RHONJ: You Give Housewives A Bad Name

****Flipit here! I have moved to Big Brother and Project Runway for the rest of the season! I will be back for RHOBH. I wanted to get the perfect writer to take over, and I think I did! Please welcome ChickBomb back to TVgasm after an Audrina induced hiatus! Enjoy.

Hello gorgeous dolls!  Let me start by telling you I have been trying to get my hands on The Real Housewives of New Jersey since the day the first preview aired.  I have had full on Milania-style tantrums over it.  You see, I’m a Jersey girl too and I get these people.  I appreciate a good crucifix ice sculpture like you have no idea.  And as fate would have it, when I got the call to do this, I happened to actually be in Jersey, where I still have family and the radio stations still play old Bon Jovi songs.

So let’s do this thing!

Well, Christmas in Franklin Lakes is finally over and now we’re moving on to New Years, which judging by Christmas should take us through approximately four more episodes. It’s time for Caroline to sit on her perch and preach at New Jersey’s top community college radio station. They identify the sound engineer by name on the screen, which I find a little confusing. Is he somehow integral to the plot? Does Joe Guidice owe him money too?

And the topic of the day is New Years resolutions. The first caller is a woman whose kids want her to stop smoking. Caroline tells her she should do it. Advice dispensed, problem solved! I love the way she tackles the complex issues of the women of New Jersey. She does spice it up with an adorable story about four year old Albie making her wear a seatbelt by telling her, in a lisp, “Better thafe than thorry!” Awww. Some folks are just born cute.

Then we cut to Melissa, sitting in her black Escalade dripping in a fur and diamonds. I will tell you right now, I love this about Melissa. I’m onboard with anyone who would drape themselves in mink to sit in a car and listen to the radio. Oh, but she has another mission too and that’s calling Teresa. This is neatly tied in with Caroline’s radio show, where she’s now lecturing a caller who wants to know what to do when you’re being nice to someone and they’re not being nice back. Well, tell the teacher of course. Oh – but they mean for grown ups.

So I guess this is supposed to mean that Melissa is being the nice one, reaching out to Teresa. And I guess she is. She calls Teresa, who in my opinion sounds high when she answers the phone. She does nothing to dispel this theory when she informs Melissa that she’s “munching on everything”. Melissa reminds her that they had promised to get the kids together to play over the never ending Christmas break, and Teresa immediately grabs for the now standard Guidice excuse of “I had the stomach flu.”

My family always has the shits.  But don’t let that stop you from buying the cookbook.

After an awkward conversation, Teresa finally and very unenthusiastically agrees to bring the kids over to play. Come on, it’s a playdate, she didn’t ask you to cut off limbs or dress them in LL Bean or something. It is at this point that I think I notice Melissa’s fur thing has a hood, and I get all distracted with that and forget why Teresa’s being pissy with Melissa now. I thought they made up? My Housewives viewing buddy, the insanely gorgeous and clever Razzar reminds me it was because of Melissa and Joe’s choice to ditch the furniture-less Christmas at the Guidice’s in favor of Kathy’s, where there was sure to be some kind of cannoli art.

Then it’s time to check in with Jacqueline. Razzar and I agree that Chris Laurita is hot and a sweetheart, and we can’t figure out what he’s doing with a dud like Jaquee. I’m just giving her that name to make her more interesting. Of course the topic of the night is loser Ashley. I don’t know what Jacqee did to create such a spoiled monster, but I give her some credit for at least trying to fix it now. This time it’s Grandpa’s turn at bat. He heads upstairs and opens by telling Ashley how messy her room is.

I’m supposed to clean my room and commute to work? Hahahahahah.

And then, something shocking happens! Grandpa notices that Ashley is doing a sketch of Marilyn Monroe, and compliments on her. At first I assume it must be crap and he’s just being nice but then they zoom in and it’s good! And then they start showing some other artwork around the room, and it’s really good! Razzar and I look at each other in confusion. Neither one of us wants to be the first to admit it but is it possible this worthless lump has something to contribute creatively? We decide she does, and not only that but we love her sparkly gold nail polish.

Grandpa reinforces that the family really feels that Ashley has artistic talent, but they can’t seem to light a fire under her to do anything about it. She tells us that she considers herself talented as well, but she just never considered art as a career. Then she says something about being burnt out. I hope she means from being a whiney spoiled asshole, cause I’m tiring of that too.

