RHONJ: Whose Birthday Is It Again?

Previously, Kathy said the f word a lot, Melissa and Midge stuck up for Teresa, and Kim G made America root for Team Brain Tumor.

rah rah rah!

It wouldn’t be Season 3 of Real Housewives of New Jersey without the editors opening up the show by grossing us out.

Dancing with three (alleged) chicks and he’s still bending over.

Hey Witch Sister, get your own fidget to molest! It’ll be easy. You’ll just have to change your face. And your personality. And your soul. And your voice. And your extensions. And humanity’s general standards for decent looks.

Melissa goes up to Teresa kinda begrudgingly. She did the dirty work and kicked the lawyer bitch out. There. Ya happy? YES! Teresa kisses her and says thank you. Then Ina Garten flies overhead.

Wait. The kiss and the thank you came too soon. Kim G is still at the party. WTF? Mel shrugs. She’s an innocent hag, just let her be. Teresa isn’t gonna do that, sugar. SORRZ! She’s pissed and wants Grannytelli gone. Melissa wants to make Teresa happy, but she can’t fulfill every wish of her Neanderthinlaw. She’s not a waitress. Any more. Ok I’ll fill your ice tea but after that I’m done. I mean it! OK fine I’ll bring you some bread.

Stressing, Melissa rushes through the kitchen, where Grannytelli is tattle tale-ing on Mel for kicking Lawyer Bitch out. Mel kinda blows her off instead of kissing her chicken skinned ass, so Witch explains that Mel is making an effort to be nice to Tre so she’s not left out of all the group scenes on the show. Melissa tells us that she thinks Teresa hates GrannyT so much because they’re just alike. Spirit twins! HAHAH! No matter how much she runs around trying to make Tre happy, that one sentence will ruin any hope of a truce these bitches ever had. YAAAYYYY!

Rich, on his way to the dance floor, tells Kathy “I’m da best lookin’ mothafucka in heah!” Congratulations. That’s like beating a blind kid at slug bug.

Tre pulls Melissa over for a dance. Ina makes another circle around the ceiling before Filomena shoots her ass down. GrannyT has moved on to Kathy to bitch about Tre. If you’re innocent, why would you care that the lawyer suing you is showing up uninvited to your family’s Christmas party? No one can really justify that idiotic drivel with an answer, so Kathy says she doesn’t wanna get involved. She’s got her own stuff going on. Unfortunately, Kim’s too self involved to ask what things exactly Kathy has going on. I would have loved to see the long awkward pause.

Meanwhile, Tre is behind Kim, making fun of her duck lips and giving Juicy the “let’s get out of here so I can give you a terrible blow job” face.

Caroline is standing next to Kim and listening to everything she says. She starts telling no one in particular that it’s sad that people gotta talk about otha people and try ta ruin’ da fambly. GrannyT ignores her and keeps spewing her Activia tinged bile while a gang of girls surrounds her. Caroline’s Penisless child is there, Assley, Jacqueline. It looks like a cattle call for “A League of Their Own: The Musical.”

Alright, which one of you is playing Rosie’s part?

Penisless says that sometimes you need to tell the bully what’s what. No, that’s a myth. My dad always told me the solution to getting bullied was to punch the bully as hard as I could. Now I have a dent in my head and I look like one of those CGI villains from the new Planet of the Apes movie. Thanks, Dad. Penisless isn’t doing the telling off though, Caroline is. She gets in Grannytelli’s face, wags her finger around and tries to get her anger brow. And she does it! Caroline is so pissed that she’s defied Botox!!

For someone trying to make a living as an advice giver, Caroline sucks at confrontation. She just says stuff like “respect” and “fambly” a lot. Kim just keeps squawking like a constipated chicken trying to lay an egg while Caroline tells her off in grunts and points. Chris jumps in and tells Kim it’s time to go. She tries to refuse, but he keeps on pushing her til she’s out the door. Albert gets in Kim G’s bodyguard’s face and tells him to fuck off. LOL. I love this show. I wish my family parties were like this. I’d visit way more often.

