RHONJ: The Musical Episode

Last week without the Real Housewives of New Jersey was a sad week, bereft of accessorized hats and accusations of book signing snubs…but we’re back!  They sort of take a break from the everlasting blood feud this week, but there’s plenty brewing.  Plus, Gia performs The Milania Song, which is the new On Display, On Display, On Display.

Out of my way, bitches.

Our housewives are traversing the snowy New Jersey terrain in their $100,000 EscaHummer. It’s Jacquee and Caroline, who are discussing an upcoming 5k that everyone will be running.  Don’t panic, it gets better than this.  And fast, because as they pull up to Jacquee’s estate, there’s Teresa sitting in the driveway.  In pink feathers.  Or pink fur?  I don’t know. All I now is it looks like a flamingo shit cotton candy on her shoulders and it is vintage Jersey and I love it very much.  Although I do think it’s missing a matching headpiece.

Of course Jacquee and Caroline knew this was coming, because in the snowy car ride over, Caroline had done a pretty catty Teresa impression, something like “Everything’s great, we’re family, we love each other!”  The Manzos trash talking Teresa and the Brown Smurf will be a welcome and recurring theme today.  Given their firm belief that household chores make good TV, it’s basically their only purpose on the show at this point.

They all enter Jacquee’s house, and our first treat is no Ashley!  At all!

It’s a miracle, thank you Jesus!

I guess this is all happening right after the book signing showdown because Teresa is immediately a mile  a minute about how she needs the hug her brother didn’t give her at the book signing.  Jacquee obliges by wrapping her legs around Teresa, who sort of humps her.  And let’s be honest, that was probably an exact substitute from what she wanted from her midget brother.

Caroline just looks annoyed to be there, another recurring theme. She suggests they sit down for the conversation.  Although, who can blame her?

There should be a complimentary Xanax provided to anyone who has to listen to this crap in real life.

So Teresa tells Brown Smurf’s side of the story, which is that he was only protecting her but then her brother called him stupid and nanny nanny boo boo Brown Smurf is still doing your sister.  On TV.

Caroline snickers that real men don’t fight over texts, and Jacquee dopily asks why Joe called Joe stupid in the first place.  They all agree that the war of texts is affecting the “mending process” – and on top of everything, Milania’s birthday is coming.  Teresa makes it clear that she wants her brother there, and Caroline tells her that even though she’s not going to like hearing it, the connection is Melissa.

Teresa agrees to call Melissa, and Caroline, master shit stirrer, forces her to make the call right there in Jacquee’s kitchen.  Mel answers, and they manage to get through the “thanks for coming to my book signing” and “happy to be there” part of the conversation without any passive aggressive or other kind of  bloodshed.  Don’t worry though, it’s coming.

Teresa says something about how they both need to talk to their husbands, and it’s a new day and that goes on for about ten seconds, and then – I’m telling you, she can not control herself and it’s awesome – Teresa blurts that her brother has to realize that he can’t do and say this and that and honestly, I lose track of what she’s saying because it is immediately an indecipherable shouting match between sister in laws.

Of course, everyone’s favorite ticket to martyrdom, THE CHRISTENING, comes up.   And after definitively being the one to start (although, to be fair, if Teresa hadn’t, Melissa somehow would have), Teresa is now yelling at Mel to stop bringing up the past.  But the best part, by far, is Caroline and Jacquee frantically waving their arms in the background, telling Teresa to cut it out, which she casually ignores.

Mayday!  Mayday!

We love each other! We’re family!

They both finally calm down, somewhat…and then Teresa has to threaten Mel over Milania’s birthday party, warning her “I expect my brother to be there.”  That brings the whole thing back up to a boil for a few, and then it dies down and they hang up.  Caroline and Jacquee look like they’ve been through the war, and Teresa chirpily informs them that she’s sure “it will be fine. Done.”

