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So sad. The intros start and no Dina. It’s no secret that she was my favorite. Her Witchypoo ways will be missed. Maybe when Lexi grows up, Miss Andy will give them their own show. I’d love to watch them ham it up in a curiosity shoppe that sells ladybug buddha dolls and somnambulist pillow sachets to the unsuspecting public, turning Franklin Lakes into one giant bedroom community for real.
The world would be a better place.
I was surprised by one thing in these two shows, and appalled by another. Poor Albie has a big problem with law school, and Teresa? I’m no longer shocked at the predictable display of gluttony by our resident indolent indigent brutes. I’m sure the Giudice’s creditors are going to get a real kick out of the tacky house warming party they threw for themselves.
Some guy worked his whole life cutting stone so they can show off and then he has to borrow money to make his own house payment, because the Giudice’s found a way around the system and won’t pay him. I’m sure that he’s probably giddy with joy watching this. And he is watching. You know it. I’m getting physically ill reliving it, myself.
The girls are feeling the absence of Dina too as Caroline and Jacqueline sit in yet another restaurant waiting AGAIN for a late Teresa. I wonder if they tried that old trick on her yet. The one where you say that lunch starts a half hour earlier than it really does in the hopes that they make it there on time. It worked on my sister. Sadly, my niece told her what was up and it never worked again. She did get the point, though, and shaved a good 15 minutes off of her lateness.
But unlike my sister, Teresa’s a simpleton. If they want her to be on time to anything, they’re going to have to call Juicy and have him club her over the head and drag her by the hair to the car. I’m not familiar with how loutish anthropoids deal with these things, but maybe he could throw a bunch of bananas into the front seat and then lock her out of the house.
Or chase her out of the house with a picture of Danielle’s boobs. Those scary wonky titties are at the doctor’s office getting appraised. It turns out that they are worth the equivalent of an 8th grade woodshop cutting board and some used chewing gum, which is what I assume they are made of.
Here’s the report and Good God! Danielle has had three surgeries on them and a staph infection. For once she doesn’t sound like someone from the cast of a three penny opera when she tells us that she deals with the pain from them on a daily basis. THIS time I believe she’s sincere. How scary to have a part of you that is always cold and hard and hideous to look at, and the flesh surrounding them?
It looks like Grandma Wrinkles’ skin after she was left out in the sun for five months.
The doctor takes pictures of her chest and tells her that they are going to have to bring a revision specialist in on this operation, they’re so fubar. Gee, I bet that’s expensive.
But tits before school supplies.
I would really like to know who is paying for all of this. We all know by now that most of these women don’t have real money, and 30 grand from Bravo won’t cover the newsboy caps on this show, let alone Danielle’s bills. Do you think they worked out an arrangement? Maybe the doctor gave her half off because of the television exposure, or maybe he goes pro bono for the really fucked up cases.
At least we don’t have to worry too much about Caroline’s family. I’m sure that Lauren’s cosmetology school is being paid for by her parents and I’m happy to see a girl on this franchise with some aspirations that don’t involve ripping off other people’s cookbooks or shilling t-shirts with hokey dated sayings on them.
It’s ‘avante garde’ day at the make-up college and Lauren’s partner has turned her face into a canvas perfectly suited for a Halloween party or a Frankenstein themed pictorial in an 1985 issue of Hair Show. Not sure whether either of them are talented since this stuff is so over the top
but they could always get jobs at a funeral home.
Somebody has to put blusher on Aunt Trudy’s cheeks after she’s knitted her last shawl and shuffled off this mortal coil. It might as well be Lauren. She and Christopher could open the first car wash/mortuary/strip club. It makes perfect sense if these people are as connected as they want us to believe.
Here’s how it will go- Somebody makes the hit, gets Chris to wash the blood out of the car, Lauren can hide the bullet holes under pancake foundation and then the whole crew goes into the next room for some bada-bing. Everybody’s happy!
Lauren doesn’t do a bad job on her friend, but I kinda expect her to start belting out Love Is A Battlefield, though.
Punk is so avante garde, Gasmii! She needs to give Gia back her collar and leash, though.
Caroline shows up and cries because Lauren is about to graduate and succeed at something other than flinging ham and wielding a steamer on ivory sateen. I watch the flashback to last year when Caroline and Albert told her to get motivated and DO something and it’s refreshing to see. Thank goodness one of these women knows how to parent.
I guess that some people are just better equipped, or they wait until they are older and less likely to be selfish and stupid. That’s not the case with Jacqueline who is meeting with Ashley to discuss her behavior at the card game.
