I don’t know about you but in this episode the Jersey girls finally got interesting. Sort of. I’d still rather watch Mike Holmes talk about faulty wiring or spend an afternoon imitating Sandra Lee’s drunken over-enunciation of every word, as if we were all slow kids learning how to make our first box of mac ‘n cheese-uh.
That uber-crocked Betty Crocker drives me crazy. I can’t watch her without her voice irritating the very core of my spine and making my fillings itch. I shudder to think of it, even as I watch Teresa and her own issues with the English language, or should I say mangling thereof.
It’s time to take little baby Audriana home from the hospital along with all her belongings. All her belongings? What on earth do you mean, Twunty? She’s only a couple of days old. She couldn’t possible have accrued anything approaching ‘belongings,’ now could she?
Lucky for her bill collectors don’t repo balloons.
A baggage dolly? They had to use a baggage dolly and one of those large service carts in order to move all her shit out of there. I came home in a lace dress, a pink hand me down bonnet and a baby blankie. My mom got flowers and cards. I too was the fourth child. Nobody gave my mom shit. She already had everything! Giving an infant that much crap is absurd. But then again- look who we’re talking about here.
Daffy the Dumbfuck.
At least it was all bought and paid for by friends and family. No need to rack up any more credit card debt that will be passed on to you and me after the bankruptcy filing is finished. We have that to be thankful for. Whoopee.
In the Escalade ride home Teresa tells Juicy that she wants him to get a vasectomy. Huh? What does she have to worry about? Didn’t they get knocked up only after visits to a fertility clinic, one they owe thousands of dollars to? These two are turning into the Curtains of northern New Jersey. Maybe worse. Even the car that Juicy is driving got repo’d, and Slurry got to keep her Beemer, last I checked. Teresa even jokes about needing a bigger vehicle to tool around in.
Go for it. I saw an Econoline van in the Classifieds for less than five grand.
And if the Guidice clan hit their heads on the roof after hitting a pothole because there aren’t enough seatbelts, so be it. Safety doesn’t seem to be a huge priority with these two, as we’ll see later at Gia’s party.
They take the baby into the house to meet the girls and I have to say, don’t get used to the glitz and glamour of marble and onyx shitters, my child.
You’ll be living in Mama Manzo’s gazebo before you say your first “roo-in,” or “bee-in,” I promise.
And don’t believe for one minute that slow Juicy ‘Mo was watching those hellions while Teresa was convalescing. They may try to hide them but you know it was Teresa’s non-nanny parents that were picking up the slack from their musty dwellings next to the furnace room in the cellar. They probably have them chained down there to a printer, churning out Teresa’s cookbook too.
On the other side of town, Danielle is meeting Kim G for drinks and they brag about how they don’t brag about their jewelry and various trappings of wealth. First of all, we need a new name for KimmyPoo. She kinda resembles Joan Fontaine in her 60s or an aging Soap star, and she looks like she reeks of White Shoulders perfume. Help me out, Gasmii. Any ideas?
Other than Housewives Shit Stirer #9,783?
Secondly, which is worse? Actually boasting about your Home Shopping bracelet, or gloating over the fact that you don’t brag about it as you hold it up in front of the cameras? What a bunch of bullshit.
“I ask you, does this look like it would be worn by gah-bidge?”
Kim says that she admires Danielle for attending the event at the Brownstone even though she certainly is persona non grata with the Manzo’s. So stupid. What does she think will happen? Al Senior is going to have her whacked or sic his dogs on her? Please, their German Shepherd would probably sniff her butt and then ask her to play. Dogs know a fellow canine when they smell one.
Jacqueline interviews that old Joker Face likes to befriend people with money and power and then see if she can manipulate them into taking her side and doing her bidding. I have to agree that this whole friendship with old doily face Kim is highly suspect. What’s up with all of Kim’s, “I got your back” talk? Does she have a Manzo grudge of her own? Maybe she just wants to be on TV and this was the only one of the women that returned her calls.
