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Monday, June 6, 2011
8:52 pm
31 Comments
Previously on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Caroline wondered aloud why her poor unwanted daughter’s schlubby boyfriend wouldn’t marry her…
Ain’tcha supposed to offer me a goat first or some shit?
I’m offering you a cow, you fat bastad.
…Assleigh put giant stripper eyelashes on her giant butt face and cried about having to commute to her non paying job with a homicidal PR chick…
Grubman won’t respect me til I run someone ovah and I can’t run someone ovah on public transpatashun MOTHA!
…and Teresa tried to write words down on paper after admitting to the world that her favorite ingredientses is cummin’. Trying to read this letter was the highlight of my week.
pont sit for mr fur our children
We open this week with Melissa Gorgaoyle and Midget Joe buying stuff for Thanksgiving when they run into Assleigh.
If I don’t get an apatment and a cah then juss fuckin’ kill me and serve me fa dinna!
Assleigh’s not moving, and the Gorgaoyle’s tell the kids that she’s just sleeping.
No I ain’t! This town is sleepin’! Move me to the ciiiitttyyywaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
They move onto the ham, and they choose “da butt”. Midge is all excited to play with some ass. Yeah we get it, Midge. You’re big and strong and heterosexual. He tells the butcher “I’m an ass man”, which just confirmed everything the butcher ever thought about the guy.
Me too, jefe. I’m off at six.
Melissa always has Thanksgiving with her witch sisters, her aunts and uncles, and Kathy and this year will be no different. No JewDices! Then who’s Midge gonna punch? Time will tell! For now, he’s walking around the store grabbing everything he can, acting like a kid. His kid is walking around the store acting like his father. It’s like Freaky Friday, Jersey style.
Listen heah ya dumb bitch Sara Lee. You betta have dinna on da table when I come home from woik! And don’t gimme smack WOMAN.
On the way out, Midge jokes with the cashier about how where he comes from, the man don’t have ta do da cookin. That’s da woman’s job! I don’t know that I will ever get used to this douchebag, and it really kills me that I still fantasize about him naked. Let’s take a breather, k?
Juicy and Teresa are going to a turkey farm, and Teresa is disgusted that they’re about to have a turkey killed. “So this is a European thing?” Yes, Teresa. Like bidets. Juicy explains that “Turkey idn’t even an Italian holiday.” It’s not an American holiday either, but well done I guess. He gets annoyed at Teresa’s driving, but he should really be mad at Jesus.
Could you die for mankind somewhere else, please? We’re tryin’ to find turkeys to behead.
Teresa’s already had a pre T day with her parents, then she had one with Juicy’s parents, and now she’s having one with Caroline, Jacqui et all. I find it hilarious that she’s already had two Thanksgivings this year and still doesn’t know what it’s about. We found some land inhabited by Indians, so we gave them turkey to make them tired enough to accept our trick blankets covered in small pox. Duh!
Kathy’s at home trying to teach her kids how to bake, and says she’s a pro without any formal training. I love when people brag about not learning stuff like it’s a skill. Rich asks if Teresa’s gonna show up for T day, and she says no. He (and America) is disappointed that there won’t be a brawl. She tells us that she never spends T Day with the JewDices, but there was a time their families spent the holiday together in the Dominican Republic and she wishes they could do that again. Foreshadowing! One thing we learned from that story is that Teresa made Juicy really fat.
Skinny Italian isn’t just a book title, it’s a memory of better times.
Kathy burned some muffins. And without any formal training in burning stuff. YAYOU! She is stressed because of her convo with Caroline. She doesn’t have a reputation as a troublemaker and she wants to keep it that way. Then you might wanna stop calling people bad mothers at fashion shows. Just a suggestion, not a correction. She’s flustered, and Rich says he knows now where Teresa gets her attitude from. But where does she get her forehead from?
Oh yeah.
Back in the JewDice SUV, it’s tense. Cuz Teresa’s a bad driver and because the car could be repossessed at any moment. They show up at some dumpy joint with rotisserie chickens, and the guys who work there start talking to them like madams at a brothel.
Juicy looks like he’s gonna beat the hicks up.
You kiss ya mudda wit dat mouf?
He decides to meet the turkeys, and Teresa is grossed out by the smell of poo and impending death in the air. Hick assures her that the turkey isn’t scared. “They don’t know what’s happening.” She doesn’t believe it. They probably have a secret language and warn each other “you’re next!” HAHAHA. I think she’s right. This turkey looks like he knows exactly what’s in store for him.
