Hola Ninos y Ninas!
Your substitute Recap Artist, Leia LaBiblia is back to help you navigate the terrifying journey of the Manzo-Lauritae and their bosom-implant buddies the “Jew-Dices” as they leave their feud with Danielle and wanna-be Wife Kim G back in the Garden State for the most fun that a dysfunctional family, complete with elderly relatives and a posse of mostly beastly brats (I’m talking to you, Giudice Goils!) can have cruising around Italy on the most hideous, Trumpy luxury liner that Bravo could score a deal with.
Before I forget, memo to Yanksfan: Caged Heat is a 1973 Roger Corman women-in-prison classic considered by many to be the smartest, hippest and most respectable of the genre. In his directorial debut, Jonathan Demme was able to create more three-dimensional characters for both the inmates and warden (intriguingly underplayed by cult goddess Barbara Steele) and the result was a quirky feminist fable for the drive-in crowd. Chained Heat is the MUCH sleazier, hilariously OTT smash 1983 hit starring Linda Blair and featuring so much nudity, catfights, perversion and mayhem that it was a staple on VHS and Cinemax for over a decade. Sadly, this trashterpiece teeming with big tits, bigger hair and ripe, endlessly quotable dialogue has never been released uncut on DVD and would absolutely be my first choice in the parallel universe where I run an indie video label. The second release from LeiaVision Labs would be the viciously bitchy 1977 dark comedy Andy Warhol’s Bad, starring Carroll Baker as a Queens electrologist who supplements her kitchen hair-removal biz with a hit-girl-for-hire company specializing in bumping off unwanted kids and pets. In the most infamous scene, a whiny housewife (future A-list publicist Susan Blond) becomes impatient waiting for her assassin to arrive, so she tosses her squalling infant from the high-rise window herself. SPUH-LATTTTT! After which, an obese Tab-drinking mom points to the bloody mess on the sidewalk and tells her kid “That’s what I’m going to do to you if you don’t SHUT up!!!” You have no idea how badly I want to show this movie to the star of this episode, Milania Giudice.
Thanks for all the love and brilliant analysis you showered my debut RHONJ with… let’s hope this glamorous rampage through unsuspecting Italia is as much shameful fun as last week’s crazy christening crap!
Villa Foreclosa. Jacqueline and Chris join Joe and Teresa for dinner. Jacqueline tells us they heard Joe was in a car accident and it “looked bad”. Jacqui interviews that Joe, who immediately begins filling quart-size glasses with red wine, was “NOT drinking, he was NOT drunk, so I was shocked to hear” that this happened.
Diner. Danielle meets her little felon friend Danny for another paranoid bitch session. She starts to lecture him on the benefits of antioxidant smoothies, but he cuts her off by tattling that “Teresa’s husband was arrested for a DWI.”
Meet the face of the NJ school board’s “Just Say No To Gossip” billboard campaign.
VF. Joe explains that he was soberly driving along when he “yawned… one of those deep yawns… it was like 1:30, whateva, quartera two in da mornin, I was tired. It wasn’t from drinking at all.” You weren’t even drinking that night, Jacqueline helpfully adds. “Thank you,” Teresa interjects, as if we’ve ever witnessed one scene with Joe in which he WASN’T drinking. Joe says he “shut his eyes for a second” and “floored it” and all of a sudden he was mowing down trees! Then he “hit da pole”, as opposed to smoking it like does whenever there’s privacy in the steam room. Chris says it’s lucky the vehicle didn’t catch fire. “An angel was lookin over me,” Joe tells them. “Me and the goils still need him!” Teresa says, even though considering all the debt they’re in, a juicy life insurance policy would almost certainly render Joe more valuable dead than alive. And if he had to hit a Tree…
…why the hell couldn’t her last name have been Jew-Dice?!
Then the story gets even fishier: Joe says that the crash coincidentally occurred right near “a friend of my fadduh’s house”. Horrified by the near-carnage, this gentleman let Joe in. “It was a miracle that Joe got himself out of the car and thank god HE wasn’t hurt and it was an unfortunate situation,” Teresa interviews in a strange, robotic voice as if reciting word-for-word what their lawyers told her to.
This one’s going on the side of buses.
