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Tuesday, May 24, 2011
8:50 am
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Tagged: bravo, flipit, real housewives of new jersey, recap, spoof, teresa guidice, TV, tvgasm
Previously, Theresa found a hat that shrunk her monkey forehead even more…
…we met Teresa’s nasty bitch of a sister in law, Gorgaoyle,
After lots of surgeries her rich gay midget husband bought her.
Pre Gay Midget surgeries
…and a brawl broke out at a Christening after Midget Joe had a temper tantrum and refused to eat his apple sauce.
If you can’t eat your dinner like a good boy, you’re going back on the tit. And we all know you don’t want that.
This week opens with scary organ music, which means it’s either Halloween in Jersey or Juicy Joe’s about to take off his shirt again.
Be Ware [sic Jersey spelling]: Giant Hairy Man Jugs on the loose
Wait. We’re at Jacqueline’s house. Why is Caroline hanging from the front patio?!? Who beheaded Caroline?!?!
Poor C. All she ever wanted was to be with fambly.
Teresa, Jacqu, and Caroline are carving pumkins. Caroline takes a moment to instruct the children on how to take care of your husband’s colon after you force him to eat a Southern Style Paula Deen feast.
TMI
Some chick named Dolores is over, and to get the convo off of the Fambly Colonic tutorial, she asks Ter what the f happened at the Christening. Dolores would have been there herself, but she was busy begging God to give her skin cancer at some tanning salon.
If Beyonce was made out of fried chicken.
Ter stutters a little bit, obviously not wanting to talk about this. She makes sure to ask what everyone’s heard first, so she doesn’t get caught lying about anything. They know better, so they don’t say. She takes a breath and actually starts relaying the truth. She double congratulated the couple, Midget Joe told her to f off, and she walked away. She omitted the part where she wouldn’t leave and kept muttering “ah ya kiddin me right now?” over and over again, but all in all, I’m impressed with her recall. She sums it up like every Housewife in history sums up relationship trouble: They’uh just jealous! Who doesn’t want eleven million dollars of debt erased and a fat ex goomba hubby who flips pizzas for a living? Sign me up! The story is interrupted by the baby shitting itself out a new outfit.
Ter is “in da middle of a deep conversation”, so she tries to hand the shit baby off to Juicy. He’s eating, so Chris gets stuck doing it. Sad horns. Poor Chris. Ter continues the story, starting with the part where Midget Joe is banging on the table. Cut to the kitchen, where Juicy is telling the same story. “And den I see this fidget comin’ at me.” HAHAHA! He just called Midge a fucking midget. I love it. These people may not know English, but their urbandictionary.com knowledge is untouchable.
Teresa says that Juicy now wants to murder Midge, but Caroline’s just worried about what the kids saw. Um, you just showed Milania how to fist a pumpkin and now you’re worried about the End of Innocence? Whatever scars those kids got at the Christening, you just completely replaced with bigger ones. Something tells me that Jacqui’s not buying this crap.
Options: Kiss Teresa’s ass or strike out on my own and develop a personality worth filming.
Caroline starts lecture shouting about making it work with fambly and getting rid of colon polyps and stuff. She’s worried that the big fashion show coming up at the Brownstone is gonna be ruined because of this drama. You know it’s a serious fashion even cuz Jacqueline and Teresa are in it. I predict spandex mini skirts and glitter. And zero sales.
Ter doesn’t take Caroline’s advice too well, and tells us that SHE’S the matriarch of her own damn family. I sense some good drama coming from this, and I can’t wait. Caroline V Teresa. I’m putting my money on horse face. I guess I should be more specific, but I don’t like losing bets.
Kathy’s cooking and begging her weirdo husband Rich to get the hell away from her cuz he won’t stop talking. Love it. The doorbell rings and it’s Melissa Gorgaoyle and Midget Joe! Kathy wants them to have a shoulder to cry on after the traumatic Christening. In other words, she wants to talk shit about Teresa. She could have just said that in the evite, but it would be rude and if this cast has one thing, it’s manners.
Midge, at first glance, isn’t coked up tonight and he’s wearing a shirt. Just leave if you’re not gonna contribute, Midge! Rich is the one to start digging for dirt. Gorgaoyle doesn’t want to talk about it, but he keeps prodding her and it doesn’t take much. I wish he would start with the question that’s on all of our minds: Why is Gorgaoyle sneaking into the JewDice’s home and stealing Milania’s clothes?
Failania
Kathy wants a rundown of what happened. She’s an unabashed busybody, and I expect her to solve a lot of mysteries as the season goes on. As SlifeGoesOn commented on last week’s recap, “Kathy on her bike looked like Jessica Fletcher riding through Cabot Cove.” So. TRUE.
And here she is the next week solving shit. I love me some old wimmin gettin’ to the bottom of things, but I wouldn’t want to be one of her friends or neighbors. Cuz one of them dies every week. I find Kathy’s crazy eyes comforting, and now I know why.
Melissa says “The bottom line was” Teresa dancing with her son for an hour. Well, ok. That was creepy. A baby on the dance floor for a minute is cute, but an hour? That’s downright dangerous. Glad your baby just got baptized before it was sandwiched in between and Juicy’s man cans and the loud squealing lady with a tiny forehead and giant lizard eyes for an hour.
Any parent would be a little worried. But was Gorgaoyle really standing up for her kid by leaving it alone with those two for an HOUR? That’s child abuse. Melissa allowed it because it was a special day so if Teresa wanted to play fakey bake for awhile that was ok. Kathy agrees that when dealing with crazy people it’s good to give in a little and not pull out your stun gun right away. We’ve got eighteenish episodes. Relax! Wonder at the simple beauty of the bruschetta construction.
Please. No need to upset a perfect occasion. How do you pronounce basil? I say “bay-zil”, but Rich says “baaahsul”. Let’s call the whole thing off, ammIright?
Rich is comfortable relaxing and eating with the raging Midge knowing that he has a good home alarm company to call if things get nutz.
Midge tries to get to second base. And who can blame him?
