RHONJ Recap: Tour ’12

Recaps

By ChickBomb | Thursday, August 16, 2012 | 12:23 pm | 37 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recaps

Mel says that at first she thought the shared RV was the worst idea ever, but it ended up being the best thing for them.  Midge is happy, so she’s happy.  Kat, in all her innocence and nothing more, asks Mel if she thinks Ter is being authentically nice.  Mel says she does, and she’s going with it and that’s that. 

“Mmmmmm…hmmmmmm.”  

Well, hopefully Kat’s got something up her sleeve to put a stop to all this darn Gorga family togetherness.  And if there’s cannolis involved, all the better. 

And if she doesn’t it’s okay cause Caroline’s on the case.  Back at the camp, she’s grilling Jacquee on the state of things with Ter.  Over in Ter’s RV, her brother’s doing the same thing.  ”Two days, I cried,” she declares to Midge, “Ask Joe.”  Brown Smurf, for his part, smirks and tries to sit upright on the couch. 

Neither Ter nor Jacquee knows how they feel or knows how to fix it and they both just keep making the same old arguments.  Midge says it’s hard to be Ter’s friend because she can’t admit she’s wrong.  Well, true, but I’ve already landed on Ter’s side of this argument.  Jacquee’s a useless busybody. 

So after dinner, Ter drags Jacquee away from the campfire to talk in the RV.  She tells Jacquee that she’s having fun on the trip, but where do they go from here?  Ter says that she was hurt, and Jacquee quickly counters that she was too. 

It’s all about THE AMBUSH, and Jacquee still carrying on about how worried she is about Teresa because Star Magazine told her to be.  Ter keeps telling her she’s not going to jail and if she was, she probably would have mentioned it at some point. Jacquee says Ter wants them to be friends who just don’t ask questions, and Ter tries to explain to her that there’s a differences between being concerned and prying. 

Sensing this argument going nowhere, Jacquee veers back to the days when Ter was trying to get her to hate Melissa.  ”But you didn’t, did you?” squawks Ter in reply.  Not really sure how this makes sense in any context but it sort of sounds right, I guess.   

Outside, the group around the campfire is pretend-nervous.  Come on people, you as good as sent them into the discount den to fight over a 75% off rhinestone belt.  Fireworks are what we’re all hoping for here, let’s be honest.  

Caroline sums it up for us in a dramatic soliloquy. 

A Short Poem Explaining Things

By Caroline Manzo

Where’s Jacqueline? 

Where’s Teresa?

Panic.

And yet another Manzo success!  It’s almost not fair!  

Back in the trailer, Jacquee and Ter are still deciding where to go from here.  Somehow, the conversation has come around to whether or not Teresa is fake.  Ter of course insists she isn’t.  

Then Jacquee says that maybe they should just be acquaintances, then she starts sobbing uncontrollably, then she thinks they should go their separate ways and oh, it’s just so confusing for poor Jacquee’s four lonely brain cells. 

Ter informs Jacquee that at first she didn’t know if she could ever forgive her but, “you know me,” she chortles pleasantly.  Yes, we do.  Teresa Guidice, known worldwide and beyond for her kind forgiving nature.  Oh, and for giving birth to the demon seed Milania, who I would not mind a cameo from at some point in California.  It’s the RV trip from hell.  Only fitting. 

In the end, they sob, they hug and there’s a truce…for now.  Jacquee says she’s just a forgiving person. Wait, who’s the forgiver here? And finally,  it would not be forgiveness without Caro to interject that as sure as her name’s Caroline Manzo, Jacquee is destined to get hurt.  

Next week, it’s drama at the vineyard and finally time see how the whole Brown Smurf “here comes by bitch wife” comment plays out.  ’Til then…Kisses, CB

 

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37 Comments

  1. 1
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Chickbomb.
    This was hilarios! Loved the poem.

