RHONJ: A Cancerous Kids’ Xmas (No Fugs Allowed)

Recaps

By Flipit | Monday, July 18, 2011 | 8:00 am | 55 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recaps

Previously on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Caroline’s penisless child whined a lot, Kathy told Teresa that she was a bad mom, and the cast fell in love with Melissa and her drag queen midget husband.

It’s Christmastime in Jersey! We open at Teresa and Juicy’s. They’re decorating a twenty foot tall tree and asking the kids what Christmas means to them. Gifts, of course! And dysfunctional family abuse.

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You’re lucky it was just a slap and not a crucifixion reenactment, ya little shit!

As they decorate their giant tree with gold in their giant unpaid for house, Teresa tells us that since the bankruptcy, they’re cutting back. In other words, AmEx has sent them a cyst and deceased letter. Gia wants to make sure Uncle Midge and Waitress Melissa are coming over for Christmas Eve, and Teresa promises her that they’re invited. She tells us, though, that Melissa has bad energy and gives her a headache. Wait til you hear her CD.

Melissa has two trees, of course, and one of them sings. Probably like ten times better than she does. She’s also got her own personal tree decorator. LOL. It’s important you guys! This is Jesus’ birthday! Poor Jesus probably just wants a bed that’s not a feeding trough for donkeys. I’m sure he could do without the singing Christmas tree. Maybe just get him a gift card. Or a haircut. Or a flask.

Teresa sits Juicy down for a nice conversation about when the hell all the papers are gonna stop printing trash about them. Probably when your husband stops committing felonies and you stop spending millions of other people’s money, ya dumb hooker. Those papahs ah always writin’ trash! “Now I know how Brad and Angelina feel!” HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! You guys are like twins! But without the muscles. Or success. Or bought children. Or talent. Or bricks thrown through your windshield by Jennifer Aniston.

Juicy says that nothing bothers him and “We’uh not in trouble!” Teresa doesn’t want her kids to know about Juice going to jail for ten days, so she’s decided the best plan of action is not to let them learn to read.

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Who cares what people think? Um…Teresa does. Juice tells her to name the people who called her when they were in trouble. Those are the only people she should care about! I sense about a dozen customer care workers from credit companies are gonna get gift baskets this week, cuz those are the only people that call that wacko.

Juice says Midge and Kathy are evil and Tre shouldn’t be hanging out with them. She says she loves Midge, and he sticks to his guns. Midge is an ass. Cut to Midge eating Cheetos while Melissa works on decorations. Everyone they know is coming over to the party! And how’s Juice gonna act? Is he gonna be civil? No, and neither will you, which means this episode will have a lot of potential. Melissa reminds us how classy her family was at the Christening while Juicy’s side acted like Neanderthals.

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This picture is just kidding.

Melissa’s main Witch Sister claimed that Juicy Joe’s mom punched her in the face. LOL! Well, she didn’t punch it hard enough cuz it’s still yapping.

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Hit it harder.

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Is it too late to start a Filomena fan club?

We should start calling Filomena “Justice”, cuz if anyone deserves to get punched it’s Melissa’s Witch Sisters. Melissa says that we can all see who the real bad guys are here. More shots of her family being good guys.

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She tells Midge that “JewDice better come correct to my home!” Do these people go to special schools? Cuz they speak no sense but they seem to understand each other just fine. Let’s go check up on Jacqueline. She’s taking up a gift to Assley’s slothy ass face. It’s a necklace to ward off evil made by her psychic! She hasn’t even put it on yet, and already her face has bloated up like a dog’s butt stung by a bee. Poor thing.

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Jacqui says that holidays are stupid hard for her ass faced kid cuz she doesn’t know which family to spend it with. Um, bitch just got a brand new Jeep for no reason. Sorry but no. I’ll save my pity for starving children in Africa. And circus midgets. And that poor lady stuck decorating Melissa’s singing tree.

There’s also a surprise! Assley’s dad was gonna come, but he got the flu (and another family) so now he can’t. Assley’s like, um why did you tell me that in the first place? And for once I’m with her. Why surprise her that her dad flaked on her yet again when she didn’t have to know? Does Jacqui get off on watching her cry? Or is it the only way she can get her to wash her face?

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There there. There’s soap in that gift bag.

It’s sad being a child of divorce, but she has a new car so shut up and let’s feel sorry for people who deserve it.

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Assley calls her dad. He tells her he loves her and he hopes she has a merry wait sorry someone’s on the other line call you later and by later I mean never please lose my number so I don’t have to change it again BYE.

Caroline’s sons, Big Gay Greg, and Penisless show up to an Asian restaurant for Assley’s bday. Greg says it’s like an Asian Jurassic Park and the guys crack up.

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There’s even a statue of Laura Dern!

