First, it was a tough, heartbreaking decision, but the winner of our little Where Are They Now contest is Prodigal Cheez for this:
Ashley: After her stepdad paid her fine, she decided to turn things around and now makes her own money modeling for Big Buttz magazine. Berry-Face D-Man broke up with her and is now dating Gia Giudice because Ashley was getting “a little long in the tooth”.
Congratulations! It was just as tough for last week’s Reunion Part One to live up to the low-hairline fracturing that took place in the first 15 minutes, when Teresa lost her shit and was reduced to guttural inhuman roars after Danielle brought up a certain illegitimate nephew of hers. Let’s see if tonight’s funfest measures up…
“Welcome back to Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa in Atlantic City,” Miss Thing Andy Cohen carefully re-plugs, jumping right back to the infamous evening when Danielle attended a charity function at the Manzos’ Brownstone in order to present a large novelty check to the parents of a dying tot. As every good Gasmi doubtlessly recalls, tempers flared when Danielle’s posse, led by pocket-felon Danny, caused a ruckus by calling Chris Manzo hurtful, bigoted names. Miss Cohen says that Danielle showed up at the event with “a big chip on your shoulder, looking for a fight.” “Yeah, I did,” Dani quickly admits.
Caroline calls foul on Danielle’s changing stories about her Brownstone visit– “a few seconds ago she went in there, she didn’t do anything! Mistuh Toad’s Ride! It’s started– let’s go– we’re on full speed!” Caroline says, making loopy rollercoaster hand gestures around her own head. Danielle says “there was a person” whispering poisonous things in her ear that night: elderly aspiring 5th Housewife Kim G. Egged on by Miss Coco, Caroline & Danielle bicker about Kim’s culpability and participation in the night’s malfeasance. Caroline dismisses Danielle as “completely delusional”, “out of your mind” and “insane”– Caroline reminds Dani that the rest of the cast HAVE watched the show, so they know what D’s up to. Miss Colette tells us things took an ugly turn when Danny “began dropping the f-word” and we get a clip of the mini-marauder waxing poetic: “A punk is a punk is a punk and it looks like the Manzos are punks.” Music fans may be interested to know the term “punk” originally meant someone who took it up the ass in prison, and if anyone should know about that, it’s tiny parolee Danny, who proceeds to refer to Chris as a “f*cking f*ggot!”
The sharply edited montage succeeds in making Dani look like a total hypocrite for busting Juicy Joe‘s shaved balls last season for calling their fruity dance instructor a “gaylord“. “I’m a gay advocate,” Danielle hilariously insists in a clip. The fact that dozens of gays will be dressing up as you for Halloween this year doesn’t make you an “advocate”, dear. The word you’re looking for is icon-slash-trainwreck.
Miss Connie tells Danielle she “lost her [gay advocate] title”. Danielle defends said title, saying we didn’t get to see “what I did to [Danny]” after the li’l thug’s naughty outburst. The other women snipe and roll their eyes, Teresa trying to be glib and sassy by asking for “a towel” so she can t’row it in. Someone please explain to her what that expression means. Miss Coraline points out Dani’s refusal to take responsibility for the incident when she told Caroline at their yawny finale dinner that Danny said it, not her. Caroline quotes Danielle minimizing things by saying it didn’t matter since Danny “didn’t call a gay man a faggot”. Danielle blames editing, irking Caroline– and faggots everywhere– even more.
Miss Cleo doesn’t understand Dani’s defense here and wants her to clarify. Simple– Danielle didn’t say it, “I needed to get outta there–” Caroline stops her. Why’d she need to bolt from The Brownstone? Danielle ignores this and goes on to say she “very strongly” scolded Danny for it and “I’m not takin responsibility…” Miss Carrie is visibly miffed and says it makes Danielle look like a hypocrite. Human Rights Ambassador Teresa jumps in, asking Miss Cynthia if “you take offense ta dat?” “I do,” Miss Cathleen says, he took offense at this AND Joe’s gaylord crack last season. Danielle apologizes but, still, “can’t take responsibility for it.” However, she no longer speaks to Danny “as a result of that.” “I’m sure he dumped your ass,” Teresa scoffs.
