Hello lovers, please forgive me for being so late this week! I won’t insult you with excuses. But it’s been a busy week in for The Real Housewives of New Jersey! Let’s bullet-point:
1. Melissa was the target of an attempted ambush at yet another Posche fashion show by some guy who owns a strip club where she allegedly worked.
2. The ambush was orchestrated by either Teresa, Danielle, Teresa through Danielle, or Andy Effing Cohen.
3. Melissa says she never really was a stripper, she just worked at a bar where she had to wear a skimpy outfit when she was in college. The only hole in this story is the part where Melissa went to college.
4. Jacquee got upset over the ambush and maybe quit the show in protest.
5. Jacquee and Teresa had a Twitter war about strippers and stuff, like all mature adults do. In other Twitter news, Demi and Ashton still are not speaking.
6. Teresa swears she is not behind the Melissa ambush.
7. The Brown Smurf might be having an affair, and their rendezvous point might be TGI Fridays.
8. Jacquee told Teresa via text that photos of said rendezvous might be leaked, but denied involvement. Besides, of course, knowing it was going to happen.
9. Jacquee allegedly did not attend the Reunion.
That’s the highlights. And it’s all part of Season 4 filming, so we have that to look forward to!
And so, we pick up where we left off – in Punta Cana, with Teresa freaking out. She trudges through the sand with Brown Smurf in tow. There’s kind of no graceful exit in the middle of the beach. The sand is just too much of a workout. Lebanese Dilbert is now involved, proclaiming that he’s going to talk to Brown Smurf, whose response is the predictable and always eloquent, “Shut the fuck up I don’t want to hear no more.” Jacquee and Chris just walk away. Foreshadowing?
Lebanese Dilbert, whose gentlemanly virtues have been extolled about 967,913 times by Kat, tells us that the real problem here is that Brown Smurf realizes that it’s his wife that’s messed up because, “they dropped her ass one too many times when she was a baby on her head.” So you’re saying that her ass was dropped on her head? And using this bit of logic to make the point that she’s the moron?
In the end, Lebanese Dilbert and Brown Smurf agree that women are generally “retarded”. Wow. What can I say? Thanks? Good to know? Right back at ya? And then, the Manzo boys and Gay Sidekick are wandering the beach with cigars that are surely filled with pot. They are seeking the Brown Smurf, who they find happily using the crotch of the swimsuit he wore all day as a face towel. The boys tell us they “smelled” Guidice.
Watered down chianti and KY jelly?
Then they tell us they’ll just look for the gold reflections off Teresa’s bathing suit, which you know they all love, to locate her. Brown Smurf is now missing his sunglasses, which the boys find absolutely hilarious. They crawl on the floor in pretend pursuit of the missing sunglasses. Caroline’s still back at the hotel, very busy with her fake headache – and these boys are definitely high.
Chris and Jacquee are alone in a pagoda. Jacquee is talking about how much she doesn’t want to get involved, which is code for “Just try told me back,honey!”. Chris does a very good job at talking her out of the fray. Then she does little to dispute her reputation as a possible drag queen by giving her husband a piggyback ride down the beach.
So, forty-five seconds have passed – time for another Teresa wardrobe change! This one is gold, “Like an Oscar,” she tells us. Then she changes her self description to “a flowing goddess” as she twirls around in a leopard print robe.
I was thinking more ‘delicate flower’.
Brown Smurf is defiantly defending his completely uninformed and unfunded decision to start a new restaurant. That alone is funny. But he’s comparing it to the last thing everyone told him not to do – buy his house. “And look what happened!” he concludes – I’m sorry, I want to say ‘ignorantly’, but that just doesn’t seem to cut it. Sir, the bank sold your furniture and now they’re going to take your house. I’m thinking you might want to leave that part out of your investor presentation – but oh wait, who needs investors? Smurfy and wife aren’t worried about making payroll or…buying ingredientces or anything.
Naturally, Teresa just continually complains that it’s all somehow Kathy’s fault. Gay Sidekick shakes his head and clucks and says that this was the exact same thing everyone told him when he rented his apartment. He’s desperate and not a Manzo or anything, but he does come up with something funny once in a while.
