Previously, Theresa found a hat that shrunk her monkey forehead even more…
…we met Teresa’s nasty bitch of a sister in law, Gorgaoyle,
After lots of surgeries her rich gay midget husband bought her.
Pre Gay Midget surgeries
…and a brawl broke out at a Christening after Midget Joe had a temper tantrum and refused to eat his apple sauce.
If you can’t eat your dinner like a good boy, you’re going back on the tit. And we all know you don’t want that.
This week opens with scary organ music, which means it’s either Halloween in Jersey or Juicy Joe’s about to take off his shirt again.
Be Ware [sic Jersey spelling]: Giant Hairy Man Jugs on the loose
Wait. We’re at Jacqueline’s house. Why is Caroline hanging from the front patio?!? Who beheaded Caroline?!?!
Poor C. All she ever wanted was to be with fambly.
Teresa, Jacqu, and Caroline are carving pumkins. Caroline takes a moment to instruct the children on how to take care of your husband’s colon after you force him to eat a Southern Style Paula Deen feast.
Some chick named Dolores is over, and to get the convo off of the Fambly Colonic tutorial, she asks Ter what the f happened at the Christening. Dolores would have been there herself, but she was busy begging God to give her skin cancer at some tanning salon.
If Beyonce was made out of fried chicken.
Ter stutters a little bit, obviously not wanting to talk about this. She makes sure to ask what everyone’s heard first, so she doesn’t get caught lying about anything. They know better, so they don’t say. She takes a breath and actually starts relaying the truth. She double congratulated the couple, Midget Joe told her to f off, and she walked away. She omitted the part where she wouldn’t leave and kept muttering “ah ya kiddin me right now?” over and over again, but all in all, I’m impressed with her recall. She sums it up like every Housewife in history sums up relationship trouble: They’uh just jealous! Who doesn’t want eleven million dollars of debt erased and a fat ex goomba hubby who flips pizzas for a living? Sign me up! The story is interrupted by the baby shitting itself out a new outfit.
Ter is “in da middle of a deep conversation”, so she tries to hand the shit baby off to Juicy. He’s eating, so Chris gets stuck doing it. Sad horns. Poor Chris. Ter continues the story, starting with the part where Midget Joe is banging on the table. Cut to the kitchen, where Juicy is telling the same story. “And den I see this fidget comin’ at me.” HAHAHA! He just called Midge a fucking midget. I love it. These people may not know English, but their urbandictionary.com knowledge is untouchable.
Teresa says that Juicy now wants to murder Midge, but Caroline’s just worried about what the kids saw. Um, you just showed Milania how to fist a pumpkin and now you’re worried about the End of Innocence? Whatever scars those kids got at the Christening, you just completely replaced with bigger ones. Something tells me that Jacqui’s not buying this crap.
Options: Kiss Teresa’s ass or strike out on my own and develop a personality worth filming.
Caroline starts lecture shouting about making it work with fambly and getting rid of colon polyps and stuff. She’s worried that the big fashion show coming up at the Brownstone is gonna be ruined because of this drama. You know it’s a serious fashion even cuz Jacqueline and Teresa are in it. I predict spandex mini skirts and glitter. And zero sales.
Ter doesn’t take Caroline’s advice too well, and tells us that SHE’S the matriarch of her own damn family. I sense some good drama coming from this, and I can’t wait. Caroline V Teresa. I’m putting my money on horse face. I guess I should be more specific, but I don’t like losing bets.
Kathy’s cooking and begging her weirdo husband Rich to get the hell away from her cuz he won’t stop talking. Love it. The doorbell rings and it’s Melissa Gorgaoyle and Midget Joe! Kathy wants them to have a shoulder to cry on after the traumatic Christening. In other words, she wants to talk shit about Teresa. She could have just said that in the evite, but it would be rude and if this cast has one thing, it’s manners.
Midge, at first glance, isn’t coked up tonight and he’s wearing a shirt. Just leave if you’re not gonna contribute, Midge! Rich is the one to start digging for dirt. Gorgaoyle doesn’t want to talk about it, but he keeps prodding her and it doesn’t take much. I wish he would start with the question that’s on all of our minds: Why is Gorgaoyle sneaking into the JewDice’s home and stealing Milania’s clothes?
