakfast for her son. Well, taking it out of a bag and putting it on the plate. She bitched at Pretty the first episode about watching his weight, and she’s serving him a bunch of caca. I don’t know why this is bothering me, but I think it’s cuz my mom would do the same thing. Kids at school making fun of you for being fat? Here’s a box of Little Debbies. Now watch Facts of Life while momma goes to Junior League to drink boxes of White Zin and ask for advice about what to do with her fat ass son.

This is what happens when underage glasses start drinking.

Pretty is one very charismatic kid. He wakes up beaming that same bubbly personality he has when he’s fully awake.

The kid has the personality of a slug, but it works wonders on his mom. It’s graduation time, so he wants to have a big party and hire a ten thousand dollar DJ. That’s ridonk, of course, but Busted Barbie looks straight at the camera and says “He knows how to come around me.” Well that’s a giant, disturbing step in the mother son relationship. He bought his girlfriend a ring on vacation with his mom’s credit card, and Barbie tells us that she’s totally not into spoiling her son. She tells him the party’s over the second school is done, then she puts him on her lap until he burps out a long line of spit on her peace shirt. He can charm this dumdum into anything. Whenever I tried to charm my mom to get stuff she’d say “what’s wrong with your face? Stop that. If someone hits you on the back it will stick like that and no one will ever love you.” This show is bringing up too many issues. I need a break.

OK I’m back. I just called my mom and told her off in Spanish and she had no idea what I was saying. Thanks, Google Translate! She was actually proud that I was speaking another language. “You grew brains? Maybe you’ll make something of yourself some day!” I need another break.

Larva’s calling Pippen to find out how much of his money she can blow on a car for her 16 year old brother. A Lexus? A Mercedes? He’s like um a Toyota. HA. Still though, damn! Oh yeah and Pippen sent her a text that said 911 a while back. What was so important? Dang, Larva! He could have lost a limb or something and you’re more worried about a car for your brother. Sensitive. Pippen’s been nominated for Best Musical of 1973!! Congrats, honey! So we can afford a Lexus, right?

Duuuuhhhhhhh

Does Larsa get something for his Best Musical nomination? You get a warm congrats for marrying up, you greedy hooker. Back at the Kinko’s art show, Chunky Lazy Spiritual Artist Guy is trying to finish his show. He was supposed to paint four more pieces overnight and he didn’t! You know the sign of a quality artist? A dude who can paint four pieces overnight. Just glue some Tootsie Pop wrappers to the wall and call it a day, dude. How the hell is anyone gonna know the diff?

Adriama nags and pesters and nags some more and finally he starts getting ruffled. You can’t talk to a spiritual artist like that until you at least fill him up with some El Pollo Loco first. He’s an artist and she’s treating him like some lazy prick who didn’t bother to get his art show together in time. Artists are usually flakes, so why wouldn’t Adriama have nagged him weeks ago to make sure he was getting ready? The answer is: I’m thinking waaaaay too much to be watching this show. She keeps nagging, he keeps trying to explain that it’s super hard to paint circles over posters. He says that “that’s da womeen, alwayce beetcheen.” She storms out. I think grabbing a hammer and hanging some posters might have been a better option, but I’m no gallery owner.

Marysol and her boyfriend go to visit Elsa, who has a giant picture book open while she stares at the wall. I think she’s pretending she’s at the beauty salon.

I wanda bobe. I am no Veegtoreeanladee!

Can this show just be dubbed over with Elsa saying all the lines? It would be number one in the ratings. “Marrysoooooole! I am freeeeecing eendeeztooooown!” Boyfriend kisses her, and check out the look she gives him.

I weeled longcanseer into Ricky Ricardo. Donna mayse weedmee!

Marysol is falling in love with her young stud and needs the approval of her mom. I don’t know if today’s the best day.

Marysol says that her mom can be opinionated and difficult, but she’s usually right. Especially now that she’s got Ronald Regan hanging around her apartment in assless chaps putting in his two cents everywhere. Now Elsa’s showing off her sexy nightgown.

Bonertown!

Marysol is just trying to make sure that her never touched by a surgeon face is working.

Am I drooling right now?