And here’s the best part, Kat frozen to her chair on the beach like a kicked dog whimpering that she “doesn’t have it in me” to be mean. She wasn’t discussing THE CHILDREN, she proclaims self-righteously, even though she clearly said that she wouldn’t be opening a restaurant because she didn’t want to be away from her children. Teresa is at the bar with Jacquee, recounting Kat’s comment about being away from the kids, and Jacquee immediately says, “Christening.” THE CHRISTENING. The reality TV storyline that just keeps on giving.
You have no idea how happy I am that you were born.
They gather around the fire for an authentic Dominican meal, which turns out to be some kind of stew. Lebanese Dilbert complains that he didn’t come all the way to Punta Cana for “porridge”, which is one of my favorite words ever. You can’t say it without feeling like you’ve been momentarily transported to a Dickens novel.
Anyway, the Dominicans defend their porridge and Teresa plants herself with her back squarely toward Kat and Dilbert, clearly excluding them from the circle. Kat sits there, deeply committed to her victim routine. She acts like nothing happened, she whines, continuing that she thinks Teresa was just trying to piss her off. Yes. That’s why Teresa was the one who brought up THE CHILDREN.
Smurfy tells Teresa she looks like Wonder Woman with her gold bracelets and Kat, who just doesn’t have it in her to be anything they lovely and graceful and kind, rolls her eyes behind Teresa’s back and tells us she feels like she’s in the twilight zone right now. I don’t understand why she’s so confused. Teresa’s like a dumb dog. She simply reacts to triggers, like “children” and “christening” and “marble plated”.
Mel and Midget are busy congratulating themselves on staying out of the fight. They agree that they should not get involved, which means that they should be fully involved before the next commercial break.
And then, Kat and Lebanese Dilbert ruin everyone’s fun and “call it a night”. But not before sucking up to every non-Guidice there to prove that they’re the nice ones. Dilbert tells Jacquee that he “fell in love” with her kids. Which include Ashley, so I’m sort of sensing the smell of BS.
Everyone else goes to get drunk at some bar. The two Joes, Smurfy and Midge are dressed exactly alike in beige cargo pants and white button down shirts. “What’s the capital of Thailand?” yells Brown Smurf. “Bang-kok!” he answers himself gleefully, slamming himself on his brother in law’s privates. I wonder if the real reason he hates Melissa is due to his unrequited love for her husband?
And then they start literally measuring themselves. First, back to back. It is determined that they are the exact same height. It’s not five seconds before one of them – I could not catch which Joe, as I was very determined to avert my eyes from what was happening – starts unzipping his Old Navy cargos so they can compare penises. No Freudian analysis necessary here. Then again, Freud wasn’t around in the time of Neanderthals.
In the midst of the penis contest, Gay Sidekick mentions that he loves that Teresa and Midge are brother and sister. Everyone zips up so that Teresa and Midge can hug, and it’s downright incestuous.
It’s a very grope-y hug. It’s extremely creepy. And just when I thought I couldn’t be cringing more, Mel steps in to place her hand on Midge’s back while Teresa clings on to him from the front, and Brown Smurf alternates between scowling and yelling “Bang-kok! Bang-kok!” And at the end of the most perverted hug ever, Midge declares the “Feud of the Joes” to be over.
Not if I have anything to do with it.
I’m a saucy gay with a jauntily placed hat! Can I have a spin-off?
The next morning, we’re stuck in the shower with the Gorgas. He’s chasing her around for sex, and her frigid ass is telling him not until he builds her a dance studio in the attic. The Manzo boys wander in and marvel at how exciting the Hard Rock Villas are on Dominican pot. Chris Manzo is getting a little chubby. See Lauren, you’re not alone. Mel comes running out of the shower with Midge right behind her. Only one of them is wearing a towel. And it’s not the one that should be.
The Manzos comment that the Gorgas have no shame, but that every corner is a new adventure. Melissa begs her midget porn machine for five minutes alone in the shower to shave her armpits, and he warns her that when he gets home, it’s all over.
Not until you build me a soundstage in the backyard, bitch.