Ashley waltzes into the house with those damn sweatpants and hideous knit hat on. Doesn’t she know that she’s being filmed for TV? I’ve seen more attention to appearance from my grandma when all she was doing that day was alphabetizing seeds for her garden and waiting for Murder She Wrote to come on.
Ashley might as well slap on a housecoat and a Poise pantyliner for all the exuberance of youth she shows. If I look hard enough, I bet I could find some of my nona’s old stockings she can borrow and roll down into her Rockport ProWalkers on really hot days. Or how about one of those old douchebags that look like hot water bottles?
You can hang it over the shower curtain rod along with your ambition.
Chris tells her that she ruined his homo-erotic poker party and she says that she was embarrassed by her behavior, even apologizing to her tearful mommy. Yeah, right. It’s all a ploy because she wants to move back home, as she does later in this episode. They tell her to be more respectful in the future as they rub their hands in unison. Help me out, Gasmii sign language readers. Are they in synch
or did they catch something from Danielle at the petting zoo?
Elvira is a party planner. She is also an asshole. That is why I am glad she is paying a visit to Teresa. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer person.
She’s there to organize the Giudice’s housewarming party. If only it were as doomed as the Curtain housewarming in the O.C. It’s not, at least not yet, and Elvira nitpicks every little thing she finds wrong with Teresa and her house as subtly as a sledgehammer. That’s what it takes to get through to a backwards babboon, so no harm, no foul.
First of all, Teresa brags about how her home is spotless and how she does it all by herself with no ‘live-ins,’ just “me, myself and I.”
She is so full of shit.
She can’t afford any hired help so she guilts her basement dwelling mama into doing it. Why is she so pathological about claiming to be a stay at home superwoman? It has to be ingrained, like it is with so many gals in so many shitty macho households. I’m also guessing that it’s how she justifies her spending to her pygmy warthog husband. “I worked all day, I deserve this dye-mun encrusted hairbrush, an’ the match-in’ mirra.”
Oy, the mirra. We’ll get to that latah.
Elvira is shocked that she doesn’t have nannies and a driver and a maid and all that other stuff rich people need in order to have enough time for the really important things, like throwing frivolous parties and trying to get on reality shows. SHE sure does.
Too bad you left out those hair and make-up people.
She tells Teresa to get some help, and then they head out to the backyard where Elvira gives her more grief for not having a pool. Teresa’s excuse is that they have a shore house. Not now, you don’t! The bank took it, waaaah! Aw fuck. NOW where is Juicy gonna roofie succulent naive shore boys?
I guess he’ll just have to keep throwing that Situation mask over your face.
Elvira bugs her some more about getting help, then scoffs at the fact that they don’t even own a doormat. I’m willing to bet that nobody ever goes out to the backyard unless they have to fetch one of their troll babies out of a tree. And don’t worry about those frisky little scamp daughters of yours, Teresa. It’s no use, you can’t fight natural instincts.
I’m also willing to bet that they had a pool all picked out but no one would build it after word spread that they were deadbeats. Now the empty yard serves as a reminder of their opulent poverty. Oh well, at least they don’t have to worry about any Bellino style baby carriage accidents. Or can orangutans swim at birth? I need to brush up on my biology.
They go inside to take a look at the great room where Elvira is going to build Teresa a nightclub. It’s still as empty and pathetic as ever, a sure sign of living beyond your means.
But those wall sconces sure are nice. For a two star basement restaurant.
Don’t build it if you can’t fill it up. That’s how most people I know operate.
I am familiar with the Italian tradition of only buying what you are going to keep forever. You know, not picking up a cheap futon that you’re going to replace with a bed when you can afford it. That was from when our culture wasn’t so steeped expendable things, not to mention living in more modest houses.
I don’t think that the Giudice’s can use that excuse, not by a long shot. Didn’t the couches cost five figures? And they never sit in them! What the? They could have filled the whole room up with some decent stuff from Macy’s and Ikea.
Elvira continues her sniping, now with Teresa’s heavy front door gates of hell, which Teresa closes on her as she’s talking. I would have thrown that woman out after the pool remarks. Why didn’t Teresa? She must have gotten a ‘Bravo discount,’ as I like to call it. I don’t remember Elvira being listed along with the other bankruptcy creditors. Maybe Teresa had to pay up-front, and pulled some hundreds out of her hair for the down payment.
I bet they still have cash lying around. They just hide it now, preferring to rack up credit card bills that they have no intention of paying. It’s almost as disgusting as this next part is sad. Albie has ADD. Because of it, he couldn’t keep up in law school and they didn’t invite him back for a second semester. It’s weird. He had something like a 1.923 and he needed a 2.0.