But alas no, because she then goes on to complain about not liking deadlines. Well then, by all means keep sitting in your room sketching that long road to nowhere. No particular deadline for that. Grandpa basically says the same thing, only his argument seems to be pulled out of his ear. “I’m retired and I still have deadlines!” he scolds her. For what?

Well, we usually like to get the motor home out here before you’re done filming for the season.

And then we head over to the Manzos, where we are treated to the delightful view of Albert trimming his mustache. It’s just non-stop action over there. Caroline calls Kathy with a smug grin that just screams, “I’m about to start some shit!” and extends an invitation to Kathy and her family to attend the world famous Brownstone New Years party. She acknowledges that Teresa isn’t going to be happy about it, but, well that’s the point of starting shit, right? Of course Kathy accepts, desperate to join the cool clique of Franklin Lakes.

Continuing with the Manzos, let’s check in with Lauren. What’s her uneducated lazy ass up to these days? Well, it’s another Manzo family sponsored business, complete with a glowing report from her proud Mama about how hard Lauren has worked for her immense success. Please, her only success that I can see so far was being born to rich parents who happened to land a reality TV show that she could leverage off of. Well done! You are a role model to the talentless everywhere.

By the way, the business in question is a makeup salon – which you probably already knew, based on this phenomenal look.

And why does Lauren think she will be a successful business owner? Why, because she hates having a boss! If someone tells her to do something, she won’t do it. Huh. Hopefully her employees won’t have this problem, because something tells me that Lauren is going to be the kind of boss who’s up in your face reminding you of who’s the boss every other minute.

And she immediately proves me right by taking a meeting with Ashley, who she has commissioned to design t-shirts for the new shop. Because before you do anyone’s makeup, you want to make sure you have the right t-shirt for…well, I don’t know what exactly she needs the t-shirt for, but you know, when you’re starting a business with someone else’s money, who cares? We’re in Lauren Manzo’s world now, where businesses are started for the sole purpose of so you don’t have to be told what to do. Profit? Whatevs.

Anyway, back to the Ashley meeting, if you can stop laughing over the plain fact of these two dimwits having any kind of “business” meeting. Ashley has sketched two t-shirt options for Lauren – one with lipstick writing and lips, and one with an array of makeup brushes across the hem of the shirt. Naturally, our little power player over here immediately not only discards Ashley’s designs, but also insults them. All she sees is dirty brushes on a shirt, and she had specifically asked for a face on the shirt. And of course it’s all topped off with a snotty, “I’m the client.”

And I learned my management philosophy from Milania.

There are three things worth noting here. One, Razzar and I again agree that Ashley’s designs are fresh and cool looking – honestly, I thought the lipstick one had a cool 80s look and I would have worn it – funny how Lauren the “artist” wants a t-shirt designed to look like the cover of every makeup book I’ve ever seen.

Two, if you’re the kind of person who won’t do something just because someone else told you to do it, what gives you the right to expect that anyone who works for you would either? And three, surprise, surprise, Lauren isn’t paying Ashley. Which actually, makes her less of a client and more of just a jerk. And let me tell you, looking like a jerk next to Ashley is no easy thing to do. But as Lauren sits there being a rude bitch about the work she isn’t even paying Ashley to do, and Ashley sits there politely taking it, it is clear that Lauren has achieved this near impossible feat.  Congrats. I guess?

Let’s get back to the Gorgas house, where little Antonia is on a loop of “When are they gonna be here?”, referring to the long awaited playdate with the Guidice kids. Antonia, who seems pretty observant for a five-year old seems to think they might not show. Sure enough, over at the Giudice’s we are greeted with what I’m sure is the daily battle cry of “Milania, don’t start!” coming from Teresa. Milania’s response is to take all her clothes out of the drawer and fling them on the floor.

“Why are you doing that?” asks Teresa. Because you let her, babe. Teresa informs us of the obvious fact that Milania is definitely a terror, and does that make her late sometimes? Yes, she answers herself sharply. Oh come on, any excuse with this one. If it was LA, she’d be the one complaining how she’s always late because of traffic. And Razzar quite intuitively points out that letting Milania pull off all her rotten behavior is simply a set up to excuse the inevitable lateness to the playdate that she never wanted to go to in the first place.

I can only agree more when Teresa then tells Milania to re-fold the clothes and put them back in the drawer nice. Because there’s a real chance of that happening, with enough time to spare to get to the Gorgas. Oh, and we learn that this is all going down at 3:45 PM. Playdate is at 4 PM. Cut to 5:20, when Melissa is telling us that Teresa lives five minutes away so there’s really no reason to be late.   Teresa the top notch disciplinarian informs Milania that she’s the mother and everyone wears what she says they wear. Okay, but where was this firm hand two hours ago, when there was actually a chance of getting out of the house on time?

