RHOM: Witchery, Bitchery, and Fatassery

We open with Marrrysol going to show Elsa her wedding pictures. Mom says to enjoy that shit cuz “dee baset parrr of marriage ees da peektchoorrrs.” HA. I figured the best part was the reception buffet. Or the part where the husband dies and leaves you everything. Or the part where you have babies and they grow up to hate you. Can I just point out right now that Elsa is kind of a slut today?

Well hey. Old witches can wear tight clothes too. It doesn’t mean they’re whores out to have sex with strangers and steal their wallets. But when we get a close up on her feet, I know my initial suspicions were dead on.

Come Fuck Me Socks

Marrrysol asks what Elsa did last night, but Elsa doesn’t remember. LOL. “Ees my age, jew no?” Or that you serviced a battalion and don’t wanna spend all morning on the details. Don’t blame ya, hooker. Marrrysol starts sliding through the pics, and they’re kinda lonely. There’s the shot of her standing alone in the snow. And another. And another. Wait. There she is rolling down the mountain cuz she didn’t wear sticky shoes. Alone. Oh wait, there’s one of Frenchy! Making out with the wine fridge. Sad horns.

Elsa compliments the pics and says ayverytheeng loog beauoodeefool, Marrrysol. Then she launches into the talk. No, not the birds and the bees talk. The marriage sucks donkey bawls talk. Way to rain on the quincenera, Els. Something’s wrong with her face today. Well, more wrong than usual. Either she slept on one side of it, she had a touch of the Bell’s Palsy, or Tim Burton came to her at night and tried dragging her back into the Nightmare Before Christmas.

Fine. If you insist on being married, then when are you gonna start popping out sheeldrens? Marrrysol says she doesn’t have time for that right now. Girl, you don’t have much MORE time, period. If you’re gonna have those things have em now. Your mom’s a witch, not a miracle worker. You’re gonna be like eighty when they drop out of high school as it is. She says that she doesn’t even have time to entertain that thought at the moment. Elsa responds “whaddyou mean you done have time? You done enderdain those theengs.” HAHAHAH! You don’t have to dance for the little fuckers; just feed them, wipe them, and beat the shit out of them when they look at you the wrong way.

Frenchy wants a baby bad, but Marrry wants a face that doesn’t look like Flipper doing the My Name is Chubby joke. We can’t always get what we want. Elsa wanted grandkids when she was thirty five, not a hundred. She doesn’t have the patience to chase after them and have them throw food at her when she tells them to eat. She changes the subject to something else that will make Marrry feel awesome.

Just two. Elsa says “I taughd eed was thrrree or fourrrr.” Cackle. Love her. If she would record her voice reading the Bible, I’d probably go to heaven ten times over cuz I’d listen to it all day every day.

You’ll be happy to know that Busted Barbie Alexia doesn’t only put herself in her Poor People, or Pobresitos, magazine. She also uses her old ugly dude to get her kid in the rag, too. She got him a spread to inspire all the poor people who read. One of the captions under his pic says “his shyness might make some people think he’s arrogant.” Or the fact that his mommy gave him a spread without ever having done crap. Either way. Barbie says “you inherited lots of things about me.” She used to be shy too! Now look at her! She’s proudly donning skintight orange sailor suits and falling over half naked models before getting into bed with a guy who sports a face like a moldy prune. Your life is gonna be greeeeeat.

Hot Son used to love American Football, or as we call it here in America, Not Mexican Soccer. Alas, he tore a tendon or something and now all he can do is look super hot naked. That’s really all you need. As long as he can grunt and point, he can point at fast food buttons on a menu and not starve. I can’t believe people used to think Busted Barbie was stuck up. I wait for her to launch into a speech about how no one can tell the difference between her and a gorgeous always twenty Barbie doll, but she doesn’t. Cuz she’s not stuck up. If she wants to give her kid some advice he can actually use in the real world, she should suggest that he never make this face. EVER.

Barb says that it’s good to have connections, but she’s only here to fill her kid with some self confidence after getting hurt in sports. You might wanna suggest he get pride from growing some brains or something. Besides, I don’t know what makes you think modeling is safe. Twink models get tackled all the time, and they don’t just rip shoulders.