He attended Seton Hall and I will hazard a guess as to why he was kicked out so quickly. The school probably knew of his sub-par learning disabled grades and LSATs and allowed him to attend on a probationary basis. He didn’t make the cut. A GUESS, people, just a guess.
He tells Caroline that the school (probably his dean) told him that perhaps he wasn’t cut out for law school. Maybe he should try something he doesn’t have to work three times as hard as everyone else to achieve.
This gets Caroline’s ire up and she gives him an uplifting mama bear speech about fighting hard for what you want and not allowing people to get you down. All well and good except for the fact that he had a chance and blew it. Now is the time to apply to a school that is not so picky. You can’t MAKE a university re-enroll you.
Unless you sue, and what a waste of time! Suck it up and move on.
Wow, was he sweating bullets. I don’t think he was too happy to be on TV admitting all that. he seems shamed by it. Ugh.
Sad head cock. Time for a sip of my Margarita. Shoot, I’m outta salt. Lend me some of those tears, eh, Manzo?
Later on, Al Senior says if Albie can’t survive this, then he doesn’t deserve to be a lawyer, all tough love-like. I’m all for it but how about actually discussing options and facts? I can’t really say anything else until I know what’s going on. He could do one thing, though. He could always send Juicy to South Orange to blow the dean.
He’s going to want some release after he sees his wife at Posche. What a dumb name, by the way. Not Porsche. Not Posh. Posche. What are the extra e and c for? I’m going to guess excessive and consumerist, and move on.
She and Jacqueline are shopping for some smart new duds to fit their baby busted bodies, bills be damned! Kim’s must be the only shoppe that caters to bankrupt ladies from reality shows, and she probably snorts up all her profits before closing one eye and picking out numbers Keno-style when she’s tallying up the sales at day’s end. So, who cares?
Talk inevitable turns to Danielle and Teresa gives Kim shit for going to the ladylike luncheon after her boyfriend said that she was a pig. Kim tells her that her decisions do not revolve around her boyfriend’s opinions, thankyouverymuch, so stick a sock in it, chinchilla chippy!
Psst, any unpaid subcontractors out there, I think this coat belongs to YOU.
Yep, she bought that. What do you think it cost? I’ll guess more than Gia’s party but less than Juicy spends in a month on gay porn.
Have you ever been to an Adult Mart? That stuff is not cheap! I’m scared to tell you what Mr. McSlore and I spent there last month. Let’s just say that I’ve had to cut back on the fine joorey lately, but not the booze. Heaven FORBID.
Kim tries to explain to Teresa that she went to Danielle’s party because Danielle is a customer, and that’s what you do. It’s called quid pro quo, Last of the Great Thinkers. Why do you think she’s going to YOUR stupid party? Reciprocity, and being on TV, of course.
And here comes another one. Sue, the owner of Diesel, Danielle’s future husband, is getting in her valuable air time by escorting old snitchypoo to the surgery center. She’s getting her new knockers today, and they’re going to be nice and symmetrical instead of looking like Frank Stella designed them.
She’s a bit woozy and the doctor jokes that these new implants will have a lifetime warranty. Great. She won’t have to come back to a plastic surgeon in a long, long time, especially since, as Danielle says, “mother nature has been very good to me.”
So you were born that beautiful?
That’s like the elephant man pointing at his facial deformities and going, “This? Oh, it’s just a pimple.” Speaking of deformities, they put her under and the specialist says that hers are the worst he’s ever seen. Give this man Leather’s number, pronto!
Nice sign too. I suppose with all the deadbeat grifters around they can’t afford new neon, or maybe the sign got a peek at Danielle’s tits and broke. Does Teresa live around there? I wonder if Milania got out of her cage again and threw rocks at it.
Good aim, lemur baby! now, go join the circus already so mama can pay her bills.
It’s sushi time for the Manzo’s and Albie is still feeling sorry for himself. Somebody came into the Brownnose and told Christopher that he was better looking. It was Danny so it doesn’t count, but Albie takes the news terribly hard. It gets worse. Much worse. Christopher is Al Senior’s favorite now! What’s a poor flunky to do?
I don’t know, take some adderall? Isn’t that what it’s for? Poor Albie. He’s got that oldest child chip on his shoulder. A lot is expected of him and he has to set an example while Christopher runs amok and Lauren fucks his best friend. Damn. Life is sucking HARD for him right now.
Things are upside down in his world, so let’s cheer him up with something as predictable as a Caroline head cock- Teresa’s lateness! She’s meeting Elvira at a party furniture warehouse and it isn’t her fault she didn’t make it on time! Gabriella had a late day at the organ grinder’s! People just don’t understand, sheesh.