Diner. “How sad” it would be, Danielle says, to leave one’s children fatherless and one’s wife a widow. “Albeit, it’s Teresa, but hey…” she adds rudely, impressing Danny at least with her fancy vocabulary. You know what really makes Danielle angry? Besides everything? Joe has “enough money to be paying cash for housefuls of furniture and buying Maseratis” but can’t “hire a driver?!” She confronts Joe via interview, demanding to know why he’s out till 2 AM “as a grown man and a father, drinking? I mean, I know the strip clubs are still open at that hour.” Of course they are– that’s when Danielle used to make the best tips!
VF. Joe says he was so “shaken up” by the incident, that when he laid eyes on “a bottle of Johnny Green“, he just had to soothe his jangled nerves by downing three or four whiskies– “I don’t give a shit,” Joe adds. Like you, Gasmii, Jacqueline is incredulous : “Before the cops got there?! What the hell’s wrong with you??!!” The truck was “destroyed”, Joe says– whadcha want me ta do, get back in it? Joe says “When they made me go in that amboo-lenz… I was freakin out.” I think he was afraid of getting a boner if a hot male paramedic took his temperature the hard way. “I was so scared,” Teresa tells us. “Ga’fuhbid anything happened to Joe. I don’t know what I woulda done.” It’s called working for a living. “Tank god” Teresa wasn’t with him, Joe says, even though her ear-splitting screechy yap would have kept him nice and alert.
“Yo, Tree… tell ‘em how many semestuhs’a community college you finished!”
Diner. Danielle sanctimoniously declares drunk driving “disgusting”, then makes it all about her by whining that Caroline didn’t have Joe and Teresa investigated when Dina and Jacqueline became friends with them– why me?! Because you’re a sainted Christian martyr. And, apparently, a psychotic porn queen who used to fuck gangsters. But Danny thinks it’s because Danielle wasn’t rich like the Jew-Dices were. “I had more money than ALL of them when I was married to my children’s father,” she boasts pathetically, then hilariously interviews that “anyone that puts out negativity, just can expect it to come back… Karma‘s a real big bitch.” People like Teresa should be “super-careful– it will catch you.” She tells Danny that she “will continue living in the love and light that they make fun of while their darkness rains upon them.” Um, that’s not what they’re making fun of. AND I really should stop this before Karma shows up and rips out my hair extensions.
Restaurant. Caroline and Jacqueline are meeting Teresa for lunch, and of course she’s late. Oh, here she comes. Caroline was right– she got tied up shopping for a new leather jacket. See, she left the house and decided she needed something on top of her purple titty-tank. How about turn your gas-guzzling pimp-wagon around, go back home, and put on something you ALREADY defrauded the credit card company out of? Oh, well, what’s another 400 bucks when you’re in debt for 11 million?
Teresa interviews that “it’s been a stressful time” since the car crash. They live in a small town and “everybody talks”… perhaps because you and your hideous family are the star assholes of a popular “reality” program? Just a thought. Anyway it’s a perfect segue to another thing that the catastrophically broke should avoid– a lavish getaway! Caroline agrees: “We should all just get up and go away.” I’m sure TV viewers with taste won’t argue with you there, Mommy Salami. Jacqueline and Caroline don’t want to be seen in their bathing suits, so “the Caribbean“‘s out. Teresa’s got it: How ’bout Italy? She and Joe both have parents from the same small town there (so I guess they aren’t brother and sister after all). Caroline needs to check with workaholic husband Albert. It would be “quite a sacrifice” for him to come, she tells us, her sad eyes belying a loneliness that’s a bit of a buzzkill. But nothing some champagne and Oreo tiramisu can’t cure. I’ll be right back.
“We need to go on vacation so we can drink in the middle of the day– oops!”
The Brownstone. That night, Caroline visits Albert at his office. “Do you love me?” she asks. “Yeeessss… what do you want?” Caroline tells him “as a joke” she suggested to Teresa and Jacqueline that they all go on vacation. And Teresa wants to go to Italy. Albert looks dyspeptic.
Villa Laurita. Jacqueline has dressed well-behaved 7-year-old CJ, Nicholas and herself in Italy-themed t-shirts. And in the baby’s case, matching sweatbands. She greets Chris with “Italian wine”, then makes the pitch. Chris looks constipated.
The Brownstone. “I don’t wanna go there with 18 kids runnin around, all crazy,” Albert tells Caroline. He wants it to be couples only. Like the key parties they used to have. Wait, sorry, I accidentally started recapping Swingtown. Which was forced off the air because CBS can make so much more money putting Big Brother on 3 nights a week.
