RHOM: Witches, Barbies, and Pippin

The first line of The Real Housewives of Miami is “Miami is just a hot city.” Shot of flabby butt. I think I’m gonna like it here.

You’ve got mail in your slot. I think it’s an angry letter from PETA.

Pole dancing classes! Bikinis all day! Serious waxing skillz and young hot women with old rich dudes! Yes, we’ve seen it before, but now we’ll see it with super heavy accents. Finally! Something Romana and I can watch together.

But if she tries this at home she’s fired.

The Latins here? “We are the elite. We RULE the ceety!” They’ve even got their own versions of celebrities walking the streets.

OMG do you guys know the giant bumble bee?

The wacky white lady who looks like Jean Smart tells us that Miami is a very cultural city and “everything from wannabes to has beens to flash trash cash stash, it’s all here!” I wonder if she ever saw Crash. And if she made up a poem about it after, cuz bitch can sure rhyme that word a lot. Lash! Mash! Hash! Bash! Gash! No offense. In the pre show interviews with these ladies, this is the chick who insisted that there wasn’t a villain of the season. My suspicion seems to be true. She thinks that cuz no one told her she was the asshole.

Let’s meet the ladies. First up is Larsa, Scottie Pippen’s wife and the Lebanese chick of the bunch. Go Lebz! I am proud of her for keeping her eyebrows separated like that. Trust me, it’s not easy. Before she became a rich dude’s wife she probably looked like Bert.

Multiply this by sixty and you’re at my family reunion.

God bless the NBA, by the way. It seems to be the most surefire way dudes like this get to bang hot chicks.

No I don’t smell a fart. This is my “I love you face”, baby.

 

In Cristy’s world, attitude is everything! That means that she does the Valley Girl Gape with her mouth a lot. I want to try to throw M&Ms in her mouth.

Attitude!

Adriana can speak five languages, but she can get a man with no words. Well, that’s handy, cuz I suspect she doesn’t know many. Besides, with the type of guys she chases she doesn’t need them. They can’t hear so great anyway.

A Raisin in the Sun. Wow, this is a cultural city!

Marysol is a PR lady, so she says that she’s always trying to get other people attention but the sun keeps shining on her! Which is why she tries to hide whatever hideous thing must have happened to her shoulders.

Calm down on the military presses sugar.

Alexia tells us that beauty is power, if you know how to use it. And know how to use it she does. I suspect that Alexia spends a lot of time doing the helicopter on this guy’s wiener.

Nothing, huh? Well we can try again tomorrow. In the meantime…let’s talk? Read? Walk? Ok let’s sit here and stare at a wall. This is nice. Honey, spit’s coming down your chin. Here’s a napkin. Let me try the helicopter again. I’M SO HAPPY.

Lea doesn’t care what anyone thinks about her! Crazy people usually don’t. So you think she’s got her hand up the back of a wooden puppet and she never really had a child? Then screw you! I DON’T CARE!

Say goodnight Gracie!
Who’s Gracie?
You’re a terrible puppet. Off to the wood chipper.

We open with Lea hanging out with Natalie Cole, who is walking around a store with a purse she wants to buy. Lea just says “That’s hot!” over and over again. Plus one for lame white lady speak in the presence of a black person.

Why, Natalie, what a banging clutch! The babies daddies are gonna be jumpin jumpin when they see this badonky donk donkey donk. What are all those vials in there? Why do you crush up your aspirin? Natalie why are you sweating salties out your eye parts friend that’s a girl?

Lea says that she is a “people collector”. That’s a fancy word for “star fucker.” She likes anyone who’s super interesting. And rich and famous. Other things that Lea collects: loud blouses, loose bras, clip on earrings, peace signs, black people.

I don’t blame whoever hit her on the head with a frying pan. She’s already annoying.

Rick Ross! Dennis Rodman! Nell Carter! No wait. That’s me. I collect Nell Carter. I’m so listening to the movie cast recording of Hair when I’m done with this recap. Point is, collecting people is creepy. What are you Son of Same?

When describing her friendship with Dennis Rodman, she says that he “made the cut” cuz he’s entertaining. Made the cut? What, did you line up every black celeb in town and yay or nay them at a cattle call? Cuz that’s racist. You’re only allowed to that sort of thing when you’re looking for a cleaning lady. Sorry, Esmeralda. You smell like cheap soap. GET OUT. Dennis’ version of why they’re friends? In subtitles, of course, he says that the night they met, her lawyer husband handed him a card and the next day he was arrested. LOLOLLL. Kismet!

