Season Finale night is finally here. It seems like only 3 weeks ago that we started hanging out and bitching about the garlic-flavored telebortion known as RHONJ and now it’s all over. If you don’t count two or three weeks of Reunion shows and a Lost Footage Edit Suite Scraping. I just got back from thoroughly enjoying Piranha 3-D at my favorite Hot Lebanese Teen Boy-magnet, the Sherman Oaks Galleria. I can’t think of a nicer place to spend 15 bucks on a movie ticket. Of course that included a 3.50 glasses rental. I am terrified of getting lice from the 3-D goggles and having to shave off my cascading but un-Teresa-like dark brown locks! But I digress. The hideous razor-toothed monsters in that film have nothing on our Jersey Jezebels and those hard-working producers will doubtlessly be staging as much meowing as they can get away with for our viewing pleasure, so let’s not waste any time.
Villa Foreclosa. The Manzo-Lauritae (Caroline, Albert, Lauren, Christopher, Albie, Jacqueline and Chris) arrive at Teresa and Joe‘s for dinner. Teresa quickly re-establishes her delusional status by telling us that the trip to Italy “bonded” her with Caroline & Jacqueline. T: I feel like we’re just one big, happy family! As many of you pointed out in the Comments, Jacqui & Mommy Salami seemed a tad shall we say infuriated with Teresa’s selfish, beastly behavior by journey’s end. But let’s see how quickly they get caught back up in her bullshit.
Everyone takes a seat in the cavernous, soon-to-be-an-auction-gallery dining hall and starts boozing it up with red wine and bellinis. Teresa announces that contrary to popular belief, Italian food isn’t fattening. Albert notes that they all ate “like crazy” on the trip, but no one gained an ounce. “Hiking up mountainous village streets and chasing after the Jew-Dice Goils really burns off those carbs,” Caroline doesn’t say, instead asking how delinquent, enormous-headed step-niece Ashley is doing. Jacqueline says she’s “fine”, considering Ashley’s lawyer just asked Danielle to drop the assault charges, to which La Staub replied “No, press forward!” I so wish Teresa was the one who had yanked out Danielle’s weave, if only to see Milania aka Feral Lemur and Gabriella, The Pretty One, carted off by Animal Control Child Protective Services. Gia would have been fine, what with her scholarship to Juilliard. Not. Speaking of which, it IS awfully quiet at Villa Foreclosa tonight. Sominex sippy cups, perhaps?
Caroline is disgusted that mere hair-pulling might go down on Ashley’s permanent record. Jacqueline says Danielle made it much worse by “lying” that Ashley also threatened to kill her. Even Danielle’s bodyguard, who witnessed the incident, told Jacqueline that threats weren’t made. Caroline asks Danielle via interview that if Dani is in such a wonderful new “forgiving” place, “why are you so hellbent on hurting this child?” This 19-year-old, sexually active child. Caroline tells everyone she’s sick of “this lunatic” terrorizing everyone. Dani spread that vicious rumor about the Jew-Dices being broke (mmmkay), she went after poor Christopher (I guess she’s talking about tiny felon Danny calling him a fag at The Brownstone), “and we won’t even talk about the Dina situation”. You should, because other than annoying the shit out of Dina, I’m not sure what crime Danielle committed there. And Dina can take care of herself. I mean, Jesus Christ, that broad is terrifying.
“Yeah, dere’s breast-milk in da tiramisu. So what? We’re on a frickin budget.”
Caroline says she wants “to find a solution to make” Danielle “go away”. And she wonders why people think she’s in the mob. “With every fiber of my being” Caroline interviews that she wants Danielle to leave them alone, and she’d like to think Danielle also would like to be rid of them. Caroline proposes arranging a sit-down with Danielle to “set her straight”. Teresa innocently replies that Danielle habitually “runs away” from Teresa & Jacqueline. Yeah, because you flip tables at her, call her a “prostitution whore” in front of her kids, and chase her through country clubs, you disingenuous twat. Caroline can’t guarantee that Danielle won’t flee the scene, but says she will speak to Danielle in a calm voice. Dripping with tough, idle threats.
