Previously on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Caroline’s penisless child whined a lot, Kathy told Teresa that she was a bad mom, and the cast fell in love with Melissa and her drag queen midget husband.
It’s Christmastime in Jersey! We open at Teresa and Juicy’s. They’re decorating a twenty foot tall tree and asking the kids what Christmas means to them. Gifts, of course! And dysfunctional family abuse.
You’re lucky it was just a slap and not a crucifixion reenactment, ya little shit!
As they decorate their giant tree with gold in their giant unpaid for house, Teresa tells us that since the bankruptcy, they’re cutting back. In other words, AmEx has sent them a cyst and deceased letter. Gia wants to make sure Uncle Midge and Waitress Melissa are coming over for Christmas Eve, and Teresa promises her that they’re invited. She tells us, though, that Melissa has bad energy and gives her a headache. Wait til you hear her CD.
Melissa has two trees, of course, and one of them sings. Probably like ten times better than she does. She’s also got her own personal tree decorator. LOL. It’s important you guys! This is Jesus’ birthday! Poor Jesus probably just wants a bed that’s not a feeding trough for donkeys. I’m sure he could do without the singing Christmas tree. Maybe just get him a gift card. Or a haircut. Or a flask.
Teresa sits Juicy down for a nice conversation about when the hell all the papers are gonna stop printing trash about them. Probably when your husband stops committing felonies and you stop spending millions of other people’s money, ya dumb hooker. Those papahs ah always writin’ trash! “Now I know how Brad and Angelina feel!” HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! You guys are like twins! But without the muscles. Or success. Or bought children. Or talent. Or bricks thrown through your windshield by Jennifer Aniston.
Juicy says that nothing bothers him and “We’uh not in trouble!” Teresa doesn’t want her kids to know about Juice going to jail for ten days, so she’s decided the best plan of action is not to let them learn to read.
Who cares what people think? Um…Teresa does. Juice tells her to name the people who called her when they were in trouble. Those are the only people she should care about! I sense about a dozen customer care workers from credit companies are gonna get gift baskets this week, cuz those are the only people that call that wacko.
Juice says Midge and Kathy are evil and Tre shouldn’t be hanging out with them. She says she loves Midge, and he sticks to his guns. Midge is an ass. Cut to Midge eating Cheetos while Melissa works on decorations. Everyone they know is coming over to the party! And how’s Juice gonna act? Is he gonna be civil? No, and neither will you, which means this episode will have a lot of potential. Melissa reminds us how classy her family was at the Christening while Juicy’s side acted like Neanderthals.
This picture is just kidding.
Melissa’s main Witch Sister claimed that Juicy Joe’s mom punched her in the face. LOL! Well, she didn’t punch it hard enough cuz it’s still yapping.
Hit it harder.
Is it too late to start a Filomena fan club?
We should start calling Filomena “Justice”, cuz if anyone deserves to get punched it’s Melissa’s Witch Sisters. Melissa says that we can all see who the real bad guys are here. More shots of her family being good guys.
She tells Midge that “JewDice better come correct to my home!” Do these people go to special schools? Cuz they speak no sense but they seem to understand each other just fine. Let’s go check up on Jacqueline. She’s taking up a gift to Assley’s slothy ass face. It’s a necklace to ward off evil made by her psychic! She hasn’t even put it on yet, and already her face has bloated up like a dog’s butt stung by a bee. Poor thing.
Jacqui says that holidays are stupid hard for her ass faced kid cuz she doesn’t know which family to spend it with. Um, bitch just got a brand new Jeep for no reason. Sorry but no. I’ll save my pity for starving children in Africa. And circus midgets. And that poor lady stuck decorating Melissa’s singing tree.
There’s also a surprise! Assley’s dad was gonna come, but he got the flu (and another family) so now he can’t. Assley’s like, um why did you tell me that in the first place? And for once I’m with her. Why surprise her that her dad flaked on her yet again when she didn’t have to know? Does Jacqui get off on watching her cry? Or is it the only way she can get her to wash her face?
There there. There’s soap in that gift bag.
It’s sad being a child of divorce, but she has a new car so shut up and let’s feel sorry for people who deserve it.
Assley calls her dad. He tells her he loves her and he hopes she has a merry wait sorry someone’s on the other line call you later and by later I mean never please lose my number so I don’t have to change it again BYE.
Caroline’s sons, Big Gay Greg, and Penisless show up to an Asian restaurant for Assley’s bday. Greg says it’s like an Asian Jurassic Park and the guys crack up.
There’s even a statue of Laura Dern!