Melissa tells us that she was completely ignored at Teresa’s kid’s christening but knew her place. This means that she just sat in the back, didn’t say a word or even get on the dance floor. Shots of Kathy and Melissa stuck at a table in the back and not happy to be there. LOL. I think if my sister in law came to my kid’s christening and didn’t speak to me or dance at my party, I’d probably ignore the bitch, too. Siding with Teresa. You’ve brought this show to a new low, Mel.
Mel continues “Teresa didn’t know her place” at the christening. That is not the way you talk about fambly. Maids who try on your wigs when you’re not home? Yes. Whole Foods workers that snicker at your mac and cheese and chocolate chip cookie purchase? Yes. Gardeners who pee on your toilet seat and call you mean names in Spanish? Yes. But Teresa deserves respect, dammit!
Just kidding!
Basically, Melissa hates Teresa and Teresa hates Melissa. I agree with both of them. As she tells the story, she looks super upset by it all.
Teresa came up behind them with her nasally squeal, and Midge had a couple a thimbles of Jack in him, and he doesn’t like fake stuff. Unless you count platform shoes or spray on hair or saline sacks for the wife. Midge warned Teresa. He told her to walk away, and he gave her like five different raging fidgety roidy crazy eyes.
Wait. Where’d you hide the gold?
Is there someone behind me? Do I have something in my teeth? WHAT?
She just. Doesn’t. GET ME! WAAAAHHHH!
Ter refused to just go away, and retelling the story has the Gorgaoyles all worked up. Rich sits back, lets his beautiful hairy breasts get some air, and enjoys the show.
Am I the only one with a boner?
In private time, Kathy says sure, Midge could have handled his rage issues a little better, but he was super angry cuz he’s up to here.
Literally.
Why did Midge snap like dat? Why, it’s the oldest story in the book. His heart hurt! HE WAS FEEEELING! He’s very Boys 2 Men right now.
Let me guess. You’re at the end of the road.
Midge has a giant heart, and he’s very hurt by the way Juicy has poisoned his father’s brain and turned him against Midge. Wah. I don’t doubt that your father feels a great surge of general remorse towards ya, but parents detest their children for lots of reasons. Stupidity. Irresponsibility. Body waxing.
Flashbacks to the fight. Midge charging around the banquet hall to rage at his dad, Juicy standing outside threatening to “fuckin crack his shit” while his kid asks him to stop. “Shut up!” You can say a lot about Juicy, but you have to admit he’s a good dad. Why, look at him here with a stroller. Tell me your heart’s not melting.
Midget crying to daddy that Juicy’s gahbage. Back to the dinner. Midge is going off about how Juicy has been verbally abusing him for nine years. LOL. Verbal abuse. OWIE. Grow a pair, Teeny. Sticks and stones and all that. Rich tries to diffuse Midge, but this just gets him more vein poppy and table poundy. “Why knock me down? WHY?!?” It’s human instinct to want to knock things down if they’re smaller than you. It’s nature.
Rich giggles a bit at the nonsensical ape rage and verbally pats Midge on the head. Shhhhh. There, there. You’re a big boy! Everyone knows it! Shhhhhhhhhhh. This inflames Midge even more and Melissa scream/laughs. Watching your husband beat up friends’ dining room tables while screaming about his daddy issues is so hot.
Rich and Kathy think it’s sad that Teresa built her brother up so much all the time in the old days. She loved him and constantly bragged about him and that just made her jealous husband feel like he had to beat the little guy down. So loving and being proud of your brother is bad. Got that? Midge says that Teresa’s the one who ruined his relationship with Juicy. And Juicy ruined his relationship with Daddy Midge. People are always ruining it for the little guy. Wah. Wah. Waaaa.
Rich wants to talk about how all this can get solved. Maybe Midge and Teresa could have lunch? I feel sorry for the tables that will be there. That’s not a pair you want around tables. There’s no way Midge will meet Teresa for lunch. But wait! The big important fashion show is coming up! How is Melissa supposed to act around Teresa?!? Um…say hi? NO! THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE! Why do Kathy and Rich hang out with these douchebags? They need to be at a key party somewhere enjoying their life and not meddling with rotten kids.
Who’s got the Mazda?
Melissa and Kathy go check out the clothes at the store that’s having the fashion show. The lesson of the scene is: if you can’t afford plastic surgery? Don’t get it. Sales are great! Just not face sales. Cheap doctors are breeding a new race of Zombie Trannies. Don’t be one of them.
No offense.
Zombie Tranny assures them that they’ve got bombshell dresses for Mel and mommyish dresses for Kathy. How fucking rude. Kathy wants some mom jeans, but Zombie Tranny don’t play that. Meh, we’ll find you a scarf later honey. For now let’s watch Melissa in her Pretty Woman shopping montage. It’s amazing when you can make every single dress in that place look trashy. That’s talent! Will she consider modeling at the fashion show?!?! How weird would that be, if a Real Housewife happened to model at the same fashion show as other Real Housewives? Tranny Zombie’s working with what she’s got: a pack of hormonal d list nut jobs from a TV show and a face that looks like a skin mask from Chainsaw Massacre.
No offense.
Mel’s NEVAH walked a runway, but she’s watched plenty of Toddlers and Tiaras, so she knows how to open her mouth really wide and look like a slut.
Kim G shows up at the store! HAHAHAH! Boozy New Orleans music is playing. She’s just stopping by to give Zombie Tranny the number of a decent doctor. Did great on Kim’s face! She looks like Jessica Lange! The current one, not the one from the Patsy Cline movie. Kim is, fittingly, wearing a clown collar.
Kim, Kathy and Mel have never met, so Kim starts off with hugs and compliments. HAH no she doesn’t. She cuts straight to the chase: “what happened with you?” HAHAHAH! I LOVE KIM! What an asshole. Mel knows Kim’s a force from gossip around town (and a subscription to Bravo), but she opens up to her anyway and says the Christening was nice at first but ended with a bang. Kim presses her about the physical violence and the exploding midgets and the squealing lizard Neanderthals, then she goes off on how Teresa calls her an old lady but it’s only cuz she’s hot and Teresa’s got a fat crooked ass. HAHAHAH! Kathy and Melissa are mortified by her rudeness. Kim G can make anyone look like a proper lady.
