Street justice. I’ve been thinking a lot about street justice the last few days. Why? Well, these bitches of course, and the fact that I watched The Boondock Saints again the other night.
All I need are a couple of Irish boys packing heat to pay a visit to Bergen County and the next morning I can stretch my arms and shake the moron hoard out of my head along with the cobwebs. That would be heaven. But for now, back to New Jersey and our outre bitches.
Where was I? Oh yeah. I was gazing at a cheap table at an even cheaper fashion show attended by a group of simply stunning rejects from a John Waters film.
Are we sure that they’re all women? I thought I saw Edie the Egg Lady for a minute there. They need make-overs, the whole lot of them. And why are they staring daggars at Posche Kim’s table? I guess they didn’t get the memo that Danielle IS INSANE. It looks as though she’s got them all worked up into a frenzy of hatred for Teresa and Jackie et al, instead of heading for the exits like a normal person would.
Teresa says it’s the cool girls vs. the mean girls, lumping herself in with the popular kids in the school lunch room. Jaqueline mumbles that she doesn’t want to deal with it as Ashley throws Danielle a sarcastic wave and then complains to mommy that the big bad Staub is looking at her funny. So what? Grow up……or go to jail. You’re not a minor anymore, Idiot.
But at least you can use that old ‘not of sound mind’ defense.
Mommy is too drunk to keep up too. She done drank herself into a stupor. Who wouldn’t? Except she isn’t so great at keeping a lid on herself or her daughter when she’s sober, let alone blotto. She holds onto the stem of her wineglass like she’s clinging to a life raft as Danielle takes tiny fake sips of her Champagne. The Staub needs to keep her wits about her tonight. That, and she thinks that bubbles make you fat.
It’s so childish, the eying of each other across the tables, so it’s no surprise that Ashley gets so riled up. It IS pretty dumb and it appeared as though Danielle was the one that instigated it. Hard to tell, though. They’re all idiots, and watch your tongue Danielle, when impugning Jackie’s parenting abilities. At least she doesn’t invite creepy men into the home she shares with her kids, nor is she living vicariously through them while releasing a sex tape while they are still in school.
Yes, put your hands together for MOTHER OF THE YEAR, DANIELLE STAUB.
Danielle has to tinkle out the two ounces of liquid that managed to slip down her throat and she gets up to go to the bathroom. I don’t think that she had any intention of getting even the tiniest bit buzzed so I’m going to blame it on a loose gag reflex.
All of a sudden Jackie snaps out of her drunken haze to realize that she has no idea where Ashley or Teresa are. She gets up to find Teresa waiting for Danielle outside the bathroom because that’s what nice, friendly people do. She just wants to say hello, that’s all. Nothing tawdry here, folks. Since we’re back in high school, I’m sure that she wants to position herself to be the first to snicker at any toilet paper that might be stuck to someone’s shoe.
Who, me? I’m just a humble country club hall monitor.
Old nasty pants finally exits the freshly defiled powder room accompanied by granny g-string and the sound of a sweet friendly, “Danielle” from Teresa. I distinctly heard Danielle say hi as Teresa gets this tenth grade bully smirk on her face and tries to make her feel shitty for not saying hello first. Have you ever had anyone complain to you that they had to say hello first? I haven’t. Never. It’s dumb and it immediately puts the other person on the defensive, not exactly a friendly thing to do.
It also gives the impression that Danielle is below her and should be the one approaching Teresa, not the other way around. Who is she? Queen of The Planet of the Apes? I didn’t realize that reading at the fourth grade level gave one a superiority complex. She did only just learn how to apply lipstick, so maybe that’s it.
Every day is a learning experience when you’re a Giudice!
Danielle knows that she trying to stir some shit up and she turns to walk away only to be brought back by Eve to listen to all the things that the nice lady wants to say. Eve is an asshole. Teresa wasn’t being nice, not for one single second. She wants Danielle to pop off so that she can too. Girl has rage inside her and who knows? maybe a little post partum depression too. We never see that baby, as some of you so astutely pointed out.