In about twelve hours, I’m gonna be coming out that scary guys butt. HEEEELP!!!
Juicy and Tre decide that they can’t kill something after knowing it, but they’ll buy one that’s already dead. Killing stuff is fine if someone else does it for you. How mafia of them. It’s time to pay, and it’s like a really bad first date. They just stare at each other and wait to see a wallet pulled out. Neither budges. Juicy finally offers a credit card, but Teresa is afraid that everyone in town knows them and these hicks will kill them if they try to get their turkey bill swept away with a bankruptcy declaration, so she tells him to whip out some of his cash allowance. Smart move.
Caroline, Albert and Lauren are on their way to meet Vito the Cheeto’s parents at their deli. Lauren yawns “it’ll be interesting.” Way to sell it, Lauren. Caroline waves her off. “It’s not a summit!” She just plans on going in, saying “Hey! What’s up? Nice deli!” I don’t know why that made me laugh so hard, but it did. Albert wants to know why they have to drive out to the middle of the woods to meet these freaks, and Lauren explains that they live up here cuz they’re from Sicily. Huh? Sicilians have to live in the woods? How does anyone on this show understand each other? It’s like the turkey language. Albert jokes that the parents being from Sicily changes everything. “No wonder they work with knives all day.” HAHA.
They drive up to a tiny deli in a strip mall. They really wanna get rid of Lauren. Damn! Aim a little higher people. I’m surprised they didn’t just open the passenger door and push her out once they hit the woods. Albert teases her that she’s gonna be really happy out here in the middle of hell and can even let her mustache grow out. LOL loving him. The parents are sweet, and the brother is creepy.
Yeah I’ll make yous a sandwich. You da meat.
The moms joke and make nice while Albert texts HELP to every number in his phone book. Caroline says that when she first saw the kids together she said “Look! It’s your husband!” to Lauren. I have a feeling she was being rude. Like, when I pass homeless dudes swatting at the air, I tell my friends “look! It’s your husband!” Her joke turned into reality, though, and she’s just happy to almost have her non penis equipped spawn out of her face.
Lauren even gets to put on an apron and work behind the counter! Every girl’s dream. Cheeto’s mom jokes “I’ll hold the Chanel!” and her husband says “Don’t get used to that, babe.” Lauren, I know that your parents won’t ever tell you this so I hope you can hear me through the TV: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!
God I hope you’re using protection.
After badly slicing some prosciutto, Lauren tells her future ex mother in law that her daddy always called her a princess and said she would never have to work. Future Ex In Law laughs “well, that’s over.” Caroline finally looks uncomfortable. She’s already supporting her two loser sons. Albert makes conversation with the Future Ex Father in Law. He got into the catering business cuz his dad owned it and they were poor when he was a kid. Well, compared to how rich they are now. He feels sorry for rich people, cuz they don’t know how to be poor! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! This isn’t going well. You’re not supposed to call poor people poor, man!
The mom isn’t looking too happy, but Albert’s too busy scarfing down the free ham and insulting the family to notice. He continues that he’s not worried about the kids, they’ll figure it out. Lauren has the best instincts out of all the kids. After all, she’s dating a guy that was so smart in college that he ended up slicing meat. Wow. I will watch this show until it’s cancelled, just to see these two families brawl at Thanksgiving in a few years.
Speaking of the loser Manzo sons, let’s check in on them! You know how when you move into a new place you feel all excited to change your life for the better and work out and stuff? Yeah…Christopher’s not feeling that.
The boys manufacture some bad comedy while Big Gay Greg cleans the toilet. Assleigh comes over to visit. She immediately starts bitching that her parents won’t get her an apartment, and Chris makes fun of her for being a wuss. Albie tells her that if she got a place in the city she’d be back in a second cuz she’s broke. For now she should make an effort to not be an ass in front of her parents so they’ll loosen up those purse strings. And please, PUT ON SOME MAKEUP.
You need to build a solid foundation before you move to the big city.
Much better. Stay like that.
Meanwhile, Big Gay Greg is sitting in the corner with his purse dog rolling his eyes and keeping it all inside.
You’re gonna have to up your game if you’re gonna be the new housewife, hon. Hit her!