Kathy wants a rundown of what happened. She’s an unabashed busybody, and I expect her to solve a lot of mysteries as the season goes on. As SlifeGoesOn commented on last week’s recap, “Kathy on her bike looked like Jessica Fletcher riding through Cabot Cove.” So. TRUE.
And here she is the next week solving shit. I love me some old wimmin gettin’ to the bottom of things, but I wouldn’t want to be one of her friends or neighbors. Cuz one of them dies every week. I find Kathy’s crazy eyes comforting, and now I know why.
Melissa says “The bottom line was” Teresa dancing with her son for an hour. Well, ok. That was creepy. A baby on the dance floor for a minute is cute, but an hour? That’s downright dangerous. Glad your baby just got baptized before it was sandwiched in between and Juicy’s man cans and the loud squealing lady with a tiny forehead and giant lizard eyes for an hour.
Any parent would be a little worried. But was Gorgaoyle really standing up for her kid by leaving it alone with those two for an HOUR? That’s child abuse. Melissa allowed it because it was a special day so if Teresa wanted to play fakey bake for awhile that was ok. Kathy agrees that when dealing with crazy people it’s good to give in a little and not pull out your stun gun right away. We’ve got eighteenish episodes. Relax! Wonder at the simple beauty of the bruschetta construction.
Please. No need to upset a perfect occasion. How do you pronounce basil? I say “bay-zil”, but Rich says “baaahsul”. Let’s call the whole thing off, ammIright?
Rich is comfortable relaxing and eating with the raging Midge knowing that he has a good home alarm company to call if things get nutz.
Midge tries to get to second base. And who can blame him?
Melissa tells us that she was completely ignored at Teresa’s kid’s christening but knew her place. This means that she just sat in the back, didn’t say a word or even get on the dance floor. Shots of Kathy and Melissa stuck at a table in the back and not happy to be there. LOL. I think if my sister in law came to my kid’s christening and didn’t speak to me or dance at my party, I’d probably ignore the bitch, too. Siding with Teresa. You’ve brought this show to a new low, Mel.
Mel continues “Teresa didn’t know her place” at the christening. That is not the way you talk about fambly. Maids who try on your wigs when you’re not home? Yes. Whole Foods workers that snicker at your mac and cheese and chocolate chip cookie purchase? Yes. Gardeners who pee on your toilet seat and call you mean names in Spanish? Yes. But Teresa deserves respect, dammit!
Basically, Melissa hates Teresa and Teresa hates Melissa. I agree with both of them. As she tells the story, she looks super upset by it all.
Teresa came up behind them with her nasally squeal, and Midge had a couple a thimbles of Jack in him, and he doesn’t like fake stuff. Unless you count platform shoes or spray on hair or saline sacks for the wife. Midge warned Teresa. He told her to walk away, and he gave her like five different raging fidgety roidy crazy eyes.
Wait. Where’d you hide the gold?
Is there someone behind me? Do I have something in my teeth? WHAT?
She just. Doesn’t. GET ME! WAAAAHHHH!
Ter refused to just go away, and retelling the story has the Gorgaoyles all worked up. Rich sits back, lets his beautiful hairy breasts get some air, and enjoys the show.
Am I the only one with a boner?
In private time, Kathy says sure, Midge could have handled his rage issues a little better, but he was super angry cuz he’s up to here.
Why did Midge snap like dat? Why, it’s the oldest story in the book. His heart hurt! HE WAS FEEEELING! He’s very Boys 2 Men right now.
Let me guess. You’re at the end of the road.
Midge has a giant heart, and he’s very hurt by the way Juicy has poisoned his father’s brain and turned him against Midge. Wah. I don’t doubt that your father feels a great surge of general remorse towards ya, but parents detest their children for lots of reasons. Stupidity. Irresponsibility. Body waxing.
Flashbacks to the fight. Midge charging around the banquet hall to rage at his dad, Juicy standing outside threatening to “fuckin crack his shit” while his kid asks him to stop. “Shut up!” You can say a lot about Juicy, but you have to admit he’s a good dad. Why, look at him here with a stroller. Tell me your heart’s not melting.
