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First, thank you for all the incisive Comments and wacked-out entries for our Where Are They Now contest. Because they’re still coming in as I type this (wearing only a cashmere Snuggie and a pair of ex-BF Martin‘s left-behind boxer shorts), I have extended the competition until next week. And the winner will receive a lovely prize after submitting their address to my private e-mail. Don’t open it in front of your children. Or anyone else’s. Next, as much as I would love to publish further photos of my ex-beloved underpants model, after receiving a strongly worded text (in Spanish, so I know he was really pissed) from the Uruguayan-Australian in question, I cannot.
You know a season finale sucks when the most exciting thing in it is the previews for RHODC. (I am personally riveted by Concentration Camp Barbie Michaele.) After watching Milania and Gabriella Jew-Dice, aka Feral Lemur and The Pretty One snot their way across Italy, we were just marking time until this Reunion show. So let’s jump right in and watch Miss Thing Andy Cohen give Barbara Walters a run for her money with his own personal The Shrew.
“We’re here at the fabulous Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa in Atlantic City,” Miss Thing carefully plugs. Bravo has definitely snazzed things up since the days when he used to corral the Orange County harpies into a public-access TV studio to try to make them cry. Teresa is introduced first, in a garish Look At My Tits dress that I might wear in Puerto Rico if I wanted to get raped. Teresa has a New York Times bestseller. It’s only a cookbook, but it still heralds an upcoming Apocalypse.
Next is red-sequined Jacqueline. Miss Andy asks if she’s “ready for tonight”, as if she’s still pregnant like last time and in danger of miscarrying all over the couch.
Andrea then turns to his right, asking Caroline what’s “different” about her. She says she lost 25 pounds through “portion-control”, which has succeeded in making her look tired and haggard, I’m super-sorry to report.
Perhaps every time someone mentioned Danielle, she skipped a meal. Speaking of La Staub, she’s been positioned next to Caroline, who’s keeping so much couch-distance between them, she’s almost in the Nickel Slots room. Danielle’s in a boob-compressing cream top (you hush now) and showing a lot of forehead.
She calmly accepts Annette’s compliments– she has a new single to go with her new sex tape. You can already tell she’s just itching (Gasmii, please) for a fight.
And she gets her chance when Anna starts things off by asking what the women think of Jersey Shore and Teresa says she’s “not too fond of it”, citing a “girl” on the show who slept with a guy she just met. Teresa’s “old school” and believes in “getting to know someone” before hopping into bed with them, “unlike certain people in this room”. What an oddly random way to set up calling Danielle a hooah! And Teresa’s not done. She says Danielle “can relate” to Snookie and her easy pals, since Dani slept with loser Jew-Dice friend Steve a week after meeting him in Teresa’s long-foreclosed upon shore house “in fronta yah kids”. And here I was thinking we were here to discuss THIS season’s shenanigans. Obviously, and delightfully, apparently anything is fair game tonight…
Danielle, whose meds have clearly been expertly adjusted, sedately dismisses Teresa as “insane”. “You’re a pig. Lookit yahself,” Teresa retorts. “Yah disgusting and yah desprit.” Antoinette reminds them that they used to be friends “at the beginning of Season One“. Danielle isn’t sure about that but then says she THOUGHT Teresa “was a great girl”… however Danielle doesn’t “appreciate anyone talking about MY private life in public.” There’s a great way to prevent that, sweetie. DON’T BE ON A FUCKING REALITY SHOW. Jacqueline pipes up, saying that Danielle was “straddling” Steve in full view of Teresa’s and Danielle’s own kids. Big deal– when I was 6 I walked in on my grandmother’s maid blowing two of my cousins. And I turned out fine.
Amber gets the conversation back on track by introducing a Jerseyisms/malaprops/illiterate-twats montage: “cleavelage” (Teresa); “ethninticity” (Danielle); “therapeutical” (Danielle); plural of woman: “woman” (Dan-Dan); “stanky” (Teresa); “revonavated” (Jew-Dice). Anita nails Danielle for the “woman” thing, which she shrugs off after unsuccessfully trying to repeat “women” after Anthea. In a touching gesture of dumb-cunt kinship,Teresa volunteers that she uses the term “sangwich”. Teresa and Danielle agree that they like having their own language(s), and Teresa proudly proclaims that she’s “not going to change for anyone”. All I can say is: your poor fucking book editor.