Villa Foreclosa. Teresa tells the Goils that the trip is going to be “couples only”. “What?!” pouts 9-year-old aspiring actress Gia, too talentless to make even this one syllable convincing. Her sisters Gabriella, 5, aka The Pretty One, and Feral Lemur Baby Milania, 3, are much more effective, whining and Ugly-Crying like the spoiled little bitches they are. Just kidding! (I mean Teresa tells them she’s kidding. I think they’re spoiled bitches.)
Which remote activates the shock-collar?
The Brownstone. Caroline tells Albert that THEIR kids won’t be going on this proposed trip, and claims that she doesn’t know about Jacqueline’s and Teresa’s kids. You lying, huge-breasted hussy. She can’t keep a straight face and starts to laugh, but promises that she and Albert “will escape them” and find time together.
Villa Laurita. Jacqueline tells Chris that Ashley can’t go, but “maybe” they should bring “the little ones”. And Jacqueline’s parents. And “everyone can watch the kids”.
Villa Foreclosa. Teresa tells Joe she wants to bring both of their sets of parents, “because that’s where they were born”. “We’ll see,” he grunts. The last thing Joe wants is Teresa’s father catching him blowing a hot cabin boy and calling Joe a finoke.
The Brownstone. Caroline tries to sell the trip as “a step in the right direction you want me to take”, i.e. leaving their 20-something kids behind and doing something just the two of them. You’re reaching, mami. Albert suggests they go to a tropical island instead. Listen, Caroline says, patience straining like the top she’s wrangled her enormous cans into, she wants to travel with her brother to the motherland. Albert says she should bring her parents, too. Caroline says she’d love to give them this “great gift”. Albert says he’ll “watch everything here while you’re gone”, thinking this would be the perfect opportunity to audition interview a batch of shapely new waitresses. Caroline is not amused. (By him. She loves my blogs.)
Excellent practice for getting what she wants later in life.
Villa Foreclosa. Teresa tells the Goils “Daddy said we’ll see,” cuing a loud, painful display. “I beg of you!” one of them moans. Joe tells Feral Lemur they can go if she’ll pay for it. A real chip off the old block when it comes to financial responsibility, Milania agrees to bankroll the trip.
Villa Laurita. Chris tells Jacqueline he can use a break– they’ll go. Jacqueline is about to jump up and down, then rethinks shaking her massive tits– and the baby she’s holding– on-camera.
The Brownstone. Albert tells Caroline that he’s happy to go anywhere, as long as it’s with her. That’s why I keep you, she sweetly replies. Yes. That, and the money.
“Shaddappa you face or I gonna paddle you ass!”
Villa Foreclosa. Edith Bunker Teresa is shrieking “We’re leavin tomorrow!” to anyone who will listen. She tells us that her parents emigrated from Italy in 1971. Her mother was 4 months pregnant and “didn’t even know it”. Those kooky Catholic villagers! Then, 5 months later, voila (or, as Teresa pronounces it, “Wah-lah”), there Teresa was. Imagine her dad’s disappointment when the delivery room doctor pushed back all that lustrous black hair and told him “It’s a girl!” Teresa goes upstairs to help the Goils pack. Feral Lemur will be turning 4 on the trip. On their last trip to Italy, Teresa says she was pregnant and they were in Milan, and that’s how they came up with the name Milania. Bullshit, they named her after Donald Trump‘s latest wife. I’d bet my implants on it.
Feral is stuffing clothes into a suitcase when Teresa tells her that she’s already put the tot’s clothes aside in The Pretty One’s room. TPO starts putting Feral’s things back in the dresser and Milania freaks out and slaps her attractive big sis hard on the back! TPO starts sobbing. While Teresa is comforting Pretty, Feral takes the suitcase into the hall and drags it down the stairs, step by polished hardwood step. “On my STAAAAIRS!” Teresa shrieks. Bwahahaha!
What do you have to cry about?…
…Have you seen the hairline you almost inherited?!
Maison Manzo. Caroline tells Albert “it’s packin time”. Albert says he doesn’t pack. He’s on his iBook, checking the responses to the “waitress wanted” ad he placed on craigslist’s erotic services page. Caroline tells us she’s happy to be getting Albert all to herself on the trip “without a phone in his ear”. She better hope the cruise ship doesn’t have wireless. Albie and Chris appear and reassure their parents not to worry about leaving them behind– Lauren will make the beds. They warn their dad to treat Caroline right, “she’s a lady”. The boys start giggling like they just blazed up a few bong hits, then suggest that Albert take Princess Caroline to a ball. Speaking of balling, am I the only one who wouldn’t mind getting double-teamed by the Brothers Manzo?
