RHONJ: And The Punta Cana Princess Is…

Welcome back to the Real Housewives of New Jersey. The snow is finally starting to melt in New Jersey – is it a metaphor? Or just a sign that everyone’s ready to hit the beach? Will we be treated to a scene of each and every single housewife packing luggage? Yes. Yes, we will.

Sometimes, it takes a little filler to get to the blood feud.

What’s more boring than packing? Watching other people pack. Watching five other people pack. Here’s the rundown. Midge Joe wants to play football on the beach, but Mel thinks that might get competitive, and therefore end in murder. She reminds us that the Punta Cana trip was her idea, because the Gorgas and the Guidices and the Wakiles all used to travel together and they always had such a grand time.  Also, cause we know she loves black guys.

They do manage to squeeze in about seven different hat wardrobe changes in less than one minute on screen, as only the Gorgas can do. Mel shows off a slutty Pocohantas bathing suit.  Midge Joe licks the insides of Mel’s bathing suit bottoms, and the editors thankfully switch us to the Guidices before America has the opportunity to collectively puke.

Teresa is busy packing every single two piece she owns. She’s concerned that the tiny little toast corners that make up her bikini tops won’t fit her “bubbies” anymore. Then she confidently tells us that we all know who’s going to look the best and it’s going to be her. Judging by the sequined mess in her suitcase, I’m not sure what she means by “best”. Shiniest? Tackiest? Sluttiest? Most fraudulent?

Milania makes her one appearance of the episode to jump all over Teresa’s suitcase. At first I’m disappointed because this is just normal kid brattiness, but then we see that Gia is actually in the suitcase that Lil’ Satan is jumping on and all is once again right with the world.

We get Teresa’s take on how the family needs to mend, and then she asks Brown Smurf if he’s going to be good with her brother. He pretends he has no idea what she’s talking about, and then reminds her that he always has a good time!

Life of the party.

So let’s check in with the Manzos – packing up’s a dull household chore, this is right up their alley. Oh, and Caroline’s already done. She’s just moping in a chair. Lauren comes in to visit and inform us that she’s packed mostly hairspray. Caroline tells her that sharks like shiny things, so not to take too much jewelry or anything, and Lauren mentions that if that’s the case, Teresa and Melissa are in trouble.

Forget that, you think I like the taste of cheap fur and garlic?

Second to last stop on the packing tour of Franklin Lakes , and that’s Jacquee. Big surprise, she has body image issues and doesn’t want to wear a two-piece in front of Teresa and Mel. I’m sorry, didn’t we cover this riveting sub-plot in season one on the Atlantic City trip? I usually don’t forget being so bored.

Oh, and another not so big surprise, Ashley effed up and won’t be joining them. She didn’t get her passport in time, which apparently was Jacquee’s fault for forgetting to hold a gun to her head and forcing her to take a passport picture. Bad Mommy.

And finally, we hit the Wakiles. Well, what do you think Kat will have to say? It probably won’t have anything to do with rekindling old times and healing wounds or anything, right? Not so much. She says her piece, and then throws in a comment about Gia’s sad song, because Kat is always so very concerned with Teresa’s kids. Kat’s Mom is there, looking bored out of her gourd.

The cars come to take everyone to the airport and we see some footage on the plane. Everyone’s sitting in Coach cause we ain’t in Beverly Hills , bitches. And then we’re in Punta Cana! It looks beautiful and sunny and people are dancing around the airport in colored costumes…and then, one of Teresa’s “luggages” goes missing. First, the thinks Mel has stolen it, but it turns out they have the same leopard print suitcase.

I would never say Teresa copied my leopard print suitcase! But, to be honest, that’s probably why hers got lost. Jesus doesn’t like copycats.

It turns out all the Manzo kids are there, not just Lauren. And their intelligent contribution is that the Dominican Republic somehow reminds them of Jurassic Park .

Teresa informs everyone in the airport and surrounding area of her missing luggage, which of course contained her jewelry. It’s a real crisis. What if there’s no Claire’s Accessories on the island? Lebanese Dilbert tells us that it makes sense that Teresa’s bag is the one that’s lost – she brought so many, that statistically the odds were against her. That’s kind of a good point. And I’m sure Teresa would be more than happy to spend the rest of her day in the airport bitching about her lost luggage, but luckily Caroline steps in to command the group, “Let’s go.”

