RHONJ: TMI

Previously on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Dr. Bore-a bored NJ with some really thought out advice like “suck it up, wuss!” and “make up! You’ah fambly!”, Midget Joe and Tre met for lunch to butcher English and say “YOU AH!” a lot, and Smellissa cleaned out the lint trap to make a big coat for a big confrontation.

Have you guys noticed that the very end of the theme song sounds like that Jello commercial? J-E-L-L-O! Bill Cosby shouldn’t be in my head right now, but he is. Dammit.

Jell-o: the cure for bankruptcy, a family that hates you, and a husband on the way to prison. OK maybe not but still, yuummmmmmmm.

We open up with scary music. That must mean we’re about to be subjected to Juicy Joe walking around without his shirt off again. Come on! It’s the Lord’s day! Oh, wait. No. We’re starting where we left off last week. The Fight of the DoDos. Melissa is saying that Tre is full of poo when she says this is all about fambly, and she doesn’t see how they can make up after that disgusting Christening. Tre points out it was Mel’s midget throwing punches and crying like a little girl with a braid stuck in the school bus door, and Melissa has to think long and hard about how to respond. You can tell she’s thinking cuz her eyes roll back. Or that means she has epilepsy or something. I’m no doctor.

Let’s change the subject. I’m so on display right now.

Mel argues that Midge was so angry cuz they all hate each other but Teresa was faking it for the cameras and it was offensive. Shut up, Melissa. Everything’s faked on this show. Welcome to your new job. If I ever got into an argument with Melissa, I would just speak in a real snooty voice, not look her in the eye, and ask her too politely for an ice tea refill.

The fight turns to simple, stupid fambly issues. Juicy didn’t go see Mel’s son in the hospital! But he’s afraid of hospitals. Well, he missed one of the kids’ birthdays! He was working on a “business” deal. If your argument is “Juicy’s an asshole”, then you won before this even began. Unfortunately, none of us care. Is this all you heifers have to argue over? Let me help: Melissa, you’re a gold digging waitress who married a midget for cash, and Teresa, you’re an illiterate criminal with a Planet of the Apes forehead. Now let’s hug.

Tre says that the guys are always fighting about business and it has nothing to do with them. For example, last week Juicy clogged up the toilet again after a four hour trip to Great American Buffet, so they had to call the plumma. He came over and started showing Juicy all these unpaid bills of Midget’s. HAHAH! That’s pretty low to bring up on the air, and Melissa rolls her head and asks if she really wants to bring up money issues the same week Tre’s having to sell her Liberace knock off furniture out of her re-done house. Teresa is very calm and kinda confused. She’s never been talked to like this by a server.

Can I speak to ya managa?

 

Melissa aruges that it’s totally normal for plumbers to complain and gossip so what’s the big deal? Is that normal? I’ve never heard of a gossipy plumber. But I want one. Mel gets back on track. Juicy’s the one who owes the whole town money for one thing or another, and the last thing he said to Midge was “If you want your money, sue me for it.” We’re talking about one thousand dollars here. How rich are you guys, supposedly? And you’re fighting over a thousand dollars?

Teresa doesn’t wanna talk about their husbands, she wants to work it out between just the girls. The men are their own people and they’re both apparently ripping off half of NJ if you believe what you read, so what’s the point of trying to stand up for them when they can’t? Tre says that both she and Mel have done rude things to each other and she wants to move forward instead of wallowing around in a past she can barely keep straight in her squirrel brain. In the next sentence, she’s going straight to the past, saying that she treated Melissa like a sista at first and then after she snagged Midge, she wouldn’t return Tre’s calls and pushed her away. Mel says that she didn’t push her away, she ran like hell away from her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

But I’m the most lovingest person I ever seended.

Teresa says “naaaahhhh….”, like she’s waiting for Mel to screech “just kiddin’!”. It never happens. Tre can’t come up with an argument against “you’re a scary bitch and you give me nightmares”, so she says “the wife makes it, and the wife breaks it,” whatever that means. Melissa agrees, and adds “but the sister can break it.” This is just unintelligible enough to be a Gorga original. Text those words to the twenty two year old, stat. This would be way more entertaining sung off key by Melissa in a bikini with her muffin top hanging over.