And still, they don’t make it into the car until 6:28 PM, nearly two and a half hours late for the playdate. Not to mention the fact that these are all kids under age 5, who by 6:30 PM should be eating dinner and getting ready for bathtime, not first getting started on their playdate. The Guidice kids are nearly killing each other in the car, and Razzar once again points out that Teresa has basically sabotaged the kids’ good time.

When they finally arrive at the Gorgas, Antonia and Gino (I think that’s the boy’s name) are arguing over who has to play with Milania. Gino’s not feeling it, because Milania chokes him. I can not wait for this kid’s inevitable crime spree. At the rate we’re going, it might happen before puberty. Anyway, the kids are all happy to see each other. Gia, who’s a bit older than the rest, prances in decked out in a fedora and a leopard jacket. Actually, every one of them is wearing some kind of animal print. Zebra, leopard, fur – kind of a fuck you to Darwinism, don’t you think?

And after a day of fighting with her kids in order to not get them to the playdate, Teresa is ready for a glass of wine. Over in the playroom, Milania is wrecking havoc and calling Antonia’s dolls ugly. We get a glimpse of some other kid with bangs and Razzar wants to know if that’s the milkman’s kid. It’s not, it’s middle child Gabriela.  Gia is wandering around being hungry after gymnastics. Melissa offers her a chicken cutlet, which Teresa tries to deny her with the argument that they’re going out to dinner. Really? At what time are you planning on taking all your tiny kids out to dinner? And with what money?

But chicken cutlets and milkman’s kid be dammed, as it soon becomes clear that Melissa has used the playdate to lure Teresa in for a sit-down. And what better time than a 7 PM playdate? The topic is Kathy. These people really can not leave things alone. Now that Melissa and Teresa have been made up for a whole ten minutes, she wants Teresa to make things right with busybody Kathy. She brings up Teresa’s rudeness to Kathy at the Christmas party, and Teresa tells her that she just didn’t feel like talking about their problems at the party, which is actually fine, and which I actually agree with.

But then of course Teresa has to sour the sentiment by telling Melissa, “She’s your buddy. I’m your sister in law, but that’s fine.” Then she kicks Gia out of the room, which was probably stupid considering Gia’s approximately a million times smarter and more mature than she is. I have to tell you that I love Gia, she’s my favorite in this cast. Ever since Season One, when they moved into the new house. While her idiot parents wandered around handing out cash to movers, Gia siphoned two of the workers off to move suitcases into her bedroom. She even carried one of the suitcases herself. A seven year old (at that time) who makes things happen is totally my kind of girl.

And so with the clever  nine year old out of the room, Melissa and Teresa are free to engage in the most mean spirited, passive aggressive conversation, well, ever. Melissa points out that Teresa never had a problem with Kathy until the fashion show. The problem, if you don’t recall because I sure didn’t, was that Kathy confronted Teresa with the fact that she had wheeled her baby stroller out of the room during the Christening melee, Teresa denied it despite the whole thing having been caught on camera, and a feud was born.

Teresa tells Melissa that Kathy has another side, and then tells her, “Let me see if you’re gonna like this one, Miss Melissa.” Miss Melissa? Please, you may as well just have called her c*&t. We all know that’s what you meant. So the big fact that Miss Melissa is now to hear is that even though Teresa was Kathy’s only cousin on her mother’s side here in America (got that??), she didn’t ask Teresa to be in her wedding. So Kathy’s been married at least 16 years. You have nothing better to do in life than hold a grudge for this? She did you a favor, you know. I’m positive Kathy’s bridesmaid concoctions included some kind of feather bustier – oh wait, missing out on that was probably the real reason Teresa was upset about it.

Melissa points out that Teresa got her back by not asking Kathy to be in her wedding either. Point Melissa. So Teresa changes courses and starts blaming it on Kathy’s husband Rich, the Lebanese Dilbert. See, the real problem was Teresa was just tired of hanging out with him. Furthermore, Teresa continues, it’s clear that Dilbert is in love with her, and that’s a problem too. Based on what? Well, he gives her a hard time. Melissa points out that Dilbert gives her a hard time to, but she’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to have sex with her.

Who’d ya rather?