Miss Cookie says it “seemed like you were defending Danny to everyone after that.” Danielle: No. Caroline suggests they move on, since Danielle won’t take responsibility for anything in her own life. Is this true, Miss Caren asks. Dani: No. She’s definitely not taking responsibility for not taking responsibility. Besides, these other broads don’t know her… “at all.” Teresa pipes up that “Jacqueline knows you the most.” This is what we in the Recap Artistry business refer to as foreshadowing (if the previews are to be believed). Danielle says she traveled with bodyguards because she didn’t feel safe around the other women– look what happened in Reunion Part One when Teresa became “unchained”.
This sparks excited disagreement from everyone, talking over each other as they insist on their own innocence compared to Danielle’s alleged crimes: stalking them, “stalking” Kim D‘s ludicrously named nouveau-trasche strip-mall boutique Posche, and driving by Dina‘s house. “Do we evuh stalk you, bitch? Nev-uh!” Teresa squeals. “Bitch, I’m gonna pin you down! Keep goin!” In that same annoying sweetie-pie voice she’s been rocking the entire Reunion, Jacqueline adds fuel by asking Caroline to tell them all what “your neighbor told you” yesterday. It seems that this gentleman was startled to hear from Caroline that she’s not “acting” on the show and indeed hates Danielle’s guts, since on several occasions this neighbor thought he was waving to Caroline in her white Range Rover on their street, only to discover, upon closer inspection, that it was Danielle in HER white Range Rover. On their street. That’s a lie, Dani snaps. She’s never even in Franklin Lakes.
“Ev’rybuddy lies– except Danielle!” Teresa screams. “Yah duh-spick-uh-bull!” Danielle expresses displeasure at being ganged-up on: “One atta time!” “One atta time!” Teresa fires back, mocking her. “Shut the f*ck up, whore!” adds Mother of the Year Jacqueline. “You’re still a call girl and you’re still getting with married men.” Uh-oh, Gasmii….
You know the Reunion’s heating up when the editors decide to use split-screen, like in a Brian DePalma film. “EXCUSE ME?! What the f*ck are you on?!” Danielle retorts, aghast. “Nothing– I never did drugs, unlike you,” Jacqui snips back. And yes, married men, lots of men and definitely some married ones. Danielle sighs disgustedly, flipping her hair, which Teresa then amusingly imitates. This is apparently the last straw: “I’m done, I’m on a break,” Danielle says, getting up and teetering offstage on her six-inch dominatrix spikes. “No, you’re not,” Miss Calista tells her with all the authority of a day-care center intern. Danielle refuses “to be attacked by all of them”. “You’re not being attacked… you coward, you pig,” Teresa hilariously yells after her.
Danielle heads over to a nearby sitting area, raving how “tough” the others are when they’re all together, but not one on one. Jacqueline, realizing she’s coming off (correctly) as a passive-aggressive supporting player in this Reunion, seizes the challenge and starts lumbering toward Danielle. Miss Cornelia leaps up to restrain her: “Thtop thtop thtop thtop thtop!”
“I never back down to anyone!” Jacqui cheerfully proclaims. “Bring it, you f*cking Vegas whore,” Danielle mutters (LOL), then not-so-provocatively adds that lesbo-songbird gal-pal “Lori can tell you, I definitely don’t sleep with men.” Yeah, neither does Anne Heche. Danielle commiserates with her Gay Hair Bear Eric and suggests that Caroline is “so pissed off all the time” because she’s the same age as Danielle but “HELLO!” check out Danielle’s MILF-porn bod.