Over at Jacqui’s, a mystery is unfolding. Assleigh’s not in her room…and it’s CLEAN! And who cleaned the kitchen?!? Jacqui asks if the boys talked to her yet, and Chris is like “um, duh.” No one knows how to charm parents into forking over cash like those two. Assleigh comes in and Chris tells her that he’s shocked that she cleaned the kitchen and not only walked around, but took the dog too. Jacqui and Chris aren’t buying it, and Jacq asks “what do you want?” HAHAH. Assleigh claims that she gave up her big city dreams and just wants to be a better person. She’s even wearing makeup! “I just wanted to be Carrie Bradshaw.” Hairy Sadshaw.
No Sex and the Pity
Jacqui assures her that she’ll feel amazing when she earns stuff herself. Or finds a rich guy. Assleigh can do that…when her dad buys her a car. HAHAH! You’ve got to respect her determination. Determination to do nothing, but still. It’s a start.
Teresa’s getting Thanksgiving dinner ready over at her place. Her kids are throwing shit everywhere and acting like monkey spawn, and it’s just now “darning” on Teresa that Midget Joe never wrote her back. Concentrate on the food. Since Turkey is a European holiday, she decides to celebrate by bideting her turkey.
No one likes a dirty dead girl.
The kids are fighting over a tablecloth, and Tre explains that Turkey is about giving thanks and not perfection and materialistic things like eleven million dollars of other people’s money. What does Mommy always say? “Not my fuckin fault!” No, Gia. The other thing. “I want my kids to be perfect.” Oh, yeah. Well, not today…? Let’s change the subject.
Juicy would be helping out, but he’s busy coming up with a plan to pay back his debt and right his family’s reputation and not live off his wife’s income until he dies.
Classical music starts playing, and we go to Melissa’s classy house. Her witch sisters are over to help her put on her fur apron. It could be the product of animal abuse, or it could be made from the hair she shaves of Midge’s body every morning. It’s not explained.
The witch hag sisters dote on Melissa, and that’s how she likes it. They probably secretly hate her ass. There might be a brawl after all! The guys are pouring tequila shots. Melissa explains that in the Italian culture, the women are “genuinely” in the kitchen cooking while the guys speak broken English to each other and drunkenly pat each other on the asses. “The men just sit around, like, where’s my food, bitch?” HA. Shots of the men sleeping on couches. What’s the point of immigrating to America if you’re not gonna learn to emasculate your men? If you’re not gonna be an American, go home. We got over this shit a long time ago. Men and women are equally miserable here, capiche?
The witch sisters are really playing it up for the cameras. They’re like featured extras in a bad dinner theater musical. Just mouth “watermelonwatermelonwatermelon” to each other and fade into the background, ya skanks! Kathy arrives, and she’s super nervous about how her dessert’s gonna go over. She gives a long speech about how important the art of baking is to her. Uh huh. I guess she’ll be competing with Teresa in the cookbook department pretty soon. What’s the point of being on this damn show if you don’t have something to sell? She does seem to be good at what she does. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bunt cake shaped like a hemorrhoid before.
She made like thirty kinds of desserts. Jesus woman. Cookbook. Mark my words. The guests have all arrived, and Midget Joe has a surprise for Melissa! A mechanical bull! Um…thanks? He gets tossed around like a wet noodle, and as I mutter “just how he likes it”, he shouts “just how my wife likes it!” Well at least I didn’t say it in front of kids. Rich is next, and he puts on a gimp mask. He makes it about a second and ends up on his back. I could say “just how Midge likes it”, but that’s pretty old already, no?
Kathy’s up next, then Melissa. Midge gets on with her to grind his hips and make out with her. I find myself wondering if anything exciting will happen on this show again. This party is making Teresa’s look classy. Oh wait. She’s having Kim D over. Never mind! Teresa squeal whines in disappointment/glee over the cookies Jacqui brings, and Jacq tells us that Teresa keeps it together pretty well for a broke ass bitch. Her dessert spread? Needs Kathy. Might be the best thing to come out of a make up session.
Sad horns
Teresa makes a toast about not having a family that can stand her, so thanks for being here! She cries and everyone assures her that it’s gonna be ok. As long as they don’t ask her for a loan. Tre tells them about the turkey farm, and Juicy says “it was the most disgustingest thing ever.” Did that need to be typed? No, but I feel like I have to point out all the bad English. I’m a tattle tale.
The classical music is back, which means that we’re back with the Gorgaoyles. Melissa is saying grace. This should be good. I don’t know that God’s been thanked enough for leopard print, spandex and Aqua Net. Cholas aren’t the praying type.