Another point for Melissa. Then, and this would be classic if it wasn’t so pathetically distorted, Teresa claims that Dilbert simply is not a gentleman, and that her Joe would never insult people the way Dilbert did. My jaw hits the floor. Look, Dilbert’s no Cary Grant, but is she somehow implying that the jowly, irritable fat brown smurf she’s married to is somehow more of a gentleman than Dilbert? Dilbert, who as far as I can see still has a furnished home and manages to get his ass out of bed every morning to provide for his family?

And again, there’s Melissa with the quick comeback! She reminds Teresa of the time Joe called Kathy fat. And this is the best – Teresa excuses this one by telling Melissa that because the comment was not made to Kathy’s face, it does not qualify as an insult.

Well. Then neither does this recap, I guess.

So the count according to me is now Melissa 3, Teresa 0. Then, because the conversation is going along just so very swimmingly, Melissa puts on her fakest smile and asks Teresa about her new cookbook. She asks if it’s a family cookbook, which she already knows it is, and when Teresa confirms, this is how the conversation goes:

Melissa: So do you want my recipes?

Teresa: Do you have any?

Melissa: Do you want any?

Teresa: Well, it’s done now.

I end up fishing through the sofa searching for the IQ points that I’m sure fell out of my head listening to this. Melissa giggles and offers a pork recipe, and Teresa advises us in her interview that “we all know that bitch doesn’t cook.” Well, Gia seemed pretty happy with her chicken cutlet. Just saying.  But overall, point Teresa. I saw where Melissa was going with the recipe jab, but she’s just too stupid to pull it off.

With Teresa’s fake career update out of the way, let’s get to Melissa’s. She proudly informs Teresa of her burgeoning singing career. Teresa is shocked. When did singing come about, she wants to know? Well, apparently, Melissa has always sang to Joe and Teresa should know this. Teresa kind of laughs at the singing thing, and she hasn’t even heard the “On Display, On Display, On Display” song yet. Um, can we talk about the song for a minute? I know it’s a horror, but it pops into my head about 10 times a day and I always have to sing it out loud.  I am convinced it’s the new Tardy For The Party, but my “On Display, On Display, On Display” outbursts nearly got me kicked out of Razzar’s house during our little viewing party.

Melissa very defensively tells her that everyone’s really happy about the singing, so Teresa should be nice. Well, perhaps, but kind of an unfair expectation after you gave her shit about the family cookbook. I would have called this one a draw, but then Gia sneaks back into the conversation to call Melissa out with a devious smirk and tells her, “Sing for us.”

“Yeah, sing for us!” yells Teresa, not at all bothered that she requires a nine year old to fight her battles for her. But still, she did somehow manage to birth and raise the force that is Gia, so point Teresa. Melissa as usual will not sing. This time, she’s “not allowed” because she has to rest her voice. All that lip-synching in the studio really strains the vocal chords, you know. But she does offer to show everyone her new recording studio in the basement, where the fake magic happens. She then likens herself to The Little Mermaid, and casts Teresa as the mean octopus who’s out to steal her voice.

I’m sooooo Ariel. Only with a sequined Chinchilla fin.

The hilarious part is when the kids get behind the microphone and start lip-synching the exact same way Melissa does. I’m sure it’s equipped with the most expensive AutoTune equipment money can buy, but I’m also pretty sure you still have to actually record something first. “Can you believe Joe did this?” Melissa asks. “Yeah, ’cause he doesn’t want you to go to New York,” Teresa retorts. Which if you remember from last week was the exact reason why he did it! Nailed it.

Final playdate score a tie, 3 to 3. I gave Teresa the last point because as far as we know, Milania made it through the playdate without hospitalizing a cousin and I think that’s a step in the right direction.

And then it’s time for the grand New Years party at the Brownstone. Caroline, Lauren and Jacquee …well, they’re doing what they can do to get beautiful for the event. Caroline ends up with slicked back hair that her sons accuse her of styling after a 50′s greaser. Chris tells her she looks like she’s about to pull a razor blade out at a milkshake joint, which was actually hilarious.

And I know where the bodies are buried, too.

Jacquee still looks like she’s spinning right round like a record baby and as for Lauren’s look, let’s just say it’s doing nothing to promote the makeup biz. Bratty Ashley is trying to bring her friends to the party. Caroline immediately says no and reminds everyone that Ashely is underage and she’s not going to play cop to her and her friends. And if Ashley doesn’t like it, she can stay home. Take notes, Jacquee. It’s not too late, you probably haven’t screwed the little boy up yet. Well, besides the Ed Hardy baby clothes. That’s a tough recovery. For any human being.