Teresa rides in a car with her brother, where he and Mel have the dubious honor of listening to Teresa complain a little more about her missing suitcase. Midge tells her to calm down, because what did a little lost jewelry compare with a car ride squished next to her little brother?

They call their Mom – who, interestingly enough, is watching Teresa and Joe’s kids. Mel’s Mom is with the Gorga kids, not that Mama Gorga plays favorites or anything. Teresa reports the news of the day, which is that she lost “one luggage”, and requires the entire family to immediately head to church and pray to St. Anthony, who is the saint of lost things.

I will do all I can on this pressing issue. It would be a sin to wear zebra print without matching plastic earrings with rhinestones glued on.

Then it’s time for all the guys to make a pit stop and pee on the side of the road. Brown Smurf is naturally the ringleader of the Pee Parade. “Yes Punta Cana, Jersey has arrived,” Mel deadpans as her husband and crew pee across the Dominican countryside.

In the car with Teresa, Midge and Mel, it’s time to reminisce on the all the good times in Punta Cana, back in the day. Teresa grudgingly tells us that she admits she’s done some things, but they’re not there to bring up the past, they’re there to resolve things and be a family. Remember that, just in case, on the extremely unlikely chance, THE CHRISTENING comes up.

They arrive at the hotel and from the five different shots branding this thing, it is now safe to say that this episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey has been brought to you by Hard Rock.

Well, you know I sure as hell didn’t pay for it.

The hotel looks nice and the turquoise water reminds me that I really need a vacation. Our group has three villas – the Manzo / Guidice / Laurita Villa, the Gorga / Wakile Villa and the kids villa. Wait, the Manzo kids get a whole villa for themselves? No fair.

Chris and Albie Manzo walk arm in arm, because they’re brothers and friends and all Brown Smurf, in the throes of his deep homosexual panic can say is, “They look like butt buddies,” and then laugh to himself like an idiot. Teresa joins in, which makes me really wonder about the state of things with her and the Manzos, and comments that she wonders what will happen when one of them gets married. Mel pipes in to comment that you know, maybe Caroline just did a good job raising kids that love each other, and this newfound Mel / Caroline camradarie is probably what’s turned Teresa on the Manzos.

Everyone gets into the villa and predictably oohs and ahhs. “Very, very nice,” decrees Lebanese Dilbert, the reigning connossieur of moderately priced hotels. Midge Joe exploits paradise by parking it on the sofa. Way to live it up. Over in the other villa, Teresa and the Brown Smurf are picking rooms and Al Manzo is taking a three second break from standing there looking pissed to make a joke about having to listen to them have sex.

Then we hit the kids villa. They’re fighting over room, like siblings do. Bert is a little annoyed to be sharing the room with Ernie, cause he’s messy. And then…Gay Sidekick shows up. Of course. If there are Manzos and a camera, Gay Sidekick is there. We know he wasn’t on the flight with everyone which makes him even more desperate, cause he’s the only one who had to pay his own way on this thing.

An annoying gay guy.  Just what Bravo was missing.

Lauren does not look thrilled that this non-Manzo is going to be taking up valuable oxygen in her villa, but Caroline tells her it will be good for her to understand that even though Greg’s there, she can still have fun with her brothers. What’s the big push to include Gay Sidekick? Anyway, he calls Lauren the chambermaid, she calls him a douche, and I’d say we’re off to a terrific start!

Everyone’s on their respective balconies talking about how much they are looking forward to the family vacation and everyone getting along. And that plan might have an actual chance of working, if they could only manage to leave their balconies to actually do something together.   Actions speak louder than words – although, in the case of these folks, it might be better have action just shut the fuck up and let words do what they want.

And true to form, while Mel is saying that the family is sure to get along in PC, Teresa has once again taken up the battle cry of her brother needs to treat her with more respect. Brown Smurf replies that he would never want to hurt Midge, because he’s “such a little guy”.

I could suffocate him with my man boobs.

In other balcony news, Mel might have scored some Dominican pot from some new friends, because she’s too busy munching on a fruit platter to talk about how she would never insult Teresa’s inability to bring the family together for the sake of the kids. Gia’s song comes up again, and this time it’s Jacquee’s turn to hop up on the soapbox and make a snide comment about how Gia’s song was a little “…disturbing” she says condescendingly.