Larva is hosting a designer party for her friends. Cuz that’s what people on a Housewives show do. I’ve thought about having my friends over to buy some stained Hanes t-shirts, but I don’t wanna have to feed the fuckers. Have I mentioned lately that being poor sucks? Adriana shows up and Larva worries that she’s gonna start more drama. Well, duh. Just hope she doesn’t start taking her clothes off and giving herself skid marks with the lame moves her stripper coach taught her last week. Lord knows she’s dressed for it.

Lea the hen shows up clucking out jokes no one laughs at. She’s wearing a terrible dress with eggs all over it and a snuggie as a scarf. If Lea was a bit less powerful and people weren’t so afraid of her, I’d like to think someone would pull her aside and beat her with a Vogue.

Cristylike is rolling her eyes with her mouth agape. In other words, she’s the same as always. She could be set on fire and she’d just stand there slackjawed muttering as many likes as she could before she turned into dirt. She says that Lea’s not even from Miami, she’s from Texas. The only reason she’s so powerful is cuz she’s married to the most popular lawyer in a town full of criminals with money. And? Is that not a good enough reason to be powerful? You got your power from marrying some 7 foot tall Neanderthal and sending his ass alimony invoices. How is that better? I hope for Cristylike’s sake that she never gets arrested.

Lea notices the eye rolling and machine gun likes coming from the other side of the room, but she doesn’t care. She’s SORRY that Cristylike was offended by the invoice, but HOW FUN WAS THAYAT?!?! CLUUUUUCK! She adds that had Cristylike not told the whole town about the invoice, no one would have known about it and she wouldn’t have been embarrassed. LOL. No one but AMERICA, the people those cameras are taping you for. Point is, she says she’s not gonna start any drama and doesn’t care about Cristylike. Well, that’s big of you. Wait. Now she’s wandering around clucking about how she’s the queen of the beach. LOL. Lea is such an ass. I love it. I demand a Lea/Elsa roadtrip! And if you’re not gonna start drama, you have no place here. That goes for all of you.

Larva takes this moment to start drama with Adriama about not starting any drama. Got that? She very nicely says that she doesn’t want Ad starting any crap today after ruining her big lunch at Mickey Rourke’s place. Adriama gets all child voiced. “Quien? Yoooooo? DIOS MIIIIIO!” She says she deeden mean to stard notheen! Eets coze off da comeetee! Larva doesn’t know what she’s saying, so she just nods sweetly, huffs her square boobs up and down, and walks off. That’s it? Come on ladies! It’s the finale! Don’t make me call Medium in here on your asses.

Busted Barbie hates drama and stays far away from it. By that she means she pours herself a glass of pinot grigio, pops some popcorn, and sits ringside. This bitch is one of those people that sits in the front row at Sea World just so they can complain about getting splashed.

Someone should stop this. Shit I forgot to put butter on this I’ll be right back. And if my son comes in here don’t give him any popcorn. I don’t like fat people.

Speaking of people who have no business being models…

Mother please at least put on some hose to cover that bruise. We’re trying to have lunch.

Lea clucks Adriama to try on a bathing suit, which of course wasn’t much of a struggle. Please don’t show off your stripping moves. Adriama is looks ridiculous as usual. Dear Miami: Please stop trying to make clothes. Love, Flipit and America. I can only think of one thing as I look at this.

Skid marks.

Cristylike hates Ad, but Marrrysol loves her cuz she’s crazy. Agreed. Marrrysol is so nice and normal. She needs to be fired stat. The other half of Selma and Patty comes up to Larva and Cristy cuz no one else will allow any drama to happen today. They start gossiping about what a bitch Ad was for “jumping” Cristylike at Larva’s big lunch.

And it will be more entertaining than the three of you put together.