What about the Housewives’ children, Alberta wants to know. How has “their notoriety” affected them? Danielle says that both her daughters are regularly recognized, especially “active” teen model Christine, who must get daily offers to spirit her out of Danielle’s clutches into a healthy foster family (come on Chemgal, step up!). Agnes then brings up Jacqueline’s & Teresa’s new babies, Nicholas and Tawdriana (hey, that sounds like a really classy Russian porn novel), cuing a yawny pregnancy/infant montage, the highlight of which is Teresa’s obsessive need to cover Tawdri’s newborn head with miniature Norma Desmond-wear.
Time for audience questions, Alice’s favorite way to get in passive-aggressive digs at the divas. “Barbara From Syracuse” wants to know why Danielle didn’t call Jacqueline after Nicholas was born. Danielle says that Jacqueline made it clear “in a publication” that Danielle was to stay far away from her kids. Jacqui quickly interrupts to say that they “made peace” after that, but still no love. “Congratulations, Jacqueline,” Danielle wearily deadpans, “he’s very beautiful and I wish you all the best.” Caroline shakes her head darkly and fantasizes about the buffets downstairs. Angela asks Teresa why she chose Dina as Tawdriana’s godmother. Apart from the pricey gift-giving factor, of course. Teresa just loves Dina so much and “now this makes us family”. And what better spiritual role model for a young girl than a gold-digging lynx-eyed ex-manicurist who flounces around town in designer nighties.
Apple says Dina isn’t here tonight– how does that feel, ladies? Caroline says that even though “a piece of the puzzle is missing”, “WE” get to go home and see her, because she’s a big part of OUR life. Abigail asks Teresa why Dina left the show, “is it because of Danielle?” Bingo. Now Astrid must bring up “an accusation” from the end of the Season One reunion. In case we forgot, we get a handy flashback: On the ridiculous sky-blue and heaven-white set that looks like it was borrowed from Praise The Lord, a sobbing Caroline tells Danielle “what you did is so disgraceful, you are garbage and you will nevuh be a frienda mine!” The prevailing Gasmii theory is that Dani had an affair with Dina’s husband (and Caroline’s brother-in-law) Tommy Manzo, which, if true, makes all of Danielle’s attempts to friendly up to the Manzo-Lauritae extra-creepy.
“What happened?” Adeline demands tonight, on this episode. Danielle says that it was about Dani supposedly trying to “have [Dina's] daughter taken away from her”, which Daffi vehemently denies as Caroline shakes her head in mildly disgusted disbelief. “I don’t think she’s an unfit mother,” Danielle insists, bewildered. “Let’s not talk about unfit mothers,” Teresa snips. Jacqueline accuses Danielle of “putting a silencer” on Dina “so she couldn’t talk, legally, or something?” Editors, make sure to save that for next year’s shitty-English montage. Come on, Jacqui! You married a guy whose sister’s father-in-law got whacked by the mob. I think you should know the difference between a silencer and a gag order.
Danielle slyly admits that her “attorneys” might have silenced Dina, after Blondie “lied in a 4-page interview”. Where? Hairless Cat Fancy magazine?! “We can’t talk about it! End! Done! Next!” Caroline barks. Danielle ignores this, gleefully telling Jacqueline “it was very wise of you to point that out, cuz I’m gonna hafta clarify.” Danielle repeats that she never tried to have Dina’s daughter taken away from her. “Do. Not. Speak. Of my sister!” Caroline yells. This commences a fierce spat of bickering with everyone cackling at the same time and Caroline restraining herself from choking the life out of her sofa-mate.
Amy stirs the pot, asking about this alleged gag order. Danielle says her lawyers did it to stop Dina “from talking about things that were not the truth.” Jacqueline suddenly becomes very animated, insisting that “we know more than that” and “we have much more proof on what you did… you don’t know what we know and you’re sticking your foot in your mouth and one day it’s gonna come out”– the foot or the truth?!– “and you’re gonna regret it!” Danielle says that’s “ridiculous” and she has nothing to regret “because I didn’t do anything”. Jacqueline orders Danielle to shut up about Dina. Danielle gets louder and tells Jacqui not to tell her to shut up “when I’m defending myself!” “You’re a piece of garbage!” Jacqueline squeals, going for the tried and true.
This might be a good time to refresh your cocktail or pop a few painkillers (what? it’s a special occasion) because it’s about to get good. Really, really good. Virally good. Aisha innocently suggests they get back to discussing babies. Teresa immediately calls Danielle “disgusting” for not acknowledging Nicholas. Danielle: Did you acknowledge YOUR nephew? There seems to be some weird audio-editing going on in order to bring us to what happens next. First, Teresa snaps “Of course I did.”
Then Jacqueline, twisting her rings, says “Yes! Yes!” Then something snaps in Teresa’s testicle-size brain and suddenly she’s on her feet and past Altovise and up in Danielle’s face shrieking “DO NOT bring up my family!” Caroline actually grins as Teresa goes bat-shit loca: “You f*cking c*nt! Do not bring up my family! You f*cking bitch!”