Melissa tells us that she first knew something was off when she sent the family Christmas card out and got a call from Tre bitching that she used the same kid photographer as she used for Gia. She said that she paid a lot of money for those pictures and didn’t wanna see the same one in every house in Jersey. Hilarious. So Melissa stole your photographer. You can’t just tell the whole town they can’t go to JC Penny’s Portrait Studio just cuz you did.

Teresa just wants to have a positive relationship and put the past in the past. It takes two to make it better. Melissa says it’s sick that they’re kids can’t see each other. Teresa agrees says that needs to change. So Melissa whines that she didn’t grow up in an evil family and Teresa doesn’t even talk to her own cousin. Damn, Melissa. Why isn’t she bleeding yet? You guys, did Teresa get lobotomized in her time off? Cuz the old Teresa would have had this bitch’s head through a plate glass window five minutes ago. The new Stepford Teresa just lets that remark slide, and says she’ll deal with Kathy on her own time and she just wants for now to make things right with Mel. One episode for each separate relationship issue. It’s called maximizing air time.

Mel is kinda shocked that she’s not getting a fight after trying her damndest and laughs uncomfortably as Tre comes in for the hug. They promise to try and let bygones be bygones. BOOOOOOOOOOO! Two lame ass “fights” in two weeks. Let’s hope this cast gets back on the roids soon, cuz this is inexcusable. Please excuse me why I go stomp on snails, kick kittens, and push old ladies off the sidewalk.

Jacqueline stands in the kitchen with a proud smile on her face. Sure, her plan on an ape fight in her living room didn’t work out and now she won’t have insurance money to rebuild it, but she’s finally getting some time on air to do what she loves to do best: dress like she’s got a show on Telemundo and say nothing.

Melissa wants to believe Tre, but she can’t help but suspect this is all bullshit. Maybe it’s some big conspiracy to get Midge and Tre back together and send Melissa back to the restaurant biz. Just in case, she’s practicing her tray posture.

Is Mel gonna come over for Christmas? She rolls her eyes and says yes. Teresa now wants to work things out between Mel and her parents. “They’ah great people! Everyone should be lucky enough to have in laws like my parents!” Melissa rolls her eyes again and Tre tells her to cut the crap and show the old people respect. Then spooky music plays and Tre tells us about their first Christmas Eve together…

It started out perfect. A fire was crackling, Christmas jingles were playing, cousins were slapping each other on the ass and spinning bottles. Then Midge got a call from some girl, and Melissa screamed at him and stormed out. He followed her, and they never returned. That was mom’s first taste of Melissa. Could be worse, but all of Teresa’s little stories about Melissa are adding up. Seeing Melissa roll her eyes and whine the whole time is just kinda proving that Tre isn’t exaggerating about what a piece of trash this hooker is. Again, I am siding with Teresa. Damn you Bravo. DAMN YOU.

Melissa says she has been nice to her mom in law and used to call her every day to ask her for recipes and she just can’t understand why the woman doesn’t like her. She probably thinks her husband married someone who can’t cook. Italian moms don’t trust bitches that can’t cook. Maybe call her every day and ask how she’s doing instead.

Jacqui is confused that they seem to be making up and then fighting again and then making up again. It’s called FAMBLY, Jacqu! What show have you been on? She comes in with cookies, which is the perfect excuse for Melissa to laugh fakely and get the hell away from LabotomTre. She whips out pictures of them when everything was peaceful and Midge and Tre had a normal, semi-incestuous creepy relationship instead of this toxic, semi-incestuous creepy relationship.

That pic was taken somewhere called Puta something. It figures these people would be vacationing on an island that means bitch in Spanish. Tre probably picked the destination just so she could keep asking her brother “ah you enjoyin’ Puta?” without getting slapped. The real story here is that this fight is killing Juicy inside. He’s gained a person since it all began.