The furniture looks like something Liberace jizzed out after humping King Tut’s tomb, so of course Teresa loves it. It couldn’t be any tackier if it was embossed with that very word. The entire town of Vegas is shuddering and Bobby Trendy is wondering how he can turn the chair into a cape.
But WHATEVER. We’re all just jealous, Teresa. Yeah, that’s it.
It’s time to set up the party and this Elvira person is fucking obnoxious. Unreal. She stands in the great Room with two assistants and than orders them to get off the floor because their presence is making it hard for her to think.
Were they there when you got dressed this morning too?
What a hellacious outfit! What is this, Casual Corner circa 1992? Not even. I’m going with 1989. Who wears sherbert colored leggings with a floral blouse, other than poverty stricken South American housekeepers? Is she stealing from her live-in? And will someone please knock that vase over. Unless Teresa is planning on planting Audrey II in it, it’s got to go.
Teresa runs off to get her hair done after Elvira dismisses her with a, “what do I need you for?” She promptly gets on the phone with Jacqueline who passes on a treacly disingenuous text that Eve sent to her in the hopes of getting invited. Teresa tells her that she can come even though she’s friends with Danielle because she (Teresa) is a nice person.
Yikes! It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.
She asks her hairdresser, “Ain’t I a nice person?” and gets the least enthusiastic “yes” she’s heard since she asked Juicy that morning if he was happy with her blow job skills.
This party is obnoxious. Jacqueline arrives and says that it’s very Hollywood, probably because of the red carpet and the Disneyland haunted house accoutrements.
Red carpet doesn’t mean shit anymore, unless it’s at the Oscars. Jill Zarin and Tila Tequila do red carpets. Need I say more? Okay, even Tamra Barney had one for her daughter before she lost her house. Nuff said.
Juicy and Teresa are upstairs putting the finishing touches on their respective outfits. She is dressed to match the furniture and he pulled out his best figure skating blouse in honor of this illustrious occasion.
“Whut, you wanna twirl again, Juicy? Okay, but I refuse tuh wear duh Johnny Weir mask dis time.”
And look! Elvira gave them a funhouse mirror from an old boardwalk penny arcade. Is it supposed to make him look taller?
Cuz I’m going to go with wider.
What the fuck was that? Is Teresa’s ass so big that they had to order the Kardashian special from the Louis IV collection at Crate and Barrel? Or did it fall off a truck outside of Versaille? I have SO many questions.
How did they get it into the house? How do you even make a mirror that big, is it all one surface or do they use panels? If you step into it, will you meet Tim Curry dressed as Satan on the other side? Who wakes up one day and thinks, “I want a mirra the size of a Buick.” GOOD GOD. It’s still not big enough for all the Lohan’s to do coke off of, though. You’re going to need a couple more for that.
And all that hoopla just to make the great room look like a low rent club on West 6th. You Clevelanders know what I’m talking about. For all of the rest of my Gasmii babies, it’s basically the equivalent of a Chucky Cheese after dark. Only with more cheese. And more up-chucking.
They show a nice long shot of the room from above and I look around but can’t find Nona and Papa anywhere. They must be downstairs guarding the cages again. They added the extra swank touch of dressing waitresses up like Playboy bunnies. Do they have any idea that even Playboy mansion parties are completely passe? I’ve seen better dressed chicks in the movie Gummo.
What a hypocrite. She bashes Danielle for being a whore and then hires women to dress as sexist icons. It’s dumb, and which is it? I thought this was supposed to be a Studio 54 retread. Not even close.
Elvira runs up and compares the decor to being at The Bellagio. Those must have been some good mushrooms she took last time she went out there. I want some of those. For medicinal purposes, naturally. I have a tick that can only be fixed by hallucinating red and green trails and seeing who will blink first, me or the dog.
Eve is there. She took her Geritol and made sure her hearing aide has brand new batteries in it, so as not to miss a word of juicy gossip. She speaks to Jacqueline for a second with Caroline standing behind her making faces and rolling her sleeves up and down like she wants to hit her with a baseball bat and then throw her in the trunk of Bernie Kerik’s car.
That car wash/funeral home/strip club is looking better and better, isn’t it?
Eve came with Posche Kim and lets the entire room know that they shared an entire bottle of wine before they got there. Next thing you know, they are drinking from the same martini glass.
Tastes like Efferdent and duck fat.
You know it does. Have you seen Kim’s lips? She’s got an entire canard stuffed in there. Only weirdly not in the lips. In that spot between the upper lip and her nose. It’s practically the size of K-2. I don’t know how the entire glass doesn’t disappear under there, and here’s hoping that Eve’s teeth don’t fall into the glass. Awk-ward!