Caroline says she intends “to make a deal with” Danielle. In exchange for dropping the charges, the Manzo-Lauritae-Jew-Dices will stay out of Danielle’s life. Some deal. Caroline should probably sweeten the pot with a few “puhneenees”, since Jacqueline won’t even guarantee that Ashley will stay away from Danielle. “She’s on her own thing”, Jacqui tells Caroline, basically admitting Jax has no control over the deadbeat daughter Chris L financially supports. But Ash IS good to have around in case the third alternate nanny can’t watch CJ and Baby Nicholas. Ashley can teach them to run a nice little shell game in the driveway, and the fine art of cyber-bullying any of their day-care frenemies.
Caroline wastes no time and texts Danielle right at the table, in such a hurry to protect her family she can’t even be bothered to proofread: “I’d like to put an end to all the nonsense. Let me know when you if you are available to meet Sunday at 2.” Ooooh! For all the melodramatic music blaring over this scene, this is about as scary as being summoned to pizza headquarters by Mama Celeste.
It’s not incest if only their balls touch.
Staub Manor. Danielle is conveniently hanging out with daughters Jillian, 11, and aspiring teen model Christine, when the text comes through. Danielle tells us her first reaction to it was “How the f*ck did she get my number?” since Danielle has blocked calls from her evil castmates. She guesses she “just must have missed” Caroline’s. Christine asks her mother to read the message aloud. Danielle does, then immediately scoffs at the ego of Caroline saying SHE’D like to put an end to the nonsense. “What do we have to talk about?” Danielle rhetorically asks the girls. Christine asks if Danielle will go. Jillian jumps in to say that no “normal person” would want to do this. Yes, dear, but we’re talking about your mother. Have you two met?
Danielle, with the unmistakable gleam of madness sparkling in her eyes, tells us that Caroline “is under the impression” that Danielle is “the same girl that she sat across from on a couch and called garbage and I sat there too mortified to even defend myself”. Um, no one is under the impression that you’re a “girl”. But Danielle promises that Caroline is in for a “big, BIG surprise! Bwahahaha!” Danielle sees that Jillian is upset and asks why. Jillian says she doesn’t want Danielle to meet Caroline. “Don’t you TRUST me on this?! Haven’t we been PRAYING about this?!” Danielle replies, invalidating her daughter’s feelings and victimizing herself AND sounding like an idiot in one quick sound bite. Nice one, Nutcake!
Danielle takes advantage of the moment for a quick brave-me empowerment speech: “Here’s the thing, sweetheart. I’m not in fear no more. I was, but I’m not… I don’t want anything to do with them, [becoming slightly emotional] maybe at one time I did, but that was then, and this is now.” She sounds like a talentless 14-year-old on the first day of drama class. Dani’s going to go hash it out, “matriarch to matriarch… I WILL get the dignity and respect that I deserve.” At least her expectations are right on point.
“Please tell me I have a birth mother out there someplace, too…”
Villa Laurita. Jacqueline sends adorable, well-behaved CJ out of the room to play video games so she and Chris can speak to sullen teen Ashley. They inform the giant-faced reprobate that “Aunt Caroline” will be meeting with Danielle to broach a peace settlement that includes Danielle dropping the charges against Ashley. But, Jacqueline interviews, Danielle is “very revenge-full”, so it ain’t gonna be easy. Jacqueline warns Ashley that if Caroline is successful, it means Ashley will never be able to speak Danielle’s name again, much less engage in texting spats and Facebook mockery. “I haven’t done anything,” Ashley whines instead of just saying “Sure, Mom. Thanks for my new SUV and free room and board in your McMansion!”
But she’s not finished. Now come the jokes: “She’s like herpes– she just won’t go away!” Try Valtrex, whore. Chris says that Ashley’s comments indicate she isn’t taking this seriously. “I don’t CARE!” she pouts. Danielle is like a fly buzzing around Ashley’s gigantic head. And Ashley keeps swatting her but she won’t go away! “Go be on someone else’s sh*t,” Ashley concludes, sniggering at her own wit. Chris tells Ashley they don’t want to hear anything more from her about Danielle. “Like what is Aunt Caroline planning on like saying to her?” Ashley asks, unable to follow the new rule for even three seconds. “Like this like truce?”
Jacqueline says Danielle will “want a public apology” from Ashley. “That’s not gonna happen,” Ashley says. This bitch is REALLY giving Milania a run for Biggest Brat honors right now. Chris doesn’t really react to this, but he does refer to the “waste of money” going on and demands that Ashley promise to have no further contact with Danielle. Ashley mopes and rolls her eyes but shockingly refuses to guarantee she’s done with Danielle. Jacqueline interviews that Ashley “didn’t completely understand or appreciate that Caroline was going to bat for her”. No shit! So throw the spoiled (not-so) little abortion-factory out your muthafukkin house! Christ.