Midge liked her prayer so much that he wants to bang her. Sit down, butch. Wanna watch a bunch of people eat? Me neither. I can’t FF though, cuz Rich is suggesting that Midge call Teresa over for dessert. Melissa tells us that Midge is super sensitive and has very deep feelings. Uh huh. So does Teresa. She’s screaming at one of her brats for punching her sister in the face. HAHAHAHAH. Milania’s asking Cheeto when he’s gonna marry Lauren, and he says when the slut learns to use a meat slicer and stop embarrassing him in front of his parents.
Caroline joins in on the fun and asks when the proposal is coming. Lauren says Cheeto’s gonna have to get on his knee. But how will he get back up? He doesn’t seem like the squatting type.
He’s a deli worker. I don’t think that job comes with healthcare. Let him just stand.
He’ll also have to ask Albert first for permission, which I imagine wouldn’t be too hard to get. Just promise to keep her ass out there in the middle of nowhere so her mother can have some peace and we gotta deal. Teresa says that Juicy had to ask her parents first too, which goes to show that parents know nothing. Why bother asking? I guess so you can blame them when your husband turns out to be crooked and lazy. No offense.
Jacqui brings up the letter, and Teresa says she hasn’t heard anything from Midge. Midge is talking about the letter too, and she says that Teresa apologized for whatever unspecified thing she might have done. Teresa knows what she did! It’s in her heart! Midge goes on about how important family is and says he feels lost. Kathy is crying because she is worried that this might happen to her kids. They seem super nice and un-ape like, so I wouldn’t worry. Well, I wouldn’t worry about them fighting. Your son collects weapons so maybe watch him.
Back at the non classy party, Juicy is going off on what an ungrateful, disrespectful brat Midge is to Teresa. Teresa even gave that brat money when he needed it! Whose money? No one knows. Teresa flashes back to her housewarming. Remember how she told everyone Midge was gorgeous? And he didn’t even have plugs back then!
Memba how she told everyone they were like twins, and Juicy said he would only do her from behind from now on? And how Midge offered to make out with Juicy? Aw, memories! Teresa pulls out a card from Melissa. Juicy starts attacking, saying it probably cost two cents and came outta da computer. Neither of which he has. Jeal? Juice doesn’t even wanna hear it and asks Tre for some cookies. She smacks him so hard that Caroline spills soup down the front of her dress. Man, Caroline is gonna beat Teresa’s ass this season, and I can’t wait. Jacqui is so excited to see the card that she bangs her baby’s head on the table. Everyone laughs. The more you get banged on the head as a kid, the better you fit in with these people during holiday dinners.
So Melissa gave Teresa this card at her housewarming, and it said “Congrats on your re done house.” I am having trouble figuring out why this is so offensive, and Caroline explains that the house was gutted and completely rebuilt, so Melissa was making a petty play on words and it was offensive. But…the house was redone, no? I guess more than an average remodel, but ??? It’s not like anyone here has a poetic grasp on the English language. Maybe she was just trying to be nice? I would be more offended that her husband tried to make out with Juicy.
Juicy, the arbiter of class, says the card is from a classless human being. Teresa says the old Teresa would have bitch slapped her, but the new Teresa just wants to borrow twenty bucks. The word “redone” is very offensive, apparently. To get her back, when Melissa brought over sprinkle cookies at Christmas, Teresa told her “no one touched your cookies so I threw them in the garbage.” There’s an awkward pause as everyone tries to change gears from the whole “Teresa’s a victim” plot.
Caroline asks if that was nice, and Teresa says that she was trying to get her back without cursing. “Get it?”
I think that’s a no.
Teresa told Melissa her favorite cookies are pignoli cookies. Caroline isn’t liking this. Melissa is telling the cookie story too, and everyone is laughing at what a dumb bitch Tre is. She says that throwing a pregnant woman’s cookies in the garbage isn’t a diss, it’s just plain stupid. Especially since Juicy probably ate them out of the trash and then kissed Tre later.
The guys try to change the convo to cookies in general, but Caroline gets pissed and shouts them all down. She doesn’t wanna talk cookies! Tre should have just said that she had hurt feelings. But that would have caused a fight! Caroline is gonna cut Tre or herself. DO IT!
Melissa is telling Midge that she is willing to forgive Teresa and start with a clean slate, and if he forgives her too then it will all be water under the bridge and they can hate Teresa for new stuff that she does instead of living in the past. Midge is tempted…and then a brother in law starts slurring about how one of his brothers died so they should make up. That’s sad! Did you ever throw away his wife’s cookies? Shhh. Have some tequila.