Midget crying to daddy that Juicy’s gahbage. Back to the dinner. Midge is going off about how Juicy has been verbally abusing him for nine years. LOL. Verbal abuse. OWIE. Grow a pair, Teeny. Sticks and stones and all that. Rich tries to diffuse Midge, but this just gets him more vein poppy and table poundy. “Why knock me down? WHY?!?” It’s human instinct to want to knock things down if they’re smaller than you. It’s nature.
Rich giggles a bit at the nonsensical ape rage and verbally pats Midge on the head. Shhhhh. There, there. You’re a big boy! Everyone knows it! Shhhhhhhhhhh. This inflames Midge even more and Melissa scream/laughs. Watching your husband beat up friends’ dining room tables while screaming about his daddy issues is so hot.
Rich and Kathy think it’s sad that Teresa built her brother up so much all the time in the old days. She loved him and constantly bragged about him and that just made her jealous husband feel like he had to beat the little guy down. So loving and being proud of your brother is bad. Got that? Midge says that Teresa’s the one who ruined his relationship with Juicy. And Juicy ruined his relationship with Daddy Midge. People are always ruining it for the little guy. Wah. Wah. Waaaa.
Rich wants to talk about how all this can get solved. Maybe Midge and Teresa could have lunch? I feel sorry for the tables that will be there. That’s not a pair you want around tables. There’s no way Midge will meet Teresa for lunch. But wait! The big important fashion show is coming up! How is Melissa supposed to act around Teresa?!? Um…say hi? NO! THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE! Why do Kathy and Rich hang out with these douchebags? They need to be at a key party somewhere enjoying their life and not meddling with rotten kids.
Who’s got the Mazda?
Melissa and Kathy go check out the clothes at the store that’s having the fashion show. The lesson of the scene is: if you can’t afford plastic surgery? Don’t get it. Sales are great! Just not face sales. Cheap doctors are breeding a new race of Zombie Trannies. Don’t be one of them.
Zombie Tranny assures them that they’ve got bombshell dresses for Mel and mommyish dresses for Kathy. How fucking rude. Kathy wants some mom jeans, but Zombie Tranny don’t play that. Meh, we’ll find you a scarf later honey. For now let’s watch Melissa in her Pretty Woman shopping montage. It’s amazing when you can make every single dress in that place look trashy. That’s talent! Will she consider modeling at the fashion show?!?! How weird would that be, if a Real Housewife happened to model at the same fashion show as other Real Housewives? Tranny Zombie’s working with what she’s got: a pack of hormonal d list nut jobs from a TV show and a face that looks like a skin mask from Chainsaw Massacre.
Mel’s NEVAH walked a runway, but she’s watched plenty of Toddlers and Tiaras, so she knows how to open her mouth really wide and look like a slut.
Kim G shows up at the store! HAHAHAH! Boozy New Orleans music is playing. She’s just stopping by to give Zombie Tranny the number of a decent doctor. Did great on Kim’s face! She looks like Jessica Lange! The current one, not the one from the Patsy Cline movie. Kim is, fittingly, wearing a clown collar.
Kim, Kathy and Mel have never met, so Kim starts off with hugs and compliments. HAH no she doesn’t. She cuts straight to the chase: “what happened with you?” HAHAHAH! I LOVE KIM! What an asshole. Mel knows Kim’s a force from gossip around town (and a subscription to Bravo), but she opens up to her anyway and says the Christening was nice at first but ended with a bang. Kim presses her about the physical violence and the exploding midgets and the squealing lizard Neanderthals, then she goes off on how Teresa calls her an old lady but it’s only cuz she’s hot and Teresa’s got a fat crooked ass. HAHAHAH! Kathy and Melissa are mortified by her rudeness. Kim G can make anyone look like a proper lady.
Kim G says that Teresa doesn’t know who she’s messin wit! Um, Kim? You’re a C player. No one’s messing with you. Thanks for stopping by for the free airtime, though! Please put the purse back on your way out. Kim? Kim come back here. OK she just stole the purse. Call the police. Again.