If this were Whitney’s Bodyguard, she woulda been on that pipe way sooner.

Teresa and Juicy are waiting for their car to be pulled around when they see Kim being escorted out. Teresa hasn’t smiled like that since she found out bankruptcy means never having to pay your bills and not an interruption at the bank. Chris softens a bit with Kim and tells her that he loves her son like a brother and he doesn’t want this to come in between their friendship. Is he apologizing for his family’s behavior? To KIM G?!? I hope Caroline just saw this scene at home and had his electricity cut off.

Inside, Caroline is shouting that she doesn’t want Chris talking “to dat douchebag!” HAHAH! Dr. Bore-a grew a pair. Albie runs outside shouting and breaks up Kim and Chris’ non fight. Grannytelli doesn’t know wtf is going on any more. Now you know how America feels. She confusedly starts following the guys back to the house, and a whole crowd is waiting for them at the door. Albert tells her she’s a clown and to gtfo. Assley screeches that Kim is just like Danielle. Uh-oh! Watch that brittly ass weave, Kim! Jacqui makes Ass go back inside, telling her “high road. High road,” which means “if you get thrown in jail again for beating up on another old lady your Jeep is going back to the dealer.”

A lot of ape shouting and pointing. Caroline says Kim has to go cuz “ya came wit da intent ta do hahm!” This bitch watches too much SUV. Chris is inside whining “I need ta know my ma’s not fightin’ wit her! I need ta know!” These Jersey men beat their chests like apes and always end up crying like little wussies. Finally, Kim leaves with a giant smile on her face, knowing that this won’t end up on the cutting room floor. Teresa squees in delight and kisses Juicy. She says she’s gonna bang him all night and Kim just gets to go home and play with her toys. I just got an image of Teresa and Juicy doing it at the same time I got an image of Kim riding a hoover. If this recap isn’t posted on time, it’s because I’ve had a stroke. Someone please tell Nads to come scrape me off the floor.

Melissa says that she thought it was strange that the Manzo’s were kicking people out of her party, but if someone came after her, she would want her sons to do the same thing. Putting the cart before the horse there, hon. First step: teach them to use a fork. Baby steps.

Up in some other room, the fambly is surrounding a pissed off Chris. He’s mad because he got “my boy!”‘s mom out of there peacefully but his fambly had to get all dramatic and keep the drama going. Albert rolls his eyes and says GrannyT got what she deserves. After all, there’s only one reason people show up to parties with bodyguards:

OK. There are two reasons people show up to parties with bodyguards.

Caroline tells us that she’s had a cordial relationship with GrannyT, but that’s over now cuz she can’t think of one nice thing to say about her. The whole thing is so distressing that it’s taken all the life out of Caro’s hair. Is it raining inside?

Caroline goes on about how Chris is gonna have to deal with the fallout. LOL gimme a break. You think Kim’s son doesn’t know his mom’s a crayon under Nancy’s turban? He has a TV, right? The kid calls Chris and dramatic music plays. Oh lawd. Is Chris dating this guy? What’s the big deal? Caroline pats his head and pouts like he’s got spinal meningitis and five minutes to live or some shit. I think she’s already forgotten the part where she ganged up on a defenseless old lady with a brain tumor. Chris works it out on the phone with his boy, and he does it off camera. Thankfully.

Now let’s get back to the fun of watching Melissa and Midge pat themselves on the back for all they’re doing for cancer kids. They walk into a room where a bunch of Happy Meal toys are piled up and then ooh and ahh about what good people they are. They’re gonna get so many thank you letters. “I loved the McD’s Barbie. I would have liked chemo more though. Thanks anyway, Kid With Cancer.”

There was fighting, five dollars raised for charity, and crying men. Success! Midge makes Albert fall in love with him on the way out by kissing the guy’s ring, and Caroline is even nice to Melissa, saying “you were a good girl tonight!” Melissa whines that she’s always a good girl, Dr. Bore-a! Really I aaaaaaam! Caroline laughs and says that it was the first time she’s kicked a guest out of a home that wasn’t hers. Somehow I don’t believe that. Everyone’s getting along now, which I don’t like. At least Bravo makes me feel a little better by showing us what Caroline’s gonna look like after a few more injections.

Over at Kathy’s, the fambly is getting ready for their own Christmas party. She doesn’t refer to it as Baby Jesus’ birthday, though, so it doesn’t count. Kathy’s mom is there, and she’s kind of a docile version of Sophia from The Golden Girls. Kathy is still mad that Teresa was rude to her at Mel’s, and Sophia tells a super long story about how she and her brother didn’t speak for decades and it was also over something stupid. The brother owed the husband a hundred and fifty bucks. LOL. Sorry to laugh, but the similarities are too rich. I wonder if her husband had a cock ring and man boobs. Anyway, they didn’t speak and one day she ran into the brother at the fish market and just started crying because she felt so regretful. The lesson? Don’t go to fish markets, I guess. I stopped paying attention. This bitch doesn’t shut up.

You know something, when I turn my hearing aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!

 

Melissa calls to say that they’re coming to the party, but they’re going to the JewDice’s first. Snapple: On Display Flavor. Kathy is nice about it, and Melissa hopes that they can all be together soon. Meh. I kinda like Kathy being frozen out. It opens her up to awesome storylines like trying to buy restaurants that are still open and not for sale. FF.

Time for some Dr. Bore-a advice! Yes, Caroline is let back into the radio station. The station manager dude asks her what she learned from last time in a super condescending tone. She’s not an idiot, station manager dude! She learned to wear green so they can green screen on a hot body for her.

Next up, weather. On my boobs.

Caroline seems a tiny bit less nervous, but she’s still awkward and hilarious. Some chick calls about how divorce isn’t the kids’ fault. Um, who’s giving advice here, hooker? Besides, usually divorce is the kids’ fault and no one has the guts to say it. It’s not that the kids are bad, they just turn the parents into horrible people. Next call! “A true friend says da truth!” “Fambly!” “Shut it!” Chris and Jacqueline are listening to the show at home, cuz the only other option was to go out and do something camera worthy of their own and we know that’s not ever gonna happen.

Chris decides to call the show. Man, these two can leech off story lines even when they’re not in the same room. That’s talent. Chris says that his adopted daughter is a little bitch. What should he do? Caroline recognizes his voice and tells him that he couldn’t try any harder. Wrong advice. Cut the butt faced bitch off and make her get a job at Denny’s. Duh. Caroline is really bad at this job.

Speaking of good parenting, let’s go over to Teresa’s.

Her baby’s being a fucker, her Dad’s eating with his mouth open, and her mother in law’s getting ready to beat the shit out of whoever crosses her path tonight. Long live Filomena!

Proudly showing off the cheap dough sack she ripped out of Witch Sister’s chest at the Christening.

Teresa always has Christmas Eve. “It’s my holiday.” I can’t wait for the part where she’s nailed to a cross. It’s not your day, it’s Baby Jesus’ birthday, haven’t you heard? She celebrates in the old Italian tradition called The Seven Fishes, which is where you make nine beef dishes. Juicy is gonna be in the bathroom til New Years. Thankfully, the baby is a walking wad of toilet paper.

Make yourself useful. Daddy’s leaking.

Gia got a ring from a boy! She says she doesn’t like the kid, but she’ll take the jewels. That kid was raised right. Grandpa jokes around and tells her to marry the kid cuz the ring looks like it was $300,000, and Teresa says he’s funny like everyone else in her family. Well, except the waitress her brother married. She has the last name Gorga, but not the personality. Which I’m sure her credit card companies are grateful for. She also somehow missed that Gorga forehead. And why is Teresa being such a bitch? Melissa just did everything she asked. Teresa probably tips like six percent.

Over at the Gorgaoyle’s, Melissa asks what Chrismas is. Her daughter answers that it’s when the fat old pervert guy makes you sit on his lap while he whispers about all the exciting presents he’ll give you if you take a ride with him in his creepy unmarked white van to find his lost puppy. Melissa nods. Yes. But you know what else it is? No, Melissa. Enlighten us all. Wait for it…

No wait longer, cuz the answer’s totally worth it.

…….

****************

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

IT’S JESUS’ BIRTHDAY!

Oh for Christ’s sake can I just fucking open a present, MOTHER?!?

The kids didn’t even know that Christmas was Jesus’ birthday, which is hilarious. Midge tells Melissa that he’s uncomfortable going to Teresa’s so he just wants to go inside, say hi and gtfo as fast as they can. WUSS! Melissa wants to stay longer, but he refuses to be around such classless brutes. He may have lost his temper at that Christening, but he didn’t throw any punches! Yeah only cuz you were being held back by men eight times your size. You threw fits and screeched like a little girl with her pony tail caught in the bus door, which was way more painful to watch. He’s tap dancing around it, but the real reason he’s scared shitless is obvious.

Melissa knows if they don’t show up it’s gonna be a mess, but Midge doesn’t wanna feel uncomfortable on Christmas. Put on a dress. That always seems to help. Meanwhile, the radio shrink likes to torture animals.

Caroline loves cooking for the holidays, and she always makes her dad’s special sauce. He came up with the recipe while he was broke and didn’t have anything to eat. From the looks of it, that dog helped make it. Ah, poor people. A little paprika can help any dish.

If you wear this sweater I won’t make you poop outside today.

Caroline has ten brothers and sisters, and it’s pure pain listening to her rattle off the guest list. I perk up when I hear Assley’s coming, though. I was worried there wouldn’t be anyone to play the donkey in the inevitable Nativity portion of the evening. Jacqueline tells us how haaaard the holidays are for Ass cuz she has two families. Ass! You got a Christmas card!

Fuck you ass face. Merry Christmas, A.

Chris asks Chris what Chris wants for Christmas. There seriously needs to be a Joe in this scene cuz I’m confused. Chris just wants peace this Christmas. AW! Assley says that she already got what she wants. Who asks for uneven eyebrows, stringy hair, and a butt face?

Oh. She meant the Jeep. Flashback to Ass saying that Chris’ money can lease her a car, but it can’t build a relationship. You know what it can build? A bottle of FrizzEase and a face that doesn’t scare children. Look into it. Little Chris brings up the Grannytelli drama, and Caroline says she was probably out of bounds but she doesn’t care about the clown. Chris just keeps babbling. Can we please cut to Filomena bricking someone’s windshield please? Nope. Chris and Albie make wacky Santa jokes. I think I’ll let Big Chris speak for me on this one.

The phone rings. It’s Albert. He got stuck in hooker vagina traffic but he’ll be there soon. Let’s talk about New Years Resolutions! Assley tells Chris “my resolution is I want you to like me!” That’s not a resolution. A resolution is “I’m going to be less of a candied umbrella nut tree.” Or “I’m going to find out what those salon thingies are all about so you’ll stop looking away every time I enter a room.” Or “I’m gonna buy face Spanx.”

Chris says that he loves Assley, but he doesn’t like how she behaves sometimes. She asks what she’s done lately that would make him feel that way. I’m no psychic, but Chris’ face isn’t that hard to read.

whinedaboutacaruntilyougotitcriedlikeabitchthatIwouldn’tpayforanycapartment
textedthroughyourbdaydinnerthatyoushoweduplateforpleasewashyourfacewhywereyouborn.

 

Chris says he loves Ass and wants her to be a good person. Or something. I stopped listening cuz watching Jacqueline eat is fascinating me.

Ass rolls her eyes and whines and plays with her straw hair while Chris calmly tries to explain what being a good person means. She doesn’t get it. Shocker. Chris, here’s what you need to say. “Stop sucking so much. And wax, for crying out loud.” Ass tells us that she’s done some bad things, but she’s really not a bitch. So calling your step dad out who’s taken care of you since you were five at a family gathering and turning his wish for peace into a cloying obnoxious bid for attention is….not bitchy. Noted. Oh God. Now she’s crying. NO ONE LIKES YOU CUZ YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, ASSLEY! Mystery solved. It didn’t take Jessica fucking Fletcher.

In the car on the way to Teresa’s, Melissa tries to get everyone in a good mood. It only works on the nanny, but she’s on the clock so she doesn’t count. Yes, it’s kind of obnoxious to take a nanny to a party. On the other hand, I wish all my friends with kids thought like this. It would save me a lot of fighting about how it’s not wrong to spank kids that aren’t mine.

Midge whines that he wants to get drunk cuz his family is so horrible. He and Smell rehash all the bs we’ve been over a million times. They’re totally nice and their family is mean. All Midge did at that Christening was politely ask Teresa to leave him alone. LOL!! It’s too bad he’s not a Texan. I’d love to see what he could do with history books. Mel tells him to get over it and they’ll concentrate on being better people. Then she points out that she brought cookies Teresa likes so bitch won’t throw them away again. HAHAHAH!! You guys, why is Teresa dressed like a whore? She knows whose birthday this is, right? Her right ass cheek is literally hanging out of this thing.

Teresa is close with Joe’s sister, and she’s worried that Melissa is gonna fuck it all up and make people like her with her personality and her cookies and her youth, so she made sure that Juicy has bigger boobs than Melissa so no one will stare.

Melissa tells us how forgiving she is and she hopes her cookies don’t get trashed. The family is all nice to each other and no one gets punched. Yet. Teresa starts off the festivities by telling Melissa she’s dressed like a slut for Baby Jesus’ bday. HAHAHAH! Ain’t that the herp calling the cold sore a blister.

Tre won’t let it go, and Mel just smiles and carries on. The guys all talk about banging their wives and show off their wooden teeth.

Tre says that Midge was always trying to hook up wit Marie when they played house as kids. The hooking up going on in those play dates is too disturbing to think about. Midge gets all sentimental and says that he was taught to love his brudda and he’s not doing it right. LOL. Santa comes, pervs out on the kids, and wait…are those Happy Meal toys from the charity party? Damn Teresa and her sticky fingers. Milania? Not impressed with Santa.

If you want any of the cancer kid’s toys you’ll smile for mama.

There it is!

Teresa talks the kid into believing that Nona is Santa. I would have bought Emeril, but Santa? No. Midge and Juicy are arguing about how dry their fish is or isn’t. This show really needs to stop with the sex lives. Midge says that he didn’t wanna come, but listening to Juicy berate him for every little thing he says is more fun than he remembers. Gia shows him her ring, and he threatens to kill the stud who’s trying to date her. Juicy is at the table behind them, and he starts loudly going off about Melissa, who’s not doing anything wrong that I can see. He says she’s a fuckin’ animal with a raccoon face and he doesn’t know why anyone would be wit ha. DAMN! Do you owe her money or something?

Wow. He’s a graceless prick, but I didn’t know he was this terrible. Tre sits on the couch with Midge and squees about how much fuuuuun this is! Then he says he’s going to Kathy’s for dinner. Dundunduuuuuuun!

I can’t imagine why he’d wanna leave right when that beautiful Christmas classic, “You’re Wife’s a Witch Whore and You’re a Fidget”, starts playing. Next week, Caroline gets a Rolex and Assley gets what she deserves. NOTHIN’.