Previously on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Gia fell off a balance beam cuz she thought her drarf uncle didn’t love her, Melissa texted a bunch of words to a twenty two year old from Kathy’s church, and we had to sit and watch Ramona unconvincingly prove that her husband was way too into her to be cheating. I’m sorry. That’s the wrong Housewives. It scarred me and I just. Can’t. Let go.
Speaking of Melissa’s song, I’ve been singing it all week. I’m not saying that to argue that the song is good. I’m saying it to lightly point out how sad I am on the inside. It’s a cry for help. So…..help.
Yeah, not helping.
We open with Dolores going to visit Caroline, who’s just received a package from the radio station. She got the job! That whole “facebook fucking isn’t cheating” thing really worked on the bored married station heads.
“I’ve got plans for you, Missy.”
Now she’s got a pie chart in front of her. Yellow = Bathroom breaks, Blue = Commercials, Green = News, Red = Number of times she’ll say “fambly”.
She’s proud of herself for taking a chance and going to ask for a job. She’s trying really hard to make us believe that this wasn’t just handed to her on a silver plated platter because she’s on a TV show, but no one’s buying it. It’s not just gonna be a free ride, though. She’s checking out her web page on the station’s site and they’ve Photoshopped her head onto a naked old lady body and there’s a donkey in the background ready to get molested. You didn’t really think they wanted you spewing your “enable your lazy stupid sons and ignore your vagina owning children” advice, did you? Take something off, slut!
Her friend practices taking calls with her. She pretends that she’s Teresa asking for advice. She speaks pretty good English, so it’s an automatic fail. Caroline goes with it and says that Teresa has to get in a room with Midge and battle it out, and the way Teresa talks makes Caro think that she’s put up a wall and is serving people cummin’, which is toxic. Great advice, but you’ve already told the real Teresa that and she’s not only ignored you, she infected the last dinner party she catered with chlamydia. The girls are sick of pretending to work, so they google Teresa instead.
Do I hear a hundred for the round grandma chairs with Juice stains on them? Anyone? Anyone?
Turns out Tre is broke and selling all her shit. Ruh-roh. That’s old news. If this were filmed more recently, Caroline would know that Juicy used his brothers id to get a new driver’s license after his was revoked for being drunk behind the wheel. Or that he forged contracts and will probably go to jail. Where’s she supposed to get her pizza now? She can’t call Little Caesar’s, cuz their logo reminds her too much of her brother and it’s just painful.
Melissa shaves Midge’s back crack and sack and gets him dressed for his meeting with Teresa. He tells us that he used to love Teresa but she changed and he’s sick of being hurt. Teresa’s getting ready too, and she tells us that Midge changed and it’s all Melissa’s fault. Midge is supposed to apologize, and Teresa is supposed to apologize. No one’s gonna apologize, but we already know that. I just hope they’re eating at a restaurant smart enough to bolt their table to the floor. Did Midge bring a gun? WTF?
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you a fidget?
He arrives at the restaurant dressed for a tribute to Miami Vice, and she arrives dressed like a Muppet that’s been in a terrible fire.
I’ll give you five dollars for that coat.
They sit there quietly for a minute, each waiting for the other to get on their knees, begging for forgiveness. It doesn’t happen, so they discuss the debt ceiling and whether or not the current military action in Libya should be called a war or not.
Whattaya feel bout Dostoevsky?
Midge starts coloring his kids’ menu and awkwardly compliments Gia on the gym meet she fucked up cuz he was five hours late. Then he brings up the letter and whips it out of his pocket. He reads “I’m sorry I hurt you and your fambly.” What does it mean? She’s immediately flustered. She can’t seem to remember writing it. She asks “whattaya mean??” She doesn’t understand how she hurt him in the first place and wants him to spell it out. Unfortunately, they are from the same gene pool so spelling anything is off the table.
He tries to pin her down and get her to man up to the apology. She won’t. She just gives them that old “I’m sorry you broke my haht” kind of a way. Fortunately, the waiter comes over and pours them some wine reeeeally slooooowly. I didn’t even know wine could come out of bottles that slowly. When he leaves, Midge accuses Teresa of “neglectin my fambly…my wife!” She gives him a wtf look and he tells her to stop acting like a brat and just tawk. Rememba dat Christening? That was so embarrassing! He won’t let her get a word in to say “um but you’re the violent one who started randomly swinging at your guests and then cried like a little girl and screamed at our parents,” so the editors slip it in for her.
Young man, you can scream and yell and cry all you want, but you’re not riding Space Mountain until you’re as tall as the red line.