Caroline has been abandoned by her beautiful angelic sons, so she figures she’ll go see that other thing she popped out of her. Lauren’s got her own Makeup Parlor now. It’s called Third Best, and it features her line of products. Atta girl! Who says only lead characters can use Bravo to peddle their cheap line of whatever the kids in China are churning out these days? Caroline tells Lauren she’s proud of her, but it’s in that “don’t fuck this up or your father and I will change our number and forget we actually went through with having you” kind of a way.
Lauren does her mom’s makeup and they gossip about the upcoming drama at the fashion show. I was kind of enjoying the awkward mom/kid stuff, but ok. Caroline missed last year’s show, and she was glad. I wouldn’t be! That’s when Jaqueline’s mistake yanked out part of Danielle’s weave! Caroline was so unhappy with all that drama that this year she decided to host it and get her family involved. Makes perfect sense to me. She is giving herself the opportunity to wave her finger at people and tell them to grow up and respect their fambly, and she’s giving New Jersey the opportunity to buy more hideous clothes. Win/win!
Halloween! Mel and Midge take their kids trick or treating, and Midge is completely checked out. The guy doesn’t speak unless he’s got an issue to cry about. Meanwhile, Teresa is dressed as some kind of super hero that can shatter ear drums with her whine and spend eleven million dollars of other people’s money faster than a speeding train.
Gia just turns to the camera and gives us some deadpan. Hilarious.
I’m totally adoptable. Please. Anyone.
Over at the Gorgaoyle’s, Melissa’s going the skinny girl route and wearing something tight. Midge is in one of the dresses they stole from Milania. I’ll wait for you all to recover from the shock.
Melissa’s not pleased to be with a dude in a dress, but she doesn’t say anything cuz she doesn’t wanna make him cry. She even laughs it off as he primps and preens in front of the mirror, completely believing that he looks beautiful. Warning signs are important in a marriage. One minute it’s a hooker dress and the next it’s an inverted penis. Time flies. Put your foot down. Mel laughs that he looks like Teresa, which leads to him crying at himself in the mirror and cooing “you da best brotha in world, baby” in between makeout sessions with the back of his elbow. This is uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, look who’s going as Uncle Midge!
Adriana’s Sue Sylvester. HAHAHAHAHAH!
Teresa doesn’t live in a house, ok? She lives on an ESTATE. So the houses are too far apart to make the kids walk. Plus, the neighbors will probably spit into their trick or treat bags and chase them away with baseball bats considering they’re baby JewDices. Lazy ass Joe found yet another excuse to spend a night in a bathrobe and a wife beater.
Point is, they’re staying in. Catwoman and Draggy Midge greet Kathy and Rich and Midge is still sobbing and making out with his elbow.
Zombie Tranny was invited to hang with Melissa, and she brings along others from the Zombie Tranny army and Kim G, who must feel awesome that she showed up in the low rent jiggly chicken skin version of Melissa’s costume. Strike one, Melissa!
Kathy’s not into the two Kims and knows this is gonna be trouble. They go to a juice head Jersey bar, and Mel giggles about how hot her husband is. She laughs as he bones her butt….
…and she’s still giggling when he bends over and asks for a turn.
He’s so cute. All he asked for for Christmas was something called “adickinmamouth”. I don’t know what that is so I’m getting him wax.
Kathy is dressed as an Avatar. HAHAH.
The girls gossip about what Melissa’s gonna say to Teresa at the fashion show, and Kathy says that she wants to broker a peace deal that will move Teresa’s hairline to the 1976 borders. Melissa just laughs and tells Kathy to watch out for flying tables. Meanwhile, Midge leaves the ladies to remove his heels and take a load off.
It was so cute when he went to the bathroom for forty five minutes and came out limping. AWWWW!
Night of the fashion show. Albert’s at the Brownstone shouting and cursing at employees. Chris wimped out on his job, so Albert’s pulling extra weight. Doing Chris’ share of the work must be really hard. Have you tried sitting still without a TV or a pizza for a few hours in a row? IT’S HELL.
Jacqui meets Teresa at her place for a pre-buzz and butters her up by complimenting her fat crooked ass. Teresa tells her that Melissa’s walking tonight, too, and Teresa is being nice about it and she has no problem talking to Melissa. Jacqui doesn’t buy it, but she’s not getting out of this so she starts nerve bingeing and tries to keep a straight face as Teresa claims that she never starts any drama. The best part of this is that Teresa seems to believe herself.