“…and going to like prison or whatever fully like helped Lindsay’s career, so who even like cares.”
Staub Manor. Danielle’s pocket-felon Danny arrives to counsel the square-titted matriarch about the upcoming Clash of the Cretins. Danielle is in full Prissy Lady mode as she interviews that she can’t predict “the reezalt” of the meeting, “but I do know one thing to be a fact.” That your first name is Steven? No, that Caroline “has NEVER had a conversation with me, and yet she has formed her opinion on me, in vicious ways.” What is this, Pride & Prejudice?! I love it when slutty Housewife trash starts talkin’ fancy! This is better than listening to Sheree from RHOA try to de-ghetto it up. (Does the phrase “I had saw” ring any bells, Gasmii?)
Danny brings a valuable prison-yard sensibility to the table, corroborating Danielle’s opinion that Caroline is the “boss” of the other Housewives. Danielle’s paranoia has been lit and now she’s blaming Caroline for “putting up” Teresa and Ashley to terrorize Dani at the cuntry club. Danny agrees that Caroline is “the puppeteer”, “the ruling party”: “they do what she dictates, I believe that.” He also probably believed that blowing White Power Bob would keep him safe from The Aryan Brotherhood in the showers, too. Danielle takes Caroline down a few pegs via interview: “Caroline, you’re not Carmelo. [LOL] You’re not a Soprano. So stop sending out your little [air quotes] ‘brilliant ones’ to make it look like you’re not doing anything while you’re sitting on your proverbial throne, judging. Get A LIFE.”
Danielle just will not shut up. She tells Danny that if Caroline really didn’t give a shit about her, she wouldn’t be taking the time to call Danielle garbage to her face. “You just wouldn’t be around me. This is what they’re telling their daughters and sons to treat women like: chase them, investigate them, CLAW at them, rip their hair from their head when they’re hiding on the side of a building to get away from you. Woman that I know, not one of them thinks like that… I don’t think like Crazy thinks. I’ve had my moments of insanity in my life…” Um, you’re having one now…. “but I own them.” This isn’t the first time Crazy has been mentioned as if it’s a character on the show. And this isn’t the first time we’ve seen that Danielle thinks the plural of “woman” is “woman”.
“So now just because Hustler is distributing MY sex tape, all of a sudden it’s a ‘dirty’ magazine?! Whatever, Caroline.”
Danny is now warning Danielle to not put herself in a position where she’s “vulnerable, uncomfortable and unprotected”. But since Caroline is the only one “with the ability to control that clan”, Danielle needs to meet her. “Just be ready.” Danielle assures him she’ll be bringing security along. Histrionic much? As a portrait of suburban menopausal obsession and horrific eye make-up, this is fascinating. As a season finale, it’s boring the fuck out of me. How about you?
Maison Manzo. Caroline tells Albie and Lauren she’s getting ready to meet Danielle. Lauren thinks it’s pointless– there’s no way Caroline can get through to “crazy” Danielle. Caroline tells them as much as she’s going to hate doing this, “I wouldn’t feel right” about letting Dani off the hook. “I’ll never start a fight– never never never… but I’ll never back down from one either.” Thank god Caroline is so selfless or this finale would be about Danielle forcing Jillian to audition for America’s Got Talent. Caroline excuses herself to get dolled up, telling us that she’s “trying to bring peace to an ugly situation.” She’s like Indira Gandhi with red hair and huge tits.
Staub Manor. Desperate to juice up this boring turd of a finale, the producers kindly decided to have Danielle call her “energist”, Sarai. I don’t think we’ve actually seen this person. but I’m picturing morbidly obese with a white satin peignoir and a credit card machine in a mobile home somewhere in the Newark suburbs. Sarai offers to “scan” Danielle to keep her balanced so she can “lead with love” tonight. If this is anything like the David Cronenberg film Scanners, maybe Danielle’s head will explode right on camera! Seriously, this is a fucking comedy sketch: Danielle says she’s ready, and sits with her Blackberry on her lap and Sarai on speaker. Clear your mind and breathe in, Sarai instructs. Now exhale. Did Danielle “feel that”? Oh yeah, Dani says. “I always feel it when you start on me.” Sarai tells Danielle to “take care– I’ll be right here.” Cut to Sarai watching Jersey Shore with the captions on, trying to lick the remnants from a Jell-O pudding cup.