 

Penisless says she doesn’t want to have to sit next to Assley. The guys tell her to be nice, but she refuses. Greg asks what the rents got Ass for her big day, and Penisless snarks “the same thing she fucked up last time!” Could you be more specific? Cuz right now we could think you mean eyebrows or weight watchers or life in general. Oh. A car. Right.

Ass is late. She’s meeting up with her friends and making sure her eyebrows look as uneven as possible. On the way to the restaurant, Ass says that she’s getting along better with her parents, but she wishes she was as close to Chris as she is with her runaway deadbeat dad who abandoned her and now continually flakes out on her. She likes Chris and his money, but money doesn’t buy a relationship. What a little bitch! Money does pay for boarding school. I hope Chris remembers that when he watches this episode.

By the time Ass arrives, everyone else is waiting. Caroline has shown up, along with Chris and Jacqui and Ass’ grandparents. Ass is super classy, of course, and makes up for being late by sitting down and immediately whipping out her phone to text. The guys rib her about her new car for a bit, and then the chef guy comes out and does the slice and dice show as Ass sits and ignores everyone and texts. Who the fuck is she texting? I can’t imagine this asshole having friends that aren’t paid extras. She’s probably texting the number you call to get weather updates.

Jacqui gives a speech and tells Ass to put away her phone. Ass gives a speech and thanks people for being nice to her even though she’s usually a c word. Least touching birthday evah.

Let’s go to Melissa’s. Someone named Fabulous Fred arrives. Gay people need to unite and take queens like this out. They make us all look bad. Gay marriage laws in Jersey are never gonna pass with scary botoxed fagito burritos named Fabulous Fred running around. Sorry but it’s true. It makes me feel a little bit better that he’s brought a basket of sugar cookies. I hope Teresa flushes that shit down the toilet the second she enters.

Smellissa says that Fabulous Fred handles every “it” party in Jersey so she went all out cuz after all it’s…wait for it…Jesus’ birthday! Fabu walks them through what he’s gonna do. Carolers there! Craps game there! Chocolate fountain there! You know what Jesus did as entertainment for his birthday? He cured poor people of leprosy and shit. Not seeming so Fabulous now, Fred. And I love that Mel is going on about Jesus. Did she forget about that part in the Bible where God struck down the temple cuz people were gambling in it? Enjoy your craps game, Delilah!

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Injecting plague into your face doesn’t make you Biblical.

Midge hears all these plans and takes a shot because he knows how much this is gonna cost. Just tell him he can put on a dress and he’ll shut up. Melissa tells us that sure, she’s having a big lavish party and spending tens of thousands of dollars, but that doesn’t make her a selfish idiot. She’s also donating money to a children’s hospital. Enjoy that Val-Pak and the five dollars she sends ya, St. Joseph’s Hospital.

Flabulous tells Midge and Smell that yes, it costs a lot, but money is the difference between fat waiters who move like slugs and models. LOL. As a cater waiter, I can assure you that ugly waiters make the same as anorexic waiters. But please go on, Flabulous. If you want beautiful people that speak correctly, that’s another price. LOL. I don’t think you’re gonna have to worry how well people speak in this crowd, cuz if they speak too well no one will understand them. And how much for a party planner that doesn’t look like Squiggy with an air pump up his cornhole?

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Melissa was lost at “speak correctly.”

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This party is gonna cost fifty grand. Midge tells us it’s worth it cuz it’s for kids who are losing their hair from cancer. HUH? So you’re gonna spend fifty grand, raise ten grand tops, and it’s for the kids, huh? Donate the fifty g to Saint Joseph and be done with it. But wait. Then Melissa won’t get to wear feather and glitter on TV and possibly lip synch the terrible song she texted to a twenty year old at work. Never mind! Melissa’s a more desperate charity case than any kid with cancer. Carry on.

Kathy’s celebrating Christmas by wasting our time with more of her non storylines. Rich is outside trying to produce the Griswald Jersey Christmas by putting more lights on their house than anyone else on the street. Kathy says that she plans on being cordial to Juicy and Tre at Smell’s party and hopes that since it’s Christmas, they can reconcile. Hurry and get to Hallmark before they’re out of “Sorry I Said You Were a Bad Mom” cards.

Caroline and Albert go to visit the jeweler for Caroline’s yearly diamonds. Caro cries and goes into a big song and dance about how she has so many siblings and hasn’t always been proud of how she’s acted towards them and she doesn’t want that for her kids. Also, there Penisless was, helping her brothers move into their new place and her heart was breaking. Caroline regrets telling her to get a life and slapping her forehead with a fly swatter. Albert, and America, asks wtf her point is. Well, she’s had Kay’s design the kids bracelets! AW! The design is three eights joined together, and it’s supposed to represent the family members. I think it represents 24, the number of days it takes for Penisless to sell this to pay her schlubby fiance’s rent.