Lea has commissioned a photo of her wooden puppet, and her husband sees it and shouts MOVIE STAR!

Pinnochio 2: Why Lie? I Need A Beer

Lea is a Texan and came to Miami in the 80′s, where she met her husband after being on one of his juries. Scandalous! But I’ve never wanted to get called in for jury duty so bad. That’s the most creative way of finding a husband I’ve ever heard. Now maybe I can stop trying to get pulled over just so a guy in tight polyester pants with a job will get my phone number. Those tickets are really adding up.

She seems to think she’s a charmer, and honestly how much could I possibly have against her in minute three of the show? I just read signs, people. Would a nice person get chewed on gummy bears spit on them everywhere they went? No. No they would not.

For your birthday, I’m sending you an apron. Poor thing.

The family gathers around and stares at the pic of the puppet, and Lea worries that his feet are too big. Daddy Black offers the puppet plastic surgery on his feet. Now that’s a good dad. I was born with webbed toes and guess who still has webbed toes? Dear Dad, Happy Father’s Day F You, Love, Flipit.

Lea’s house is gigantor, and insists that the whole city of Coral Gables was named after her abode. I looked it up on Wikipedia and it’s true! Damn that’s impressive. I guess. I’m super glad West Hollywood isn’t named after my place. No one wants to visit a town called Why Does It Always Smell Like Feet In Here?

Lea spent a whole lot of lawyer money building the place up, and she knows how to throw a party. It’s all about gathering the right people. Is that true? I always thought it was the snacks. I go to parties with my own tupperware and really don’t care who’s there. I haven’t been invited to a party in a long time. I blame evite. Let’s check in with Larsa!

Larsa is married to Scotty Pippin, so we get a whole Frasier montage of him. There he is in love with Diane, there he is getting dumped by Diane, there he is turning into a sloppy drunk, there he is not approving of Kirstie Alley joining the cast. OK so I know NOTHING of sports and have no idea who Scotty is, but I did love Ben Vereen in Pippin so I’m on his side for now. Also, he’s hilarious. He talks in this super deep growl and you can’t tell what he’s saying. He’s like a dog sensing a storm a comin’. He seems sweet. And super wealthy. Frasier WHO?

Lars tells us that she’s Leb but everyone just assumes she’s Latina. I get that all the time. It’s so annoying. If you’re not straight up white, people just assign you a stereotype. I also get Asian, but I prefer Mexican cuz I don’t like people just assuming I have a tiny peen. Lars and Pippin have four kids, and we have a montage to get to know them. Already hearing white noise. Her job is taking care of the kids and the Pip. It’s hard, you guys. She has to look hot at all times and find time to shop while juggling a family!

You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in another direction. That was hard.

Adriana is a gallery owner. She went to school to be a lawyer but discovered her true passion is art and she coulden ged away from eet! She plans out her day at breakfast with her hubby and son, and says that her son is her sunchine and “My reason for leaving.” Poor kid. I’m glad he didn’t hear that. If she ever does leave he’s gonna take it personally. Accents can make childhood really hard.

Um, that cow is barfing in your coffee.

She met her boyfriend while she was still married, and the second she was divorced, Fredrick jumped her. That so…romantic? His boat is called “MoJo”, which I guess should explain it. Congrats. You’re dating Austin Powers. Adriana loves Miami because she feels like a beautiful queen there even though she’s not blonde haired and blue eyed. That’s why I like the YMCA. It’s the only gym in LA I have a chance of looking hot. I’m feeling Adriana.

Whatever the dues are here, I’ll pay them.

Larsa’s brother and sister are visiting, and the brother insists that she learns how to use a gun to protect herself. I’m not opposed to people owning guns, but considering the fact that we just saw her three sons running around trying to chop each other’s heads off with swords, it might be too soon for this household. Larsa jokes that she will use the gun if a nanny tries to steal one of her bags. Tacky! Everyone knows you don’t shoot nannies. You hit them with fly swatters. That way they can LEARN. Down with guns! She’s scared that the gun will “accidentally shoot me”. Now you know how everyone around you feels.

Cristy the mouth gaper is at the beach with some friends. And yes, her mouth is agape.

That girl must have attitude to spare! And a lot of sand in her teeth.

She’s a Cuban, and she’s all about being in bikinis and drinking mojitos. Cubans built this city! It’s about to be her birthday and her friends are joking that she’s turning 39. Guess what she does.