Over in the Guidice villa, Teresa is doing a photo shoot. She’s waving her dress around and Smurfy’s playing photographer. Caroline manages to forget her headache for five seconds to comment, rightly, that this is what makes Teresa her – however, she is not going to the Oscars. Wherever Kat’s lame victim ass is sitting, she’s still whining about how she knows her intentions were good when brought up THE CHILDREN the night before, and if Teresa doesn’t understand that then she must have never really known her in the first place and that’s Teresa’s character flaw, not hers. Sorry lady, but the more I see of you, the more I’m convinced that choosing not to know you is character success.
All I said was I wheeled your baby stroller out of the room while you were in a brawl. How is that saying you’re a bad mother?
“At some point you need to grow up and it doesn’t look like that happened,” comments Kat snidely, even though she just doesn’t have it in her to be mean. Mel shockingly, wisely, and disappointingly for us, manages to mostly keep her mouth shut and just say she wasn’t there when it happened.
For today’s activity, we are split boy-girl. Well, boy-girl & gay sidekick. The guys are off to play golf, and literally two seconds into the course, Midge has his Ross Dress For Less shorts on the ground, and Smurfy is hacking a hole in the golf course in a wifebeater.
Yo, go get the guy outta the trunk.
Al Manzo speaks! Only to say that they’re an insult to the game of golf. Well, and humanity, but this recap is far too late to get into that. Smurfy grumbles that golf sucks and that’s why he doesn’t play.
As for the ladies, they’re off on a shopping trip! Yay, shopping! Mel’s feeling it too, in a floaty shirt and Gucci wedges…until she arrives downstairs and is informed that the “shopping trip” is actually a trip to the food market so Teresa can do research for her next book.
“Ohhhhhhhh,” says Mel in the exact same way she always does whenever she hears about something Teresa’s doing. Teresa’s go-to is, “I didn’t know you did _____.” Teresa tells the group that she’s going to be doing a fusion book – “Italian/Italian” she cackles, only to be corrected by everyone else standing there to “Italian/Latin”.
Teresa’s in a van with the Manzos and Jacquee, and she is at least openly going on about Kat. “It ain’t always me, bitch,” she snaps in her quest to prove that she is the kinder, gentler of the cousins. Lauren Manzo looks like she’s just about ready to hijack the van and drive them all over a Dominican cliff.
They arrive at the Dominican market, and Caroline gives the one worthy piece of advice I’ve heard in the whole season, and that’s, “All I know is there’s a big ass rooster outside of the window.” There’s also lots of dead animal parts strewn about the street.
Kat, who just doesn’t have it in her to be mean or catty, says in her interview that she’d rather be golfing than shopping with Teresa, that way she could hit her with a club. “I wouldn’t really hit her,” she says, and then after a pause, “I wouldn’t.” She thinks she’s being clever, but as always, she is not.
You are good for one thing and one thing only, lady. Now go make that dead horse head into a cannoli.
They prance through the market and Mel whines that she’s getting blood on her outlet store Guccis. And she now agrees with Kat that Teresa is cuckoo, but she’s definitely still staying out of it. There are dead horse heads everywhere, and “Teresa’s acting like she’s at Neiman Marcus,” Caroline comments. I have to admit, I like this about Teresa. Watching her sidestep the occasional dead chicken strewn in the middle of the street and ask the merchants who can’t speak English if they have spices or if they’re read her book Skinny Italian looks like the most entertaining trip to a dead animal market ever.
And of course, Teresa reminds us that even though it’s not what everyone else expected, she knows it’s great research and that’s why she’s a New York Times bestselling author.
Chicken legs and dead rats make great ingredientces!
Back at the golf course, Al Manzo is as embarrassed to be playing with these jokers as I am to be watching them. He tells them he would consider it a personal favor if they all never set foot on a golf course again.
And by personal favor, I mean Caroline’s bringing some of those horse heads home and we’re getting ready to put them to bed. Capicse?
That night, Rich is gambling, Teresa is still looking for her lost luggage and the Manzo boys are munching on some old looking popcorn and discussing the black water party. Oh, and I don’t need to tell you that wherever the Manzos are, Gay Sidekick is there too.
