RHONJ Recap: Not Our Kind of Italian

Recaps

By ChickBomb | Wednesday, October 12, 2011 | 12:00 pm | 47 Comments
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Posted in: Featured, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recaps

This is it – time to say ciao, bellas to the Real Housewives of New Jersey!  I’ll warn you now, it’s about 50 mintues of family portrait filler and 10 minutes of Teresa’s new cookbook where she insults everyone in Franklin Lakes for not being as Italian as her.

Our first stop is Mel’s closet, where she’s decamped with a stylist and little Gino. She’s wearing normal looking jeans, except they have just one leopard patch on the back pocket. I wonder if she sends all the family’s denim to the tailor for this alteration.

While they’re combing through a sea of animal print and elaborate brocade, Teresa hair hurts by association and she calls Mel. The call is interrupted by a fax machine on Teresa’s end. It’s some kind of message from the phone company in 1995.

But let’s get to the important wardrobe issues at hand. Which family will be wearing pink, and which will be wearing purple? Teresa might do pink. Okay then, I’ll do purple says Mel. She’s been trying to do a family portrait forever, and she’s finally been included. She’ll wear basic black for crying out loud.

Melissa Gorga will not wear basic black.

No I won’t. Be serious.

The stylist is standing by hyperventilating – she has been forbidden to style Melissa by the evil queen of Franklin Lakes. She begs Mel not to say anything, because Teresa will never see this on TV and fire her. Although I suppose it’s worth the risk. The countryside is surely filled with ladies who need help deciding whether cheetah or leopard goes better with furry pink accessories.

Over at Teresa’s, she’s filling in the Brown Smurf on the upcoming family photo, and the inclusion of the Gorgas. Smurfy looks furious at the news that he will be photographed with these people.  Milania makes her debut climbing up a table, which she topples off of about five seconds later. The baby Audriana follows. This baby has potential as a Milania II. Just wait until you see what she does when Melissa shows up.

Smurfy whines about having to take a family photo, because who knows how long they can keep this truce going? Well, don’t you want something nice to start the insurance fraud blaze that will inevitably befall the new Guidice family restaurant?

“Can’t wait,” grumbles Joe. Teresa tells us that she loves her brother more than anything and basically, that they can’t get rid of him.

Joe Guidice ready to get rid of Joe Gorga.

Yeah, we could.

So what’s going on with Jacquee and Moonface? Moonface is looking sort of prettier. And it’s true that we haven’t really seen her recently. I wonder if her recent forced vacation from the Lauritas’ was just a cover for a trip to the clinic. That one would be easy for Chris to justify paying for. Everyone likes to look at something pretty. Er, prettier.

Chris is hanging out by the wine fridge. He’s accusing Jacquee of misplacing some bottle of white wine. And then we learn that all the fuss is over another sibling, Jamie. We learn that Chris and Jamie have always been close. Jamie is big and tattooed and he seems kind of gay.

The first thing Jamie tells us is that he “mainly works with celebrities” which tells me that he’s mainly a jackass. And Jamie is the latest in the long line of everybody on earth who’s been drafted to try and talk some sense into Moonface. Who’s next?

Lindsay Lohan helping Ashley Holmes.

I really think I could do some good here.

For some reason, Moony thinks that she and her Uncle Jamie have a lot in common. He gives her hope, she tells us. That’s because he’s covered in tattoos, and Moony has some ink of her own that she’d like to share.

First up is a swallow on her arm. Not on her wrist. Not an armband. Just a big blob in the middle of her forearm. Uncle Jamie immediately sees the problem with some indecipherable art on her arm that people will always be asking about, that she will always be responding, “It’s a swallow!” He tells her to just tell people it’s a bird.

Is Ashley stupid or just a whore.

Are you that stupid or that much of a whore? Very hard to tell.

And she’s got another new tattoo that she thinks her partner in cool black sheep-ness will help her out with – unfortunately, it’s another blob. This one’s on her foot. It’s another bird, only this one is molting. One feather for each little brother that she never sees and refuses to babysit.

Chris flat out tells her it looks like someone took a shit on her foot. Then he buys her a diamond ankle bracelet to set it off. Uncle Jamie travels the well worn path of how do you plan on getting to California, and how do you plan on paying your bills once you do get there, and blah blah blah and all Moony’s thinking is how can I get Chris to buy me that new shirt at Posche?

Of course Jacquee can’t help but stick her face in and start blathering about being positive and making the right choices, and how dare her? Moony immediately starts bitching and complaining about Jacquee and her bullshit right choices speech.

Uncle Jamie tells her “don’t go into that mode” in his big tattooed man voice, and Moony switches to the default sob and run out of the room. Then she whines to us about how Jacquee gives her mixed signals about how she has to “prove herself”, but they don’t give her details on how to do it.

Jacqueline Laurita is over Ashley.

That’s right. We used the Life Instruction Manual as diapers for the new baby just to fuck with you.

Jamie wisely decrees that Moony has no plan and no direction. Wow. I can see why they brought this expert in. Actually, I can see how he’s related to Caroline. Moony wanders back into the kitchen and Jamie tells her she’s being lazy and to stop crying about it.

Jamie Laurita gives celebrity advice.

Same advice I give to all the celebrities.  Ya know how it is.

Then Chris pipes in to say that even though she comes off like a bitch sometimes, he knows that’s not the real her. Then he says that he keeps giving her more chances, but he knows that’s what he’s supposed to do. Then he calls the contractor to start discussing the new Moonface Wing of the house.

So, in the end, Chris says she can stay living there. And Caroline says that Moonface gets it. And that she’s smarter than all of them, because she knows exactly how to work her extended family. I kind of like Caroline today. And not just because she agrees with me.

“The princess is still in the castle,” snips Jacquee. “Mom, seriously right now?” whines Princess Moonface. Nothing has changed.  Thanks, Chris.

Chris Laurita tries to buy Ashleys love.

Her love is way overpriced.  Stop trying to buy it.