The boredom continues as Jacqueline bitches to Caroline that it’s impossible to have a conversation with Danielle because D does nothing but lie and deny. Caroline zen-ly points out that everyone on the stage and out in TV Land already knows this. Danielle asks Lori, identified as “Danielle’s Music Partner”, if “we’re” EVER in Franklin Lakes. “Now we gotta wait for the c*nt,” Teresa complains from the couch. “That’s not a nice word,” Caroline says in the same tone of voice she used babysitting the Jew-Dice Goils on the Deranged Not-A-Nice-Word.
Back from commercial, the a-hole’s still AWOL. “Here’s the thing,” Miss Carla begins. “F*ck huh,” Teresa snaps, then insists that she’s “not gonna hit” Danielle. Just stay on the couch, Miss Christabel warns, and that goes double for the fucking Vegas whore. Offstage, Dani adjusts the corrective undergarments beneath her sequined miniskirt…
then walks back to her seat. Miss Condoleezza tells us that after the dire events at The Brownstone, Caroline’s lynx-eyed ex-manicurist sister Dina quit the show. (And boy do we miss her!) Cue a clip package highlighting Dina’s “enough is enough” decision. It makes Danielle look like a narcissistic nutcase.
Miss Cuchi-Cuchi asks Dani why Dina owes her an apology. “All the things that were going on that aren’t on-camera,” comes the annoyingly vague reply. Danielle thinks they all owe each other apologies “for certain things” but doesn’t expect to get any. She is “owning up” to her “part in things”, whatever that means. No one’s innocent, according to Danielle, including Dina. Miss Camellia asks if Danielle feels responsible for Dina’s exit from the show. “Nuh, not in any way, shape or form,” Dani says. Miss Charmaine quotes Dina’s blog describing Danielle as a “truly dangerous” “pathological liar” whose every move is “calculated– Rest in peace, you’re dead to me!” Nice closer, Deens. Danielle calls this “harsh, for someone so ‘enlightened’ and ‘zen’. We’ll leave it at that.” Sure you will.
Then Miss Consuelo aks Caroline, whose lips are so pursed they might as well have a Kate Spade label on them, how she feels about Dina not being on the show anymore. Um, I’m getting a serious deja vu right now and have not had one milligram of marijuana. That’s because Miss Celine already went over this exact same shit in Part One. Surely he could be hammering Teresa about her financial misconduct instead of this lameness. Caroline laments the “wonderful” “fun” “adventure” that RHONJ was SUPPOSED to be before it went all “dark” and “ugly”. Like Miss Callie’s eyebrows a week after a salon visit. But Dina just couldn’t stick it out since she’s such a delicate, fragile flower. Teresa, is your left breast lactating? Oh, wait– she can’t hear me over that dress.
Miss Candy turns the spotlight on Jacqueline, who’s been “taking some heat” over how she “disciplines” wayward daughter Ashley. “Felicity From Clearwater”says that Jacqui should take responsibility for Ashley’s actions, “since you raised her.” Jacqueline shrugs it off, saying Ashley’s “a very strong-willed child”, then hedges her bets by saying Ashley’s 19 and what can Jacqui really do anyway? Cue a stomach-churning “Ashley Out of Control” montage which doesn’t even include the Danielle hair-extension-ripping moment and ends on Ash’s forced apology during the finale dinner. Miss Charlotte mentions that it looked like Ashley’s berry-faced boyfriend Derek “fed her her lines” during the unconvincing mea culpa. Jacqueline snickers, then says this is how her relationship with Ashley has been “since she was two years old.” Telling, no, Gasmii?
Jacqueline insists that she and hubby Chris have tried every “parenting technique” known to man in an effort to wrangle the giant-faced delinquent: rewards, door-removal, room-stripping, you name it, they’ve done it. They even gave Ashley’s new SUV to “a family member’s wife” to punish the mouthy little strumpet. All to no avail. Of course, she’s still living under your roof and texting up a storm on the phone that Chris is doubtlessly paying for. “Kristin From Whippany” wants Danielle to know that Ashley’s texting the term “bye” to Dani doesn’t qualify as a “death threat”. Danielle says “goodbye” CAN mean “a very permanent end” then, as usual, denies blame by explaining that Dani was merely “asking Kim G” what SHE thought about the disturbing syllable. “Oh, my gawd,” Teresa chokes.