Penisless says she doesn’t want to have to sit next to Assley. The guys tell her to be nice, but she refuses. Greg asks what the rents got Ass for her big day, and Penisless snarks “the same thing she fucked up last time!” Could you be more specific? Cuz right now we could think you mean eyebrows or weight watchers or life in general. Oh. A car. Right.
Ass is late. She’s meeting up with her friends and making sure her eyebrows look as uneven as possible. On the way to the restaurant, Ass says that she’s getting along better with her parents, but she wishes she was as close to Chris as she is with her runaway deadbeat dad who abandoned her and now continually flakes out on her. She likes Chris and his money, but money doesn’t buy a relationship. What a little bitch! Money does pay for boarding school. I hope Chris remembers that when he watches this episode.
By the time Ass arrives, everyone else is waiting. Caroline has shown up, along with Chris and Jacqui and Ass’ grandparents. Ass is super classy, of course, and makes up for being late by sitting down and immediately whipping out her phone to text. The guys rib her about her new car for a bit, and then the chef guy comes out and does the slice and dice show as Ass sits and ignores everyone and texts. Who the fuck is she texting? I can’t imagine this asshole having friends that aren’t paid extras. She’s probably texting the number you call to get weather updates.
Jacqui gives a speech and tells Ass to put away her phone. Ass gives a speech and thanks people for being nice to her even though she’s usually a c word. Least touching birthday evah.
Let’s go to Melissa’s. Someone named Fabulous Fred arrives. Gay people need to unite and take queens like this out. They make us all look bad. Gay marriage laws in Jersey are never gonna pass with scary botoxed fagito burritos named Fabulous Fred running around. Sorry but it’s true. It makes me feel a little bit better that he’s brought a basket of sugar cookies. I hope Teresa flushes that shit down the toilet the second she enters.
Smellissa says that Fabulous Fred handles every “it” party in Jersey so she went all out cuz after all it’s…wait for it…Jesus’ birthday! Fabu walks them through what he’s gonna do. Carolers there! Craps game there! Chocolate fountain there! You know what Jesus did as entertainment for his birthday? He cured poor people of leprosy and shit. Not seeming so Fabulous now, Fred. And I love that Mel is going on about Jesus. Did she forget about that part in the Bible where God struck down the temple cuz people were gambling in it? Enjoy your craps game, Delilah!
Injecting plague into your face doesn’t make you Biblical.
Midge hears all these plans and takes a shot because he knows how much this is gonna cost. Just tell him he can put on a dress and he’ll shut up. Melissa tells us that sure, she’s having a big lavish party and spending tens of thousands of dollars, but that doesn’t make her a selfish idiot. She’s also donating money to a children’s hospital. Enjoy that Val-Pak and the five dollars she sends ya, St. Joseph’s Hospital.
Flabulous tells Midge and Smell that yes, it costs a lot, but money is the difference between fat waiters who move like slugs and models. LOL. As a cater waiter, I can assure you that ugly waiters make the same as anorexic waiters. But please go on, Flabulous. If you want beautiful people that speak correctly, that’s another price. LOL. I don’t think you’re gonna have to worry how well people speak in this crowd, cuz if they speak too well no one will understand them. And how much for a party planner that doesn’t look like Squiggy with an air pump up his cornhole?
Melissa was lost at “speak correctly.”
This party is gonna cost fifty grand. Midge tells us it’s worth it cuz it’s for kids who are losing their hair from cancer. HUH? So you’re gonna spend fifty grand, raise ten grand tops, and it’s for the kids, huh? Donate the fifty g to Saint Joseph and be done with it. But wait. Then Melissa won’t get to wear feather and glitter on TV and possibly lip synch the terrible song she texted to a twenty year old at work. Never mind! Melissa’s a more desperate charity case than any kid with cancer. Carry on.
Kathy’s celebrating Christmas by wasting our time with more of her non storylines. Rich is outside trying to produce the Griswald Jersey Christmas by putting more lights on their house than anyone else on the street. Kathy says that she plans on being cordial to Juicy and Tre at Smell’s party and hopes that since it’s Christmas, they can reconcile. Hurry and get to Hallmark before they’re out of “Sorry I Said You Were a Bad Mom” cards.
Caroline and Albert go to visit the jeweler for Caroline’s yearly diamonds. Caro cries and goes into a big song and dance about how she has so many siblings and hasn’t always been proud of how she’s acted towards them and she doesn’t want that for her kids. Also, there Penisless was, helping her brothers move into their new place and her heart was breaking. Caroline regrets telling her to get a life and slapping her forehead with a fly swatter. Albert, and America, asks wtf her point is. Well, she’s had Kay’s design the kids bracelets! AW! The design is three eights joined together, and it’s supposed to represent the family members. I think it represents 24, the number of days it takes for Penisless to sell this to pay her schlubby fiance’s rent.