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Flabulous Fred shows up to Smell’s and starts decorating for the party. Melissa gets her hair and makeup done upstairs with her stolen hairdresser and says this is her night! I thought it was Baby Jesus’ night. Or kids with cancer’s night. Midge comes in to make sex jokes before he shaves his legs for his inevitable drag show of the night and then they talk about banging.

Teresa is getting her hair done, too. Not by her usual hair girl though, cuz Melissa stole her. Besides. She’s cutting back, which means she has to have homlier help now. Flabulous said.

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No offense.

Kathy and Rich are in the car on the way to Smell and Midge’s, and Rich asks what Kathy’s gonna do if Tre comes. Well, she’ll just be nice as always and hope that Teresa doesn’t beat the shit out of her. There are super whitbread carolers at the entrance. LOL. These people are hilarious. There’s a full on red carpet and everything. Now Teresa really is gonna feel like Angelina Jolie. Showing up to a Jennifer Aniston premiere. There are ice sculptures, giant tables of food, extras from Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney. Then we get a shot of the money Smell plans on donating to the kids with cancer.

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Smell boasts that she even has “a bar in my liberry!” HAHAHAHAHAH! So remember that I said they could probably raise like ten thousand for charity? No. They’re not even taking money. They’re taking gifts. Which means they’re spending fifty grand and cancerous kids are getting some legos and bubbles. Smell goes to the red carpet and poses like an idiot for the cameras. Then she lets her witch sisters join her. Merry Fugmas!

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Kathy’s in a sequin mini dress and she looks pretty. Ish. Midge teases her, shouts that she’s looking seeeexee, and tells Rich that she looks like a hot slut. LOL. Rich says just cuz Midge got to have sex with Kathy first, bein’ cousins and all, doesn’t mean Rich won’t throw his midget ass into the ice sculpture for talking like dat. Meanwhile, Teresa, who put on her best granny panties for the night….

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…is trying to get her slug of a husband off the couch to come to da party. He doesn’t wanna get up. He can’t just say he has the runs again. He decides to rebel by not wearing a bra.

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If anyone gives Tre shit tonight, he’s gonna pretend he’s a Rockette and upstage Smell.

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Witch Sister and Kathy are trying to talk Melissa into taking off her underwear so her whale tail’s not showing.

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Unfortunately, Smelissa doesn’t know Teresa is wearing granny panties yet or she would change into her own just to show everyone that hers are better. Now let’s watch Smell go through her underwear drawer while her sister begs her to go commando. This show is fucking disturbing.

Melissa goes back down to her tacky obnoxious party to brag about how much she’s doing for charity. Caroline, Penisless and Jacqui arrive. Jacqui says she’s been here before, but it was just to watch Teresa put a scarily scrawled note on the door. They walk in just in time for Smelissa to come down the stairs, mic in hand, to thank everyone for coming. Thankfully, she doesn’t try to sing. That will be its own episode. Where’s Teresa? Why, she’s in the car listening to Juicy bitch about having to go hang around hateful people. Her advice? “It’s best to just walk away.” First of all, these are not debts. Second of all, LOL I’d love to watch Teresa try to walk away. Not gonna happen.

They finally show up and Teresa and Melissa kiss and say hello fairly warmly. Rich hides, but Kathy walks right up to kiss Juicy and say hi to a plasticly smiling Teresa. She says “Nice to see you.” Teresa keeps the frozen smile and mutters “You too” through her teeth. Kathy says “No, really.” Teresa stays with the frozen smile and says “You too.” Then Kathy follows her and says again that it’s nice to see her and she hopes they can put the drama behind them. Teresa says “Oh now it’s nice to see me?” Kathy gets pissed and walks off.

Well, what’d you expect? Did you ever apologize for the last time you attacked her for bad motherhood in public? And again, I’m not even saying Kathy was wrong about that. She was right, of course. Teresa did leave her kid alone during the brawl at the Christening. But still, if you wanna make nice you should make an effort somewhere NOT PUBLIC so she doesn’t feel attacked. This is Teresa we’re talking about here. She’s like a dog at a shelter. If you approach it slowly with a treat in one hand it will probably lick you. If you come running at it with a newspaper it will bite your face off and flip a table onto your rotting carcass.

Kathy is pissed. First, she tries to get sympathy from a dowdy lesbian, but the girl tells her that Flabulous has instructed her not to speak at this party cuz she’s not pretty enough.

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Sorry can’t help you.

Kathy says that Tre is a fucking bitch, then she goes and locks herself in a closet with Rich. She says Teresa just made her look like a fucking asshole twice in a row, and this is his well thought out husbandly advice: Go back out there and

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HA! Maybe their kids should make them sign contracts where they’ll promise not to go out and start brawls in public and bring shame on the family. Kathy says Tre’s “not worth the scum off the bottom of my fuckin feet!”, which makes me worry about her feet. Get a pedi, girl. Rich is still going off. “Fuck Teresa! Fuck Joe!”