“Sylvia From Chicago”nails Danielle on the appropriateness of a grown woman getting in “a text war” with a teen. Danielle–surprise– says she didn’t reply to Ashley’s texts. Jacqueline says she saw the replies. Caroline backs her up. Danielle insists she “did not reply to her on Facebook“. What about off Facebook?! Miss Cyrinda pumps Jacqui for details. Jacqueline cites Danielle’s mention of Ashley’s “fat upper arms” and calling her “stupid”. Danielle denies this. Caroline then brings up a Tweet Danielle received from a fan saying it was their birthday and their wish was for Ashley to “commit suicide”, to which Dani allegedly Tweeted back “I hope your wish comes true.” Caroline tells Danielle that obviously someone’s “hackin into all your accounts, yah betta do somethin about it.” LOL.
Jacqueline has a phone handy and reads the incriminating message AND Danielle’s reply that the fan’s every b-day wish “come true”. “That’s wishing her dead,” Caroline says. “It’s a little worse than ‘bye’.” They pass the phone to Danielle, who confirms that this is a Tweet-follower of hers and that she personally responds to all “positive” Tweets, and that this is “disturbing”. Miss Cameltoe tells Danielle that this is “pretty negative”. Caroline is stunned that Danielle’s “tryin to tap-dance around this”, and does this so we know she’s serious:
Danielle suggests that maybe her reply was to a DIFFERENT Tweet, “because he Tweets me several times a day.” I want to meet the guy who spends his time Tweet-fucking La Staub. Danielle admits “that’s not nice” and promises to “block him”. “Fuhgeddabout blockin him, let’s talk about whatchoo Tweeted back!” Caroline squawks. Danielle keeps yammering on about how there’s “no proof” she responded directly to the Ashley suicide Tweet, but if she did “then I’m saw-ree!” I don’t know about you, Gasmii, but I’m way over catching Danielle in lies and bashing her. We know, she’s insane scum. But Teresa is so totally getting a pass for everything from her shady finances to her rotten little trolls to her pathetic marriage that this Reunion is coming across as ridiculously biased. Plus it’s three women against one. Four if you count Miss Cacilda.
Miss Conchita Maria moves on to “the night of Kim D’s fashion-show fiasco”, where Danielle had her fateful run-in with Ashley’s extension-excising fist. Cue the clip package. Did Teresa start the fight, wonders Miss Cissy, because many viewers thought so. “Not at all,” Jew-Dice replies. She was “genuinely tryin to say hi to” Danielle, Teresa fibs, then Dani told Teresa not to call her “honey”, and “that’s what ticked me awff, and then the whole foreclosia thing”. But Teresa was never planning on “attacking” Danielle. “It didn’t seem that way,” Danielle says. In fact, Teresa was “knockin people down to get at me.” No, Teresa corrects, people were holding her back, and Teresa doesn’t like it when “people put their hands on me. Don’t putcha hands on me, and nuthin’ll happen.” Miss Cruella, who’s still recovering from Teresa shoving him out of her way tonight, makes this face…
…then reads a question from “Colin From Boston”, who doesn’t believe that Ashley ripped as much hair out of Danielle’s withered skull as Dani claims. D: She did. Next Miss Cupcake hands Dani a bag and invites her to show-and-tell everyone what she brought with her tonight. The previews tried to get us to think that it’s an AK 47 or a dead pet or one of Joe Jew-Dice’s butt-stained dildos, but it’s… a mannequin head. Seriously. As amused Caroline tries to avoid wetting her Spanx, Danielle launches into a beauty school lecture: Hair extensions are put on “with beads, and these beads have teeth in them. And the teeth adhere themselves to your hair. And in order to pull them out, you have to pull your own hair out with it.” So, Miss Clytemnestra says helpfully, this mannequin head is to help illustrate how difficult it is to tear out one’s extensions? Yes.