Her son is getting some airtime too. He’s being eagerly awaited by Caroline and her kids as they kvetch around the kitchen. Have we ever even glimpsed any other room in that house? For the life of me, I can’t remember a single bedroom or even a foyer.
Kim’s son’s name is John and he swaggers into the house hollering something like, “eeeehhnnnuhhhhh.” I have no idea what that was about. Maybe it’s ‘hello’ in Jersey Italian, and we’re just not familiar with the term. It’s no doubt not unlike a weird dialect you might stumble upon in Sicily where cousins have been marrying cousins since the reign of Julius Ceasar.
“Who wants to throw some ham?! ehhnnnnnuhhhh?”
After more of that stupid ham game, they sit down to discuss what Kim G would do if John hit HER with ham and then Caroline drops the bomb that Kim called and asked her to lunch and she refused.
John looks hella uncomfortable but I understand why she did it. It was Kim’s attempt to be on TV more and to spy for Danielle, or maybe she wants to play both sides, whatever. All I know is that Caroline was wise not to fall for it. I still don’t know what’s up with old Granny Hips, but it’s probably no good. Caroline’s excuse was that she didn’t want anything to muck up Chris and John’s friendship, and that’s fine. Good. Way to go, you supercilious red head. You’re giving gingers a bad name the world over. They don’t need any more of that. One Lohan did enough damage. You can shut up now.
HEAD COCK! I don’t care if she’s smiling, it still counts. Now drink!
She doesn’t shut up and the only thing that bothers me about this refusal is the way Caroline does it, just like she does almost everything else. She acts like she’s the Queen doling out favors and I think that she secretly loves telling people no. She loves the attention and she loves her high horse almost as much as Jill Zarin does.
She probably could have met Kim for a friendly lunch. What’s so hard about that? Like I said, she loves to be the center of the universe. It’s weird because Dina is the complete opposite. She’s laid back and charming and refreshingly low maintenance. She’s a good girl and she takes her Godmothering duties pretty seriously.
She’s paying a visit to her new God-daughter this evening at Teresa’s but first she must go through what appears to be the gates of Hell. She looks like she’s scared to touch the front door, and who wouldn’t be?
Not to mention all the demon spawn on the other side…
They sit in Teresa’s giant onyx and gold kitchen and drink Bellinis. At least Teresa does. Dina opts for no alcohol. I’m with Teresa on this one. I kinda wish that Dina would let lose and imbibe a few. Cut a rug and cut a bitch with that snarky tongue of hers.
Sadly, she doesn’t, even though she jokes that she just might start if the Danielle drama doesn’t let up soon. GO OVER THERE AND TALK TO HER ALREADY. Sheesh, I’m getting tired of hearing about it. Now she’s officially spoken to every housewife about it except for the actual housewife she should be talking to.
The usual Danielle bashing ensues, and Dina tells Teresa that she thinks Danielle is a sociopath. Sociopath is a word with nine letters. The only word with nine letters that Teresa understands is vasectomy.
The rest of the time she manages to get by with grunts.
That’s okay. The world has always had idiots in it and it always will. It’s also always had lazy sods in it and that’s where we come to dinner with Ashley, her boyfriend Derek and two very Caroline-like Manzo kids.
Not content with meddling in each other’s lives, Albie and Lauren decide to bug Ashley about her mediocre life since they are higher up in the cousin foodchain, being a handful of years older. Lauren has a shitty attitude about doling out advice and she resignedly admits in interviews to believing that her opinion counts for squat. This is why you are so fascinating to watch, Lauren.
You have that incredible zest for life that is simply irresistible.
They all drink except Ashley. The waitress makes a point of asking her if she’s okay with just water and I smell a set-up to see if she was going to try and order alcohol. The freaking waitress looked right at the camera when she asked. Amateurs.