Flabulous Fred shows up to Smell’s and starts decorating for the party. Melissa gets her hair and makeup done upstairs with her stolen hairdresser and says this is her night! I thought it was Baby Jesus’ night. Or kids with cancer’s night. Midge comes in to make sex jokes before he shaves his legs for his inevitable drag show of the night and then they talk about banging.
Teresa is getting her hair done, too. Not by her usual hair girl though, cuz Melissa stole her. Besides. She’s cutting back, which means she has to have homlier help now. Flabulous said.
Kathy and Rich are in the car on the way to Smell and Midge’s, and Rich asks what Kathy’s gonna do if Tre comes. Well, she’ll just be nice as always and hope that Teresa doesn’t beat the shit out of her. There are super whitbread carolers at the entrance. LOL. These people are hilarious. There’s a full on red carpet and everything. Now Teresa really is gonna feel like Angelina Jolie. Showing up to a Jennifer Aniston premiere. There are ice sculptures, giant tables of food, extras from Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney. Then we get a shot of the money Smell plans on donating to the kids with cancer.
Smell boasts that she even has “a bar in my liberry!” HAHAHAHAHAH! So remember that I said they could probably raise like ten thousand for charity? No. They’re not even taking money. They’re taking gifts. Which means they’re spending fifty grand and cancerous kids are getting some legos and bubbles. Smell goes to the red carpet and poses like an idiot for the cameras. Then she lets her witch sisters join her. Merry Fugmas!
Kathy’s in a sequin mini dress and she looks pretty. Ish. Midge teases her, shouts that she’s looking seeeexee, and tells Rich that she looks like a hot slut. LOL. Rich says just cuz Midge got to have sex with Kathy first, bein’ cousins and all, doesn’t mean Rich won’t throw his midget ass into the ice sculpture for talking like dat. Meanwhile, Teresa, who put on her best granny panties for the night….
…is trying to get her slug of a husband off the couch to come to da party. He doesn’t wanna get up. He can’t just say he has the runs again. He decides to rebel by not wearing a bra.
If anyone gives Tre shit tonight, he’s gonna pretend he’s a Rockette and upstage Smell.
Witch Sister and Kathy are trying to talk Melissa into taking off her underwear so her whale tail’s not showing.
Unfortunately, Smelissa doesn’t know Teresa is wearing granny panties yet or she would change into her own just to show everyone that hers are better. Now let’s watch Smell go through her underwear drawer while her sister begs her to go commando. This show is fucking disturbing.
Melissa goes back down to her tacky obnoxious party to brag about how much she’s doing for charity. Caroline, Penisless and Jacqui arrive. Jacqui says she’s been here before, but it was just to watch Teresa put a scarily scrawled note on the door. They walk in just in time for Smelissa to come down the stairs, mic in hand, to thank everyone for coming. Thankfully, she doesn’t try to sing. That will be its own episode. Where’s Teresa? Why, she’s in the car listening to Juicy bitch about having to go hang around hateful people. Her advice? “It’s best to just walk away.” First of all, these are not debts. Second of all, LOL I’d love to watch Teresa try to walk away. Not gonna happen.
They finally show up and Teresa and Melissa kiss and say hello fairly warmly. Rich hides, but Kathy walks right up to kiss Juicy and say hi to a plasticly smiling Teresa. She says “Nice to see you.” Teresa keeps the frozen smile and mutters “You too” through her teeth. Kathy says “No, really.” Teresa stays with the frozen smile and says “You too.” Then Kathy follows her and says again that it’s nice to see her and she hopes they can put the drama behind them. Teresa says “Oh now it’s nice to see me?” Kathy gets pissed and walks off.
Well, what’d you expect? Did you ever apologize for the last time you attacked her for bad motherhood in public? And again, I’m not even saying Kathy was wrong about that. She was right, of course. Teresa did leave her kid alone during the brawl at the Christening. But still, if you wanna make nice you should make an effort somewhere NOT PUBLIC so she doesn’t feel attacked. This is Teresa we’re talking about here. She’s like a dog at a shelter. If you approach it slowly with a treat in one hand it will probably lick you. If you come running at it with a newspaper it will bite your face off and flip a table onto your rotting carcass.
Kathy is pissed. First, she tries to get sympathy from a dowdy lesbian, but the girl tells her that Flabulous has instructed her not to speak at this party cuz she’s not pretty enough.
Sorry can’t help you.