The next morning is the 5k.  First we see Kathy and Lebanese Dilbert, who are the culprits of this stupid sub-plot, puttering around their kitchen.  Kathy tells us she’s going to “bring it”.  Lady, I can’t even imagine what you would have to bring to a 5k to make it interesting.

We have similar luck with Jacquee, who’s wearing some kind of animal on her head, and Chris Laurita. Chris asks Jacquee what this 5k he’s been roped into is even for.  She pauses for a minute, and replies “for disabled”.  Right.  Moving on.

We hear a toilet flush, and you know that can only mean one thing – the Guidi.  Sure enough, there’s Teresa, esteemed cookbook author, shuffling out of the bathroom and whining about the runs.  She hits the bedroom and tries to wake the sleeping ogre with man boobs camped out in her bed.

She informs him that she has “the runs”, which certainly explains how they keep the romance alive in that marriage.  She tells her husband to ignore her brother, and then sticks her runny ass in his face to wake him up.  That’s not the gross part.  The gross part is, it doesn’t work. ”Runnig a 5k is hard when you have the runs,” she informs us.  So is attending christenings. And book signings. And New Years parties.  And…I think I’m starting to understand how this skinny Italian scam works.

At Jacquee’s house, Caroline walks in with her crew -  Chris, Albie, Lauren and Gay Sidekick.  They come dressed as their normal characters of: Confused, Depressed, Mopey and Desperate, respectively.

Confused and Depressed.

Mopey.

Desperate.

Meanwhile, at Teresa’s, the Brown Smurf is busy preparing a healthy runner’s snack of freshly ground sausage and wine.

Pigs and grapes, and this rockin’ physique can be all yours.

Brown Smurf is truly nauseating in his wife beater and some of the biggest man boobs ever.  Teresa sees nothing wrong with bringing pork and wine to a 7 AM 5k, and helpfully offers to add a sandwich to the mix.

The Manzos and the Lauritas hit the road and the car ride is a veritable Giudice bashing festival.  It’s hilarious.  They muse over Brown Smurf’s sausage and wine project and wonder if it’s legal to drive around with wine at 7 AM.  ”Things Joe Guidice does not say when he leaves the house – is this legal?” the Manzos joke.

Then they start talking about all the books Teresa could write, based on her expertise.  Jealous Italian.  F*&king Italian.  I forget what else, but they say they can make this joke for days. Me too!

Constipated Italian?

Teresa and Joe seem to not be as massively late as they normally are, and of course she’s driving while Brown Smurf sits prissily in the passenger seat making no promises to be nice to her family, and simultaneously informing her, “You know me Tre, I don’t start nothin’.”  Teresa is of course driving and applying sparkly pink lip gloss at the same time.

At the race, no one seems to be taking things too seriously.  Joe Gorga looks like a midget next to Gay Sidekick.  Brown Smurf immediately proves how he doesn’t start nothin’ with nobody by informing the group that Gorga should have no problem in the race as he’s used to running away from people.  The Manzo boys make fun of Caroline in her nine thousand layers of Albert’s clothes, and comment that their Dad is wandering around somewhere naked right now.

The housewives all start the race a little late, with Teresa and the Brown Smurf  the last ones in the pack.  But Teresa’s getting competitive!  She yells at Brown Smurf to get moving.  He trudges along and mumbles that it will take him just one second to catch up with everyone else.

Everyone is looking for Teresa, and then they realize that she has bolted ahead, because whoever wins this race is clearly the nicer person and the one not to blame for any family blood feuds.  Meanwhile, Caroline and Mel, who’s another one with some kind of adorable/dead animal on her head, just sort of stroll around the neighborhood.  Teresa tries to get Brown Smurf to run, but he is simply not able, due to the very valid reasons of 1. He worked out too hard the day before and 2. He got about “one minute” of sleep the night before.