Albie starts to interrogate Ashley about her nowhere-girl life and lauren shoots her evil looks, as if her life were much better! What does Lauren do? Anyone know? Is she busy replacing toilet seat liners and hand towels in the Brownstone bathrooms? Did she follow through with cosmetology? Is she just biding her time until she gets her wedding and starts popping out her own crumb grabbers?
It’s another mystery, just like whether or not Derek is mute.
He sits there not speaking and how dumb was it for Lauren to ask if they were planning on getting married? What is this, Amish country? Who talks about getting married when they’re 18? Ashley, apparently. She and doltish Derek have discussed it. Let’s all collectively get it over with and shudder once again for the Franklin Lakes school system.
Albie gives Ashley the old standby “You don’t know who you are when you’re 18,” speech and I don’t see the point of it. She obviously doesn’t have a clue who she is or what she wants or she wouldn’t be floating in her little limbo cloud trying to figure out if she should buy the midnight blue nail polish or the more traditional deep red.
I get the feeling that she hasn’t had to do too much decision making in her life, so why should she start now? She’ll continue to wait for things to happen TO her and then react accordingly, all while Derek bites his lip and promises to pull out next time, and that is the closest this boy will ever get to living on the edge.
As dangerous as oatmeal.
Actually, oatmeal is more dangerous. I’ve had it do a number on my bowels before. This guy only makes me mildly gassy. Not the same. Wake me up when he grows a personality. Thanks.
In an effort to bring their two clans closer together, Jacqueline is hitting up Derek’s mother’s house with flowers and booze. Sounds like love at first sight to me!
His mommy’s name is Jamee and her older clapboard home is impeccable. It’s nice and reminds me of the century homes in downtown Chagrin Falls or Willoughby that now serve as attorney’s offices or creaky first floor nick nack shoppes.
Jamee puts the flowers in water and tells Jacqueline that Ashley has been a perfect little angel every time she visits. Why, she’s even helped clean up the place and it was all her own idea!
“You mean kids will do stuff if you don’t nag them to death about it? You don’t say!”
Jacqueline nearly falls over when she hears this and I have to say, maybe that could be aimless Ashley’s future- she could open up her own Merry Maids! Problem solved. Yeah, I know. She was probably just kissing future mother-in-law ass. I mean, she must be head over heels in love to have actually picked up a broom out of her own free will.
They open the wine and start gobbling up a cheese plate, getting tipsier by the minute. They joke about ending up face down on the floor drunk after a couple of heady sips and then Jacqueline lays in Jamee’s lap as she feeds her grapes.
Uh oh, someone’s a little bi curious. Make a sex tape! It can’t be any worse than Danielle’s.
This is, though.
Gia’s birthday party. Ugh. Double ugh and ickypoo to the nth degree, especially in light of what we know about the Giudice’s financial situation at the moment. I hope they got a freebie or at least a hefty discount from the Sweet & Sassy party girl service. It’s such an obvious display of wealth and tackiness. It left a bad taste in my mouth that I can’t even describe. Something between caveman hairballs and the smell of urine soaked toddler’s mattresses, that’s it.
What happened to having a cake, choosing what you wanted to eat for dinner and then playing stupid raffle games with your friends? You’d open presents and your mom would rig one of the games so that the poorest girl of the group would win the best prize. What ever happened to that?
I know they still exist. I’ve been to them. This is just crazy. Gia’s friends arrive and they shove their bags full of gifts at her in one huge free for all until one of the mothers steps in to help.
This is what happens when you let the little bugger answer the door herself.
Usually the grandparents do it but they’re still locked up in the basement.
Little monkey Milania is climbing the staircase while no nannies watch her and that would be fine and all
if she wasn’t climbing it on the OUTSIDE.
Oh well, they have hard heads, evrybahdee, and who’s going to really notice if one goes missing or lands on a hairy forehead a little too hard? All it takes is a handful of hundreds from a ‘relative’ and several visits to Dr. Babymaker and we’re back in business trying for that elusive Giudice son.
Until then, it’s pink limos and child sized ATVs arriving in the back of pick-up trucks, and a spin around the mile long driveway with Gabriella jealously crying while clutching her big sister around the waist, as Teresa begs her own daughter to say that she loves her present.