Danielle parts her flowing tresses so Miss Celie can lean over and take a gander at the “80 beads” inside Danielle’s head. Now it’s time for Miss Careena to try to yank the hair out of the dummy’s head. The mannequin’s, not Danielle’s. He grabs a lock and pulls with all his might. It doesn’t come out. “This is making me think it’s not humanly possible to do,” he says, but to be fair, Ashley is WAY butcher and stronger than Miss Clairol. Finally, he yanks the mannequin’s hair out. Jacqueline says it looked so much easier on TV, then reaches over and gives Teresa’s blown-out mass a hard tug. Teresa threatens to knock Jacqui out and Jacqui giggles. Danielle says it hurts to have your hair pulled and “it shouldn’t have been taken lightly or laughed at.” Y’hear that, Vegas Whore? I love that new name and am almost sorry the season’s over because I’d definitely be adopting it.
Danielle feels Caroline dismissed the incident by calling it hair-pulling, when in fact Ashley “pulled the hair from my head. It was vicious…” And Ashley definitely trivialized it, “laughing” through “the four-and-a-half hours we were in court.” Jacqueline says that according to Kim G, when the lawyers tried to get Danielle to drop the charges, Danielle refused, saying she wouldn’t let “Jacqueline and Teresa” win. Danielle denies this. Did she say “Ashley threatened to kill you in court?” Prosecutor Manzo demands. Yes. Did you HEAR Ashley threaten to kill you, yes or no? Yes, Danielle says, and with this line of interrogation, Caroline is “deflecting from what really happened.” Caroline accuses Danielle of perjury.
Miss Chantal says that Danielle’s “histrionics” post-incident have received much play “in the blogosphere”, and asks if Danielle was “acting”. Danielle says that “I was abused a very, very, very, VERY big part of my life, and when you come from such abuse like that, you have a tendency to hide and go into a fetal position, and that’s exactly what I did, outside of the building. It won’t happen again. I won’t run again.” Teresa gleefully points out that Danielle ran away from her earlier tonight. No, I walked, Danielle ridiculously responds, inciting Teresa to squeal that Danielle was taking “boxin lessons”, repeating “Teresa, Jacqueline” as she punched the bag. Teresa offers to “get in da ring” with Danielle for $100K.
We get it, you’re violent.
“Keisha From Washington, DC”asks Danielle if she “thought it was OK to call Ashley a coke whore”. LOL. “Absolutely not,” Danielle penitently agrees, then throws “Kim G and her daughter” under the bus, blaming them for getting “caught up” in the gossip, causing Dani to lash out at the mega-faced teen twat. Caroline asks if she can pull an I Dream of “Jeannie” and make Kim G appear to answer some tough questions. Back from commercial, Miss Constance cues a clip package about the lady “who stirred things up” this season, desperate elderly bottle-blonde Kim G. Then Kim G enters.
Caroline says Miss Chatelaine is “like The Wizard of Oz– we ask and you produce.” Actually, he’s like a grown man who collects Wizard of Oz memorabilia, but close enough. Kim bids the gals a cheery hiya, to which Danielle coolly responds, “Hello, Kim.” Miss Cinderella confronts Kim with her best soundbite directed at Dani: “‘Your fake and square tits’?!?” Kim giggles and Danielle remarks that “it’s hilarious to make fun of another woman’s breasts, hilarious”. Um, you just called a teenager a coke whore, so pipe down, Miss Manners. Kim says that Danielle’s “four” boob-jobs resulted in “square tits”. Teresa, who should be eating this shit up, is oddly quiet and tense-looking, making me wonder what Tree’s afraid of Kim bringing up about HER.