And so, what’s going on with Caroline? Well, she’s following her dreams! And she’s got plenty of platitudes for us along the way. Did you know that you get one life, and this is not the dress rehearsal? Well, actually, you know, it might be. It’s not like there’s any scientific evidence either way.

But anyway, she loves her community college radio gig because she loves making callers feel like they’re not alone. That’s kind of nice. Cue the lady calling about her kid with a learning disability who learned how to swim and now he’s doing great. “You have to try and find the thing to get them motivated, and maybe swimming is it,” Caroline advises.  Um, yeah I think the lady already figured out the swimming thing out, that’s why she was telling you about it.

Another great idea from Caroline Manzo.

I have this amazing idea. What if we slice the bread before we sell it?

And now cue the flashback to Albie getting kicked out of law school. I have already registered my fondness for Albie, and I’m sorry that he didn’t get his dream, but I don’t want a lawyer who needs to read everything three times. And I sort of felt like Caroline did him a disservice by telling him he could do it. It’s one thing to encourage, but you have to be realistic. I mean, I’ve wanted to be Queen of the World since I exited the womb, but through time, my parents gently let me know that it probably wasn’t going to happen.

Lauren and Chris are there to visit Caroline at – well, what she’s calling “work”. She tells us she’s at crossroads – between Mommy and Caroline. Yeah, yeah, empty nest is touching and all but does it translate to a new blood feud?

No, but they do get a wacky caller who tells them she wants to buy a big house, fill it with kids and then travel the world. “That’s awesome,” says Caroline, “Are you going to carry the house on your back?” The kids giggle at her, she accuses them of being disruptive but it’s just cute family stuff.  They congratulate Caroline on following her dreams on the community college radio circuit, and she dispenses some more wise commentary about now knowing what comes next.

For us, Kathy comes next. Why does Kathy’s house look like three pre-fabricated houses glued together?

Richie Wakile has three patchwork houses.

Fell off three different trucks, whaddya think?

There’s a makeup artist on premise to do Virgin Victoria’s makeup for a dance. She’s only going with a friend, though. Kat comes in and does her hair. Then she gets all teary and overcome at her little girl growing up and going on the pill. She never knew what love was until she had a child – well, this is groundbreaking stuff. Surely you are the first parent to feel this way. Please tell us more.

Kathy needs to make a canoli

I’m kidding. Turn that hair into a cannoli chignon or leave.

Vic’s date comes to the door and Lebanese Dilbert gives him a totally obvious and predictable hard time. The date is wearing a light aqua vest and tie to match the virgin dress.  He’s brought a corsage for the virgin, and a flower for him, but no offering for the virgin’s mother?

OG Jersey Style

OG Jersey style.

Dilbert gives him more of a hard time. He tells us he’s known the kid since he was little, but he wants him to know he’ s being watched. Then he gets really subtle on us. He breaks out a some nuts and a nutcracker, and asks the kid why he looks nervous.

Luckily, the virgin is ready for her grand descent down the staircase in the patchwork house. Everyone stands at the foot of the stairs for the big entrance. She looks nice, but what is it with the Wakile women and their aversion to Spanx?

Over at the Guidices, we have the other big event of the day, the family portrait. Of doom. I hope. Teresa is getting the kids ready, and then she has to get dressed. Linda is the photographer, and she seems kind of idiotic.

Grandpa Gorga comes over grumbling and complaining that he can’t see anything out of his eye. A mile down the road, Mel is packing her brood into the car, encouraging them to smile for the picture. One of them informs her that they have to pee.

They arrive at Teresa’s. Gia and the milkman’s kid go outside to greet Melissa and crew, and Milania II not only slams, but then locks the front door behind them!

Audriana hates Melissa too.

I hate that bitch Melissa.

Then it’s Midget Joe’s time for reflection, and where else would he start but with THE CHRISTENING. What a relief. Nearly halfway through the show and no one had mentioned it yet. I was getting worried. We relive the impassioned, “YOU’RE MY FATHER! YOU’RE MY FUCKING FATHER!” and I have to ask, was that particular adjective really necessary?

Midge tells us that his father had made him the man he is today, and he wants to make things better in the family because he feels like he and Teresa are letting him down. He really wants a picture of his boys and his father.

Gia prances around in something sparkly from the  Dancing With The Stars Juniors collection. Alright, let’s get Milania II dressed. It can’t be easy. The kid basically goes into rag doll mode and it takes both Teresa and Melissa to get her outfitted into her mini Moulin Rouge dress. I’m not kidding. It has feathers.

And of course, Teresa just had to show Melissa and dress the kid in both pink and purple. They yell at her to spin around. Then Mel tries to pick the kid up and she’s like, hello bitch, did you not notice before when I slammed the door in your face? But then Teresa tries to pick her up, and she remembers that this is the lady who’s making her dress like a parakeet on crack and decides Mel is the better option. “She wants me!” Mel trills.

Then the sister-in-laws hug and spew a bunch of meaningless crap about how loyal they are to each other and now happy they are that everyone’s family again. Teresa insists that her hug was from the heart, which translated means that Mel’s was fake as her boobs.

Finally it’s time for the photo. They all sit down, and all three Gorga men are decked out in plaid shirts, black vests, black Kangol hats and huge silver crosses. I find the wardrobe choice fascinating. They sit Grandpa Gorga down in the middle of the sofa – wait, there’s a sofa? Is it rented? Did Bravo pay?

Anyway, the photographer proves she’s nuts by tickling Grandpa with a feather duster. Not even a cute one. Just the standard red, yellow blue striped one that’s $4.99 at Walmart. I’m with Grandpa on this one. If anyone came at me with that thing I’d shove it down their throat.

And more picture taking. It’s really quite boring. The most excitement is the one year old dressed like an old French hooker, and Milania storming off mid-shoot over what I can only assume were creative differences. They try to lure her back with the promise of the Justin Beiber movie, but it doesn’t work.

Milania wants to date a Sheen

Over him. What are the Sheen twins up to? Have Charlie send a jet.