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Ah, there’s hope for this couple yet.

He calms down, tells her to calm down, and decides they’ll go have a good time. He tops it off with a “fuck Teresa!” Kathy marches out of that closet to tattle tale to Smelissa. Smell just can’t believe that Teresa didn’t hug Kathy and pretend nothing happened! Kathy tells us that Tre has a cold heart and it’s gonna catch a cold. Huh? She adds that her whole life doesn’t revolve around the JewDices. LOL coulda fooled me! How bout you talk Smell’s ear off about it some more?

As if it’s not hairy enough, one of the Witch Sisters’ husbands goes up to Juicy and confronts him about owing him a thousand bucks for fixing his ac. Working class people are so tacky. Juice stays calm and plays dumb. Witch Husband says “memba ya told me ta sue you if I wanted it?” Juice says to calm down and they’ll talk about it later. A group of guys stands around laughing. Man. These people are animals. It’s like going to the zoo without having to leave your house, pay money and smell poop.

Teresa goes up to Melissa and tells her what just happened in that “could ya believe someone accused Juice of owin’ em money?!?!” voice she gets, and Melissa is faux mortified that someone at her party hates Juice. Teresa orders her to go talk to Witch Brother in Law, and Juice says that “last time I was nice. Dis time I ain’t gonna be nice!” These people have terrible recollections. Smell, pissed that her cancer kids party is ruined, goes up to Witch Brother in law and tells him to cut the shit because she paid a lot to keep homely people out and ice sculptures in and it’s not gonna be ruined just because he isn’t paid a thousand measly bucks. I’m impressed that she said anything at all. Growth?

And NOW, for the big present. Kim G is arriving with Monica Chacon, the lawyer suing the JewDices! As you may recall from last week’s recap, the papers reported that Teresa attacked this woman in a hallway and, because Monica has been gossiping about her around town, accused her of “violating ethnics.” LOL. That will never get old to me.

Kim G says, with an evil giggle, that she hopes everything is ok tonight if they run into Teresa. Monica says that Tre doesn’t know how to behave so don’t get your hopes up. I hope Juice kicks Kim G in her brain tumor. Monica knows what she’s in for. She’s already wrapped herself up like a mummy.

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They grab glasses of sparkling Franzia in the foyer, and Kim announces as loudly as she can “cheers to people behaving themselves!” Juice sees them and asks Teresa to please not beat the shit out of the lawyer lady. Tre wants to know why the hell Smell would invite the lawyer suing her if she was trying to mend fences, but she’s told that Smell didn’t invite her. She invited Kim G who invited her. Tre brings Smell over to tattle tale. I love that Smell spent all this money on a spectackylar party only to be treated like Guest Services. She so deserves it.

Tre demands that Midge kick out the lawyer, and Smell says that lady has a lot of nerve showing up uninvited. Caroline is getting a big ole anger wrinkle on her forehead, which means someone’s about to be told to buck up and get a life.

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Smell tells us that she’s no fan of Teresa, but she draws the line at bitches making fun of money problems. She’s super moral, or the rumors about her living in a spec house are true and she’s covering her bases. She promises to kick out Monica. She pulls Kim G aside and says nicely that Kim has to kick out Monica. Kim G says no. HAHAHA! I hope this series ends with a house falling on that bitch’s head.

Caroline is trying to keep Teresa calm, but Teresa can’t stop chattering. Caro points out that it’s nice Smell is trying to do the right thing, and Teresa says that if she walks back out there and the bitch is gone, THEN Smell did the right thing. Meanwhile, Kim is telling Midge and Smell that Tre is the tacky bitch. Jacqueline walks up to join the group and asks Kim why she’s starting shit. Kim gets loud and starts arguing. Then Monica walks up. She tells them that Teresa has made her life hell for three years. Who cares bitch? Get the fuck out! Smell and Midge hold their ground, which is downright impressive.

Monica and Kim keep arguing. JUST. LEAVE. The arguing goes on and on and Melissa finally says “come on” and leads them out. HAHAH. On her way out, Jacqui tells Kim to cut the crap. Kim insists that she deserves an apology. She deserves a fucking tumor is what she deserves. She already got that and the bitch is still squawking. God just made a note in his Moleskine: “next time lightning.”

Next week, it looks like Kim never left, cuz a riot is about to break out. HAHAH. I LOVE YOU, RHONJ!

Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

55 Comments

  1. 1
    Anastasia Beaverhausen
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 8:51 am

    And I love YOU, Flipit! Hilarious recap as always. I think Big Gay Greg needs more airtime.

  2. 2
    cam
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 8:58 am

    That “dowdy lesbian” was Kathy’s sister! Don’t tawk about her FAMBLY like dat !!