Jacqui starts spewing some advice she heard on Dr. Bore-a. Basically, if you wanna fight, zip it. Um thanks. You’re super helpful, Jacqui. Now shhhhhh. Get back to staring at those cookies with longing and telling yourself fingernails taste better.

Teresa invites Mel to Jacqui’s holiday party, and then says all she wants is for Mel to show her love so she can show it in return. Mel says that’s all she’s ever wanted, and Tre gets offended at the suggestion that she never shows love. “I’m da most loving person dare is!” Jacqui tells her to quit while she’s ahead. LOL. Teresa uses the fact that she’s never fought with Jacqui as proof that she’s a good person, and Mel points out that it’s hard to fight with a lump of playdo. Don’t discount Jacqui. She’s punched her sister in law in the face. HAHAH I would pay good money to see that one. Now that they’re done, Jacqui offers wine. She would have given it to them before, but she was afraid they’d be mean drunks. They are mean drunks. That’s the point you dimwit! So this lame, uneventful fight was all your fault! BOOOOOOOOO

Caroline is visiting Albert at work, and asks him for his honest opinion about her first show on the radio. He says she sounded like she didn’t know what she was doing at first, but things improved when the donkey was brought in. Donkey’s NEVER hurt. Well, they never hurt ratings. I’m sure they physically hurt. You know what I mean.

She asks if he wants to go to the Catskills with the group and he’s like um no thnxratherdieorfish. He’s not gonna forget that babysitting “spank me Joey!” seasick Italian vacation from last year. Caroline doesn’t pressure him. She knows she’s in for a horrifying week and loves him enough to keep him away from it. Besides, she can think of it as a business trip. She needs practice on mentally unstable people, and there’s no better case study opportunity than a weekend locked in a cabin in the woods with Teresa and her ilk.

Jacqui and Chris get packed for the trip. She only wants a giant bottle of wine. Oh, Jacqui. You so wacqui. Chris isn’t taking any chances though. He’ll hang with Juicy and Tre for the weekend, but not without giant rifles. Wine and guns. See? We don’t need a Texas Housewives.

Jacqui no likey guns and says that she’s on her period, which is a dangerous time to give her the opportunity to get violent. She says she has a concerned look on her face, he just can’t tell cuz of the Botox. Botox can do good things for people, but it’s not a good look for Jacqui. It’s frozen her into a big sad frowny face.

Didn’t you hear me? You won the lottery! Ma’am? Ma’am? Are you ok?

Melissa is getting her daughter Antonia ready for a dance recital and telling us how brilliant her child is and she’s the youngest dancer evah and blahblahblah. You can tell this kid will never be a pro dancer cuz…

She’s eating. Get off the stage ya amateur!

One of her Witch Sisters is there, doing the old evil Queen from Snow White thing. When she asks who’s the fairest of them all, her reflection runs away crying.

Just once I’m gonna get this bitch to look me in the eye and stop throwing up.

 

Kathy’s going to be at the recital, and Mel even made an effort to invite her in laws! Aw! They didn’t call her back though. They smell a rat. Actually, the mom in law is at Teresa’s babysitting the kids because Teresa is too poor to hire a nanny. Witch Sister is disgusted by this news, and Mel points out that she is not too poor so she has a nanny, being not poor and all. Unlike Teresa. Who’s poor. Like, really poor. Did you know that Teresa’s poor and Melissa’s not? If you google “poor”, you’ll get pictures of of starving children in Africa. And Teresa.

The Witch Sisters’ secret debate trick. I bet you twenty bucks that the dad’s tombstone says “Stop rollin’ ya eyes at me, young ladies.”

So, Witch, how is your life? Your business? Your dried up unused vagina? No? Nothing about you? OK let’s get back to Melissa. She says that the convo with Tre was aggravating cuz she took all of Melissa’s arguments and used them against her. How could she say it’s all about fambly when she didn’t even call Melissa on her 30th birthday or have one of her kids call her? Witch Sister is furious to hear this news! Furious I tell you! I hope they get this moron more involved, cuz she’s not fambly and I’d love to see her stupid ass get crushed by a flying table more than anyone else on this show.