“Now slowly chant the 3-digit security number on the back of your card.”
To obnoxious music more suited for a Tom Cruise spy trailer, Caroline & Danielle leave their respective McMansions, Caroline driving herself in the Range Rover, Danielle escorted by “Jerry“. (Not Springer– her chauffeur “and bodyguard”.) Jerry assures Madame Staub that he’ll be right outside, poised for the first sign of trouble and a quick getaway. There will also be “someone inside” to protect Danielle from Caroline and “her spiky red hair“. Danielle tells us she’s not stressed, because “there’s guys here with guns.” If I didn’t have so much compassion for poor Jillian and Christine, I’d so be wishing that one of those guns would go off accidentally and rid the world of this delusional hag.
Caroline enters the restaurant, where she’s “arranged for a private room” to meet Danielle. Caroline knows Dani loves to create public drama, but Carmelo Caroline doesn’t roll that way. “That’s not who I am.” Danielle enters with Jerry, who “discreetly” hangs behind as Danielle approaches Caroline’s table.
The Brownstone. The Manzo-Lauritae-Jew-Dices are waiting out the summit with another group dinner. Chris Laurita can’t handle the tension and orders a Guido Spritzer (half-Coke, half-red wine). We’re supposed to believe that everyone’s worried that they haven’t heard from Caroline yet. Jacqueline tells us Caroline can take care of herself, but Danielle is so nuts, who knows what will happen! Except everyone reading this. Nice try, though. Albert says he never would have condoned this if it wasn’t for the Ashley situation. Danielle is guilty of “a premeditated act of perjury” by telling the judge that Ashley threatened to kill her. Jacqueline brings up Danielle “being a prostitute, kidnapping, holding someone for ransom, beating them with a 9mm pistol”, but Ashley interrupts her mother, snipping that she’s sick of Jacqui rehashing this every day.
“I’m off to get a job and pay my own way out of the consequences of my reckless behavior. Just kidding– I have to take a dump.”
Jacqueline has had it up to her triple D’s with Ashley’s back-sassing and tells the troubled teen to shut her big giant face. And while you’re at it, Ashley, ease up on the bread. Just because you’re an utter failure as a teen model, unlike this Recap Artist, there’s no reason to pork up like Wendy the Retard from The Howard Stern Show. Who you sort of resemble. Jacqueline points out that Ashley is obviously unaware of Danielle’s propensity for malfeasance because Ash is too busy doing god-knows-what with boyfriend Derek. Who’s sitting right next to her. Awk-ward! Ashley responds by getting up and marching from the table to make calls in the Ladies Room. Jacqueline follows so they can bicker some more. Jacqui is miffed that Ashley interrupted her when Jacqui was trying to make a point in her favor. In between announcing to everyone that Ashley deserves to be punished for attacking Danielle. Ashley is like so SO over it and doesn’t want to speak to her mother. If Jacqui doesn’t like Ashley stomping off and texting in a pouty frenzy, STOP PAYING HER DAMN CELL PHONE BILL!
Derek tells Chris and Joe, who have retreated to the nearest open bar, that Ash isn’t picking up. Chris doesn’t think she’d leave the building, but advises Derek to “talk to her about” “opening her f*cking mouth and sounding like an *sshole.” Yes, that’s a great way for Berry-Face D-Man to get more teenage pussy.
Powder Room. Jacqui is still harping at Ashley for her “disrespectful” behavior at the table. Ashley couldn’t care less, and ignores her mother and cousin Lauren’s request for her to rejoin the group. “Yeah, right,” Ashley snarls, rolling her eyes and cuntily texting. This show is Hi-Def birth control.
“Looks like dis joint hired a coupla new busboys. Dominican, Portarican, whodafuckknows. Shit, lookit dat one movin dose chairs aroun. I got a seat for ya, Pablo. Right on my face. Oh, yeah, baby. Jesus Christ, lookit dat ass. How much you squattin widdat? Bring it ovuh here and gimme a lapdance. You don’t need no pole, except da one in my fuckin pants. You got a girlfriend, amigo? I bet she don’t do dis for ya. Yeah, we suck’em real sweet in Sala Consilina, baby. Lotsa tongue, dat’s da secret. I betcha butthole tastes like cinnamon. I wantchoo insida me. Tickle my tits. Yeah, dat’s it.”
