Previously on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Caroline wondered aloud why her poor unwanted daughter’s schlubby boyfriend wouldn’t marry her…
Ain’tcha supposed to offer me a goat first or some shit?
I’m offering you a cow, you fat bastad.
…Assleigh put giant stripper eyelashes on her giant butt face and cried about having to commute to her non paying job with a homicidal PR chick…
Grubman won’t respect me til I run someone ovah and I can’t run someone ovah on public transpatashun MOTHA!
…and Teresa tried to write words down on paper after admitting to the world that her favorite ingredientses is cummin’. Trying to read this letter was the highlight of my week.
pont sit for mr fur our children
We open this week with Melissa Gorgaoyle and Midget Joe buying stuff for Thanksgiving when they run into Assleigh.
If I don’t get an apatment and a cah then juss fuckin’ kill me and serve me fa dinna!
Assleigh’s not moving, and the Gorgaoyle’s tell the kids that she’s just sleeping.
No I ain’t! This town is sleepin’! Move me to the ciiiitttyyywaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
They move onto the ham, and they choose “da butt”. Midge is all excited to play with some ass. Yeah we get it, Midge. You’re big and strong and heterosexual. He tells the butcher “I’m an ass man”, which just confirmed everything the butcher ever thought about the guy.
Me too, jefe. I’m off at six.
Melissa always has Thanksgiving with her witch sisters, her aunts and uncles, and Kathy and this year will be no different. No JewDices! Then who’s Midge gonna punch? Time will tell! For now, he’s walking around the store grabbing everything he can, acting like a kid. His kid is walking around the store acting like his father. It’s like Freaky Friday, Jersey style.
Listen heah ya dumb bitch Sara Lee. You betta have dinna on da table when I come home from woik! And don’t gimme smack WOMAN.
On the way out, Midge jokes with the cashier about how where he comes from, the man don’t have ta do da cookin. That’s da woman’s job! I don’t know that I will ever get used to this douchebag, and it really kills me that I still fantasize about him naked. Let’s take a breather, k?
Juicy and Teresa are going to a turkey farm, and Teresa is disgusted that they’re about to have a turkey killed. “So this is a European thing?” Yes, Teresa. Like bidets. Juicy explains that “Turkey idn’t even an Italian holiday.” It’s not an American holiday either, but well done I guess. He gets annoyed at Teresa’s driving, but he should really be mad at Jesus.
Could you die for mankind somewhere else, please? We’re tryin’ to find turkeys to behead.
Teresa’s already had a pre T day with her parents, then she had one with Juicy’s parents, and now she’s having one with Caroline, Jacqui et all. I find it hilarious that she’s already had two Thanksgivings this year and still doesn’t know what it’s about. We found some land inhabited by Indians, so we gave them turkey to make them tired enough to accept our trick blankets covered in small pox. Duh!
Kathy’s at home trying to teach her kids how to bake, and says she’s a pro without any formal training. I love when people brag about not learning stuff like it’s a skill. Rich asks if Teresa’s gonna show up for T day, and she says no. He (and America) is disappointed that there won’t be a brawl. She tells us that she never spends T Day with the JewDices, but there was a time their families spent the holiday together in the Dominican Republic and she wishes they could do that again. Foreshadowing! One thing we learned from that story is that Teresa made Juicy really fat.
Skinny Italian isn’t just a book title, it’s a memory of better times.
Kathy burned some muffins. And without any formal training in burning stuff. YAYOU! She is stressed because of her convo with Caroline. She doesn’t have a reputation as a troublemaker and she wants to keep it that way. Then you might wanna stop calling people bad mothers at fashion shows. Just a suggestion, not a correction. She’s flustered, and Rich says he knows now where Teresa gets her attitude from. But where does she get her forehead from?
Back in the JewDice SUV, it’s tense. Cuz Teresa’s a bad driver and because the car could be repossessed at any moment. They show up at some dumpy joint with rotisserie chickens, and the guys who work there start talking to them like madams at a brothel.
Juicy looks like he’s gonna beat the hicks up.
You kiss ya mudda wit dat mouf?
He decides to meet the turkeys, and Teresa is grossed out by the smell of poo and impending death in the air. Hick assures her that the turkey isn’t scared. “They don’t know what’s happening.” She doesn’t believe it. They probably have a secret language and warn each other “you’re next!” HAHAHA. I think she’s right. This turkey looks like he knows exactly what’s in store for him.
In about twelve hours, I’m gonna be coming out that scary guys butt. HEEEELP!!!