Aileen stands up and tries to pull Teresa away but she keeps screaming at Danielle: “You piece of sh*t! You f*cking bitch! You motherf*cker! [unintelligible roar as she shoves Annabelle down into his chair]“.
At this point, Danielle gets up and starts walking offstage. T: “You are a piece of GARBAGE!” Apollonia tries to wrangle Teresa by telling her to “come here” like she’s his cockapoo rescue. He grabs Teresa’s arm as she calls Danielle a fucking bitch twice more, screams “I hate her!” and hurls a throw pillow at her! Danielle is long gone but Teresa can’t stop screeching epithets: “She’s a pig! She’s a f*cking c*nt!” and the ever-popular “She’s a f*cking piece of garbage!” Antonia, who has never come this close to being inside a woman before, holds Teresa back as Jacqueline is caught smirking on the couch. Caroline decides to step in and, hilariously, puts Teresa’s mouth between her fingers in a vain effort to shut her vituperative trap. Teresa’s response to this? “BWAAAAAARRHHHH!”
And we’ll be right back!
Just, wow. Whatever this nephew business is, it would have made a great season finale. The soap opera writer in me would love to think it’s tangled up in the Dina-Danielle secret, creating an incestuous glob of hot throbbing trash any reality show would kill to exploit. The good news is that this shocking display of Teresanation means, as certain wise Gasmii have Commented, that if they haven’t already, Feral Lemur, The Pretty One and possibly Gia Zadora if she doesn’t watch her ass, will be receiving the terrible beatings they so richly deserve. And is it any wonder Juicy Joe turns to hung young twinks for a little relief? It’s only been 13 minutes, and already this has surpassed every other hag party Augusta Cohen has ever thrown. Remember the late 80′s, when Bravo was an art-film channel? SIGH…
The break’s over and Teresa has barely simmered down enough to grunt full English words. We get a glimpse of Angelyne’s TelePrompTer with some tripe about a bravotv.com poll, momentarily abandoned as the producers try to regain control of the show. Teresa is still spluttering “piece of garbage” over and over as her hairstylist, the non-Danielle Wives, Aurora and a couple of pixillated security guards try to calm her. “She’s crazy,” the beautician helpfully tells Teresa RE: Danielle, who’s smugly pacing nearby, bust bulging proudly, looking like a 1-900 commercial. “I’m waiting… for YOU. For face lifts, press 2! For square tits, press 3!”
“I can’t bring up something that’s the truth, but they can sit collectively and lie about me?” Dani rhetorically asks the cameraman. “It’s true,” she shrugs. “She didn’t acknowledge her nephew.” Teresa hears this and says “I wanna know who da f*ck she’s talkin to!” The hairdresser says something strange about Teresa “being at the hospital with your kids”. ???? Caroline warns Teresa that T just gave Danielle “what she wanted”. Jacqueline, who apparently hasn’t budged from the couch, maybe because her dress has been safety-pinned over her big caboose, says that Danielle’s “gonna keep whinin tonight– let her do it. Who cares?” Not you, honey, that’s for sure.
Athena speaks to Danielle, asking if she’s “okay”. Danielle refuses to go back on-camera with Teresa after Mrs Jew-Dice “was allowed to get in my face like that?” Annifrid says he “pulled [Teresa] away”, but Danielle thinks she “could have quite possibly been hit”. Yeah, by the ugly stick and no possibly about it. “Someone needs to be on her. If she moves her ass off that couch, again, I’m leaving.” Ashlynn promises “not to let her get up”. Right on cue, Teresa yells “You better get her back here, Alexa! The chickensh*t that she is, she runs away! Get her ass back here!” Alanna calls for order: “Listen to me! You can’t get off the couch.” Teresa tells him she won’t hit Danielle, “believe me”. Why the hell not? It’s not like you have any assets she can sue you for. Ainsley ain’t kidding: he tells Teresa she cannot leave that couch! She promises.
Backstage, Eric, Danielle’s Gay Hair Bear, straightens Madame’s extensions and clucks over Teresa’s behavior. Danielle wants Lori, her “music partner”, within “ear and eyeshot”. Who is this Lori, you might be asking. Apparently quite one bad-ass songbird, since Caroline, back on the couch, is telling Aaliyah that when the ruckus broke out, “they hadda hold her back” from coming “after” Teresa. Danielle’s make-up artist begs her not to cry as Dani bravely holds back the tears. “She’s such an animal,” La Staub saubs. Hair Bear reminds Dani of her affirmation “Amazing things new beginnings”, which she hilariously repeats, desperately reaching deep inside, way past the boob-damage, for the love and the light.