Kathy correctly points out that Teresa is looking at the 5k as a big competition, and Teresa thoughtfully points out that even though Rich and Kathy run all they time, they’re still fat.  She says it out of the corner of her mouth, and sort of off camera, and I can’t understand why.  If you’re going to be a raging asshole, at least own it.

Albie and company finish first because they cheat – crawling under a barbed wire fence or something.  Midge Joe joyously straddles Gay Sidekick and Mel yells at him, “You like it, just admit it!”  See, even she knows it’s true.  Finally, Teresa jogs up, Brown Smurf waddling behind her.  Gay Sidekick comments that if Brown Smurf comes rolling up with a pizza, he’ll be pleased. Teresa and Brown Smurf are still jerks, but at least they’re jerks that finished the race, even Smurfy.  I hate to admit it,but there’s something to be said for that.

Although, if offered the option of having a business partner run the race and pretending they forced him to sit out - well, let’s not kid ourselves.

They make a big deal about what honest upstanding people they are for finishing the race, and what tricky cheaters everyone else is.  Brown Smurf invites everyone over for post-5k sausage and wine in his truck, and Midge Joe ties a scarf around Gay Sidekick and pretends it’s a studded leash and lives one of his million gay fantasies of walking him down the street.

And the love story continues in the most magical of all romantic locales, Hoboken.  The Manzo boys and Gay Sidekick are having the Gorgas over for some Rufies and a big orgy.  But first they are nervous about their apartment, because as Gay Sidekick puts it, the Gorgas live “in the Bellagio”.  They think Gay Sidekick lives vicariously through Melissa, and honey, if I was a gay guy, I would too!  I mean, the leopard fur alone.

Gay Sidekick also has a love interest in Midge, who he calls “the gorilla of my dreams”.  They even have a red carpet and step and repeat for the Gorgas, which is cute and pathetic all at the same time.

Mel poses happily, and then goes home to write a song about the pressures of being on display in the Manzos’ Hoboken apartment.

Another great thing about the Gorgas is that the minute they’re seated, they want to know how these boys are paying for this apartment.  They BS about the Black Water thing, which turns into a conversation about their big Black Water launch event, which turns into Gay Sidekick excitedly proposing Melissa as the entertainment for the event.  Mel of course conveniently whips out a CD of On Display, and she shoves it in their little laptop with instructions to “blare it!”

So they listen to the CD, and there’s not a lot of reaction.  The Manzos always have their game face on, Mel notes, but she wants a reaction!  How are they not overcome with the urge to hoist that little PC on their shoulders boombox style and start jamming?  Gay Sidekick naturally loves it, but since he wants to be Melissa, his opinion is discounted as biased.

Finally, the boys make their decree.  Chris says it’s not his style, but he still enjoyed it.  Albie says she can perform at the extremely high profile Black Water party.  Mel excitedly informs them that she’s always ready to perform!

If by “perform”, you mean pose with headphones then yes! Born ready!

Then they ask what happens when Midge hits Hoboken – it becomes Joe-boken!  Everyone loves that one.  And so, they hit the bar. There’s all kinds of thinly veiled homosexual shenanigans going on there, but first let’s check in with Lauren.

Bore snore and seven years ago, Lauren’s mountie boyfriend took the covered  wagon down from somewhere in upstate NY and came to visit.  He enters the house with several brown bags and a tin bucket, and informs her that he is here to whisk her off for a fabulous evening of thrills and excitement…making mozzerella.  He makes it every morning, you see, and what better way to carpe diem and all that then making it at night too?

Chris informs us that watching Lauren’s relationship makes him not want a girlfriend.  In fact, I would not be at all surprised to learn that the Lauren and the Mountie making cheese scene has actually broken more than one couple  up.  He sticks a big wooden spoon in her hand, and she’s worried that she doesn’t look pretty.  The Mountie seriously looks more turned on by the cheese than by Lauren.

