RHONJ Recap: THE COOKBOOK Is The New THE CHRISTENING

Welcome to the season premiere of Real Housewives of New Jersey! Why bother petending this is new stuff? We just pick up right where we left off – at last year’s reunion, right in the thick of the Where’s Jacqee? crisis.

We’re reminded that Jacquee is a “bad place emotionally” and it’s all because of Teresa. In case you’re wondering why, Teresa reminds Andy, and us, that “we can’t go there cause that’s fourth season, remember?” – thus, setting up the longest reality show cliffhanger in the history of the world.

Aaaand we’re back with the “four months earlier” screen – seriously, how far back are we going here? Is it the 90s yet? Midget Joe is belly flopping into his pool. Kat is just sitting around sucking on a hookah, like it’s no big deal. Mel is on display, on display, on display – I’m so sorry about this, but you’re probably going to be getting a lot of the on display, on – well, you get it. It’s not my fault. I’m not the one who decided to use such old material.

Oh, and there’s Rosie! America’s favorite lesbian is all over this episode. Today she’s resplendent in camouflage and gnawing on a chicken bone.

Declaring war on Ellen and Jane Lynch.

Kat, on cue, starts a conversation about “new beginnings”. What’s that you say? New beginnings? Well, everyone knows what new beginnings mean, and that’s THE COOKBOOK!

Mel casually mentions that she heard she was mentioned in it. Please. You were sent over galley pages with your production schedule.

Of course the whole problem behind THE COOKBOOK is that Teresa’s threatened. Of what? You guys are sitting around watching Midge do a Chippendales act with his pecs in the kiddie pool while Kat smokes a hookah. Teresa’s at her house booking The Apprentice.

Well, what did it say, Midge recites his line. Oh, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, everyone is quick to brush him off. Although, adds Mel in just a tiny little afterthought…or three…THE COOKBOOK does say that Tre sees the Gorgas several times a week which is a lie, and she wishes Mel didn’t copy everything she did, and oh yeah, there’s also that ‘you can’t pick your family’ comment – but really, really, it doesn’t matter.

Midge pretends this is the first time he’s hearing these allegations, and he’s pissed. That part seems real, though. Those Gorgas just seem to have a simmering hatred for each other. They’re like minestrone that bursts into flames.

Mel has checked off all three things in THE COOKBOOK that no one, least of all Midge should be upset about, so now she’s back to “oh, it’s not that often, it’s just childish”. Lebanese Dilbert chimes in to “burn the bitch at the stake” which certainly seems to match the direness of THE COOKBOOK situation.

And Kat, high on the hookah, starts spinning a theory about how Old Teresa has lost her way, so now New Teresa is Real Teresa, but maybe Future Teresa could be the Real Teresa that’s more like Old Teresa. I’m just wondering if any of these Teresas is going to be driven by an unknown force to change history for the better.

Kat blames the whole thing on Teresa’s “public persona”, which is kind of true. She’s basically locked in to the lovable sociopath role, so even if she wanted to walk away…

And it’s more Teresa bashing, and a little Brown Smurf bashing too. Her brother says she’s probably miserable with him. I’m probably not going to disagree.

But who cares because the next thing I know, Rosie is waving a half-eaten rib in the air and threatening that if anyone messes with her family, she’ll rip their heart out and eat it!

I’d actually probably first dip it in a little ketchup.

And in an SUV on some suburban highway, guess what the Manzos are doing? You’ll never guess. Sit down for this one – they’re bashing Teresa! How is everyone coming up with such original things to do?

They’re on their way to Jacquee’s house, where it’s not 15 seconds before an Olive Garden joke is made. I feel some more of THE COOKBOOK coming on. I don’t know how to explain the hunch…I’m just, like, really able to get into their heads. I don’t know. It’s a gift.

Sure enough, having set the stage with the passive-aggressive Olive Garden comment, it’s now time for Caroline to say that she’s totally fine with THE COOKBOOK.