The classy party is all teary eyed and ready for peace. Melissa says that she’ll do whatever it takes for Midge to get his family back because it might get him out of the house once in awhile instead of chasing her around for sex. Also, her dad died when she was a teenager and she knows what missing your family is like. AWWWW! For reals aw. Damn this show for making me feel things. The only thing that will make me feel better is a picture of some really terrible offensive hair.
Healed!
All Mel ever wanted was for a man to take care of her like her dad, and now she has Midge. She says that if Midge doesn’t talk to Tre she will. Midge promises to call his sister. YAAAY! DO IT NOW! Something violent has to happen tonight! No? Oh. OK then. I’ll just…be glad this is over then? Yeah. Let’s go with that.
Next week, Kathy’s kid comes out as an alcoholic, Caroline becomes Dr. Bore-a, and Juicy takes a nap. I’ll be out of town for that one, but TheCzar will be here taking care of all your Jersey needs. Check her out on The Voice, and if you guys wanna waste some time gossiping about these hookers during the week, come by the facebook page! xo
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31 Comments
Flip, I understand. Sometimes the cockiest, most arrogant bastards are the sexiest. Horizontal, they’re fine. Vertical…fuhgeduboudit.
Expect Kathy’s Italian pastry cookbook to hit stores in 3, 2, 1….
“How does anyone on this show understand each other?”
They don’t. That is why they scream and throw punches.
Okay, finished reading. Great recap! I see we agree on Kathy’s cookbook aspirations. 80% of her scenes involve cooking so it’s only just a matter of time. After all, isn’t that part of the Housewives formula? A cookbook, a singer (Melissa), and someone with a non-existent real estate career? (Caroline, I’m looking at you.) Don’t forget bankruptcy and foreclosure! Wait, why isn’t anyone homeless yet? Sure, Danielle had to sell her house but she’s no longer on the show. If it’s the third season in NJ and folks are still living in the same house then Houston, we have a problem. The JewDices are broke but get to keep their house, Chris Laurita filed for bankruptcy yet kept his house…what. is. the. deal?
I tell you what. I’m moving to Jersey! In the OC, bitches get evicted. In Atlanta, bitches get evicted. In NYC, bitches get divorced and evicted. But in Jersey..bitches can owe $11 million dollars and still live in a marble mausoleum. WINNING!
Living in a latino community, I am only 7 blocks from a local Vivero. Live chickens, turkeys and rabbits are available for purchase. Buy one for dinner, headless and skinned, or select a live one for all your Santeria sacrificing needs. I love getting off the train and occasionally seeing a few escapees, pecking at the ground, bewildered by the traffic. I almost want to shoo them back inside to safety. Almost. Maybe death by car is a lot more dignified than having ones throat slit in the company of their equals. And by equals, I mean Joe and Teresa Giudice.
“Redone house.” HAHAHAHA!! Melissa is such. a. bitch. Remember when Teresa said she would never live in someone else’s house because it was ‘skeevy?’ And not ‘cleansy’ enough for her? She led us to believe that her house was built from scratch and Melissa let it be known, in a Just For Laughs card, that the house wasn’t new but ‘redone.’ Ha! But was it cleansy?
Did you also laugh when Teresa asked if she and her brother looked like twins and Melissa yelled, “No!” I loved it. It seemed more like Teresa and Bro Joe were close while their wife/hisband hated their spouses’ siblings. Melissa hates Teresa. Joe hates Fidget. Maybe Melissa and Joe are really jealous of the closeness of Tre and Fidget and will do anything to tear them apart. Incest is only cool when you’re single and desperate. After marriage, it’s just declasse.
How funny was it when Teresa told the story about tossing Melissa’s cookies(!), specifying that they were ‘sprinkle cookies’, the exact kind that Jaqui brought her for Thanksgiving dinner? “I only like pignoli cookies,” Teresa’s huffs, kissing up to Caroline, who is throwing eye daggers Teresa’s way. So does that mean Jaqui’s cookies will end up in the garbage as well? Or was Teresa’s dinner so meager that any dessert offering will not go wasted? (Especially since Milania stuck her dirty fingernails into everything sugary, ensuring that the gifted cookies were the only things edible and germ free.)
Doesn’t Gabriella look like Albie? No? Look again.
Oh Lordy, that was funny! While watching the episode I kept thinking, “ooh, I wonder what flip is going to say about this”, or “I bet he’ll say this…” and my guesses in most cases were way off–yours were so much funnier (so I am glad it is you writing them).