Kim G says that Teresa doesn’t know who she’s messin wit! Um, Kim? You’re a C player. No one’s messing with you. Thanks for stopping by for the free airtime, though! Please put the purse back on your way out. Kim? Kim come back here. OK she just stole the purse. Call the police. Again.
Caroline has been abandoned by her beautiful angelic sons, so she figures she’ll go see that other thing she popped out of her. Lauren’s got her own Makeup Parlor now. It’s called Third Best, and it features her line of products. Atta girl! Who says only lead characters can use Bravo to peddle their cheap line of whatever the kids in China are churning out these days? Caroline tells Lauren she’s proud of her, but it’s in that “don’t fuck this up or your father and I will change our number and forget we actually went through with having you” kind of a way.
Lauren does her mom’s makeup and they gossip about the upcoming drama at the fashion show. I was kind of enjoying the awkward mom/kid stuff, but ok. Caroline missed last year’s show, and she was glad. I wouldn’t be! That’s when Jaqueline’s mistake yanked out part of Danielle’s weave! Caroline was so unhappy with all that drama that this year she decided to host it and get her family involved. Makes perfect sense to me. She is giving herself the opportunity to wave her finger at people and tell them to grow up and respect their fambly, and she’s giving New Jersey the opportunity to buy more hideous clothes. Win/win!
Halloween! Mel and Midge take their kids trick or treating, and Midge is completely checked out. The guy doesn’t speak unless he’s got an issue to cry about. Meanwhile, Teresa is dressed as some kind of super hero that can shatter ear drums with her whine and spend eleven million dollars of other people’s money faster than a speeding train.
Dunder Woman
Gia just turns to the camera and gives us some deadpan. Hilarious.
I’m totally adoptable. Please. Anyone.
Over at the Gorgaoyle’s, Melissa’s going the skinny girl route and wearing something tight. Midge is in one of the dresses they stole from Milania. I’ll wait for you all to recover from the shock.
Melissa’s not pleased to be with a dude in a dress, but she doesn’t say anything cuz she doesn’t wanna make him cry. She even laughs it off as he primps and preens in front of the mirror, completely believing that he looks beautiful. Warning signs are important in a marriage. One minute it’s a hooker dress and the next it’s an inverted penis. Time flies. Put your foot down. Mel laughs that he looks like Teresa, which leads to him crying at himself in the mirror and cooing “you da best brotha in world, baby” in between makeout sessions with the back of his elbow. This is uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, look who’s going as Uncle Midge!
Adriana’s Sue Sylvester. HAHAHAHAHAH!
Teresa doesn’t live in a house, ok? She lives on an ESTATE. So the houses are too far apart to make the kids walk. Plus, the neighbors will probably spit into their trick or treat bags and chase them away with baseball bats considering they’re baby JewDices. Lazy ass Joe found yet another excuse to spend a night in a bathrobe and a wife beater.
Hugh Heifer
Point is, they’re staying in. Catwoman and Draggy Midge greet Kathy and Rich and Midge is still sobbing and making out with his elbow.
Zombie Tranny was invited to hang with Melissa, and she brings along others from the Zombie Tranny army and Kim G, who must feel awesome that she showed up in the low rent jiggly chicken skin version of Melissa’s costume. Strike one, Melissa!
Kathy’s not into the two Kims and knows this is gonna be trouble. They go to a juice head Jersey bar, and Mel giggles about how hot her husband is. She laughs as he bones her butt….
…and she’s still giggling when he bends over and asks for a turn.
He’s so cute. All he asked for for Christmas was something called “adickinmamouth”. I don’t know what that is so I’m getting him wax.
Kathy is dressed as an Avatar. HAHAH.
The girls gossip about what Melissa’s gonna say to Teresa at the fashion show, and Kathy says that she wants to broker a peace deal that will move Teresa’s hairline to the 1976 borders. Melissa just laughs and tells Kathy to watch out for flying tables. Meanwhile, Midge leaves the ladies to remove his heels and take a load off.
It was so cute when he went to the bathroom for forty five minutes and came out limping. AWWWW!
Night of the fashion show. Albert’s at the Brownstone shouting and cursing at employees. Chris wimped out on his job, so Albert’s pulling extra weight. Doing Chris’ share of the work must be really hard. Have you tried sitting still without a TV or a pizza for a few hours in a row? IT’S HELL.
Jacqui meets Teresa at her place for a pre-buzz and butters her up by complimenting her fat crooked ass. Teresa tells her that Melissa’s walking tonight, too, and Teresa is being nice about it and she has no problem talking to Melissa. Jacqui doesn’t buy it, but she’s not getting out of this so she starts nerve bingeing and tries to keep a straight face as Teresa claims that she never starts any drama. The best part of this is that Teresa seems to believe herself.
Melissa and Kathy are getting their hair done, and Kathy’s trying to get a game plan together on how to deal with Melissa. She wants an apology. Hold your breath. Kathy, expert shit stirrer, repeats that the kids were in danger and she wants to talk to Teresa too. Melissa looks psyched. Teresa is telling Jacqus that a fashion show isn’t a place for an embarrassing family brawl. Unless that fashion show happens to be in some sort of church.
Mel and Kathy are already at the venue when Teresa and Jacqueline arrive. Teresa goes right up to them and says hi and gives kisses, and Melissa is totally offended by the rudeness of not instigating a fight in the first five minutes. Teresa cooly says that she’s not fazed by Melissa. “Do I look fazed?” No. You do, however, look. Which means this will get good. One of the best things Jesus ever did for the world, among many great things, was to popularize wine.