But, even though Caroline’s totally, totally fine with it – well, she was hurt. Immediately followed by “but I’m not in the mood, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

Having established her mood as not wanting to talk about it, it’s now time to break out the speech about wearing her heart on her sleeve, and what a loyal friend she’s been. I will cut the sarcasm for two seconds to say that I agree – I think Caroline was loyal to Teresa, beyond reason.

And then, just to make things as dull as possible, someone brings up Moonface Ashley. Jacquee is at the “end of the rope”.

So does that mean there’s gonna be no rope left for me to hang myself if I have to hear one more word about this?

Lauren Manzo informs us that Moonface is now a blonde Moonface with lots of tattoos. Broke, unemployed and about to get kicked out of your parents’ house? Well, I can’t think of a better time in your life to document all over your body.

It’s coming to a boiling point, everyone recites mechanically. “We’ll deal with it,” says Chris Manzo, mentally deciding what kind of car to buy her for her move-out present.

And finally Teresa is there! No one seems too excited. Caroline is making some kind of spicy corn on the cob, and Teresa’s first order of business is to insult it.

You’re corn on the cob’s shit! Hahahahahah! It’s a joke! Get it?

Teresa wastes no time invoking THE COOKBOOK and soon enough she’s dragging Caroline outside for a private heart to heart. Teresa says she wants to clear the air. Caroline tries to act droll and say she doesn’t need Teresa to “kiss her ring”, she just wants her to“admit it and tell me ya did it”. Perhaps she thought if she made it into a fun, rhyming cheer Teresa would want to say it but I’m not holding my breath.

And of course, Teresa has no plan whatsoever to apologize for anything. In fact, when you get right down to it, she explains, it’s actually the Manzos’ own fault for misreading the book. “If ya read it good I didn’t insult you,” she concludes. Well now, who can argue that kind of logic?

Everyone stays on message about how undyingly loyal they are, and then Teresa ups the ante with some imaginary heart palpitations. If she didn’t care, would her heart be beating like this? I can’t get enough of the inscrutable Guidice logic.

My brain is made of Froot Loops. Melissa’s so jealous.

And then Caroline pulls her ace…the strip carwash. How dare Teresa insult Christopher and his car wash idea! Well, no logic required to figure this one out – duh, it was a joke, Teresa cackles! It’s funny! And I’m sorry, but if you’re going to be brandishing about some dumbass idea like this for public consumption, then you deserve to be ridiculed in print by an illiterate nutcase.

Caroline, who’s not bothered by any of it and just glad she could help Teresa sell cookbooks now wants to defend Mel and Kat’s honor from THE COOKBOOK. Hey Teresa, in your next book make sure to include Caroline Manzo’s Original Stirred Sh*t recipe.

Then there’s more chitchat about loyalty, people saying how they feel, THE COOKBOOK, family and world peace. Well, maybe not all of those topics were covered.

And then, in a classic Teresa move, she personally hands Caroline an autographed copy of THE COOKBOOK, which I’m sure is sleeping with the fishes by the time Caroline gets home. Then she tells Caroline she loves her, and when Carline won’t say it back, Teresa immediately calls her a “cold bitch”.

Yay, loyalty!

Then we get back to the Gorgas, and are first treated to the funny looking baby, who’s now a funny looking one year old, peeing. Yes, that’s right. We’re tuning in to watch a toddler urinate somewhere in New Jersey. Everyone feeling so great about this right now?

Anyway, they’re packing for a trip to the Jersey Shore! Wow, the originality of this production is really blowing me away. How did they dream up this groundbreaking locale? Bravo’s such a think-tank.

The Gorgas are packing up sex toys, cause you know, sex sells and everything, and then we cut to the Wakiles who are packing the same thing. Lebanese Dilbert is yammering about his “enhancement gel”, which gives me all the ammunition I need to have nightmares for the rest of my life, and Kat is telling him to bury it in the suitcase because she doesn’t want anyone seeing it.

Being on TV means you’re invisible. Where’s my hookah?