  3. 3
    2Hyper
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Everytime Melissa references Jesus, I keep thinking ‘you are using the word incorrectly.’ Yes she is saying it correctly and her sentences make sense (sometimes) but it still doesnt seem right to talk about Jesus like he’s her homeboy! It always seems like she is talking about Je-sus (the mexican gardener) and not Jesus, son of God.

  4. 4
    pantsonfire
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 9:26 am

    Kim G needs an ass kicking. If she’s not careful Assley will stick her hand up In Kims empty brain hole a d snatch a bat outta there. I love me some Rosie already!…

  5. 5
    truthsquad
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 10:35 am

    This show is truly appalling, because unlike most of the other franchises where the “cast” seems very calculating and constantly performing for the cameras (yes, I’m talking to you Jill Zarin!), I’m not convinced that the women of NJ are smart enough or talented enough to play up or down the drama. This leads me to think that for the most part, it’s….real…..God help them all!

    And might I add that this was the least spiritually moving holiday themed TV show since those old Bing Crosby Xmas specials that were filmed in the middle of July, with all that fake Beverly Hills snow, his poor glassy eyed Stepford wife, and those hapless, untalented children that he “allegedly” beat once the cameras stopped rolling….

  6. 6
    WaffleBoy
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Melissa’s Christmas party was the sleaziest thing I’ve ever seen that involved Christmas that didn’t also have priests, lube, and alter boys.

  7. 7
    Nikki Hughes
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 11:57 am

    I was literally screaming at my TV “She is SUING her, you crazy bitch!!”
    Kim is a wench AND a wretch. UGGGh!

  8. 8
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Melissa’s Christmas party made the baby Jesus cry.

    And they must have used a stunt double when Juicy kicked that punching bag in the garage. No way in HELL that living pile of Crisco could do a spinning back kick and not wind up on the floor having a coronary event.

  9. 9
    LAC
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    OMG, Flipit – you are too funny! I almost piddled laughing at your description of the queeny party planner. Even if you ran back to back 1990′s Christmas specials of Kathy Lee Gifford or Martha Stewart, you could not find a more vacuous, meaningless expression of the holidays than this episode.

    And super uggh to Kim G – I am beyond fucking tired of her and her bitter vendetta. Her tumor should be given a slot on the show instead of her. I could watch that.

  10. 10
    Fan-Ann
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Great recap! Kim G. really is a hag from hell. And I was very impressed by the lawyer’s lack of “ethnics” and professional responsibility in attending that party just to shit-stir and get on camera. The Gorgas thought if they spent enough on their party it would equate to good taste, but it was an epic fail. It made Baby Jesus cry.

  11. 11
    someguy
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Great recap filpit. How much money could step dad put down on the car if Miss happy and giving has to pay $500 a month.Any one with a grade school eduction no way can she make those payments.How rude of that guy at Jesus b-Day party ask Juice midget for money he owes.I am sure if you call him he woukd get you the money right back.I do love Terressa having to drive him all around now.That must be so hard on a big bad ass man from Italy.How can they still play the victims while people whp trusted them did the work on the house and for them layed out there own money for materials did not get paid.terressa sure heck new all about.That is a joke you can lawsuit against you if you are bankrupt.When you did that in the first place to not pay bills,That is not right.
    All the people on this show work so hard for the people watching the show to see the real lack of moral fiber or compasion.There fear of us seeing them truly as they are makes them sick at night.It is sad becuse these people have no idea if they are lying orf telling the truth.When did Manzo become the wise old Owl and no what is best for every one? If the crapstone was going so well how come they did not get the middle kids teeth fixed.What is going on there are they grey?
    She is super parent when she has two kids who live away from home and put one through college and no job and scared to tell his folks he is Ggay and the other brother who worked one year as the bosses son and that was to much.She should write a book,

  12. 12
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Admit it, someguy… you totally drop a few speedballs before you sit down to type, don’t you?

  13. 13
    emilyhartly
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Kim G. Wow. What an ass.

    This party was ridic. Why invite KimG? Why spend 50g’s? Gambling on Baby Jesus’ Bday?

    Also, I would have been more impressed w/ the Gorga-taungs if they had really ejected the suing-lawyer & KimG promptly. They were so, like, “Nooo, don’t kiss me, Nooo don’t do THAT (a little to the left), Oh, Stop!

    Love your recaps. Love this RH series.

    Any Kim G gossip? Who was the idiot that married her and made her finacially solid?

  14. 14
    emilyhartly
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    @NotWithoutMyTV. ditto.

  15. 15
    sheesh
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Filomena needs to punch Ashley or Milenia could do the honors. I’m good either. I just want Ashley to get a smack in the puss.

  16. 16
    interrobanging
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Kim G’s ex husband I believe is named Tom Granatell and they are loaded like crazy because his company produces some sort of chemical extract that Estee Lauder uses in their makeup.

