RHONJ – Garden State Goddesses

So were you all breathlessly awaiting this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey?   Barely able make it through the week wondering if Jacqee and Ashley would make up?  Would Ashley move to California?    Will she ever finish the Lauren Manzo Makeup Empire t-shirts?  Beauty school or art school? Fate or free will?

So many burning questions.

And we’ll get to them all, but first let’s stop to consider the fact that  Ashley – a 20 year old brat with no brains, personality and average at best looks has somehow become the “star” of this show.  Who is in charge of  this and why are they under the delusion that anyone on earth would possibly find this girl and her stupid life at all interesting?  The kid’s on the long, boring  road to nowhere.  A lost cause.  Wasted talent.  Well, if we’re using the word “talent” very, very loosely.  Caroline?  Care to crack open a fortune cookie and offer your take on the situation?

Put a fork in her and put her to work at the Brownstone.

So, we pick up right where we left off, Ashley fighting with all four pushover parents.   While Jacquee sobs outside and Chris tells her they’re ”done”, Real Dad is inside saying “Hi”.  Literally, after Jacquee goes running from the restaurant in tears, that’s all he’s got.  As a result of this stellar parenting, Ashley sits at the table and texts.

They lecture her some more and she ignores them some more.  Jacq continues with the histrionics out in the hallway, which is by far the most entertaining part of this.  She’s got the kind of sobbing going on that’s usually saved for Godfather movies and mafia funerals, complete with black sunglasses and a huge silver cross.  She mentions that Real Dad wasn’t around when Ash was little.  Inside, Stepmom says that when Ash lived with them, they had the same problems with her that Jacq and Chris do.

But we didn’t buy her a damn car.  Suckers.

Real Dad and Stepmom are literally begging Ash to go outside and apologize to her saintly, suffering mother and she refuses.  ”Do it for me,” says Real Dad, which is kind of an asshole thing to say.  I think this guy’s kind of a manipulator.  He wants to be the cool parent who also gets her to do what they want.  Sorry, but that rarely works out.  This dumbass is too stupid to help herself.  If she does anything ever in life it will be because you forced her or you paid for it.

Jacquee continues her rant outside.  Now she’s on “room and board”.  She tired of offering it for free. I wonder if she knows what room and board means, or if it’s just something she’s heard around.  Kind of sounds like the second one.  Real Dad finally successfully drags Ashley downstairs or outside or wherever Jacq has set up shop for her dramatic scene, but she’s still refusing to apologize because she doesn’t mean it.  Jacq hears this and isn’t having any of it. “I don’t need Daddy bringing her downstairs,” she snaps.  Then she tells Ash she’s tired of taking her abuse, and she should just go to California, where it should be very easy for her because she is child-free.  A well deserved smack down indeed, but how does that help things?

Her goose is still cooked.

So, what else happens…Ashley wants Jacq to go to therapy with her but then she complains that the last time they went to therapy together, Jacq just ended up becoming besties with the therapist.  Jacq tries to say that the therapist just agreed with her  which hardly made them best friends, but Ash seemed very convinced of some underhanded gossip conspiracy that Jacq and the therapist were having about her.  So I guess that’s the end of the therapy idea.

In the end, Chris tries to smooth everything over and convince Ash that her mother loves her and yes she made sacrifices for her, but all parents do – it doesn’t mean she thinks Ashley ruined her life.  Real Dad wanders around mumbling from time to time about how he just doesn’t “get” where all the anger toward Mom is coming from.  Stepmom just generally poses in a stepmotherly fashion – concerned, but not going to get her hair messed up over it.  Jacq just continues to sob and hiccup out another monologue.  This one’s about how she did all this work but now she doesn’t get to enjoy having a daughter.

And then finally, the party moves to the parking lot.  It is now nighttime.  This was one of the most brutal afternoons of my life and I wasn’t even there.  Everyone (except Ash) hugs goodbye and then everyone (except Ash) tells Jacq what a great mom she is.  Real Dad makes his exit with another vague , “I won’t put up with this shit.”  I wish he’d be more specific on exactly what shit he’ll no longer be putting up with.  It might help the situation.  Chris as usual is the firmest hand of the bunch.  He tells her if she wants to continue to live with them, she needs to follow his strict rules.

Sorry, but at this point I wouldn’t exactly be scared either.