“Do you love it, Gia, do you LOVE it, cuz mommy and daddy are gonna need to borrow the keys to go to the grocery store after the repo guy gets here tomorrow.”
“I LIKE IT,” says Gia, trying to get her needy mother to shut up. Did you feel horrified when Gia immediately rode the mini four wheeler without a helmet, or were you more horrified by Teresa yelling at her to stay out of puddles so that her dress wouldn’t get messy? There’s so much to choose from! It’s like 31 Flavors of Fail!
Some people need a license to procreate and some people can’t see what is two feet in front of their faces. Teresa sends all the kids off in the limo and remarks that she is raising “diva’s, not tomboys,” right after she gave her daughter a tomboyish ATV. I don’t care if she rides it down to Toys R Us to buy dozens of Barbies. It’s still something you’d give a boy before a girl, you preposterously human specimen.
Seriously, is there proof? I think scientists need to study her. I’m not buying her homosapien-hood until I see some DNA samples, people!
And I feel so sorry for the limo driver. As soon as they get on the road Gia counts to three and then makes them all scream at the top of their lungs. Just wait until she gets to Junior High. This kid is going to be a bitch, and when she finds out that mommy and daddy are poor? It’s going to get ugly. You thought Nelly from Little House on the Prairie was bad? This will be some epic Samara shit from The Ring.
And this one’s the next Noah Cyrus.
Gabby is still sulking in her corner because none of this is about her, and then they finally pull up to the salon for facials and chocolate flavored masks. Ther’s even a photographer to record the events for spoiled brat posterity and I want to nominate every single adult in attendance for an award of some kind. I would be slitting my wrists slowly with childproof scizzors over by the shampoo sinks. These people act like they’re actually enjoying themselves. God help them.
It’s at moments like these I THANK GOD I never had children.
I just have dogs, as does Danielle and hers are little and yappy, not all that different from the Giudice kids. Granny Kim arrives in her Bentley with her driver Harry whom she calls, “Honey.” Don’t get excited. She doesn’t dip her pinky into the dark and lovely hired help.
She calls everyone honey, even Danielle.
She’s there to pick up Danielle for the Charity function at the Brownstone. They sit down at the table to wait for Danny the midget punk and Kim tells her that Christopher will be parking cars. Gee, who told her that? She must be psychic or something.
She tells Danielle not to worry because the Manzo’s would never turn anyone away from a benefit for a sick baby, and that’s the truth. Al senior said as much when he sat down with Christopher before the event. He told him to treat her like any other paying customer and used common sense when he told him how to handle her.
Unfortunately, those words aren’t in Danielle’s vocabulary.
Danny arrives and Danielle tells him that she hopes that everything goes smoothly tonight with a reptilian smile that says otherwise. Kim asks him what his take on the situation is and he says that there will be no problems because he can’t drink, but in six days- watch out.
“What’s in six days?,” asks Kim. Why, that’s when Danny the dope gets off parole! This is the moment that you and I realize that nothing is going to happen at the Brownstone. Only an idiot would cause an altercation when he’s that close to complete freedom. Oh wait. He’s friends with Danielle, he’s worse than an idiot. He’s a borderline mindless imbecile.
Kim looks shocked that Danilelle would consort with a known felon and then we hear Ashley interview that she heard that Danny broke someone’s hand.
Yeah, with his face.
Before we get to the moronic events at the Brownstone, Juicy has to get his new daughter’s name inked on his arm. Teresa tells the tattoo artist that she doesn’t have any ink because that would be like putting a bumper sticker on a Bentley.
So what’s Joe? An AMC Pacer?
Huh. He wishes. He’s probably driving around in one of his ‘family’ member’s borrowed trucks.
None of the women are attending the benefit at the Brownstone this evening. Instead, they are at Caroline’s drinking Bellinis and sharing beauty secrets. Caroline says that she won’t do botox but she does shave her face every day. Take a moment to let that sink in.