And then, the best part of any Housewives episode ever – we hit the Giudices, and the first thing we see is Milania running up to Joe yelling, “Give me pizza you old troll!”

Milania for president!

While Milania’s no Gia, I’ve always been fond of the little monster – she is 100% committed to her wretched brattiness, and I admire that kind of commitment to anything. Then she smears blue eyeshadow and red lipgloss all over her face, puts on a pair of Teresa’s thigh high leopard print boots and tries to beat up the milkman’s kid. The only thing that could make this better is Teresa on camera telling us how well behaved her girls are, and how proud that makes her as a Mom. The only thing that could make that better, is her saying it with a straight face, which she absolutely does.

Over at the Gorgas, Melissa is getting her makeup spackled on by someone identified onscreen as George Miguel. I have no idea why this guy has to be name checked either, but it soon becomes clear as Joe Gorga struts down the stairs in a muscle shirt and starts making sex eyes at George. I have no other way to describe how he was looking at him. Even George Miguel look uncomfortable. Melissa informs us that while queen bee Caroline and her sidekick Jacquee have heard stories about her, they can see that she’s real. Oh, I think we have the next song title. If J Lo hasn’t taken that one already, which I think she actually might have.

Kathy shows up at the Gorgas to steal a little of George Miguel’s magic. She was surprised that her family was included at the party, but that’s just what happens when you’re all on a TV show together. Melissa makes sure to remind Kathy of how badly Teresa snubbed her at the Christmas party. I almost side with Kathy on this thing, because even though she is a meddler, I like all her little sayings but then she gets on camera to say, “It’s not my job to raise Teresa – somebody’s already done that.” Oohh, low. Not just insulting her, but Teresa parents (also Kathy’s aunt and uncle) too.  Tell me more about how much you all respect the concept of family.

Then Melissa starts whining about the cookbook thing, and also throws in that Teresa told her if she really wanted to be mean, she could show a picture of what Melissa used to look like. Which the Bravo producers kindly do anyway, probably to prove the point that once again, Teresa is full of shit. Melissa looks the same as she does today, only with less makeup and more mousse. Of course Melissa argues that she doesn’t wear makeup now either.

All natural, baby.

Caroline, Lauren and Lauren’s friends (one hot, one not) are in the car and Lauren is starting the year with a huge fake ring squeezed onto her sausage finger, in hopes that that the fake will turn to a real one sometime in 2011. Cause every girl’s dream is a butcher in Upstate Bumblefuck. Caroline tells her it’s not about how you look, it’s about how you feel. And Lauren rightly corrects her by telling her that you look like a busted mess on the outside, there’s no way you can be happy on the inside, and because she looks like a busted mess 75% of the time, she knows this for a fact. I love it when they write this for me.

Caroline tells us that Lauren got the Manzo genes which are fat,  while she, Caroline, has the skinny Laurita gene.   And as a lifelong weight fluctuator with a 5″10′ rail thin Mommy, I kind of feel Lauren’s pain on this one. My Mom came to me at age 60 wondering what the barely-there fat that had just developed above her waist was. “They’re love handles, Mom,” I replied through clenched teeth, “I’ve had them since about age 16.” But Caroline makes nice in the end, telling Lauren if she’s this excited about New Years, she can’t imagine how she’ll be at her wedding.

Everyone gets to the party, and I have to admit it looks like fun! Of course we are advised of the exclusivity of the Brownstone party. And then, Caroline takes Jacquee and Teresa into the bathroom to blindside Teresa. Because this is the time she chooses to inform her that Kathy is coming to the party. Didn’t I tell you Caroline was starting shit? Why would she wait until they were actually at the party to tell Teresa this? At least give the girl a day or so to make her peace with it and practice her fake smile.

Teresa tries to make her case by telling Caroline and Jacquee that her brother didn’t stay at her Christmas party because of Kathy’s party, which was clearly Kathy’s fault. And then the tide kind of turns…and Caroline and Jacquee tell Teresa that since the Gorgas made plans to attend Kathy’s Christmas first because they weren’t speaking to the Giudices at that time, they did nothing wrong. They then tell her that they don’t want to get sucked into drama, which is of course a total lie, and Teresa is clearly unhappy.

And then Kathy shows up with some homegrown gift basket, with her trademark Mardi Gras feather theme. Then, Teresa who has reached new levels of delusion, tells us that Kathy’s bakery business is clearly a copy of Teresa’s cookbook.