Well, that dragged on forever.  What’s going on with the Wakiles?  We didn’t really see too much of them last week.  Kathy is puttering about her kitchen searching for martini glasses.  Her nerdy/slutty daughter is helping her.  Kathy’s having a “tasting party” of Middle Eastern food for all the ladies. It’s a preview of her new catering business.  She tells us about how it’s all about embracing the “inner goddess”.  Then she invites an “energist” over to smudge her house.  That’s when they take a stick of sage, light then end and wave it all around your house.  It gets rid of all the bad energy.  You can buy sage at your local hippie dippie store for like five bucks and wave it around your house yourself, but I bet you this energist is breaking the bank here in the suburbs.

Our energy is sequin encrusted.

The best part of this is Lebanese Dilbert popping up to tell us, “Richie Wakile doesn’t believe in black magic.”  He’s so tough. Don’t fuck with Richie Wakile, black magic. Don’t even get any ideas.  He supports his wife in her cooking and catering endeavor, but can’t help but insult Teresa in the process.  He says that Kathy will prove she can actually cook, while all Teresa did was put together a bunch of family recipes.  Well, I’m not Teresa fan, but her cookbooks seem to be selling pretty well, so perhaps people actually like them?  Is there no room for your wife’s martini glass bites and Teresa’s family cookbook in the same kitchen?  Eh, probably not.  I mean, hopefully not.

So because we haven’t seen enough of Ashley’s adventures in Loserville, let’s give that topic a little more attention.  Now, she is visiting world renowned businesswoman and general master of the universe, Lauren Manzo, who appears to have set up shop in at her parent’s dining room table. And she has her bitch face on.

“There’s an issue,” she tells Ash.  Newsflash.  The deadline is a week away, and Ashley has done nothing.  Ashley swears she will run home right now and whip up a sketch, but Lauren tells her it’s too late.  Ash makes a half assed attempt at changing Lauren’s mind, but when Lauren asks her if she’s even ordered the t-shirts yet, or has an idea how long it takes to have t-shirts printed and Ash sits there with a blank stare, she’s basically fired.

Lauren actually handles it pretty well.  She tells her she feels bad because Ash is her cousin and she wanted to help her.  It’s very sweet.  But all Ash can do is whine and complain about how “annoyed” she is over the whole thing, and how you know what come to think of it…she’s actually too “annoyed” to even do it.  Well, why the fuck did you offer to run right home and do a sketch?

I can’t deal with the fact that we are missing out on one of Melissa’s Central Jersey clubbing outfits over this.

Oh, and then we get to hear how Ash is “sooooooooo stressed”.  Apparently, all the not working and not going to school and partying all the time is really taking it’s toll.  Why is it always the people who do nothing all day long that are always telling you how stressed and busy they are?  She tells Lauren that she’s not talking to Jacq, and then she whines a little more about how they just think she’s a bad kid and she gets so much shit and it’s none of it her fault now, you hear?  Lauren flat out says she would have a black eye if she spoke to her parents the way Ash spoke to Jacqee.

Okay, finally let’s get to something scandalous – Teresa and her husband the Brown Smurf’s legal problems.  Oh, and I’d love to take credit for the Brown Smurf nickname, but it’s actually courtesy of my friend Adrina La Cerva.  Teresa might think she’s cornered the market on Italy with her marble house, but does she have an entire wall painted gold?  Adrina does.   Teresa says that she’s being asked a lot of questions about thier situation and she doesn’t know what to say.  So they go to see their lawyer.  Teresa dresses for the occasion in some old carpet from the 70′s that she stapled into a fur vest. Teresa is the Scarlett O’Hara of Franklin Lakes.

Here’s the legal situation – Brown Smurf was in business with a real estate agent.  Smurfy found the properties, paid everyone off in cash and then the real estate agent made a legit sale.  I’m of course speculating on the cash pay off part, but come on.  Anyway, at some point in this thing, Smurfy signed the partner’s name on some legal documents and now that the Guidi are about to lose everything anyway, the partner figured he’d jump on the bandwagon.  He’s suing Brown Smurf and Teresa for $260,000.

