There have been a couple raunch filled episodes of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, so forgive me for almost throwing up on my desk when the first line of this week’s ep was “We gotta fit it in the hole.”
Thankfully, we aren’t at Teresa and Juicy’s house right now. No no. We’re over at Jacqueline’s, and her dad is helping her take down the plastic tree from the attic. I wonder if Baby Jesus thought to himself “Wow. I’ve been implanted miraculously into a poor person, dragged across the state to be born in some gd trough, and in thirty years I’m gonna get nails through my hands and feet for my trouble. But one day people are gonna have giant plastic trees and buy each other Nintendos in my honor, so it will totes be worth it.”
Jacqui is having a holiday party to reunite the JewDices with the Gorgaoyles. She knows it could be a disaster, and from the tone of her voice, she hopes it will be. Otherwise, she’ll have to come up with her own storyline and Bravo is still refusing to follow her to Weight Watchers meetings. Her mom is over to help the kids make Christmas cookies.
Just save the outsides and we’ll wrap them up and give them to Teresa and Juicy. They don’t vibrate, but fuck em. It’s a bad economy.
Jacqui makes decorations with the family to warn that this year Christmas is all about family rivalry, but don’t worry! It’s someone else’s family. Assley asks why Jacqui’s always butting in to everyone else’s family business. Same reason you’re gonna be broke and homely your whole life: laziness.
Ass goes on to school her mom in nosiness. Remember Danielle? Yeah, that drama totally could have been avoided! HAHAHA! Jacqui needs to get off whatever antidepressants she’s taking, cuz any mother worth her weight in Entenmann’s would have smacked the shit out of her for saying that. Bitch was thrown in the clink for pulling out Danielle’s weave and Jacqui’s the troublemaker? We need to extend abortion rights until the 20th year of life. Meanwhile, dear old dad is working on his own gift for the JewDices.
This might not be the best time to make handcuff jokes.
Grandpa says that whatever happens, this needs to be about fun. Christmas is stressful cuz it’s about spending money you don’t have. What a coincidence. That’s what Teresa’s storyline is about.
Caroline has her sons, her penisless child, and Albie’s wife over to help her move furniture. She tells us that Penisless Offspring is in “bitch mode” cuz she’s sad that her brothers have moved and her parents still haven’t even learned her name, so stay out of her way. Sure, it’s been an adjustment for Penisless to have all of her social contacts move out of her life, but Albie had to adjust when his bf decided to start dating his sister. That’s why he’s friends with Big Gay Greg, cuz he won’t leave to start dating Lauren. Also, cuz he’s got a cute dog and he’s the only friend who will put his wiener inside him and not make a big deal out of it.
The boys are up in the attic pulling out decorations, and it turns out someone has punched a hole in plastic Santa’s face. LOL. Big Gay Greg’s look of horror cracks me up.
How could someone do this to the first socially acceptable leather bear?
Caroline is pissed when she sees it and blames a rat. Albert is disgusted by the stupidity of her accusation, for some reason.
She can say whatever she wants, but he seems like an abusive asshole to me. It’s not a mouse, it’s not a rat…we can take all night to try and figure out who would do such a thing, but we already all know the answer.
Albie wants to leave busted Santa on someone’s door as a message.
If you want head, call Albie.
Time to go buy a new Santa! Caroline bonds with her new Son in Not Law by telling him about this feather Christmas tree she wants. “They’re…happy feathers!” I’m glad I didn’t have to call her out on gay bashing a Christmas tree. We’ve come a long way, America.
Happy is the new f word.
Greg wants that tree, so he calls the store in his butch goomba voice. Well, that’s what he calls it. He does have an accent, but you can’t just pretend you don’t have a lisp. Otherwise, I’d be making millions in voiceovers for Ford trucks. Albie says that living with Greg is fun, but there are downsides. Albie’s got Mariah Carey’s Christmas album burned into his head and a permanent limp. At least he doesn’t have to do dishes!
Melissa tells us that she wants to prove she’s got what it takes to be a recording artist. Lotion.
Yes, Melissa. Celine puts lotion on her ashy elbows too. But she can also, you know, SING.