I just want to point out two things:
1) I loved when Melissa said that Midge has such a tough exterior/thick skin all the time, and so you wouldn’t know it just from looking at him, but he is really very sensitive inside.
Well let me tell you, it is a very good thing indeed that Melissa took that moment out of her life to tell us this, because without that insider information anyone watching the show might have confused bitchy midge for A Not Very Tall Stoic Man With Great Inner Strength. As far as calling him ‘sensitive’–umm, ooookayyyyy, sure, we can call it sensitive if she wants. Me, I prefer to call him the crazy pussy guy, but whatever.
2) When Midge pointed to his heart, he meant that if Teresa doesn’t know what she did wrong (after Rich asked him whether he thinks Teresa knows what it was she did wrong), Midge says that if she doesn’t know, he can’t explain it to her, because it’s a feeling–it’s there in his heart (heart tap). I think he means that she hurt his feelings? but asking someone to understand you based on a crazy look in your eyes (which always looks crazy, by the way), or because your heart hurts inside is just b*s*–that guy is nuts.
Also, the Sister Spook’s hubbies are odd. That blond Joe seems like he would be happier being married to a man, rather than the harpie. That whole scene of brother-in-law inspired ‘what’s inside of you is inside of me bro-love/we are your real family (which none of the men said to each other on Teresa’s side of the fence, thank g-d)’ is a little heavy to take just a scene or two after watching midge publicly mauling his wife on a machanical f/bucking bronto. Melissa didn’t seem to enjoy it much, so at least somebody got to be turned on by it.
And I think that Rich is just waayyyy to fascinated with Teresa. I have thought this EVERY episode, he always brings her up in every conversation (even if he is saying shit about her), and the hungry way he listens for news about her creeps me out.
Teresa walking around in her house looked painful–physically, every step looked like her feet were killing her. Put on a damn pair of slippers woman! And cover your bra strap!
Also, immediately demanding a child to apologize after smacking someone else in the face out of anger will usually not get very sincere results. Teresa brags about not having a cleaning lady, help with the kids, and cooking everything herself. Well good for you Teresa! Meanwhile, your kid is left unsupervised, stuck her fingers in everything, got hyped up on sugar, was left to run around wild (like always) and starts hitting when she can no longer communicate with words (hmmm, who else does that sound like?). When Teresa’s kids started bawling at the Christening and Kathy was horrified over that, I barely blinked–I mean her kids are ALWAYS bawling, it is their general state of being.
And Melissa claiming that Joe and Teresa danced with her baby for an hour on the dance floor? Sorry, I don’t buy it, it looks like Joe has enough trouble breathing lying down–actively standing and holding Teresa close with a baby they are not responsible for clutched awkwardly between them? Nope, don’t buy it. They rocked back and forth holding the baby and looking lovingly into each others eyes just long enough for the photo op. Nobody with a bunch of their own babies stands holding another person’s baby for an hour in an uncomfortable position, wearing uncomfortable shoes, and suffering from the runs–despite how juicy and loving they may be.
Wait… didn’t Jacqui bring the same cookies that she was bitching about her SIL bringing? AW.KWARD
“She smacks him so hard that Caroline spills soup down the front of her dress. Man, Caroline is gonna beat Teresa’s ass this season, and I can’t wait. Jacqui is so excited to see the card that she bangs her baby’s head on the table. Everyone laughs.”
Oh Lord I had to step away from the computer I was laughing so hard. If you hadn’t watched this episode, you would think all that was made up, but it all actually happened, bwaahaahaa.
I love listening to these idiots speak. Every time they say something wrong I repeat it loudly at my tv (“GENUINELY”??) I have no idea why, I guess I just like feeling superior.
“redone house” WAS a pretty b*tchy thing to write!! I think Melissa learned to be a bitch from the best there on the Shore! But the fact that Teresa saved the card is even weirder. Just toss the stupid thing and move on. I hope they get some resolution on their fued soon b/c I can’t watch this same story line for much longer. Why don’t the parents have Ter and MidgeJoe over, and tie them each to a chair until they talk it out? It’s probably about the only thing that would work with those two.
I thought Jac brought sprinkle cookies too, but then I thought I was confused b/c why would Ter tell that story?? And there’s NO WAY that she doesn’t have a house cleaner. It would be more than a full time job to keep that mausoleum clean.
Thanks for the fast recap, Flipit. Awesome as always! Teresa was on fire last night. She’s a total moron but she just kept on bringing the laughs. I really don’t know what this show would be like without her. I like my housewives funny and stupid, not sad and bitter. I couldn’t stand the first season of RHONJ, skipped the second season but I’m hooked now. This blows RHOC out of the water.