  17. 17
    tvsnarkling
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    @someguy Did you write this in “Jersey language”? Because you nailed it.

  18. 18
    mere2142
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    I guess I’ve been celebrating Jesus’ birthday wrong all of these years. This Christmas it will be no panties, an ice sculpture of myself, and a $10 donation to Toys for Tots!!

    Seriously these people are totally ridiculous, more so than any other franchise and that’s really saying something.

  19. 19
    Tadow
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    it’s a party, you don’t need panties!

  20. 20
    maryedith
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    “When did Manzo become the wise old owl?” That cracked me up something fierce, Someguy.

  21. 21
    maryedith
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    And I bet Albie wimps out and gets married. His wife will discover that Lauren’s not the only Penisless Manzo.

  22. 22
    Tadow
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Did you notice that even though the party started at 8pm, it was 9:52 or some shit before the jewdices arrived

  23. 23
    MtnMama
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    I just read the Kim G and Kim D are sisters-in-law. Did anyone else know that??

  24. 24
    Cindy Murphy
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    - Enjoy that Val-Pak and the five dollars she sends ya, St. Joseph’s Hospital. –

    Too generous. I’m going with a free donut coupon and some spare coins she found at the bottom of her purse..

  25. 25
    sheesh
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 6:17 am

    This show cracks me up!
    TB and I laugh through the whole thing. “I’ll burn this whole fucking place down” “Liberry” “I do NOT want to sit next to Ashley” I die.

    I would have lost patience with Kim Grannytelli and Monica when they didn’t leave the first time I asked them politely. I would have gone “Barry Fucking Gibb” on dose wimmun.

  26. 26
    kczar
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 7:14 am

    Awesome recap, Flipit! I’m surprised you didn’t mention Penisless’ quick jab at both Tre and Smel. In a voice over during the Christmas party, she said something to the effect of, “I remember going to a housewarming party just like this.”. Bam! So will next season’s drama be Smel’s and Midget’s financial problems?

    Nothing says happy birthday Jesus like craps tables. Trash doesn’t get much whiter than that.

  27. 27
    Stewinberri
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 7:52 am

    The truly Fab Flipit does it again. Great recap muh man.

    When Milania smacked Audrianna she looked at her like “enjoy this for now bitch, but soon I’ll be issuing the beatdowns. Know That”

    Melissa, the witch sisters, Kathy and Rich are so crass. It’s not hard to see why Tre would not want to go out of her way to have them seen on the show. I mean hanging with the Manzo/Laurita’s is definitely a come up socially for Teresa.

  28. 28
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Everything that I wanted to say has already been said so I’ll just shout out to a few of my favorites:
    *Flipit
    *The baby smackdown
    *”Liberry” ( is she efn serious?)
    *Baby Jesus is crying
    * The karate kid kick from Juicy

    @ NWMTV-I know you’re married so don’t take this as an advance of any sort but, I absolfreakingloutely love you for reading my mind re: someguy!!! WTF was that?

  29. 29
    Nikki Hughes
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Awwwwwwww ~ I’m pretty sure someguy’s first language is not English. I always know it’s him after reading the first few words, lol. Cut him some slack. :D

  30. 30
    Jason
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Jesus just threw up. All over Melissa hopefully. Although, you have to give her and Gidge a few points for standing up and throwing that Chacon lady out, all for the walking brain tumor that is Theresa.

  31. 31
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    someguy’s first planet is not Earth.

    I loved how Bravo only showed shots at Moonface’s party of people with bored or hostile looks on their faces… Chris himself looked homicidal most of the time. Not that I would ever defend Moonface, but I bet she was texting for all of 15 seconds, and Bravo frankenedited it to look like she was at it throughout the whole party…

    If Caroline’s retarded son and Big Gay Greg actually AREN’T Village People-ing it up, I wonder if they’re actively participating in creating the maybe-gay plot line?

  32. 32
    Joy_Subtraction
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    I’m so disgusted that someone can afford to have a library in their home, but is to vapid to say it correctly or even stock it with BOOKS!

    And what was with these wealthy people donating one $5-20 toy each? They should be ashamed.

    I have to apologize to Jesus every time Smell mentions his name. I should just say, “I’m sorry infinity!” since she name drops the Son of God every five seconds.

    For all of the shit talking of doing violent things and chest beating, I can’t understand why no one has put the kibash on Kim G. I’ve never been in a real fight before, but I can guarantee you I would have effed her up a long time ago.

    After witnessing Milania’s super violent behavior, I now believe that violence can be an inherited trait. I mean, holy shit! She’s like the female version of Damien.

  33. 33
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    @ Nikki- I have no hard feelings regarding someguy at all. In fact, I love his passion for the comments. Truth is we’ve all taken our licks out here in Commentnation and NWMTV just nailed it this time.