And you should definitely be the judge of that.

Day two! Teresa is jumping on the bed, but manages to resist the urge to rub her ass in Brown Smurf’s face. Caroline sits in the villa looking like death. And then, the kids walk in all ready for a catamaran trip. It’s very Brady Bunch, until Teresa prances out in insanely whorish swimwear.

Everyone remember Cousin Oliver from Vegas?

Caroline tells us that traveling with Teresa gives her a “booming migraine”. Al’s not looking like he’s enjoying the show too much either. But all the guys seem to get a little interested as she does a fashion show with every skanky bikini she managed to squeeze into her luggages.

Lauren sees fit to mention that she’s on her period and therefore even less enthused then she would normally be to see a skinny person. Teresa reaches the finale of the bizarre fashion show in a bikini/dress combo, that only Teresa could produce, screeching at Caroline, “Look Caaaaaaah! It matches the waaaaaaaw-tuuuuuuhhh!”

Caroline continues to sit there like a pissy bitch, and Sidekick Greg is a very rude fashion show attendee by snapping that Mel’s outfit will be awesome and Teresa knows it. He continues to rain on the parade of stretchy gold lycra by telling the crowd about his little crush on Melissa. Yeah, didn’t notice her inviting you to stay in the Gorga villa, Sidekick.

And over in the Gorga villa, Mel looks pretty cheap in a white one piece with laced up cutouts and a hot pink headwrap. She looks like a refugee from Rock of Love. I have to say, Teresa’s whore look is a bit more polished. Midge and Lebanese Dilbert are having massages on the balcony. They talk about the boat ride, which will be followed by dinner on the beach and dancing. Mel tells us what a great dancer she is and reinforces the Rock of Love look by doing a little stripper dance on the side of the hot tub.

Are there any black guys watching?

And then we are off on the boat ride! Caroline is going to stay behind with her headache. She tells them to take pictures and wear sunblock and Teresa reminds the group one more time that her luggages are lost. And then, Caroline comes on to mimic Teresa in her bikini fashion show. It’s pretty rude.

Teresa runs around adding last minute sunglasses that miraculously did not get lost with luggages. They head for the boat and make jokes about the three hour tour. The girls fight to be Ginger, but Gay Sidekick’s bigger then them so he wins the title.

They reach the boat and Teresa and Mel start doing photo shoots on the dock. It goes on for a really long time, and each pose gets more and more dramatic. It looks like Rupaul’s directing. Kat comments that there can be only one princess of Punta Cana, and it will be a fierce competition!

Tonight, I will go home and write a song about the pressures of being on display, on display, on display on this ledge.

Joe instructs the black guys not to look at his wife, and Mel slips them villa keys she’s hidden in her ugly pink headscarf. Jacquee is having major body image issues, and feels the need to tell everyone about it. Lauren too is letting skinny people ruin her day. “Sitting next to Melissa in a bikini is not the most exciting thing in the world,” she grumbles.

Well, not for you.

Lauren makes a toast to Queen Caroline who didn’t want to be there in the first place. Because it’s much easier to sprout lofty platitudes from the comfort of the sofa. She tells us that she’s sorry to be missing out, which is a total lie.

The editors must agree with me, because they flash back to the last boat trip they all took together which included Milania. Lil’ Satan makes a flashback cameo terrorizing Caroline on a boat in seasons past, and then Caroline adds a backhanded, and flowery literary twist to her fortune cookie wisdom and says that she hopes that the bedazzling of Teresa and Mel’s swimsuits and the reflections of the sun will put a haze over them and they will enjoy each others company.

I interrupt this fake headache to dispense some 8th grade Psych.

On the boat, there is some kind of dance off going on. Everyone keeps talking about how Midge and Mel might be the hottest couple in the world. Hey, let’s not get carried away. They only have to be hotter than the Guidi.

Sure enough, Teresa hears everyone talking about how hot the Gorgas are, and makes a big, emphatic point about how she’s feeling “super sexy, and there’s no competition”. No, there is. And it’s a competition between brother and sister over who’s sexier which is really messed up.

Brown Smurf, who clearly hasn’t been potty trained yet, is now peeing off the side of the boat. Then the Manzos get everyone in on a drinking game involving a little mechanical blue cockroach. No, that’s not a hallucination. It seems like a very confusing game, but everyone is doing a lot of shots and yelling and having fun. Of course Midge Joe has to lick the mechanical blue cockroach, which isn’t part of the game, but he hasn’t done anything creepy in at least ten minutes so he was due.

