RHOM Reunion Live!: Que the F?!?!

First LIVE Housewives Reunion show! YAAAAYYYY!!! Let’s welcome our crosseyed bobbleheaded master of ceremonies, Miss Bobblehead Andy Cohen!

I was not sitting dutifully at home waiting for the Real Housewives LIVE EXTRAVABOBBLEGANZA to start tonight. I recorded this shit on my computer to stumble in in the middle of the night and talk shit about. When I record shows on my computer, I start the recorder a little early, so that I don’t miss anything. Well, the point of all this is, this is the first thing I had to see tonight when I pressed PLAY.

I really like respect you as a business woman.

Um…..I have mace in my purse, Deatheater.

The live feed turns on and Bobble is already annoyed.

Headache.

The Housewives of Miami are already trying to talk over each other with words twenty percent of us don’t understand.

I’m calling it now. They’re giving me NO respect during my Mazel of the Week segment.

Bobble is super proud to be hosting the first ever live reunion. I’m super proud to be watching it. Sitting at home alone in the cold watching a bunch of women you don’t know fight over nothing is def a sign that you’re on the right track in life.

Larva’s first to be introduced. Because this is live, she doesn’t have time to check the monitor and realize the editors are showing off the only part of her nose her cheap ass Pippen approved doctor didn’t take care of.

That was horribly mean to point out, especially about a Lebaneze sister. But Larva has talked this much smack about being perfect and wealthy and nanny abusing and bitch has the nerve to show up on my tube with a half done nose? Is the nasal septum off limits in Miami? Fine. Not comfortable with bashing bad surgery? She’s wearing the Rachel. Altogether now…BOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!

Booooooox2!!!

Lea Black SQUAWK! is next. She’s made a concerted effort to comb her hair tonight. It didn’t work.

Dennis the Menace was named after a historical part of Florida my husband founded.

Bobble cracks “Lea Black, fresh off her latest black ball!” Is he referring to blacklisting Cristylike from Florida donating society or alluding to the fact that we all know Lea Black has squawked her way up countless black balls? I don’t know why I wrote that. It was gross, and really didn’t make sense. Too lazy to delete. Moving on.

Black balls? How fun is THAYUHT!?!?!

There is no hairspray in the world that can contain Lea’s hair. It’s like it’s always squawking.

HAIR SQUAWK!!!

Lea did what any of us would do if we had money and we saw ourselves for the first time on camera alongside millions of other people. She lost twenty pounds, called a gay to comb her hair, and tried on ten faces until she settled on Tila Tequila making out with Vanna White. That bitch looks nothing like herself. Hopefully she will speak soon. You can escape a face, but you can’t escape a SQUAWK!!

Cristylike is likeuninterestinglike and Marrrysole is all meek and meager, like Bobble’s doing her a huuuuge favor having her on the show (without her mom). Which, let’s face it, he kinda is (he kinda is). Busted Face Barbie is nervously great, and Adriama can speak five languages (but zero coherently).

Chong chong a ding dong a longy dong dong.

I know, right?

Bobble tells us that he’s pcyched to get to the show because he’s been taking OUR questions all night! YAY! I’ll start! How did you ever get a job? What’s your favorite color? Are you an alcoholic? Marlon Brando or Ray Liotta? What information is in those pink thesauruses? Seriously though…, how’d you get a job?

Oooooooohhhh!!!

We start with the drama we all really care about! Gaddafi has let his people gooooo! Just kidding. Lea’s stupid fucking charity thing to raise money for kids whose parents were thrown in the clink. I feel sorry for the kids of criminals. I feel sorrier for the kids of the fucking victims, k? Where are their GALAS, SQUAWK!?!? Oh wait. They just inherited a lot of money from their victim parents. Fuck those rich brats!

Cristylike didn’t like pay to go to Lea’s gala, Lea sent a certified envelope containing an invoice and hidden cam photos of Cristylike pretending Sex and the City wasn’t ten years ago, Lea then called into WWHL to call Cristylike a cheap ten dollar hooker. Caught up? Good.

