RHONJ: Baby Don Rickles’ Birthday

Previously on Real Housewives of New Jersey, the girls learned the spirit of Christmas. Just kidding! They tortured a poor old lady with a brain tumor and made her cry.

Poor defenseless little thing!

It’s Christmas Eve in New Jersey. Still. Midget Joe is packing up the kids to move from Teresa’s to Kathy’s. And by packing up I mean he’s making the waitress do it all for him. Not that I blame him. He payed enough for her. I hope that when he runs out of chores he makes her marry ketchups or something. You got time to lean, you got time to clean, Smelissa!

Teresa is visibly upset, and takes him to the dining room. “Come eah I wanna show you somethin’.” Your labia’s practically hanging out of that ho skirt. What more could you possibly have to show him?

Why, the dining room table, of course. She’s set a place for him and now he’s ruining everything! You’ah suppose to spend Christmas wit ya sista, not ya cousin’! Why, it’s offensive that Kathy even had the nerve to invite Midge to her house on such a special day!! It’s someone’s birthday, but I forgot whose. Wait. Mmmmm…..

Happy birthday, Baby Jeremy Piven!

She’s even gone to the trouble of folding the napkins into the shape of frank n balls, complete with fake jewels around the cock ring.

Midge is uncomfortable, and he seems kinda scared of Teresa. Like everyone else who’s ever had to look at her up close. She goes on about what an evil bitch Kathy is for stealing her brother away from her, and she seems to be hyperventilating in her interview. It’s hilarious. Especially when she tells Midge that Kathy “delibertty tried ta hurt me!”  That sounds dangerous. Midge deliberately lowers his voice and asks her to deliberate her feelings on the matter with Kathy herself. She deliberates. Kidding! She doesn’t hear a thing he’s saying. She’s on and on about evil Kathy having the nerve to come up to her and say nice stuff at dat Christmas party.

Midge doesn’t understand why she can’t just call her and work it out. Because that gets its own episode, Midge! You gotta learn the tricks. There are other ways to get screen time than wearing a dress. Teresa’s getting herself worked up into a tizzy and trying to convince Midge that Kathy’s the Ali Larter to her Beyonce.

You both say “algebuh”, but the similarities end there.

Best part of a Teresa mini-freak out:

Blinking.

Midge says stuff, but I can’t pay attention to a grown man dressed like a Gadzook’s salesman.

He shrugs and tells her to work it out with Kathy. Teresa blinks some more and pulls the kid card. Now his kids are gonna be stuck at a boring kidless party instead of learning to set fires or punch the shit out of babies at her house. Stay! Do it for the children! Kathy’s gonna make em write chastity contracts or some shit. Kids on this show? Are screwed either way.

Midge sticks to his guns, and Teresa sticks to her blink. She gives him a passive aggressive kiss goodbye. Her face looks like it’s pushed up against a glass wall. How does she do that? It’s like there’s an invisible force field there.

She tells him she loves him. He wipes the caulk she’s been using as a poor person’s lip filler off his cheek and tells her he loves her too. AW! Martyrdom. What better way to celebrate Bob Barker’s birth?

Caroline’s house. Caro is frantically getting dinner ready for the Great American Buffet crowd she invited over for the holiday.

Chris and Jacqueline are there, and the editors tell us the story of how they met.

Caroline’s been cooking for days and she’s not getting out of her sweats for dinner. She sniffs her armpit, then tells us that if someone’s got a problem widdit, too bad. She has to make everything sound like a dangerous confrontation. It’s Lonnie Anderson’s birthday, Caroline. You won’t have to break anyone’s knees tonight. Shhhh. Relax.

Bathe. Amen.

Uncle Loue stands and gives the ole “I’m the oldest member of this family, but I’ve still got the best ass so SUCK IT” speech.

As he talks about respecting your fambly, the kids text and ignore him. I’m sure things were the same back when Louie was young. There weren’t cell phones back then. Or electricity. The kids would just tap messages in morse code to each other under the table or some shit. Point is, the rule about kids being assholes is as old as time. Jacqui looks totally touched by the speech.

Over at the kids table, Assley is trying to make conversation about what fun everyone must be having at the Gorga’s. Everyone does that “ughwhyisshetalkingtome” sigh and looks over at the adult table longingly. The next spot likely to open up at that table is Louie’s, and I think he’s in it for the long haul. Suck it up, brats!

