RHONJ: Save the Wench!

We open this extremely not special episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey with Midget Joe laying around with his kids talking about how hard he worked. What is it that he does again? Let’s let his kid explain it to us:

Wait! What’s that sound? Who’s stabbing a cat? Mommy’s singing! If that’s what you call it. She’s warbling out Amazing Grace, and she can’t even sing the word “amazing” without a breath in the middle. PRO! “How sweet the sound, that saved a wench like me!” HAHAHAH! Fucking moron. Not saying that she’s not a wench, but you can’t just go changing the words to Amazing Grace. Besides, “wretch” is way more fitting.

Midge is amazed by her voice. Amazed, I tell you! Well he should be amazed, cuz Melissa’s been singing since she was four years old. Back then, she did this mentally handicapped (I stopped saying retarded. Are you proud?) child being attacked by a swarm of bees dance. I hope she brings that back, cuz it’s hilarious.

Mariah Scarey

Her dad always encouraged her, so she’s crying again. Look, I feel terrible for her loss. I really do. But she’s not making me like her dad right now. I’m not into parents who encourage their kids to hurt other people’s ears. It’s rude. Two words every parent needs to learn to say to their talentless children to save them, and us, severe pain:

YOU SUCK!

Her dad loved when she did anything, and he was always there to capture her adorableness on video. When she started preschool at Third Reich Montessori and learned to heil Hitler, there he was with that camera.

Little did she know that Jews own the music industry. Sorry, sucka!

Midge has a great idea! Mel should be a professional singer! She’s got perky boobs and she’s rich! But how is she gonna be a mom, a reality star, and a singer? Just do them all mediocrely. This scene is full of crap, because Melissa gave an interview to TV Guide, saying that she did the show in the first place to promote her shitty music. But let’s just play along. Midge tells us that the first time he went out with Melissa, she was singing in the car. If that’s not a Behind the Music waiting to happen, I don’t know what is. I do know that Midge does lots of pushups before he goes into interview sessions. Which I appreciate.

Every time this guy shows off his arms, I start craving frog legs.

He tells us that Mel’s dad was always supportive, but now he’s dead so “I wanna be her fadder.” Um, that’s creepy.

Caroline is watching Albert play golf because she’s so bored without the kids at home. Damn, Caroline. Fuck a pool boy. Golf? YUCK. She doesn’t know what to do now that she’s only got that ape of a penis-less loser at home. “There’s no food. No laughter. No laundry.” That should be the title of her book. Albert suggest she do a radio show giving parenting advice since she already has a blog. She tells us that she’s had three kids and three miscarriages, so she’s qualified. I don’t know what three miscarriages qualifies you for, but I don’t think “I coulda been a mother of six!” is very helpful advice. I could have been in Pretty Woman. I’m opening an acting school.

Assley and Chris come home to tell Jacqueline that they just went to look at a car. Jacqui doesn’t look too happy, but it could be the cheap ass restylane she got with a Groupon. That shit all sunk down to way below her frown lines. Thousands of dollars to look like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.

 

Assley has a real dad, but Chris wants to compete with him so he buys Assley stuff she doesn’t deserve. Man, I wish my parents were divorced. Someone. ANYONE. Buy my love. The only way to ever really know the worth of something is to look at the price tag. Jacqui stays calm, but she reminds Chris that they bought Ass a car already and she fucked up. Chris says that this is all about Ass learning responsibility, so Jacqui has to sign the lease. Wait. What’s the logic there? Can’t Jacqui just say no? And how the hell is Ass gonna make car payments without a paying job? Well, she’ll get one, ok? Now that she has a car, she’ll find a paying job and work her non paying job. HAHAHAH! Yeah right. The little bitch did the dishes once and she gets a car? I’m hating the world right now. How bout you do your daughter some real good and spend twenty dollars on an eyebrow wax that’s not lopsided? Or better yet, beat her. And why is Jacqui so damn calm? Her husband just went behind her back. Hit him! I find that the more I watch this show, the more I crave destructive, nonsensical, emotionally abusive violence.