Back at Kathy’s it’s more pictures. These are for the dance. At first I think they’re at the actual event, cause it looks like there’s some kind of step and repeat, but it turns out to be a tent attached to the side of the house. Wow, what happened to prom pictures in the living room or on the front lawn? Now we need a special tent for it?

Kat is sobbing while the virgin poses. The virgin is also very bossy amongst her friends, which you can kind of tell by looking at her. She’s got that HBIC look about her. She orders everyone to wave goodbye in some sort of conga line out of the tent, and then hops into the “just friends” friend’s car. Then they ditch the prom to have sex in a motel room on the shore.

Victoria is annoying

Annoying, right?  And no one who poses open mouthed like that is a virgin.

Dilbert tells Kat what a great job she’s done as a Mom and she pretend acts humble about it. She flip flops about whether or not she she’s ready for a career that takes her kids away from her because she wants to celebrate everything they do. “Open up a can of tunafish, I’ll celebrate that,” she declares passionately.

Another Manzo success.

I mean, go ahead but my kids have already mastered the art of opening tunafish cans.  And so, we’re buying them a tunafish can opening store. Another Manzo success!

Back at the Guidices, Smurfy is actually speaking to one of the little Gorgas. Then it’s time for dinner. And Smurfy continues being nice to Mel, offering her different kinds of wine. Mel and Smurfy end up on either side of Grandpa Gorga, who comments that he’s got his daughter-in-law and son-in-law on either side of him. In other words, you’ve got dinner to stir up another blood feud. Don’t let me down.

They toast using plastic cups, because that big sofa ate up all the budget and they couldn’t afford to rent crystal. Then we flashback to more of the drama of the year. The showdown at the bookstore. The showdown at Jacquee’s house. Teresa tells us the never wants to go back to that place. Well, until she finds out Mel’s using the forbidden stylist.

So, is this the best they can do for the finale? Family portraits and prom step and repeats? Well, they’re been saving the best for last, teasing it all week long…and that’s the cookbook! And it’s coming up next!

Alright, let’s get to Caroline’s house, where she’s serving a big plate of something to her three kids. It goes without saying that the Gay Sidekick is there too. Lauren reads her line about how she was at Jacquee’s the other day, and she saw Teresa’s book. Oh, and she just happens to have a copy of it with her!

Another book! The Manzo boys and the Gay Sidekick comment on all the book drama with these ladies. Well, Lauren starts reading the book and the hits are coming fast and furious for the Manzos. First, Teresa’s offended that they fry meatballs. “You could deep fry a sock and it would taste better than a deep fried meatball,” is her comment.

Teresa hates deep frying.

You could deep fry a sock and set your damn house on fire, moron.

Over at Kat’s she’s upset too. But mainly because she was barely mentioned, much less skewered in the cookbook. There’s a vague comment about how Teresa wishes her cousin would stop making “lame jokes” about her. Kat clings on to the comment that may or not be indirectly directed at her and takes the opportunity to say she thought things were getting better and she doesn’t understand.

Dilbert jokingly, or not, throws the book in the trash. Then Kat says that if Teresa’s recipes – which, let’s not forget last week she was proclaiming to be just as much her family recipes – are good, then you don’t need the mean narrative. Ok, first of all, everyone knows Teresa’s food gives you the shits. So anyone who buys this cookbook is doing it for the dirt. Second of all…where’s your cookbook, lady?

cannol

I have a champagne split and two plums in my fridge. Show me how to make it into a cannoli or get off my TV.

And the book is the talk of the town over at Mel’s too. Her confidante is the witchy sister. And Teresa’s dig at Mel is that her “baby sister-in-law copies off of everything I do – from the shoes that I wear to the furniture on my front porch.” Maybe she’s talking about her other sister-in-law, comments Mel, further stating that she doesn’t even have any furniture on her front porch.

Mel decides that she’s not going to tell her husband what’s in the cookbook – following the forbidden stylists line of thinking that there’s no way he’s ever going to see this on TV. She wants to try and ignore it, and focus on the good things like the fact that the kids are getting to spend time together. The witchy sister agrees that Mel is allowed to let it go, but the moment the cameras are off they order 200 Dominoes delivered to Teresa’s house.

And what our our illustrious author? She’s entering her bank-owned manse, chasing Milania II through the buses, and is Gia on a Blackberry?

Gia being Gia

I’m on with Gloria Allred. She’s got the emancipation papers ready to go and then we’re doing a press conference.

Why does the Brown Smurf insist on remaining shirtless when there are cameras around? It’s a crime against humanity, plain and simple. Teresa informs us that her book is not just a cookbook, she puts stories in it too and that’s why it’s a bestseller and people love it. Right, we already covered that.

Backstabbing Italian

Backstabbing Italian

Oh, except it’s not a bestseller! And Teresa is on the phone with her publicist demanding to know why! The milkman’s kid is playing the blues on the piano, and Milania I is jumping all over Milania II. It’s like she’s being jumped in to the devil’s playground. The family portrait arrives, and it’s very…colorful. Teresa hangs it in the hallway, and yay, now she has some furniture! Sort of!

Teresa wanders the house searching for a hammer and Jacquee arrives to visit. She looks at the family portrait with Gia, and asks how things are going in the family. Gia’s response speaks volumes – she tells Jacquee that it’s good for now, but it might not hold because Melissa “kind of controls” her Uncle. Wow.  Look, we only know what we see, but does seem that Mel is only trying to get Midge to reconcile with the family. Way to poison the kid.

Gia being Gia

Oh, and did I mention that Danielle’s a prostitution whore?

Teresa finds a hammer and hangs the picture, and then joins Jacquee in some other room. Jacquee is touching up her makeup and complaining, for a change, about worthless Moony. “Yeah, I feel like I haven’t been there with the whole Ashley thing,” Teresa mentions, suddenly realizing that there might be another storyline happening here.