Albie points out that their launch party is six days away, and they’re on vacation. He’s right, they should definitely should be back at Uncle Pat’s farm plotting strategy in Granny’s old craft room. He goes on to say that he recognizes that his parents have given them a lot and he wants to make them proud. I am fond of Albie. He’s kind of like the one person on all of Bravo that seems to actually take life seriously, and not expect to just be automatically famous for showing up and whoring out.
But let’s be honest, you could launch the thing in Milania’s playhouse and Caroline would still declare another Manzo success!
Well, now everyone’s all worked up on this whole six days away thing, but never fear, Chris Manzo is here to tell everyone to just relax. And then they head off to dinner at a restaurant rich with local flavor, Zen. I mean, there are hibachis for crying out loud. Were there no TGI Fridays on the property?
Everyone else is really late for dinner, so the Manzos applaud when they enter. Teresa is in a fedora, and Kat is still whining, this time that she’s “not feeling so well”, all in her very best sad victim voice. She’s having stomach issues, she tells the table, but you know what? They’re about to see some shrimp get flipped into a big red hat and they don’t fucking care. So she goes to the interview to tell us that the real stomach problem here is that it’s doing somersaults over the showdown with Teresa. Well. Then. Perhaps you shouldn’t have mentioned THE CHILDREN.
Kat goes on to tell us in her most super sad voice that she just can’t recover that quickly from a big fight like that. Get a grip, lady. Maybe you shouldn’t have signed up for a reality show then.
At dinner, the Manzos, Shit Stirrers Extraordinaire, decide to hold a Punta Cana Princess contest between Teresa, Mel and Kat, who is clearly not so above it all. At least according to the Manzos. Jacquee points out that they should not be encouraging competition between these ladies, and besides, Gay Sidekick should win anyway. Caroline seems to have momentarily abandoned her migraine in order to “spice things up,” she tells us.
There are three categories: Style, Creativity and Intelligence. That’s how we know it’s all a big joke. But, Teresa wins for style because she lost her suitcase and still managed to rock out a fabulous hat. Kat wins for creativity because she seems to have found a bunch of rocks and chewing gum down on the beach and turned them into rings. Teresa looks like she’s about to murder Kat for winning the Creativity prize in the fake princess contest at a Japanese steakhouse in Dominican Republic.
Which leaves Mel. And a conundrum, because there’s really no way they can award her a prize for intelligence. So, they ask her a “trivia” question – who is the Vice President of the United States?
And if you don’t know that one – what was the name of Fonzie’s girlfriend on Happy Days?
Melissa the scholar does not know. To be fair, none of our princess prospects do. Mel does frantically blurt that she knows it’s a grey haired guy, and finally someone yells “Dick Cheney!” Teresa guesses “Clinton?” and then “Clinton’s wife!” and then finally a Domincan waiter decides he can no longer take the torture and slips the answer to one of them who blurts out, “Biden!”
All tied – sudden death! The Manzo boys ask what continent Cairo is on. “Antarctica!” yells Mel. And that Manzos decide that based on her enthusiastic stupidity, she has what it takes to be their Punta Cana Princess. “I’m intellectual?” Mel glows. Teresa shakes her head no. Well, takes one to know one.
And then it’s time to pack up and go home. Mel and Midge are talking about Mel’s upcoming singing debut! She needs to practice, they decide. Over in the cool villa, Teresa’s lost bag finally arrives! Just think of all the animal print swimwear we missed out on. Isn’t that always the way. Caroline eats her pancakes and rolls her eyes. Teresa chirps that overall, it was a great vacation and a great bonding experience and they definitely have to do it again…only without Kathy.
Kat is still whining and complaining. “I don’t need a fight on the plane,” she says, like she’s all stressed out about Teresa starting shit, while she’s secretly just plotting a way to bring THE CHILDREN into a jetbrige conversation. Mel acknowledges that things were not cool with Kat and Teresa, but as long as things were good for Teresa and Joe, that’s all she really cares about. I will say that Mel got very quiet on the Kat front once she saw her husband and his sister starting to get along. That was nice.