Caroline, going for a bit of comedy herself, advises Teresa to “be smart”. But “she’s goin afta my familee,” Teresa says. “You’re not this person. I’ve never seen this person except when she’s around,” Caroline tells her. “I know!” Teresa says, shrugging in amazement. “Cuz if you were this person, I wouldn’t be your friend,” Caroline assures her table-flipping pal. Alejandra nauseatingly tries to make lemonade out of Teresa’s nasty lemons by telling her how “strong” she is.
You really threw me off you good, he says, then, like a typical gay, asks her if she works out. He reminds Teresa “just don’t cross me”, referring to both his position on the set and his immense power at the network.
Danielle shares hugs and love you’s with her glam squad and then makes her re-entrance onto the set. Caroline refuses to look at her. “We’re back,” Alison tells us, eager to return to the deadly-dull non-nephew baby chat. “Kathy From Livingston” asks Jacqueline if she ever “thanked” Danielle for introducing Jacqui to her “fertility doctor”. So Danielle’s womb is barren and inhospitable– que sorpresa! A simple question for which a yes or no would suffice, but Jacqui, eager to get the bashing re-lit, declares that Dani did introduce her, but only went to one appointment with her and then claimed she went to every one. “So what, Rumpelstilskin, do I owe you my child now?” Jacqueline bitches. “Do you think you got me pregnant?!” Danielle’s pretty narcissistic, so that might be a yes.
Alma gets back to the electronic cue cards and the stupid online poll, which was about which NJ Housewife you’d want as your mother. “A whopping 70% said Caroline!” And a full 100% said they’d prefer the deranged cooze who drowned 5 kids in the bathtub over Teresa. Caroline modestly claims to be surprised by this, she’s not Super-Mom. Teresa yanks down Caroline’s Spanx and inserts her tongue a full rectal inch: “Her kids are in their 20′s and she did an amazing job.” It’s true, it’s been a whole two decades and they’re still alive. Mazel! Danielle received 3% of the vote. LOL. She says she’ll let her kids speak for me. “Or their father,” Jacqueline interjects, trying to start shit. Sadly, it’s time for another commercial.
And another plug for Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa of Atlantic City. Arielle’s next scintillating topic, the “not-so-sanitary” Ham Game, which, in case you went online to look for a Vicodin connection, involves Caroline’s grown children pelting slices of proshoot at each other. I don’t know about you, Gasmii, but the only ham I want to see sex-bomb Albie Manzo slamming is my own. For the record, Danielle doesn’t appear to find this game funny, either. This segues into a schmaltzy B.S. clip package about Caroline’s empty nest syndrome (except her kids all STILL LIVE AT HOME) and her desire to be closer to newly slim husband Albert. And Albie getting thrown out of law school due to “learning disabilities”. Come to Hollywood, carino… I bet I can teach you LOTS.
“Still gets ya, huh?” Alondra has the nerve to ask weeping Caroline after that shamelessly manipulative montage. OMFG, Teresa please start screaming again. Danielle proves she’s not a soulless she-husk by calling for “some tissues”, a request she probably makes a lot. Caroline says Albie “could become the President of the United States and that’d still get me, cuz he doesn’t deserve dat. He’s a good boy.” I’d like to elect him President of My Vagina. As you know, that office is wide open. Shut up, Gasmii.
“Linda From Pinehurst” asks if Caroline & Albert “have ever had a rocky time in your marriage”. Of course, every marriage has rocky times. Teresa, you’re married to a closeted moron … you’re missing a golden opportunity to lose your shit! Alyssa mentions that we learned that Caroline has a beauty secret– she shaves her face, neck and decolletage with “soap or lotion” in order to exfoliate. She clarifies that she does NOT have facial hair: “I’m not a monkey.” Teresa? I’m sure Danielle must have told some local magazine that you and half your offspring are apes– c’mon, let her have it! And… nada. I’m not sure this reunion needed to be 3 hours long.
“Marie From Kentucky” tries to liven things up by calling Caroline a hypocrite “to insult” Danielle for being “a stripper”, yet supporting less-hot-bit-still-fuckable Christopher’s dream of opening a strip-club/carwash. Caroline smilingly denies making that insult– she doesn’t have a problem with strippers. Or even prostitution, she adds, getting in a nice 7-point passive-aggressive dig at Danielle. “Tracy From Seattle” has a question for Danielle: is she living her modeling and/or singing dreams through her kids? No. Ada asks if she’s a stage mother? No. Cue “Jersey Kids” clip package. Plenty of talent-free Gia Zadora here, plus Danielle being a whorendous stage mother, but no Feral Lemur or The Pretty One! Bastards. I’m referring to those kids.