Then she talks about how bad she feels about her looks and how hard it is to have two handsome brothers – that sucks, but how ’bout a little less whining, and little more dieting?  And it definitely seems like she’s attached herself to this snoring Mountie because she thinks she can’t do any better, which is lame.

Okay, back to the gay acting out in Hoboken.  At the Chandelier Room, Midge is happily perched on Gay Sidekick’s shoulders, and they are both having a grand time.  Mel wants Gay Sidekick to help her pick bathing suits for their upcoming trip to Punta Cana, and Gay Sidekick snidely tells her they need to make her look better than Teresa, which Mel assures him will be no problem at all.  Then Midge pipes in to ask Gay Sidekick to fondle his wife. He talks a lot more about his and Mel’s sex life, and let’s just say my ears took the hit so yours didn’t have to.  You’re welcome.

Had to share the burden of this, though.  Sorries.

Finally, my television bursts into flames with the long awaited excitement of Milania’s 5th birthday party!  The only thing that beats Milania on a regular day is Milania on her birthday.  Well, Milania at her arraignment day should be pretty good too, but we’re at least five years away from that.

The first tantrum comes over wardrobe.  Teresa has her all decked out in some patchworky thing with purple high tops but Milania is not happy.

Get my agent on the phone!  Noooooooow!

Then she’s flipping out of some missing hair barrette.  Teresa informs us that Milania’s an “amazing kid” but when she wants something, she knows how to get it.

Teresa tries to veto the backup dress with the argument that she’s already worn it somewhere, and it’s too dressy but our little angel just screams and runs away, finally ending up halfway hidden under a bed. Her little patterned legs and purple high-tops stick out from underneath, like a tiny Italian Wicked Witch of the East.

Ding, dong!

Milania continues screaming and crying while Teresa blissfully tells us how “full of energy” and “outspoken” the little one is. And the minute she gets her dressed in the new outfit, she’s cooing what a little princess Milania looks like. The milkman’s kid looks on from behind a door, where she is clearly plotting her escape in the back of her real Daddy’s milk truck.

It’s go time.

Of course we have to address the fact that the Guidi are now broke, so they’re doing extravagent on a budget. They flash back to past parties in pink limos, and I’m going to flash forward to this weekend when the very budget conscious Guidi renewed their wedding vows in one of the most expensive estates in New York, complete with horse drawn carriage and $25,000 wedding gown. http://www.nypost.com/p/entertainment/tv/real_wife_marries_again_in_dress_8aLLEEFufBt7eRHZcKGpcI.  It was, of course, all to prove to the kids that bankruptcy, fraud and petty text fights aside, marriage is an everlasting fairy tale.

This week’s Bravo interlude is the backstory of Gay Sidekick’s sexuality. He always had to get drunk to hook up with girls. The Manzos ask him to send a chain email to all gay guys on earth informing them that the Manzo men are straight, and to stop giving them lewd looks.

Back to Milania’s party – it’s at the family pizza parlor, and shock of all shocks, Brown Smurf is actually doing something! He is setting things up and instructing the staff. Al Manzo holds the door open for a troop of about a dozen tiny kids and it’s very cute. Of course, Teresa and the kids aren’t there yet. They’re still in the car, where Teresa is convincing Milania that she’s a princess and Gia is asking if her Tio Joe is coming. Major foreshadowing for Gia’s dramatic scene ahead.

No animal print?  Something is very, very wrong here.  Unless dressing the family in spare tablecloths and toilet paper is another one of Teresa’s fabulous money saving tips?

Kathy and Lebanese Dilbert are there, although it does not appear that they have brought any cannoli art with them, which marks the end of their usefulness at this party. Although Kat does mention that she thinks supporting Teresa at the book signing did a lot for their relationship.

Caroline mentions that she’s afraid of the upcoming Punta Cana trip. She says that she’s going to grab her mojito, relax in a cabana and let everyone else kill each other.  What’s Albert up to?

Effin’ Milania.