Jacqui and Chris arrive at Tre’s to go to the Catskills. If you hadn’t heard, Tre is poor now so she’s wearing mop shoes around the house so she doesn’t have to pay a maid. Cuz she’s…..yes. Poor.

In the car, Chris asks Juicy if he wants to taste his nuts. HAHAHAH. So dumb. He says no but Teresa will taste em. She says “they’ah smawl!” Next up: armpit farts. Can’t. Wait.

Who fahted?

Turns out Teresa has also invited Caroline’s kids, Juicy’s uncle and his brotha. With two toilets.

Kathy is using up her airtime this week to plug her nonexistent cook book again. She’s ready to start a dessert catering company! Rich thinks she should open up a restaurant. A dessert restaurant? HA. No, an Italian banquet hall! We can call it “Suck It, Caroline.” She agrees. I hope the food’s not as boring as these two are, cuz I’d love to see Caroline against some competition.

Tre and the gang arrive at the cabin, and wow. That’s a lot of funny accents in one place. The uncles are there, the parents, the nephews, the shop keepers, the newsboy, the guy who shovels the driveway…This is gonna be a paaartaaay. They even brought in Danielle for this one!

Prostitution hooah!

A dad not named Joe. Don’t trust him.

Frank has made “country pasta”, which means sauce and random dead animals from the forrest. It’s rude to ask what’s in it, and I really don’t wanna know anyway. No one cares, cuz they’re too busy playing with the guns. Let’s look at Juicy’s old bedroom set! He tells us it holds a lot of secrets. Burn the fucker then, cuz I don’t want to know any of them. I’d rather eat that country pasta crap that think of you doing stuff on that bed. Please God, deliver me from this episode.

More family starts piling in, and I’m already feeling sorry for the poor two toilets in this house. They’re gonna be choked to death. Teresa makes a toast to the “JewDice Country Club”.

I’ll bet the neighborhood plumba has a lot of dirt on these people.

Chris March is getting his own show! I love him cuz he’s big, he’s hilarious, he takes naps every hour, and he loves making skinny chicks look fat.

I’m in!

The crew sits around getting drunk on wine. YAY GUNS! Jacqui tells us Juicy’s wine tastes like fart, which is awesome because he and Tre are starting their own wine company. Kinda loving Jacqui today. They get drunker and drunker, and Tre slurs that she heard that Jacqui is “a betta blower” than she is. Jacqui confirms that she is good at giving head. Tre, who is a proper lady, says that she’s never sharing a glass with Jacqui again, then says that maybe tonight she’ll lick Juicy’s ass. “I meant cha face!” I stare down at my penis, but it’s so scared that it’s inverted itself into my stomach. Thanks, RHONJ. That’s gonna take forever to come out.

Wait. It’s not done. Tre says that Juicy calls her slut a lot while he’s banging her, and then she says she doesn’t wanna be called a slut and demands an apology for saying she can’t give head. He counters that at least he’s nice to her while he’s got his dick in her mouth. You guys. Penis. Crawling up the inside of my stomach. They decide to make pizzas, and after what we’ve just heard all I can imagine is Juicy working on Tre in the middle of the night. And now pizza’s ruined for me forever too. F this show.

We call this one “find da keys”.

They have a pizza showdown. Jacqui is making a giant calzone filled with nutella. And that’s why Jacqui will never have a diet book. Tre’s ingredients? “Love, spreadin’, pushin’…” and of course, cummin’.

Jacqui and Tre chill by the fire and J asks if Tre’s gonna invite Kathy to Christmas. Teresa tells us that she and Kathy stopped speaking when their fathers got into a fight over two hundred dollars. LOL. This family is wack. “Dat’s the way ya throw da ball. Dat’s da way the bawl bounces?” Teresa is so amused by her own ignorance that it’s almost cute. Almost. Right now she only cares about her brother. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It was burned down in a day though. Ah well. Season 4.

Kathy and Rich go look at restaurant spaces. The idea went from making a couple of desserts to opening a giant dinner theater Kathy can perform “Guys and Dolls” at every night.

She’s just gonna have to cut the song “Sue Me” so she doesn’t offend half her clientele.