“Chelsea From Livingston” (where the fuck is Livingston? is that what they call the intern cubicle at Bravo??) wants to know how Danielle could dismiss Gia as a potential super-model when she’s only 8? Um, just a guess…
OK, maybe it’s about to get interesting. Danielle sticks by her “only 4-foot tall” reasoning, then smarmily adds that “I hope she becomes everything she wants to be.” Especially an orphan, right, Dani? Oh, BTW, that’s feet, not foot. Are we sensing a pattern here? And Teresa… I think Danielle just brought up your family! Clock Assumpta unconscious and rip that Chinese child-slave hair OUT OF DANI’S HEAD!
Finally, some action: An unidentified viewer or non-union reality show writer asks Teresa to comment on Danielle’s snarky comment about dressing her children in lace and crinoline and her dogs in leopard. Teresa, seeing bright bordello red, demands to know what Danielle meant by that. Since Teresa’s IQ is as low as her hairline. “I have leopard clothing for my dogs,” Danielle replies with infuriating casual grace. LMAO. “So whaddya tryin to say, dat you dress yah kids betterin my kids?!” Caroline cleverly deduces that Danielle was “comparing [the Goils] to animals”. Danielle, loving this, calmly denies. “You’re being phony!” Jacqueline snaps. Teresa looks angry and confused.
Moving on. Anais calls Caroline out for saying “Danielle’s girls had no light in their eyes. Do you regret saying that?” No. Instead of child-like innocence and happiness and light, Caroline sees ” a blank stare” when she looks at the Staubettes. And she’s not gonna take it back or “blame it on editing”. Wow, listen to Cecil B DeManzo over there. Danielle remains sociopathically sedate but gives us a giggle by using the words “happinesses” and “sadnesses” to describe her close emotional bond with those poor, poor girls. Hateful Ho-Bag Jacqueline chimes in, asking Danielle “Do you know they cry at school every day?” Jacqui explains that the teasing and filthy rumors drive Christine and Jillian to tears “in the nurse’s office”. Well, that I believe. Danielle dismisses it by saying “they’re growing… they’re teenager and tweenager.” I just an icy chill down my spine. She is SUCH a sociopath she can’t even admit that her hideous onscreen behavior MIGHT have some effect on her daughters.
Oh, wait. When asked about the unsettlingly frank conversations she often has with her kids, Danielle admits to “sometimes” regretting “what I discuss with them”, but tosses in a barb at Jacqui about HER conversations with Ashley, which actually suck for completely different reasons. Anoushka now turns the spotlight on Teresa and I’m hopeful but, since that dog-clothing gambit went nowhere, a little skeptical. First, a softball question from “Pam From Maine“: Do Italians really believe women on the rag need to stay away from the spaghetti sauce vats? Don’t be so smug, “Pam”. I dated a guy from Maine back in the day and up until the mid-70′s people in his hometown (Fort Kent) believed that if a pregnant white woman got scared by a black man, that’s what color the baby would come out. I love that long ago some chocoholic slut went down to Connecticut, cheated on her husband, came home, gave birth to a bouncing biracial bambino, improvised this theory and had everyone in Aroostook County buying it. Teresa nods very sincerely, “that’s what they say in Italy… and also, Joe makes wine, same thing.” Mmmm-hmmm. That’s what he tells you so evry 28 days he can take a few cocks in the privacy of his “winery”. Idiot.
Do you care what Teresa’s favorite recipe is? Didn’t think so. “Josh From Houston” asks if due to their “financial trouble” she “felt guilty” for accepting the “bad-ass diamond ring” Joe thoughtfully plopped into her dessert on her birthday. Let’s it get it right, Texas Gays, it was her anniversary. And it wasn’t no dyemun, it was a “yellow sapphire cocktail ring”. As opposed to Asian male escort Yellow Sapphire’s cock-ring, which he often loans Juicy so fleeting thoughts of Teresa don’t soften up their good time. Caroline, who needs to go volunteer someplace if she’s memorizing Teresa’s gaudy gifts, points out that the big rock was indeed a sapphire and not a diamond. “Hello, dat’d be like half a million dolluhs!” Teresa scoffs, as if she’s not currently in debt for 22 times that amount.