Ad walks up on the girls talking about her and then immediately walks away so they can finish without her starting drama. LOL! It’s pretty hilarious. When they’re done, she comes up and kisses them goodbye. Cristylike wouldn’t speak to her all day, and it’s because of the reason that all Housewives use: SHE MUST BE JEALOUS OF ME!! Yes, Adriama. Everyone’s jealous. Cristylike spends her free time sleeping on floors hoping to trip old dudes and talking them into picking up her children from school.

We’re ALL jealous.

Adriama goes to the spa with Old Rich Guy, and she’s wearing another dress with the weird saggy hips thing. What’s the point of working out if you’re gonna go out in public looking like you’re wearing a dress made out of stretch marky ex fat person skin?

Ad has doubts about Old Rich’s intentions to marry her. He seems to be nervous about having to pay for private school and running carpool, and if he’s not gonna be ok with running her errands while she gets the potholes on her face paved for hours at a time, she’d rather know right now so she can trap a man who can handle it while she’s still young fresh gorgeous able to touch her toes in stripping class.

To carpool!

They strip down to their bathing suits for each other while sexy music plays. I’m all for people without perfect bodies getting naked and enjoying each other for who they are. Just not on my TV. I feel the same way when those starving African kid commercials come on. I feel for you guys, I really do, but please get out of my living room. Shouldn’t you be outside?

They both wanna get collected by Lea.

Adriama’s dad slept with the housekeeper, then Ad’s husband banged a teenager. It’s so hard to trust men when you’re scared of them. Trust me honey, men are way more scared of you than you are of them.

The skidmarks are spreading. Get to a doctor and for Godsake stop stripping class.

Instead of asking Old Rich if he wants to marry her, she passively aggressively mentions that the ex has been calling cuz he wants her back. It worked! Old Rich says that he wants to adopt her son and run carpools. This gets Ad hot, so she drops the passive aggressive bs and asks when she’s getting a ring. LOL! I kinda love her. He pauses awkwardly, but then says he will marry her whenever she gives him a date. HA. Every girl’s dream.

Marrrysol is at home with her new husband, Frenchy, and she’s annoyed that he’s now as addicted to his blackberry as she is. I don’t know why anyone even bothers talking to anyone in person at all anymore. Online, people are less smelly and if you hate them you can just delete them from your facebook. Some people call this the decline of the human experience, I call it HEAVEN. People smell. It’s Marrrysol’s turn to have a dinner party, and Frenchy’s gonna be the chef! They smile at each other and then he gets back to his phone. He’s already learned to ignore you and lead a secret internet life you know nothing about. It’s like you’ve been married for years!

Now that we’ve got a place for tonight’s dinner party, let’s get grossed out so that we won’t eat too much and get as fat as Barbie’s son. Adriama is gonna get married, I think, so she celebrates by showing off the moves she learned in stripper class.

You’ve never looked so stunning. If only you could take that frosted glass with you everywhere.

Stock in Windex just went through the roof.

She comes out from behind the frosted door and you can actually hear the sound of Old Frenchy’s half boner deflate completely. She does a really awkward strip tease for him. This would be so much more bearable if she was wearing tap shoes. EW!!! FF.

Marrrysol takes pride in knowing how to put together a beautiful party. Putting together a beautiful outfit? Not so much. She looks like she’s gonna whip out a guitar and start singing at the table. I hate that shit. Mariachi people are worse than homeless people, cuz they’re let inside restaurants. No one interrupts my binge time, bitch! I’m really angry right now. I think I need a break.

That was a lovely song. Now could you make yourself useful and bring me some more salsa?

Poor Marrrysol can’t go anywhere without people asking where her mom is, so she avoids that by just inviting her mom. That way she can stop pretending she has something interesting to say and just concentrate on getting the food out on time. Elsa arrives wearing Freddy Krueger’s face as a dress.

How many children has that dress murdered, WITCH?!!?

Frenchy offers to put some ice in Elsa’s wine and she’s mortified. “Whad kyend of crrrime arrre jew commeeteen?” HAHAHAHAH. She seems genuinely pissed. There needs to be a blackberry app for counting down the days until your mother in law dies. I’m gonna be riiiich!

Larva tells Lea that she hasn’t met Elsa, but she thinks she’s seen her face in a movie or something.