I’m making a sandwich. Meet the bread!
Villa Laurita. Jacqueline packs and tells Ashley that she’s not allowed to have parties or “use this place as a love shack“. Ashley, who is only 19, and probably thinks B-52 is slang for some type of recreational prescription drug, acts offended at the notion. Jacqueline tells us Ashley is barred from the trip because she has to stay and work to pay the attorney defending her against the assault charges filed by Danielle, whom Ashley is supposed to keep far, far away from. She better hope Bravo keeps a camera-crew behind to baby-sit, because putting a troubled teen in charge of an empty mansion and all of its wine and liquor is like asking John Wayne Gacy to manage Justin Bieber.
Villa Foreclosa. The morning of the trip, dozens of Manzo-Lauritae arrive at Teresa’s, including Jacqueline’s mom Bonnie and Caroline and Chris’s parents Joe and Nettie. Teresa tells us 20 people will be traveling together, then brags that she has “one duffel bag full of hair extensions”. Caroline describes VF as “chaos”. Joe and the Goils are breakfasting on pizza. Just the thing for kiddies embarking on a 7-hour plane ride! Caroline interviews that they planned the trip “to get away from Crazy” but “they’re taking Crazy with us”. And his friends, Whiny, Greedy and of course Boozy– the adults are already guzzling the ever-present vino rosso. “What happens in Italy, stays in Italy,” Teresa idiotically toasts. Whatever, Cugina It.
Time to go to the airport. Caroline orders everyone to “pee-pee”. Teresa is yelling for the Goils when a loud crash echoes through the villa. “Oh, no!” Teresa screeches, racing to the third living room, where one of twin 6-foot vases lies shattered on the floor. “Mommy, it broke!” The Pretty One whines. Obviously, dipshit. Unfortunately, I didn’t spot a cocaine or gay porn stash amid the rubble. “Who did dat?!” Teresa snaps Pesci-esquely. Please, please let us see physical abuse…. But no. The culprit is Jacqui’s mom Bonnie, who mis-stepped and caromed into the tacky hair-loom (get it?), fatally toppling it. “It’s OK it’s OK it’s OK,” Teresa manically repeats, then interviews that it was “just a vase… a BEAUTIFUL vase.” That’s what you get when you give old people wine for breakfast. Jacqueline claims via interview to be super-embarrassed by her clumsy ma, but she doesn’t seem too upset as she scarfs pizza and wonders to Caroline if this is “a foreshadow” of things to come. It’s definitely a bad omen, and really tough luck for any tacky decorating enthusiasts who were planning to bid on the pair when the Jew-Dices auction off all their possessions this month. They better get the hell out of town before a bill collector shows up and impounds Tawdriana.
A DWI? This guy?!? Nah…
A Mercedes van will take them to Kennedy Airport. Joe brings three bottles of wine and thoughtfully remembers cups. “We’re going to Italy, I wanna hear some noise!” Teresa squeals en route, sounding a lot like Mary Ann from Brooklyn from The Howard Stern Show, but minus the charm. Yay. Salud. Shuddafuckup.
We don’t get to see any JFK terminal footage or airplane action, so we don’t know if anyone flew first-class, if Joe enjoyed his security pat-down, or how difficult it was to get Gabriella and Milania into their pet-carriers.
Venice. The plane didn’t crash, despite the prayers of whomever had to sit next to Feral. The group picks up their luggage, of which Teresa brought 8 or 9 pieces for herself. Caroline explains to us that they get one day, no nights, in the city before boarding a cruise ship to Naples. Then they’ll head for the hinterlands– Sala Consilina, the village that spawned both Juicy Joe and his lovely bride. They catch a bus into town and hit St. Mark’s Square. “Look how beauty-full!” Teresa caws, as Milania chases pigeons, but is sadly not fast enough to catch one in her teeth and feed on it. In her defense, the airlines HAVE cut way back on food since the days I was jetting back and forth across the pond as a teen model.
I lived in Feralo– I mean, Milano– for almost two years and I have to say Italy is the best country. I got to experience Europe just before it began to get overrun with Americans, when you could actually steal a few magical hours in Florence or Rome and not run into anyone loudly demanding directions to the nearest McDonald’s. Venice is probably the coolest city of them all, where you can lose yourself in a fever-dream of fog-shrouded streets, Gothic buildings, stone bridges and tightly winding staircases. Best of all, no cars means no terrifying Italian drivers! Like in Death Race 2000, I think the Italian government actually awards points to its citizens for how many pedestrians they kill.