Smell and Midge are still trying to get out of Teresa’s house. Yet another reason not to have kids. You can’t just pick up and run when a crazy eyed monster is coming at you.

Who wants ta open preeeeesents?!? HAHAH! Teresa is Christmas raping Midge and Smell. Tre whines that the kids are sad that they have to leave. Love it. Get the kids crying and furious for the car ride to Kathy’s. Teresa’s a sick bitch, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We get to see where she gets it from when her dad gives Smell and Midge the triple evil eye for leaving early. He berates Smell for not being home the last three times he stopped by, and she says that he just needs to call and tell her he’s coming and she’ll be home. He shouts “I done usa da fonea!” HAHAHAH! Shocker: a selfish prick heads this family. No wonder your children are goblins. The poopoo doesn’t fall far from the butt. It’s a touching scene for a family holiday. We get to see how one man’s flawed seed can grow into a giant flawed tree. Let’s hug.

Now Gia’s in on the act, begging Midge to stay in seasoned victim voice. Man, kids learn quick.

Write!
Nothin’ but death’ll keep me from it! NOTHIN’ BUT DEATH’LL KEEP ME FROM IT!

The Gorgaoyles finally make it out of the house. I find it amusing that every time Teresa opens her door she’s breaking an angel’s back.

Over at Caroline’s, Chris is running around in the bushes jangling bells to trick the kids into thinking Santa’s outside. Unfortunately, he does it in plain view of everyone with no disguise. And under a spotlight.

When Jacqui’s son alerts the family to the appearance of a fat pasty pervert in the bushes, they tell him he’s crazy. I know the Santa myth is tradition, but it’s really unfair the way they’re handling this. The next time the kid sees a perv jangling change in the bushes outside his house, he’s not gonna tell anyone so they don’t call him a liar again. Child endangerment. Caro says the best part of Christmas is lying to kids and making them think they’re losing their minds. It prepares them for marriage.

The Gagoyles make their way over to Kathy’s. Since Mel’s register came up four dollars short at the end of the night, she has to sit in the back seat. Midge tells her about Teresa’s guilt trip, and she argues that if Teresa didn’t want a divided Christmas, she would have invited Kathy to her house. Besides, it’s not like they’re the only ones going to two parties.

Jacqueline, you weren’t invited. Sorry.

Smell is very diplomatic when she tells Kathy how it went at Tre’s. She mentions that Teresa pulled Midge aside to show him the two cock napkins she had folded for them, but she doesn’t go into a tirade about what a desperate needy hag she was, so that’s nice. Kathy says that she hopes one day Teresa will forgive her and move on so they can all be together again, but she’ll wait until she’s ready. Spoken like a true super villain! Look, here’s the deal: Teresa hates your guts and wishes you were dead. K? The end. Merry Christmas!

As if knowing that Teresa is calling her a brother stealing monster in her interviews, Kathy tells the couple that she hopes they know that it wouldn’t have offended her if they had stayed at Teresa’s for dinnertime. Then Tre would have just been mad because they didn’t stay for dessert time. Or dish duty time. Or sleep on the couch so your husband can put his penis inside me for old times sake time. Ya can’t win with her. One common theme on all of these Housewives shows is: NO ONE WINS. Midge says that he chose to leave Tre’s cuz he wanted to show them that he’s willing to move forward. Huh? Does anyone in that family know how to talk?

And then this happened.

Caroline, looking like hell has rained down upon her, is talking turkey neck about her New Year’s Party at the Brownstone.

Don’t groom for your guests, groom for us.

She is thinking about inviting Smell and Midge. Don’t worry, your kids already did! But what about Rich and Kathy? Jaqueline raises her finger and votes no for the absent Teresa. LOL. It’s not Teresa’s party so she can suck it. Caroline loves Midge cuz he reminds her of Chris, the way they’re hiding in the bushes all the time jangling stuff. Besides, she’s wanted to get the Brownstone remodeled, and just setting fire to it would make the insurance companies suspicious. She’s going to have Teresa take it down from the inside.

Cut to Melissa telling Kathy about the invite and kind of inviting them along. She vows to make Kathy and Teresa work out their differences so she doesn’t have to suffer Teresa’s insanity alone. At Caroline’s, it’s decided that Kathy and Rich are going to be invited, and Chris mentions that she can bring her husband, Jeff Goldblum. Somewhere in LA, Jeff Goldblum just started doing pushups and made an appointment at the back waxer’s.