Of course. Because you invented cooking.

Melissa looks like Michael Jackson in a black suit, white shirt and fedora talking about how Teresa should just be nice. Then we focus on Brown Smurf and Dilbert, who have some strange kind of guy bonding ritual in which they yell sweet endearments to each other like “dickface” and “cocksucker”. Let me remind you that it was these two whose gentlemanliness was debated in Melissa’s kitchen.

The Gentleme- oh, I can’t even write it.  Not even as a joke.

Teresa and Kathy tell us that the boys have  always had this kind of…banter, is what they call it, but lately the words have been more cutting. Dilbert and Brown Smurf both seem wasted, and it’s really not clear if they love each other or hate each other. Teresa tells us that Dilbert is usually obnoxious and has no boundaries, but tonight he is pleasant. And because she can’t just say even one nice thing, she has to end the compliment with a sarcastic, “Shocking!”

There’s a few incidents that look like they’re going to turn into something dramatic, but it’s all a false alarm. Some older guy is dancing with Kathy and Dilbert’s teenage daughter (who I’m convinced is a slut and Razzar is convinced is a goody goody) and Dilbert almost kicks his ass until Joe Gorga steps in and calms him down. Ashley tries to get Chris to serve her a shot, and only manages to annoy him, which is really what she does best. The milkman’s kid is asking for Mommy. And Melissa keeps going on and on and on to anyone who will listen about how Teresa’s still being mean to Kathy.

And then, all the ladies cluster around a cocktail table to discuss the Kathy situation. Well, all the ladies besides Kathy who’s boogeying down with Dilbert on the dance floor. They all try to tell Teresa that things with her family are moving in a positive direction, but Teresa says it only seems positive because it’s New Years. Melissa calls her out on being fake, which Jacquee seconds, but not to Teresa’s face, which according to Teresa’s rules shouldn’t be a problem. Caroline sits there pretending to be bothered by the drama at the Brownstone, while secretly waiting for the moment she could chime in and dispense some of her transistor radio wisdom.

Teresa tells Melissa that Kathy is more Melissa’s blood then hers. Apparently, Kathy has left a “bad taste” in Teresa’s blood. Was it cumin? Melissa gives Caroline the moment of glory that she was invited for, and asks her to talk some sense into Teresa, because Caroline understands family. “It takes two to tango,” is Caroline’s ever wise reply.

Or in the case of meddling bitches, five.

Out of nowhere, Melissa suggests a family vacation with all of them. Inside, Brown Smurf and Dilbert are busy calling each other several variations of “dickface” that I’m too grossed out to even write. Teresa is not so thrilled about the vacation idea, because she says it means she would ending up having to drown Dilbert. And then both Guidices would be in jail.

Caroline keeps reminding Teresa that all families go through things, and all Teresa could say is that she didn’t deserve what Kathy did. OK. There’s a fine line between deluded and just smoking crack. She took your baby out of a bar fight and then told you about it! That’s it! Oh, and the wedding she didn’t invite you to be in 16 years ago. Yeah, you know, now that I think about it you’re right.  Kathy’s just a hopeless piece of shit.

Melissa continues to badger Teresa about going on vacation, and Teresa continues to be annoyed about it, clearly not accepting that this is a Bravo sanctioned gig and she’s definitely going. Finally, Caroline tells Teresa that if someone keeps reaching out to you, and you keep turning them away, how many times can you do that and not be the bad guy? Finally, some advice not available in a fortune cookie.

So it’s just a few minutes before the end of the show, and I’m coming to the sinking realization that there will be no New Years brawl for our viewing pleasure. Instead, we see everyone partying. Kathy does approach Teresa and wishes her a Happy New Year – for the second time, seems she already said it on the dance floor which Teresa ignored. And Teresa blows off the second time too. See, that’s the problem with Caroline’s unsolicited dime-store advice that she’s always dispensing – when she actually does comes up with something helpful and insightful, it gets lumped in with the rest of her blathering and ignored.

We close with Brown Smurf grabbing Teresa’s breasts and mumbling, “New year, same assholes.” And now I have one nice thing to say about Brown Smurf, cause that made me laugh. So normally I don’t care if I’m skewered in the comments, but covering for the phenomenally brilliant Flippy I’m a little nervous!  Having said that – if you didn’t like it, bite me.  Welcome to Jersey, dolls.

Kisses til…