I can’t. I just can’t. Hasn’t she heard of laser hair removal? She can take a nice fun yummy percocet and valium cocktail and let a nice lady remove all that stuff permanently, not take a freaking razor to her cheeks and chin?! What is it with these women and their hair issues?
Why is Caroline shaving her face while Teresa refuses to do anything about her Neanderthal cavewoman forehead? She let them airbrush it back a couple of feet on her book cover, why can’t she fix that shit in real life? I’m guessing that the doctor and beauty salon establishments of Franklin Lakes are finally on to her and stopped extending credit. No removal for you, not even with an old electrolysis needle.
Speaking of, this bankruptcy puts a whole new spin on how gleeful she was when she heard that Danielle owed the boutique $400. Who’s a charity case now, Ho-bag? What a hypocrite.
They start talking shit about Danielle for the zillionth boring time with Caroline reiterating what Al Senior said about the Brownstone being a public place where Danielle is more than welcome to embarrass herself anytime. She says that she told Chris to not even engage Danielle in conversation and says that she’s invisible to them. She can go home with her ceremonial giant check and sleep with it at night.
Ain’t nobody doing any sleeping after picturing you with Barbasol all over your face, sister.
At the brownstone, things are humming along swimmingly. The place is packed with people and it looks more like a VA event or a Union meeting than a charity function. Everyone is dressed down and it’s being sponsored by a local hunting association.
In the Bentley on the way over, they are giving lip service to the event like they’re reading off of cue cards but we know the real reason that they are going.
So that Danny can wag his wiener at everybody.
I bet it smells like Brut cologne and Maverick cigarettes.
They pull up and everyone immediately notices the Bentley, and Christopher RUNS. He literally takes one look and hides behind a column. I would too. Hell, I’d close my eyes and stick my fingers in my ears just to be safe.
This does not go unnoticed by the wankers in the car. I swear, they take irrational glee in their insipid noteriety. It’s pathetic.
There’s an entire entourage of assorted thugs and Hell’s Angels waiting to escort them into the building. Talk about overkill! Say what you want about Danielle but no one ever accused her of understatement, or making any sense for that matter.
Chris comes out from his hiding place and Danielle thanks him for so graciously allowing her to enter his “home.” What does she think this is, Knot’s Landing? What a queerball.
He’s polite right back at her and she interviews that this whole scene was one giant psychological ‘eff you’ because the Brownstone is the Manzo’s second home. Oookaaaay, sure.
Christopher says hello to Granny Kim G and tells her that she’s in for a surprise when she goes inside because she’s completely overdressed. The Grand Prize is a shotgun, for God’s sake! Do your homework before you show up, you dumb twits!
“Surprise, surprised? Silly boy, I always look like this. Don’t go to surgeons in strip malls, take it from me. I learned the hard way.”
What does Granny do? She goes over to Danielle and starts to stir shit up by saying that Chris said they were in for a big surprise. She neglects to include the bit about being overdressed since this is her one-woman game of telephone, apparently.
We all know what’s coming as Danielle creates her own version of events, that she didn’t even witness, saying that Christopher issued this missive with a sadistic gleam in his eye, probably while sharpening a stiletto and picking out which toddler he was going to cut with it first.
She turned it around so that it looked like a threat issued directly at her and all I have to say is
maybe it was just a big old psychological eff you, you moronic praying mantis.
They make their way inside where Danielle meets the sick baby’s mother, Anna. She promises to do whatever she can to help the baby and then does nothing, as we all know. She can’t afford to pull nails out of her own walls, so she sure as hell doesn’t have any money for sick babies with cancer.
The baby’s mom looks exactly as you would imagine a sick baby’s mom to look like. Tired, make-up-less and sad. She looks like you could knock her over with a feather and I don’t think she wants to spend any time around Danielle and her self centered nonsense. She looks like she’d rather be anywhere else, and we even see her casing the room with her eyes in an effort to find an escape.