Caroline shows up. She’s excited to see her daughter under pressure, and wastes no time in telling her how to do her job in a way that won’t disappoint the fambly. Then she walks over to Melissa and gives her a kiss and a warm hello. Now Teresa looks fazed. She starts whining “CAROLIIIINE!” really loudly, but C ignores her and says hi to Kathy. Teresa is confident that no matter how much Mel and Kathy kiss ass, C will always like her best. So confident that she’s till whine/yelling “CAROLIIIINE!” as Caroline leaves the room without saying hi. HAHAHAH!!
After a mini scene with Jaqueline complaining that she wants to have a hotter body, we’re back. The fashion show will start after the models eat. Who feeds models? It’s like putting quarters into a gas tank. Waste of money. Melissa joins her “wooooo!”ing sorority girl table, and then Teresa and Jacqui sit at a non “wooooo!”ing old people table. They keep looking over at Melissa, and witch sister Lisa is there, of course, shit talking them. It looks like there are just gonna be a lot of dirty looks and no confrontation. Enter Kim G. YAAAY!
She waddles right up to the sorority girl table and “woooo!”s. So embarrassing. For dignified older women. And humanity. Teresa’s pissed that Kim G’s talking to Melissa. Caroline and Jacqus try to make her focus on her own table, but she can’t stop looking over at the sorority table.
Do I look fazed yet?
As Kim G digs for dirt from Melissa, Zombie Tranny listens to Teresa snark “why is she hanging out with Kim G? Isn’t she, like, 70?” HAHAH. Teresa is nothing if not dependable. Caroline is only a few years younger than Kim and gets miffed at being called old lady. That’s easily solvable. Just start sitting next to people who look a hundred and you’ll always be younger.
See? My advice always works.
Caroline says she’s 49. Times what? Sorry but no. You’re pushing sixty if you’re a day and you look damn goo…presentable. Don’t front. You’re happy, you’re rich-ish, and you’ve got a place so exclusive that even Janet Jackson wants to wait tables there.
Teresa goes to get ready, and Kathy swoops in on her table to butter up Caroline. Caroline says Teresa is fambly so she’s not interested in crazy eyes Fletcher over there and her mystery solving. The show starts and it’s pretty much what you’d think a fashion show in Jersey would be like. Spandex mini skirts and glitter. I had high expectations and you pulled through, Zombie Tranny! Jacqueline is shy on the runway, but Melissa works it like a true professional…hooah. She’s bouncy, assy, and boobly like a true working girl, and says she feels like a peacock. Really? Cuz you look like a swan whore that dropped a litter and didn’t have enough money to get your stomach skin tightened back up. Come one, Zombie Tranny! This girl has a good body and you can’t even tailor your cheap ass dress for your own show?
The sorority girls are standing and wooing, so Zombie Tranny lets Melissa walk again. This time, she dances on the runway and squats until subway tokens pop out of her hoo haw. She’s a bitch, but she’s a talented bitch. Kim G says she wants to boo Teresa. My dream for the season is for someone to punch Kim G. And now, for the Black Swan.
Someone’s gonna end up cutting themselves.
Caroline says Teresa’s modeling was too forced. She wasn’t “smiling from the inside out” like she normally is.
You guys, Caroline and Teresa are gonna go AT IT. I. Can’t. WAIT. Caroline continues that everyone at the room was looking at Teresa critically because of the money rumors and the attempted baby murder on the Christening dance floor and she feels bad for the girl. What better way to show your support for a friend than to bring up her money problems again on TV? She’s over her, and I’m already excited for the first “You’uh gahbage!” out of her mouth. After the show, Caroline nods her head like an embarrassed parent after her kid fell in the dance recital.
Teresa is getting press pics taken with Mel’s mom after the show, which pisses her off. She wants to go say hi to her mom, but her witch sisters say the old lady should be the one to have to make an effort. They remind me of the sisters in The Fighter.
MTV girl!
Mel goes to say hi to her mom and Juicy’s mom, who looks just like a woman who’s named after a type of dough should look.
Jacqui compliments Teresa for not acting like an animal, but she knows some shit’s gonna go down any minute. As if to assure her that she’s right, Teresa orders another drink. Kathy pulls Ter aside and asks what happened at the Christening. Teresa is immediately on the defensive and says “what’d I do? My brotha did it!” She’s not having Kathy’s meddling, so Kathy raises her voice and says that everyone has problems but they don’t air them in a public venue. Like a fashion show? Teresa tells her to butt out. They’re shouting at each other, and Teresa asks why, if she cared so much, didn’t she stick around to throw a few punches? Well, Kathy has kids to worry about! She was taking care of an abandoned Adriana while Teresa was inciting riots. The allegation of child endangerment sets Teresa off, and she points and shouts at Kathy, then gets her hand in her face and shouts “I’m done (acting like a civilized human being)!” YAY! Remember when Teresa almost had us believing she could cry?
She’s getting that shaky face thing now, and she stalks out of the room and back to the party to yell at her mom about Kathy’s child abandonment allegation. Those poor parents sure get yelled at by their kids a lot. Caroline tries to stop her from yelling at her moms, but Teresa won’t stop. Her mom walks over to Kathy and tells her chee eez talking to her cousin! Chee should be ashame of herselfa! Let’s just have moms fight the wars and bring our troops home. They’ll get that shit solved within one potluck.
Caroline starts baby talking Mama JewDice and telling her she wants this to be a fun night so go to the bar. Meanwhile, behind her, Teresa is whine yelling and randomly pointing her finger in the air while shouting “Thanks, Kathy!” HAHAHA. Teresa was trying the softer, gentler act out for a bit but she just couldn’t do it. Thank God. And I mean that, God.
Now do I look fazed?
Mel, totally innocent in all this of course, says that the fighting and yelling needs to just stop. Teresa grabs a chair and shouts “isn’t that what your husband’s always doing?!?” A. Yes, but he also built her a giant spec house to live in, and B. Please throw that chair.
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Teresa’s losing her shit the way she does when she knows she’s wrong. We saw Kathy taking her kid outta there, didn’t we? And we saw those kids unattended. Teresa is so uncomfortable being a sociopath that she forgets there are cameras everywhere. The consistency is commendable in a sick way.