Kathy says that Tre is a fucking bitch, then she goes and locks herself in a closet with Rich. She says Teresa just made her look like a fucking asshole twice in a row, and this is his well thought out husbandly advice: Go back out there and
HA! Maybe their kids should make them sign contracts where they’ll promise not to go out and start brawls in public and bring shame on the family. Kathy says Tre’s “not worth the scum off the bottom of my fuckin feet!”, which makes me worry about her feet. Get a pedi, girl. Rich is still going off. “Fuck Teresa! Fuck Joe!”
Ah, there’s hope for this couple yet.
He calms down, tells her to calm down, and decides they’ll go have a good time. He tops it off with a “fuck Teresa!” Kathy marches out of that closet to tattle tale to Smelissa. Smell just can’t believe that Teresa didn’t hug Kathy and pretend nothing happened! Kathy tells us that Tre has a cold heart and it’s gonna catch a cold. Huh? She adds that her whole life doesn’t revolve around the JewDices. LOL coulda fooled me! How bout you talk Smell’s ear off about it some more?
As if it’s not hairy enough, one of the Witch Sisters’ husbands goes up to Juicy and confronts him about owing him a thousand bucks for fixing his ac. Working class people are so tacky. Juice stays calm and plays dumb. Witch Husband says “memba ya told me ta sue you if I wanted it?” Juice says to calm down and they’ll talk about it later. A group of guys stands around laughing. Man. These people are animals. It’s like going to the zoo without having to leave your house, pay money and smell poop.
Teresa goes up to Melissa and tells her what just happened in that “could ya believe someone accused Juice of owin’ em money?!?!” voice she gets, and Melissa is faux mortified that someone at her party hates Juice. Teresa orders her to go talk to Witch Brother in Law, and Juice says that “last time I was nice. Dis time I ain’t gonna be nice!” These people have terrible recollections. Smell, pissed that her cancer kids party is ruined, goes up to Witch Brother in law and tells him to cut the shit because she paid a lot to keep homely people out and ice sculptures in and it’s not gonna be ruined just because he isn’t paid a thousand measly bucks. I’m impressed that she said anything at all. Growth?
And NOW, for the big present. Kim G is arriving with Monica Chacon, the lawyer suing the JewDices! As you may recall from last week’s recap, the papers reported that Teresa attacked this woman in a hallway and, because Monica has been gossiping about her around town, accused her of “violating ethnics.” LOL. That will never get old to me.
Kim G says, with an evil giggle, that she hopes everything is ok tonight if they run into Teresa. Monica says that Tre doesn’t know how to behave so don’t get your hopes up. I hope Juice kicks Kim G in her brain tumor. Monica knows what she’s in for. She’s already wrapped herself up like a mummy.
They grab glasses of sparkling Franzia in the foyer, and Kim announces as loudly as she can “cheers to people behaving themselves!” Juice sees them and asks Teresa to please not beat the shit out of the lawyer lady. Tre wants to know why the hell Smell would invite the lawyer suing her if she was trying to mend fences, but she’s told that Smell didn’t invite her. She invited Kim G who invited her. Tre brings Smell over to tattle tale. I love that Smell spent all this money on a spectackylar party only to be treated like Guest Services. She so deserves it.
Tre demands that Midge kick out the lawyer, and Smell says that lady has a lot of nerve showing up uninvited. Caroline is getting a big ole anger wrinkle on her forehead, which means someone’s about to be told to buck up and get a life.
Smell tells us that she’s no fan of Teresa, but she draws the line at bitches making fun of money problems. She’s super moral, or the rumors about her living in a spec house are true and she’s covering her bases. She promises to kick out Monica. She pulls Kim G aside and says nicely that Kim has to kick out Monica. Kim G says no. HAHAHA! I hope this series ends with a house falling on that bitch’s head.
Caroline is trying to keep Teresa calm, but Teresa can’t stop chattering. Caro points out that it’s nice Smell is trying to do the right thing, and Teresa says that if she walks back out there and the bitch is gone, THEN Smell did the right thing. Meanwhile, Kim is telling Midge and Smell that Tre is the tacky bitch. Jacqueline walks up to join the group and asks Kim why she’s starting shit. Kim gets loud and starts arguing. Then Monica walks up. She tells them that Teresa has made her life hell for three years. Who cares bitch? Get the fuck out! Smell and Midge hold their ground, which is downright impressive.
Monica and Kim keep arguing. JUST. LEAVE. The arguing goes on and on and Melissa finally says “come on” and leads them out. HAHAH. On her way out, Jacqui tells Kim to cut the crap. Kim insists that she deserves an apology. She deserves a fucking tumor is what she deserves. She already got that and the bitch is still squawking. God just made a note in his Moleskine: “next time lightning.”
Next week, it looks like Kim never left, cuz a riot is about to break out. HAHAH. I LOVE YOU, RHONJ!