  2. 2
    aliens.rock
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    Boring episode, good recap. It seems to me that boring epsodes can be gold mines of snarky comments. The less actual drama, the more opportunities to laugh at idiots…It is almost like watching a freaky family at a water park or something. You wonder, don’t they have even an ounce of selfconsciuosness? Nah….

  3. 3
    LaurenB52
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    I really cannot stand Melissa and Jacqui. Not so much from anything that’s happening on the show but for their blogs on bravo. Melissa is such a fake and although Teresa is definately a flawed woman and has been wrong in some instances, I wouldn’t call her fake. In the real world what woman wouldn’t want her friends to side with her against somebody she has a serious beef with? Why is that such a heinous crime? I don’t think she ever asked that Jacqui do anything malicious to Melissa just that she remain on her side. As a friend for 10 years I feel like that would be natural instinct.

    In there fights it seems to me that Tre is genuinely trying to figure out what Jac is so upset about (which I still don’t know either) and Jac is throwing a million things at the wall to see what sticks. First its, ‘you don’t open up to me about your problems’, then its ‘you wanted me to hate Melissa, and you keep fighting with your family’ then its ‘you don’t ask me about my problems’ then its ‘you brought Danielle back fom the dead’ and when it becomes clear that none of these explanations makes sense she just inexplicably begins to sob so that its clear that SHE’S the victim here. She is so manipulative. She wrote a 7 page rambling erratic blog this week and STILL hasn’t given one coherent reason for what has her so upset.

    As for Melissa, I’m soooo sick of her innocent little angel act. “Teresa is so mean and hateful but i’ll keep turning the other cheek as long as Joe’s happy”. she knows exactly what she’s doing. Why is it that she never admitted to or apologized for contacting Danielle to bring Tre down until there was indisputable proof? And her explanation was, ‘we were in a bad place then’. Why then does she continue to make it seem like she’s never done anything wrong and Tre is the monster? The way I see it, they’ve both been passive aggressive assholes to eachother and both wants to come out looking like the victim. Melissa just seems more scheming than Tre does to me b/c Tre admits she didnt like Melissa and will be upfront with the things she says about her, but Melissa makes these passive agressive comments and schemes behind the scenes while playing innocent victim for the cameras, which imo is worse.

  4. 4
    Stephanie P
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    “Two Meatballs and a Canoe” killed. I’d get that stitched on a pillow. Gawd what a boring episode. You’re dead on about the Manzo Elders. I’d try to slice my wrists with Al’s dull hatchet if I had to spend that much time around judgemental Thing 1 and Thing 2.

  5. 5
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    Dear Jacqueline:

    Please put down the wine glass and stop crying because NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.

    Thank you.

    Dear Lauren:

    I sympathize with you on the misfortune of having a crazy ass mysoginistic witch for a mother. I really do. That’s a tough break. But when you begin to make Ashlee look like a fun engaging resourceful enterprising brain trust, it is time to reevaluate your life. Stop crying, start doing. It’s quite the concept.

    You’re welcome.

    P.S.: I realize you have very low self esteem but when your fiance starts spreading his bare ass cheeks to moon passersby you really need to dump him and set the bar for a life’s mate a little higher. Surely even you can do better than that.

  6. 6
    labowner
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    “In the real world what woman wouldn’t want her friends to side with her against somebody she has a serious beef with?”

    Sorry LaurenB52 I have to disagree with you. It’s called being an adult and fighting your own battles. I wouldn’t want to be around such an immature person that believes I have to dislike the same people they do. Tre’s beef is just that Tre’s not Jackie’s.

    Can’t wait until next week. Of course Teresa already has an article in In Touch about how embarrassed she was having to watch this.

  7. 7
    hot cawfee
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    You got it LaurenB– am not buying Mel’s saint act either.

    AM waitng to watch this episode– RHNJ is not On Demand on cable–hhmm– but Honey BooBoo is and RHNYC. More ways to mess with me.