Jacqui tells us that she’s Teresa’s friend first and foremost, and she knows that if she picks sides she’s gonna have her head served on a platter. Shit. Too late!

Assley is trying to hang on to the only man that didn’t immediately walk in the opposite direction as she approached. Her brother should know better by now. Poor little guy looks like he’d rather confront the perv in the bushes that be with Ass. We slowly watch her suck out his spirit like he’s a Capri Sun. Sadness.

Caroline gives her kids their fugly Kay’s bracelets and they cry. They’re either touched or wondering how they got sniffed on XBoxes again. Then Albie gives Chris the only thing he really wanted. A hand job.

Now you’ll look even gayer. Merry Christmas!

Christmas morning! Jacqui and Chris have bought their children an obscene amount of toys, but at least their stellar parenting skills come into play a little.

If you get one more DUI, we’re taking that thing away and not buying you a brand new one until you do nothing to earn it, young man.

Assley didn’t get her parents anything for Christmas!! She smirks and says she spent all her money on her car and boxes of Little Debbies. Damn girl. After all they’ve given you. A terrible personality, cottage cheese ass, a face that could knock a partridge out of a pear tree…ok I’m starting to see where some of her resentment is coming from. Never mind. Fuck em.

When they buy you a comb, a toothbrush and a large paper bag for your head so you’ll stop making it rain upside down, then buy them a gift.

Over at the Gorgaoyle’s, the family awakens to realize that Assley has been there.

Jesus do kids really need an old timey popcorn machine?!? If I was rich and I had kids, I’d make sure they didn’t get spoiled stupid like the brats on this show. I’d institute a one gift rule: go up to my closet and pick out any belt you want and I’ll only beat you with that one. Hugs! Slap. Mel has bought her baby a drum set, so she’ll have someone as musically proficient as she is to jam with.

I hope there are lawyers taking screen grabs of this shit for the inevitable Gorga bankruptcy storyline.

Smell gets a little defensive about what a colossal waste of life she is money she spent. She spent it cuz she had it, ok mothatrucka? She should run for office. Besides, it’s Walter Matthau’s birthday or something. Her daughter got her an eye cover so she won’t have to stare at the eggheaded midget customer she married while he implants her with their future off key army of suck.

Smell gets fake diamond stripper heels. Then she gets a knock off Louis. Then she gets a gold foil coated Fauxlex. Then a starving kid in Africa gets another fly on his tear stained face.

Over at Tre’s, the kids can’t open presents until Juicy gets his fat lazy ass out of bed. And he won’t. Now that’s parenting!

Daddy worked hard to shoplift all your gifts. Give him some respect.

Teresa gives us a speech about how important it is to not concentrate on material things on Rita Rudner’s birthday before we see her children gorge on the American Dream (i.e. other people’s money). This episode is grossing me out. Thankfully, Juicy has gotten me something.

The gift of feeling thin and classy.

Milania got a set of drums, too, so she can show Melissa’s baby what a talentless piece of shit he is. I can’t wait til the reunion fight about who bought their kids drums first. Tre got Juicy a bra for Christmas with crucifixes on the nipples. He got her a fugly coat and a tarnished name. She says “so…no diamonds?” He doesn’t answer, because who wants to say “How much do you think I get in da tip jar after slinging pizzas two day a week you dumb hooah?” on TV on Sandy Duncan’s bday? It’s embarrassing. So is buying hemorrhoid cream, but if you don’t get some under those asshole looking eyes pretty soon they’re gonna swell all the way shut. Juice seems to hate his life almost as much as I do.

Kathy and Rich get their daughter a chastity belt and their son a machete to take out pesky rodents with. Kathy got Rich a new wedding band, cuz he keeps mysteriously losing them. Rich got her a box of hooker herpes. The kids have written speeches. Badly written, but still. Good parenting has no place on this show. They bought mom a laptop! AW! I’m uncomfortable for feeling good things towards a family on a Housewives show. Please excuse me while I go set some helpless invalids on fire.

Much better. Caroline and Albert are alone for Christmas. They’ll get to see the kids later at some concert, and Caro says that she’ll take the little spurts where she can get them. No one asked for your stomach turning marital advice, Caroline. Albert stops the car under a creepy overpass. I have a feeling that’s the same overpass Rich keeps losing his wedding rings under. Nothing good happens under overpasses.