Attitude!

She’s divorced from an NBA player and has three kids with him and two step kids. Dang! What did birth control ever do to you? Later that night, Cristy meets up with her psychic and the Cuban Cruella DeVille.

I hope the puppies are crated.

The psychic told Cristy after her divorce that she would be ok and she was ok so she believes everything the psychic says! How easy is that paycheck? You’re gonna eat under eight hundred calories this week. I accept cash and candy. Psychic tells her that this is her year! She’s gonna land a man! Then Cruella spills her wine.

Attitude

Christy, Adriana, and Larsa meet up for a show at fashion week, and Adriana’s pissed that they’re there first like a bunch of losers instead of walking in late like she does at NY Fashion Week. Well, look at the bright side. At Miami’s fashion week you can find clothes made for your bootie. She is kinda an asshole about it, and the whole day in general. She’s grossed out with Miami fashion week cuz it’s not huge like it is in New York! Well you don’t have to smell pee either. If these girls want to shut her up they should suggest she get blonde hair and blue contacts.

Cristy’s annoyed that Adriana’s acting like J-Lo. HA. Adriana’s personality immediately lightens up when the male models come out in speedos. She’s happy as can be right now, and if that bitch had a ziplock bag full of quarters in her purse she’d be pelting the guys with them. The other girls aren’t quite sure what to make of her. Yes, Mrs. Roeper is fun to watch on TV but do you really want to get stuck hanging out with her just to be on some Bravo show?

Is that what they do in New York?

The girls go backstage to meet the designer, and Adriana is immediately asking where the models are so they can take them to dinner. HA. The designer’s like um so what did you think about that piece with the umbrella skeleton? Did you get it?

Your umbrella’s broken.

Adriana keeps on gushing about the men, and the other girls are a little uncomfortable. She says that they should take them out and Larsa should use a large scarf to cover her face. LOL! She’s a total dick. She says she wants to walk the catwalk. The other girls are mortified, but she insists and won’t follow them out so Larsa tells her to go for it. “Done dare me to do sometheen saxee!” I think there might be a language barrier there, cuz they actually didn’t beg. They said “PLEASE GOD NO WE WILL ALL LOOK INSANE.”

Ad tells us that the other girls were trying to make her look like a stupid train wreck crazy bitch, so she walked that walk to show the world that she’s…not a stupid train wreck crazy bitch? I have no idea how this woman’s logic works, so I’m super grateful to have her on the show. And her crazy eyes. I’m sure Ramona is glad that she’s got company in this department.

Alexia starts off by working out with her trainer. She is called the Cuban Barbie, but like, Barbie’s like a like doll and she’s like you know like ALIVE. Got that? Alexia says that poor Barbie couldn’t talk, so no one knew how dumb she was. Thankfully with Al, we’re not gonna have that problem. Now let’s listen to her talk about how beautiful she is.

Alexia has two kids. This one’s gonna have an STD by the time he’s twenty. It’s the curse of pretty teens and God’s way of balancing shit out. Yay God!

Peter’s hot and dumb, and Frankie’s dorky and artistic, asking for a an art book about shoes. That’s like my kid! But richer. And…alive.

There there. Shhhhhhhhh.

Alexia explains, a little unsure of herself, what grass fed means. She looks at the gay smart one like he’s free to jump in at any time, but it’s too fun for the kid to just watch. Alexia tells us that she’s positive the dumb hot one is gonna need her forever, and none of us doubt it. I’ve never seen a mother prouder of raising a dolt. Well, almost never.

Alexia owns Venue Magazine with her husband Herbert. People are always asking her what a hot ass Barbie like her is doing with such a homely shlub, but she insists that if you see them work together you will know why it works. Spoiler alert: $$$$$$$$$$

Cristy, Adriana and Larsa go to a member’s only club to drink. They start dancing until some hot ass men come to play with them. Rar. Larsa didn’t like how they were dancing with her. “He’s like riding a horse or something.” HA. She’s got to make sure that Pips keeps the funds coming so she’s out of there before the cameras give him divorce court footage for the future. She says that Ad and Cristy are both super single so they should have fun. Meanwhile Ad’s not swimsuit model boyfriend is out on his boat trying to win the affection of her son. Sad horns.

One of the douchebags is wearing an ascot. LOL. He doesn’t believe Lars when she says she’s happily married cuz no one he knows is. Hard to disagree with a guy in an ascot, so Lars peaces out and leaves Adriana to be the meat in a dbag sandwich.