And finally the catty bitching starts! Kat tells us, about Brown Smurf, “I don’t get the whole juicy thing. What’s so juicy about him? He looks a little dried up, if you ask me,” she finishes out of the side of her mouth. And on the boat, the Joes are actually having a battle of alleged penis size and sperm strength.  Gay Sidekick breaks it up by jumping in the water. Midge follows, so does Brown Smurf and next thing you know all of them are frolicking through the surf.

Slow down the film, add a David Hasselhoff song, and you’ve got the Gaywatch montage of Andy Cohen’s dreams.

Today’s Bravo interlude is about the all powerful strength of Brown Smurf. He does pushups with people on his back. First, Gay Sidekick. The Jacquee, who really seems to be enjoying it. Naturally, this appears to give Caroline a fake headache too. And after a day on the boat, everyone’s headed to the beach for dinner.

Teresa comments that she’s surprised that Lebanese Dilbert isn’t annoying the shit out of her. Everyone goes to some bathhouse to change, and Midge tries to get a quickie with Mel. First she says no, but then she gives in and everyone peers in on them from a little window. “Joe has it out!” Lauren reports.

Meanwhile, Brown Smurf is sitting on the beach and discussing his new fine dining restaurant with the Wakiles and Al Manzo. I would first like to know where the hell he’s gotten the money to open a restaurant, but he’s already talking out how when he gets bored of it, he’ll just sell it.

All’s ya gotta do, is think of the idea, and sell it for a gazillion dollars.  Done.

Lebanese Dilbert, to his credit or stupidity, actually tries to have a logical discussion with Brown Smurf about the prospect of owning a restaurant. He will have to work weekends, Dilbert says was one of the main deterrents, from his research. Because remember, Dilbert and Kat had taken the time to sit down with Albert, someone actually in the restaurant business, before they got involved.

Brown Smurf handily waves off the weekend thing. Well, sure. If you don’t need start-up capital, why would you need to put your own sweat into it either? At this point, Brown Smurf does something really, really stupid and basically says that he wouldn’t bother with Al Manzo’s advice because the Brownstone wasn’t a restaurant.

“What’s different?” says Al in a way that kind of scares you though the TV.  Idiot Smurf says that the Brownstone is “just parties”. Yeah, you know, parties that just have themselves.

These guys just show up and make it happen.

Al informs Idiot Smurf that they have to order food, manage schedules, serve people – everything a restaurant does. “On the customer side it’s different, but on the operation side, it’s exactly the same,” he tells Smurfy menacingly. “At the end of the day, it’s the same thing,” Brown Smurf finally concedes, but maybe only to avoid getting whacked.

Then Smurfy tries to pass the whole thing off as, oh, I’m just doing this for the all the people who love my wife’s books. And Al shoots that down too. They’re not going to drive 100 miles just because they like the cookbook, he explains.

Then he asks the bankrupt and stone’s throw away from prison guy where he’d be getting the money to make payroll, by they way. “It doesn’t matter,” replies Moron Smurf. Al reminds him that the failure rate for new restaurants is 90%.

Well, Smurfy fully intends to “do what I gotta do to make it work”. Just as long as it doesn’t involve start up costs, working weekends or making payroll. Oh, and ordering food and serving people is probably out too.  Lebanese Dilbert advises the viewing public that if anyone’s interested in buying an pizzeria, just wait around for a year until Brown Smurf gets bored with his.

“But me and my wife are not willing to sacrifice our social lives,” Dilbert concludes. “It’s a big step,” Kat says. Will the unsolicited advice ever end? Then she reminds everyone that she can’t do it because she can’t be away from her kids that much, but she wishes Teresa all the best of luck. Oooh. Burn.

“My kids will never be detached from me!” Teresa screeches defensively. Kat rolls her eyes in response. “Why are you rolling your eyes?” Teresa now demands. Kat brushes Teresa off by telling her she’s not looking at the big picture, and she’s embarrassing.

“So right away, it’s about the children,” Teresa snaps, “Why did you even say that? How dare you!” If there was a table nearby, it would be on it’s ass by now.