The first hairline cracks in Caroline’s inexplicable infatuation with everything Teresa says, does and is start to show here. Yay! Caroline points out that people are tired from the flight, especially the over-70 set, but Teresa wants to go go go! Teresa is running the show today and first up on her agenda, “gundella rides”. “Venice is a town that’s made on water?” Teresa tells/asks us. If she was in 4th grade, she’d get a gold star for that. Teresa assigns people to several gundellas. She, Joe and the Goils, in ridiculous matching fur-hat-and-capette ensembles, are in the first one. As soon as they set sail, the yammering begins. “Hon, isn’t this ro-MAN-tic, wit owah tree dawwwters?!” He grunts non-committally, but does admit that “this is really amazing, the way this sh*t is. Their cars are boats ovuh here.” Before the end of the day, he and Teresa might have a whole Social Studies oral report between them.
Joe tells Feral to sit down before she falls in and “the sea-rats” get her. OK, maybe Teresa should work alone. Lemur of course ignores him and stands there slack-jawed like she’s waiting for someone to throw her a peanut. Jacqueline tells us that she liked the gondolas, but was devastated that the boatmen didn’t sing. “They sing to us at the Venetian Hotel” in Las Vegas, she points out, miffed. She’d probably also be upset that the real Eiffel Tower doesn’t have a Forever 21 across the street like the one at the Paris. Teresa tells still-standing Feral to do her “Fabulous” pose so Teresa can get photos to terrorize her Tweet followers with. Joe is in hell: “Tree, siddown wit dat crap awready!” and “I’m gonna trow up soon.” You and us both, right, Gasmii?
Sashay…Chantay… Kill may…
Caroline interviews that seeing her parents gliding through the canals of their ancestral homeland “made it all worth it”, no matter what she’s going to have to “endure” on the trip. Get back to us on that in a few days, honey.
Back on dry land– and next on Teresa’s to-do list: shopping! For some reason, she’s obsessed with finding the local Chanel store. She is one sick ticket, Gasmii. Drowning in debt, on the verge of moving her family of 6 into an apartment over a pizzeria, oblivious to Joe’s desire to sit down and eat (you’re in fucking ITALY, beeyotch!!!), she yanks 20 people along on a mad tear to find this store, which, as Caroline points out, “is on 57th Street in Manhattan.” ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND, MRS JEW-DICE?!?! Seriously, Teresa needs to be on Celebrity Rehab. She’s way more of an addict than anyone from Guns N Roses or Alice In Chains.
When they get there, Teresa is horrified to discover Chanel is closed. “They take lunch breaks and they leave the store! Who does that?! We don’t do that in Jersey,” Teresa indignantly interviews. Sorry, sweetie, no $600 hair clips for you today!
Desperately in need of a retail fix, Teresa ducks into the “jool-a-ree” store next door. Why not? When you can’t score some Vicodin, a couple of Ativan will do in a pinch. Teresa comes out with a massive “emerald green” ring. “At least I got to buy SOMETHING in Venice,” Junkie Jane Jew-Dice excitedly interviews. “It looks like a growth,” Joe remarks. LOL.
That’ll certainly spice up fisting time with Joe.
Mission semi-accomplished, the group hurries to catch a water-taxi to the cruise ship. Jacqueline tells us that she was “trying to take in these beautiful sights and all I heard was [ear-splintering Fran Drescher whine]: JOOOOOE! SPAAAAAANK ME, JOE!” Sure enough, there’s Teresa putting on a little bondage & discipline show for anyone within a 500-decibel radius. They arrive at the ship, a modest vessel the size of four city blocks. “It’s HUUUUUGE! Lookit it, guys! It’s bigger than THE TITANIC!” Teresa howls. Jacqueline wants her to “quit comparing it to the Titanic.” Yes, please… shutupshutupSHUTUP!
The boat is the Costa Deliziosa, or, roughly translated, the Deranged Cunt. The ship is hideously Trumpy and looks like a floating Russian whorehouse. “I feel like a hamster when I’m on a cruise ship,” Caroline tells us. “I don’t like the feeling of being trapped.” Bon Voyage!