But it creates an easy segue into the major Jew-Dice brokeness discussion. Which is preceded by a DELICIOUS clip package of Teresa’s out-of-control spending, starting with the Goils running rampant through some overpriced tot boutique and going on to include such sickening faves as Gia Zadora’s pink-limo Ecchy 8 birthday party, the obscene “housewarming” and christening bashes (BTW, is it me or does Villa Foreclosa look like a tackied-up double-wide??) and Joe’s DWI, clearly linking the vagina-hating vintner’s alcoholism to his wife’s shopping addiction. Nice nice work, editors.
“Kathy From Chicago” wants to know once and for all if Villa Foreclosa is really in foreclosure. “No, it’s not,” T insists. “Are you fearful that will happen?” asks Agnetha. Teresa says she has her husband and her “four beautiful daughters” and that’s all she needs. Wait, so you have two kids we’ve never seen tucked away in that cavernous joke of a house? April cites The New York Post, rattling off fun facts and figures: The Jew-Dices filed an $11 million bankruptcy last year, including $100,000 in credit card debt (which seems low), $20K to “Bloomingdale’s, Neiman-Marcus and Nordstrom“, $2.6 million in mortgages, $5.8 million for Joe’s all-male porn bills failed businesses, $12K in “fertility treatments” (eeeuw)… Teresa half-heartedly interrupts, denying that she owes department stores $100K. Well, that’s not what Alphina just said– clean the Aqua Net out of your ears.
Ashanti tries to sort fact from fiction: the Jew-Dices DID file for bankruptcy, but Teresa says “a lotta whatchoo jus’ said is inkarect.” Anjanette asks if Joe “clued you in” to how broke they were getting. No. Jacqueline tries to help, indicating that all husbands tell their wives to spend less money. Yes, in 1950′s stand-up routines. Teresa hilariously claims that she DID try to economize, and that she was making her own money. HOW?! Do you have your parents chained in the basement doing telemarketing? (“Dissa Giacinto, how you like-a to save-a big big money on you longa diztanza?”) Annabeth tries to get Teresa to admit she has “regrets” about Joe stressing out over all this. “No! I commend him fuh dat,” she says. He was trying to “protect his family”, you see. And she certainly isn’t “mad at him”.
Teresa says she’s “adjusted my lifestyle” and stopped “buying Gia everything she wants” (Ava’s words). Luckily, the Goils don’t “get their love from materialistic things”, they get it from “me’n Joe”. She’s constantly telling the little trolls how much she loves them (cut to Caroline beaming like a klieg light). Of course, Feral and TPO are probably whining too loud to hear any of it. And BTW, talk is cheap– whichever sage Gasmi Commented that we’ve never seen Teresa in an emotional, caring moment with ANY of these kids in 2 years was so right-on. Even little Tawdriana is nothing but a tiny dress dummy for her monstrous mama. More support from Jacqueline– “the second” Teresa found out the Jew-Dices were ruined, “she’s been workin her butt off” with “appearances every night”. So selfless. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE’S CHILDREN GOING TO THINK WHEN THEY GROW UP AND WATCH THESE FUCKING EPISODES?!?!
Ardena brings up the fact that everything in Teresa’s home was recently photographed and put online in preparation for The Big Liquidation Auction. What was that like? “I haven’t seen it,” Teresa quickly replies, obviously still in Shopaholic Denial. “I don’t read the negative things that people put out there regarding us.” Huh? Who– those negative, libelous auctioneers? Danielle gloats a little as Teresa denies being in denial. You might lose your dream house, Anissa baits. Teresa sets him straight (so to speak): she and Joe didn’t grow up wit no silver salami in their mouths, they’re self-made ex-millionaires and they will be again. I hate to think that she’s just enough of a horrorshow to remain constantly and lucratively employed in the cesspits of reality TV. But she is. Por Dios.
“Joe From Annapolis” asks if Joe’s accident was a result of “stress over money troubles”. Teresa makes a face– utter pish-posh! And how ’bout that whole accident dealie? What’s the scoop? She and Juicy were out to dinner and “he was NOT drunk”. Jacqueline fervently backs this up, making me wonder exactly what she has to lose in all this. In case you missed the ultra-wacky, uber-suspicious official explanation, Joe became sleepy while driving home alone from a restaurant, plowed into several trees, emerged unscathed from the wreckage, found himself across the street from a family friend’s house, went in, started slamming back whiskey (Teresa: “He was all shooken up!”), got drunk, met the cops and got busted. Right. Marc Cherry could come up with a better scenario.
Teresa seems to attach some significance to the fact that they “got the ticket in the mail [accompanying RuPaul hand gesture] a week later.” Um, that’s what happens when you get a ticket. They send you a copy in the mail. I think Joe got a ticket on the spot , then panicked and hid it from her. But, Arletty clarifies, the incident WAS definitely labeled a DUI. Go figya! Adia turns to Danielle, who’s been making “bitch please” faces throughout, and asks about her “skepticism” regarding the matter. Danielle coolly expresses her gratitude “that no one was hurt”, but finds it very hard to believe “you go get wasted after you have a car accident.” Teresa reacts as follows:
Caroline says it’s not hard to believe. Teresa amusingly repeats the phrase “shooken up”.