Kathy is nervous to go into business with Rich and says that she doesn’t work for him at home and she’s sure as hell not gonna work for him outside the home. The first place is already a fully functioning restaurant. She thinks it’s too tacky and pizzeria-ish. Plus, it’s still an open, working restaurant. Rich says Kathy is a control freak but he’s learned to just say she’s right and get on with it. The second place is also tacky. Well, girl, you might have to change states if you’re gonna be that offended by tacky.

Let’s watch Tre and Juicy fuck! He’s wearing a vibrating cock ring. I’m not kidding. We watch them lie there in bed and hear “bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”. I just coughed and felt my penis in the back of my throat. That’s how far it’s inverted. It’s not fair that I’m the only grossed out one here.

You’re welcome.

x 2

So that’s the third housewife show that’s subjected us to cast member sex. The way to stop global warming is to decrease population, and we’re not China so mandatory abortions are out. Maybe this is the government’s kinder, gentler way of stopping Americans from having sex. Mind control through Bravo addiction. But if saving the world means watching Ramona singer poke her husband in her nightie, I say let’s just get some marshmallows and roast to death. Less painful. Even Uncle Demetri’s in on the sexy action today.

Teresa comes out in boots made out of Ewoks. Has this woman no decency? She shoots one of the rifles out into the woods and giggles. I don’t care if she shoots a kid, if it stops her from talking about tossing Juicy’s salad for five minutes.

Caroline is driving up the road with her sons and Doloris. She’s stressed about spending time cooped up with Teresa’s people and demands that her boys don’t shoot anything. They’re all kinda grossed out by the cabin and its cheap tin roof. HAHA. I’m sad Big Gay Greg isn’t here. If there’s a sex life I wanna hear about, it’s that one.

Hey Albie you JUST missed the bj showdown.

Caroline is freaking out about the guns shooting off and wants to get the hell out of there to find a CVS. HA. She tells the boys no quads cuz she had a friend in high school that got decapitated on a quad. I’m trying to envision how that would work, exactly. And they had quads when Caroline was a kid? She probably knew someone who fell off a horse or something. Tre says she needs to loosen up. Maybe you could show her the vibrating ring.

She asks Tre about the Mel showdown. Tre says they made up. Caroline pushes her for more info, and Tre admits that Melissa never really said sorry exactly, but she doesn’t care and now it’s a clean slate but Melissa’s an a hole. Caroline says she has 10 brothers and sisters and she understands hating your fambly, but it takes a village or something.

The girls go into town to shop. Jacqui wants to know why cows lie down. Caroline: “Cuz they’ah tired.” Jacqui, Jacqui, Jacqui. Put your fist in your mouth and shhhhh. Back at the ranch, Juicy is shooting watermelons. He’s got such a good shot that no one asks what that vibrating noise is. Chris takes some private time to ask if he’s putting Tre on a Christmas budget. Juice explains that they basically just buy a lot of stuff on credit cards and then ask the courts to allow them not to pay for said cards. Ah, America. “How can you put Tre on a budget?” Especially when she’s the only one making money.

The girls are having the same discussion in town. Tre says she’s got lists from her kids and she’s not going crazy spending, what with “the bad economy and all”. You single handedly caused the economy to crash in the first place, but no one’s impolite enough to say it. They walk into a country store and ask if they know where there’s a Versachees. The boys are on quads. Anyone else got their finger’s crossed for a decapitation?

Albie says he’s not very rugged. No one argues. His brother says mom is worried about nothing cuz Albie drives like a girl. HAHAHA. Over at Melissa’s, Midget Joe is all over Melissa trying to prove to us that he’s not a bottom. Not buying. Mel tells him that his parents are coming to the recital. That makes him horny. This has to be the most disturbing out of all the Housewives. Mel brings up her dead dad again, and Midge says he’s her dad and her lover now. I wish I was up in Heaven so I could pat Jesus’ head and coo “stop crying, Jesus. It’s ok. Shhh. They know not what they do.”