Had to go back and read the tags. “Violent mumbling”, lol. You and J-Mo put your best stuff in the tags, I swear.
I was hoping for a shot of the back of Teresa’s Thanksgiving day shirt. Was was going on there? I am suffering thru these mediocre episodes just waiting for the big showdown between Teresa and Caroline! It better be epic!
So embarrassed that I didn’t mention j’s sprinkle cookies! Thanks for reading and commenting you guys!
Great recap Flip! But it wasn’t Milanina that asked Cheeto about marrying Lauren, that was Gia. Milania was off smaking Gabby in the face! It is apparent that Milania got Tre’s violent side!!
I feel so sorry for Lauren. I think that Vito will take care of her! Yes he is a college grad. Looks like he couldn’t find a job in his field, so he has to work 2 jobs. One at the Brownstone and the other at the family busniness. I don’t see why Caroline and Albert are making such a big deal about it, one of their looser sons used to work for them as well. Isn’t mommy and daddy footing the bill for thier apartment?
As for Assley, Why is Chirs buying her another car? I thought that He had already bought her a car? Then didn’t he give it to Jaqui?
I had trouble getting past page 1. I’m in now and I’ll keep going… be back later.
I don’t think Chris bought Ashley a car. He probably leased it for 12 or 24 months and that time ran out.
I love how self-righteous the Manzo boys are. Critterfur telling Ashley that millions of people commute to NYC daily. All while sitting in a Hoboken apt that is a quick hop to NYC via watertaxi. Direct route. Meanwhile, Ashley is in the suburban booties and it’s no direct trip for her. Most people from those neighborhoods have cars that they at least drive to the train station or ferries. Not that I’m defending Ashley but is Critterfur commuting to a job? Nope.
Then there’s Albie. Failed law school, has never held a job, and is looking down on Vito for working in his family’s deli. Uh, at least Vito has a job. At least he can support the family business that paid for his education, unlike Albie who turns his nose up at working at the Brownstone. If I were Albert I would make them all work at the 8rownstone, as I payback for their costly upbringing, the least they can offer their dad is 2 years or indentured servitude. Ungrateful bastahds!
But let’s be real…Bravo is paying for that apt. Expect a Manzo spinoff in 3, 2, …
Good Gawd! Not a Manzo spinoff! Who the F cares about those entitled kids with the beyotch of a mother? Not unless it’s about Albie coming out of the closet and Caroline having trouble dealing with it. Then I might have to put the first episode on while I was cleaning litterboxes or something.
An Albie spin-off could really bring a lot of attention to the plight of the developmentally delayed. I mean, look how Albie is thriving despite his disability!
When Assley gets married, you know she’s going to be on Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss. (I can’t even say Big Bliss with a straight face. You try it. See?)
@NWMTV, I can’t even *read* Big Bliss with a straight face!
So, I did some looking around to see if my suspicions were correct and ding! ding! ding! We have a winner. Or two losers. And a gay sidekick.
Turns out Albie and Chris will be getting their own show! But guess what? It won’t be on Bravo! Where will it premiere you ask? Well, where do low budget productions go to die? The internet, of course!
The show will be a web only series called “Boys to Manzo” (gag me with a spoon), and will feature all of their antics as single men no longer under Big Mama’s thumb. I suspect they are giving us this budding storyline on RHNJ in hopes of building interest in the show when it airs. But, seriously..what would make this show interesting? Caroline making cameos each episode where she breezes into the apartment, sweeps the floors, cooks dinner, and addresses herself in the third person? “Listen to Mommy. Mommy loves you, Critterfur.” No thanks.
Anyone thinks Vito should feel jilted because he was Albie’s best friend in college and is now Lauren’s bf, so should have also been invited to move in for the show? Or is he happy slicing meat at his dad’s deli?
http://crushable.com/entertainment/real-housewives-of-new-jersey-sons-albie-and-chris-manzo-get-their-own-spinoff/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+b5media%2FGilmoreGirlsNews+%28Gilmore+Girls+News%29
And for something equally ridiculous..Albie is endorsing a new product. Black water. (Someone get BP’s publicist on the phone. I found a new way to spin this.)
http://crushable.com/entertainment/real-housewives-of-new-jersey-son-albie-manzo-wants-to-sell-you-water-bottles/
What is the world coming to?? He says the water is black b/c it has acid in it?? And we’re supposed to buy this?? And sorry Manzo boys, it isn’t a “show” unless it’s on TV!