Alisha asks Danielle if she considers herself “a troublemaker”. She very reasonably agrees that yeah, she has her moments. Cue a “Victim VS Villain” Dani clip package replete with campy highlights suitable for playback in any of Joe’s favorite bars. Blessing from old black priest , “devout Catholic“, sex tape, masturbation tape, stripper-pole lessons, “not a whore”, “not garbage”, pocket-felon, Kim G, love and light. Adella asks Danielle to explain her “friendship” with tiny parolee Danny. “Weren’t you friends with his wife first?” Jacqueline rudely interjects. “During the first 2 weeks of taping, he filed for divorce,” Danielle says. Teresa: I wunda why! Was there anything sexual between Dani and Danny? “Never has, never will,” Daffi scoffs. “There was,” Jacqueline corrects, in the passive-aggro sweet voice she’s been using all night.
Jacqueline & Teresa “heard” Danielle and Danny fucked and that’s why his marriage ended. “I don’t care what you heard… that’s disgusting!” Danielle snips back. That’s a little harsh. I mean I wouldn’t fuck him, but come on. How many friends do you have left, Staub? “Juanita From Florida” (who might be my cousin) asks how Danielle can afford to hire bodyguards and throw a Sweet 16 party but can’t do any home repairs? “Pay attention,” Danielle groans. She did NOT pay for the Sweet 16. Everything was donated because it was a charity event. Danielle only paid for security and “busing” to eliminate DUI’s. Take that, Jew-Dices. Anitra asks what Dani meant when she described herself as “a born-again virgin”. That she was “refraining from sex… past tense.” So Cafe PW is open for business. Cue repulsed reactions from the other three.
Danielle says she was abstinent “so I could work on myself.” Which brings us to her new single with “lesbian superstar Lori Michaels“. Excuse me, WHO?! The Ellens (DeGeneres & Page) are lesbian superstars. (Neither of which I can stand.) Lori What’s-her-muff? Not so much. But I guess it’s supposed to be a big bombshell that Danielle’s dyking it up with Ms Michaels. She’s irritatingly coy about it, especially as far as Caroline seems to be concerned, but basically admits it to Adria, who accuses non-confirming Dani of “flaunting your sexuality in the media”. More coyness: Danielle claims to have become “a character. We’ve all been edited into these characters,” she muses as Caroline looks like she just ate a bad clam. (No pun intended. Really.)
Caroline gladdens Arabella’s heart by declaring that editing can only be blamed “for 1% of what goes on”. What ya see is what ya get wit Caroline, capeesh? Almanta (it’s a real name– the actress who sublet our teen model pad in Rome was named Almanta Keller, I swear) weakly tries to start some Carmelo-Daffi fireworks by referencing Danielle’s blog criticizing Caroline for criticizing strippers. This is extra-lame since we already heard Caroline say she’s got nothing against the Nomi Malones of this world. But Annamaria quotes Dani calling Caroline a “jealous” “bully” in need of a “make-over”. Nobody would have “looked at” Caroline “on a stage or off”. Caroline responds with a rousing speech about “a man that loves me 26 years” (God Bless, Danielle hollas). Caroline says she has been rock-steady throughout the show, but Danielle is “Mr Toad’s Wild Ride“. Caroline is a good and strong person with a happy house and plenty of integrity. And Danielle’s opinion of her “means less than nothing”. Danielle has no response to this and haughtily turns back to Altoona…
Who then mentions the “two sex tapes”. One features Jew-Dice pal Steve and according to Danielle, was lensed without her permission. “Not true,” Teresa protests. Aretha notes that Steve is now suing Danielle for defamation of character. I’m not making this shit up. Artemis correctly guesses that Dani’s legal bills must be huge, then mentions the OTHER sex tape which is currently available for purchase (from Hustler, god help those Staubettes) and which Danielle says she did not release and is not getting paid for, despite her starring role. Jacqueline & Teresa salivate over her shame as we learn that Danielle “knew of its existence” but couldn’t afford the extortion fee to prevent it from being released.