After some pleasantries about their daughter’s respective modeling jobs- silence. Danielle says the conversation doesn’t feel friendly to her. It comes off as game-y. Not dead squirrel stew gamey but playing head games game-y. I think. I could be wrong. Teresa IS wearing fur and those Neanderthals love their gopher shish kabob, ya know.
They also enjoy throwing the blame on others, like when they flip tables. Danielle MADE her do it. She never would have broken all that pretty pretty glass and China if Danielle hadn’t made her feel stoopit. Pay attention, Gasmii, puh-lease.
Teresa is nice, ask anyone. Except the guy that made her onyx sink and the bill collector at Nordstrom or the nice doctor that I put a hit on for allowing her to procreate again. Those people don’t count. They had it coming and got stiffed because they dared to stand between Teresa and something she wanted.
But no, Danielle got her to that point, it’s all Danielle’s fault. So says nice Mother Teresa, how dare Danielle tell her to take responsibility for her own actions! They weren’t actions, they were re-actions and everyone knows stoopit Jersey bitches aren’t responsible for those! Haven’t you seen the Wildwood, New Jersey video?
So yeah, Teresa says, “No I don’t, honey,” and thus begins the whole -don’t call me honey, is bitch better?- thing. Arrrrrrrggghhh, you awakened the mastodon of doom, Danielle! Run for your life! She’s gonna eat you if she catches up to you. Quick, hide behind that potted plant. I hear that confuses them. they’ll start flailing their arms around one side, then the other like a dinosaur in Jurassic Park, snatching at you with their claws until they grow tired. Right? It’s where I would hide if I felt the ground tremble and heard “Ho-wah, ya gunna run? You sceh’d?” coming from behind me. That or throw something sparkly in her general direction.
She’ll think it’s dye-muns and get distracted.
Instead, Danielle yells, “That’s e-fucking-nough,” at her. I guess that bitch wasn’t better. Oopsy. It’s an easy mistake to make. She only answers to prostitution burlesque dancer these days. The only people that know that are her real girlfriends. The ladies that she cherishes and loves and Bravo rents by the hour.
Shit gets weird fast. Teresa starts bobbing and weaving her head like a ghetto princess, letting her know that she will bring it since she’s from Patterson, whatever that means. I’m not familiar with those environs but I’m going to assume from her mastery of the English language that they have a five star school system there.
Out of a possible ten.
She shouldn’t have brought it up since it gave Danielle a golden opportunity to say that she’s seen the crappy house she grew up in and that 5 million dollar mansion she lives in now? It’s in foreclosure. She yells that so everyone can hear. oy.
We all know now that the house she was referring to was one of their rental properties, but who knew how close to the truth she would turn out to be? Where does Danielle get all this dirt? She’s worse than Jill and her Google alerts. I wonder if she listens to police scanners and makes her daughters go down to city hall and check records instead of doing their homework assignments. She probably rewards them by dropping them off around the corner from school instead of at the door where everyone can see her and point at the scary witch lady.
Teresa interviews that Danielle started the whole melee. By doing what, saying that she doesn’t know you to be a nice person? It’s also cute how assholes like Teresa live to hear every drop of everyone’s dirt and when the focus gets turned on them they pull out the old, “It’s none of their business” card. Precious.
Granny Eve tries to hold Teresa back but that works for about two seconds. She might as well be a seal pup trying to wrangle a Great White. Danielle knows damn well that trouble is brewing and she hastens out of there with her bodyguard, still hurling insults over his shoulder as she tells him to get her out of there.
Even Jacqueline falls into the drama trap. She starts chasing after her yelling that she read the transcripts from her arrest and knows that she pistol whipped somebody. Okaaay. Is she trying to make the point that Danielle is just as violent as Teresa? Cuz I’m not buying it. She was undoubtedly coked out of her mind back then, and still. Today she is no match for Teresa’s one-woman lynch mob.
They chase her right out the door of the club, leaving a trail of pissed off women in their wake. Every single one of those bitches idly watch Teresa run by and only two try to stop her, getting dragged to the ground for their trouble.
It’s the caveMEN that do the dragging, HONEY.
I wonder if they’ll get invited back someday? Hmm, let me check.
That’d be a big fat NO.