Juicy and Tre decide that they can’t kill something after knowing it, but they’ll buy one that’s already dead. Killing stuff is fine if someone else does it for you. How mafia of them. It’s time to pay, and it’s like a really bad first date. They just stare at each other and wait to see a wallet pulled out. Neither budges. Juicy finally offers a credit card, but Teresa is afraid that everyone in town knows them and these hicks will kill them if they try to get their turkey bill swept away with a bankruptcy declaration, so she tells him to whip out some of his cash allowance. Smart move.
Caroline, Albert and Lauren are on their way to meet Vito the Cheeto’s parents at their deli. Lauren yawns “it’ll be interesting.” Way to sell it, Lauren. Caroline waves her off. “It’s not a summit!” She just plans on going in, saying “Hey! What’s up? Nice deli!” I don’t know why that made me laugh so hard, but it did. Albert wants to know why they have to drive out to the middle of the woods to meet these freaks, and Lauren explains that they live up here cuz they’re from Sicily. Huh? Sicilians have to live in the woods? How does anyone on this show understand each other? It’s like the turkey language. Albert jokes that the parents being from Sicily changes everything. “No wonder they work with knives all day.” HAHA.
They drive up to a tiny deli in a strip mall. They really wanna get rid of Lauren. Damn! Aim a little higher people. I’m surprised they didn’t just open the passenger door and push her out once they hit the woods. Albert teases her that she’s gonna be really happy out here in the middle of hell and can even let her mustache grow out. LOL loving him. The parents are sweet, and the brother is creepy.
Yeah I’ll make yous a sandwich. You da meat.
The moms joke and make nice while Albert texts HELP to every number in his phone book. Caroline says that when she first saw the kids together she said “Look! It’s your husband!” to Lauren. I have a feeling she was being rude. Like, when I pass homeless dudes swatting at the air, I tell my friends “look! It’s your husband!” Her joke turned into reality, though, and she’s just happy to almost have her non penis equipped spawn out of her face.
Lauren even gets to put on an apron and work behind the counter! Every girl’s dream. Cheeto’s mom jokes “I’ll hold the Chanel!” and her husband says “Don’t get used to that, babe.” Lauren, I know that your parents won’t ever tell you this so I hope you can hear me through the TV: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!
God I hope you’re using protection.
After badly slicing some prosciutto, Lauren tells her future ex mother in law that her daddy always called her a princess and said she would never have to work. Future Ex In Law laughs “well, that’s over.” Caroline finally looks uncomfortable. She’s already supporting her two loser sons. Albert makes conversation with the Future Ex Father in Law. He got into the catering business cuz his dad owned it and they were poor when he was a kid. Well, compared to how rich they are now. He feels sorry for rich people, cuz they don’t know how to be poor! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! This isn’t going well. You’re not supposed to call poor people poor, man!
The mom isn’t looking too happy, but Albert’s too busy scarfing down the free ham and insulting the family to notice. He continues that he’s not worried about the kids, they’ll figure it out. Lauren has the best instincts out of all the kids. After all, she’s dating a guy that was so smart in college that he ended up slicing meat. Wow. I will watch this show until it’s cancelled, just to see these two families brawl at Thanksgiving in a few years.
Speaking of the loser Manzo sons, let’s check in on them! You know how when you move into a new place you feel all excited to change your life for the better and work out and stuff? Yeah…Christopher’s not feeling that.
The boys manufacture some bad comedy while Big Gay Greg cleans the toilet. Assleigh comes over to visit. She immediately starts bitching that her parents won’t get her an apartment, and Chris makes fun of her for being a wuss. Albie tells her that if she got a place in the city she’d be back in a second cuz she’s broke. For now she should make an effort to not be an ass in front of her parents so they’ll loosen up those purse strings. And please, PUT ON SOME MAKEUP.
You need to build a solid foundation before you move to the big city.
Much better. Stay like that.
Meanwhile, Big Gay Greg is sitting in the corner with his purse dog rolling his eyes and keeping it all inside.
You’re gonna have to up your game if you’re gonna be the new housewife, hon. Hit her!
Over at Jacqui’s, a mystery is unfolding. Assleigh’s not in her room…and it’s CLEAN! And who cleaned the kitchen?!? Jacqui asks if the boys talked to her yet, and Chris is like “um, duh.” No one knows how to charm parents into forking over cash like those two. Assleigh comes in and Chris tells her that he’s shocked that she cleaned the kitchen and not only walked around, but took the dog too. Jacqui and Chris aren’t buying it, and Jacq asks “what do you want?” HAHAH. Assleigh claims that she gave up her big city dreams and just wants to be a better person. She’s even wearing makeup! “I just wanted to be Carrie Bradshaw.” Hairy Sadshaw.
No Sex and the Pity
Jacqui assures her that she’ll feel amazing when she earns stuff herself. Or finds a rich guy. Assleigh can do that…when her dad buys her a car. HAHAH! You’ve got to respect her determination. Determination to do nothing, but still. It’s a start.