Elsa is slurry and flirty. YAAAAY! She picks up her fishbowl of wine off the table and tells Boyfriend that everything looks good on her and he’s looking pretty hot himself. “I saw a peegjure of Migael Jacksown weed a chirt ligedat.” French has nothing to say to that, so he just sits silently as we all imagine MJ in a pinstripe fitted button down. I don’t see it. Maybe he went the preppy route when he passed over. Never too late to change! He’s probably there right now.

Elsa? Is WASTED. It’s hilarious. Goofy music plays as she tells boyfriend exasperatedly that there’s nothing segzier dan a mushel mayne drayssed ligeagoorl. HAHAHAH!!! He’s laughing, but I don’t know if it’s what she said or the faces she’s making.

Papa can you hear me?

RonelthdRaygenzees tryeengdo toche ma boobiez.

“Budonce I stard drinkeen I feel goooood”
HAHAHAHAH!

OK from now on these recaps will just be pages of Elsa’s face. Marysol, almost as uncomfortable with this situation as she is with plastic surgery, tries to change the subject by complimenting the flowers on the table. Are they real? Elsa has a fit and says she didn’t come all the way to this country and marry a gringo just to end up with paper flowers. She doesn’t believe in paper flowers. In Cooba, you donnaevayn hayffe to buy da flowerz. You juss go do yourneighbor’s houze and steal them. Without missing a beat, she slurs “YOU know whadIyam! Whaddeeziiiit?…..”

A psychic? No. That thing that hides under bridges and scares children? No. Ground pork? NO. Boyfriend really sucks at guessing.

I buy it. She’s got the entire of cast of Hocus Pocus rolled into one face.

Boyfriend’s like woah is the heater on in here I need to go to the bathroom or the backyard or Cuba just get me the hell out of here! Elsa tries to make him sit back down but he’s outta there to wash his hands. And probably cry and bang his head into the mirror.

He dosend know dees bud Migal Jagson wass toucheen hees weewee.

Elsa is annoyed. “Why doesee have to wasjhheez handz? Becozee’s Fraynch?” HAHAHAHAH!!! Marysol just stays quiet and let’s her mom do her thing. Trying to stop Elsa from making an ass of herself is like trying to stop a bird from singing. You can throw a rock at it, but it will probably poo on your head. Elsa seems to take great joy in mortifying her daughter, and I say cheers. Frenchy comes back from the bathroom and woops, time to go! Elsa whines “joogonna leaveme nowdat I’mteepzy?” Oh, ok. NOW you’re tipsy? Love her. Are we moving on to someone else right now? Cuz that makes me very unhappy. Long live Elsa!

Larva is at Toyota with her brother looking at used cars. He doesn’t want any of the crappy little ones cuz he can’t get a girl in them. He wants a giant truck. Larva doesn’t try to talk him out of it, probably because she doesn’t want him getting any at his age. There’s only one think people think when they see cars this big:

Sorry about your penis.

Larv is excited to be so generous with Pippen funds, but compared to other Housewives shows, this is kinda sad. Next week: Larva takes her mom to Wal-Mart. She goes into the dealership and tries to get a discount. Cheeeeap! Let’s get to something fun. Cheap rich people gross me out.

Adriama gets a call from her business partner (the guy who does everything) and he’s PISSED that the show’s not ready. He’s yelling and cursing and having a fit, but Adriama’s getting pavement poured onto her face to get the mold set on her problem areas. She’ll get there as quickly as she can. The call strayss her oud, and she mutters how Chubby Spirit Printer is never gonna make it cuz he’s lazy and stupid. This show will beals a suggsess dammit! She’s got a plan B! I’m calling it now: Tootsie roll wrappers.

Barbie makes Pretty go to the gym and work out “for his modeling”. After a plate of donuts. And come on. Can you aim a little higher for your son than a job standing around looking pretty? Make him read something. The trainer is an old stern lady, which is a bad game plan and he’ll never commit. The only reason I ever make it to the gym is because I know that after the elliptical I can see some wieners. Promise him a thirty minute shower and he’ll look like Brad Pitt in a week.

Time for the gallery opening! Frenchy says one of the paintings looks like Al Pacino in Serpeako. Marysol makes fun of how he pronounces it, which is cute but a little hypocritical considering her mom just called him MygalJagsone. He runs away to wash his hands. I don’t know if this guy is strong enough to marry into that family.

Larva shows up with giant sacks of money saline and gets to browsing the posters. I hate talking about boobs cuz ew but I think those things look a little square. She probably got them with a Groupon or some shit.