Danielle is outside cowering behind a bush beside the front door, crying and shaking like a maniac. “Get me out of here! I wanna go home!” Eve is too busy making sure that Teresa cools her heels in the foyer to get the car. Should’ve brought a stun gun!
My vagina fell out again.
It was nice of Eve to play bodyguard for Danielle since her own bodyguard SUCKED. Who recommended him? Danny? All he did was look around him like a Secret Service agent and then grab Danielle a lot. I’m guessing that this wasn’t a job that he took very seriously or he would have done his research and had a safe place for her to run to, like an office or something. Oh well, you get what you pay for, and he’s being paid in rim jobs, so there you go.
Thank goodness that no one believes Teresa when she says that she’s not going to do anything to Danielle. She’s a freaking liar and all she cares about right now is making sure that Eve knows that her home isn’t being foreclosed upon. If she wasn’t so worried about people gossiping about her she would have beaten Ashley to the punch and had handfuls of weave in her paws by now.
DRAMA. Danielle is acting IT UP, chewing the scenery and leaving chunks in her wake like an F5. The screaming, the crying, the pleading for someone to get her out of there. She can’t walk because she broke her heel trying to escape the rabid monkey lady. That’ll teach you to tempt fate and wear ‘burlesque’ heels.
She’s going to pass out and she can’t walk without her heels, so Harry the driver has to come over to carry her to the car. Seriously? She’s out of control. She wants to be carried like a damsel in distress or Roman royalty on a litter carried by Nubian slaves. She’s watched one too many gladiator movies. Or have I? Hard to tell.
Everyone is so busy trying to harness the Teresabeast that Ashley makes her way over to Danielle unimpeded.
Aw geez, there goes my cornhole too.
Bye, bye cheap polyester hair. She immediately admits on camera that she pulled out Danielle’s weave. Dumbo! I’d be scared for her future if I gave a crap. She did this at a country club, surrounded by what passes for adults.
Good luck getting the crabs out of your fingernails now, Stephen Hawking.
Here I go again with a ‘my mother would have’ story, only it’s not going to involve my mother.
If I so much as rudely bumped into a woman at a country club when I was 19, hell, if I made a snide remark, one of my mother’s friends would have grabbed my arm and marched me to the hallway for a lecture on manners. I would have turned beet red and swallowed my pride.
Why? Because you do not shame your family and people remember shit like that. You don’t get invited back. You get ostracized and shunned. Don’t wealthy people teach their kids this stuff? That’s actually a good question. I know that most of these housewives are nouveau riche, but do any of them actually belong to a country club? A women’s auxiliary or chamber of commerce? Anything where you have to show tact? Anywhere that a child could pick up some manners when their parents are incapable of guidance?
And how do you afford a weave when you complain that you don’t have enough money to buy your kids school supplies? Questions, I have questions. Trash, the whole lot of them. A bunch of good for nothing abject ignoble ignoramuses.
At least Harry has his priorities straight. Teresa stomps towards the Bentley and all he’s worried about is the possibility of her messing up the car with her club or the odd chance that rat droppings fall out of her matted hair onto the fine Corinthian leather upholstery.
She swears on the rah-in fruit of her loins that she has no intention of harming Danielle. Then she stands in the Bentley’s path and she ain’t movin’ “until I can talk to the bitch.” I keep waiting for someone to call animal control, um, the police and finally Danielle asks Eve to get them on the horn.
Everyone is bum rushing the car, including Ashley and Jacqueline. Jackie tells her hood rat daughter to get the hell out of there (DUH) and all that idiot teen can do is accuse her mother of choosing Danielle over her.
Oh my GOD. I would have disowned that child by now. I would be on the phone to her birth hospital demanding the name of the nurse that switched my child at birth. What a moron! She can’t even get disreputable right. Do it OFF CAMERA and then kinda sorta brag about it later. The only thing this girl is good at is being sensitive about her weight. I take that back. She isn’t even fat! So she sucks at that too.
Girl needs to get bitched slapped by a friend or doesn’t she have any of those? Can you do a stupidity intervention, get together the housewives with common sense and have them dole out a verbal beat down? I nominate Crackie and Caroline. This girl needs help.