Thanks for the links, Sarcas!!
You’re welcome, Jazzy!
That black water sounds like a weapon. I’d keep a spray bottle of it in my glove compartment and splash would-be carjackers like mace. Or, I’d sprinkle it over my lawn and hope it kills the weeds.
So I have a slightly OT work story, but it’s appropriate, and I had to share the … delight with understanding people.
So I’m at work last night, at my temporary hostessing gig, and the RH shows come up (it started when my boss brought up Kelsey Grammar). So my fellow hostess starts in on how beautiful she thinks Camille is, and how her favorite housewife of all is … wait for it… TERESA. No shit. My coworker loves this girl. She thinks Teresa is funny and sweet, and actually said out loud that if she were rich, she would totally donate money to Teresa to help her through her financial troubles. My coworker didn’t seem to understand why I was trying to explain what bankruptcy and “living beyond ones means” were to her.
I’m really glad that this is just a summer job for me before I go back off to school, but I’m appreciating the insight into what kind of person actually thinks these women are worth emulating.
As ridiculous as they both are, I’m kinda impressed with Theresa and Melissa’s cooking skills. I mean, it seems rare nowadays for youngish women to be so proficient in the kitchen. I’m Melissa’s age and there’s no way I could put out that kind of spread. (although I’m sure she had help)
So I do think that’s a nice part of their traditional Italian upbringing. The part where their husbands don’t help out? Not so much.
Ok, so I read their Bravo blogs (because I have no life) and Melissa said that she did intend the wording on the card to be a dig at Tre. She said she did it because of how mean Tre had always been to her. I truly can’t stand Melissa (jealousy and childish all in one). Also, Jaci and Tre both said that the reason J brought the sprinkle cookies to the friendsgiving thing was because she knew about the story of Melissa’s cookies and she brought them as a joke.
Do we even know what this sillyhead feud is even about? Have they ever really spelled it out and I just missed it? You’ve got Midget saying “My brudda-in-law has been fillin my faddah’s head wid poison fah yeahs!”, and those tabloid rumors that Juicy might have laid some pipe in Melissa’s love ditch, but on the actual show, history only seems to go back to the Christening. Nobody talks about anything before the Christening. Joe and Melissa just show up ready to carry on a beef that seems purposely unexplained.
Oh, awkward. I was late reading the recap. So, this cross-family feud involving two generations was started by the prefix “re” and sprinkle cookies. Yeah. That sounds about right for a Housewives show.
I loved the fact that Teresa kept saying that all of the cookies that people brought were her favorite only to then say that she hated the type of cookies that Jacqui brought. LMAO. Tre is so bad at being fake, which is what makes it funny. I think that the tension with Melissa is because she is much better at it. I was almost convinced that people at the klassy party (Midge excluded) were generally having a much better time.
I’m hoping that all of this interest on Kathy’s cookies is not only building up to her own book but to the revelation that Tre stole her recepies for her own book! Wouldn’t that be great? Maybe that’s why Rich keeps bringing her up.
Laying his pipe in her ditch! LOL
Kathy’s dessert’s looked delicious. She should do a cookbook.
Separate, but related: I’m actually surprised Shill Zaaarin hasn’t come up with a Skinny Jewess cookbook yet.
I don’t think juice head I steal work from people and don’t pay but who cares/Cant drive due that DUI that happened that was not his fault and he was not even drinking.Victim of the family fame and talent.So he has to have the Ape Author drive.Bad things happen to perfect and very catholic people to.They are Italians they have been victims for years.Keep fighting the good fight theives.
Sorry Nicki if to much/kidding
I was kind of hoping that the live turkeys would rise up in revolt and attack Tre and Juicy. It would have been poetic justice.
MoonPieFace thinks she’s Carrie Bradshaw. As ugly as I think Sarah Jessica Parker is…she still has a sense of style. MoonPieFace is just a sloppy fat girl.
Miss Andy is paying for the manzo apt. Why do you think Big Gay Greg was so eager to move in? Miss Andy is taking it out in trade from them. That is the real reason for the stripper pole. I want to see Albie in a g string.
I forgot to add…
Lauren Manzo = Meg Griffin.
@Iona – I agree with the Meg Griffin comment! – Every time they show Greg, I think to myself “Why is he living there? And what tricks does Bravo have up their sleeve with him?….oh, and I tend to like Albie, but what happened with him becoming a cop till he worked the lawyer thing out? Did he graduate the academy?