Midge continues that he used to love Juicy, but then Teresa talked so great about Midge that Juice started hating him. Wait. What? For real? That’s the drama? Apparently, yes. Teresa loved her tiny little eggheaded brother so much that she couldn’t stop bragging on him and Juicy got jealous. Remember when Flowers in the Attic was just a creepy fictional story about siblings in love? Now it’s a Bravo show that kicks English in the nuts week after week. How far we’ve come, America.
Teresa confirms that it’s true she loved her brother so much she always put him before her husband. Then Kathy told her to stop doing that. It was the first time Kathy had a table flipped on her face. Aw, memories. Ter agrees, but says that Midge and Joe were always fine with each other until Midge got married. Oh, and for those of you who can’t understand why I don’t call him Fidget Joe instead of Midget Joe, I like the name Midge. Midge was Barbie’s slutty friend that got knocked up, and it makes me giggle.
He’s immediately defensive that Tre just blamed his wife for everything, and then he tells us the romantic story of how they met. He saw her at a pool in Cancun. She was wearing a leopard print bikini. SHOCKER! They didn’t talk, but six months later he saw her at the Jersey Shore. Did I call this romantic? I meant super classy.
She was working three jobs, so he won her over by promising to make her rich and put her on a pedestal. Once he agreed to put himself on a pedestal for family photos, she was in. He winks at us and says “that’s how you know you love someone.” Man. He just told us he basically bought his hot wife and he thinks it’s the most romantic story in the world. LOL.
Pedestals for everybody!
Teresa tells us that Midge was engaged to some random hooker, broke up with her. Found another one, broke off that engagement too. Well, you know the saying about guys like Midge. Third time’s a penis! I mean, charm. Ah well, maybe number four will be a penis. In the meantime, he’s married so some random poor waitress and Teresa thinks Mel is just after Midge’s money. From what he just told us, she’s not wrong. What else did he have to offer? But so what? In LA guys buy wives all the time. You still have to be nice to them. It’s called good business sense.
She says that Mel put a wedge in between them. I am gonna give her the benefit of the doubt on that one, cuz I could swear that she said “Youah wife put a wedgie between us.” He doesn’t know how to argue with that, so he basically “you ah!”s her and says that she’s fake cuz she calls Caroline and Jacqui her fambly and even her good friends say that she’s changed. Good friends like….Kathy! HAHAHAH! Teresa calls bs on that and says if Kathy’s shit talking her, it’s only because she’s friends with the Applebee’s waitress he married.
Tre says that she and Kathy used to be super close. She even let Kathy do her hair a lot, which explains why Tre is pretty much all wig these days.
This is what started global warming.
Tre says that Kathy is two faced and she stopped being friends with her when she started hanging out with the waitress. Midge is pissed that Teresa won’t say “I fucked up.” “I’m ya goddamn brotha!” You’re a tiny little ape. I hate you for making me side with Teresa through six episodes. Teresa says that Midge didn’t even tell her congrats on her book. But she never invited him to a book signing and he doesn’t have facebook or books in general and he doesn’t even know what dat means, writin’ a book or somethin’. She says that a congrats would have made her happy, but he still won’t give it to her. He rolls his eyes and accuses her of being a terrible aunt. This can’t really be a real fight until these two stay on topic for thirty fucking seconds. FOCUS.
She asks how she can get around the waitress issue and get to be close with Midge again. He says she hurt Mel’s feelings, and then she says Mel hurt her feelings with the “enjoy your used up re-done home you monkey faced bitch fart.”
He says that was retaliation for telling them that they only finished their home cuz they got a loan. HAHAH. OHMYGODWHATISWRONGWITHYOULOSERS? Seriously? I was honestly hoping that there was some deep dark secret that was tearing these two apart, and it turns out they hate each other cuz neither one ever took the time to properly learn English and communicate. They should just grunt and throw poop at each other.
Mel has a whole list of issues with Teresa. Teresa would have a list too if she could hold a pen properly. Midge says that Tre is in their parents’ ears and turning them against his family. He says that even if he married a whore, the family should support her and be nice cuz dat hooah gave birth to Midge’s babies. Teresa says if Mel is nice, she’ll be nice, but she doubts that Mel can be anything but cold. Midge says she might be cold but she’s still a good person. Cold and nice. Like air conditioning. And who doesn’t like air conditioning? There. All better. No?