Danielle is on the phone telling the cops how terribly violated she is and Teresa walks off when she hears that a real pig with no lipstick might be coming to get her. Nice. She’s such a bully. So much stupidity ensues that it’s ridiculous. Eve gets out of the car to speak to Jackie and all Danielle is worried about is Eve hitting her?
With what, her cane?
Danielle cools her heels in the car waiting for the cops and Eve goes inside to get her heart pills from her purse. She’s still playing both sides and frothing at the mouth from all the lovely drama that’s unfolding around her.
She agrees with Teresa that she was just being nice. Whose side is she on? She doesn’t bat an eye when Teresa says that she calls everyone “honey.” No she doesn’t, and it’s all about the tone of voice, not the exact words. She doesn’t even yell at Ashley for tearing out Danielle’s weave. Why? Ashley thought that Danielle had hit her mom.
LIE. If she truly thought that her mother had been hit, she would have done WAY worse than pull out a lousy extension and we all know it. Danielle would be rocking a Kojak and bidding on Zolziak wigs with credit cards she ‘found’ in her dates’ pockets.
Drunken Posche Kim hugs poor widdle misunderstood Ashley. I’m glad to see that none of this is bothering our boutique owner in the least. She’s too busy floating on her Korbel and valium Funhouse car ride. The one where she doesn’t look like a blonde Scrooge McDuck and Ashley’s future jail stint is a walk in the park
with prison sex for everyone!
You saw Kim’s boyfriend in the first episode. She’s not exactly picky. She might as well be roofied.
Outside, everyone waits for the cops to arrive and it looks like even the wait staff is traumatized. Jacqueline manages to keep the swaying to a minimum as she stares at the Bentley with glazed eyes.
Everyone likes a nice drunk, but I’m not one to brag about it.
Her little mind is probably racing trying to think of the best possible route of damage control. Danielle calls her a skanky whore, completely unaware of the fact that she is simply throwing out the insults that hurt HER the most because they are damn close to the truth. She’s a whore and everyone knows it.
She’s also a scam artist that can go from hysterical to completely calm and calculating in the same amount of time it takes her drop her panties when a man of means is within blowing distance. And the poor dispatcher! Give this person a raise. They had to listen to her ravings until the actual cops arrive.
They blur out their faces, which is no surprise. I tell you what, though. If I was anywhere near these bitches when they were filming I would demand that my face be blurred out too. One glance of Teresa’s forehead close up or Danielle’s twin peak eyebrows and my face would be twisted into a scary mask of revulsion and horror. No need to add to the already sordid goings on. They’re bad enough.
As soon as Danielle sees the cops she’s back to being a scared little bird amongst big bad ravenous vultures, shaking and crying and telling the officer that she “needs those wummin to leave her alone.”
She cries that she wants to go home, acting more and more veklempt. She gets so upset when she relives the incident later in interviews that she has to excuse herself in order to gather her wits.
“Excuse me. I have a weave to bury and a cop to blow.”
Ashley gets interviewed by the cops and she freely admits to pulling out the weave even though she claims that technically she never laid a hand on Danielle since the hair wasn’t a natural part of her person. How does she come up with these excuses? Even C.J. knows that’s not going to fly. What are her SAT scores? 2?
But officer, technically I have the IQ of a rabid raccoon, you CAN’T charge me as an adult.
She acts like it’s no big deal. Why should anyone care if she assaulted the town pariah? She’s a skank so it’s all good, right? Jacqueline should be ashamed of her. People are going to know where she learned this shape shifting morality of hers, and it ain’t from Caroline. One of these days she’s going to pick a fight with someone that has even less to lose, and it isn’t going to be pretty.
Teresa is just as bad, if not worse, because she should know better. I am having a hard time figuring out who is the bigger con artist and liar, her or Danielle. A cop comes up to interview the foreheadless wonder and she plays dumb like a pro. She barely has to act!
It’s so insane. It’s like watching the caricature of a caricature of a dumb blonde in a Marx Brothers movie. “You want my license for what? What report? I don’t have it on me. Nope, never carry it and I didn’t do nuthin’, officer, I swear.”
“Shucks, I just learned to brush the twigs outta my hair with a garden rake last week.”