Ass tells us that she deserves a car cuz she hasn’t been arrested for assault lately and she’s not a heroin addict or a serial murderer. I just registered a google alert for Ashley Laurita DUI, so I’ll keep you posted. Over at Teresa’s, Gia is practicing getting arrested for the first time.

Midget Joe has left Teresa a voicemail. He got the letter, and once he decoded it and pieced together what it said, he decided that he should come to Gia’s gym meet. “I’ve nevah seen her puhfohm yet.” Gia hears the message and starts crying. Aw. Ew. And that’s Gia.

Teresa doesn’t know what she should do! Should she call him back? Should she call the police? She needs advice! Thankfully, Juicy is there to share his ever so sage wisdom.

(Long, slow fart under the sheets.)

 

Don’t let the sweet kid tears fool you. These people are oafs. The baby’s already pulling a Naomi Campbell and beating someone with a phone. A really dangerous, hideous, sharp, phone.

Commercial time. This happened:

Time for a family meeting over at Rich and Kathy’s place! Their kids have to write and sign contracts vowing chastity, sobriety, and chore responsibility. When you write things down, it makes you not wanna do drugs or get knocked up by a teacher, apparently. So go up to your rooms, think real hard, and write down some meaningful promises ya little rugrats!

I think that Baby Joey proves he’s a strong, moral young man when he passes this picture and doesn’t punch a hole through it every time he passes it.

Kathy and Rich are all cutesy and coupley and stuff. Ick. I need someone to hit someone soon. The kids go upstairs and change the font on last year’s pages of bs and print them out.

Totally different. The last was done in Helvetica.

 

Victoria promises never to succumb to peer pressure and never experiment with drugs and alcohol. “This contract proves the respect I have for myself, my parents, and my family.” No it doesn’t. But it does prove you can bullshit pretty well in any font. Well done. Kathy and Rich are easily pleased. I wouldn’t sign off on that thing until “won’t get pregnant before I’m 35 and even then, I won’t expect my parents to pay for my brat or babysit” was added in bold.

Baby Joey’s contract is way more general. He vows to breathe every day, play video games, and perfect the art of masturbation. Ah, teenage boys.

I vow to find a way out of these meetings.

He makes huge run on sentences no one can quite understand. He’s gonna be a senator one day. He’s very careful to say that he promises to do what he believes in without really spelling it out, cuz he’s gonna have a drink once in awhile. That’s ok, right? Um….no not really. This is no place for honesty. Write down a bunch of bs and make your mother happy so we can move on to some violence, ok? Thanks.

Because it can’t be said enough.

Melissa and the Wicked Step Sisters go to Erez, which is probably a sad rip of of Hermes run by a bunch of idiots that created the sign phoenetically. A lot of stuffed animals have been hunted to make ugly coats for these bitches.

The very sound of Witch Sisters cackling makes me sick, and I wonder if there’s anything as gross as them. Oh wait, here’s something:

The girls talk about how much they’re gonna spend, and it’s intercut with Teresa saying Mel was gonna be a teacher until she married the rich brother and decided not to work. She gets whatever she wants no matter what. “It’s true. I don’t know how else ta fuckin spell it out!” Or spell in general. Back at the store, Mel tells the clerks that she loves her witch sisters and never wanted any other friends. That’s the delusional way of saying “women hate me and I just don’t know why. Teehee could you shorten this skirt and push my boobs up?”

Mel tells everyone that her husband has vowed to finance her singing career and they all ooh and ahh like she just announced another pregnancy. She’s so gonna make it! She’s hot! Poor thing. She’s Jersey hot. That’s very different from pop star hot. But if she actually was hot and talented, this would all be way less fun to watch. In other words, go for it, sister! Can’t wait til ya tour! xoxo

Melissa claims to not like Teresa, but she’s dressed just like Tre’s cell phone.