I feel bad for Jacquee – she says she’s been crying and she’s stressed and her face is breaking out over it. And why? Well, because Chris has gone and bought Moonface a TriBeCa loft. Hey, gotta give the kid a chance, right?

Not really, he just let her continue living with them. But he’s not being strict. She’s partying all night and sleeping all day. “Well, Chris has to make it better,” Teresa tells her, just taking whatever person she heard Jacquee talking about and adding some generic advice.

Teresa hating Melissa again.

Did I see some purple trim on Mel’s family portrait dress? That bitch. I knew her hug was fake.

But back to the cookbook. The Manzos still have it under review. And the latest transgression is that Caroline is “as Italian as the Olive Garden”. What’s bizarre though, says Caroline, is that she was just with Teresa the other day, and she didn’t mention it.

And then – the judgement. “Jacqueline is loyal to a fault – I am loyal to a degree. You have to recognize that the tides are changing. I recognize that now, and it’s sad,” says Caroline. And you know what? It is sad. The Manzos really did treat Teresa and hers like family. They were loyal to her through everything. They denied her true colors as long as they could, but the ugly just wouldn’t stay hidden. And I have a feeling that once the Manzos turn on you, there’s no going back.

So Teresa’s insulting intro – that’s where the Manzo digs happen, in the intro – ends with her saying that she loves Caroline Manzo, even if she is only 1/16 Italian. “Who did that math, their accountant?” wonders Gay Sidekick in a last ditch attempt at his spinoff.

Greg the official Manzo gay sidekick

I can totally do a black crocheted hat if this one isn’t testing well.

Ooooh, and there’s more! Teresa goes on to say that this is a “family cookbook” and she does not condone young girls stripping in car washes. Okay, that was like three years ago. I think it’s safe to say that the stripper car wash is more reality show lore than anything at this point. Lauren does a spot on imitation of Teresa’s voice, cackling, “It’s a jooooooke! Get it?”

Over at Teresa’s, Jacquee gently says it seems as though she was bashing Caroline a little, and Teresa’s response is exactly what Lauren said it would be. I mean, exactly. Jaquee points out that if it was a joke, why didn’t she let Caroline in on it? Well, did you see the great picture of me and Caroline, Teresa wants to know? I mean, what says friendship like a picture hidden on page 134?

Then Teresa starts saying that she called Caroline, but she wouldn’t pick up. Well, didn’t you see her? Wouldn’t that have been a time to mention it? Or was Caroline saying that she had seen Jacquee, and that’s who didn’t mention it? I don’t know. I’m confused. Is there another blood feud or what?

Jacquee continues to try and talk sense into Teresa while Milania II tries in vain to slam the piano cover down on her tiny fingers. And all Teresa has to say is that everyone else is sooooo sensitive, and no one’s perfect and if you’re going to nitpick every little thing then you will never be able to be friend with anyone.

Teresa losing friends and alienating people.

Or, you can talk shit on everyone in a widely distributed book and lose your friends that way.  Lots of options.

And then, we close it out. We learn that Moonface is still living at home, and Jacquee is trying to keep the peace. Teresa thinks it’s amazing how people have no sense of humor, because in Teresa-land, everyone thinks she’s the next Lucille Ball. I’m not so sure. If Lucy wrote a shit talking cookbook, it probably would have stayed on the NY Times list longer than one week.

Kat is still “stirring things up” Bravo tells us…in the kitchen. She is hoping to use Lebanese Dilbert’s bankroll for her new cannoli company.

As for Mel, On Display was #14 on the iTunes dance chart, and I am proud to say that I’m one of the people who put it there! Midge is determined to make Mel a rockstar. Finally, Little Joey just had a first birthday party but the Guidices did not attend. Blood feud back on!

And Caroline is hurt, and I don’t blame her. She says she put her reputation on the line to always stand up for Teresa, did nothing but support her and she did not respect or appreciate any of it. She was Caroline’s friend when it served her purposes. “You hang around shit, you start to stink,” muses Lauren, bucking for a guest slot on the community college broadcast. Caroline tells us being Italian is not speaking Italian or making homemade wine, it’s about being loyal and trustworthy.

Well, this was kind of a snore of a finale.  I feel like THE COOKBOOK was enough for the whole episode.  Where was the staged book signing?  Are they saving it all for Season 4?

Before I dramatically declare that we’ve been cheated, let’s check in on the Reunion, starting next week.  Teresa uses her highly developed brain to deduce that Melissa is the devil.  Her indisputable evidence?  A red dress.

About

47 Comments

  1. 1
    shana
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Oh Mooney, see Asslee looks better because she has half her hair covering her face–less face visibility, less ugly she is. When Jacq says that everybody has talked to Asslee and no one has been successful, that is because everyone keeps saying the Same Damn Thing over and over. Jaime was supposed to offer a new perspective. Him coming and saying she is a lazy loser is nothing new.
    And Caroline saying that Ashley is smarter than all of? Well, she is certainly smarter than you Caroline.

  2. 2
    shana
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    “no one who poses open mouthed like that is a virgin.”–they do if their teeth are too big for their mouth!

    “I mean, go ahead but my kids have already mastered the art of opening tunafish cans. And so, we’re buying them a tunafish can opening store. Another Manzo success!”–Haa!

    I actually thought the scene with Mel and Tre and Audrianna was cute–Audriana wanted Mel to hold her and when Tre picked her up instead, Audrianne threw a fit. For the camera she let it happen but she grabbed Audrianna first chance she got. No ones a better mother, bitch! Even if my kids prefer your food, your house, your husband and you over me, I am still the best Mom, dammnit! LOL!

  3. 3
    sardini
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    Yay, Chickbomb. Awesome!!

    So here’s my take on Cookbook-gate. Whoever is producing the book knows that the only reason people buy it is because of the NJ Housewives. Would anyone have bought “Skinny Italian” if it was written by some random person? No. People, not unlike us TVGasm readers, like to get the dirt. So, that’s what they did, added dirt as one of the “ingredientes”.