What a shady scamming sleazebag. She wants the officer to arrest Danielle because she’s the drama queen. What?, says Teresa. That’s not against the law? Well, it should be. Ya know, unless I’M responsible.
Drama Queen cries in her car as the cops let everyone go home. No one gets arrested. The Staub has to leave unvindicated. They should have arrested Ashley! Danielle lost her heel! She broke her shoes, just like a fairytale gone very, very wrong. The low rent busted version of Cinderella has to hobble home like a prostitution hoo-or that couldn’t outrun her pimp.
Slickback never told me there’d be days like these.
By the way, Danielle, the voice of reason, says that bad behaviour needs consequences. Unless you’re a snitch. Sadly, there’s no one for Ashley to rat out in order to broker a deal for herself in the Great Weave Yanking Case of 2009. It’s too bad that those weren’t fashion police. Ashley wouldn’t even have registered a blip compared to the wummin at the fashion show.
None of these chicks is going to get invited to a swap meet after this, let alone the rarefied atmosphere of a swank country club. Good luck with THAT. The locals tend to avoid you when your marble hutch is sitting on a tree lawn with a sign that says “4 sail.”
Even Caroline isn’t falling for Teresa’s crap anymore. The next morning, she and Jacqueline and Teresa meet at her house to go over the events. After the usual joke about needing booze in the coffee, Jackie tells mama Manzo that the night ended with 8 police cars. Cue up the shocked head cock. I feel you, sister.
What the hell, no dishwasher?
I’m sorry. I got distracted for a second by the sight of mugs and plates on a dish rack in a mansion. What is that about? I live in a ninety year old house and even I have a dishwasher. The last time i washed a mug was during the Clinton administration.
Meanwhile, Danielle is giving Danny the rundown in her equally run down domicile. He looks fascinated, as usual, and his probation must be over because he’s looking less beefy and more like a skinny Alice Cooper.
Bonus Druggie Head Cock!
People have been gossiping to Danielle about Teresa. Of course they have. You flaunt that kind of wealth while flipping tables, tongues are going to start wagging. It’s no big shocker that a little Jersey birdie whispered in Danielle’s ear about the foreclosure.
She tells Danny about her new life-threatening bald spot and he tells her that it’s a good thing he wasn’t there. He’d be back in jail now. For what? Standing around puffing his chest out while calling the valet ‘faggot?’ Oh, that’s right, for hitting a girl. How manly that would be of him. I don’t know about you but I think that Teresa could take him.
And Danielle’s life was threatened, Gasmii. Those wummin want her dead and they won’t stop until she’s six feet under sucking off worms. Ashley pulled the hair out of her head LITERALLY. It’s the Jersey equivelant of a horse’s head in your bed. What to do with all that hair?
Merkins are SO out of style these days.
Back at Caroline’s, Teresa is lying. LITERALLY. Head Cock asks her if she had good intentions when she said hello to Danielle and she says yes. She had every intention of giving a good chase. So there.
Jackie refutes her good intentions by reiterating the lovely bit where Teresa said, “What? You’re not gonna say hello?” Um hmm. We are treated to more foreclosure denial before Teresa describes her altercation and subsequent dragging of the fine ladies of northern New Jersey. Caroline looks fed up with this childish shit and I bet in the back of her mind she’s wishing that she laughed in Bravo’s face and tried out for the more refined Jersey Shore instead.
GTL, Baby. Gym, tan and money laundering.
Jacqueline puts the cherry on the disheartening sundae by telling her that Ashley pulled Danielle’s hair. How did she put it? She “loosened her weave,” and then she asks Caroline if that constitutes assault. Caroline’s answer:
I dunno. Can we trade her for Christine?
She tells them that they gave Danielle exactly what she wanted. They now look like mean girls and she looks like the victim. I don’t think that they expected Caroline to be so upset with them. Jacqueline rocks Nicholas furiously as Teresa stands there wondering why no one thinks the Danielle bashing is funny anymore. She fucked up, but don’t worry. She’s so stupid that she’ll completely forget about all this in two seconds. She’s been hanging around Jill so much she caught her amnesia.