They’re borrowing a friend’s house for the weekend. Kat tells us she loves every part of the Jersey shore. The ripped bodies, the coconuts – and hold up there crazy eyes, the coconuts? What palm trees are in Jersey? And what the hell is in that hookah?

 

What I love most about the Jersey shore is all the koala bears.

Lebanese Dilbert knows better than to let a scene pass them by without some mention of Teresa, so he says that he hopes things won’t be too close for comfort. Kat tells him to be nice. “You act like I’m not nice,” he whines, conveniently forgetting his poolside edict to burn Teresa at the stake.

Finally, we catch up with the Guidices, who are late for a change. And look who’s ready for her closeup? It’s the original spawn of Satan herself, Milania! And she’s screaming about poop! Teresa admonishes her to apologize, which Milania explains will be simply impossible, as she is in the middle of chewing gum. Teresa accepts this very sensible explanation, and everyone moves on.

Then she tells us that things have been rough for her, what with the tabloids and the arrests. But at the end of the day, she’d rather have Joe than a nanny. She then leaves Brown Smurf in charge of rolling up some kind of tent-y tarmac thing that he completely screws up.

He finally hoists the thing over his shoulder and onto the car while Milania stands by telling him that he’s a dragon. The baby sits in the car seat, looking like she’s ready to spend the day at the mall picking up other babies who will someday drive Camaros. I haven’t seen Gia so far, and the Milkman’s kid is most likely rolled up in the blue tarmac thing.

Ugh, and then it’s time to see Moonface. She is trying to vacuum and old Skittle brain can’t even figure that out. The four year old little brother has to help her. Oh, also she’s blonde like and her lips look like they’re suffering from an allergic reaction.

Jacquee is awaiting the arrival of her life coach. Seriously? Lady, you sit around a mansion all day and whine about your failure of a daughter. You have the most boring life I’ve ever seen and you need to be coached for it?

Of course it’s not so much life coaching as it is just complaining to a new person about the spoiled leech currently upstairs trying to use the vacuum to scrub her shower.

Although, I’d be concerned about this. No good can come of a two year old in a newsboy cap.

So the latest problem with Moonface is she calls them at 2 am cause she’s too drunk to drive home. Oh, so sorry that she’s messing with your beauty sleep! Who cares what havoc your drunk daughter wrecks on the highway as long as you don’t have to take accountability for raising such a monster.

“It’s hard to watch her self-destruct,” Jacquee whines. Are you kidding me? It’s not happening nearly fast enough. The sooner she lands in rehab, the better for all involved. She goes on to complain that the day Moonface does finally figure it out, Jacquee won’t even get to appreciate it. Honey, I would not worry about that day coming anytime before – well, anytime ever.

The best part is while in the midst of complaining about how bad she screwed up Moony, the little newsboy nearly takes a flying leap off the elevated patio. Jacquee goes racing to his rescue, and the “life coach” jokes that she can’t control the little one either. Jacquee does not look happy, but I’m smirking from here to China.

Hey, it’s been a whole three minutes and seven seconds without mention of THE COOKBOOK. But before we alert the authorities, it’s Midge Joe to the rescue. Out of nowhere, he tells Mel that during a recent phone conversation with Teresa, she told him that if a richer guy came along, Mel would leave him. Wait, what does that have to do with THE COOKBOOK?

Mel realizes the same thing and hastily replies that she can’t understand why Teresa would be saying such things to Midge when Mel has been such a sweetie-pie about THE COOKBOOK! Ah, there it is. Whew, that was a close one.

So what do you think could be behind the venom of THE COOKBOOK? All together now – insecurity! Jealously! Miserable at home! Oh, and Midge throws in a “demented” for good measure, cause hey, it’s all about family loyalty.

Mel does a wonderful job of acting like she wishes Midge didn’t tell her about Teresa’s comment. Midge threatens that insulting a man’s wife is like playing with fire, but of course Mel’s there to remind us that she’s definitely letting it go. Midge too assures us he’s “sick of it” and “over it”. Well, then that’s that. I’m confident the topic will never be mentioned again.