Acencion gossips that this was a semi-professional amateur porn and was shot by “a third party”. Danielle denies it, but Jacqueline, who will only admit to seeing “a preview” of the smutty sensation, says that it seems to have been strategically shot by someone else who was careful to avoid showing faces or mentioning names. But this could of course just be Jacqueline being a mega-cunt. A minor skirmish breaks out about exactly when this scandalous sin-fest was shot: Danielle says “years ago”, Caroline says “in August”, which Dani allegedly admitted in “an interview”. Teresa, always last to comprehend anything, tries her hand at detective work by attempting to establish the length of Danielle’s extensions in the XXX-rated epic in question. You go, Columb-ho. Maybe Bravo can get a court order for the clip-in hairpieces and carbon-date the DNA deposits.
For the record, Agrippina also heard Dani was taped sexing last fall, and so did Teresa. What kind of example is Dani setting for her kids? Teresa spits. “Are you kidding me?” Danielle yells. “No, I’m not kidding you!” Teresa screams back. Why does Teresa think she knows anything about Danielle’s private life, Dani dubiously demands. “You tawk about me constantly– it’s all you tawk about!” Danielle squawks. “BITCH, I don’t tawk about you!” Teresa ridiculously shrieks. D: Ya doin it right now! T: Yeah, cuz we’re awna friggin TV show, skanky whore! I neva tawk about you… unless it’s awn CAM-ra!
How DID Dani tell her daughters she was the new MILF in town? Asia asks. I was expecting a better line of bullshit than this: Um, I try just to not let them hear anything that’s going on. They don’t even watch the show. Audrina thinks they must have heard about it at school– it’s all over the internet! Not really, Danielle says. She did explain to them that “Mommy should have been more careful and more private and less horny and less sleazy.” Danielle has shielded them from her notoriety to the best of her ability and still thinks “I’m a really good mom cuz my kids are amazing.” I love that she thinks that’s how it works. They’re as undamaged as they are (and the jury’s still way, way out on that) IN SPITE of you, sweets. Christ Almighty, is this woman cracked.
Danielle then gets tripped up in her own horseshit when she says that Jillian and Christine “were very offended” by Caroline’s “no light in their eyes” comment. A-hah! Caroline snaps. How would they know about it if they don’t watch the show? “You just said they were in a bubble and they don’t know what’s goin on around them!” Avril agrees! Danielle says “what’s really ironic is that their friends love me, and so do their friends’ parents.” Sometimes literally, if those tapes are any indication. Caroline sarcastically applauds along with all of us. Danielle is EXACTLY as diagnosed by you, Gasmii– a paranoid narcissistic sociopath! Happy Mother’s Day. Danielle backpedals, admitting that the girls ARE exposed to the filth (and I use the term with love and light) generated by her and her participation in this vile, wonderful show.
“Jeff From Maine“, (you know, the one whose wife “Pam” got scared by the black man and had a cafe au lait baby) asks why Danielle accuses Caroline of being mobbed up when Dani’s the one who “hangs out with gangsters on the show and has a clothing line called Danielle’s Mafia.” Danielle explains that in this case, “Mafia” means “team”. Like Tony Soprano was a “sanitation consultant”. Caroline has had it and asks for Danielle’s “friggin autograph” because Dani’s the perfect friend, mother and woman and “you’re my idol”. Even Teresa gets the joke this time and grins like Wendy the Retard with a new karaoke machine.
Our last clip package of the evening illustrates the “dramatic turn” taken by the show when Danielle attended a charity event for a gravely ill tot at the Manzo-owned Brownstone. We all know what happened so let’s skip ahead to Anarosa telling Dani that the tot’s father was very upset with Danielle’s behavior that night, especially because Dani still hasn’t donated any money. Danielle immediately snaps that she collected thousands of dollars “door-to-door” “in commitments”. If commitments were cash, honey, I’d be the richest bitch in East Hollywood. Caroline says Danielle’s lying and that she came to Caroline’s place of business to cause trouble. “You wanna go, we’re gonna go!” Caroline barks, finally gaining the upper hand for the first time this season. “Anything else, Aviva?” Danielle asks snottily, tossing her extensions toward Caroline.
Caroline says Danielle has repeatedly threatened her and “brought danger to my son” Christopher, who was called a fag by “that Sweathog reject” Danny. LOL. Caroline demands an answer for Danielle’s comment at The Brownstone about pleasantly shaking Chris’s hand then calling it “my fuck you” gesture to the cuddly carwash enthusiast. “It was sykalogical,” Dani replies. “Do NOT sit here and tryta make a fool outta me!” Caroline roars. “I am looking at the fool!” D: That’s enough, Caroline.
But of course it isnt…
There’s still next week’s Reunion Part 2 in which, if the preview is to be believed, Danielle insinuates that she and Jacqueline bumped fuzzies. To quote George Takei on The Howard Stern Show: “Oh, myyyyyyyy!”