    I guess if there were a gun to my head, I’d be Team Caroline, but I think the only one I can tolerate (for now) is Kathy. Yes, it was stupid for Teresa to put in those little quips, but it has everyone talking, doesn’t it? And in the end, it will equal more book sales and ratings. Would we watch these shows if everyone played nicely and got along?

    Here’s something else I want to point out…I think Caroline and her fambly become enamoured with people, and then move on. For the first few seasons, she thought Teresa was just so fun and cute. She loved Teresa and Juicy’s relationship, she loved her rotten kids. She loved Teresa’s acceptance.

    Now, Caroline’s grown tired of her and has moved on to Joe and Melissa. Give it time, she’ll be done with them soon enough and gather around the table to mock them with her kids. Then she’ll find a new pet to latch onto after that.

    I don’t believe Teresa (or any of them) is evil, just stupid.

  4. 4
    shana
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Gia looks exactly like a young, skinny Kirstie Alley in her pose, and her comment that Melissa “kind of controls” her Uncle is something she totally picked up from the adults around her.

  5. 5
    Iona Trailer
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    1. I cannot wait for the reunion when it’s finally Teresa’s turn to get dog piled on…..and Danielle should be invited to say she told ya so!

    2. Assface grows more disgusting in each episode. I am shocked nobody in North Jersey has tried to run the bitch over.

    3. Big Gay Greg should get an spinoff if not an invitation to my house! He’s cute even if a purse falls out of his mouth everytime he speaks.

    4. Joe and Melissa came out looking good by the end of the season. They are bizarre but essentially harmless ulike Teresa and Juicy who will stab you in the back at the first opportunity.

    5. Lebanese Dilbert needs to get real. If his daughter is a virgin than I am straight. No way that girl’s catbox has never been used. She may be good at home but she’s a vixen when she’s out.

    6. I think the only one I would actually want to be friends with is Kathy. I really do like her and she never did anything to that bitch Teresa.

    7. PLEASE MISS ANDY…BRING BACK DANIELLE!!!

  6. 6
    TWhit
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    JUSTIN BEAVER, Tre says.

  7. 7
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    TWhit! God Bless you for remebering, I forgot! That was AWESOMENESS!

  8. 8
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Oh and apologies if this was discussed in the past but, does anyone know why on Twitter the @TheRealMilaniaG is now TheFauxMilaniaG???

  9. 9
    toomuchtv
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Gia is already doomed if she is already taking on the opinions of her paranoid, delusional, vindictive mother. Melissa always seemed nice to Teresa’s daughters. Don’t remember Teresa being nice to any kids other than her own.

  10. 10
    Tmurda
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    First of all, the things tre put about caro in the book were not a joke in any way. The comments written weren’t funny at all. How/why would anyboddy consider them jokes? I’m not saying they were super-mean and offensive, I just don’t see anything about the comments that could be construed as witty, ironic, clever, or anything else that makes something a joke. So Tre just looks retarded for even trying to pull that “it was a JOKE!” bullshit. If Tre is soooo italian, then she should know that saying Caro is “only” 1/16th Italian would be insulting. And it’s amazing to me that she can say “nobody can take a joke anymore?” with a straight face. Yes, Tre. YOU are the epitomy of easy-going and rational. Everyone else should lighten up and quit getting offended by every little thing, right? Jesus. This bitch spent the entire season pissed off at whatever she could come up with, and poisoned every single event/trip/party/playdate/etc by picking fights, or trying to get sympathy. I’m sorry, but when you are a guest at someone’s house for THANKSGIVING DINNER, and you make the topic of conversation about some cookies you were given almost a year ago, how you threw them in the trash (then TOLD the person that you threw them in the trash) cause they weren’t your fave kind, then the answer is NO, asshole. You DO NOT get the luxury of “you can’t take a joke!”-ing your way out of saying/doing something fucked up. Tre found “congratulations on your rennovated house” offensive. So how’s she gonna get defensive about whether her house is considered brand new or not, then take jabs at someone’s son, and question their ethnicity/heritage that they are so proud of, and thinks it’ll fly. Dumb bitch.
    Mel is gorgeous, tre is ugly, and asslee is just like the microscopic cotton fiber from a q-tip that somehow gets on my eyeball to drive me insane for hours cause no matter how many times I think Iv’e wiped it away, it keeps coming back with no purpose other than to make me hate life. Ya think the fact that she won’t be on t.v. anymore has anything to do with her not leaving? I mean, her role on this show is the only thing she has, and will ever accomplish in her life, and I’d assume she’s fine with that.
    Great recap, and I can’t wait for the reunion!

  11. 11
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    @Tmurda- “asslee is just like the microscopic cotton fiber from a q-tip that somehow gets on my eyeball to drive me insane for hours cause no matter how many times I think Iv’e wiped it away, it keeps coming back with no purpose other than to make me hate life” – BWHAHAHAH! Most excellent!!

    @Iona Trailor – j’ADORE your name. Hope you are a drag queen! Speaking of cannot WAIT for Drag Race!

  12. 12
    skipper
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    Those producers really know what they’re doing. This last episode all of a sudden fast-forwarded to spring/summer. They went from the dead of winter to leaves and flowers in the same episode. The entire season was filmed in late fall throughout the winter. Then bam! It’s summer and everyone is eating outdoors. That’s like 8 months in real time. No way did this season film for that long a period of time. I think they intentionally re-edited the last episode as soon as Theresa’s cookbook came out so they could shove the drama in at the very last 10 minutes and ramp up the drama for the reunion and next season.

  13. 13
    RunLola
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    I’m not done reading yet… but my husband did point out that Theresa did not actually use a hammer to hang up the family portrait. He says she was using a meat tenderizer. LOL

  14. 14
    someguy
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    Great recap as always, but can’t help but think all these people on the show suck.They really sad part is watching them turn the children into morons and very messed up kids.just like the kate kids.sad to watch

  15. 15
    tvdiva
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Well looking at the timing, they were in Punta Cana around late February. The cookbook came out in early May, but it did look warmer when they were outside, at least for Jersey. It’s hard to believe they didn’t see advance copies though.