Midge bought her a piano. LOL. You don’t need a piano for the type of music she’s gonna make. You need a computer, a robot to sing the lyrics, and a shit load of money. Kathy has introduced Mel to a songwriter from church. His name is Antony and he’s 22. I smell trouble! Midge is gonna jealously beat the shit out of that kid at some point. Fingers crossed! Mel’s been texting the kid “da words” for her songs, and he’s figuring out how to make songs out of them. Thankfully, she only knows one syllable words, so rhyming shouldn’t be too hard.

Over at Teresa’s, Gia is beaming cuz she is on the phone with everyone’s favorite roid addicted midget, who’s promising to come to her gym meet. She’s so good at gymnastics cuz she got the competitive gene from him! I don’t know about that, but she probably got the height gene from you. Teresa is jovial with him at first, but then starts arguing with him about whether or not he’s known about the meets in the past. They tell him the meet is at one, and Tre says it might not be the place to tawk. Agreed. A gym meet might not be the place to throw punches and bang your head against the wall. But this is the perfect place:

EW! That bathroom looks like Trump Tower took a shit all over it. Tre calls Jacqui and tells her about Midge making an effort. Jacqui starts lecturing Teresa on being calm and congratulates her for taking the first step. “Afta what he did ta me!” HAHAH. Jacqu takes a different path, and finally just agrees that Midge hurt Tre and she hopes her friend gets an apology. Teresa squeals “finally you said somethin’ right!” HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Love it. She has to browbeat her own friends into being on her side.

Jacqui goes with Assley and Chris to pick up the new car, and she’s not too happy about it. It’s fitting that the Jeep is black. They’re already mourning the first person her daughter runs over. What happened to getting your kids shitty cars? Jeeze! I need to stop watching this shit because it just makes me resent my parents more and more with each episode.

Sorry to whoever gets killed by this thing first.

Chris wants a copy of the keys in case he wants to repo the car or drive it for fun. Assley says no cuz he already has four cars. “The Bentley, the Range Rover and the Mercedes.” I’ve got an idea. Keep the keys until she can learn to count. Then you’ll never have to worry about her driving. Ass says if he’s gonna be this controlling then she doesn’t even wanna sign the lease. Everyone knows that threat’s as empty as her fat head. Time for paperwork! That’s the time of the leasing process where the dealership drags out the obligatory fat homely guy they keep in the back during sales time so he doesn’t scare away customers.

Victoria is getting ready for her big Brain Awareness Month. Might wanna invite your whole family to that one, kid. She wants Baby Joey to get involved, but it’s too girly for him. “Is this the Brain Tumor thing?” No, silly, that’s next month. She’s got so much brain volunteerism going on because seven years ago they found out she had a brain tumor! Poor girl! She doesn’t look like the type that might have brain problems at all.

The important thing now is to keep her head from any further damage. That’s why she’s got so much Aqua Net on. You guys, are any of you watching this show to feel bad about a kid who almost died from brain injuries? Me neither. FF. When I press play, Kathy is saying “Don’t spit in the wind, cuz you never know if it’ll come back and hit you in the face.” I have no idea what she’s talking about, but you also shouldn’t pee in the wind. I did that at prom and it was mortifying. Victoria always wants to remain close, so she says they should make a brother/sister contract. I want a contract with Bravo. “We promise to make an attempt to keep you awake during this show for the remainder of the season. Signed, Bobblehead Andy”. I have a feeling that will never happen.

Antony comes over to Mel’s spec house with music for all da millions a words she’s been texting. The song is about how Mel feels the weight of the world crushing down on her. Those are called creditors, but that word is hard to rhyme. She’s on display on display on display! Please make it stop. She keeps insisting that she’s insecure. All she needs is a bikini top and some spike heels and she’s good to go. Cut to Kathy talking about how women have dreams and then they’re crushed by their lame ass families. Well, sometimes that’s a good thing. I just hope Mel waxes her stomach before she goes onstage for the first time.

Caroline and Albert are having the time of their lives. Albert’s cleaning the sink and Caroline’s watching. Anyone horny yet? She tells us that she called up a radio station and asked for an interview. Uh huh, cuz that’s how it always happens. I just called Warner Brothers and got my own movie! It’s gonna be about a guy who can spell out words in Chinese by rearranging his stretch marks. CYA!