Speaking of Teresa, she’s on the road with Brown Smurf and the kids. She is of course driving while Smurfy takes a load off – and if anyone deserves a break, it’s Brown Smurf. All that loafing around the house and grumbling takes a lot out of a guy.

All Teresa can do is chirp that she loves him, and ask him to say it back, which he won’t. Does anyone remember “happy wife, happy life”? Well, probably for the best if you don’t cause the next topic is what he was doing the night before which was hanging out with “this girl and a couple of people”.

Teresa wants to know who. Smurfy doesn’t remember, except there was “a girl and whatever, I forget their names.”

“Why do you keep saying ‘ladies’?” trills Gia from the backseat, momentarily looking up from the iPod touch that scandalized the bankrupt Christmas before. “It was business Gia so shut up,” Daddy of the year snaps at her. Business? What business?

Of course Smurfy is too stupid to realize that his daughter is far smarter than he is, and she’s right back at him with, “What do going out with ladies have to do with business?”, before returning to her iPod, satisfied with the last word.

Well, I’m having a perfectly good time in the Guidice car, but some clueless editor thinks we want to go to the doctor’s office with Caroline. I don’t even want to go the doctor’s office with myself, why the hell would I want to watch her go?

Now, if this was Beverly Hills or OC, this doctor’s appointment would obviously be for a much needed facelift, but here in Jersey it’s migraines and menopause. That’s the diagnosis. Caroline is seriously freaked out by the verdict. Menopause? Not her, she insists. She continues to complain of mood swings and short patience. He suggests new friends.

I suggest take a look at the cameras that you allowed to set up shop in your office and play ball, doc.

Our ears are now treated to a delightful, songlike, “Who gives a fuck?” Guess whooooooo? Time to check back in with the Guidices!

Their shore house is small with a slanted roof. It kind of looks dumpy, but it’s hard to tell over there with all the “gentrification”. Or as ChickBro describes it: “Nice house, crack house, nice house, crack house.” The Guidice house is somewhere in between. But it’s a cute place.

Milania immediately launches into a hysterical fit over what appears to be a mouse or a rat crawling out of the blue tarp thing. I still can’t figure out what it is or what it’s for, besides transporting the milkman’s kid. Oh, maybe she’ll be sleeping there too. Or maybe it’s a raft? I’m so curious and I’ll probably never have the answers cause whatever vermin was living in the thing ate it all up.

 

Yo, milkman’s kid – ya in there?

Over in the Gorga car, things are more organized, loving and boring. Mel is prattling on about how she has to wash sheets and get the house ready. Midge is ready to go swimming. They bought a “small house” on the shore, he tells us practically winking, and every year they have to make it better. I have the best idea – why don’t you install a camera with a live feed of your beach house to the Guidices’ beach house, and then install a camera with a live feed of their beach house, so you can watch them being jealous of you. A lot of AV work, I know but it really cuts out the middleman.

Midge’s actual idea for house betterment is to soundproof the walls. He tells us it’s because there’s going to be a lot of “Gorgasms” going on – everyone pause to barf, I totally understand. But I’m pretty sure the real reason for the soundproofing is someone’s singing again.

And they pull up to a full on construction zone. Mel is freaking out. Midge jokes that it’s ready to start cleaning. The pool is green. Midge still wants to jump in, and wants his kids to come with him. “They can get ‘empentaigo’!” screeches Melissa. You know I love the Gorgas but they have a lot to learn about fake reality show scenes.

Shockingly, the Wakile house is the nicest! It looks every estate-like. And there’s Rosie!

Who could resist this gratuitous shot?

Lebanese Dilbert yells at Kat to make lunch. Then the Gorgas show up with what appears to be an entire closet full of clothes on hangers, no suitcases and about 37 jumbo purses with various logos all over them.

Okay, now that we’ve got everyone settled into their shore houses, let’s start the action. At the Guidices’ Brown Smurf is lifting weights. It’s probably a very stressful experience for the weights.

The baby wanders around with big bag of marshmallows. Gia’s lounging on the couch, still playing with her iPod. It’s a great set up for Teresa to call Smurfy into a room and talk about what the tabloids are saying about him. “Whatever happens, happens,” he mumbles, clearly very concerned.