When Albert proposed, he was so nervous that he just pulled over to the side of the road and vomited on Caroline. They joke that their marriage was never real because he didn’t propose on one knee. So he gets out of the car, gets on his knees, and proposes. AW! Caroline tells him to buck up, get serious, and get over it cuz it’s fambly. And cries a lot.

Didja see Rich run behind that column or am I dreamin’ things?

The ring has her original wedding diamond, but she’s gained some pounds since the wedding so he had it reset for her. On one hand, it’s a really sweet thought. On the other hand, it’s kind of a regift. She got him tape to keep his balls from slipping out his pant leg cuff and hitting the floor. Practicality: the saving grace of any good marriage.

Midge has another surprise for Melissa! I’ll give you a hint: it’s not a voice. Or a good song. Or any hope of ever making it in the music business. It’s her jerk off studio! Congrats! Naturally, she wiggy wiggles on the volume faders and then complains that he didn’t get her a bling microphone. And then a child in Africa dies of malaria cuz it couldn’t afford a mosquito net. What happens in this room will send aspirin sales skyrocketing, which in turn helps the economy. So…yay? It’s actually the perfect gift: a soundproof room to lock her ass in.

Like giving a paraplegic rollerblades.

She whisper sings badly as Midge brags that he’s built a cage for her and she’s too stupid to realize it. He asks for sex and she says she won’t do it on Al Gore’s birthday. Wow. If a golden Rolex, a Louis and a recording studio doesn’t get you laid, nothing will. I have a feeling a visit to Teresa’s is looming.

Speaking of good husbands…

Gia is sick and barfing, and it’s the only thing that’s made Juicy smile all morning. LOL. What. A. Dick. Teresa wants to talk about how great the party was last night. Juice looks like he wants to blow his brains out cuz he knows what’s coming. She starts babbling about how rude it was for his brother to leave, and he says it was rude that he didn’t tell them beforehand that he was only coming for a little while and not staying. It must be the witch he married influencing him to be a bad person. Was it that same witch that influenced you to show off your tacky giant rack on Larry King’s birthday?

That’s gonna go straight to your tits.

When he calls Smell a witch, Teresa takes a long pause to smile crazily before muttering “don’t say that.” HA. Teresa won’t stop blinking and ranting about hating Kathy and Melissa, so he grumbles, farts and burps at the same time and goes back to bed.

Now let’s take a look at Albie and Chris’ wacky web series! Albie has a date with a guy who’s missing a penis and doesn’t want Chris to embarrass him. You better hope Big Gay Greg doesn’t embarrass you by bricking your windshield in the middle of your date, CHEATER.

Caroline picks the kids up to take them to a Billy Joel’s Daughter concert, and Albie’s date is Billy’s daughter.  Caroline is in love with Alexa, and Chris says that if she could trade some goats for her like in the old days, she’d do it. HA. I suspect she might like Alexa because she thinks Billy Joel will meet Caroline and fall in love. He’s the same type as Albert, but hotter. EW. Did I just type Billy Joel is hotter than someone? If I had pictured this moment as a kid, I would have made more of an effort to not suck so bad at life and studied. It’s natural to want an old pop icon as a friend. Just don’t let him drive. Ever.

They all gather in a club and Caroline gushes about how impressive it is that Alexa is doing all this on her own and not riding her dad’s coat tails. I wouldn’t ride on his anything. Get your ass wrapped around a tree. Hey who cares about any of this? Christy Brinkley is here! SHOW HER!!

Alexis is pretty, smart and funny. She seems to actually have all her working lady parts too, which means this is a no go. She teases Albie for being a year younger than her and says she’ll need anti aging cream so she doesn’t feel like such an old lady. Albie, kinda sweaty, stutters “ya wanna glass a milk? You know…cuz ya old?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I wish Christy Brinkley would come to the table and be horrified.

Caroline can’t stop gushing, and it’s making everyone uncomfortable. Alexa goes up to sing, and she can actually do it. Like, in the same key that the band is playing. How did she get on this show? The episode ends with Caroline, starry eyed over her new daughter in never law, waxing poetic about how important fambly is. Just look at how touched Penisless Lauren was when she got that bracelet? “Next time ya wanna call ya sista a bitch or you’ah brotha an asshole, you can look down and say” yet another year I got shitty fake diamonds instead of a name you’ll remember. I HATE YOU MOTHER!

Next week, New Year’s fights and more people say “fuck Teresa”. See you then!