Miss Corazon asks if Danielle feels “used by Kim G”. Oh, yeah, completely. “I was used, too!” Kim squeaks. “I was your bitch, basically. You used Harry,” Kim’s driver. Danielle snaps that Harry picked her up so Kim could get herself on-camera. “Next?” “Next, you, Danielle! Ya betta shut yah f*ckin mouth!” Kim warns. Harry was at Danielle’s “disposal” and even drove Christine to her Sweet 16 party. Danielle says “that is a lie”, then reminds Kim that Danielle “gave” Kim’s daughter a full day of partying, including “massages”. Kim congratulates Danielle for giving something back in their relationship. Danielle says all Kim ever gave her was “agita”.
Caroline dismisses all this as “nonsense”. Persecution complex popping through like her mess of a stomach in that tragic tank-top, Danielle turns on her and accuses everyone but Dani of knowing Kim was the surprise guest. “WHAT?!!” Caroline squawks. Miss Celeste quickly clarifies that none of the Wives knew Kim was waiting backstage, and they all concur. Now Caroline has “some very serious questions” for Granny. Did Kim tell Danielle that “Ashley was involved in coke?” “Absolutely NOT!” Kim replies, offended, like a proper suburban matron who didn’t just use the term “square tits” on national TV. She swears on her kids. And did Kim give Danielle “any information” that “Christopher and/or The Brownstone was at fault for the events of that night?” Except for the grammar issues, she almost sounds like a real lawyer!
Kim says Christopher did nothing wrong that night and apologizes if she offended him, since she loves him, and Caroline, too. Caroline says she didn’t like seeing Kim “laughing with” Danielle at The Brownstone as Danielle put on her Lady Boss act. Kim says that was the first time she’d ever gone anyplace with Dani, and was mortified when their escort to the event showed up and he was a teeny thug “dressed like a gardener or a pizza delivery guy”. Danielle accuses Kim of “stirring things up” by telling her that Christopher said he “had a big surprise in store” for Danielle. Kim wanted her to believe that The Brownstone was out to get her! Sounds like the rantings of a paranoid, Gasmii…
Kim smartly points out that none of this would have happened if Danielle had dispensed with the goombah “entourage”. Danielle won’t even take responsibility for that– she insists that she only brought Kim and Danny, and had NO IDEA the rest of the prison posse was going to show up… that was all Danny’s doing. So if Danielle wasn’t expecting all the goons, why did she make such a fuss about there not being table-space for them, Miss Chiclet cleverly asks. Danielle says she just wanted seats for herself, Pocket-Felon and Kim. Caroline can’t take it and demands that Danielle own just this one bit of bad behavior.
Kim stops her and says that, to be fair, the table did suck. It was off in a corner and since Danielle was a presenter, it should have been better. Caroline says that the location of the table was the benefit-throwers’ issue and had nothing to do with the banquet facility. Kim quickly acknowledges this. “Jodi From Lodi” (that has to be made up) asks if Caroline will have lunch with Kim now that Kim’s dumped Danielle. Caroline crabbily replies “If ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Kim looks a little hurt. Miss Concetta quotes Jacqueline on her blog calling Kim “a two-faced sh*t-stirrer”, but that Jacqui isn’t bothered by that. Jax can’t explain why she still sorta likes Kim, and Kim says it’s “because I’m a good person.” Danielle reacts, repulsed.