    I do want to see Lapband lose her squash. And the whole Albie/Lindsey thing?? Please–she is going to be another roomie—its not “living together”–she is sharing an aptartment. How much facetime will she get??? I am wondering if this is a NoNo as a Jet cheerleader.????? Maybe some kind of Morals or Decency clause???

  8. 8
    labowner
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    Shit forgot – how much whining did Ashlee do because she wasn’t invited? Wasn’t this the trip Caroline mentioned when they went and visited her?

  9. 9
    Rosemary's Baby
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    WHAT was with Melissa’s ridiculous, over-the-top screaming?! Was she auditioning for a role in a slasher movie? I wanted to bitch-slap her right through the tv screen.

  10. 10
    LaurenB52
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    @Labowner

    I totally hear you on fighting your own battles. It’s def not my style to bully/gang up on ppl but I didnt get the impression that that’s what Tre wanted (maybe I’m wrong), just loyalty. Its one thing if theres a pre-existing group of friends and two have a falling out. Then you don’t take sides. But if I have a sister in law I’ve had a long fued with and a person I’ve been friends with for 10 years and they DON’T know eachother, and the friend knows of the pre-existing beef, I’d be a little annoyed if they became BFF once they were introduced (through me at that). It’s natural to vent to your close friends about people you don’t get along with and if that friend then meets the person and they become besties, that wouldn’t bother you even a little bit? if not you’re a far better person than me lol

  11. 11
    wow
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    @LaurenB52 – I see where you’re coming from as far as Jackie and Melissa only knowing each other through Teresa so Teresa may expect Jackie to have her back BUT I think that is ignoring the fact that they are all on a TV show which clearly forces interaction in some form or fashion between the cast. We were never shown Jackie befriending Melissa until she interacted with her on a somewhat regular basis while filming and I think its understandable that that is a different situation requiring a different approach. At least it would from me.

    I think Teresa is “fake” not because she wants Jackie to have her back but because she acts like she leads this charmed life with the great husband and well behaved kids, while her husband treats her like crap and her kids are terrors in front of our faces on national television on a weekly basis. Yet somehow she still thinks she’s fooling everyone. Granted her below average intelligence is also a factor but if my friend put on the worst front ever to not only the world but to me, I’d start to think she is fake too…along with a lot of other adjectives.

  12. 12
    Adelefig
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    I think Melissa was Actually panicking when she tipped into the river. For around 5 seconds she didn’t seem to be preening and aware of the cameras!….lol….and I am sooooo tired of Jacquelines’ continual bleating of I’m soooooo Faaaaaaaaat!” It is so irritating when women who are normal sized continually go on and on about their weight.

    I loved saintly Caroline’s pontificating from the mount. Does she believe her own BS??
    What is with Lauren’s over preoccupation with her brothers??? it’s kinda skeevy….I have 2 brothers and I don’t think either one would be scared to tell me their girlfriend is moving in with them. There are many many issues with this Manzo Clan.

  13. 13
    labowner
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    “It’s natural to vent to your close friends about people you don’t get along with and if that friend then meets the person and they become besties, that wouldn’t bother you even a little bit? if not you’re a far better person than me lol”

    Unfortunately I have to deal with this on a daily basis. It is harder some days than others, but I have learned to bite my tongue and eventually the person does to others what they did to me. I do say my side and then I shut up. I gave this person three chances. Third time was a drunken charm and she is lucky I didn’t pull over and leave her in the middle lane of 101. Bitch

    I’m no better than anyone as I have zero problems getting down and dirty and ripping folks new ones when needed, using the “c” word on grey haired ladies.

  14. 14
    LaurenB52
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    @lab

    “I’m no better than anyone as I have zero problems getting down and dirty and ripping folks new ones when needed, using the “c” word on grey haired ladies.”

    And for this, you have my admiration and respect lol

    @wow

    I see what you mean. It is sort of a false/distorted reality world they’re living in.