Well at least they didn’t leave us in the car again.
Mel says she doesn’t wanna talk about it here. Kathy says she was just trying to be nice and she shouldn’t have brought it up because arguing with an idiot means “you’re an idiot. So let’s leave it at that.” LOL, Melissa! Did you forget the part where you were getting your hair done and egging her on to do your dirty work for you? Caroline marches right up to them, her silver dipped earrings swinging back and forth, telling them that they’re fambly and they should take their crap out on each other in the privacy of their own spec homes and leave her business out of it. Caroline’s yelling at everyone for Teresa’s behavior except Teresa. Don’t worry, though, I’m sure her turn’s right around the corner. When she’s done finger pointing and disapproving, Caroline makes scrunchy face and tells Mel to fix it. Then, she kicks her and her crew of sorority bitches outta there. Go, Caroline! She had a decent party, a fight, and she got to lecture someone!
Well played.
Next week, everyone tells each other off again. See you there! Oh, and if you like to mess around on facebook, I just started a page over there for some Housewives raggin’. The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recaps on TVgasm.com
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34 Comments
“Wonder at the simple beauty of the bruschetta construction”
I actually did.
The part that Melissa misses is that when Teresa threw a Christening, Melissa wasn’t a Housewife. Teresa did know her place…it’s in front of the camera. Same as it’s been for the last 2 years. Melissa is just a jealous bee-atch!
I agree @Sassygrl. I can’t stand Melissa or Kathy and I also ready that Teresa’s mom was with the baby. I nearly gagged everytime shit-stirrer Kathy mentioned “as a mother”, blah! Melissa and her husband are so jealous of joe and teresa they can’t see straight. It seems to me that Teresa’s parents kind of depend on teresa and juicy and spend alot of time with them probably because their son is such a douche and their daughter in law is revolting so maybe that’s where the jealousy starts. Also, I think Kathy and Melissa were completely to blame for the whole ordeal so I didn’t see any reason for Carolyn to lecture Teresa. If someone called me a bad mother (which Kathy was totally insinuating) I would have reacted the same way. You just don’t bring up someone’s kids. Also from the way the clip of the fight looked wasn’t it fidget that charged juicy? Also, weren’t he and Teresa standing to the side while fidget went in to a hissy fit and started trying to fight everyone? I still don’t see where Teresa and Juicy are the bad guys here which sucks because I don’t even like Teresa and here I am on team Teresa.
Honestly, when Joe Midget said “I looked at heh, I looked at heh wit my eyes” I nearly fell off the sofa laughing. This season is gonna be good!
Love the recap only on page 8 but had to say that I thought teresa was taking pics with her mother and her mother in law. Not Melissa’s mother. I’m pretty sure of it because I couldn’t help but thinking what b*tches Mel’s sisters were for telling her that her mother in law should come to her before her own daughter. UGH
I dislike Mel and Teresa but I can’t stand Mel’s sisters more
This show is performing a public service! It should make viewers feel fortunate about their own families. These people are completely batshit crazy. Did Teresa and Fidget get regular lessons in table-pounding rage dinners? What grown man (half-grown) whines about another adult verbally abusing him, then turns around and screams in his elderly father’s face “You’re my f**king father”? It’s just heart warming isn’t it?
Something is very wrong with the universe that for the second week in a row I find myself siding with Teresa. Please make it stop.
So what if Mel and Midge thought Tree was being fake in her congrats…say thank you and move on rather than, I don’t know, starting a brawl at your son’s christening!! I totally fault them for this mess.
Dammit what the fuck is Kim G. back on my screen. Looks like she had some work done – she now looks 75 instead of 90. She is just dying to be a housewife and attempting to stir the pot but she sucks ass at it and winds up looking like an idiot.
I am so loving this season.
I’m glad I’m not from a big Italian fambly. Cuz these people are making the viewing public think all Italian American families are passionate (in a bad way) morons who have no reasoning skills and think the only way to handle conflict is to fly off the handle.
Great job Flipit!
I get the dry heaves every time I hear Caroline say, “Critofer.” It’s not cute lady. Not on my TV.
I sure hope Ramona and Kathy never get together on one of these shows…their combined bug eyes would do me in.
You can tell that Melissa & Kathy have been..not just jealous that Teresa was on this show from the beginning….but actually seething about it. How dare Bravo cast Teresa and not them? Now that they somehow slithered their way onto the show…they seem to ‘act’ most of the time. I can’t imagine that either of them are really that horrible in person and off camera. Maybe I’m biased. I like Teresa.
The 2 Kims? Yikes. Not again was my first reaction. Can’t Kim G try out for that Sunset Daze show out in Arizona? She adds nothing to the show and next time she…or the other Kim is on..I’m turning it off and watching something else. Enough with these woman (that’s a shout out to Danielle) LOL
For the life of me I can’t figure out why Caroline is doing this show again. She is always pissed off. Are things that bad at home she felt the need to be on camera again? So far she and J are BORING.
Great re-cap.
Oh, yeah, Kim G…REALLLLLLY desperate to be on the show. She needn’t be on my TV anymore, either.
Why is it that wherever Tre is there’s always a ruckus? She always claims she’s just being nice (“I’m nice that way…right Evelyn…right?) but she really is looking to stir up stuff. Her brother is a big ole cry baby and Melly is right behind him. No one is jealous of any of them. Rick and Kathy are shi$ stirrers..their only reason for dinner was to get things started.
Jacky’s opening line is that she’s her own person but she is so incredibly insecure. Now she wants a tummy tuck? Good grief wummin! Grow up! Just not liking any of them.
I hate Theresa. But god help me, I do believe that I hate her SIL even more. I was prepared to love Melissa if for no other reason than the reports that she hated also hated Theresa and the hope that she would drop the dirt on the Juidices left and right. But then….then she turns out to be SWFing Tre. It’s like finding out that the new coworker who has a wicked sense of humor about the boss also considers herself to be Charlie Mansons soulmate. High expectations dashed all to hell my friends.