Melissa and Kathy are getting their hair done, and Kathy’s trying to get a game plan together on how to deal with Melissa. She wants an apology. Hold your breath. Kathy, expert shit stirrer, repeats that the kids were in danger and she wants to talk to Teresa too. Melissa looks psyched. Teresa is telling Jacqus that a fashion show isn’t a place for an embarrassing family brawl. Unless that fashion show happens to be in some sort of church.
Mel and Kathy are already at the venue when Teresa and Jacqueline arrive. Teresa goes right up to them and says hi and gives kisses, and Melissa is totally offended by the rudeness of not instigating a fight in the first five minutes. Teresa cooly says that she’s not fazed by Melissa. “Do I look fazed?” No. You do, however, look. Which means this will get good. One of the best things Jesus ever did for the world, among many great things, was to popularize wine.
Caroline shows up. She’s excited to see her daughter under pressure, and wastes no time in telling her how to do her job in a way that won’t disappoint the fambly. Then she walks over to Melissa and gives her a kiss and a warm hello. Now Teresa looks fazed. She starts whining “CAROLIIIINE!” really loudly, but C ignores her and says hi to Kathy. Teresa is confident that no matter how much Mel and Kathy kiss ass, C will always like her best. So confident that she’s till whine/yelling “CAROLIIIINE!” as Caroline leaves the room without saying hi. HAHAHAH!!
After a mini scene with Jaqueline complaining that she wants to have a hotter body, we’re back. The fashion show will start after the models eat. Who feeds models? It’s like putting quarters into a gas tank. Waste of money. Melissa joins her “wooooo!”ing sorority girl table, and then Teresa and Jacqui sit at a non “wooooo!”ing old people table. They keep looking over at Melissa, and witch sister Lisa is there, of course, shit talking them. It looks like there are just gonna be a lot of dirty looks and no confrontation. Enter Kim G. YAAAY!
She waddles right up to the sorority girl table and “woooo!”s. So embarrassing. For dignified older women. And humanity. Teresa’s pissed that Kim G’s talking to Melissa. Caroline and Jacqus try to make her focus on her own table, but she can’t stop looking over at the sorority table.
Do I look fazed yet?
As Kim G digs for dirt from Melissa, Zombie Tranny listens to Teresa snark “why is she hanging out with Kim G? Isn’t she, like, 70?” HAHAH. Teresa is nothing if not dependable. Caroline is only a few years younger than Kim and gets miffed at being called old lady. That’s easily solvable. Just start sitting next to people who look a hundred and you’ll always be younger.
See? My advice always works.
Caroline says she’s 49. Times what? Sorry but no. You’re pushing sixty if you’re a day and you look damn goo…presentable. Don’t front. You’re happy, you’re rich-ish, and you’ve got a place so exclusive that even Janet Jackson wants to wait tables there.
Teresa goes to get ready, and Kathy swoops in on her table to butter up Caroline. Caroline says Teresa is fambly so she’s not interested in crazy eyes Fletcher over there and her mystery solving. The show starts and it’s pretty much what you’d think a fashion show in Jersey would be like. Spandex mini skirts and glitter. I had high expectations and you pulled through, Zombie Tranny! Jacqueline is shy on the runway, but Melissa works it like a true professional…hooah. She’s bouncy, assy, and boobly like a true working girl, and says she feels like a peacock. Really? Cuz you look like a swan whore that dropped a litter and didn’t have enough money to get your stomach skin tightened back up. Come one, Zombie Tranny! This girl has a good body and you can’t even tailor your cheap ass dress for your own show?
The sorority girls are standing and wooing, so Zombie Tranny lets Melissa walk again. This time, she dances on the runway and squats until subway tokens pop out of her hoo haw. She’s a bitch, but she’s a talented bitch. Kim G says she wants to boo Teresa. My dream for the season is for someone to punch Kim G. And now, for the Black Swan.
Someone’s gonna end up cutting themselves.