“Aaron From Lexington” wants to know how Kim G knows scary, face-lift casualty/boutiquiere Kim D. They’re sisters-in-law: Kim D’s stepbrother was Kim G’s ex-husband. Kim D’s mom was married to Kim G’s father-in-law. OMG, they sound Puerto Rican. We finally get some Teresa action when Miss Calliope quotes Teresa’s blog entry about how “disturbing” it was watching Danielle and Kim’s “old lady buttcracks” on the stripper pole. “I’m sawry,” Teresa sniggers, embarrassed, if that’s possible. Then rudely asks “How old ah you?” Kim G tells Teresa “yah gonna go down if yah start sh*t with me”, “so let’s not even go there.” Teresa raises a finger and tells Kim G to never speak to her that way again. Well, quit tawkin about me, Kim G says. She’s done nothing but go to Teresa’s party (and send her a “nice gift”) and book signing. “What?!” Teresa squeals. She only invited Kim “to be nice” and then Kim came and “started trouble”. “You look pathetic on da pole!” Teresa declares, just like she told Joe the first time she caught him going down on a locker room attendant.
Kim G recently Tweeted that she was going to Rome for “an out-of-control shopping spree” and “too bad Teresa can’t come” because she has “no money, sad but true!” LOL. Kim says this was in response to “terrible things” on Teresa’s blog. What terrible things? Teresa asks, confused. How ’bout the old lady buttcrack crack, moron?! Caroline tells them to “both admit that was a hurtful thing” and Kim does. Teresa continues with the indignant routine and says “I gotta laugh at you.” G’head, Kim’s laughin at you, too. Whateva, yah hairy sleazebag. Miss Caitlyn asks Danielle for any final words for Kim. Of course she does, telling Kim that it was “despicable” to run back and forth bashing people to each other and that Kim better be careful what she wishes for, meaning that starring on a reality show can ruin a perfectly sane, well-adjusted life!
After Kim exits, Miss Chastity begs Jacqui, Tree & Caroline to assure Danielle that Kim’s appearance was a surprise to them. They swear up and down they had no idea. Miss Charlize says that all four can agree on one thing– they don’t like Kim G. Nope, sorry, Jacqueline says she does like her.
Miss Carmelita tells us that the season came down to a fabulous face-off “between two matriarchs”. Lady, we’ve seen that wet noodle of a finale, and no matter how much dramatic music you slap on it, it still blew. Cue the clips. Then Miss Calpurnia asks Caroline what she thought when Danielle came into the restaurant “and she had protection.” “Asinine,” Mommy Salami spits, “I’m 5’1″ and I’ve never threatened this woman in my life. No one in my family has threatened her.” Despite “repeated threats” and “insinuations of harm” from Danielle to the Manzos, “I have never, ever threatened her.” Now Caroline wants an answer from Danielle: Why did Dani feel she had to bring “armed guards” to meet Caroline?
Danielle clumsily points out that Caroline has claimed to be at one with her family, but what has Danielle ever done to Caroline directly? Caroline claims that Danielle sees her as “the puppeteer”, complete with awkward marionette-manipulation hand gestures– “I’m not buyin it then, I’m not buyin it now!” Caroline barks. Miss Crystal flits in to clarify Caroline’s position that night– that Danielle was given breaks for her reckless young hellcat behavior yet refuses to extend the same courtesies to Ashley and drop the assault charges. Why not? Danielle claims “it was in the state’s hands” by then, but back-pedals and admits the charges could have been reduced or dropped if Ashley apologized, which the enormous-faced tramp refused to do.
Jacqueline makes excuses for Ashley’s rotten attitude, blaming Danielle for accusing Ashley of making death threats. “I get that, it was not a win-win situation,” Danielle says, still not explaining why she, as the 45-70-year-old adult in the proceedings, didn’t just end it. Teresa says Jacqueline “woulda nevuh” pressed charges on Danielle’s daughter. (Only because Danielle’s mom-scarred but well-behaved aspiring teen model would have never abused Jacqui or her extensions that way.) Jacqueline says she doesn’t like the vindictive person Danielle has turned her into, and doesn’t want to live in such a negative space. Danielle says she sincerely appreciates that.