Teresa continues that Gia’s too young and she doesn’t need to know about anything that’s going on because she’ll worry. She’ll keep asking about the cheating, Teresa explains. She’ll want to know. And if she finds out that he is cheating, she’ll hate him. Gia, I mean. Gia will keep asking and want to know and hate him if it’s true. Alllll Gia.

“It is what it is,” he shrugs, his concern mounting dangerously.

Then he tells her that “this is the life you chose”. Oh, so now it’s all Teresa’s fault. But Teresa, in her infinite delusion, continues that she loves him and supports him, to which he replies, “ whattaya gonna do”.

I defy you to look at this and tell me Teresa’s not loyal.

There’s a barbeque going on at the Wakiles. THE COOKBOOK is taking a nap, and so it’s time to talk about the tabloids, which are strewn with photos of Teresa posing with her kids and headlines like “How am I gonna live without Joe?” Lebanese Dilbert says that they need the money. Midge puffs out his shiny brown chest and says that his sister should talk to him and not to magazines. He vows to cut her a check every month, if Smurfy goes to jail.

Midge is a loyal, dedicated brother, okay? Everybody got that? Great, cause now it’s time to remind everyone that the last time he tried to talk to her, she shut him down. Oh, and she said that thing about how if Mel met a richer guy, she’d leave him.

“She’s jealous! She’s projecting!” shout the masses, who are all really over it and all about new beginnings.

“She should have married someone more like you!” someone yells, and that’s enough to get Kat’s Mom (and Ter and Midge’s aunt) to tell everyone to shut up. Rosie pipes in that she personally is not a threat to Teresa. She’s chubby, she has short hair and she lives with her mother. Of course, she also just made a conversation about Teresa all about Rosie, which is the ultimate threat of all but maybe that’s Season Five.

This week’s Bravo we’re back but not really back segment features Milania smearing blue chalk all over the sidewalk and her face. Sorry kid, you’re gonna have to up your game a little. Start rehearsing another exploratory walk through the cheese plate cooler at the supermarket.

And finally, it’s time for the beach day! Midge informs us that his wife is the hottest on the beach. Having seen her brother suck up to little Gia on camera all Season Three, Teresa executes an attack on poor little Antonia, Mel and Midge’s kid. “Me and Tio Joe love you,” she copies. Antonia doesn’t look too interested. She wants to go sit with Miliania. Well, who wouldn’t?

Lebanese Dilbert and Midge sit off to the side and talk about the star of the show. Lebanese Dilbert fake worries about what the future holds for Tre. Then he tells Midge to take advantage of her now, when she is at a weak point.

And what good is a day at the beach if you can’t ruin it with a walk on the streets of Franklin Lakes. It’s Caroline, Lauren and Jacqee and it’s less of a power walk then a really lame advertisement for that stupid BLK water. Lauren’s wearing the shirt, and they’re all holding a bottle of it. I don’t see one of them drinking it, but they’re all accessorizing with it.  Of course over in the offices at Uncle Pat’s farm, they’re probably high-fiving over this brilliant marketing strategy.

Oh, but black water is no match for THE COOKBOOK! They all agree that it’s not a joke and it’s not because they “didn’t read it good” either. “Well, whatever, at least we brought it to her attention,” Lauren muses, leaving the door wide open for about 8,000 more conversations about it.

Caroline reminds us that Teresa took advantage of her loyalty and friendship, and then tosses in that Teresa is threatened by her, too. Of course she is. Jacquee says that Teresa’s Guidice mind tricks don’t work on Caroline. But they do on her, she adds.

I’ll have to work on that at the next session with my life coach.

And Jaquee’s got a lot on her mind. Oh crap, here we go. They’re stressed. They’re frustrated. They’re at their breaking point. And? And, yeah, that’s about it. Well, glad we got that covered.