When it’s time to shove off, everyone goes to the upper deck to say goodbye to Venice, which, I’m guessing, was extraordinarily relieved. Jacqueline interviews that the ages of the group members spanned a range of infants to oldsters, making me wonder just how resentful of children I’m going to be when I hit 70. Maybe by then they’ll have invented a process by which the essence of youth can be sucked out of annoying toddlers and transferred via IV directly into my spider-veins.
Chris Laurita makes a champagne toast, declaring the Jew-Dices and the Manzo-Lauritae are one family. “All one crazy, happy family,” Caroline drunkenly shouts. Just wait till your new brother Joe hits you up for a massive personal loan and we’ll see how cozy things get.
“I miss my workout buddy…”
Cigar Lounge. Chris and Joe order a couple of bromantic cocktails and have one those glaringly set-up chats that guys have on these Housewife shows. Somehow it just seems more natural for women and gays to be bitching their brains out. With straight guys, it’s just awkward and weird: Hey, s’up bud? You know, Snotty Twat X and Your Wife I Can’t Stand Y really have it in for Botox Titty Monster. Yeah, dude, it is what it is, you know what I’m saying, chief– X is just mean and jealous because BTM is an ex-teen model, but when she calls my kids out in the press, that’s a whole nother level, boss.
“I miss you, too, papi!”
In this case, Chris gets all junior high slumber party, griping that “Danielle is out of control.” Joe thinks she “got dropped on her head a few times when she was born.” Considering that her mother may have given birth in the restroom during a sock-hop, he could be right on the money. Chris says he doesn’t “like talking sh*t about nobody”, then amends that by saying Danielle is a nutcase and her lack of family and friends proves it. It’s not Jacqueline, it’s not Ashley, it’s HER. Chris points out that Jacqueline is a different person since they left, “she’s herself again,” having fun with Teresa and Caroline. Chris thinks this mass pleasure trip should be annual event. “F*ck it, twice a year,” Joe adds, apparently unfamiliar with Kinko’s vacation policy.
Ship spa. Caroline and Albert are getting massages together when Jacqueline and Chris sneak in for some hijinks. Jacqui shoos away the masseuse and begins to tickle and elbow Caroline’s pasty-white back. “Ees goot?” Jacqueline asks in a cute, offensive foreign accent. It’s fine, thank you, Caroline grunts, then interviews that it did NOT feel good but didn’t want to “insult the lady”. Jacqueline can’t hold it together and begins laughing uncontrollably, prompting Caroline to ask “Is that you, Jacqueline, you sicko?!” before Jacqui has a chance to finger her to full-release. Now that would have been funny. Especially if Caroline had said “Don’t stop– my husband wants to see me lez out with an Asian broad.”
Jew-Dice cabin. Teresa tells the Goils to put their bathing suits on so Caroline can take them swimming. Teresa tells us she wanted to give the grandparents “a break” from the little trolls, so “I asked Caroline and Al to babysit. I thought Joe and I could have some free time. In the bedroom.” We get it, he’s straight.
“Milania wants to know if the buffet has insects and tree sap.”
Breakfast buffet. Teresa delivers the Goils to Caroline and orders them to eat breakfast and “whatever Auntie Caroline and Uncle Al say, you listen.” Knowing full well a bribe must be included, Teresa promises them ice cream. Feral Lemur immediately starts in with the whining and the 3-going-on-4 dance, but Caroline reacts with surprising (and welcome) harshness, pointing her finger at Feral and barking “HEY! No screaming today!” Watch out– lemurs bite!
Auntie Caroline interviews that she sold Albert on the trip as a kid-free getaway for just the two of them, “so how did we get stuck babysitting?! Unbelievable!” Well, that’s Cugina It for you. Teresa tells us “If there’s anyone who can handle my daughters, it’s Caroline.” After this season airs, Child Protective Services may get a crack at it. With Teresa gone in a flash, Caroline seems to have them under control as they eat. Well, Milania has two bites before uttering a pouty “I’m full!” Caroline says they’re not finished– Albert’s getting juice. So we’re gonna wait till everybody’s done. “I’m the boss, right?” Caroline asks. “I want Mama,” Feral growls. Sorry, sweetie. Mama’s already got the strap-on halfway up Daddy’s ass by now. So sit quietly and “look out into the air”, as Dawn Davenport advised HER bratty daughter Taffy in the cult classic Female Trouble.