Nothing is getting accomplished. Teresa just wants to know what they need to do to get past this and says she misses her brother. He stares at her with dead eyes while she cries. He says he will always love her, but she has to work it out with mom and his wife. So she has to make the mom hate him less and make the wife hate her less. They leave before paying. As they do.
Let’s get the hell out of this restaurant before I choke myself to death. Kathy and Rich are going to have dinner with the Gorgaoyle’s accountants. They would have had dinner with the JewDice’s accountant, but he’s busy putting little green stickers on all the JewDice’s belongings tonight, so they’ll meddle in someone else’s affairs. Mrs. Accountant has a private chef, and Kathy says that the food was ok but she needs to write a book that the help can read to learn a little something. Mrs. Accountant will listen to food advice, but Kathy needs to never try to open her mouth with hair advice or her ass is out of the dinner party circuit for good.
Ding dong! The Gorgaoyle’s are there! Mel immediately brings up the meeting with Midge and Teresa. Midge says that Teresa was ok but he suspects she was being fake and she’s gonna have to make his mommy like him again or he’s not interested in being her brother. Kathy asks if Teresa is open to talking to Mel, and he says yes. At that, she rolls her eyes and shrugs. Was that not the answer you were looking for, meddler? Melissa doesn’t want a one on one confrontation. She’d rather talk behind Teresa’s back to her witch sisters and make them act like white trash in her place. Mel says that if Teresa apologizes, everything will be fine. Kathy is still shaking her head and rolling her eyes. Teresa says that Kathy does her best to keep Melissa hating her, and that seems about right. She’s earned every ounce of bad will, but still. Mel adds that once they patch things up, she’s gonna make Teresa be nice to Kathy too. Oh lord. There Will Be Blood.
Kathy tells us that Teresa has been rude about her family members and she’s done trying with her. “You have to be accountable for what you say to other people. Ya learn that in the sandbox, honey!” You also learn that mean girls will kick sand in your eye if you fuck with them. I suspect that’s why Kathy is worried about a reconciliation. She doesn’t wanna have to follow Melissa back into the sandbox with Teresa. And I don’t blame her. Kathy tells Melissa to make up with Teresa for herself and she’ll deal with her during her own episode.
Mrs. Accountant says that she invited Teresa to her kid’s b-day party and she didn’t even respond. So rude! Um, you’re the help, honey. She probably got that invite and changed her email address so you could stop spamming her with e-vites. Midge says that Teresa is having a hard time in the papers, and Mr. Accountant laughs that they are trying to buy back their furniture. Pretty funny to Mr. Accountant, which is odd because he should know how many bills Midge has been skipping out on. He’s been sued 26 times since 2002 for skipping out on bills, from what “da papas” are saying this week.
Ain’t that the poop chute callin the asshole a stinker?
Kathy tsks tsks to us that mindless spending will catch up to you. Let’s hope so. I can’t wait for the Very Special The Gorgas are Poor Now episode. Melissa says that she would have helped Teresa if she was willing to kiss her ass like everyone else on her payroll. “Ya need fambly! She needs to realize that!” You need a shoulder wax.
Caroline gets ready for her first day on the air. She’s nervous because she has to read commercials, the weather and the traffic. She will make them all sound extremely depressing. And what the hell kind of radio station is this?
Jacqui comes over to Teresa’s house under the guise of having books for her to sign. She didn’t wanna waste money on Skinny Italian, so she brought over some Bibles and a Highlights she stole from the doctor’s office. Teresa launches into her story about the meeting, going on about how she never did anything and Melissa’s a bitch. Jacqui looks like, just once, she’d like to talk about what kind of day she’s having.
My fillers sunk to my jowls and my upper lip has completely died and will probably fall off like I’ve got leprosy. Does anyone care? No. I wonder if there’s food here. Hey how much is that couch?
Teresa says that it was a quickie marriage, and at dinner in the beginning of their relationship, Melissa made a comment that she was smart for marrying a rich dude, unlike her ugly witch sisters that wouldn’t get in shape to wear a leopard print bikini. Awkward Juicy call alert! Jacqui looks thrilled at getting to listen to even more of Teresa’s drama.
Juicy insists on speakerphone with Tre that all the stuff coming out on CNN is just a lie. Teresa seems completely unfazed by the fact that her skidmarked laundry has been all over the national news all day. She hangs up, assures Jacqui that the media is making up a bunch of lies and then gets back to hating Melissa. Jacqui just smiles and nods at her dependably delusional friend.
Jacqui tells us that sisters in law should at least try to get along. Sure, she punched Caroline in the face once. Now they’re fine! Fuckin’ New Jersey. I can’t believe they haven’t passed a law yet requiring everyone to wear helmets at all times. SAT scores would probably go up at least a little.