Juicy and Teresa dance like they’re at prom and Ashley calls him precious. Then a breakdancer dressed like a guy from Chippendales takes the floor. The guy is cut. I didn’t get to see a close-up but I heard that Juicy couldn’t get the Old Spice guy, so he went with this instead.
Invisible escalator, GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
Just in case you creditors were too busy puking in your non-marble and onyx bathrooms, next up is a fire breather. Indoors. Brilliant. How high are their ceilings? I sure hope that Milania is still climbing all over the place. Somebody’s going to need to get up there and clean the soot.
Don’t look so scared, ladies. He’s just practicing for Juicy later.
Toast time. I have to hand it to Teresa. She doesn’t disappoint. She SUCKS. She calls up Carolina and Jacqueline and then says that they’re the best. How witty. How clever. When you have a way with words like she does, a byline at the Atlantic Monthly is just around the corner. Maybe she should help Albie with his homework, huh?
Kim is trashed and rushes up to steal some of the spotlight. I have no idea what she said but I love a good drunk, so she gets a free pass. Chances are she ended up in a closet later, banging an umbrella stand and that’s okay with me.
Before her date with a parasol, she gets sidelined by Ashley talking trash about Danielle. Caroline overhears this and once again, somebody grabs her face. What is this? Grab a half-wit day? She’s not a freaking Pez dispenser.
“Open your mouth, Ash. Auntie Caroline wants a grape one.”
She tells her to shut it since this is Teresa’s party, and she does. Thank goodness she listens to somebody. I guess you have to physically touch her in order to get her attention.
After that mess, Eve takes Caroline aside and tries to tell her that Jacqueline is obsessed with Danielle. Is she high? Caroline shuts her down (yay, headcock!) and then Jacqueline shows her the hand after she sticks her loud boozy mouth in her face.
“Woman, wash your dentures and get back to me.”
She tells her that she’s upset, not obsessed and then reminds her that SHE’S the one always coming over to dish about Danielle, not the other way around. She walks away with the Kim posse grabbing at air behind her.
What a stupid party. I do have a suggestion, though. I like to help the Housewives with money making ideas when they are down and out, so if you are listening, Teresa, rent your place out! The Brownnose is over booked, take their extra catering jobs! You can get Nona and Papa to set the tables and serve. Ta-dah! Instant money! And lots of cash, nudge, nudge.
Anyway, that drama was NOTHING. Nothing at all. The big moment is only an episode away, so let’s slog through a lunch with Caroline and two of her sisters. The younger blonde one orders a coke with a splash of wine. Huh? Is that the Italian equivalent of red bull and vodka? It sounds disgusting.
They joke about who is prettier (we all know it’s Dina) and if I have to hear Caroline brag about how passionately they love and fight and laugh and fart ONE MORE TIME, I’m going to take a nice passionate dump on the doormat outside the Brownnose.
They chat about Albie’s ADD with caroline lamenting the fact that she can’t fight her children’s battles for them. Maybe not, but she sure can get us all drunk.
HEAD COCK, Woooooo!!!
Poor Caroline. Her empty nest, which hasn’t even happened yet, is freaking her out. I’m freaked out to, but not by that.
Why is that light fixture shaped like a uterus?
Is it a reminder that these ladies that lunch don’t have one anymore, or is Teresa selling off unwanted body parts to bankroll her lust for ugly clothing? Speaking of which, on the other side of town she and Jacqueline are in yet another restaurant waiting for Posche Kim to arrive.
Teresa says that she doesn’t want to hang around anyone that cause drama. SHE wants to be the one. It helps her take her mind off of how gross her husband is and how hard it is to live a sham of a life.
K-2 arrives and starts right in on the wine and the Danielle bashing. I don’t know which she likes more.
Gonna go with wine.
If she could get the sweet elixer down her throat with her nostrils too, you know she would. She tells the gals that Danielle is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and then invites them to a fashion show for her boutique. Teresa wants her to reassure her that she can be trusted since Danielle will be there too. As if! K-2 flares those nose holes and tells Teresa that she’s just like her, she tells it like it is, i.e.- I’m gonna talk behind all of you bitch’s backs and clean out your liquor cabinets while I’m at it.
She finishes her wine and leaves them with the check, clomping to the door like she’s scared she might lose her balance. I do not think that was her first glass of the day.
Jacqueline tells Teresa that she doesn’t want to go because “nothing good can come of this.” Teresa IS going because nothing good can come of this, only her excuse is the same one Kim used for going to the luncheon- she was invited and doesn’t want to be rude.