Joo arre goeen to rrroll down da mountayne!

Larva wants to know the scoop. She’s heard that Elsa is a psychic. Lea clearly doesn’t wanna talk shit about Elsa, so she changes the convo slightly and says she and Larva should find someone to read their cards and dress up like other people so the psychic won’t just guess their futures based on their looks. Lea’s been to psychics before and she’s sick of hearing “you’re gonna pop out a dozen eggs this week.”

Larva says that psychics cheat and just guess futures based on looks. Like, you know, like a pretty girl can like go to a psychic and psychic will say “Oh you’re pretty. You’re gonna find a great guy”, and like an ugly girl can go to a psychic and she’ll say “Oh, you’re gonna be educated.” HAHAHAHAHAH!!! Larva is such. A. Dick. But knowing that her theory is that pretty people don’t need an education explains a lot.

Larva tells Marrrysol that she doesn’t believe in psychics so she wants to test drive Elsa like a cheap ass Toyota. Larv is psyched to meet her and asks what vibes she’s picking up from her. Elsa doesn’t know how to say “square tits” in English, so instead she tells Larv “You vary worrry bout man.” Uh oh!! Frasier’s cheating on your ass, girl! Larva doesn’t like that vibe and denies that she’s worried about a man. Why would she be? She’s got the sexiest beast in Miami waiting at home for her!

Larv laughs it off and says it must be about her kids. Elsa warns her that she shouldn’t be talking about this in front of other people, but Larva keeps pushing. Elsa mutters that it’s not her sons, and it’s not her dad or uncle. It’s someone named after a musical from the 70′s. There is a really long awkward pause as everyone waits for Elsa to reveal that Pippen is giving blowjobs at truck stops or something, but she says nothing else with words. Her face, though, says “I’m going to make menudo out of your sons’ stomach lining, heifer.”

Larva thinks Elsa is crazy, and if she was a real psychic she would have complimented her pretty hair and nice spirit. LOL. If she were a real psychic, she would call the ASPCA to report your abuse of Turtles.

Frenchy is in charge of this “cooking lesson”, and it’s super tacky. He’s got a new business selling frozen fish or some shit, so he puts his product out on the table and shows how easy and tasty it is! The girls all think this self promotion is a little gross, as if they’ve never watched a Housewives show before. You know they won’t be as offended next year when they come back to the show with tupperware lines to hawk on air. At least Frenchy didn’t make them all go on a boat where they would be stuck with his jewelry line while he screamed “I’M REJUVINATED!” a million times a la Ramona. Consider yourself lucky, bitches.

Lea says that the ladies are being rude and if people wanna hawk their boiled dinners then good for them. She doesn’t shut up Adriama when she shouts “I feel like I’m een a eenfomershul!”, though. Hilarious.

The ladies gather round the table with their boiled fish and immediately start taunting Elsa to give them readings. Uh oh. We all know how this ends up.

Your children are gonna die in a fire and I’m not gonna help you save them. KNOW THAT!

Elsa jokes that she is too expensive for the ladies to hire, and Larva makes the grave error of announcing to the table that she doesn’t believe in psychics. I don’t believe in square tits, but there they are. Someone asks Elsa to tell Lea something about herself. I predict Elsa will predict that Lea has a habit of pushing children off the horsey ride outside the grocery store.

Elsa looks a bit uncomfortable. She knows that she could need a lawyer at any moment, so she answers “Lea done have no prrroblem…” providing breakfast from her womb every morning. Busted Face Barbie doesn’t like that prediction, and says that no one is perfect but God. And Sandra Bullock, right? RIGHT? Barbie is more of an emotional wreck than she leads on. No mention of what exactly is going on with her neck, but I’d venture to predict that she will be introduced to Adriama’s pothole filler by next season.

Adriama needs a man. LOL! But she has one! “Zo? Derrre arre mayn weed tree weemen!” Someone’s got HBO.

How Elsa thinks all gringos live. Thanks, Time Warner!

Cristylike believes that some people can, in fact, feel vibes. Take Cristylike for example! She’s kinda psychic! When she crashed Lea’s gala she met a guy named Bill and then a week later she got a bill in the mail. Like.