Lea says that the only reason she’s pissed is cuz Cristylike never admitted the truth: that Lea works tirelessly for those in need and tried to accommodate (squeeze a couple thousand dollars out of) Cristylike the night before the gala. Here’s why Lea’s a bitch: it’s plain to see that Cristylike of COURSE wanted to be on the scene the night the show she’s on was filming, but she’s supporting three kids on alimony. A couple thousand bucks to stick your nose up criminal asses and pretend that jaywalking shouldn’t be a felony? Fuck off, Lea! When I marry a rich old ugly dude that makes his money off the backs of criminals I’ll have enough money to pay for a folded chair at your shit ass event. Until then, pass the shrimp, hooker!

Cristylike argues very calmly that tha troofth is that the “gala” was to be their first night of shooting together as “wives.” Huh? I don’t get it. Cuz they shot lots of stuff together, no? Maybe the first time they were shooting since they were changed from Miami Social Club into a Housewives show? No idea. But this can’t be their first time all together. Confused. Anyway, she only wanted to go because they were shooting together for the first time, and Marrrysole told her to just come and say that she knew her. Marrry jumps in. She’s talking! Where’s Elsa? Get Elsa in here! This shouldn’t be happening!

Marrry says that Cristylike is lying, and Marrry never said that. Cristylike says “You’re lying!” No you are! You ARE! AAAGHGHGH. Cristylike is lying, we all know it. Now the real mystery. Find Lea’s comb. No? Ok. Adriama could be talking about the weather, but her mouth forms such scary shapes when she talks it looks like she’s always about to literally bite your head off. Any convo with this one seems threatening.

Marrry just keeps saying “you’re lying.” Then she tells us that they saw each other at the salon the day before the gala and Cristylike said she bought a new dress for the gala. I wonder how long it took her to figure out how to get off that security thing they put in there once she stole that shit from Forever Wishing I Was 21. So that shows premeditation! You KNEW you were going to the gala and still didn’t pay! Cheap biatch! You guys, keep talking. It’s awesome that I’m on like page ten and we’re still talking about this ridonkliness. If Lea had just used eVite none of this would have happened.

Cristylike’s defense is “likewhateverI’mnotlying?k?”, so Adriama jumps in and starts saying “yore lyeen! Yore lyeen! I have to speak up coze I’m on da commeetee!” HAHAH! What does Adriama do on this commeetee? She seems very proud of whatever job title she holds. I think Lea probably just had a t-shirt made for her that says “COMMEETEE” to keep her ass quiet. Adriama is not the quiet type, though. She just yells LIAR a lot and then makes fun of Cristylike for dressing like she’s going to Food4Less instead of a Bravo reunion, which is, apparently, a lot classier than a Food4Less. This is when you pull out the zebra skin, stupid Cristylike!

Class

Bobble tries to stop the fighting, but he’s Bobble, re: incompetent. Doesn’t work. Cristylike says that she wants to work it out with Lea, but she could give a fuck about the commeetee. Lea tries to go back into her “two plus one equals three” argument, and Adriama is shouting again about how there were three of them and there’s footage of it so how can Cristylike deny it? With a gaping mouth and an eyeroll, that’s how! Cristylike says that there is footage of the moon landing but that doesn’t mean it happened. There’s footage of Kennedy being shot, but he’s in a mini series right now so how could he be dead?! There’s footage of the Muppet Babies replaying on Saturday mornings but that doesn’t mean Miss Piggy never grew into an adult! Cristylike should be a lawyer.

Bobble tries to calm them down again, but Lea won’t stop squawking about the poor kids who were screwed over by Cristylike’s lies. He snarks “It’s all for the children.” LOL. He tries cutting off the fight again, but Cristylike says it’s unfair cuz she wants to tell her side of her liestory again, and then Lea starts adding again, and then Adriama starts yelling about the Columbian girl from Fisher Island. Cristylike snaps that Adriama is jealous of Columbia because of her boyfriend or something, and then it’s just screeching and squawking. LOL. If the season had been like this, it would be beating Dancing With the Stars.