Gia’s at her swim meet. Grandma came! Juicy and Tre came! Midge is MIA. Gia is mouthing something to Teresa, but she can’t understand what.

Cannoli? Cummin’? Ingredientses? WHAT?!?!

Possibly, but we don’t shout QUEER out in public! We call it “friendly with cousins!”

Gia’s starting to mess up here and there because Midge hasn’t shown up . Teresa says she’s too excited to see her brother. And she’s not the only one.

Caroline is on her way to the radio station, and she’s scared that she’s gonna be murdered in the shady part of town. Otherwise known as New Jersey. She calls Jacqui for support, and they gossip about Teresa. Caroline’s not able to read this Kathy person, cuz she tries to come off all nice, but she’s related to Tre so let’s face it, bitch is gonna blow any minute. They lose their connection and the call is dropped. Unfortunately, the scene wasn’t. Were the editors on a lunch break? And why does every family on this show have a white SUV?

Caroline goes to her radio interview and kisses butt immediately. She’s not an idiot. The secretary is, though. She should be on air talent, not a paper pusher! Lord knows she has a face for radio.

So, what makes Caroline think she can get great ratings? “I have no idea what makes me think that!” Um….bad answer. She saves herself with “I have no experience with radio, but I have experience with life!” That sounds good, but um…we all have experience with life. Cuz we’re alive and all. She’s asked a test question. What would you do if your husband was facebooking with an ex? Nothing! If facebook is ruining your relationship, it already sucks. Good answer! That said, I would cut off the left nut of any man of mine who was facebooking an ex. And that’s why I have no radio show. Also, cuz I’m too hot. I’ve just been single my whole life cuz I wanna be. Why am I crying right now?

Gia falls off the beam at her meet and gets back on. Juicy asks if she was supposed to fall or if she was supposed to do that? HAHAH! Love it. Yes, Juicy, the fall was choreographed. Jersey Gymnastics. Midge didn’t show up and now the meet is over! Oh no! He shows up too late, and Juicy’s pissed. He won’t even say hi to their kid. “That kid nevah says hi to me!” I love that. Why should you be nice to kids just cuz they’re little? A bitch is a bitch! My sister got all pissed when I fought with her two year old in the car, but I told her she deserved it and if you don’t hit her now she’ll be ten times as bad when she’s twenty. I totally won that one, and I relished my victory the whole walk home. So this show is pretty non-eventful so far and you’re still reading the recap. I figure the least I can do is inspire you to stay on your low carb diet and take some fish oil pills every once in awhile:

Teresa is up Midge’s ass immediately about missing the events, then guilts him about Gia asking for him all day. He got the times confused and rolls his eyes. Mel says that Teresa’s always late, so who cares? Your husband is crushing a child’s heart, woman. Crushing it! She’ll never be ok! Gia is thrilled to see him, cuz he gets to watch her take 107th place. So proud! All the kids are having fun, but Melissa feels empty. Oh Christ. Read a book. Midge says they should meet at a restaurant to talk. Nooooo! Restaurants have tables!

He walks his mom out, and she gives him shit for missing the meet. Then she gives him shit jewelry for his wife. She won’t do it herself, and I don’t blame her. Melissa would find some reason to be offended by it. At home, Melissa complains that she doesn’t like the feelings his family gives her. They just won’t accept her! It might be the bedazzled hats or the rude cards or the witch sisters. But I’m not an expert until I have a radio show. She says that the whole family hates her even though she’s the only one who makes Midge call them. She wants them to be together! But only if they give her respect. I don’t know what that entails, but I have a feeling she’s not gonna like them unless they play “On Display” during Christmas parties.

Midge says his family sucks and they have to stop abusing his wife if they want him back in their lives! Ugh. It’s over and no one got hit. RIP OFF! Next week, Midge and Tre have it out. It better be good dammit. I didn’t get my fill of violence for the week. I’m gonna have to go out and find a kitten to kick now. Thanks, JERSEY.