And where IS that damn baby of hers? Did Milania eat her? Maybe Nona was babysitting and lost track of the infant when she had to go outside and pluck Gabriella off of the roof again. She was busy picking bits of obsidian shingle out of the tot’s mouth and Audriana toddled through the mirra into Hell again. I guess what I’m trying to say is that somebody eventually is going to eat that baby, unless it gets repo-ed by Dr. InVitro first.
I hear that baby meat makes your hair and nails really shiny and healthy so maybe Danielle sent one of her jailbird lackeys over there to grab her. She needs to replace the hair that LITERALLY got pulled out of her scalp, you know.
Unless you’re a Giudice, weaves don’t grow on trees.
In case anyone gives a shit, Albie is meeting with an attorney to discuss his options for getting back into a law school. His lawyer seems concerned and asks him to tell her what’s going on from his perspective.
mommy won’t do my homework for me
He’s still upset because the dean promised to help his ADD handicapped ass but nobody answered the phone at the number he gave him. What the? Why didn’t he go back to the dean and ask for another? Or better yet, get mama to do it.
The nice lady tells him that he has a case and she’s going to draft a letter to his old school asking for another letter of introduction to a school that isn’t so hard on mama’s boys. Otherwise he’ll have to wait two whole years before he can attempt to get C’s at a less prestigious institute, one where the student body watches reality shows and might help him with his homework in exchange for a spot on camera next season. Snooze, conk, what? Moving on.
Since Danielle couldn’t wear Dina like last year’s Dots’ pantsuit, she’s copying her by having a Zen Jen of her own. She’s driving around town talking to her while she scouts corners to flaunt her goods in case her civil suit against Ashley doesn’t work out. I sure hope this crackerjack energy guru named Sarai can help her. The CDC of New Jersey depends on it!
Sarai, you might be saying, that’s an unusual name. you’re wrong. There’s tons of Sarai’s in the Wayne, NJ phone book. TONS, only they still go by Sarah or Sandra like their parents named them before they discovered scamming people through Eastern religions.
This Sarai chick is going to put Danielle on the right path of love and light before the bad energy in her life kills her. It’s a matter of life and death, I tell you. She could DIE. Someone might follow her into the bathroom this time instead of waiting politely outside and beat the shit out of her before she can snort her first line.
Is Danielle building a case to start carrying a weapon? I feel like it’s more than just trolling for sympathy with this woman. There’s always an underlying agenda. her entire life is one long grift. She better watch out or before she knows it Anjelica Huston is going to shoot her next to an ice bucket in a nasty old motel.
Sarai the swindling seer tells Danielle that she wants to contact Jacqueline. You know, to get a little word of mouth going so that Zen Jen doesn’t corner the market in impressionable wealthy ladies with too much time and moulah on their hands, I mean, clear up some of the bad energy that is floating in the air above Danielle like the proverbial black cloud.
Danielle gives her the go-ahead and tells her that she needs to pull over so that she can pull up Jacqueline’s number from her phone. In her world that means stopping in the middle of a busy road where cars have to swerve to avoid her behemoth of a Range Rover
because she’s so afraid of dying
What I wouldn’t give for one of those moments from The Soup where they blew up Heidi’s moving van or a giant shark came out of the ocean and bites off Audrina’s head. Do it RHONJ style, Joel McHale, I beg of you! It wouldn’t be any more ridiculous than Danielle thinking that forgiveness between her and Jacqueline is in order.
Good God, this Truman Show of Danielle’s is getting old. She doesn’t live in a parallel universe, she lives in a freaking trapezoid, if that makes any sense. NO? Exactly.
It’s a good thing that Teresa still had her non-opposable foot thumbs planted firmly in the ground. She understands her value in this world. She’s in the auction-ready Giudice rec room with it’s super classy pool table and chess sets made out of the bones of her ancestors, miming the whole fashion show melee for Juicy.
Hahaha, laugh at the funny monkey! Just don’t feed it. They get real pissed when you run out of peanuts and bread crusts and will probably grab your limbs through the bars of their cages. Have you ever tried to loosen the grip of a silverback gorilla? It ain’t easy
kinda like playing checkers on a chess board
What happens when you say “king me” more than once? Does Teresa’s head explode? Did they get extra pieces made special for them? I can just see it now. Teresa waltzes into the shoppe wearing the carcass of some poor animal, snaps her gum and says, “I jus wahn uh bunch uh dose kingy things and a couple dozen little guys, thanks.” She probably gave the knights and rooks to her midget Tamarins to choke on. Not knowing the shapes of anything not snack related, they buried them in the yard along with their poo.