Let’s meet Marysol. She answers the phone at her PR firm by throwing her hands up in the air like she’s surrendering.

Check’s in the mail stop torturing meeeee

She runs the biggest PR firm in town, hangs out with gays who hint that she needs a boob job, and has a history with Stallone and Versace. She’s got a thing for banging younger dudes and doesn’t believe in plastic surgery. It’s like not believing in God but going to church anyway just in case he’s real, cuz that bitch is not surgery free.

I’ve always looked like a fruit rollup stretched over a fist, k?

Now let’s watch Alexia try to teach her dolty 17 year old how to make an egg. She tells us that her kids think of her as a young person cuz, well, Barbie don’t age. It’s spring break time, and Dolt is going on a cruise with his girlfriend where he bought a six hundred dollar table that includes two bottles. She’s not worried about where he got six hundred dollars or about the drinking, she’s just worried that he will eat too much and get fat and not be able to model. She lectures him on fatness and staying healthy and stuff. It’s really hard being a mom. But making an egg? Impossible.

Adriana isn’t teaching her son to make an egg. She’s teaching him to catch grapes in his mouth. It’s the easiest way to pelt your kids with stuff without getting arrested for child abuse. When he’s got his braces off they can move on to softballs.

No wonder your teeth aren’t straight. Run away, kid!

Marysol is visiting her mom. YIKES.

Please don’t eat Princess Lea. PLEASE

This woman is AMAZING. She’s a seer. Like Medium, but no one plays her on TV and she’s not a c word. I’d like to think if she does ever get a show, Marlon Brando would play her. She talks really deeply and slurs a lot cuz her face doesn’t move and she’s drunk. Marysol wants some advice on her hot young piece of French ass, but mom wants to know about da sayxzz. Marysol gets uncomfortable, but mom gets drunker and drunker and slurs “why joo no wanna talg do meee?” OK let’s just have the whole show be about this woman. “I aym a womayn of duh worl, Marrryzol, I no a Veecdorian laydee.” HA. Mom feels that Mary’s gonna get married to this young stud, but she wants to meet him before Marysol traps him. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Mom agrees she will trap young gun for Marysol. Love. IT.

Lea is throwing a dinner for the girls and hired a chef from Outback Steakhouse to teach everyone how to cook. Oh, rich people! Lea’s plan is to start a social club, but they don’t say that cuz the name of the show changed to Housewives. The girls are gonna get together regularly cuz they eat occasionally and drink regularly anyway so they might as well do it together.

The conversation (about riding horses) bores them and us, then Cubarbie comes in late and Lea gets on her cell phone. Um thanks for having us over where’s my room? Boring is one thing and rude is another. Together they’re pure pain. If this party was a man I’d probably date it.

Lea’s bought them all chef hats for class, and she writes beauty queen on Cubarbie’s. She doesn’t see herself as a beauty queen! She sees herself as Miss Universe!

Lea has written on all the hats, and she seems to have nailed how each of them got their husbands.

After the ladies cook and Lea texts to Dennis Rodman for an hour, they settle into dinner to get attacked by Lea’s questions. Larsa just says Pippin is a great musical and dodges the bullets, but it’s not so easy for Adriana when she is questioned about her multiple weddings in France that never happen. She admits to being a runway bride. She tells a story about her ex husband being away during Katrina. The phone rang and it was a Brazilian number. Some skank called and asked for the husband. Not here but this is his wife. Impossible, I’m his wife! HAHAH. Turns out she was some seventeen year old whore that he was supporting long distance. Larsa says that if she managed the money she would have known he was cheating. “If you manage a man’s money, he’s not going anywhere!” LOVE IT so so true. And nice to know that rich happy looking gorgeous couples are insecure as shit too. I am going to cuddle with that thought like a nice warm blanket. Ahhhhhh. And for you poor people out there, even if your man is broke you can still control him. If you think he’s cheating hide his bus pass. He’ll be with you in front of that damn TV til morning.

Lea tells us that when she met Adrianna she was sleeping on the floor of her art gallery with her three year old. AW! Lea collected her even though she wasn’t a black superstar. Adriana says that she no longer trusts men but hasn’t resorted to “going lesbian yet.” And that’s it for episode one!

What did you guys think? This group seems pretty fun overall, and I can’t wait until they get comfortable enough to start yanking each other’s weaves out. I’ll be here. If nothing else, I have this scene to look forward to…