Elsa says that Larva is wonderrrfool and I lige herrr vayree moche! But she’s emotionally immature. LOL. Ya think? That’s some deep reading, there. Larva agrees and thinks Elsa only thinks she’s an immature brat because she’s met her so there’s no psychic ability there. Well, at least she’s kinda self aware. Lea clucks “maybe that’s why you get along so well with your children!” HAHAHAHAH. Of course, Larva’s reasoning for Elsa’s “attack”? She’s jealous, of course! Not only is Larva GORGEOUS and YOUNG and RICH, she’s also got a man with a brain as scrambled as Elsa’s face. Who wouldn’t be jealous?

Larva says that she’s no believer in Elsa’s ability. Zo whhyy deed you azk mee fore rrreadeen? Because Larva wanted to be amused by you. Wrong thing to say. Or Elsa’s choking on some boiled salmon.

Marrrysol looks mortified. She knows where this is heading, and it’s not gonna be pretty. Elsa mutters “chee ees confyooze.” Larva is offended. So offended that she’s about to start a brawl with an old lady. She gets her finger in Elsa’s face and demands to know how many times she’s been married. Four. Well, Larva’s been married once, so there! Honey, everyone knows Pips hasn’t left your greedy ass only because he doesn’t know his ATM pin number and you’ve hidden all his money. Larv won’t let it go and keeps shouting over everyone and playing with her hair.

Elsa explains that Larva doesn’t have to believe in witchery if she doesn’t want to, but soon energy is going to come at her that makes her believe it. The Great Pippen Escape!! I hope they pick this show up for a second season just so I can see Scotty running around the cul-de-sac trying to figure out how to get out. Larva is pissed and giggling like a child, so Elsa turns to her and gives her advice her mother was apparently too busy to give her while trying to raise enough money to buy her kid implants large and scary enough to bag a rich guy:

Larva’s nervous and screeching now. The only person louder than her is Lea, who is off her damn phone for the first time this season. Larva keeps on screeching, so Elsa ignores her and starts talking in Spanish. Romana does that shit. I would threaten to fire Elsa and chain her to the radiator if she was here right now.

She says that Larva is gonna have some things come down the pike cuz life is always a work in progress and who knows? She might be poor one day. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!! That stops Larva dead in her tracks for a second, and then she freaks out, saying that Elsa doesn’t know what she’s talking about and she’s the most stable person at the table. Cristy has how many babies from lord knows how many different daddies, Elsa’s own kid is on her eighteenth marriage, Lea makes a living off criminals and collects black people, etc. Then, in the same breath, she says that her mom raised her to be positive and she doesn’t understand how people can say such negative things about others.

The emergence of the Asshole

Elsa, bored with Larva, turns to Cristylike and tells her she fucked up her marriage by cheating. LOL! I know I say this in every recap, but Elsa needs to be on every Housewives show. And run the reunions. And work at every gas station I go to. I want her in my life twenty four seven. Cristylike tells us that she never cheated, her husband just beat up some guy at her house so everyone thinks she’s a slut and there were only two people with her at the gala and one plus two equals three and like omghuhwtf. Elsa is talking a lot, but all she really has to say is “next time you find a man, don’t be a slut.”

Larva doesn’t like that the convo has turned away from her, so she starts yelling that she could have guessed Marrrysol would marry Frenchy cuz he’s young and hot and doesn’t scream when he sees her without makeup and there is no psychic ability involved in that. Larv keeps screeching and acting like Veruca Salt, but everyone who has an internet connection knows that Elsa was dead on about the poverty thing.

Marrrysol tries to get Els to slow down with the drinking, but the mere suggestion is offensive. “Have joo ayverrr seen jore mother dronk?!? I em ladee!”

A really drunk one.

The party is ruined, and everyone pretty much agrees that it’s Larva’s fault. You don’t argue with people’s moms, no matter how batshit they are. Larva decides to move the convo on in a super adult way and recovers her damaged reputation.

Well the boiled salmon business isn’t getting much help tonight.