Teresa tells Joe that she was a real lady at the shindig, calling those present, “honey,” and sipping her Champagne instead of slurping it through a straw. She tells him what Danielle said about the foreclosure, he looks off and she blinks at him like she’s having an epileptic fit. I kid you not, it took me a solid two minutes to get a screen grab of her with her eyes open. It was surreal like when she kissy faced the air at the hospital earlier in the season.
Bbbbbbut, Joe. I got bubbies and everything. We can’t be in fuhfuhfuhclosure.
She coins a new word in interviews. Re-renovated. She said that Danielle had no right to say anything about the onyx Shateau when her house is in disrepair and in dire need of being re-renovated.
Where are the teachers that gave this woman passing grades? I would love to ask them a few questions but they’ve no doubt got their hands full corralling the new students onto the short bus in Patterson.
She then says that Danielle’s house smells like dawg. I’ll take that over depilatory any day. The scene ends with her doing the running man and then asking juicy if she did good harassing a woman to tears and then eluding arrest. They kiss and the camera man loses his boner for the next fifteen years.
Add that to the list of stuff they owe people.
Jacqueline is in the parking lot at Posche. I’m not sure why, but the store lights are out so I assume that these women close down boutiques like I used to close down nightclubs back in the day. I hope she does a better job of keeping an eye on her house keys and sobriety than I did. Good luck with that. I hear that Kim has a keg under the counter and a tab at the local State Store.
Danielle’s energist calls Jackie as she’s getting into her car, telling her that she’s the “personal trainer for Danielle’s spirit.”
Click. Or “beep,” these days.
That blathering bullshit would have made me hang up immediately. Not Jackie. She decides to fuck with her. When Sarai asks to meet with her she asks her how long she’s known Danielle. Sarai won’t fess up to the two weeks, preferring to tell Jacqueline that she doesn’t speak of her clients. Once again, Click.
More mumbo jumbo follows and I could give a shit. This energist is clearly trying to drum up more business or she’s just plain cuckoo because she wants to clear up Jackie’s negative energy over the phone. Huh? How does she know you’re not picking your nose or thinking up words that rhyme with ‘charlatan?’ News flash- I couldn’t comeup with any.
Jackie says fine and then proceeds to play video games on her phone while the nice crazy lady sends her good vibes.
I’m teaching my daughter to be respectful right at this very moment!
I want to vomit every time I hear someone say something similar to what this chick says to Jacqueline. God had a message for her to deliver, and it was a message of peace. Ri-ight. God speaks through a pretentious asshole that hangs out with con-artists in Bergen County. We’re going to Hell, Gasmii! I’ll bring the ice!
I prefer my peace in a bottle or packaged in a pair of butt hugging shorts on Mr. McSlore. The day I start giving my hard earned joorey money to one of these shady crystal pushers is the day God takes away my oral skills, and not a moment sooner. Amen.
Another great moment in moronic history. Teresa is showing off her other skill- making lame sex banter while mangling the English language. She’s bending over the pool table trying to tempt Juicy with her FABULOUS cleavelage. Not a typo. I guess the old adage that there’s someone for everyone is true because he’s getting all hot and bothered.
Well, it does kinda look like a butt.
He is a self proclaimed ‘ass man,’ after all. He even married one.
I think that the Manzo’s are becoming the palate cleanse of this show. Their problems seem innocent in comparison to the shady lives of their castmates.
Albie is talking with his parents to tell them how the meeting with the lawyer went. If he doesn’t get that letter from Seton Hall, he’s screwed. Uh oh. I sure hope that Caroline doesn’t have to pull out the crocodile tears again. I don’t know if Miss Andy’s delicate constitution can handle the fall-out at the reunion.