Then Jacquee and Chris show up, and it looks like everyone is present and accounted for except, of course, the Gorgas.  Milania’s been unusually quiet up until this point, and I”m a little nervous that Teresa’s spiked her Capri Sun with a sedative.  But she perks up to start screaming that she’s hungry, and before long she and her little army of toddler-terrorists are pounding on the tables and yelling “WE WANT PIZZA!  WE WANT PIZZA!”

Effin’ Milania.

Finally, the Gorgas show.  Mel and her kid are dressed in matching leopard fur.  Gia is thrilled to see her Tio Joe.  Brown Smurf escapes into the kitchen the minute they arrive, and when Teresa chases him down  and asks if he’s said hello to her brother, he tells her he’s too busy.

So it seems like there’s tons of tensions brewing, but shockingly, they manage to keep it in check duirng the birthday party.  It’s  a pizza making party – each kid gets their own dough to squish around and decorate with sauce and cheese.  It actually looks like a fun kids party, but of course all Milania has to say about her little pizza is, “I hate it!”

Mommy, when’s Satan getting here?

Teresa has gone full out with the pizza theme, and has even made a pizza shaped cake.  Look, nothing’s ever so black and white – I have to say bankruptcy or not, she really made a cute birthday party.  Milania asks her little cousin to blow out candles with her, and it’s sweet.

AND THEN…GIA HAS A SURPRISE!

I have been waiting for this little musical number for two weeks now.  Gia, the singer-songwriter, has penned a touching tribute to her little sister.  She makes a very serious face, and  sings of the deep, layered bond between sisters.  It goes a little something like this:

The Milania Song

Milania, I remember when you were first born.

First you were one.

Then you were two.

Then you were three.

Then you were four.

Then you were five.

Well, I’m moved.  And I haven’t even gotten to the part where she praises Milania’s muscles in her legs from gymnastics.   And of course, in order to fully appreciate the song, you have to know that it was sung in full on Star Search  fashion – Milania came out as Mi-la-ha-nee-uh-huhhhhhhh.

All joking aside, she’s nine so it was a very nice effort. And then I really do get moved, becasue she sings a song to her Mom and her Tio Joe, but I think it’s just a song about her life in general. The words are something about waking up in the morning and going to school, wishing things would get better, worrying and too much on her mind.  It’s heartbreaking.  Or a very skilled performance.

Have you forgotten my stint on Gossip Girl? Suckers.

But she is really upset.  She finishes her song while choking back sobs.  I don’t think it’s just about Teresa and Midge  – it think it’s about everything in her life.  I mean, the kid doesn’t even have furniture anymore.  That’s got to be just a little bit confusing.  Sage Confuscious Caroline points out that the child is “screaming – screaming – for this to end.”

In other breaking news, the earth is round.

All of the adults are touched by Gia’s song.  Lebanese Dilbert tells her she’s a star.  Midge Joe tells her he’s so proud that she sings in public.  And Teresa tells her nothing to worry about!  She and Tio Joe perform their rendition of “We’re Family And We Love Each Other!” and it sucks.  They are not good actors.   Gia tells them they’re faking it and she can tell, then proceeds to pout with her cupcake.

Not buyin’ it.

Teresa runs around hysterically happy, telling everyone how much she loves everyone.  It’s very awkward.  And looking ahead, everyone starts musing on the upcoming trip to PC – Kat wonders if they will be able to rekindle times past while they’re there.

We can only hope…

The party ends with Milania forbidding anyone to eat her birthday cake, and then demanding to open presents.  I have to say I’m disappointed in the level of brattiness displayed here today.

A-right, a-right, ya got me.  It was a Valium in the Capri Sun.

Lebanese Dilbert tries to take a picture with the two Joes, and Brown Smurf is a predictable asshole about it.  And next week, Jersey hits the road!  Our housewives are Punta Cana bound, and that only means one thing – leopard print, fur, sequined bikinis!