Split-screen time as Jacqui and Dani agree that they don’t like things this way. “I’m done, I’m nailed to the cross,” Danielle declares like the typical paranoid histrionic narcissist we know and love to hate. Dani doesn’t expect Jacqui to forgive her or believe her, but Dan-Dan will always be sorry for her part in this, and the things she said about Jacqueline that were undeserved and untrue. Caroline reacts with disgusted disbelief. But Jacqueline is sorry, too. She just wants the madness to end and after this night, Danielle will never hear from her again. “Thank you,” Dani says, tearing up.
Miss Crystal turns to Caroline, who “has a look” on her face. Any thoughts about Jacqueline burying the hatchet, and not in Danielle’s scrawny neck? Caroline says she’s happy about this and has only wanted the best and the most peace for everyone, despite being accused of being a puppeteer. Any final thoughts from Danielle? She wants to address Jacqueline: “You and I know what we were to each other. I got so mad at you because I loved you,” the newly bisexual dingbat confesses. “A lot. And I want you and your family to have everything that’s beautiful.” That’s it?! I can’t believe we fell for the promised titillating lesbo antics in the previews, Gasmii. Shame on us. And will Danielle drop the charges? “I will contact my attorneys and make sure there is peace for everybody,” she vaguely promises.
Teresa wants a piece of saccharin pie and assures Danielle that she never bad-mouths Danielle in Tweets, blogs, newspapers, magazines, book jackets, or Chanel fitting rooms. She’s much two busy raising her “four beautiful daughters”…and Milania aka Feral Lemur and Gia Zadora. That leaves two attractive girls we’ve never seen before. Oh, well. Next season.
Danielle gets off the couch and gives Teresa & Jacqueline hugs straight from the place of love and light. Jax’s is extra-long and super-special and includes whisperings that Danielle “loves” the fucking Vegas whore and she’ll always be a big piece of Dani’s heart.
After a long, lingering shared glance with her ex-girlfriend, Danielle then offers her hand to Caroline with an apology. Caroline reluctantly shakes it, adding that the two of them will never be friends.
Miss Candelabra notices Caroline’s picklepuss and asks what she’s thinking. “This is the biggest crocka sh*t I evuh seen in my life,” La Manzo effervesces. “I hafta be honest. If I’m a bitch, I will own it. I am not a coward, I am not a phony. THIS was phony.” Doesn’t Caroline want there to be an end to all the fussin’-and-a-feudin’ Jacqueline asks in the sweetie baby voice I want to claw out of her body through her larynx. I hope youse stick to it, Oscaretta the Grouch huffs. Sensing her final seconds on the show are ticking away and nobody remembers mature, well-behaved women, Danielle explodes with “The SECOND Jacqueline showed emotion about wanting to move on and be sorry, you’re like ‘don’t do that, Jacqueline, stay there, Jacqueline, don’t be weak, Jacqueline’! Let Jacqueline be Jacqueline!” Danielle excoriates Caroline for being a puppeteer who’s angry that her puppet isn’t doing what Caroline wants.
“Cuz I’m no dummy,” Caroline gravely snaps back. “Let’s respect each other enough to have the integrity to say ‘I doan like you ya stupid skanky cunt.” Danielle immediately tells Caroline “I doan like you.” Caroline smugly claps her hands, pleased. “Excellent, awesome!” Caroline congratulates Danielle for having “a growing experience” and that saying she doesn’t like Caroline is the first true thing Danielle has said in the last 8 hours. Miss Colleen says this is “a very positive place to end it”. The most positive development? Lauren Manzo is credited as one of the episode’s make-up artists. Mazel, doll!
I hate goodbyes, and so does Bravo, so we’ll both be back to try to turn shit into chocolate with the inevitable Lost Footage special next week. In the meantime, please check out my new Horrorgasm blog right here, as my love for trashy fright flicks runs rampant with a recap of the 1980 Italian schlock shocker City of the Living Dead:
Hasta la vista, cholas!
P.S. I just discovered that the iTunes version of this episode omits the entire Kim G segment. WTF?! So if you missed it on Bravo, I recommend using Vuze to find a free torrent to download.