    My beloved Chris is letting me down. Don’t they know Ashley/leigh/lee never grow up unless they force her to? Caroline right that she knows what she’s doing. The problem is, even Caroline stuck up for Ash when they should have let her learn a lesson. For once, Danielle was right. (Did I just say that?)

  16. 16
    tvdiva
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    Okay, sorry for the poor editing on that last comment. I lost one entry already so I was typing too fast. Oh well.

  17. 17
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    Great recap ChickBomb! This was a very lame finale and I kept thinking to myself, “This is really the finale?” Even the cookbook “drama” wasn’t enough for me, but at least I know why Caroline & Teresa fell out. I hate when people can’t own their mistakes. When Jacquie was telling Teresa about how her comments came across & Teresa said she was getting pissed I just thought “How selfish”. Carolyn is way bettter off than having a friend who doesn’t care about her feelings. Teresa would do anything anyone told her to make money for her family.

    @Tmurda: You are killing me!!! I agree with everything you said & loved LOVED twhe cotton ball analogy.

    @Gypsy: The RealFauxMilaniaG got his(?) account suspended because you can’t say you’re the “real” xyz if you aren’t. That’s the story on his(?) Twitter anyway. But it’s awfully coincidental that the account was alive & well for WEEKS with comments to all the people on the show and also Andy Cohen, but as soon as there was a fight between him and Danielle Staub (who actually thought 5 year old Milania was Tweeting), the account was suspended.

    Does anyone else think Milania II (love that!) looks sort of like The Milkman’s Kid as well? She doesn’t have Teresa’s strong jeans like Gia & Milania I

  18. 18
    Fan-Ann
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    How many Muppets were sacrificed to make that atrocious dress of Audriana’s. It was a nightmare and there was another ugly adornment on her head! That dress was the worst out of a bad lot. My favorite scene was when midget Joe was in the family room talking with his father before the pictures. Joe was blathering on about one thing and another and the entire time his Dad was silent and giving him a wicked side-eye. I don’t know if the senior Gorga is just a grouchy old man or if he still holds some grudge against his son, but he did not look thrilled to be stuck talking to him.

  19. 19
    Fan-Ann
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    Oh, and what about that Salome of the Seven Veils outfit that Mel was barely trying on? Was that to just show off because even she knew (I hope) that it was improper for a family portrait? And I wish someone could explain those Kangol hats to me. Is this a Jersey thing! Those two little boys would have looked so much cuter without them.

  20. 20
    polk8dot
    Posted October 12, 2011 at 11:32 pm

    @shana: ‘And Caroline saying that Ashley is smarter than all of? [sic]Well, she is certainly smarter than you Caroline.’ What did you mean by that Shana? Do you seriously think Caro is stupider than the AssFace? I do not understand your comment at all.

    @someguy: ‘They really sad part is watching them turn the children into morons and very messed up kids.just like the kate kids.sad to watch’ [sic]. Again, I do not get that comment at all. Kathy’s kids are the most well-behaved, loving, polite and properly raised of all the kids on this show. What is your problem with them?

    Crykie, someone must have slipped me a slow pill this morning to now have such problems getting what the people are saying. I’d appreciate some help figuring it out.

    Teresa is a disgusting piece of gaaahbage, and her stinky smurf is even worse. Why would anyone want to remain friends with them after what they’ve been saying and implying about all the other people the whole season is puzzling. It is amazing that they only, the two of them, are so smart and funny and kind and successful that people are just dying of jealousy! Bwa ha ha … Keep on dreaming you morons. Talk about an overblown self appreciation. What a couple of dumbasses. Of all their vapid self-aggrandising what drives me nuts the most, and makes me scream at my TV the loudest, is when they both talk and behave like we are all idiots and the two of them are the fucking geniuses who can outsmart everybody. I’m just waiting for the rest of the shit they put out into the universe to start catching up to them. Oh it will be biiiiuuuuuuuutifiulllllllll!

  21. 21
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 1:13 am

    I think Teresa’s still trying to figure out why Chris Laurita would be so pissed about the 1/16 Italian thing when she was talking about his sister, not him.

  22. 22
    Bitchy lady
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 7:03 am

    I think the cookbook thing WAS a joke – and an old one. The entire thing was on Rachel Ray a few years ago…

    http://www.rachaelrayshow.com/show/segments/view/emreal-housewivesem-meatball-throwdown/

    Eh – I don’t trust any of these bitches – Big Gay Greg included – LOL! I can’t WAIT to see the reunion!! Throw down in Jersey! Who wants to take bets on how many times Teresa flings Andy across the room? Or who she’s gonna chase out of the room?

    Great recap ChickBomb!

  23. 23
    tweetygirl
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 8:58 am

    heres the thing for me about this show and the rest of the franchise: i have to keep reminding myself that they are all bravo/cash driven. the problem as i see it, is that the participants are not the brightest bulbs in the lamp to begin with, and as the shows progress they start to believe/buy into their own hype. everyone one of them got into it not just for the fame but for the opportunities to brand themselves and make obscene amounts of dough. i think that is why there is such a progression/deterioration from the first season to later ones. the competition is all about striking while the iron is hot, for all of them. all are trying to max out before their 15 minutes are up. plus they have all been given their orders by bravo, and i dont think they can even go to the bathroom without bravos ok. so you start out with bravo giving them direction/suggestions, and then they reach a point where they forget these beefs were all manufactured in the fist place. cookbooks, and unattended children, and dont talk about my fambly, and whos hotter-i call bs on all of it. and the only people i feel sorry for are the kids on these shows, cause they are all going to be facing absolute bullying hell from their peers. although i gotta say the gimme pizza you old troll, will live in history as one of the best lines of tv dialogue ever! just my two cents…

  24. 24
    Sassygrl72
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 9:51 am

    I don’t know why everyone worships Caroline. She has smack talked everyone, including Teresa, for multiple seasons. And when she isn’t, her kids are, and she isn’t stopping them (guilt by association). She doesn’t have to worry about someone else’s shit stinking her up, she stinks just fine on her own.