Kim must have gotten on the horn to everyone that they were coming because Danielle says that she got 16 texts telling her they were going. She wants to know why a friend of hers would invite her enemies. It’s called cameras, Beverly Merrill. Plus, plenty of people shop in that store, not just you, and they don’t need credit.
She drives over to confront Kim at her own store but ends up confronted with a busy receptionist on the phone. Danielle is incredibly rude to the poor woman, like she’s a servant that should drop everything and bow down before The Staub.
The woman is clearly a bit flustered and new but she sees the cameras, and she sure as hell knows who Danielle is, so it’s a bit of rudeness on both parts. She tells Danielle that Kim will be there any minute and Danielle interrupts her to take a call from Jillian, calling her youngest, “baby girl.”
Ick. I don’t know about you but I hate that cloying phrase. It’s phony and childish, especially when the child is over the age of three. I know, I’m not a mother, but I still don’t like it. It also reminds me of cheesy R&B singers that use the phrase to get into a girl’s pants while their baby mama is sitting by a phone somewhere waiting for him to come home with some money for formula.
Danielle tells Jillian that the receptionist was rude to her. What does she care? She has that book report on The Uglies to write, and is busy worrying about how badly Jimmy is going to razz her tomorrow for having a mom that looks like the clown in IT.
Danielle steps back inside and tells the chick to have Kim call her without telling the woman who she is. Guess what, Danielle. There are people on the planet that have NO IDEA who you are. 99.9999% of them, as a matter of fact, don’t know who ANY of you are. Your shit stinks just as bad as anyone else’s AND it probably has genital warts on it.
I’m sorry. I went too far. Let me explain, I have five dogs again. I am picking up a lot of poop these days. My mind just goes there the same way Teresa’s goes to flinging it at people.
Danielle must have blown enough turd street thugs to pay her bills because she whines about being a paying customer that shouldn’t have been treated so poorly, even going so far as to say that she should have given the girl the finger. I’d love to hear her justify to Jillian and Christine why mommy is doing that on TV.
We’re Sicilian. This is how we say hi.
Kim gets back from paying her water bill and they laugh about the receptionist’s story. Why didn’t she mail it? Was it late because she misplaced it on the way to the mailbox? I wouldn’t put it past her.
She calls Danielle to tell her that and Danielle accuses her of lying and then hangs up. I don’t know who is fucking with who anymore but I don’t trust either of these famewhores. Talk about hypersensitive! Sheesh.
Danielle comes back to the store to lecture Kim on the merits of making her employees kiss her ass when they see her and then says that she won’t be taking any clothing on credit anymore SO THERE. Kim tells her to take the stick out of her ass and lighten it up, I mean lighten up, and Danielle tries to pick a fight. Kim shows her the door.
Honey, change your phone number and get a steel mailbox. You could be next.
Brilliant. Pick a fight over a half imagined slight and lose the only place that will give your kids school clothes before Christine’s modeling check clears. Now who’s going to pay for them? Diesel? Coke Eyed John or Jumpy Chump Danny? Oh, that’s right. her sex tape is going to outsell Kendra’s. My bad!
Caroline isn’t as crazy but she sure does have a bee in her bonnet about being stuck with an empty house she’s badgering Al about retiring so that she won’t be alone. He tells her to get a job and then asks if she wants to have another baby. Haha, what a comedian!
“Quit? Who’s gonna blow me at lunch? You? One head cock and I’m castrated.”
‘Yeah, you gotta point there…”
He says he might slow down, but he plans on dying while working. You’re not freaking Captain Phil Harris, dude. You run a catering establishment. Caroline cries over her children some more. Someone’s getting visited by the menopause fairy. Allow me to suggest you volunteer at the local hospital, or get your own ladybug charity, Dina style. You do not want to be around your man all day, begging for attention, not unless you want him to find a Routine Blow Job Dispenser among the pretty servers at The Brownnose.
I wonder if any of them will be in the fashion show. Ashley is. She’s at Posche trying on her outfits. We flashback to her modeling shoot last year where she was awkward and self conscious. She’s no Christine, but she’ll do for New Jersey,
or they could send the dog down the runway instead. I bet she has less hair.
Our vignette is quite charming, really. Teresa and Jacqueline are trying to work off some of that baby weight as C.J. silently listens in by the banister. I shudder to think of all the knowledge of puffy chuckies and inflated bubbies he is absorbing on a daily basis.
Teresa fixes her cameltoe and I recall something she said earlier about having a son of her own. Something about dressing him up in effeminate clothing. She never had that son of her own.