Back at the ranch, the pig gets cooked. Jacqui feels sorry for the pig cuz it’s got a stick in it’s ass. Speaking of…Caroline says that she understands Tre being crazy cuz she’s bankrupt. Not that it’s any of her business. That said, it would be nice if she had friends who could afford dinner and not serve her whole pigs. Chris asks if she wants a piece of ass. LOL. Then he taunts her with the pig head. It looks kinda like Albert, and watching her make out with it at the dinner table is just uncalled for.

Chris jokes with Juicy at dinner about the news that Midge and Melissa will be attending their Christmas party. Juice stutters uncomfortably for awhile, and Chris says if they fight he needs to promise to make it a good one. Juice jokes that it wouldn’t be a fight, he’d crush the fidge. He is gonna give him a wedgie. HA. Next up, Midge hears Melissa’s song for the first time.

At least the tits I bought her sound nice.

Now for a reminder of what a bitch time can be.

Jacqui and Juice have a split contest. She can do it, and he can too! He apologizes in advance for the inevitable fart. You guys were talking in comments about thinking there’s something incestuous with Tre and Midge and that’s where their tension comes from. I think the sexual tension is there, but it’s between Juice and Midge. Please don’t argue with me. It’s my dream. BACK OFF. Teresa takes the gang quad riding and promises to ride Juicy later. And then I made tiny cuts under my toe nails so no one will see them. And then I cried and rocked back and forth for a long time.

Holiday dance time! Mel, Kathy and their families go to see Antonia do her thing. Mel warns Kathy that her mother in law is coming, and Kathy says that she’ll be respectful even though she wants her dead. The last time they saw each other, her aunt told her to be nice to Teresa. HA. She says she doesn’t get caught up in this petty bullshit. Any more? Is that a new thing? You guys watch your own show, right? She gives Auntie an icy kiss. Lamest tension ever.

Midge dances with her mom, and Mel says that the absence of Teresa makes their relationship better. Then he almost drops Mom on the floor. Show time! Some Indian music plays and these teenage studs carry a big lady around. It’s bizarre. Then an old lady comes out and dirty dances. Midge tries to cover his eyes, but he’s too dumb to pull it off.

I can still see it!

Antonia’s dance is basically her jumping around and then getting swung around by some seven foot tall dude. How much did those lessons cost? This song should be called “Creepy White Van”. It was uncomfie. Have I mentioned how happy I am that this episode is super sized?

We see Mom in Law being sweet and smiling and laughing while Melissa tells us that she’s going to be nice no matter what crap she has to put up with. What crap are you talking about? Cuz you look like a spoiled bitch trying to start shit with an old lady.

Back in the Catskills, the gang goes to a bar and gets wasted. Tre has on her mop shoes in case Juice runs out on the bill again. They all do shots and try to fix Doloris up with hot guys. One of them is magic.

Speaking of guys with balls in their mouth…

Albie’s having fun too.

Tre starts flirting with ugly dudes and has a contest to try and get Doloris laid. She takes the mic and squeals “Ah there any edible,…elgibijul, jelidigle, ….single guys?” They have to come up with the best pickup line. One is “Doloris, if a saws yous at da dentist, I would melt like buttah!” Um….why the dentist? I don’t know. Why I am I still writing shit down? That’s the real question. Tre says the guys in Jersey are hot and muscular and she’s super shallow so none of these dudes are doing it for her. Hopefully she can find a guy who breathes out of his mouth and has giant hairy man boobs.

Done.

The next morning, Teresa makes her hungover friends watch her squeal and shoot more stuff. Caroline is having a lot of fun.

Tre has a chapel at the end of the road. Her own. It was built for Saint Michael, who’s “da biggest saint in Italy.” So we’ve gone from a vibrating Juicy to a salad tossing Tre to a vacuum cleaner throated Jacqui to twenty Italians and two toilets to pig slaughter to Teresa’s own personal church. As she thanks the Lord for her friends (who are currently laughing openly at her stupid ass), I thank the Lord for saline solution. I’m gonna need it to clean the blood out of my eyes.

Next week, a visit from bottom feeding Kim D and Midge finds another reason to dress in drag. See you then!