Teresa tells us Kat should have just kept her mouth shut, and she knew what she was doing. How so, you want to know. Well. It was. THE CHRISTENING. If you remember from way back in episode one, at some point during the brawl, Kat wheeled baby Audriana (that fat ass, as @TheRealMilaniaG would say – well done, mere2142!) in her stroller out of the fray. And then proceeded to remind Teresa of her baby rescuing skills at the Posche fashion show, prompting a whole season’s worth of unspoken battles. But all that’s about to change.

“My beloved Kathy is being attacked,” whimpers Gay Sidekick. Oh, please. Your beloved knew exactly what she was doing when she mentioned how she couldn’t be away from her kids. She knew exactly how to poke the sparkly lycra beast. “I wish you luck, that’s all,” says Kat in her most saintly voice. I’m not buying it. “I was only saying that I couldn’t be away from my kids, and you made it about you,” she simpers. Still not buying it. Kat knew what she was doing when she brought up the kids.

“My children are my life,” screams Teresa. Brown Smurf walks away from his wife, sits with the guys, smokes a cigar and takes in the show. Teresa is still going. “I left my child unattended?” she is now asking. No one is saying that, Kat fake-explains.

They rehash the stroller wheeling out, the ensuing fight, fate versus free will…no, not really. They just remind each other of what they said in all their other fights. Kat condescendingly tells Teresa she’s a good Mom, to which Teresa snaps back that she doesn’t need to prove it to Kat or anyone else.

Someone starts singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall to lighten the mood.   Doesn’t matter, Teresa’s in the zone!  She keeps going, telling Kat that the stroller thing always bothered her, but they never talked about it. And now they did, Teresa says, satisfied.

Oh, but now Kat isn’t satisfied with the level of discussion. And we’re back to fighting. Even though Teresa’s made her peace with THE CHRISTENING, Kat has some new issues. So, say your piece, offers Teresa. To which Kat retorts that she can’t because the floor is always Teresa’s. Ugh, I can’t stand this. Now she’s gonna spite Teresa by refusing to speak, and then we have a whole new sub-fight.

Construct a cannoli out of sand immediately, or I’m done with you.

Wait. Actually, I love this.  Everyone yells at Brown Smurf to “end it”, but it kind of seems like he’s enjoying it too.  Shit, now we have something in common.  I’m all caught up, so I don’t even notice that Mel is standing there with Lauren congratulating herself on staying out of this particular blood feud.

Back at the fight, Teresa is just about to storm off with a parting, “I would never bring up her kids!”

“Not to my face,” says Kat, not to Teresa’s face.

“Did she call me a bitch?” asks Teresa, whipping around. Someone, get a table in there stat! Shouldn’t they always be keeping one on standby? Teresa finally successfully storms off. “What happened?” asks Mel, fake concerned, but really excitedly, her terrible acting skills on display, on display, on display.

Kat replies that Teresa is “cuckoo”, which made it really rude of her to have started in the first place. It’s mean to fuck with crazy people. Kat tells the story in a very carefully crafted way, that gets everyone on her side. All she said was she wouldn’t leave her kids, she cries innocently, why on earth would Teresa relate that to THE CHRISTENING?

And while it’s not nice to fuck with crazy people, it’s easy to justify yourself to everyone else by just calling them irrational and delusional and soon enough, everyone’s patting you on the back and calling you a straight shooter. Wait, what? I’m sorry, this shit only worked because these particular  people are so mind-numbingly stupid.

Did I mention Teresa’s the crazy one?

Teresa and Brown Smurf are busy kicking up sand on another end of the beach. Midge Joe is wearing a pirate shirt and all ready for role play with Gay Sidekick later. He doesn’t want to deal with drama all the time. He’s happy, he’s drinking, he got his frigid wife to do it with him in a public beach bathroom, everyone should just relax.

Al gets concerned that the group might not survive the incident without some Manzo fortune cookie wisdom, so he says that Teresa wasn’t over it and it only took a tiny bit of a shot to jump back in and she took it. Yeah, I’m pretty sure Kat knew all that.

Teresa is still yelling about the accusation of being detached from her children, which wasn’t exactly what was said, but I guess who cares at this point. Teresa says she doesn’t understand why Kat has to always bring up the kids. But it doesn’t hurt her, Teresa tells us from fantasyland, it just shows her that she’s a better person.

Next time we see more of the fight, and then Mel makes her worldwide lip synch debut!