The good news, they are told, is that the lawyer was able to get Teresa off the lawsuit, so she’s not responsible.  Brown Smurf, however, is on the hook for the quarter mil.  And we get a classic Guidi explanation for all of this.  You see, the partner had asked Brown Smurf to sign his name so that’s just what he did.  He can’t prove it.  And court doesn’t believe him.  So when they tell him he has to pay the judgment, he genuinely does not understand why.  ”But I told the truth!” he says shaking his head, confusedly.

You know what bothers me most about Brown Smurf? No, not his man boobs or the paunchy bags under his eyes.  I mean, they make me want to vomit, but what really bothers me about this guy is that he’s one of those dumb people who thinks he’s smarter than everyone.  Oh, I’ll just say I got drunk after I wrapped my car around the tree, but right before the cops got there. Now he’s shaking his head and marveling at the fact that even though he told the truth, he still lost the case.  The fact that the thing he was honest about was committing fraud escapes him completely.  Teresa’s totally on board.  ”My husband didn’t do anything wrong, he told the truth,” she says defensively.

So what if he sold ‘em an acre of toxic dump?  He told the truth when ya busted him!

The lawyer, who really has a way with words, tells them that they are perceived as “spenders”, and something about their assets going to sale being deeded back to Teresa.  I don’t know if that means she’s getting her furniture back or not.  She tells us she wasn’t mad at him. Then she tells us that her Jewish friends said they would have divorced Brown Smurf in a second. I don’t know what religion has to do with it but I would think most women with a functioning brain cell or two –   well, probably wouldn’t have married him in the first place, but yes, if he bankrupted their family and then involved them in fraud, would probably consider getting the fuck out.

The next day, the Guidi lawsuit has hit the papers and all of Franklin Lakes has gathered around like in olden times to read the news.

Olden times.  Sad, but true.

Melissa peeks out from behind the huge feather taking up her whole right shoulder and tells us she feels terrible about it.  She waves a plastic, rhinestone encrusted cuff in the air to make her point.  Although, given these people’s taste, it might have been an actual diamond encrusted plastic cuff.  Of course, you know she’s full of shit and loving every minute of the Guidi demise.

I’m devastated.  It’s killin’ me.

Over at Jacq and Caroline’s coffee talk, Caroline is saying that Brown Smurf didn’t feel like he did anything wrong, but the legal system did.

Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

Well, time for Kathy’s goddess party.  She says that her party is going to be exotic.  Mel shows up and says  Kathy makes love to the food.  Lebanese Dilbert makes an appearance to say that they need to perform an exorcism on Teresa while she’s there.  The nerdy slutty daughter comes around, true to form, decked out in a hot pink warmup suit just like my  neighbor who’s a stripper wears,.  Then  she informs us that she will be staying home that Friday night to study.   She says “no mini-goddesses” are allowed at the party.

It’s cool. I’m gonna sneak my boyfriend in for a quickie while you old bags are eating hummus.

Mel isn’t sitting there for five minutes before she starts filling Kathy in on the Playdate of Doom, and how Teresa says that Lebanese Dilbert’s problem with her is that he’s got the hots for her. She says all this in front of the slutty nerd, which is kind of gross and inappropriate gossip for a teenager no matter how many cowgirl whore photo shoot they’ve done.  Kathy just says that she’s learning not to be offended by anything Teresa says anymore, but she also makes sure to inform us that Teresa is “cuckoo”.  Complete with cuckoo clock noises.

In the Manzo’s car, Caroline and Lauren are talking about Jacq and  Ash. Caroline tells us if it was her kid, they’d still have ice on their lip  Lauren had alluded to a black eye, but whatever works I guess. Jacqee gets in the car and says how excited Teresa seemed for the tasting at Kathy’s.  I can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic, but I would probably guess yes.

At the goddess party, Kathy comes downstairs in a flowy white shirt.  Mel tells us that she dressed up like an “edgy goddess” for the party.  An edgy goddess that we picked up on the side of Route 9 after the Rock of Love bus pulled away.

Kathy, Mel, Jacq and the Manzos drink what looks like Chambord and champagne while they wait for Teresa, who is typically late but don’t worry, it was all Milania’s fault.  Kathy starts telling them about middle eastern food, and it does look amazing.  Everyone is impressed.  Lauren says it’s Brownstone approved.

Better be. Why do you think I invited you?