    “Someguy’s first planet is not Earth” Not only made SG & NWMTV epic but, makes me laugh so hard I have to hold my head in my hands and lean forward so people don’t see I am laughing so hard that no more noise can come out of my mouth.

    Hand heart sign,
    Gypsssss

  34. 34
    Nikki Hughes
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Oh, I didn’t mean anyone was being rude or anything. I was laughing. Most of the time I just have to skip his comments because I get so confused I get agitated. lolz

  35. 35
    Tmurda
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Not done reading yet, but wanted to say THANK YOU for finally providing me with the Assley hate i’ve been begging you for via AOL! Yipee!!! SMOOCHES!!!

  36. 36
    Tmurda
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    That was to you, flip-btw. ha

  37. 37
    Iona Trailer
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    This episode was a trip and it’s only an appetizer for next weeks brawl.

    1. Ferul Lemur (Milania) is a chip off the old Teresa. She’ll be flipping tables in kindergarten.

    2. Juicy could only kick the bag like that because he is a big bottom.

    3. MoonPieFace (Assley)was a waste of sperm. Who the hell was she texting. Those “friends” had to be paid stunt people. Her family can’t stand her. Her father fakes dieseses not to be with her. Hey bitch…nobody likes you.

    4. I don’t understand why people do not like Midget and Gidget (my new name for Melissa). Yes…they are obnoxious but they stood up for Teresa when we know that nasty cow would not do the same for them. Teresa is about Teresa. I hate Teresa even more. Midget and Gidget were cute and funny on the live show with Miss Andy.

    5. Can Big Gay Greg get any cuter? I as a gay man do not like nelly types which he kinda is…but he is growing on me each week to the point where I want to do him.

    6. Kim G. is a mean old bitch. The tumor was probably the only good part of her old saggy titted body. That was just wrong to bring Monica with her even though I want Monica to take the JewDices to the cleaners. What is worse was that Midget and Gidget were polite in asking them to leave and they argued back. Get the fuck out you stupid whores!

  38. 38
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    @NWMTV

    Someguy’s first planet not earth — classic. We will def see that in commentgasm @ the end of the year.

  39. 39
    eurotra$h
    Posted July 19, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    Great recap!
    I wonder why on earth i would dress up and go uninvited to a Christmas event.. where someone who put me through HELL for 3 years is . Simple, i would’nt. Complete BS, is’nt it? Insane show and a goldmine for a talented recapper!

  40. 40
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted July 20, 2011 at 3:49 am

    I would have loved to catch Monica’s exit interview on the Step-and-Repeat. “I wasn’t going to Midge and Melissa’s house uninvited. I was attending a charity event…that happened to be at their house. But I was doing it for the kids. Look, I even bought a gift! A little doll you stick pins into. Black hair, low forehead. Custom made.”

    These Jersey folk are smarter than they look (or sound.) Why does someone spend $50,000 on a house party and call it a charity event? For a tax writeoff, of course! Collect gifts, solicit sponsors for the Step-and-Repeat (promising publicity on Bravo even though most viewers won’t even bother to read the names plastered to the wall), and drop the name “St. Joseph’s Hospital” a few times, in hopes some philanthropic person may be watching and decide to send a check. Boom! Job done. Conscience cleared. Jesus happy.

    Was anyone else watching WWHL when Midge called Rich “Al-Qeada?” Was it because Rich is from Lebanon or because he threatened to blow everything up?

  41. 41
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted July 20, 2011 at 4:04 am

    Awww…I love Someguy. Sure, sometimes his typos get the best of him but he does possess a good sense of humor and sarcasm. Who knows…he could be a genius, dumbing his posts down for our comprehension. We are Housewives viewers, after all. I doubt Mensa members are their target market.

    With that said, I agree; @nwmtv, that line was classic. I intend to keep it in my back pocket to use where appropriate. (All credit going to you, of course.)

    Final thought: What’s up with Lauren hating on Ashley? Do pudgy girls hate corpulent ones? Could she not even bear to sit next to an ugly chick with a thinner face?

  42. 42
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted July 20, 2011 at 4:05 am

    Great recap, Flipit. You never disappoint!

  43. 43
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted July 20, 2011 at 6:58 am

    “someguy’s first planet is not Earth.”

    I was happy this was the last thing I read before taking off yesterday. I laughed my whole plane ride home. Thanks NWMTV.

  44. 44
    MakMck
    Posted July 20, 2011 at 9:33 am

    *hearts* Super funny recap! melts all my work stress awayyyyyy!

  45. 45
    Tmurda
    Posted July 20, 2011 at 11:20 am

    @sarcastire-LOL “Do pudgy girls hate corpulent ones?” CLASSIC!!!