So let’s go back to the beach! Teresa is sitting with Midge and Brown Smurf is in the water with the kids. Midge takes Lebanese Dilbert’s advice and mentions the In Touch story. Teresa tells him not to bring it up. He insists that as her brother, he is always there for her. He even takes off his sunglasses, the universal sign for utter sincerity.

Well, now that you mention it, Teresa starts, there was that week when Smurfy was “away” – translated: incarcerated – and Midge didn’t even call! Oh. Well, there’s a new wrinkle.

Midge has a perfectly good excuse – because he already called her once about the bankruptcy, and she shut him down. But what about the impassioned, sunglasses-off speech from 30 seconds ago of how he’s always there for her? Doesn’t matter, declares Joe, cause then there was that other time when he lent them $25,000.

Teresa does not appreciate this little walk down lender’s lane, and then Midge accuses her of being defensive. He looks very smug and pleased with himself. I kind of want to sic Milania on him.

He concludes with a “You need me, I’ll be there”, to which Teresa replies, “Well, where the fuck were you?”

Rather than answering the question, Midge changes the subject to how he was just sitting there, innocently trying to be positive… of course, all while publicly reminding her how broke she is. And to further prove his innocence, he brings up their phone conversation when she told him Mel would leave him for a richer guy.

Well, I heard rumors, Ter tells him. Well I hear rumors too, but do I say anything about your husband? “Yeah, you do!” Ter tells him triumphantly.

And Midge’s got nothing, so he just makes another dramatic promise that he’s gonna knock on her door and take care of her kids. Seeing the argument drawing to a close, Teresa tries to keep it going with a “but I want to be close”. But Midge is done, so they take one of her kids down to the ocean.

At this point, I realize that I haven’t heard THE COOKBOOK mentioned in several minutes here and I’m starting to get worried. I’m starting to go through withdrawl. Are we gonna get a fix before the end of the episode?

No. We’re getting more Moonface. She’s chatting on the phone with a friend about how they want to get piercings soooo bad. Chris fetches her and asks her to sit down in the kitchen. Jacqee is in the other room, so I’m thinking that this might actually be the real deal kick-out…

And it is! Uncle Tom and Aunt Mary from the casting department in Vegas are willing to take her in. Chris says that she has to go there tomorrow, or leave their house regardless. And Moony’s response is nearly Teresa-worthy in its pricelessness – “But I have plans with friends who are home from school!” she wails. Oh no! But probably for the best. Hanging out in your cardboard box on the street with your friends who have actual futures would just be depressing.

“Well, then I know your head is up your ass,” Chris advises her. Then he reiterates that he’s throwing her out the next day. It’s their last and final conversation, and there is no turning back. “Make the right choice,” Jacqee singsongs creepily from the next room.

And finally, the heavens open up wide and the angels start to sing and Moonface agrees to go to Vegas! She is leaving Jersey! She will no longer be clogging up our televisions like old weave stuck in a drain! Did that make sense? No! But who cares, Moonface is OUT!

Well, we hope. We’ve seen her get kicked out before only to return with plastic surgery and a new car. So let’s not get ahead of ourselves yet.

“So I have to cancel my plans? “ she simpers, giving me what I hope will be the last stupid thing I ever hear from her.

“Cancel everything, kid,” says Chris. Jacquee and her granny boobs so don’t deserve this hotness.

And there you have it – the return of RHONJ! What’s on tap for the season? Well, on the fun loving side we’ve got Lebanese Dilbert Jr. and some naked email pictures, Midge acting gay, Mel saying he’s not, Lauren still being chubby, Mel performing, Caroline’s gay brother’s wedding and Brown Smurf driving a mobile home through San Fransisco.

As for the good stuff, Caroline accuses Teresa of destroying a family, Ter wants to be friends, Car can’t look at her, one of the Kims shows up, one of the Joes tell her to shut up, Mel meets up with a strip club owner from her past, lots of yelling, Dina’s back, someone loses a best friend and “evil people in the shape of your friends.”

So, get ready to pretend you haven’t seen a tabloid or been on the internet since the summer and we will pretend re-live the drama together!

Kisses, CB

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