The Toyota Budget BoobJob

Cristylike shows up cuz she likelikesartlike. The show is all about putting up Miami Icons, and Lea’s on the wall. Wow. She should paint lines all over her face like this every day. It makes her hair look combed.

Larva can’t understand why she’s not on the wall. How many criminals did you collect this year, heiffer? Lea shows up looking like a widow trying not to get malaria.

I’m not getting bit by a mosquito and choking to death in my own blood. HOW FUN ISTHAAAT?!

She says this isn’t the time or place to tell off Cristylike cuz she’s too busy looking like a crazy person. Cristylike says she looks fucking ridiculous. It’s hard to argue with her.

Dame Edna’s dowdy sister.

Adriama, of course, is still at home getting her face drywalled. She eventually gets there, and her face looks like a new sidewalk. Sure, Chubby Spirit Printer only made half of the pieces she commissioned, but it worked out cuz any more and people would start having seizures. Lea welcomes Adriama by texting into her bberry. So. Rude. Then she says that next time Adriama should ask for her help with invites cuz there are too many b listers around. I don’t know if a gallery is where you want to invite thieves, but thank you mourning Mrs Roeper. And I think being on a reality show automatically makes you a c lister, so you’re lucky to be around b’s. Gloria Estafan’s gonna pretend she doesn’t know you next time she runs into you at Food4Less.

Spitting image.

She sees her own painting and squawks and then walks around like a chicken. Hilarious.

She’s gonna buy it, and thinks that Adriama should have had more rich people painted so she could sell more. She could have at least made a coaster for cheap ass Larva.

Adriama jokes that she’s got a very special surprise on its way here. A stripper! Just kidding…? They kinda believe her, and at this point I think we’re with them. Cristylike isn’t like turned on by stripperslike, and Larva don’t need no stripper! Her husband’s got a hot body. And don’t forget that face.

Larva and Cristylike are bored so they leave. They don’t get art. It’s cutelike, but ugh. I took them as cultural elitists, so I am shocked by this. They gossip in the car about what a wreck Lea looked like. Ooooh! Lea’s gonna squash you guys! DON’T YOU KNOW THE RULES OF MIAMI!!?? Compliment Lea and/or get thrown in prison or you’re OUT. Larv didn’t like the picture of Lea either. There should have been one of her, cuz she’s more famous than any of those losers. Audrey Hebpurn? Who even knows who that is?

Time for Adriama’s big surprise! She knew Chubby Spiritual Printer wasn’t going to finish his show, so she’s brought in her plan b. Oh lord. She’s flown an artist in from Paris to drip paint onto a canvas. One line makes the peekchoor! Adriama loves her gimmick art. Get the Where’s Waldo guy in there. You’ll make a fortune.

Chubby Spirit Printer has a partner, and when he sees that she’s brought in a new artist without telling them he starts having a feet. “These ees todal son of beech!” HAHAH. I will be saying that all week. The guy finishes and look! It’s another painting of Lea!

I just spilled my chocolate milk. Luckily, it was onto my carpet. I’m so selling that shit and buying a mansion. Adriama walks around saying “Eeets breeleeand no?” to everyone she sees. Lea changes clothes and freshens up her makeup a little.

Is that me again? How many paintings am I expected to buy tonight? SQUAWK!

Bitchy Partner comes up to Adriama and all her friends and tells her off for being so disrespectful of Chubby Spirit Printer. He goes off, but she doesn’t back down and kicks his stupid ass out of the gallery. He doesn’t leave though, and keeps trying to fight with her. Then her business partner tells her off for acting like such a child. I have a feeling they have this fight a lot. Next thing you know, there’s a footprint on the painting! HAHAH! Adriama starts shouting that it was Bitchy Partner and Lea starts asking to see the bottom of everyone’s shoes so she can give them her husband’s card before the police get there. It could have been anyone, considering the damn thing is on the floor. On a positive note, it definitely added some realism to Lea’s hair.

 

I think Partner should be made a regular cast member, cuz at least he yelled at someone. He’s the only one who knows how to work a Housewives show, apparently. MORE ELSA! I’m intrigued by her relationship with Reagan and I can’t get enough. Supposedly there is a shit ton of drama next week, but until then,

LOVE