  46. 46
    susanl
    Posted July 20, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Who throws a $50,000 party for charity and only donates a few dollars? Remeber ole DeShawn from RHWATL. That dingbat spent tens of thousands (changed clothes 3 times) and only brought in $10,000 for her “diamonds in the rough” fake charity. Wonder why her husband dumped her??? I’m really getting sick of the “Jesus birthday” thing when I haven’t seen one bit of religion from any of them.
    Did you hear Rich say how good looking he was (when he was decorating the outside of the house)? Who’s he kidding? Ewwwwww!!!!
    Tre and Joe are REALLY trying to blow smoke up the viewers ass in all the “woo is me bankruptsy ” dialouge. Do they really think we feel sorry for them when it’s obviously they haven’t cut down their spending and still got away with not paying back that 11 mil they blew.
    Lauren is probably, like the rest of us, tired of hearing about how Moonpie is continually fu#@ing up and still gets rewarded with a NEW car. I hope Chris is watching and hears what she really thinks of him.
    Kim G…..just throw water on her and watch her melt….

  47. 47
    susanl
    Posted July 21, 2011 at 8:38 am

    I just saw the ep again and has any of those wummin at the party ever heard of Spanx? There were more of them that had fat bulges that just Tre although hers was pretty bad. It’s amazing how neither Tre and Smelly can do their own make-up or hair. Tre, where’s that money coming from to pay those people, huh? Cutting back? Yeah right! If I don’t have money, I sure don’t hire someone to come OVER TO MY HOME (can we say lazy?) and do my hair and make-up. I do them myself or at least go to the salon.
    Assley is such a loser! I don’t doubt for a minute she didn’t set there and text the entire time. Did you see the Carolyn look??? Utter disgust.

  48. 48
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted July 21, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Jaqi states in her blog, that Assley was texting her dad at dinner. But I say BS on that one.

    Who wears a hoochie “bridal gown” and a tiara to Jesus’ Birthday party? And seriously, I so did not need to know that the witch sisters were going commando! But then again, if I had to spray my dress onto my body, I guess I would go pantyless…and just because the kids aren;t home, doesn’t mean that you should not put panties on, you dumb hoe!! Pretty sure your guests don’t want to see your bits!

    Ok, so I get the part about giving to the Children’s hospital, but instead of toys, shouldn’t it have been a check? I mean I know I couldn’t afford to give that much, but if that would have been me, I would have bad a few bags stuffed full of toys, not just 1!!

    I am looking forward to Christopher getting in Granny’s face this week!!

  49. 49
    Mimo
    Posted July 21, 2011 at 10:36 am

    I know I was shocked when I saw all those people only bringing in one little gift bag – but then it reminded me of the time my small little office decided to donate toys instead of exchanging gifts. The other peon and I sat down and figured out what we usually spend and then went toy shopping with that amount. Between the two of us, we were able to get 9 very nice presents. One of the bigwigs? The one who makes twice our combined salary? Brought in a basketball, which he won at a golfing outing. Maybe that’s why he’s rich and I’m not.

  50. 50
    sheesh
    Posted July 21, 2011 at 11:45 am

    @Allison Zimmerman “Who wears a hoochie “bridal gown” and a tiara to Jesus’ Birthday party?”
    People who like to be “on display on display on display each and every day everyday everyday”

  51. 51
    UglyKids
    Posted July 22, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Teresa and Joe ahve the ugliest chidlren on the planet. Ashlye is a spolied C*$# and she will only get worse with time. Kim G needs a good beat down and I would love to be the one to give it to her. They are all pretty much a bunch of vapid, phony, worthless human beings getting attention they don’t deserve.

  52. 52
    Vavoline Jackson Johnson
    Posted July 22, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    Well, I been sayin it all over da web but lawd since when is a self servin tax write off called a “CHARITY” event?????

  53. 53
    sk
    Posted July 22, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Well, Milania is very homely (as well as being a rotten holy terror), Gia (just an average kid, Teresa, let her be a kid and not a “star” –it ain’t happening) a close second. Gabriella (who always seems to be ignored, maybe because she doesn’t look a thing like Teresa) is adorable, as is Audriana (the only one who seems to combine the best of her parents). Assley IS a dumb ingrate (after all Chris has done for her she says “money can’t buy you a relationship”), but we don’t REALLY know what went on in her early life that might have twisted her into the creep she is today — or she might just be a hopeless sociopath/narcissist — like a Casey Anthony who hasn’t killed her kid yet (they seem to have a similar resume). The whole party spectacle was nauseating, of course. Kim G? There are no words. I did, however, enjoy Melissa and Joe Gorga on Watch What Happens Live. I found them likeable. I don’t get Melissa’s way of talking about “Jesus” in every scene, but they came across well, I thought.

  54. 54
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted July 22, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    @sheesh-you crack me up! I never thought of that!! :)

  55. 55
    shana
    Posted July 26, 2011 at 2:48 am

    Merry Fugmas indeed.

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