Danielle has this creepy habit of staring at people until they pay full attention to her. She’s doing it to the poor lady now. She’s so psychotic that she probably can’t help herself. Everything is about her, all the time.
She can’t even see how crowded the place is. It looks like it’s at fire code maximum levels. A girl seats her and Granny Shit Stirrer at their table and Danielle immediately demands seats for her unannounced guests. I’m sorry, I meant to say ‘non-paying non-donating not invited or welcome asshole’ entourage.
The seating chart is prepared in advance by the charity but Al Senior kindly accommodates the losers with their own table anyway. What does dopey Danny do? He brags to Danielle that he went down to the big guy’s office and told him to put up some fucking tables. Sure. What a little liar. I’d like to see THAT on camera,
but I never will, because it never happened.
There’s a little tiff between Danny and a guy whose face is blurred out and I’m sitting here thinking, if Danielle cared so much about her ‘honored guesthood’ and doing her part for a sick baby, why the fuck didn’t she check with the person in charge of seating or at least arrive early to see if there was any way she could help out?
She would have IF she cared. She doesn’t. She likes to create mayhem and then feign innocence as people around her pick up the pieces. She’s actually standing there with Kim laughing at the scene Danny is creating, like it’s a big joke to her, as pictures of sick babies flash on a screen behind her.
You kinda are a piece of gah-bidge, bitch, and this pretty much proves it.
Danielle even complains to the baby’s mother and random people attending the event. They all look at her like she just escaped from a loony bin as she gets uppity over her impromptu table way out in catering Siberia.
She tells Danny to do whatever he needs to do to get the respect for her that she feels is her due, and they get up to leave. What the fuck was that all about? She tells him to wreck the joint and he decides that they should go? Like I said before, somebody doesn’t want to go back to jail for getting into a fight over a prostitution hoo-arr.
Kim gives the organizers a check and they leave “with their dignity,” according to Danielle. Not so fast, my puerile princess. It turns out that the event organizers asked them to leave, not the Manzo’s and their bullying ways. Nobody from the Brownstone said anything to her, not a peep.
This is all too tame and milquetoast for Danielle and she decides to tell Danny about Christopher’s ‘big surprise’ comment as they wait for the Bentley downstairs. He then calls Chris a “punk and a faggot.” Um hmm. The punk called Christopher a fag and Danielle did nothing about it. This, after all the shit she gave Teresa for having a homophobic husband.
I cannot wait for that to come up at the reunion.
It doesn’t matter what this asshole says anyway. He’s a coward and a loser. We all know it and no amount of ’30 to Life Stares,’ are going to change that. That’s assuming he really did give Al one of those stares when he came down to check everything out.
It was probably more like a ‘Don’t make me a bitch for 30 to Life’ stare, and he’s no doubt an expert at those.
Kim tells Danny that Chris is her son’s best friend and he calls him spineless. For what? Telling a dumb rich cow that she was overdressed? Oh, that’s right. Kim neglected to tell anyone about that part. What is her problem? There’s more to this story, Gasmii. She’s probably super pissed that Caroline turned down her offer of lunch and now she’s out for revenge, right alongside Danielle.
The Invisible One whips out her phone and pretends to speak to someone who gives a crap. She tells the imaginary friend on the other line that the Manzo’s just can’t stand to see anyone treat her with love in their precious Brownstone. Then she brags that she got more love from the people there than the Manzo’s have in their entire lifetime and that she knows what’s what because she has a good grasp on reality.
Try again, honey. You meant to say beastiality, right?
“Yeah, right, sure,” says Kim.
Don’t get all jaded on us now, you gullible loser. You signed up for this friendship, remember?
The episode ends with Christopher joking around with his friends over the ‘big surprise, you’re wearing a ballgown to a barbecue,’ comments and we get a snapshot of next time with Dina saying that she’s given Danielle every possible chance and now she’s pissed! It’s about time.
Piss away, Witchypoo! I cannot wait!
Love and Kisses,