Teresa’s getting Thanksgiving dinner ready over at her place. Her kids are throwing shit everywhere and acting like monkey spawn, and it’s just now “darning” on Teresa that Midget Joe never wrote her back. Concentrate on the food. Since Turkey is a European holiday, she decides to celebrate by bideting her turkey.
No one likes a dirty dead girl.
The kids are fighting over a tablecloth, and Tre explains that Turkey is about giving thanks and not perfection and materialistic things like eleven million dollars of other people’s money. What does Mommy always say? “Not my fuckin fault!” No, Gia. The other thing. “I want my kids to be perfect.” Oh, yeah. Well, not today…? Let’s change the subject.
Juicy would be helping out, but he’s busy coming up with a plan to pay back his debt and right his family’s reputation and not live off his wife’s income until he dies.
Classical music starts playing, and we go to Melissa’s classy house. Her witch sisters are over to help her put on her fur apron. It could be the product of animal abuse, or it could be made from the hair she shaves of Midge’s body every morning. It’s not explained.
The witch hag sisters dote on Melissa, and that’s how she likes it. They probably secretly hate her ass. There might be a brawl after all! The guys are pouring tequila shots. Melissa explains that in the Italian culture, the women are “genuinely” in the kitchen cooking while the guys speak broken English to each other and drunkenly pat each other on the asses. “The men just sit around, like, where’s my food, bitch?” HA. Shots of the men sleeping on couches. What’s the point of immigrating to America if you’re not gonna learn to emasculate your men? If you’re not gonna be an American, go home. We got over this shit a long time ago. Men and women are equally miserable here, capiche?
The witch sisters are really playing it up for the cameras. They’re like featured extras in a bad dinner theater musical. Just mouth “watermelonwatermelonwatermelon” to each other and fade into the background, ya skanks! Kathy arrives, and she’s super nervous about how her dessert’s gonna go over. She gives a long speech about how important the art of baking is to her. Uh huh. I guess she’ll be competing with Teresa in the cookbook department pretty soon. What’s the point of being on this damn show if you don’t have something to sell? She does seem to be good at what she does. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bunt cake shaped like a hemorrhoid before.
She made like thirty kinds of desserts. Jesus woman. Cookbook. Mark my words. The guests have all arrived, and Midget Joe has a surprise for Melissa! A mechanical bull! Um…thanks? He gets tossed around like a wet noodle, and as I mutter “just how he likes it”, he shouts “just how my wife likes it!” Well at least I didn’t say it in front of kids. Rich is next, and he puts on a gimp mask. He makes it about a second and ends up on his back. I could say “just how Midge likes it”, but that’s pretty old already, no?
Kathy’s up next, then Melissa. Midge gets on with her to grind his hips and make out with her. I find myself wondering if anything exciting will happen on this show again. This party is making Teresa’s look classy. Oh wait. She’s having Kim D over. Never mind! Teresa squeal whines in disappointment/glee over the cookies Jacqui brings, and Jacq tells us that Teresa keeps it together pretty well for a broke ass bitch. Her dessert spread? Needs Kathy. Might be the best thing to come out of a make up session.
Teresa makes a toast about not having a family that can stand her, so thanks for being here! She cries and everyone assures her that it’s gonna be ok. As long as they don’t ask her for a loan. Tre tells them about the turkey farm, and Juicy says “it was the most disgustingest thing ever.” Did that need to be typed? No, but I feel like I have to point out all the bad English. I’m a tattle tale.
The classical music is back, which means that we’re back with the Gorgaoyles. Melissa is saying grace. This should be good. I don’t know that God’s been thanked enough for leopard print, spandex and Aqua Net. Cholas aren’t the praying type.
Midge liked her prayer so much that he wants to bang her. Sit down, butch. Wanna watch a bunch of people eat? Me neither. I can’t FF though, cuz Rich is suggesting that Midge call Teresa over for dessert. Melissa tells us that Midge is super sensitive and has very deep feelings. Uh huh. So does Teresa. She’s screaming at one of her brats for punching her sister in the face. HAHAHAHAH. Milania’s asking Cheeto when he’s gonna marry Lauren, and he says when the slut learns to use a meat slicer and stop embarrassing him in front of his parents.
Caroline joins in on the fun and asks when the proposal is coming. Lauren says Cheeto’s gonna have to get on his knee. But how will he get back up? He doesn’t seem like the squatting type.
He’s a deli worker. I don’t think that job comes with healthcare. Let him just stand.