    And Teresa did tell Mel that Audrianna’s dress was pink AND purple when they were talking on the phone.

  25. 25
    sheesh
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 10:08 am

    @kthxbai “I think Teresa’s still trying to figure out why Chris Laurita would be so pissed about the 1/16 Italian thing when she was talking about his sister, not him”

    Funny and true….LOL!

  26. 26
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 10:11 am

    @Thatswhatshesaid- thank you for the update! Holy shhhh! Staub did NOT think that was Milania…nevermind. But yes, very suspect indeed…

  27. 27
    sunshine
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Chickbomb – awesome recap! Thanks.

    TMurda – I agree with everything you say and I was laughing through all of it.

    polk8dot – I don’t know about the Caroline comment but I believe someguy wrote Kate, as in Kate Gosselin. At least that’s how I read it.

    Also, the stripper comment from Tre about Christopher still annoys me b/c that bitch held up a nasty cock ring on national tv. Who is she to judge? Insanity!

  28. 28
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    ChickBomb or someone else from Jersey can you please explain, is it a Garden state thing to say:

    “blah blah, blah. RIGHT NOW?” ~ Snooki does it too.

    Milania I and Milania II had me howling! And, also thinking: REDRUM!

    I can say on thing this ginzo Gypsy and her whole ginzo fambly pan fry their meatballs. No disrespect to anyone else cuz I respect you but, that would be sacrilege in my house if you did otherwise. Just sayin’

    EFF Captcha today!

  29. 29
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    *one DERP!

  30. 30
    Pyper
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Tmurda -So Tre just looks retarded for even trying to pull that “it was a JOKE!” bullshit. If Tre is soooo italian, then she should know that saying Caro is “only” 1/16th Italian would be insulting. And it’s amazing to me that she can say “nobody can take a joke anymore?” with a straight face

    I wonder if all the people the Guidice’s jipped out of paying think its a joke.. a very hefty 11 million dollar joke

  31. 31
    Rib
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Great recap! But it wasn’t a hammer she used to hang the picture. It was a meat tenderizer! Isn’t Juicy suppose to be in construction among other things?

  32. 32
    Fan-Ann
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    I am crazy about TheFauxMilaniaG on twitter. During this last show as the family was gathering for the portrait she tweeted “WHAT THE HELL AM I WEARING? this is so embarrassing.” Then. ” I love listening to my mom talk about discipline as I beat the shit out of my sisters” Whoever faux Milania is, they are very clever…..but of course no more so than ChickBomb!

  33. 33
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    @Gypsy: Thanks for the clarification on the fight between TFMG and Danielle. I don’t follow Danielle, only TFMG so I just saw one side of the fight plus the retweets and it looked like Danielle did think it was the real Milania because she criticized Teresa for letting her daughter be on Twitter. But maybe I got it wrong. Anyhoo, I’m glad TFMG is back! :)

  34. 34
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted October 13, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    @thatswhatshesaid-I also follow TFMG. Whomever that is, they are a riot. When I started following the “real” Milania, I still thought he/she was a riot. How can you not see that the poster is having fun mocking Teresa?! Danielle is an idiot!!

    I still think Milania had the best line of the season also “give me some pizza you old troll!” Yes I agree that Audriana looks like the milkmans kid! We really didn’t see that much of the milkmans kid did we? Poor girl! I still say she can come and live with me. She will have her own room, and I won’t make her wear any animal print.

  35. 35
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 14, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Two more days until the finale, part 1. I hope it’s not an entire hour of innuendos and cut to commercial with a 30 second blip that ends up being the cliff hanger for the second week. But who are we kidding? It’s Bravo.

  36. 36
    hot cawfee
    Posted October 14, 2011 at 9:53 am

    I hate to be “one of THOSE people” but milkman’s kid ( Gabriella) looks alot like Gin and Juicy’s Mom. But its fun to dish !!! Poor kid goes unnoticed with Milania Milania’ing all the time. I love her– she is off the charts—if I can’t have Gay Greg or Gay Jamie Laurita then I must insist on Milania as Housewife.

  37. 37
    Jason
    Posted October 14, 2011 at 11:53 am

    None of these zagnuts is Italian, and couldn’t find Italy on a map if their lives depended on it. For that matter, they couldn’t find NJ on a map either.

  38. 38
    hot cawfee
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    OK– just watched the episode– Lauren is huge and Critter-fuurrr is porking up too
    And to be end on a positive—I adore Milania and Milania 2 (gorgeous child)and the family photo was beautiful
    Please make Rosie and Jamie the Gay housewives— maybe Borin’ Lauren could give her a makeover ?????

  39. 39
    kthxbai
    Posted October 16, 2011 at 2:12 am

    @hot cawfee ROFL! That’s exactly how Caroline says it when she’s calling him his baby name!

    He’s going to be Critter Fur to me forever now!

  40. 40
    shana
    Posted October 16, 2011 at 5:44 am

    @ polk8dot and others who didn’t understand my comment about how Caro could be more stupid than Ashley: Sorry, I had to be away from my computer for a few days and only now saw your postings.

    My answer: It is all about how you define wisdom. I find Ashley to be dumber than wood, and Caroline saying that Ashley is smarter than them all…well, how smart can Caro be? Is Ashley more manipulative? For sure. Is she more conniving? Definitely. But smarter? Not a good advertisement for your own brilliance, Caroline.

    I also find Caroline’s take on things–her advise and synopsis of any given situation–to be cliched, bland, and unoriginal. I am sick to death of hearing the same exact phrases we have heard again and again coming from her mouth like they are priceless jewels. Any one of the tvgasm writers (or commentators for that matter) are more original, insightful and well-versed than anything that has come out of Caroline’s mouth–ever. I also believe Caroline to be an extreme hypocrite and a bit of a manipulator herself.