So now you want to turn Jacqueline’s son gay instead?
Nasty. She talks about sex more than anyone on any of these shows! Methinks she doth protest too much. I bet she hates it. I bet she never has an orgasm. That swollen dwarf musclehead probably has no idea what a clitoris is and couldn’t find it if you tattooed directions on Teresa’s labia. Oh, that’s right. That would be like putting a bumper sticker on a Bentley. Hey, I’ve got one for her!
K-2 isn’t happy about her spat with Danielle so she calls her to bury the hatchet and come to the show. She says that she won’t let anything bad happen to her since it’s at a country club. Um, have you ever belonged to a country club? I have. Saying that nothing bad happens there is like comparing District 9 to Meatballs.
Swinging, extra special service from locker room attendants and wife beating, just to nam a few. If Danielle thinks she’ll be safe because the counrty club is in her neck of the woods, she’s nuts. I don’t believe that Kim is setting her up but what do I know? My liver isn’t shaped like a Thanksgiving turkey.
The only reason I’m going to mention Caroline’s advice to Teresa and Jacqueline is to point out Teresa’s hypocrisy. She tells them that the only way to win with Danielle is to do nothing, and Teresa says, “You know me, she doesn’t even phase me.” LIE.
She pretends to be above it but she cares A LOT. Those little barbs she doles out in interviews are as carefully thought out as every bill she racked up with no intention of paying. She hates the way Danielle condescends to her. She hates the fact that her husband is bankrupt and pretty soon, all of New Jersey and America is going to know it. She has rage inside her and the bully in her has picked Danielle to dump it on.
Stupid people pick easy targets, and stupid people go to jail, let’s not forget. Caroline also told Jacqueline to drag her idiot daughter out of there if she starts any shit. This is another person that has fixated all her anger and need to feel superior on Danielle. Geez, she’s a lightening rod for every loser in New Jersey. I’d move.
This show could really use a Sonja. Instead we have Eve, arriving at Danielle’s without her pants on. Maybe she left them in the back seat after her quickie with the driver?
Driving Miss Crazy
She enters the house to find Danielle in a conundrum over which pair of hooker boots to wear.
“Whaddya think, Eve? The ones from my burlesque days, or the ones I bought with Christine’s modeling money?”
She says she’s wearing heels because she doesn’t expect to be running from anyone since this soiree is on her turf. What is this? The Beat It video? Somebody better break into some swishy knife fights soon, or I want my money back.
Ashley arrives at the country club to get her make-up done. She’s excited but afraid to trip and fall. She says that she’s going to try and stay away from Danielle. I hope she uses the ten bucks she earns from this show to buy herself some Pro-Active.
Or inmate vagina juices. I hear those work too.
Teresa and Jacqueline arrive, all excited for an evening of fashion and fun. They’re wearing fur, of course. No PETA housewives who would rather go naked around here.
They sit right next to Kim at the table of honor. She tells them that Danielle will be sitting at the table directly across from them. Who did these seating arrangements, Miss Andy? This is not good.
They drink. They drink a lot. This is not good either.
Teresa asks Kim if she’s going to say hello to Danielle. Are you serious? The last time anyone asked me that was in the lunchroom, and the girl that said it was trying to bully me into de-friending someone. God, Teresa. Try something new. You’re almost 40, for crying out loud.
Danielle is to Teresa as Bethenny is to Leather. It’s an unhealthy obsession that makes you do stupid things and show your true colors. Don’t think for one second that Danielle just brings out the worst in Teresa. People that nag you to tell them that they’re nice, aren’t ever nice, EVER.
Danielle walks in with a new bodyguard named Dennis since Eve didn’t like the way that Danny handled things at The Brownnose. Eve is totally checking out his package.
Easy, granny panties. You’ll run out of Zestra and it isn’t even 8 o’clock yet.
They walk into the room with Crazy Joker Face eying the place like she owns the joint. It’s a low rent fashion show, Groinpurse, not a cotillion! What a drama queen. She sees Teresa and Jacqueling book-ending Kim and is understandably upset. Albie’s gay friend from college is inexplicably there as well.
“Don’t worry, girl. I’ll protect you til Juicy gets here for our date.”
Danielle says that they are desperate to get back at her by befirending her friend.
That may be partially true but Kim came to THEM. Plus, don’t they already know Kim’s boyfriend? Isn’t that why they were at the party for the Sheriff’s Department? Danielle doesn’t worry about that. She says that a real friend would not break bread with them, and boy. You’d think she’d be examining that shitty record she has with real friends by now, wouldn’t you?