I am never producing a show with an all white cast again. This is brilliance.

Seriously though, let’s take a moment and realize together how fucking boring white people are. Well, not all of them.

SQUAWK!

Lea calls a truce and shakes hands with Cristylike, but they can’t stop arguing even as they shake. Love it. Now for a clip about Adriama being an insane drama queen who leaves her kid at school and shows up two hours late for her own event before being yelled at by that queen who was friends with Fat Lazy Hack Artist. Lea looked so good that night.

Bobble asks Adriama what she thinks about people who call her a drama queen. She says that no one wants boring and if they showed her how she really is this show would be bigger than Beverly Hills. You’d think that people being so trained by other shows to act like nutcases all in the name of ratings would be really boring and tired, but it’s just making me excited for season 2. The next question is what the frick is up with Larva and her nannies? She just expects a lot from her help, dammit! If she’s gonna have to mother her own children even an hour or so out of the day, what’s the point of spending Pippen’s hard earned money on Jamaicans? No one has an answer for that.

Bobble claims that “People have been saying” that Cristylike and Larva are just breeders, while the rest of the women actually raise their kids. Ouch, Bobble! We’re not supposed to call straight people breeders. It’s racist. Busted Barbie denies calling them breeders, but cops to saying that the women should raise their own kids. Larva tries to talk her way out of what she said about Adriama being a shitty mom cuz she left her kid at school, but Cristylike shuts her up and goes after Barbie. How dare she judge Cristylike’s parenting skillz!?!? Barbie says that Cristylike has a problem with everyone but Larva and then she gives her popping model eyes to the camera while Cristylike screams “two plus one is two!” over and over again. Bobble can’t help but smile. He has no control over any of this, and he’s just fine with that.

A good mother instills eating disorders in her children and buys them booze in high school. Duh.

Super dramatic mood music plays while we go to break. Bobble tries to tell us what’s coming up, but all we hear is the women arguing. HAHAHAHAH. What’s with this music? They should have a mariachi band playing LaCucaracha or something. This isn’t a horror movie.

OK, that’s debatable.

And now for a preview for RHONY. Sonja loves men and men love women who dress like Little Bo Peep.

Why do all the men I date turn out to be child molesters?

Horror music. We’re back. Bobble says this is probably the last live reunion. Cuz he has the taped ones totally under control. I wish Theresa was here to push his ass.

So, Adriama, remember that time that you deserted your son? Woops, she just forgot he got out of school an hour early! She was getting her face potholes filled at the time and then had a lunch date so she was planning on only being four hours late instead of three. Er….Lea squawks that Adriama is a good mom and her kid is self reliant. I would guess he’d have to be, eh? Cristy practically spits out “the Mayor of Miami has spoken.” Lea squawklaughs like it was a compliment.

This reunion has been way too fun, so let’s concentrate on Marrrysole’s wedding! She cries because she sees herself cry and it makes her cry. Marrrysole needs to just not talk. Bobble asks her about the creepy Justice of the Peas vow reading, and Marrrysole says that she didn’t want to cry cuz she would see herself cry and it would make her cry. What about Lea being mean about the engagement? Cristylike tells her to be honest. Shut up, Judge Booty. Marrry will be honest! She loves Lea Black and her husband and knows that no harm was meant long live the Black Gala. Cristylike calls bs and says that Marrry’s mom clams up every time the name Lea is mentioned and she will only whisper “Lea ees da maaayorrrr.” HAHAHAH. Elsa’s even hilarious when she’s not here.

Bobble asks Marrry if she’s intimidated by the Squawkfather, and Marrry says no of course not and she wants to keep her business so let’s all just change the subject. What about Elsa and Marrry’s DUI arrest? They were both driving drunk on different nights. She learned not to drink and drive! Awwww. Adriama argues that it never would have happened if they lived in NY, like the police in Miami are totes unfair for pulling people over when there’s not a decent subway system or something. I love the logic on this show. Marrry claims that Elsa wasn’t drunk, she’s just old and crazy and shakes and drives with her lights off and hardly ever drinks.

I’m a ladeeee!