Slutty nerd mini-goddess Vic prances downstairs and makes sure to enforce her cover story of “studying”.  Jacq is shocked that she is staying home studying on a Friday night.  ”Evidently, things are a little different in Kathy’s house,” she says.  Yeah. Kind of seems like Kat goes with the actual parenting thing over just buying her kids stuff.  Something tells me Lebanese Dilbert isn’t buying this kid a car until she’s twenty-five.  When she will undoubtedly still be a virgin.

Jacqee catches the group up on the failed intervention, because Lord knows, we haven’t focused enough attention on this issue yet.  She recaps everything, including a dramatic buildup to the “at least I didn’t have a kid at twenty” insult.  Jacq says she learned in therapy to not engage and walk away, but Caroline tells her she needs to be old school and kick her ass.

How do you say ‘knock some sense into her’ in fortune cookie talk?

Teresa finally shows up, and doesn’t bother excusing herself, just informs them that they have a “Norwegian” headed their way.

Like, a big guy.  From Norwegia.

They finally figure out that she means “Noreaster”, and that a storm’s headed their way.  Then they talk about the weather.  I can’t help but notice the tension between Teresa and now, everybody. Even the Manzos and Jacq, who just at the beginning of the season were throwing down for Teresa, are now chatting with her about the weather.

They start eating out of the little martini glasses and the food looks amazing!  Kathy should totally cater the next TVGasm event!  Just kidding, we don’t have events.  But every once in a while Flippy buys us drinks at the gay bar.  So all the ladies are really enjoying the food…all except, you guessed it, Teresa.  And what’s her problem?  Well, the food was displayed and not being passed by naked men on roller skates, or some shit like that.  Keep in mind this ho doesn’t even have a kitchen table to serve on, but she’s got a problem with Kathy’s set up.  ”Let’s just say I would have done it differently,” she says smugly. Really, how so?  Enslaved your kids and had them pass your mothers food around on paper plates?

Then it’s time for Kathy to really tie the goddess theme in.  She gives everyone a bracelet and sucks up to each of them.  Jacq always finds the light in any situation.  Caroline is wise and authentic.  These are Kathy’s opinions, not mine, okay? Mel’s talented and a great Mom.

(on display, on display, on display)

And Teresa has the ability to put a smile on her face when things are crazy.  Which is actually a compliment, but Teresa doesn’t get it.  ”What is she trying to say, that when times are rough I put a smile on my face?” she says accusingly.  Yes.  Not only is that what she’s trying to say, but what she actually did say.

How dare she accuse me of having a positive attitude!  That bitch.

Caroline accepts Kathy’s offering of Middle Eastern food and sucking up and tells her, in front of Teresa, that she’s sorry for not giving her more of a chance at first.  Then she tells Kathy that she agrees with Albert that she should ditch the restaurant idea and become a caterer.  Teresa very maturely interrupts the goddess-eque you go girl on your catering business session to inform the group that actually she will be opening a restaurant. Caroline politely tells her it’s hard work and not at all glamourous.

Not trying to start shit or anything, but Kathy have you considered doing a cookbook?

So we know Teresa is mean and immature and stupid and rude and she exemplifies all these things when she starts complaining about Kathy’s food in the middle of the tasting.  There’s a lot of parsley, she say, and Italians don’t put parsley in their salad, they put it in their sauce.  So she can’t eat sthis.  The taste is too “grassy” for her.  ”I can’t believe I just ate that,” she exclaims dramatically when she manages to ingest a bite.  I’m sorry, so you have sex with the Brown Smurf, but you won’t eat parsley?

On a side note – I’m sure you saw all the same commercials on the new pasta filled train to Jersey – The Marinos.  They say something about being “thicker than water”.

It’s not water – it’s theives!  Thick as theives!!!

And my point here, is that Bravo is now ripping off itself.

Back to the goddess tasting party, Teresa is not telling the ladies about her legal situation.  She says she’s not sure what they’ve heard, but her and Brown Smurf are very happy with the decision, and they’re moving forward, and on that topic, what the hell were Melissa and Kathy doing hanging out with Kim G.?  It happens so fast it takes me a moment to figure out what she’s even talking about.

But soon enough, it’s a grand shouting match!  Melissa is saying that they hadn’t been talking “in years” when she befriended Kim G., and Teresa attacks her for saying that it had been that long since they had spoken.  She is infuriated that Mel would suggest that time had gone by without them speaking.  Melissa tries to deflect, but Teresa returns with a, “Hello, I’m speaking to you!”