Lauren bustily interviews that Jacqueline is “a great mom” and this is all for Ashley’s own good. Then Lauren takes charge in the bathroom and talks Ashley into coming back to the dinner. Good work, L! If you’re interested, I know of 3 goils who need a babysitter. Ashley interviews that Danielle is the cause of many fights with Jacqui and Ashley would hate one of them to blossom into a rift “so that we never speak again.” Yes, that would suck balls, especially when those bills start hitting the mailbox and you’re forced to lower yourself to giant-face-fetish internet porn to pay them.
Derek unwisely chooses Ashley’s return to the table to give her the scolding prescribed by much macho-er Italian he-men Chris & Juicy Joe: “You need to relax,” Derek timidly suggests to her. Jacqueline is, after all, Ashley’s mother. “I know,” Ash whines petulantly. “Like I understand that like I’m the child and she’s the mother but… I’m 19 and I have thoughts and opinions.” Derek comes back with “You raised your voice. You need to know your place.” Judging by the look Ashley gives him, HIS place is not going to be inside her vagina tonight.
Teresa, who, tragically or happily, has NOTHING in this episode, whines to the table that they still haven’t heard from Caroline. Albert wonders if his wife is “being pistol-whipped or kidnapped”. “Jacqueline, I toldya we shoulda went!” Teresa screams, giving us just a taste of the illiterate moron we know and love to hate. Albert says Teresa’s book Skanky Skinny Italian has given him an idea for one called Fat Italian: How to Eat Yourself into a Coma and Die with a Smile on Your Face. Personally, I don’t need a book for that.
Hence, the herpes incubating on your lower lip.
Abbey Restaurant. The tete-a-twat begins and Caroline does kind of remind me of Edie Falco (how great is Nurse Jackie, BTW?) as she smiles warmly and says that Danielle must be wondering why “I called you here”. Caroline says that whether Danielle “chooses to believe it or not”, Caroline has “tried very hard” to stay out of Dani’s life. (Not the easiest thing when you’re “starring” on a TV show together.) And the “chain of events that have happened” were “beyond” Caroline’s control. The other ladies know how Caroline feels about things and Caroline feels it’s only fair that “as an outsider” Danielle also gets to hear Caroline’s take on things. Danielle civilly retorts that she “appreciates that”. And then agrees with Caroline’s description of the situation as “a crazy merry-go-round that never stops”. So far this War of the Gargantuas is turning out to be as dull as the rest of the episode.
Danielle continues to be on board with Caroline’s stated desire to set a good example for their kids and live in harmony in their small town. The first signpost indicating this pleasant drive is about to detour off a cliff comes when Caroline says she’s “puzzled” about why Danielle is pursuing the Ashley lawsuit. Especially because Danielle has excused her own criminal behavior as the actions of a young, stupid girl with no guidance in her life. You can see the switch flicking as Danielle prepares to shed her secret identity and transform into Victim Woman. And before the rant starts, I will take a staub at this and guess that Danielle feels the difference is that Ashley DOES have guidance– in fact she comes from upper-middle-class money and has everything handed to her on a gilt-edged platter. Plus she’s like, totes unremorseful and a mega-faced bitch.
Danielle immediately tells Caroline in a patronizing, psychiatric-nurse voice that it’s Danielle’s turn to talk. Dani keeps things surprisingly reasonable by admitting she’s made mistakes, and tried to learn from all of them, but “Ashley accosted me” and when you assault someone, you must be punished by law. Danielle was. Caroline assures Danielle she thinks the weave-yank was wrong and in fact the whole family has condemned Ashley’s actions to the bratty teen. Then Caroline re-launches the whole “place of light and forgiveness” rap implying Danielle’s a vindictive hypocrite.
“Oh, just admit it…”
Danielle correctly points out that this is about Ashley. Caroline then unwisely tries to minimize Ashley’s behavior by pointing out she was 18 at the time and “thought her mother was in danger”. Danielle scoffs at this, claiming that Jacqui & Teresa were “chasing” her through the clubhouse. Caroline gets testy, ridiculously declaring that Ash “has the integrity” to denounce her own actions as “wrong” when we know damn well that Ashley has no integrity and has been bragging non-stop about the whole stupid dust-up.