    Because Caroline is as old as she is, AND BECAUSE SHE ESPOUSES TO BE SOME WISE COUNSELOR, I find her ignorance to be intolerable, whereas Ashley is exactly what she appears to be–a somnolent, comatose kid who wants her daddies to pay for her reckless and indulgent lifestyle. She is exactly who she appears to be–an idiot. And for the simplicity of that, I call Caroline out on her lack of self-awareness.

    I hope that I have explained myself properly. You may certainly disagree–obviously–but know that my feelings toward Caroline were never great to begin with. I didn’t like from the first episode how Jacqi came to the Manzo’s house and everybody ripped into Ashley’s behavior. She was hell wrong to do what she did, but a ‘black sheep’ will remain a ‘black sheep’ as long as everyone expects them to. I think that was Chris Laurita’s point in this last episode–instead of shaking your head uselessly, with the whole ‘woe is to us, what shall become of Ashley?’ attitude, get up and guide this girl–who has obviously never gotten it before, or she wouldn’t be acting like a wandering eleven year old that has grown boobs before she can emotionally handle it (and therefore starts acting slutty, thinking that is what she is supposed to do). I, PERSONALLY, have a problem with parents who moan and groan about their kids while putting little to no effort into making them good people to start with–I mean, how the hell did Ashley get to the point where she was failing out of highschool and Jacq had yet to intervene? An involved parent would have known the first time their kid did badly on a test and missed doing her homework.

    Everyone keeps saying how they have all talked to Ashley, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. Well, except for Jacq’s dad, THEY HAVE ALL SAID THE SAME EXACT THING: “you are lazy, you have screwed up, your chances for making it in life are bad, we are so dissapointed, get your act together, blah, blah, blah (as Ashley would hear it). After awhile, it sounds like one run on sentence and she will just tune it all out. I have said this before, Ashley needs someone to put up some original ideas (that include Ashley’s input), instead of the same, “blah, you’re lazy, blah, you dropped out of school, blah you are blah…” Again: SOME ORIGINALITY PLEASE! I am not saying it will work, but I can tell you that what they are doing isn’t going to work at all!

    Also, I hate the way Caroline treats Lauren while she dispenses child rearing advice like it was tic tacs. When it comes to child rearing of the female sex, I question everything Caroline has to offer. ‘Nuff said.

  41. 41
    hot cawfee
    Posted October 17, 2011 at 9:17 am

    @shana— I think Carol is a-looking to get her platitude/fortune cookie fortune/quasi malapropisms put on coffee mugs and tee shirts.
    The only thing I will pay for is “Gimme pizza you old troll!!!!!”
    But yes– Caro lacks alot of personal insight–Your daughter is a classic middle-child. Albie is the oldest, smartest and best-looking. Critter-furrr (yes kthx–I cannot stop it–lol)is according to season one– the funniest and a “ladies man” ( umm…hmmm..maybe I am too picky). Lauren– the fat one, stupid one and not blesed with motivation. I will credit her for pursuing her cosmetics thing, but you have Dad’s money and Mom’s TV show. If you want to help her– kick her out of the house and off the show– the Manzo kids are on the Bravo payroll.
    Hey— I want Lauren to get her own gig going— maybe her own reality show— a weightloss, single girl with a boy-friend–my mother makes me crazy–themed show.

  42. 42
    Bitchy lady
    Posted October 17, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Shana – I actually think that was well said. And I agree with a lot of it. Mama Manzo has turned into a sanctimonious boor.

  43. 43
    shana
    Posted October 17, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    @ Bitchy lady: Thank You Bitchy lady (love the screen name)!

  44. 44
    Bitchy lady
    Posted October 17, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Thanks :) It’s my husbands pet name for me ;)

  45. 45
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 17, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    @hot cawfee that Milania quote is #1 on Milania top ten moments on Nad’s newsgasm clip from this morning. Check it out if you like, I was dying! Serioiusly good stuff!

  46. 46
    Sam
    Posted September 24, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    After watching the finale last night, I question the integrity of Melissa and Kathy, joe gorga and rich. First of all, you sat in the same room with your sister , cousin, while Caroline called her trash on your california trip and none of you defended Teresa. I am 100% Italian , with a large family and I would never sit back and listen to some dumb bitch call my sister or cousin trash. You should have been the bigger person and all left and never spoke to Caroline again. Every time you have a problem Caroline is there adding fuel to the fire, she over steps her boundaries and is not a good person, hell, she can’t even get along with her sister and she bullies jacquline continually. Money has taken priority over family in your life. Everyone in the gorga family needs to cut Caroline manzo out of their life and start to repair their relationships, your parents and your children take priority over anyone and everyone.

  47. 47
    Priyanka
    Posted October 18, 2012 at 10:52 pm

    I know I’m coming to this article really late, but I hope you get to see my comment – mostly because I love your recap, but also because I just have a tiny little criticism! :)

    Let me just say that this is hilarious. You can snark with the snarkiest of them and I love it.

    But I winced a lot at the repeated “virgin” joke. Can we all just amiably agree that making fun of virgins is pretty much as offensive as making fun of sluts? If you replace “virgin” with “slut” in every instance where “virgin” appears in that post, would you see why it’s offensive?

    Maybe I’m more sensitive to this because I’m a virgin and in the past a few people have ridiculed my choice.
    Many sexually active people have this idea in their minds that virgins are narrow-minded, religious fanatics. (Not all of us are.) (We actually plan to be huge sluts with our husbands after marriage.) I think that shows a kind of narrow-minded intolerance. I’m totally cool with my friends choosing to have threesomes and orgies, on the other hand, so does that mean that I’m actually more open-minded than the supposedly liberal, sexually active people who judge me?

    Basically: If the Wakiles want their daughter to wait, then good for them. They’re reality TV stars who have some family values, which makes them freaks of nature. It’s better than watching Kris Jenner pimp out her highly sexualized daughters for TV ratings, right?

    Anyway, that was all I had to say. Great recap otherwise!

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