This Kim G. fight is great – that sad ho always brings some good drama to Franklin Lakes.  Melissa says that the sea hag would try and talk shit on Teresa but Melissa wouldn’t have it.  She says.  Teresa wonders why all of the sudden did Kim G. seek out Melissa to be friends?  Well, Teresa, I don’t know how to appeal to what your peabrain calls logic, but I’m just going to try…you’re all on a TV show together.  And you’re supposed to be doing obnoxious stuff like making friends with your sister’s enemy.  This is what you signed up for.  It is.  Watching you make cavatelli isn’t really all that exciting.

Caroline suggest to her new minion Kathy that they change the mood.  And Kathy, a smart host who knew she might need to lighten the mood, just so happens to have a belly dancer on standby.  Of course Teresa has a problem with this too.  She “doesn’t see the fit.  Is that supposed to turn me on or somethin’?” is all she can say.

I mean, if she was at least servin’ me somethin’.

But at least the rest of the ladies are having fun.  Well, except the boring Manzos, of course.  If it’s not a household chore or trip to the gym, they’re not interested.  They sit on the sofa and Lauren takes pictures of everyone else “for blackmail”.  Neither she nor Caroline, however, has anything to say to Teresa, a few feet away from them on the sofa.

She made her bed, now she has to lie in it.

Finally, things are getting a little interesting!  But we have to revert back to Ashley.  She’s being nice to her parents, sort of.  She’s being really sweet to her brothers.  She’s telling them that most people her age go to college and she never did that.  But hold the phone on that one because Jacquee is sitting there in a side ponytail.  A pouffy one.  Like that’s just a normal way to be.  Please tell me there’s a headband around her forehead involved.

Can we take a time out and talk about bringing the side pony back?

So back to Ash, she’s telling the little brother that when she goes away to college, he can come visit her in her house.  ”Her house?” wonders Jacq.  Then she tells us that she doesn’t want her boys to see all this dysfunction, so it’s best that Ash is moving out.

Over it.

And then, all hell breaks loose.  I don’t even know what it is that sets these people off anymore.  All I know is that suddenly Ash is yelling at Jacq that the whole California move was her idea in the first place, and Jacq says she’s crazy and then Ash calls her a bitch.

How is only one of you aware that this is an “oh, shit” moment?

And what do they do in reaction to this?  ”Watch your mouth,” says Chris.  I get that he can’t hit her – he’d probs go to jail.  But Jacq?  Now’s the time.  But Jacq just tells her that if she has the money to move out in two months, then she should just go now.  Ash whines that she actually doesn’t have the money to move out or do anything else, to which Chris points out is not his or Jacqee’s fault.

The fighting continues, Jacq goes in some other room with the little kids, Ash goes upstairs to bitch some more…only this time Chris follows her and tells her to get out.  Now.  And we all know they’ll backtrack by next Sunday’s episode so let’s just enjoy the moment.

Okay, moving on.  Even though this is the end of the episode, I have to share this that Flippy sent me yesterday.  Apparantly, Ash has gone through some ch-ch-changes since this was filmed.  Way off yonder, five months ago.  But anyway, she’s written no less than a manifesto of her changes.  If you’re stuck on a long line somewhere, you might want to check it out.  http://www.celebuzz.com/2011-08-22/exclusive-rhonj-ashlee-holmes-talks-family-drama-death-threats/

There’s two highlights.  One, Ash tells us that she agrees we are seeing her at her brattiest, but we shouldn’t judge because she’s having to grow up on camera.  Like it’s a duty she has, and we should be grateful to her for enduring it.  Two, she tells us that she is moving into her own apartment in LA. and the way she talks, it sounds like it’s not a rental.  Then she tells us she did it all on her own.

So all I have to wonder is in five months, you managed to find a job, save up enough money and build up enough perfect credit to purchase real estate?  In California? Also on tap for Ashley, who as far as we know still has not locked down that whole wake before noon and be productive thing, are a book, a clothing line and a website.

We know all about her newfound independence  because of the deep and heartfelt message below.  Written expressly for Ashley by Amber James.

Learning and growing more and more each day!  Right, Ash?  I mean,  Amber?