And then, the moment I have been waiting for since I heard the name Melissa Gorga – the debut performance! She hits NYC club Kiss n’ Fly, which is where the event will be held, to check out the space where she will be on display, on display, on display. And she is NOT happy. “I don’t want to my first performance to be in a rinky dinky club,” she snaps. Diva already! I love it! First of all, Kiss n’ Fly is one of the top bridge and tunnel spots in NYC – it’s a Jersey club goers dream. Second of all, um, you recorded this thing in a basement. And this is all being filmed for a cable reality show. I think rinky-dink set up shop at this party a looooonng time ago.
Well, Prima Melissa is not done yet! She needs a big space for her hair and makeup. “Do you have a big space for that?” she demands. Then she casually informs the group that her husband is currently in the process of securing live tigers for her performance. The Kiss n’ Fly lady looks like she needs oxygen. Albie desperately tries to tell them that it’s about the black water, but with no success.
No. This is about my ten pounds of hair and makeup, and my pre-cued track. Fuck black water. This is my time to shine.
So she hits a rehearsal studio, and meets up with another black guy who’s there to choreograph and secretly service her, cause we know that’s what she really likes. She has two backup dancers. One looks bored. The other one looks approximately 80. Mel gets nervous and she dances just like she sings – she probably rocks it out in the shower but put her on display, on display, on display and she loses her X-factor. I can understand, to an extent. I mean, I sound remarkably similar to Mariah Carey in my car with the volume all the way up, but I’d probably think twice before turning down the volume and inviting people in for a drive and a performance.
Mel gets into position in front of her washed up backup dancers and her first diva comment is, “I’m holding the mike, right?” It’s not long before she’s admitting that even her backup dancers Bore and Snore have it more together than her, and she has her work cut out for her.
And then it’s the day of the launch party! What’s Chris Laurita, the mastermind behind this family business that has nothing whatsoever to do with money laundering, up to? Well, first he would like us to know that he hates a messy wine wrapper on a wine bottle. I think he’s hot. I don’t understand what he’s doing with Jacquee. He makes a big point of how he’s just showing up at the party and really didn’t have anything to do with the black water, just in case the cops are watching.
At the party, we learn that some branding expert who’s eaten one too many meals at STK (same owners as Kiss n’ Fly, FYI) have branded black water BLK. Enough acronyms for ya? Mel’s songwriter, choreographer and general entourage are all black guys, and they love the black water. Finally, a water of our own, they cry joyously!
Martin Luther King might have gotten you right to vote, but did he get you your own water? Another Manzo success!
And then it’s time for Mel to do a soundcheck. I can barely contain my excitement! She’s about to sing! But first she’s gonna stand there awkwardly and ask what she’s supposed to be doing. Finally, she manages to get a line out. And the she stops, and again asks what she’s supposed to be doing. One of the black guys patiently explains to her they need to adjust he voice to certain parts of the song. It’s called a level, diva girl. So, to be clear – I know more about soundcheck than Mel does. And all I know I learned in that Justin Beiber movie.
Albie is getting nervous about Mel. But she insists that once she has hair and makeup and the track cued up, she’ll be just fine. Midge threatens that considering all the time and money he spent on building her studio, she better produce.
Perhaps. Build me an amphitheater off the garage and we’ll talk.
Everyone wants her to continue to practice, but Mel’s concerned with the real star of the show, her hair, makeup and wardrobe. She is so my kind of pop star. The black water launch party has garnered such luminaries as…The Real Housewives of New Jersey and they Canadian lady who invented black water.
Caroline has a punk looking hairdo, but I like it. Kat says it’s the first time she’s seen Teresa since the Dominican Republic, and then spouts some crap about how when you alienate people, you lose. I’m not sure if she’s talking about Teresa being the alienator or Kat not being the alienator, but either way, she wants us to know that she’s a better mother.
Albie is happy with the party, and Lauren is proud of her brothers. Caroline is predictably proclaiming black water to be the next Apple, citing that “tonight my sons take the world by storm – it’s their time!” Moonface Ashley has turned up as well, but we only see her onscreen for a few seconds to be threatened by a Manzo that she better not drink. I like them Manzos best when they’re threatening people. Or kicking them out of other people’s parties.
Oh, we do hear Ash complaining that she’s not in school right now because her evil parents won’t pay for it. Jacquee, to her credit, just rolls her eyes and says that she’s not getting into another argument over it. “Good luck and keep me out of it,” she says.