He’ll also have to ask Albert first for permission, which I imagine wouldn’t be too hard to get. Just promise to keep her ass out there in the middle of nowhere so her mother can have some peace and we gotta deal. Teresa says that Juicy had to ask her parents first too, which goes to show that parents know nothing. Why bother asking? I guess so you can blame them when your husband turns out to be crooked and lazy. No offense.
Jacqui brings up the letter, and Teresa says she hasn’t heard anything from Midge. Midge is talking about the letter too, and she says that Teresa apologized for whatever unspecified thing she might have done. Teresa knows what she did! It’s in her heart! Midge goes on about how important family is and says he feels lost. Kathy is crying because she is worried that this might happen to her kids. They seem super nice and un-ape like, so I wouldn’t worry. Well, I wouldn’t worry about them fighting. Your son collects weapons so maybe watch him.
Back at the non classy party, Juicy is going off on what an ungrateful, disrespectful brat Midge is to Teresa. Teresa even gave that brat money when he needed it! Whose money? No one knows. Teresa flashes back to her housewarming. Remember how she told everyone Midge was gorgeous? And he didn’t even have plugs back then!
Memba how she told everyone they were like twins, and Juicy said he would only do her from behind from now on? And how Midge offered to make out with Juicy? Aw, memories! Teresa pulls out a card from Melissa. Juicy starts attacking, saying it probably cost two cents and came outta da computer. Neither of which he has. Jeal? Juice doesn’t even wanna hear it and asks Tre for some cookies. She smacks him so hard that Caroline spills soup down the front of her dress. Man, Caroline is gonna beat Teresa’s ass this season, and I can’t wait. Jacqui is so excited to see the card that she bangs her baby’s head on the table. Everyone laughs. The more you get banged on the head as a kid, the better you fit in with these people during holiday dinners.
So Melissa gave Teresa this card at her housewarming, and it said “Congrats on your re done house.” I am having trouble figuring out why this is so offensive, and Caroline explains that the house was gutted and completely rebuilt, so Melissa was making a petty play on words and it was offensive. But…the house was redone, no? I guess more than an average remodel, but ??? It’s not like anyone here has a poetic grasp on the English language. Maybe she was just trying to be nice? I would be more offended that her husband tried to make out with Juicy.
Juicy, the arbiter of class, says the card is from a classless human being. Teresa says the old Teresa would have bitch slapped her, but the new Teresa just wants to borrow twenty bucks. The word “redone” is very offensive, apparently. To get her back, when Melissa brought over sprinkle cookies at Christmas, Teresa told her “no one touched your cookies so I threw them in the garbage.” There’s an awkward pause as everyone tries to change gears from the whole “Teresa’s a victim” plot.
Caroline asks if that was nice, and Teresa says that she was trying to get her back without cursing. “Get it?”
I think that’s a no.
Teresa told Melissa her favorite cookies are pignoli cookies. Caroline isn’t liking this. Melissa is telling the cookie story too, and everyone is laughing at what a dumb bitch Tre is. She says that throwing a pregnant woman’s cookies in the garbage isn’t a diss, it’s just plain stupid. Especially since Juicy probably ate them out of the trash and then kissed Tre later.
The guys try to change the convo to cookies in general, but Caroline gets pissed and shouts them all down. She doesn’t wanna talk cookies! Tre should have just said that she had hurt feelings. But that would have caused a fight! Caroline is gonna cut Tre or herself. DO IT!
Melissa is telling Midge that she is willing to forgive Teresa and start with a clean slate, and if he forgives her too then it will all be water under the bridge and they can hate Teresa for new stuff that she does instead of living in the past. Midge is tempted…and then a brother in law starts slurring about how one of his brothers died so they should make up. That’s sad! Did you ever throw away his wife’s cookies? Shhh. Have some tequila.
The classy party is all teary eyed and ready for peace. Melissa says that she’ll do whatever it takes for Midge to get his family back because it might get him out of the house once in awhile instead of chasing her around for sex. Also, her dad died when she was a teenager and she knows what missing your family is like. AWWWW! For reals aw. Damn this show for making me feel things. The only thing that will make me feel better is a picture of some really terrible offensive hair.
All Mel ever wanted was for a man to take care of her like her dad, and now she has Midge. She says that if Midge doesn’t talk to Tre she will. Midge promises to call his sister. YAAAY! DO IT NOW! Something violent has to happen tonight! No? Oh. OK then. I’ll just…be glad this is over then? Yeah. Let’s go with that.
Next week, Kathy’s kid comes out as an alcoholic, Caroline becomes Dr. Bore-a, and Juicy takes a nap. I’ll be out of town for that one, but TheCzar will be here taking care of all your Jersey needs. Check her out on The Voice, and if you guys wanna waste some time gossiping about these hookers during the week, come by the facebook page! xo
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit