Welcome to Real Housewives of New Jersey! The first thing we hear is a jackhammer, and it’s accompanied by the Brown Smurf, resplendent in a wife beater. He’s building a garage for all his equipment, including trailers. But right now, “the backyard looks like a junkyard” Ter informs us cheerfully.
He regales her with images of chandeliers in carports. “I love that!” squeals Ter, who then interviews – completely unnecessarily – that she could give a crap about bankruptcy.
Just because you do bankruptcy doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a marble driveway.
And yes, she keeps saying “do bankruptcy”. It doesn’t mean you have to shrivel up and die, she goes on to explain.
But if you did happen to die from bankruptcy, it still doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have a a funeral for 500 with ice sculptures of Jesus. And a marble coffin.
Let’s switch over to some shitty buildings. Time to see what the Gorgas are up to! Midge is trying to hire a contractor to do some work for him, but the guy’s already booked. By Brown Smurf and his gold plated carport. Midge chuckles and informs us that he already has a diamond encrusted carport, so who’s the copycat now?
Then the contractor tells Midge that Smurfy is also building a garage, where he thinks Midge and Ter’s parents will be living. Makes sense, cause I’m pretty sure Midge banned them from the house a few weeks ago.
Midge tells us his parents have always lived in one of his houses, which he just happened to decide to recently sell. Now he’s paying their rent and allegedly looking for a new ranch style house for them to live in. He’s also grumbling about how his parents are basically Ter’s nannies, and is another one who doesn’t seem too troubled locking up Mommy and Daddy Gorga in the Brown Smurf’s garage.
Off to another exciting moment in Franklin Lakes – it’s Caro and Lauren eating at a country style restaurant. There are horseshoes on the walls. It certainly doesn’t look very conducive to picked pigs ears, or whatever the hell starvation diet Lauren’s on, and sure enough Caro orders some chili. And Lauren orders the fruit cup.
“Fruit cup?” Caro’s all over this one. Fruit doesn’t sound very starvation-like.
This is Caro’s “Fruit cup?” face.
Wellllllll, it’s summer and I’m just gonna take the whole starvation thing day by day, says Lauren. I don’t want to eat egg whites every day, she continues. I’d rather just eat healthy, she explains. She also does not feel like she’s failed in any way – I mean, hey it lasted longer than her 24 hour makeup shop, so, um, congrats, sort of.
The poster child for successful starvation.
She also tell us maybe she’s just not ready to lose weight, maybe she likes to complain about it and about 100 other excuses. She’s addicted to food, she informs us. Sure honey, you and everybody else. I’m in a very serious relationship with cake, but I blow it off every night and eat a fucking orange for dinner.
Caro is actually nice and sympathetic. She recognizes that it’s hard to curb her appetite when they’re all barbecuing and eating sausage three meals a day. Then Lauren whines a little more about how successful her brothers are with BLK, and how she thinks everyone looks at her like “there’s the Manzos, and there’s Lauren”.
I don’t know who this lady is or what she did with the real Caro, but this nice lady is telling Lauren to feel good about herself and love herself and not compare herself to her brothers. Meanwhile, Al gets on screen to make everyone’s favorite comment about how when all else fails, “Daddy will buy you a lap band”. Which as we all now know, is exactly what happened.
“People who think they’re perfect are generally assholes,” says Caro, cause it takes one to know one. Then, the nice lady is gone and regular Caro is back to call Lauren a “chunk-a-munk”and then laugh about it.