Dining room. Chris and Jacqueline arrive to take a private class with molto foxy chef Luigi. The Lauritae will be indulging their mutual love of cooking by learning how to make fresh pesto sauce. Jacqueline asks to borrow Luigi’s tall white hat, but unfortunately he doesn’t strip down any further, so this segment is a snooze. The chef grades their effort a 6 out of 10. Now I want pasta. And sex. Seriously, I’m single now, so if there are any single male Gasmii in the L.A. metroplex who look and cook like Luigi, hit me up on Facebook. The single and cooking parts are negotiable.
Come on… he’s at least a seven.
Pool. Albert and Caroline supervise the Goils’ swimming. They decide to move them to the hot tub and Caroline admonishes them not to “splash”, so The Pretty One does a cute little cannonball into the not-empty jacuzzi. Momentarily a stocky lady security guard shows up to tell them no one under 16 in the tub. With good reason. For many vacationing horny teens, those warm, firm jets are the only action they’re liable to get.
“Teen Zone”. As Caroline tells us there’s nothing to do on a ship with kids, she’s proven right when they locate the most pathetic hang-out space on the high seas: a jukebox and bean-bag furniture?! Actually, it sounds like a good place to get high, but there aren’t any teens doing X and smoking Quaalude-laced South African joints. What’s that? Why, yes, I did spend a winter teen modeling in Johannesburg. How’d you guess? Albert tries to make the best of it (and sublimate his feelings of rage) by dropping Milania into a giant bean-bag. “That wasn’t fun,” she mopes. Try getting thrown out of a tenth floor window, Feral– see if that gets the serotonin pumping. Jesus. Then the manipulative little lemur tells him to “do it again”. But she draws the line at tickling: “Stop do that, Albert!”
Caroline credits Al via interview for his good attitude with the kids. “Between the two of us, we make a pretty good team,” she tells us. The Goils retreat to a corner to draw and color. Then The Pretty One tries to stab Caroline in the face with a pen. How cool would it be for Caroline to put TPO and Feral over her knee and spank the hell out of them?!! Fuck Danielle’s birth mother (come on, who hasn’t)– THAT’S a season finale. And we know Teresa’s a spanking fan. Win-win. Caroline starts feeling warm and happy and asks the Goils if Albert “would be a good grampa.” Milania: No. OMFG. I hate her so, so much.
“Gia! We agreed to do this as a team! So open the goddamn window!”
Casino/bar. Teresa and Jacqueline have a Girls’ Night and immediately begin to drink heavily. According to Cugina It, the drinks are “awesome, I have to say.”
Piano bar. They move on to another watering hole, pausing to sample a tray of chocolates. To Jacqueline’s great amusement, Teresa likens a cluster to “2 balls and a little pee-pee.” Well, no one knows the testicle-shriveling side effects of rampant steroid abuse like Tree. “There’s nuts in the balls,” Teresa chortles. Hang it up, Kathy Griffin– Bravo has a new Queen of Comedy. Teresa and Jacqueline enter the piano bar, whooping and shimmying in a repugnant effort to draw all attention to themselves. “I don’t know how many drinks we had,” Teresa confesses to us, “but we were havin a good time, so of course we had to put a show on for the crowd.” By crowd she means three or four unlucky boozers and by show, Jacqueline shoving the professional pianist aside and performing what sound like selections from a 5-year-old’s first recital. Teresa is yowling encouragement from the mic, and quite possibly butchers a couple of Journey hits, but Bravo is of course too cheap to license them. The segment mercifully ends.
Jacqui and Teresa stagger through the ship, marveling at how cool it is not to have to drive themselves home. Teresa interviews that “Once you get Jacqueline and I together, we’re nothing but trouble.” Especially for those that respect grammar. Obviously bored out of their minds, they ride an elevator up and down while Jacqueline gyrates her ample caboose against the cold glass. They end up on the dark, deserted upper deck. This is how tourists end up drowning, by the way. Teresa says “I feel like the Titanic!” The difference is only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
“So, Jac… has yah husband evah screamed out a guy’s name while yah friggin wit his prostrate?”
Jew-Dice cabin. The next morning, Teresa gets the Goils up, wishing Milania a happy birthday. Feral wakes Joe, telling him she’s 4. Joe, brightening briefly at the realization that she’ll be out of the house in 14 years, sleepily cuddles her. “I’m planning this big birthday dinner for Milania,” Teresa tells us, “and she’s gonna be so excited to have this special night just for her.” Project much?