I do like the analogy she makes about this fight being a test of his mettle and a chance to show that he can win just like a real attorney with a real degree would. It would be even more awesome if he were actually doing the fighting instead of the nice lady attorney in town doing it for him, but I’m just splitting hairs here. Albie’s his mother’s son, he’s not a pussy! Caroline tells him that she’s there for him,whatever it takes.
You know how people get into fender benders where the car that hit them is going five miles an hour, the scratch on their car isn’t visible to the naked eye, yet they rack up thousands of dollars in chiropractor bills and sue the insurance company for triple damages? It’s a scam and one very similar to the one Danielle is trying on for size.
She’s meeting with Eve for water and cheese smothered french fries. The way she eats reminds me of Mallard Mouth from Orange County. She places morsels of potato in her mouth as if it were an event foreign to her, like changing a tire or contributing more to society than the ability to enjoy anal with really ugly men.
Her neck hurts. She’s considering suing Ashley’s step father’s bank account because she can’t go down on Danny without taking twice the recommended dosage of advil and crank. Plus, Ashley posted on facebook that the evening was “unbe-weavable” and Jacqueline, I mean she must be punished!
Sure, you delicate flower. Dainty chicks like you pierce their nethers and get twitchy when they go more than 24 hours without cock. You’re practically Victorian in your sensibilities. She tells Eve that it is her civic duty to press charges. It’s for Ashley’s own good. She’s in essence doing Ashley a favor since she might learn a lesson from all this.
Like don’t stick foreign substances in your face. Case in point.
I have a question. Why is everyone’s house decorated in one color scheme- wine and gold? Are they fans of the old Cavs jerseys, or is this another case of having watched too many old Gladiator movies? It’s like their homes were one giant golden goblet of Chianti.
The Laurita living room is no exception, and Jackie is lecturing Ashley from her overstuffed chair on the dangers of getting physical with shakedown artists. Ashley doesn’t hear anything except that she’s the bad guy and if they aren’t kissing her ass for being a spoiled brat that does no wrong, even when she clearly has done wrong, why they are choosing the evil Danielle over her!
And if I hide under all these pillows, they’ll forget I’m even here!
She doesn’t get it. She put her hands on someone. Why? Because this someone said that her arms were fat. She says that she had every right to do that, she can do whatever she wants to her. That, my friends, is insane. And a pretty cut and dry case of poor parenting.
Since we all know that Jackie, the mocker of energists, can’t get through to her, Chris gets called in to put the situation into terms that she might understand. Since Ashley keeps insisting that she’s grown up and has the right to do as she chooses, who is going to take care of this mess for her? Who is going to hire the attorney and go to court with her? Old Silent Derek, the ineffectual? I figured he was locked up in Juicy’s basement with Nona and Papa by now.
She stops looking smug for a second and says, “not you guys.” Is it too late for boot camp? She’s as grown up and mature as your average Furry (I apologise to all you Furries out there) or her mom. That’s right. Mommy Jacqueline tells her to take the unbe-weavable comment down off of Facebook, even though she laughed at it when Ashley showed it to her. Ashley calls her two faced. MORON.
Only half moron, really. I bet she gets away with that shit all the time but since it’s on camera she’s about to get schooled. Chris tells her that she’s going to be out on her ass if she mouths off one more time. I really hope he backs his words with actions. I like the idea of making consequences clear but is it too late when the bad kid is 19? Being a stepdad sucks sometimes. You can’t win for losing.
You should have become Father Christopher Laurita. Altar boys don’t talk back, especially with their mouths full.
He looked like a priest there for a minute, didn’t he? Weird.
Maybe she should go live her life on her own and figure it out for herself. She sure isn’t learning anything second hand. She picks at her nails as he forbids her to communicate with Danielle any further. I hope that she does. She’s such a stupid brat that she probably ran upstairs, logged onto Facebook and did just that. That’ll show ‘em!
What a waste of a decent parking space. To paraphrase Doug Stanhope, every time you find yourself swearing at your steering wheel because you’re late to an appointment due to the lack of free meters in a world overpopulated with imbeciles, place the blame firmly at the feet of people like Jacqueline that didn’t have the common sense to call the abortion clinic. If you do find a really nice space, you can thank me. I did, and I kept the appointment.
Love and Kisses,