Clips of Elsa being awesome. Els calls Lea every day now, which is weird and wonderful. There has been a dumptruck of questions about how many facelifts Elsa has had. Marrry questions the term dumptruck, and rightfully so. WTF is Bobble even saying? Katie Couric needs a job. Get her ass in here. Marrry avoids the question and says that she works so she doesn’t know what happens during doctor’s hours. It’s obviously bs, but it’s called respecting the elderly, LARVA. Does Marrry feel upstaged by Elsa’s personality? She says no, but I have my finger on the FF button the whole time she’s onscreen. I imagine that’s how everyone who knows her feels when Elsa’s not around. Horror music. Commercial. Might I suggest a new cast member for season 2?

You’re full of venomous shit and you talk funny. HIRED!

Clip of Adriama saying that Cristylike and Larva are backstabbing hookers. Clips of Cristylike and Larva talking shit about Adriama. Cristylike said Adriama uses Lea as a rich man pimp. Adriama calls Cristylike a pathological liar cuz Cristylike is spouting off that Adriama told her Lea fixes her up with ugly dudes and pays for her kid’s schoolin’. Why would she ever tell Cristylike that? Cristylike is an idiot, and she’s super fun to watch tonight. Lea insists that she has never fixed Adriama up on a date and says that the only people she pimps are children of criminals to raise money from her friends to pay her husband’s astronomical legal bills. Coral Gables doesn’t just pay for itself, dammit.

Is Cristylike jealous of Adriama? Here we go. Cristylike says that the thought is hilarious, as is thinking in general. Adriama yells that Cristylike blogged that she needs a mirror, and then shouts “YOU need a mirror! You look like a man!” HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA! They start shouting over each other about each other’s blogs, and Adriama shouts that Cristylike can’t run away from the truth “Cuz eet’s on dee eenternet!” Valid point.

Bobble waits til they’re done, then asks Larva how she fits in. Larv whines “I don’t knoooow!” Larva is the biggest asshole on this show, so it brings me great pleasure to point out that no matter what angle they show her, her nose is totally fucked. Don’t mess with a Lebanese nose. Those things have a mind of their own and will take revenge on your ass.

Adriama shouts that she hates Larv cuz she hangs with Cristylike. Then Cristylike gets in on the action and starts criticizing Ad, but Ad shouts “at least I’m not giving 19 year olds blowjobs like you do!” HAHAHAH!!! The fact that these personalities weren’t captured during the season is a CRIME. This is hilarious. Ad shouts that she has proof. Oh god please don’t pull out a spooge sock or something. I can only take so much. Bobble asks how Cristylike felt hearing Ad diss her marriage on TV, and Cristylike says it hurt cuz she’s the mother of five. Ad jumps in and yells that two kids are only steps and they don’t count and Cristylike doesn’t even use her real name and she’s a fake bitch. Meanwhile, one of Bobble’s statues picks Cristylike’s nose.

Cristylike tells Bobble that the only reason Adriama did the show was to make her ex cringe every time he saw her on TV. I’m cringing, does that count? Ad yells some more about Cristylike being a whore and says that she fucked a Zumba instructor in her kid’s house. BWAHAHAHAH. GOOGLE YOURSELF, CRISTY FERNANDEZ!

Bobble changes the subject. Cuz he’s Bobble and has to ruin everything good. Let’s hear from Larva’s biggest fan…Larva! Clips of Larva talking about how perfect and gorgeous she is.

Then clips of the Elsa argument and Larva saying Els is just jealous cuz she’s young and gorge. Why would you push Elsa into a reading and then get mad when she gave it to you? Bobble repeats all the predictions, and Larv immediately goes into defense mode. Which means she whines and talks over everyone like an emotionally immature brat. She was “hurt” that Elsa told her mean stuff and it wasn’t her fault the old lady picked on her! WAAAHHH! Marrry says that Larv pushed Elsa into it and wouldn’t let it drop and made and ass of herself. Larv is still talking over her going “Nuh uh! Nuh uh! Nuh uh!” Then Marrry cries and says she’s hurt. Larva’s hurt. Everyone’s so hurt. You know who’s hurt? Japan. Moving on.