There’s two more behind you and if she stops dressing them in Ed Hardy now, they might have a chance.
Gay Sidekick is wearing a pink shirt and a skinny tie and keeping Mel company as she gets her hair and makeup done. She’s complaining that her debut performance is only half assed and not big enough. Okay, let’s consider facts. You recorded the song in your basement. You refuse to sing it in public. You don’t know if you should hold the microphone. Your backup dancers were scooped up off the side of the road in Newark and they’ve got better moves than you. And you wanted to debut, where, Lincoln Center?
The good news is that everyone is getting along, and when this news is reported to Princess Diva backstage, she does seem genuinely happy to hear it. Then she kicks everyone else out for the pre-show ritual that you know she rehearsed in her huge marble bathroom. She prays and tells her Dad she’s “gonna rock this!” just like those frightening four year olds on Toddlers & Tiaras. She of course remembers to thank Jesus, who has surely spent lots of time and effort orchestrating Melissa Gorga’s fake singing career, and then off she goes very, very nervously to her half-assed gig.
Let’s discuss the look. It’s black. It’s leather. There are strings hanging everywhere. I want it. Her eyelashes look like furry caterpillars crawling on her face. I do not love that. Eyelashes are getting out of control. I blame the Kardashawhores, who I blame for everything bad, ever. She tells us she needs to “like, man up, and like, bring it”, the articulate words of a true superstar. They introduce her, and the witchy sisters in the audience go crazy!
Please Lord Jesus, keep these eyelashes up.
The dancers come out, and then Mel comes out and I don’t know what that soundcheck was about because she is totally lip synching this. It sounds exactly like on my iPod and I know because I’ve listened to it like 500 times. Gay Sidekick sings along, but what the heck, so do I. There might have been a little couch dance involved too. I’ll spare you the details.
OMG, I just figured out my Halloween costume.
Guess who is not in love with the performance? Teresa! Big surprise. She has her bitch face on the whole time. Midge says that he’s proud of her for making this thing from start to finish. She ends in a typical pose, with her arm in the air. Then she makes a speech and says she’s happy. We see Kat in the audience wearing a beige dress that she stole from the slutty daughter’s closet, and I’ve got one word for this look – Spanx.
Post performance, Brown Smurf gets on the Melissa train by toasting her and saying that not a lot of people could have gotten on stage and performed the way she did. He couldn’t, he says. It sort of does sound nice and sincere, and I’m confused, but then I remember he just wants to fuck her. And her husband. Teresa says that maybe it will be a fresh start for them and they all hug. So, to recap – Melissa is now Madonna and the Manzos will be on the cover of next month’s Forbes.
Did I mention that Kathy’s butch sister Rosie is there too? I don’t know what she has to do with Melissa, but I’m always happy to see her. They should make her the next housewife.
Consider it. I’m not lipstick-y enough for The L Word.
Teresa and Kat somehow end up talking, and innocent ol’ Kat once again insists that she’s not there to ruffle any feathers. Teresa apologizes for “the beach incident”. There is more talk about THE CHILDREN, and then they decide that they think of each other like sisters. Then, Kat tells us that she’s the first one to admit that she played a part in it. Oh, now she’s maybe got it in her to “play a part” in the whole thing.
Kat simpers about how proud she was of Teresa’s cookbook, and makes sure to point out that its filled with “old family recipes”, which I’m guessing means she wants her take.
Too late. I already spent it all on rhinestone encrusted breakfast cereal.
Then Teresa informs us that she does not like to hold grudges, which anyone who’s been watching her for the last three years definitely knows. Rosie stands in the background and scowls. Bring that angry lesbian frown closer to the camera, honey! You weren’t invited to stand there and look pretty.
Next on the agenda…the finale! Moonface proves how responsible she is by getting a huge tattoo on her foot. Victoria Virgin goes to a dance in a whore dress. Caroline’s got a fresh batch of fortune cookie sayings. Mel takes a family photo, also in a whore dress.
And Teresa’s new book comes out. And it says that Caroline is about as Italian as the Olive Garden. Enough said. I promise we will meet again right after it airs. xoxoxxo