Her lawyer has introduced her to some music producers. That’s nice of him. He might wanna introduce her to some vocal coaches first, but I’ll go with it. They’re in pleather and faux fur, so she feels comfortable around them immediately. These guys need to work on their nicknames.
Are you related to K-Mart or Big Mac? You’re confusing me. Can I just call you John?
The other one is super classy cuz he has an accent mark. And a last name!
These guys are for real! They’ve worked with Beyonce! Um…the song they did for her was cut from her Dangerously in Love album, but still! They’ve worked with Britney Spears on Naked, too! Unfortunately, Britney Spears and Naked are words no one wants to hear together ever ever again. Mel, dreams of Brit and Beyonce swirling in her tiny squirrel brain, asks (out loud) “Can I be next?!?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! She looks up to Heaven and does a sign of the cross. “Please, Jesus!” Um, Jesus is busy banging his head against the wall. Can I take a message?
The twenty year old from church swings by to accompany her, and Mel tells the Soul Diggaz she texteded da “words” so they’re super important to her. And then she launches into her “I’m on display on display on display” song. You can see a look on their faces:
But when are you on display?
…and she answers them.
Each and every day every day every day!
And they’re like
The guys earn every penny they make. They nod and smile and drink their free wine through this mess, and when it’s done, Cortaaaay says “I ain’t gonna lie. I been singin’ since I was two.” Ok, I buy that I guess. “And you can sing.” Which proves that every single time a sentence starts with “I’m not gonna lie” it’s a fucking lie. That was terrible. I accidentally stepped on my dog on the way to the bathroom last night and her wail sounded better than that.
They tell her that with fifteen hours a day in the vocal booth, she could do it. Midget Joe doesn’t like this. Mel is a mother of three and a sex slave. Who’s gonna raise the heathens? Who’s gonna shave his back? Who’s gonna pick out knit caps that hide his bald spot? NO WAY. She can’t be out of the house that long, but if he sweet talks some construction guys into building a vocal room in the basement of the spec house, she’s in. So she’s getting a recording studio in her house. For a non existent career. Just…wow. She squeals and thanks Jesus for giving her a magical vagina.
Not disgusted enough yet? Let’s go see Tre! Sure, they had to sell their stuff on ebay, but that doesn’t mean they can’t still have fun! Teresa gets in her whoriest whore skirt, Juice boils some pasta, and they get ready for a romantic evening at home. Until they have to sell that on ebay too.
Next year we’ll do it in Caroline’s back yard.
Teresa says it’s been rough the past year, what with the bankruptcy and all. Yeah that really sucks… for the people you owed over eleven million dollars to. She says that now they’re paying their mortgage instead of buying furniture. Well, that’s a novel idea. Juicy gets all romantic and brings up his current lawsuit. His ex partner is suing him. He is accused of forging a signature on a loan, but Teresa knows the truth and that’s all that matters. Um, the truth is that Juicy forged a signature on the loan. By the way, the funniest part of that article I just linked to is “She (Teresa) was spotted arguing outside the courtroom with a woman, who she accused of leaking information. ‘You’re violating ethnics!’” LOL.
Kathy and Rich are still on their restaurant hunt. They finally find a place they like. It’s bright, it’s tacky, and the real estate agent will eat enough to keep the place open.
Could you open right now? I’m hungry.
Kathy says that if you don’t dream, you don’t live. Or…sleep? She’s nervous, but this place is perfect. There’s even an area to smoke a hookah! HAH! That’s one way to make sure you don’t get any bad reviews. Every time I smoke up I go onto Yelp, sign up under a different name, and give five stars to Little Caesars. But in the daylight that shit tastes like wet cardboard. Point is, Kathy loves this place and is “materializing my vision” of making desserts in the shape of cat poop.
The place is huge, which means it’s gonna have to be about more than desserts. Which means a staff. And way more overhead. Rich shrugs. “I’ll go bankrupt like everyone else.” LOL. True love in Jersey is being willing to go bankrupt for your woman. It’s so romantic.
Melissa is at home preparing to be a superstar. That means she’s trying to make her kids do stuff for themselves. She starts with Mini Midget Joe. Just because he’s the same height and cap size as daddy doesn’t mean she’s gonna feed him every day. He’s gonna have to learn to pick up a fork and wax his own body or he’s gonna turn into his dad.
MiniMidge refuses, and I don’t blame him. He’s too young to know the word, but he knows what a hypocrite is. You’re gonna lecture him on being self reliant while your Midge husband is buying you an album? Midge is downstairs bossing the construction guys around for the studio. “Put a wall heah!” Yeah, you might wanna go to an actual music studio, Little Caesar Complex (sorry but I’m hungry now), to actually learn how to make a recording booth. I’m no Beyonce, but I have a feeling more goes into it than just “wawls.”
He instructs the guys to put lots of widows so he can make sure K/Cortaaay aren’t jerking off to her image. She says he’s a typical jealous Italian man, but there’s a lot to be jealous of. Then she points to her fake hair, fake tan and fake boobs. She insists that the vocal booth be painted gold, “cuz I’m gonna make gold recuhds, riyeeeeeeh?” If ears could commit suicide, mine would be swallowing Drano right now.
Jaqui takes her niece Penisless Offspring to visit the boys at their apartment. It’s clean, and when she asks what bitch they have cleaning it, she answers herself “Greg.” She laughs. He doesn’t.
The boys joke that they need their mom’s GPS to find shit they lose around the house, and tell J that they call her every day. She asks “and Penisless too?” Silence. Penisless gets all upset and says that it used to be the three of them as a team and now they’ve replaced her with a big hairy gay guy and don’t seem to know the difference. In their defense, you probably look the same in a shower. She cries and snaps at Big Gay Greg to stop rolling his eyes. He insists that he’s not, but he is. It’s a natural reflex. It’s a self defense mechanism that we all learn in middle school PE. It’s not that I can’t play football or I’m afraid of getting hurt, it’s that it’s stuuuuupid, k? OK I might be projecting.
Penisless continues crying and says she feels left out and it’s like they don’t even know her name. No one responds. Albie looks at her like “could ya gimme a hint?” He goes to his room and brings out a spare key for her. There. Now you can let yourself in and we can ignore you. Feel better? The other brother says he was gonna hold onto that to use as a Christmas gift. HAHAHAHAH!!! Cheap bastard. Get her a name tag. It won’t cost more than a key and it will lift her self confidence immensely.
It’s the day of Jacqui’s Christmas party and she’s worried for her tables because Midge and Teresa are always beating on them or flipping them. She decides to just pour them an inch of wine at a time and remove all tables from the house. I wonder if Jacqui’s gonna have any scenes in this episode about herself. Not that I’m hoping, just wondering. Maybe she could talk about….god what are her hobbies? She likes to text. Maybe they could make a scene about that.
The boys got their feather tree, and it’s as hideous as you’d think. Caro and Penisless swing by to help decorate, and all the nice lighthearted giggles come to a screeching halt when Penisless starts whining that she knows the boys had a big party here the other day and didn’t invite her. They insist that it’s not true, but Big Gay Greg called her on the phone for a pasta recipe to feed thirty so the jig’s up. Someone needs to come out of the closet soon so the guys can explain that she’s not invited not because she’s their sister, but because she has a vagina. Closeted Gayness hurts feelings.
Caroline hates the whining and tells Penisless to shut up, stop complaining, and get a life. Penisless isn’t hurt by this advice. She’s heard it eighty million times on the one hour of radio Caroline did so she’s desensitized to it. Big Gay Greg says that to relieve stress, they should all plan a trip for the New Year. Then he shrugs an afterthought: “Penisless can come.” HAHAHAH! I have a feeling BGG no likey Penisless. She calls him out on his half assed invite, and Caroline smacks her face with a fly swatter and tells her to be a man. Greg sighs “Christmas decorating is exhausting.”
Jacqui could get in a fight with her husband, or get a job, or come up with a product to hawk, but that’s all tiring and doesn’t guarantee her air time. So she goes to visit Kim G. OH GOD. Someone get her an alcohol addiction stat. I don’t know how much of the G I can take. Kim just got a giant chandelier. I haven’t rooted for a light fixture to fall on someone since I saw Phantom in the early 90′s.
J says that Teresa has issues with Kim, but she’s always been nice to her and J is her own boring ass person and makes her own boring ass decisions. Kim talks about how she got her chandelier as a gift to herself cuz she had a brain tumor. Where’d it go? She’s still yapping, so I assume it was taken out or something. Lazy tumor. If I were Caroline, I’d snap “work hardah, tumah!” but I’m not, so I’ll just sigh loudly and hope the Phantom shows up soon with a butcher knife.
I will finish what the tumor wouldn’t.
Only Kim G could turn her brain tumor song and dance into a tirade against Teresa. People who call Kim pathetic don’t know the other side of her! Um, yes we do. That side is pathetic too. You’re not less of an asshole with a brain tumor, you’re just an asshole who should be more careful about bumping her head. Kim says she won’t drop the Tre thing until she gets an apology. Or until camera crews stop recording her stupid ass.
We are reminded that Kim hates Teresa for calling her old and Grannytelli and making fun of her old lady butt crack. LOL. Jacui can’t really defend Teresa’s actions, cuz Teresa is an asshole and everyone knows it. Kim pulls out her bberry. Oh lord here we go. She wants to read some texts to J. Jacqui insists that she doesn’t wanna hear it, but she’s at Kim’s house. What the hell else does that woman talk about? She reads a text about the trial starting and Teresa being financially fucked. Jacqui gets pissy and says she needs to stfu like ten times. Kim laughs her witchy little laugh and Jacqui says to stfu more, but she doesn’t leave. Why would she? There’s a candy dish.
Teresa and Juicy were in court all day for the fraud charges. They start talking about the incident in the article I linked to above! Well, nice timing guys! Teresa says that she ran into “my husband’s ex partner’s lawyer’s wife” and had words with her. She doesn’t say what words, unfortunately, but now we know. Flashback to that lame fashion show where Kim was talking shit about her and introducing her friend to Melissa.
You should be suing your doctor. You look like a Linda Hunt blowup doll.
Teresa doesn’t go into any detail, except to tell us that she doesn’t like the opposing lawyer’s wife gossiping with Kim G about her business. Again, I’m siding with Teresa here. That does seem to be unethnical. “I’m sure I’ll never have to worry about her again.” Really? Cuz Bravo just showed a flashback to put a face to this woman’s name, so it’s not looking good for ya. YAY! In the car, Tre is telling Juicy to keep things positive when they get home so they don’t upset the girls. His answer? Shut up. HAHAHAH.
Rich and Kathy stop by The Brownstone to talk to Albert. Kathy explains that the place is a Jersey landmark and it’s “top shelf. Down to the pink chocolate fountain.” LOL. Kathy’s raised their kids, but it’s time for her to do something for herself, so they’ve started thinking about opening a restaurant. What do you think about that Albert? Albert? Albert?
OK glad you got a good laugh. Now seriously. What do you think?
Seriously? That’s not very nice. We’re talking about Kathy being a serious business woman.
Once they get him off the floor, he gets down to wrecking their dreams. He wasn’t laughing cuz he thinks Kathy is too stupid to open a restaurant, he’s laughing because she’s stupid for wanting one. It’s an all day all night business and it steals your whole life. Look at him. Five decades have flown by and he’s stuck in a big empty house with a woman who screams “get a life!” whenever he has a complaint and a nameless child without a penis eating everything in the fridge. To put things in perspective, he tells a story about 9/11. He was at work feeding people while his friend the police commissioner was out saving lives. But then he saw some pics in the funeral parlor of a dead guy that used to love having events at The Brownstone, and it made it all worth it. Or something. What the fuck is this story supposed to teach anyone?
So I’ll make some eclairs and stage a terrorist attack so my life has some meaning. Glad we stopped by.
Albert’s advice is to forget about a restaurant “and let her go into catering a little.” Not terrible advice, but man he has an offensive way of saying just about anything. Rich and Kathy decide that he’s right and they will put their dream on hold. Kathy will end up taking Bravo’s advice: “write a cookbook and send Teresa into a rage before the audience dies of boredom.”
Party time! Jacqueline is getting ready. And by getting ready I mean she’s watching her caterer cook. Isn’t Marion Barry the crack head ex mayor of DC?!?
To show Teresa that there is life after scandal, I guess.
There’s also something for the ogre to eat, just in case Caroline brings Penisless.
Jacqui hired a chef so she can make sure the guests aren’t beating each other up. Caroline and the family arrive, and the guys start making fun of Assley right off the bat. Funny, but all I wanna do right now is google “permanent hair removal cream.” Teresa arrives. There has been a lot of shit written about her in the press today, so she’s making sure that she’s wearing not one fur she didn’t pay for, but two. Balls. Juicy stopped at Ralph’s first to get a pie. For the catered party. HAHAH.
In related news, Ralph’s has started a manhunt for a pie stealing guido.
Teresa is looking forward to spending some time with friends and getting drunk instead of being in court. Jacqui immediately brings up the trash she’s been reading online. Who did she tell off at court? Tre tells her the story. In her version, she just walked up to the lady and said “you live your life, I’ll live mine.” Meanwhile, Juicy is with the guys telling them what a crazy bitch he married.
Anyone feel free to argue. I said anyone. Going once, going twice….sorry that sounded like a “selling all your shit on ebay” joke and that’s not what I intended.
Juice, whispering so the cameras don’t hear him, tells the guys that Tre walked right up to a lawyer and went ballistic on her ass. Then he says five more times that “she’s nuts. She’s fuckin nuts.” The guys don’t agree, because they’re too nice. But not nice enough to tell him that cameras don’t hear you, MICROPHONES DO. Jacqui says that she would have done the same thing, which of course is a lie. If that were true Jacqui would be a way more interesting human being. Teresa shrugs. “I had to silence the lamb.” LOL what? Oh, Teresa. You really need to turn off the TV while you sleep. Unless it’s got Baby Einstein playing on a loop.
Are the lambs still screaming, Clarice?
No I fuckin’ silenced dose bitches. Let’s eat.
Midge and Melissa arrive. Midge wishes that Kathy and Rich were invited so they had someone on their side. I hope Teresa picture messages her pics of the dessert table. Jacqui answers the doorbell alone cuz Teresa doesn’t wanna go. She tells Melissa that she hopes she’s not uncomfortable and she doesn’t want this to be weird. Well, you just started it out in the weirdest way possible so well done. Assley tells us that her mom is always putting herself in the middle of everyone else’s drama and “she was friends with Danielle for a reason.” She’s not wrong, but that doesn’t make her any less of an asshole. Ass has been to an eyebrow waxer. YAY! Unfortunately, her forehead is now the shape of and upside down beaker.
Tre hugs Midge, and everyone seems to be getting along swimmingly. Poor Midge is gonna demand that Big Gay Greg be kept away from him during filming at all times.
The gayest guy in Jersey just insulted your manhood with his mere presense. Merry X!
Teresa wastes no time putting incest jokes in all our heads.
Ya look like ya gonna wash a bored wit dat.
I’m not the only one noticing Tre flirting with her brother. As she feels Midge’s biceps, Penisless walks by.
She says Melissa is a younger prettier version of Teresa and it’s obvious that there’s a battle for Midge’s affections going on. Unfortunately, once Joe said I do, Melissa owned him. Wait. You’re talking WAY too much sense to be on this show, Penisless! You better have used that key to hide at your brothers’ place tonight, cuz Teresa is probably on your doorstep with a rifle after seeing this.
Midge makes his way over to Albie to ask him how many chicks he’s banging. Albie just giggles and tries not to look at Greg. Then Midge tells him to go find himself a hot chick like Melissa, cuz he gets a lot of exercise banging her. EW. I want his parents’ address so I can start sending them cards on Mother’s/Father’s day with Caroline’s picture on them. When you open them they’ll say “TRY HARDA!”
Speaking of Caroline, she likes that the Gorgaoyle’s are “young…sexy. They’uh not so bad.” First off, I want to turn this off because I am feeling sick to my stomach thinking of Caroline picking this couple’s keys out of a bowl. Second, I can’t stop watching because the seeds of the Teresa Rebellion have been sewn and I fucking LOVE gardening shows.
Teresa tries to make nice. She asks Smellissa how the recital was. It was great! “Ya shoulda told me I woulda went!” “You were in upstate New York.” Slam. The double non invite. There’s a pause. Smell took that point.
Tre composes herself and realizes the table has been bolted to the floor.
Pause. Teresa says that it was the best time she evah had cuz she was wit people she loves. Smell takes a giant gulp to try to hide her eyes rolling. It doesn’t work.
Who went Upstate? Everyone but you! Why not us? Cuz we just made up and stuff.…Awkward! Caroline jumps in and says that now that they know Smell and Midge, they’ll be invited everywhere. People loosen up. Chris whips out a cell phone camera and takes pics of Midge playing with his nipples. I have a feeling Midge is going to become a frequent guest in the Hoboken apartment. Pictures of him looking sad! Happy! Now angry! He pounds the table. HAHAH. Albert jokes that the Gorgas shouldn’t be let around tables. “The Gorga Table Flip”, he calls it. Everyone laughs. Tre says that she did it once and won’t do it again. Everyone is silent. HAHAHA. Man. They’re all gonna turn against her by the end. Mark my words. You never should have gotten rid of Danielle, girl, cuz now you’re gonna be her.
The table turns back to laughing. Smellissa nasally announces that you should nevah dare her husband do do anything cuz he’ll do it! Naturally, everyone dares him to put on Jacqui’s clothes. He agrees to do it and everyone is loving him. Teresa looks psyched that this is going so well.
I don’t like eventses turnin’ of like dis.
While Midge gets dressed, Juicy tells Greg he doesn’t like drag. “Even if I was gay, I wouldn’t like you if you was dressed like dat.” Greg snarks “so you’re telling me I have a chance.” LOL! Juicy laughs and gives him a maybe. I would be able to laugh with the rest of the table if I believed for one second that he was kidding. Teresa says Greg is cute and asks if he will do a threesome and then who he likes more, Tre or Joe. He takes a pause and says “I like you both the same.” HA! Big Gay Greg for new housewife!
Midge comes out in the outfit and I’m confused. If it’s tight on his tiny teenage girl gymnast body, how the fuck does it fit Jacqui? Shenanigans, this is Flipit calling. Please pick up.
Everyone hoots and hollers. He even does a kick when they ask, and shocker, he can get his ankle behind his head. He’s officially in with this crowd. Teresa is having the time of her life.
The laughs go on and on. Chris, speaking for the room, tells us “they’uh AWESOME.” Then Smell starts telling Penisless about how much she loves her sisters and would die without them. The ladies start rambling about how important fambly is. Teresa, not liking being out of the loop all the sudden, finally interjects with her nervous squeal. She says she had a brother until he got married. Smell keeps it light and says “You have a sister! Hello!” and Teresa squeals “then do it!” Huh?! Oh man Teresa is gonna have a fucking meltdown soon. Caroline shouts that they’re in a good place and they’re gonna stay in a good place. No they aren’t, and I fucking love it.
Smell invites everyone to her place for her own Christmas party. Juicy asks what night so he can plan a nice long evening of Swiffer sweeping his empty living room. Teresa looks like she’s gonna start pooping mortar until a brick wall is built.
Melissa says Teresa should get used to these new friendships without the eyerolling. Cut to Melissa rolling her eyes. Tre insists that she doesn’t mind if Caroline and Jacqueline become friends with Smell cuz she has her own friends. “Lots of ‘em!” Do Gia and Milania count?
This is gonna get gooooooooood. It’s pretty obvious from the outset that the tides are about to turn, and I loves me some choppy waters. Next week, Kathy and Teresa get into it, someone confronts Juicy about money, and the husband’s ex partner’s lawyer’s wife shows up to Baby Jesus’ birthday! Also, Juicy tries out for A Chorus Line.