I read Melissas Bravo blog and in it she is seething with jealousy and rage that she was not orginally cast.(nod to @megan) She even pisses and moans that Theresa didn’t make any attempt to get Melissa airtime the last three seasons as a large part of the family feud.
I mean….look at how everyone has fared the last three seasons – wouldn’t you be happy to have dodged that reality show bullet? I know I would. But this delusional bitch is pissed off that her star didn’t shine but Theresas did. Add that to fucked up hairline hiding berets (trademark Theresa) that Melissa has been sporting points me to SWF scenario.
Jesus, a family in which Theresa and Juicy are the sane, grounded ones. I don’t know where in Jersey Hell they all live, but if I lived anywhere near them I think I’d have a Gorga/Juidice family tree on the fridge for handy reference to make damn sure none of my children inadvertently mixed with that cess/gene pool. No wonder none of the Italian family looked all that happy to see them all descend on their village last year. I’m sure they had believed that they had finally gotten rid of the beasts ala The Pied Piper years ago.
@ohralphie, I was going to say EXACTLY the same thing about the blog.
@Flipit, I can’t believe there wasn’t one mention about, or screen grab of, Melissa’s precious baby being left laying on the floor in his Halloween costume.
Teresa’s sister in law=fugly horse face. Its sad because she thinks she’s all that. I laughed my ass as she was parading down the runway in that “I killed an ostrich to make my dress” dress. Fugly Fugly Fug.
Dammit, Flip!!! I was looking forward to the AshleyHate you promised me, but that bloated bitch didn’t even show up this week! Grrrrr……..You better get her next week!!!
Awesome cap, as always, my Love
2muchbravo: Too late. My television-induced bias against Italian-Americans is only surpassed by my bias against people who think Dan Brown is a talented writer. (If any of the Manzos knew how to read, I’m sure that hack would be their favorite.)
I am from an Italian Fambily (from Long Island no less) and well, while we are obnoxious, we aren’t horrific like the Guidice’s. My parents, sister, and brother missed out on most of the family feuds because we moved to Upstate New York away from it.
We had the drug addict uncle who mooched of my grandmother, my father being a preacher, and the biggest “mistake” of all”: My father marrying a non-Italian. I heard that was a site to behold. I guess my grandmother (RIP) ripped my mother to shreds but my mother stood her ground. I always call her when my MIL makes me mad because I remember my mom had it worse. As much as I hate to admit it, since I was witness to it, the whole crazy Italian family stereotype is true with my experience. That is why I refuse to subject my husband to my extended family unless someone dies. He got lucky though. When my grandmother died, we were separated. (I also hate the fact that when I get mad, my Italian/New York accent comes out and I sound like Caroline. That is AWFUL!)
However, since my grandmother died, the drama has slowed down. I think the whole, “The Mom is the Matriarch” BS is the cause of it. My MIL tries to pull it with me and she hates me because I think it is BS.
Anyway, I still despise Theresa. I see that her horrible attitude and demeanor must not be all her fault, it is just in her genes. Her brother is just a mafia wannabe, his wife a Mob Wife wannabe, the older one (cousin?) is a Ramona wannabe. I hate when Theresa looks good because it makes me miss despising her in peace. I don’t like admitting that because I like to have some pride and admitting Theresa is right makes me angry.
Great recap Flipit! I always love when you do recaps. I look forward to you and Nads discussing this on the podgasm. I, like you, am dying to see Theresa get nailed by Caroline. Sweet justice will be had.
P.S.-How are Theresa and Caroline related? I never could figure it out. Thanks!
P.S.S-Great recap again Flipit!
Melissa is such a bitch…I am thinking maybe midget Joe has some steroid issues? Maybe that could explain his irrational behavior? I expect it from the ladies, but usually the men stay out of it. He even seemed a little off at the dinner at Kathy’s house.
What jobs did those two boys get?Are they working or what.I might of missed it. It is hard to figure out what group of media whores is more messed up NJ or OC,both are fake rich ,no manners and are messing up there kids
The baby being left in that hot outfit while the parents got dressed troubled me more than ‘where’ they left him. They couldn’t just wait until the kids where in bed or in the care of a sitter?
As for Melissa and Tre–that’s easy; in Melissa’s family they all pet her and baby her and tell her how cute and adorable she is all the time. In Teresa’s family, she is the one fawned over. Melissa assumed, as most egoists do, that her new in-laws would fawn all over her cutsie-cutsie act and tell her how perfect she is all the time too. In reality, when Melissa had to constantly hear from her in-laws how great Teresa is, she recoiled and pulled hubby back with her.
I don’t understand the Joe VS Joe fight at all, it is weird. They don’t make sense as rivals–the dynamics/vibe is all wrong; it should either be siblings–JoeGor VS Teresa, or the in-laws–Melissa VS JoeGud against each other. Teresa is a better child than JoeGor, and JoeGud is a better child-in-law than Melissa–therefore, it is up to JoeGor to be a better son, and MELISSA to be a greater daughter-in-law; why does she have no responsibility in this? But I suppose she figures, ‘why bother with the in-laws if they don’t kiss my ass anyway?’
Grandma Gorga is given a lot of power at Teresa’s place; both Gorga parents (elder set) feel necessary and have a say in the running of the house, but I see no way in hell that Melissa would give Grandma-in-law that kind of control (or JoeGor to his dad, for that matter). The Gorga’s keep accusing the Guidice’s of overstepping their bounds, and yet the head table at the christining was all about Melissa’s family, even there JoeGor gave his parent’s no respect. The most telling thing about the way Teresa treats her in-laws verses the way Melissa does, is that Grandma Gorga hangs out with Grandma Guidice and Grandma Guidice came to the christining and the fashion show to support Teresa. Meanwhile, Melissa’s bitchy sisters (and if anyone is doing any nasty whispering-or yelling, it is them), tell her that it is Grandma Gorga’s job to find Melissa and say hello first. Who the f is Melissa anyway? In what culture is it the older person’s job to hunt down and say hello to the younger person? Especially concerning a mother-in-law? Did those disgusting sisters even say hello to Grandma Gorga themselves? Where is the respect in this woman’s family?
Lastly, I don’t understand the supposed insult of JoeGud to the dad, according to JoeGor: “your son is so busy working he has no time to be with you”–couldn’t that be a compliment?
As in: Your son has grown up to be such a hard worker, you must be so proud that he spends all his time working hard to support a family, rather than lazying around with a retired person. He barely even has enough time to spend relaxing with his family. You taught him how to be responsible, ambitious, and industrious (all things that Caro and Jaque DESPERATELY want for their girls–in fact I have heard about it so much on all RHONJ episodes, that I still am missing the total insult here).
It is only an insult if JoeGor is really hanging out and partying all the time instead (woops, didn’t Melissa say something to that effect on Halloween night about “who we are”?). And then JoeGor is just mad that JoeGud is just telling the dad the truth. And that is just tough shit.
Also, I do not feel bad for a single one of them, not a one (although I must say, I do like Jaque’s hubby; he is still trying to be a responsible father to the wide mouth frog). THE ONLY people I have had a single moment of worry over is Danielle’s two girls, and in that scenario, I not only worry, but fear for them both.
Oh, and if anyone could tell me, why does Albie’s skin around his eyes look so bad? It started looking puffy in that episode where he started crying, but it has never gone back to normal.
De-lurking because I just have to ask: Does anyone else think that Kim G. sounds like the Chicken Lady from the Kids in the Hall skits?
First off, Flipit, let me commend you on your astute observational skills and knowledge of Halloween costumes! I’m inviting you to be my guest at this year’s Halloween Parade in NYC. Or as we like to call it, Pride 2.0. I’ll need you to tell me exactly what I’m looking at as I usually get too distracted by the nakedness to realize that the costumes were inspired by something. (You know, other than getting laid.) One year, there was a skinny man walking around, completely nude, save for a few rose petals covering his junk. Strapped to his back was a 6 ft tall board with a bunch of red petals glued to it. He was wearing combat boots as he sashayed down the avenue like he was on a Parisian catwalk. It wasn’t until he was well out of sight that I realized he was reenacting American Beauty. If there’s one thing NYC gays are known for, it’s subtlety.
Wow. Caroline should not tell people she is still in her 40′s. She looks at least 10 years older. I actually think she looked younger when she was heavier. Fat fills in wrinkles. It’s nature’s collagen!
Poor Lauren. Her mom cries when her unemployed sons move to the next town, yet she’s ready to toss her only daughter out on her rear. You see, a nest is only empty when it lacks a penis. I mean, a son.
And the way she bilds up Albie, even though he flunked out of school, how she brags about Critterfur’s wit, but she’ll strike Lauren’s confidence down in a single blow, by saying she’s doing a bad job, all within earshot of the client. Could she be competitive with her daughter? Does Caroline secretly not want Lauren to outshine the boys, or accomplish more than Caroline did herself? She wants 23 yr old Lauren to get married and have babies, screw a career. Screw independence. She should just screw Vito, have a Vittle, and sit home until it’s time for her sons to grow up and leave. Then she’ll realize she has nothing of her own, no outside interests, and will be miserable without her kids. Then, the cycle will be complete.
Everyone can look at TV and be embarrassed by someone in their ethnic group. The Italians have Jersey Shore and RHNJ, The AA have Flavor of Love and Meet the Browns, The Latinos have Casos de Familia and RH of the Cocaine Cowboys(Miami), the Jews have Jill Zarin, the Caucasians have RHoOC, Rock of Love, Pretty Wild, The Bachelorette, Leave It To Lamas, Hoarders, Saddle Ranch, Sister Wives, and 85% of the Teen Mom storylines. We should all be ashamed! Or, not at all. Heck, the only group coming up roses are the Lebanese! But don’t get too cozy Flip, Rich just may ruin it for you yet.
Oh, and Melissa sucks. The only she does that’s funny is by accident. Most people, when they come in, kick off their shoes and leave them at the door. Melissa does this with her baby.
I hear she has two live-in nannies and a live-in maid. So, in addition to picking up discarded panties, they also have to pick up discarded babies. Maybe little Joey wasn’t dressed as a bat after all. Maybe he was disguised as the fly corpse that landed on my windowsill after being doused with half a can of Raid.
oh man i can’t believe i didn’t get a shot of the baby on the floor. you know what’s even sadder? i didn’t even notice it!!!! i spent some time going back through the last episode to find shots of kathy taking care of the kids and teresa’s kids being abandoned, but i didn’t think to look at gorgaoyle! DUMB
thanks for pointing it out. and thanks for reading and commenting you guys. these comments are fucking hilarious.
Here is the pic in question..Baby Joey lying on a doormat in the foyer. He’s safe, for the time being, but if someone bursts through the door, that baby is going to enter Jesus’ Kingdom for good.
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://bigblondehair.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/babybat.jpg&imgrefurl=http://bigblondehair.com/%3Ftag%3Dmelissa-gorga-dress&usg=__IjeSm3_XOwEpj4NvFuI08v_NF-s=&h=917&w=1407&sz=265&hl=en&start=0&sig2=2DrzX_s9-mp02g3nWgEomA&zoom=1&tbnid=hVg8jU_ZgAt3BM:&tbnh=151&tbnw=216&ei=S7jcTZPHD4bd0QHj2cHADw&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dmelissa%2Bgorga%2Bbaby%2Bcostume%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Den%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D668%26tbm%3Disch&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=137&vpy=100&dur=564&hovh=181&hovw=278&tx=166&ty=119&sqi=2&page=1&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0
@sarcasatire
“And the way she builds up Albie, even though he flunked out of school, how she brags about Critterfur’s wit, but she’ll strike Lauren’s confidence down in a single blow, by saying she’s doing a bad job, all within earshot of the client. Could …Caroline secretly not want Lauren to …accomplish more than Caroline did herself?”
TOTALLY SPOT ON! Every crazy mother’s fear–that their child should either do worse than they did in life (because that means that ‘I am a failure as a parent’), or that they should succeed, or even do better than they did (‘lest my child outshines me’). In crazy mommy land, the child should in all aspects of life make mom look the best.
Poor Jaqui, she is failing on all counts. The Illiterate Insufferable Smushed Faced Wide Mouth Mole does shitty–it is bad on Jaqui. But when she finally does quasi good ( she gets props for not wearing bowling ball cozies on her head anymore), mom reprimands her in front of boss, so again–bad on Jaqui.
Mind you, I think the Devil Spawn is repulsive, but I do get why Jaqui gets on her nerves. No matter what the Creature does, Jaqui will have always done better–because she did it on her own with a kid. It was only doing some menial jobs for a couple of years until Chris came along and saves her–but Jaqui doesn’t bother mentioning that as part of her success story.
Speaking of, I just HATE when people who married rich all talk about ‘making it’ in life by ‘working hard’–that they now have so much wisdom to offer because of how far they have come in life. It wasn’t like they were supporting themselves on brains and talent (boob power!). Take the hubby out of the equation, and who are they again?
Jaqui feels like she paid her dues and deserves the good life, and now it is Ass Face’s turn. It is as if she doesn’t realize that WE ALL SAW IT in the first or second episode of RHONJ Season 1, at little CJ’s party–how Jaqui has given up on Ashley a long time ago, and has now started a new life and just wants all remnants of the old, oopsy life gone. If I were in the Puffed Up Skunk’s position, I wouldn’t be happy about it either–although I am too smart to ever get caught on camera committing an assault. Behind closed doors on the other hand…
Despite all I’ve written, I usually have no problems with Jaqui.
But like most, I can’t stand Teresa with a passion–although I do love how she freezes, and then cringes/smiles sickly at the camera when she is caught trying to portray her marriage to Juicy Joe as THE GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER TOLD, and he is then seen shoveling food in his mouth, scratching his itchy balls, and grunting at her and the kids to shut the fuck up.
In the last two episodes, however, I have found Jaqui to be condescending and narcissistic, and Teresa semi-comprehensible and unfortunate.
What craziness is this?! And may I have some more please?
Oh, and I’m hoping if I don’t mention the dreaded women whose names rhyme with ‘Jim P.’ then they shall both go away (and take their skanky, unflattering clothes with them). If not, I hope someone invents a ‘Jim P.’ television repellent, or television zapper, cause dang, they sure are attracted to those lights and cameras.
Melissa, nice bedazzled guardian angels from the darkside beret.
I am withholding my admiration for Richie until I see him interact with a nanny…or a maid (you know I’m looking at you flipit).
Seriously I would like to see a housewife with a Norwegian background. These tisper can be vicious. Mess with them and you will find out that your recipe somehow “mysteriously” is omitted from the biannual charity church cookbook.
They don’t play.
Angela Parisi LaRoe : Caroline and Teresa are not related. Dina (Caroline’s sister) has been friends with Teresa for over 15 years and is Teresa’s youngest daughters Godmother. I’m guessing that Caroline equates being a Godmother as family.
Back before the first season even began, Bravo said that Caroline’s family (including Dina) was cast first, and Dina wanted Teresa because they were friends. Jacqueline was already cast being the sister in law and she was friends with Danielle.
I’m sure that when Teresa’s family (especially Melissa) found this out and that they weren’t included…that’s when the hatred began. It worked apparently, because now she is in the cast. I don’t like either Melissa or Kathy and could really do without either Kim.
Thank you Megan!
Maybe the little guy with the roid and nose problem lent money to the fat guy and his Author Sister and little roid no get money back because the court said so.Loved the line about Author T not taking family out to trick or treat for safety.Sad but true I bet.Who does that take the kids to where the house are close.Looks like the kids know not to go past the gates.The family not so popular.Poor kids
Notice how Teresa’s all “I’m bringing home the bacon”. “Joe is just making pizza’s”, “I’m the breadwinner”. Well stupid beotch spent all their money on crap. She should have to get out and work. Too bad the courts allowed the bankruptcy and she doesn’t have to pay back all those people she and Joe screwed.
You guys noticed Joey # 10 laying on the floor but didn’t you see little Audriana heading toward the stairs whilst her majesty was running around with the runs (yeah! like we want to know about that!). The kids hairdresser (what?) caught her before she took a header. Most people put up baby gates but NOOOOO not the “runny” family.
Maaaadon’…this show is freaking hilarious! Though, not as funny as your recaps, Flipit! What did you do to the Gorgon’s screenshot when she was flouncing around in that White Swan mess. Her face was scary looking. Though not as scary as Kim D – she looked like a demented duck. I expected her to quack “AFLAC” at everyone. Her and Kim G are such desperate old slappers – jumping up and down and practically begging the camera to watch them. I loved her “I’m am half a hooker” costume explanation – ’cause I didn’t think it was a costume! (rim shot!)
Uggh, are we going to have a whole season of the Sisters Grim? – don’t those bitches live by the Jersey Shore? Bye now!!! I am beyond sick of those heiffa sisters of Melissa’s. Don’t they have incantations to work on for Lucifer?
Teresa is getting the sad horns edit so far. I kinda feel for her (NOT HAPPY ABOUT THAT, BRAVO!!!)
Jacqueline and her endless whining about her physique – you know what will get you in better shape – taking a shoe to that butterface daughter of yours. Try running down the street after her, throwing all her shit out – works off the pounds like crazy!
Caroline – have Albie and Christopher gone off to war yet – I mean – moved 30 minutes from your house yet? And nice rapport with your daughter – I guess a job she is good at and boyfriend thing will never compare with being kicked out of law school or leaving a job for something.
Kathy – got on my nerves a little. Shit stirring is fun, but making it seem like Teresa neglected her kids is a little cheap. Like that fur vest that she was wearing…or her teenage daughter’s picture… oops!
best recap everrrrrrrrrrrr! Go flipit..
You know you are really fucked up when you make teresa look good.. mwahahahahah