Jacqui tries giving sane advice, but Teresa stops her and says her stupid advice is pissing her off. She’s not kidding. You can tell she’s mad cuz Milania shows up at the door. That little fucker can smell violence a mile away.
Hit her or I will!
J suggests Teresa call Melissa to meet somewhere neutral, like her house. Why in the world would you invite Teresa over to fight in your house? She’s probably wanting to remodel her living room on the insurance company’s dime and doesn’t wanna wait for Assley to start a fire.
Caroline is at the radio station with her kid that has a vagina. Man she really must be nervous to include that outcast. I’m nervous for the first person she calls “gahbage”. Some porny seventies music comes on, and then the donkey is brought in. She starts by apologizing for being scared shitless. Her first topic is family feuds. Way to not ride the Housewives coattails to try and make a buck. No one’s calling in, so she stutters and stumbles around for awhile, trying to avoid the giant donkey boner that’s smacking her in the face.
Some chick calls in and says she hates her Italian mother. Caroline’s advice is to “make it work”. She’s not making a dress out of lettuce, Caroline. The questions are all pretty simple, and her advice is simpler. Your kid’s a brat? Hit her. Your car’s out of gas? Go to the gas station. You signed up to do a radio show and now you’re supposed to make internet perverts horny with a donkey? Me too! Housewives fans start calling in pretty regularly and it’s a struggle to not push FF. The birth of Dr. Bore-a.
Kathy’s at home listening to Dr. Bora trying not to roll her eyes as she tells us how much she respects Caroline. Someone calls about a bitch sister in law with the same story as Teresa. They’re putting the production assistants to work pretty hard tonight. She says that you just need to learn to say I’m sorry. Teresa is listening in the car and almost runs off the road while punching the radio. “Easy fa you ta say, Caroline!” Calm down. Juicy’s already without two licenses. You get pulled over, you’re both on the bus.
The next day, Melissa is gathering her harpies for emotional support. Witch Sister number one is there first, and then Kathy arrives. Sister doesn’t like that Mel is going to Jacqui’s. Well, they’d do it in your studio apartment, but the entire production crew can’t fit into it. Kathy thinks it’s ok, and says it’s probably better that there’s a sane person there and if she had to talk to Teresa she’d want her to bring a friend. As a witness. Witch Sister is not liking that this meeting is going down. What if she and Teresa make up?!?! She might have to actually go out into the world and make a fucking friend. Mel assures her that “if I really wanted to, I could eat her alive.” Uh-huh. But your sisters would have to hold her down and cut her up for you. Ya pussy.
Over at Jacqui’s, Caroline and Jacqui are waiting. They joke that public places don’t work out well for JewDice fights, and Caroline says she doesn’t wanna be there for the showdown. Yet here you are. Caroline tells us that Jacqui has more tolerance for idiots than she does. Unless the idiots are her sons. Teresa comes in and Caroline tells her that she’s proud of Teresa to make an effort. Teresa gets a little defensive and says that family is just as important to her as it is to them. Awkward pause. Jacqui offers Tre some coffee and a sedative. Teresa doesn’t refuse either. Caroline is done with Teresa, and I love watching her face.
Teresa tells them that she wants to go to the Catskills with the whole group. But no kids! Caroline just wants to make sure there’s running water and that cops won’t bust down the doors while they’re there. Then she asks flat out what the hell’s gonna happen today. Teresa just wants to be a fambly! Caroline has a radio show now, and she already gave advice about this today, so she repeats it verbatim to Teresa and tells her to put on her big girl panties and get over it. Teresa doesn’t like that advice, and keeps turning the salt shaker to get a different station. She looks like she just got spanked.
Caoline leaves, and Jacqui’s nervous. Teresa insists that she’s calm and she’s slurring a little. Jacqui probably tranquilized her coffee. Tre is acting kinda creepy, and it just makes Jacqui more and more nervous. Mel comes bearing a cheap bottle of wine, and Jacqui settles them in the study at a table. UGH. WHY A TABLE?!? DON’T DO IT? Silence while Mel and Tre stare at each other. Teresa says she wants to make things better for their whole family, cuz it’s the most important thing to her. I was expecting a “me too!”, but Mel’s pissed. She says this isn’t about family. Oh lord. I can’t wait til next week to see what it is about. I have a feeling it will be “you ah!” “you ah!” “you ah!” part two. More importantly, I can’t wait to see if that table survives the scene. See you then!! xo