I know you are but what am I? You are! Poopy diaper nanny booboo. Turtle.

Marrry says that Larv wouldn’t shut up and Marrry had to beg the editors to cut most of what Larva said cuz it was so nasty she didn’t want it on TV. HEY! FUCK YOU, EDITORS! No fair. Larv argues that not everything that Elsa said made it to air either. COME ON! What’s the point of even taping this crap if we aren’t gonna get to see it all? BOOOOOO! Larv suggests that Elsa is a drunk and that’s why she was so “mean” cuz all Larv did was pleasantly say nice to meet you “like a little girl!” and she was attacked. Such a lying sack of saline. Meh. I’m over it. NEXT! Horror music as Lea squawks, complete with air quotes, “HAH! Like a perfect little girl! HAHAHAH!” You guys? I love Lea.

When we come back, Bobble tells us that there was a knock down drag out during commercials. Marrry said Larva is an angry person who lies about her finances and Larva said Marrry is obsessed with plastic surgery and is as old as her mother. HOLY SHIT. HELLO! Why aren’t we seeing this? Bravo is dropping the ball like a straight girl on the softball field tonight. Marrrysole says that an apology won’t solve any of this, and Larva whines and says she’s sorry Elsa’s mean. Awkward pause. Sooo, Larva, do you lie about your finances? “I don’t know, you know I don’t know. I’m comfortable everything’s fine everything’s great I don’t know.” HAHAHAH. So, yes?

Larva was just kidding when she said she was more famous than all the people on the gallery wall. Lea knows that Larv was just kidding, right!?! Lea squawks that when Lea “kids” Larva calls her rude. HA good point. Speaking of shitty jokes, let’s watch Lea being mean to everyone and laughing really loudly about it. After the clip, Lea is laughing at her own shittiness. She looks like Connie Chung with her new face. No likey.

Is she passive aggressive or massive agressive? She’s so busy! She just likes to laugh! Does she wanna take anything back from the season? No, but her timing was off sometimes. She cracks up more. Hey! Busted Barbie is still here! What about you making Hot Son nervous about being fat? Well, being a model requires a perfect body so she’s a good mom. What about her saying her magazine is for poor people? She was just trying to explain the demographics so don’t get mad at her for calling poor people poor. Then she jumps on Larva and Cristylike for talking shit about her talking shit on poor people in their blogs. Cristylike and Barbie start fighting, which means it’s time to cut to break. COME OOOON! BOOOOOOOO!

When we come back, Lea is squawking “maybe a little bird told her!” I don’t even know what she means and I’m laughing. Adriama is yelling at Cristylike about something, and Barbie gets ten seconds to apologize to poor people. Commercial. FUCK THIS!! BOOOOOOOOO!

We’re back, and of course there was a huge fight during break that we didn’t see. Well done, Bravo. You guys suck ass. Adriama has a glass of champers in her hand and she’s shouting disgustedly that Cristy was with some dude named G Money and when he was gone her money was gone…or something. Bobble says that the dude Ad accused Cristylike of blowing was actually her stepson. Um, I think that makes the accusation worse, no? Cristylike doesn’t think so, and says that yes that was her stepson and she loves him. Possibly way too much. Then she complains that she got the short end of the stick this season. So now your stepson has a little one? I’m uncomfortable.

She has a business and it was never even shown! She sells clothes! Who fucking cares? Bobble doesn’t apologize. Larva is still mad that Marrrry called her poor and she doesn’t care what anyone says cuz she’s positive and Bobble is as beautiful as she is. She’s fucking lame and needs to stfu. Lea says that Larva is a backstabber, so Larv publicly states that Lea is a tacky dresser. The END.

Wow. So that was a wonderful mess. Totally pissed that we didn’t get to see the fights, but this was the best episode of the year and I can’t wait to see the next season. Thanks for being with me through all of this, you guys! Did anyone watch the aftershow? Was it as big a disaster as this hour? Cuz I wanna watch this again.