    I still think they’re all guilty of something and it annoys me more when a bunch of assholes gang up to point the finger at another asshole. They should all agree to be assholes in harmony

  15. 15
    Dawn
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    OMG, I am CRYING!!! Funniest recap EVER!!!

  16. 16
    Wasabipeas wasabipeas
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 5:52 am

    These people need some boundaries. STAT.

  17. 17
    MrsMiaWallace MrsMiaWallace
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:34 am

    Awesome recap!

    I feel there has to be something really wrong with Vito that we haven’t seen yet to put up willingly with Caroline the Second Coming.

    Whoever said that the canoe ride showed a little crack in the scripted veneer of Mel+Joe was right on! I am no Ter apologist, but something is written with that one and her season of bad edit is coming, I just know it.

    Maybe I’m a big softie but I like these episodes where everyone is getting along and goofing off. It’s still slightly dysfunctional but it does show these people having real relationships and family friendships, and also being capable of working things out, albeit in a lumpy and lopsided way. (lumpy and lopsided being key descriptions of almost every cast member)

    Sadly we know that it all blows up sometime before or during Ter inviting Mel’s old boss from the strip joint to Posh. We have already seen the reunion to know where they were at that point – which is Caroline, Jackie and Mel all anti-Teresa. Kinda makes all this work on relationships pointless to care about.

  18. 18
    MrsMiaWallace MrsMiaWallace
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:35 am

    written = rotten, by the way.

    So let it be rotten, so let it be done.

  19. 19
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:58 am

    I get wanting your friends to side with you, but as an adult it’s not necessary that your friends side with you on EVERYTHING.

  20. 20
    Poopsicle
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Lauren needs to get the hell off of my TV and fall out of love with her below average looking brothers. I am so sick of that oafish bitch moping around in every episode looking like the Hunchback of Franklin Lakes and throwing temper tantrums worse than Teresa’s hellions. Isn’t she in her mid 20′s now? Grow fucking up and get some friends that aren’t your brother’s.
    These brother/sister relationships(between adults) are really disturbing especially the jealousy stuff. I’m an only girl, I have 2 brothers, both married, 1 to a passive aggressive asshole (like Melissa), and the other married a know it all(Caroline!), but you know what, I could give a fuck, that’s their wives/lives and seeing them all 4x a year is fine by me! Maybe that’s what the Guidice/Gorga/Manzholes need to do, stop trying to be so “close” like they were as kids and move on with their adult lives.

  21. 21
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 8:05 am

    Lauren’s mad because she’s not invited to play “the ham game” anymore.

    Melissa screaming because she fell into 3 feet of water tells me all I need to know about her.

  22. 22
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 8:51 am

    It just hit me. Chickbomb hit the nail on the head. EVERYTHING Carotude say is a speech from the pulpit. She doesnt converse. she talks at you or soapboxes everything.

    I cannot stand that woman and Melissa is gaining ground on my shit list. I think, although this is a very boring expedition, it’s pretty telling. Oh and Melissa, I don’t buy that you and Midge have sex every single day. Just SAYIN’!

  23. 23
    Mimo
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:04 am

    I don’t think Melissa was screaming because she thought she was going to drown, I thought she was screaming because she didn’t want all those “little bugs” the guide so menacingly told them about biting her.

  24. 24
    hot cawfee
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:51 am

    @22 Gypsy—-good point made —Tiny Caro loves her soundbites!!!!! My faves are the border-line malaprops===they are like a hug from Baby Jesus.

  25. 25
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

    PREACH Poopsicile!

    LOLz “Tiny” Caro. That kills me every time. I think Al is skinnier and in better shape than that self righteous ginger bitch is right now. Tiny, my big fat bewbs!

    But, I agree, it’s as if she’s on the 700 club or on Footloose or something. And, when she spreads her arms/angel wings to make a point in her talking head…Well, you just know she means god damn bidnazz!

    HATE!