“Awright! It’s true!”
Danielle, who I must say has been coached expertly by someone, asks what wrong thing Caroline seems to be implying Danielle’s done. Dani also takes issue with Caroline’s insistence that Ash “is taking responsibility for her actions”. Caroline weakly babbles about Ash “going down to the court” and admitting she did assault Danielle but had her reasons. I’m still with Daffielle here, Gasmii– just because the law forces Ashley to acknowledge the charges against her doesn’t mean she’s dealing with anything “responsibly”. Not when the option is getting arrested pending a trial!
“I’m your mother.”
Danielle reminds Caroline that Ashley attacked her, but Caroline wants to “make something clear”– “there WAS no threat, there WAS no ‘I’m gonna kill you’… tell da truth!” Then Caroline will respect Danielle. Danielle remains poised and un-victimmy as she tells Caroline with an infuriating sardonic twinkle in her eye: “Amazingly, I don’t need you to validate my life. Much like I haven’t given my permission for you or your family to attack me, or assault me.” Caroline wants an example of how she’s attacked Danielle. Danielle can’t think of one, so resumes her “I don’t deserve to be treated like this”, but Caroline, sensing a chink in Sarai’s Healing Telephonic Energy Armor (Patent Pending), starts repeating “Answer my question!” How has Caroline or her children or husband attacked Danielle?
“Really?” Danielle says, incredulous. But instead of answering, she turns the question on Caroline, who says “Dina, Jacqueline, Lexi and Ashley” are all “me”. Caroline says she stands with her family. Danielle says she does the same thing. Caroline says “no one has ever attacked” Danielle’s “beautiful” daughters. But Danielle attacks the Manzo-Laurita children when she can’t get anywhere with the adults. Danielle: No, I don’t. Caroline: Yes, you do. Do, not! Do, too! Caroline says it’s ridiculous of Danielle to play innocent when her “entourage” “defamed” Caroline’s “place of business” by calling Christopher “a faggot”. I’m not sure that saying a gay person works at a catering company really counts as defamatory, but Danielle clearly wants to distance herself from pocket-felon Danny’s troglodyte behavior.
Danielle accuses Caroline of having her investigated shortly after they met for the first time, then Dani mentions all of Caroline’s friends who happen to be “under indictment” right now. Caroline has had enough and calls Danielle “a clown”. Danielle: You’re sitting there with red hair and I’m the clown? [LOL]. Caroline says she’s not afraid to give Danielle a dose of the truth– “When I called you garbage, I meant that you were garbage.” Danielle has had it and gets up to go. “Ya walkin away? Ya always do!” Caroline snaps at Danielle’s exiting back.
Danielle emerges from the restaurant and tells Jerry it’s time to go. No one calls her garbage twice and gets away with it. Caroline interviews that Danielle is “soulless”. Danielle tells us that “Caroline ain’t no matriarch of MY family… She’s the clown, not me.” I’ve done 9-hour lip gloss layouts that were more exciting than these last 10 minutes. At least you got to hear decent gossip about who was the biggest nightmare at the time (for the record, it was a toss-up between Naomi Campbell and Rachel Hunter). Danielle tries, bless her heart, to inject some sizzle into this fizzle-fest while waiting for her car. “Teresa’s husband’s a drunk. Jacqueline? Certifiable.” And Danielle has a message for Mrs Jew-Dice: “My kids wore lace and crinoline at those ages. My dogs wear leopard.” That’s your best shot, Staub? Surely, the Jew-Dice Goils and their Teresa-inflicted personality defects offer better fodder than THAT.
“Oh, HELL no… that means…”
Staub Manor. Danielle arrives home with her escort and greets Jillian, Christine and a nude dog. Danielle introduces her security detail to her mortified offspring and tells the girls to say thank you to the nice armed men. The goons exit and Danielle tells the kids “It’s done.” “Really?” Christine asks in a hopeful, sad voice that makes me want to whisk her and her sister away to Leia LaBiblia Aspiring Teen Model Camp & Self-Esteem Workshop With Free Extensive Psychotherapy From Qualified Professionals. Or LAT-McSew-Fep-Kewpie. The “Where Are They Now” chyrons start to roll: “Christine is modeling with IMG Models and is featured in Blackbook Magazine. Jillian is pursuing a recording career and performed at a NY street fair.” Dani says “it’s finished!” but: “Danielle currently has a tell-all memoir and a pop song. A sex tape with her and a Mystery Man has been released by Hustler.” Poor Jillian and Christine– call Aunt Leia, kids! We’ll find a nice Gasmi foster family for you. I nominate PCheeze!