At home, Larva meets up with half of Selma and Patty to complain about how much trouble they have (paying for) with nannies. They need more rules. No foreign languages! What do Jamaicans speak, anyway? Thankfully, the word “cunt” is universal.

Marysol goes to visit Elsa to dish about the part. Elsa thinks “eet waz redardid” HAHAHAHAH. Larva was a real biatch, eh? What was with her fighting with an old woman? Elsa says that she felt lige a gooze weet a brogen nake and those women were all idiot nobodies. Marrrysol says that now she knows the real Larva and thinks she’s as unsavory as the boiled salmon her new husband is trying to hawk.

Busted Barbie is taking Hot Son to a modeling agency, and he’s already looking douchey enough to fit the mold.

Those sunglasses make you look fat.

The model agent makes him take off the glasses. HAHAH. Barbie wants to find something her son is good at, and since there’s not a job that requires people to just lie on the couch muttering “uuuuuuh” all day, she figures she can sell his body. The agent insists on getting pics taken, and Hot Son is treated like a cow up for purchase, as all models should be treated.

Make your money before that hairline takes you down, sugar. And brush your teeth.

He gets super nervous when he is told to take off his shirt, because he’s totally insecure with his body. Barbie is very proud of that, as she instilled it in him. I haven’t seen a mother that blatantly scarring since…mother’s day. Just in case you were wondering, this is what obesity looks like:

Oh no, Delta’s depressed again.

Hot Son is pissed at Barbie cuz she let him eat so much at lunch and now he’s fat. She explains that to be a model, you have to be prepared to take off your shirt at all times. Same as if you were a busboy. Or President. Or a recapper.

Barbie never became a model because she likes to eat. Not because of her slightly crossed eyes or uneven nostrils or tree trunk neck. So don’t go spreading rumors.

Agent thinks Hot Son is hot and they’re gonna sign him but he needs more personality. Where can he buy that? Agent has to keep him insecure to keep him pliable. Barbie’s “don’t put anything your mouth before you think about it” advice could really come in handy right now.

Larva and Cristylike hang out with the kids at Larva’s pool. Cristylike wants Larva to have a partylike, invite Elsa, and also bring Larva’s sister to tell her off. Larva hates Elsa and won’t have her at her home. Cristylike loves all of this and blames Marrrysol for not telling her mom to stfu in Spanish. Who raised these trashy hos? Seriously. Larva tries talking Cristylike into getting rid of her dogs because they smell and says she should give a dog to Marrrysol so she can learn to be responsible and learn to not get married a million times. I don’t know how that makes any sense, but Larva is so confident in her c wordiness that I can’t help but smile. PLEASE have that party. I would love to see you get your ass handed to you again. Elsa don’t take crap. She’d probably show up in a dress bought from the yard sale Larva had to try and pay some bills.

Marrrysol gets a package from Lea. It’s white gloves for her cooking party. They have to wear hats and white gloves. Uh oh. They’re gonna all murder Cristylike together. YAY! Adriama is hanging with Old Rich and she’s showing off her nastiness. UGH. Please make this fucking stop. I really can’t take much more. I haven’t been this scared of a vagina since I was pushed out of one.

Oh God. She’s stuck to the front of the boat now. I’m changing the channel.

They get to a deserted island, which is where they should be relegated to forever. Adriama strips some more and I go to the bathroom to cleanse myself of calories. She gets him to half assedly agree to marry her again by showing him her hoohaw, and then says that men are dumb and it’s all about the “panky spanky.” I don’t know what that is, and I know she’s trying to be sexy, but all my brain can see right now is:

Busted Barbie meets some friends for dinner with her Rich Old Ugly Guy to celebrate her Hot Sun’s graduation. They were so worried that Hot Son would never make anything of himself, and now look at him! He’ll be making money selling his body. YAAAAY! Well done! Barb starts hounding Hot Son about being fat again, and then they hold hands. This family’s just fucking creepy.

Barbie wrote a letter for Hot Son, but he can’t read so well so she reads it for him. She cries about how wonderful he is and we get to see pics of him dressed like this:

And he didn’t excel at sports? I can’t believe it.