Caroline says Teresa’s modeling was too forced. She wasn’t “smiling from the inside out” like she normally is.
You guys, Caroline and Teresa are gonna go AT IT. I. Can’t. WAIT. Caroline continues that everyone at the room was looking at Teresa critically because of the money rumors and the attempted baby murder on the Christening dance floor and she feels bad for the girl. What better way to show your support for a friend than to bring up her money problems again on TV? She’s over her, and I’m already excited for the first “You’uh gahbage!” out of her mouth. After the show, Caroline nods her head like an embarrassed parent after her kid fell in the dance recital.
Teresa is getting press pics taken with Mel’s mom after the show, which pisses her off. She wants to go say hi to her mom, but her witch sisters say the old lady should be the one to have to make an effort. They remind me of the sisters in The Fighter.
Mel goes to say hi to her mom and Juicy’s mom, who looks just like a woman who’s named after a type of dough should look.
Jacqui compliments Teresa for not acting like an animal, but she knows some shit’s gonna go down any minute. As if to assure her that she’s right, Teresa orders another drink. Kathy pulls Ter aside and asks what happened at the Christening. Teresa is immediately on the defensive and says “what’d I do? My brotha did it!” She’s not having Kathy’s meddling, so Kathy raises her voice and says that everyone has problems but they don’t air them in a public venue. Like a fashion show? Teresa tells her to butt out. They’re shouting at each other, and Teresa asks why, if she cared so much, didn’t she stick around to throw a few punches? Well, Kathy has kids to worry about! She was taking care of an abandoned Adriana while Teresa was inciting riots. The allegation of child endangerment sets Teresa off, and she points and shouts at Kathy, then gets her hand in her face and shouts “I’m done (acting like a civilized human being)!” YAY! Remember when Teresa almost had us believing she could cry?
She’s getting that shaky face thing now, and she stalks out of the room and back to the party to yell at her mom about Kathy’s child abandonment allegation. Those poor parents sure get yelled at by their kids a lot. Caroline tries to stop her from yelling at her moms, but Teresa won’t stop. Her mom walks over to Kathy and tells her chee eez talking to her cousin! Chee should be ashame of herselfa! Let’s just have moms fight the wars and bring our troops home. They’ll get that shit solved within one potluck.
Caroline starts baby talking Mama JewDice and telling her she wants this to be a fun night so go to the bar. Meanwhile, behind her, Teresa is whine yelling and randomly pointing her finger in the air while shouting “Thanks, Kathy!” HAHAHA. Teresa was trying the softer, gentler act out for a bit but she just couldn’t do it. Thank God. And I mean that, God.
Now do I look fazed?
Mel, totally innocent in all this of course, says that the fighting and yelling needs to just stop. Teresa grabs a chair and shouts “isn’t that what your husband’s always doing?!?” A. Yes, but he also built her a giant spec house to live in, and B. Please throw that chair.
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Teresa’s losing her shit the way she does when she knows she’s wrong. We saw Kathy taking her kid outta there, didn’t we? And we saw those kids unattended. Teresa is so uncomfortable being a sociopath that she forgets there are cameras everywhere. The consistency is commendable in a sick way.
Well at least they didn’t leave us in the car again.
Mel says she doesn’t wanna talk about it here. Kathy says she was just trying to be nice and she shouldn’t have brought it up because arguing with an idiot means “you’re an idiot. So let’s leave it at that.” LOL, Melissa! Did you forget the part where you were getting your hair done and egging her on to do your dirty work for you? Caroline marches right up to them, her silver dipped earrings swinging back and forth, telling them that they’re fambly and they should take their crap out on each other in the privacy of their own spec homes and leave her business out of it. Caroline’s yelling at everyone for Teresa’s behavior except Teresa. Don’t worry, though, I’m sure her turn’s right around the corner. When she’s done finger pointing and disapproving, Caroline makes scrunchy face and tells Mel to fix it. Then, she kicks her and her crew of sorority bitches outta there. Go, Caroline! She had a decent party, a fight, and she got to lecture someone!
Next week, everyone tells each other off again. See you there! Oh, and if you like to mess around on facebook, I just started a page over there for some Housewives raggin’. The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recaps on TVgasm.com
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