“…I’m fucking my uncle.”
The Brownstone. Caroline arrives to find everyone else in the cast waiting for her at the table. Teresa tells us that “When Caroline walked in, her eyes were as red as her hair. Like she’s been through hell.” Honey, she just spent a week in Europe with kidney stones, you and the Goils– she’s already been through hell. Caroline starts to recount the hell WE’VE just been through by telling them that Danielle came to the meeting “with this wall up”. Danielle refused to listen to Caroline’s argument about Dani having been in Ashley’s position and Dani was unable to get that Caroline “came here to do good.”
Jacqueline interviews that she appreciates Caroline’s efforts, but there can be no resolution with Danielle, and Jacqui “will never forgive her… it’s inexcusable to me.” Caroline claims that she made it clear to Danielle that the Manzo-Lauritae-Jew-Dices are done with Danielle and will be sticking together as a family. If any a youse wanna go back and start shit widdat skank, yousa onya own, capeesh? Ashley thanks her aunt, then after quickly conferring with Derek, apologizes to Jacqueline and sounds about 70% sincere. Touched, Jacqueline forgives her. And keeps those checks coming and the locks at Villa Laurita unchanged. “Ashley pled guilty to one count of simple assault for pulling out Danielle’s hair extensions and paid a $189 fine. The judge dismissed the harassment charge.” Her face continues to enlarge and can be seen terrorizing children all over Franklin Lakes.
Jacqueline interviews that she thinks she’s a “good mom” and will always be there for her family. Which, she says, also includes Derek. At least until he sits down and watches this season back-to-back. “Jacqueline is trying to lose the baby weight and is steering clear of the Danielle drama. She remains friendly with Kim G.”
“We’re getting a pre-nup.”
Teresa tells us that she has a lot going on in her life, but tries “not to let anything or anybody bother me.” Because once you pay attention to pesky signs like bankruptcy or shopping addiction or an alcoholic closeted husband or the complete disgust and loathing of an entire cable TV audience, your delusional, narcissistic bubble might burst and then you might have to behave like a grown woman. And nobody wants that to happen. Especially us, Gasmii. “Teresa is enjoying the success of her bestselling cookbook Skinny Italian. Despite declaring $11 million worth of debt and filing for bankruptcy, she and Joe maintain that [Villa Foreclosa] is NOT in foreclosure.” And Milania doesn’t resemble a Feral Lemur either.
“Albie graduated from the police academy and hopes to return to law school. Chris works as Banquet Manager at The Brownstone but still plans to open a strip club/carwash someday.” And I’ll gladly dance in a thong, pasties and Turtle Wax in exchange for one night in the same bed with the Manzo Brothers. What? I’m single! Just cuz you’re pretty, everyone thinks you’re a whore. And like I said earlier, it isn’t incest if only their balls touch.
“Lauren continues to work as a make-up artist. She is still dating Vito, with Albie’s blessing.” I hope Caroline will allow her to join Christine and Jillian for a special tiara ceremony to share the honor of their three-way win as RONJ’s Least Cunty– Season 2.
New This Fall On NBC… From the Creators of Super-Nanny… TROLL PATROL!
Caroline proves how much they’ve left Danielle in the past by proposing a toast to Danielle and how little she can hurt them. Then Caroline interviews that “I wouldn’t change ANY of them”, including “Teresa and her kids”. Really? No changes at all? Some manners? A little discipline, a soupcon of consequence-introduction, some light electrolysis? And nothing for the Goils either? You sadden me, Mommy Salami. “Albert has cut back his hours and is spending more alone time with Caroline. She has not seen Danielle since she called her garbage… again.”
There you have it, Gasmii. This season finale was a snooze. To liven things up, I’m launching a Comments section contest– give us YOUR where-are-they-now blurb for any or all of these characters and I’ll crown a winner when it’s time to recap the sure-to-be-livelier Reunion Debacle!
P.S. I know Ashley’s real last name is Holmes. As in John C. She is to faces what he was to penises.
“Speaking of penises, I’m really a boy. Please God, someone help me.”