That night, the Jew-Dices make their way to “the private dining area”, which turns out to be full of total strangers, except for the very long table reserved for our group.
Laurita cabin. Jacqueline has apparently been in bed all day with an epically toxic hangover brought on by a lethal combo of mojitos, sea-sickness and, we can only assume, Teresa. Bleeecccchhh! With CJ crashed out next to her and the baby with his vase-slaying granny, Jacqui can’t pull it together for Feral’s 4th. Chris takes the bullet and goes solo “to represent”. Jacqueline says she’ll try to join him, but she’s not going anywhere. I know if I were her, I’d eat a pound of shrimp that had been festering in the sun for a week to get out of it.
Your nose isn’t just there for picking. You can breathe with it, too!
“Private” dining room. You can just picture those naughty tape editors rubbing their hands together with glee as Teresa interviews “Milania’ s SOOO excited” just before showing us the Jew-Dices arriving at the packed table and Feral Lemur instantly whining “I didn’t wanna get a eat party!” Teresa puts the bribe on the table, so to speak, by mentioning the cake that will come after dinner. “I just wanted to do everything in my power to make Milania feel special,” Teresa tells us, blissfully oblivious that this is exactly why this kid’s such a horror-show.
The Captain shows up to wish Feral a happy birthday. Shockingly, she manages to be civil and doesn’t throw breadsticks or sink her fangs into his ankle. Caroline asks Teresa’s father about the cuisine in his hometown. “The family make-a good food!” he assures her. Look, I’m not really one to talk. You should hear my Aunt Inmaculada try to order a pizza here. Teresa says her family reunion will be in the town of Sala Consilina and that she can’t wait to introduce Feral Lemur and Tawdriana to everyone. By the time the cake comes, The Pretty One and Feral are asleep in their chairs. It’s gorgeous, with a glistening top-coat of chocolate icing, surrounded by panettone slices, which Joe embarrassingly refers to as “potato chips”. Nice one, paisan.
Teresa shrilly prompts Milania to “Lookit yah cake!” Teresa interviews that “I was completely mortified,” as if she’s capable of feeling shame, and that Feral was fast asleep. Hardly. The little turd disappoints none of us, whining loudly: “I doan wannit!” and generally behaving like the fussiest, most charmless dingleberry to ever set cloven hoof on the Deranged Cunt. “I doan WANNIT!” Feral repeatedly squalls, not even deigning to open her enormous lemur-eyes.
OMFG! I would SO shake some sense into that.
Caroline asks about Naples and Teresa says it’s great, but you have to watch out for thieves, or “the mafioso“, as her dad colorfully puts it. “Dat I doan like,” Caroline quickly clarifies, lest of any of you think The Brownstone is some kind of Bada-Bing without the bare tits. If the group is lucky, maybe those thieves know a few kidnappers.
Laurita cabin. Jacqueline has made it out of bed, but is still feeling very woozy. “I couldn’t tell if the boat was swaying or it was my head” but her “whole equilibrium” was off. She goes back to bed. If you feel nauseated now, imagine having to endure Feral opening, then destroying, her birthday presents.
“Private” dining room. The conversation has turned to Jacqueline and how the real Jacqui is now back. “We lost Jacqueline for a little while,” Caroline tells everyone. “And then she had to deal with a lot of issues, emotionally”. So they’re basically blaming Danielle for Jacqueline’s behavior and Jacqueline for bringing Danielle into their jolly dysfunctional universe. Teresa says she “missed Jacqueline”, and “That’s who you wanna be around… people that make you laugh, make you happy…” So the opposite of your selfish, petulant, ungrateful kids. Caroline says the trip is “a blessing” and has the last word about all of them: “We’re not perfect, but we’re perfect for each other.” She might want to watch this season before making such a self-loathing statement…
NEXT WEEK: “Napoli, here we are!” Teresa shrieks. Like it couldn’t smell your perfume from the boat. At the family reunion, there’s a lot of kissing and feasting and drinking and Jersey ladies thanking god they live in a state with such cutting-edge mustache-removal technology. Danielle enlists the aid of a professional to find her biological mother. Slutty ex-teens of NJ, if you abandoned your baby during the Kennedy administration, get off the grid NOW. Feral and The Pretty One terrorize an entire bus:
Teresa tells Joe to shut up. Joe pushes strollers up steep village streets and tells Chris “This ain’t a f*ckin vacation.” You should have thought of that before you stuck it in, pal!