The first time Hot Sun met Larva

Fat Swan

The girls all show up at Clucky Gables so Lea can take them to a surprise location. Larva immediately goes up to Marrrysol to confront her about Elsa’s predictions. She’s mad because Marrry was a “co-conspirator” and didn’t tell Elsa to stop. Stop? Don’t you think Marrrysol has tried her whole life to shut her mother up? And if we’re all gonna be blamed for our mother’s actions, then arrest me right now for hoarding all the boxes of Franzia that time we all thought a hurricane was coming to El Paso.

Larva won’t stop squealing about how offended she is. Marrry stays calm and points out that Larva threw down the gauntlet by proclaiming that she didn’t believe in witches. Larv won’t stop talking, so everyone just sits there and tries to justify to themselves why Larva got the (once) richest stud in Miami.

Lea has supplied the most obnoxious stretched limo she could find to take the ladies six hours away to an organic farm. Organic food is disgusting. I would rather eat food that’s been growing inside a jar with steroids to make it bigger than eat food that’s grown out of poop. But that’s me.

The women are dressed like they’re going to black church, and they end up having to walk through dirt. I love it. Lea clucks that all of their lunches and dinners have been uncomfortable and horrible to be at so she’s just returning the favor. HAHAH! Long live Lea!

Now you can all see where I was raised! I was supposed to be turned into migas, but I survived it and now look at me! HOW FUN IS THAYUHT?!?!

Larva is disgusted because there are smelly dogs everywhere and she knows they’re peeing on stuff. You deserve all the dog pee you ingest. Michelle Bernstein is there to cook for them! She’s the sluttiest guest judge on Top Chef, and it will be interesting to see her in a setting without men to slobber all over. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her in clothes that covered her rack before. She looks weird.

There are mosquitos everywhere, and the ladies are pissed. They know Lea hates the outdoors and mosquitos, too, so they don’t get why they’re there. Cuz Lea HATES YOU.

WHO ARE YOU?!

They start eating petunias from the farm. Next up, eating clitoria. Uh oh, I hope that doesn’t mean they have to eat Michelle, cuz you know that skank isn’t disease free. I love that even with no men to eye bang around, Bernstein is obsessed with making people eat her clitoria. Larva complains about the long drive and the heat all for a salad. HA! Cristylike agrees and says she wants a burger. Barbie says that the biggest crime was bringing Michelle out to make a salad without even a penis for her to enjoy.

There’s a worm on Larva’s plate, and Lea tells her to eat it. HAHAH. Lea tries to make light of it, but Larva says that she doesn’t appreciate being brought out here to eat bugs. She says “you guys wanna come to my house (before it’s reposessed)? I have a nice house.” And you totally deserve it, Larva! All that hard work you’ve done in your life!

Marrrysol, with a good natured half botox wink, asks if she can bring her mom. Larva shouts “sure. My mom will be there and she’s a bigger bitch than your mom.” WOAH!! STOP THE CAR! It’s such a rude, shockingly c wordy thing to say that Cristylike closes her mouth.

Marrrysol says hearing the b word used on her mom was like a dagger in heart and she can’t believe how ignorant Larva is. They all let it pass. The season of missed opportunities. The ladies all cheers each other. Here’s to you guys seeing this footage, realizing how much you hate each other, and coming back with your nails sharpened next year!

Options. And her mouth.

The nanny services have stopped returning her calls due to claims of torture and non payment. Turtles in Miami are safe. For now.

Poor people all over the country will now be inspired…to get as fat as Hot Son and never get a real job. Thanks a lot, Barbie.

And her hair. And her cluck. And her collection of black people.

When Frenchy finds out how easy it is to get a kid, he’s going to pack fetuses in air tight bags to sell on TV. Boil and raise.

Or her face.

She’s spent her own money on carpeting for her art gallery floor…just in case.

And that’s it! Thanks for sticking with me all season. I’ve had a great time on this show and can’t wait to see the claws come out next time. Until then, put something sticky on your feet so you don’t rrrolldown dee moundayn! xo