  26. 26
    labowner
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 10:52 am

    I can say I don’t really care about any of these ladies and Caroline never bothered me as much as some of you, but when she and Al (who I thought was better than that – I guess not) said that to/about Lauren my mouth dropped. It also made me love and appreciate my parents that much more.

    How many dads would fill up a 96qt cooler with Old Style in between layers of ice so his daughter can take their new mini-van on a Dead tour? Love ya dad :)

    Is poop the new cock?

  27. 27
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 10:56 am

    @labowner, if I get back out to the bay area I am officially requesting a sit down.

    I die at your comments.

    If it is, it is.

    POOP

  28. 28
    trkaelin
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 11:12 am

    I’m sorry, I just can’t get past that camp spread they had. Good God, I don’t have that much food even on Thanksgiving. So this is what they were able to come up with using hot dog buns, pepper and a mood ring. QUITE impressive.

  29. 29
    labowner
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Trkaelin I was wondering where all that food came from myself. It did look tasty and I how we can see the cook off as an out take somewhere.

    Anyone know why they don’t release to dvd? I believe the first OC season is the only one available.

    Gypsy would love to hang. Maybe we can recreate the RV tour? :)

    Still waiting for Heather to deliver the OC from bad food.

  30. 30
    labowner
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Threadjack – By the way Gypsy, are you watching American Gypsies on NatGeo? Great show so far. Cried during the first episode.

  31. 31
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    @labowner…I’m watching American Gypsies. Nicky’s wife is beyond fugly.

  32. 32
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    I finally “bookmarked” it so I won’t space it again. I’ll catch up at least on the last one Tuesday. Are the girls allowed to be in theatre?????????????????????????

  33. 33
    labowner
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Snowshoe they have not been on except a brief appearance when Nicky insults them. Nicky is a jerk to the nth degree.

  34. 34
    hot cawfee
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 6:46 am

    Hey kids– watched the Manzo-thon this weekend– just noticed this. The campers they are interacting with are the crew. When the had the big cookout/dinner I saw a few blondes and some blurry faced people.
    Oh Bravo–fie!!!!!!!!!! You are no match for Cawfee’s gimlet eye!!!! (That of course can be construed as a vodka gimlet eye)

  35. 35
    NewYawka
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    I wholeheartedly agree with Poopsicle (#20)…and I’m still laughin my ass off after I read it. Why are the RHONJ people seem so hung up with their siblings?……it’s creepy!

  36. 36
    labowner
    Posted August 20, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    NewYawka my sister married into a family like the Manzos. All fully grown going on family vacations together. After three or four days and I am done with my family. Love them but get away from me.

    There were three brothers and a cousin all had houses right next to and across from each other. I relished the day one of the boys came out of the closet. Oh the horrors for that family. Nothing but tragedy befell the four families whilst they stared down their noses at the rest of us. Ha ha assholes.

  37. 37
    CELI CHAPMAN
    Posted August 22, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    I AND MY WHOLE FAMILY ARE SO ASHAMED OF ALL THE WOMEN ,CAROLINE MELISSA JACUE CATHY,YOU ONLY GOT ON THE SHOW TO HURT TRE ,WHY WOOD YOU DO THIS ?IS MONEY THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU .WHO DO YOU EVER THINK WILL WANT TO READ YOUR BOOK CAROLINE ?NOONE.GOD IS WATCHING YOU AND IF I SAY IF YOU ARE CHRISTIANS HE WILL REPREMAND YOU PRUNE YOU CHASTISE YOU FOR YOUR ACTIONS
    TRE IS NOT PERFECT SHE SAYS HERSELF BUT YOU 4 ARE EVIL ,NO WE WILL NOT WATCH ANYMORE.CATHY WE REALLY SEE YOU N YOUR FAMILY ARE JEALOUS VERY OF TRE N HER FAMILY,WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO TURN YOU ALL SO BITTER
    WE FEEL SORRY FOR YOU ALL
    CELI

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