Meanwhile, it’s date night for Caroline and Al. He’s still being a comedian, saying that Lauren will be the first to pop out kids unless Christopher beats her to it with some illegitimate ones. Yuck it up, buddy. I would love to see your face when you find out your daughter-in-law is a stripper.
And who picked out your shirt? Teresa?
Blah, blah, blah about Al retiring. Then……….
Head cock with thumbs. That’s worth a shot too, right?
Back at the fashion show for Petries’ most exclusive line of casuals for walking deserted highways and meat packing districts, a vision of beauty walks down the runway.
Snooki, is that you?
Nope, not orange enough.
Who’s bright idea was that? Come on. I think it was a big joke. I HOPE it was. I’d check the Bravo blogs but I don’t read those anymore. Danielle’s was scaring me and Caroline’s were point by point refutations of everything her family’s nemesis said. SHE should be the fucking lawyer. I’d rather read the money market reports, right down to the fine print about how i would be better off investing in gnip gnops or Chinese hair extensions.
Danielle din’t clap when the Emcee mispronounced Kim’s name and said “DePayola.”
I kinda love it, though. Fits the broad.
Instead she whipped out her phone and started texting to one of her tricks, or maybe it was the CDC. Gotta check up on those lab results. They demand a clean screen before they let you blow ugly guys on ‘film’ in ‘movies.’
“Hello, Danny? Those oozing sores? I lied. They weren’t from one of Dina’s spells.”
Some grey acid wash jeans go down the runway and Teresa’s tongue starts looling in the corner of her mouth. She screeches, “I want those, I want those,” because they remind her of a time long ago when big hair was cool and being popular meant never having the bank take your shore house away from you.
Since texting didn’t get anyone’s attention, they’re all WATCHING THE SHOW, Danielle resorts to pretending to talk to someone on it. She claims it’s the ultimate diss, a tick she learned from paris Hilton. That’s right, “Paris Hilton taught me that.”
No. No, she didn’t. Paris Hilton got caught on camera doing that in the front row of Pamela Rolland’s fashion show. She was lambasted for it. It wasn’t a diss! All it did was ensure that she wouldn’t ever be invited to sit in the front row again. Tell me. When was the last time you saw a picture of her in one of those super exclusive front rows? Exactly. Can you say blackballed, anyone?
Besides, Danielle isn’t even in the front row! She’s got her back against the wall in a dingy catering room at a country club. I will give her extra points for dropping the name of a fellow valtrex user. Way to stick together as you infect the world like flesh eating bacteria in human form.
Now she insults the models, saying that they can’t walk for shit and aren’t worth her attention. Ashley comes out and walks awkwardly, blowing her mother a kiss and throwing Danielle a childish smirk. This is Danielle’s response.
Yeah, that’ll get you sympathy and help your lawsuit. You are doing exactly the same shit that you accuse her of doing. Danielle’s comment was vile, and I, for one, do not wish to feed this fame seeking shallow monster anymore, and once these recaps are over, these women are over for me. There are no winners here, and the bad behavior isn’t fun, a la Bad Girl’s Club. it’s gross and desperate and makes me more mean than funny when I write this shit.
Sorry, guys. I’m going to go off on a tangent here before I pick this story up next week with Teresa baiting Danielle and the melee that followed.
I think that Bravo needs to step back and think about the people they hire to appear on these shows. Do any of you remember when I was recapping Megan Wants A Millionaire last summer when that asshole on the show chopped his wife into pieces and threw her into a dumpster to rot? Even VH1 had to vet their contestants more thoroughly after that.
I suggest Miss Andy, et al, do the same. This is getting out of control with all the assault charges, lawsuits and people going to jail. I don’t have fun watching it and if it returns, I don’t know if I can recap it. It’s one thing to watch it when there’s nothing else on but I’m starting to feel the same disgust I got towards the end of Sober Living.
I start to wonder if I’m not becoming part of the problem because I’m tuning into this shit, instead of trying to point out the transparent whoring out of addictions and mental illness that passes for programming these days. It makes me sick.
I really noticed it last night when I went from this show to Deadliest Catch. It probably wasn’t wise on my part to go from one to the other, but I watch it every week with Mr. McSlore. Those guys are amazing and contribute to my life every time I eat crab, which is a lot. They risk their lives for it. These women don’t contribute anything to my life but heartburn and disgust. God, I hope the DC women aren’t so morally corrupt.
Ugh! I apologize again for the rant but it’s been weighing on me. Plus, I have PMS. Yes, I will play that card, and I don’t care who knows it! I get it BAD. Maybe I should yank it out and make a wall sconce out of it.
Love and Kisses,